Cristela (2014) s01e10 Episode Script

Man.
Ugh.
Horrible! God, you must be wondering what I'm reacting to.
Well, I'm ignoring you, so I guess no.
Wait, I'm kind of curious.
Aah.
I'm trying to find loopholes in the zoning code so that our client can tear down a historic church.
Wait, so you're literally paving paradise to put up a parking lot? Well, believe it or not, I didn't go to law school so that someday I could just desecrate hallowed grounds.
Well, Josh, while you're racing towards hell, I'm working on getting a government grant to replace playground equipment in neglected parks.
Huh? Doesn't sound like a case we'd normally handle.
Does Mr.
Culpepper know about that? Not if I finish it quickly.
Hello, minions! What, am I the only one following the stock market? Yes.
All my money's tied up in a sandwich.
That's funny, 'cause I was making money just now while you were talking.
It can buy happiness! There you are! I knew I'd find you.
It's easy to spot six feet of stupid.
Hello, Veronica.
How's my favorite harpy? Don't try to sweet-talk me.
This is a cease-and-desist order.
I drew a picture of you on the back.
Where's my head? Stuck where it usually is.
You can't destroy a rooftop garden just so you can get more office space, you money-grubbing, climate-change-denying, honey-bee-killing, capitalist pig! You want a piece of me? Then you got it, all right? I'm gonna take your not-for-profit, hemp-loving, tree-hugging commune of a law firm and squash it like a bug! No, like a honey bee! I love it when you walk away.
I can catch a glimpse of your head! Wow.
Did that seem a little personal to you? Oh, no, they're always like that.
She's my step-mom.
Wait a second.
Hold on.
Your dad is married to Veronica? That that Veronica? Yeah.
Wait, why do you seem so surprised? I mean, I know we don't look alike, but, you know, I don't look like any of my step-moms.
Wait, so he was married two times before, and he thought she was gonna be the charm? Mm-hmm.
I guess daddy just likes someone with a little fire.
"A little"? She's more like backdraft.
Well, it feels like their business, and we should just mind our own.
They're separated.
Again, that feels like their business.
Wait a second.
I want to hear what happened to obviously the greatest love story of all time.
Dish, dish.
You know, I don't know.
I think they still love each other.
They just don't agree on anything.
They love each other, but they fight over everything.
Sounds like I should be separated from my mom.
Cristela, get in here now! Oh, it's as if he's talking to his wife.
Maddie catch you up to speed on me and her step-mom? - Oh, no, sir.
I don't like to gossip.
- Oh.
I wish she had.
I don't feel like getting into it, myself.
On the other hand, I couldn't help but overhear Ugh, you know those two.
"Guess what I heard.
" "No, what?" "Ohh!" I'm taking you off whatever it is that you're working on.
I need you to do some research on Veronica's suit.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm kind of busy on that government-grant case.
And I don't want to bother you with the details.
No, no, no, I-I reread that one, and somebody's trying to pull a fast one on us.
We're not handling that case anymore.
God, I hate playgrounds.
I know.
Kids enjoying themselves.
Agh, enough already! Just find the holes in Veronica's case.
Sir, did you ever just think that this could all be resolved if you just talked to your wife? I mean, aren't you the one that said, "the best case is the one you don't have to try"? I never said that in my life.
It's a good saying.
I'll give you credit.
Well, I do want this to go away.
I just think it's better if you go talk to her.
Me? Why? So I don't have to.
Did you not hear her? I mean, my God.
"My-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi, "I hate money, yi-yi-yi, I love nature, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah!" "Rah, rah, rah.
I can see your head.
" Easy.
That's my wife.
You've got to be kidding me.
I've never heard of anything like this.
- Excuse me.
- Hang on.
Let them know that I don't care if they've never had any formal complaints.
If they do this again, I'm gonna sue them into oblivion.
They always get my food order wrong.
What can I do for you? Uh, actually, I'm here on behalf of Mr.
Culpepper.
Oh, you're, uh, Christmas.
No, not "Christmas.
" Cristela.
What, you don't like Christmas? Who doesn't like Christmas? No, I love Christmas.
It's just it's not my name.
I know who you are.
Trent is very fond of you.
He calls you his "little brown go-getter.
" He's come a long way.
That's not what he used to call me when I first started working there.
Let me guess He sent you over here to talk to me 'cause he's too afraid that I'll yell at him The big wuss.
No, no, I-I just thought that perhaps you didn't really want to sue Mr.
Culpepper, you know, that maybe you're just doing this because you want to hurt him.
Absolutely.
Just admit it.
Oh, wait you actually admit it.
Yeah, being blunt's not really an issue for me.
Well, I hope you don't mind if I am, too.
Your case stinks.
You know, it's his building, he's the owner, all the case laws are against you, and if you don't drop it, we'll tear you to shreds.
I like you.
You're ballsy.
Yeah, well, having balls has never been an issue for me.
There's got to be a better way I could have said that.
You know what? I will drop this case.
Wow, really? Thank you.
But only if you come and work for me.
Are you serious? I've got a soft spot for pushy women.
I guess opposites attract.
Felix.
It is not possible, bro.
You are wrong.
I'm telling you.
I'm I'm not wrong.
Honey, can you settle an argument for us? Oh, that's not even fair.
She's your wife.
Of course she's gonna take your side.
Why, because I don't have a mind of my own? Yes.
You're a good wife.
It's actually a compliment.
Go.
Okay, okay.
Daniela, listen.
Who would win in a fight, "Rocky II" or "Rocky IV"? This is how you spend your day, Baboso? I win.
I told you women don't care about philosophical stuff like that.
Rambo would beat them both.
Look, Ama, we get to sell chocolate bars to raise money for our after-school program.
You don't have an after-school program.
I am your after-school program.
Those look good.
Uh, you have to pay first $2 each.
Where am I gonna get $3 hey, mom, dad.
Can you guys take them and sell them at your work? Sure, honey.
Myron owes me.
I've got a closet full of Hanukkah wrapping paper.
I could take a box to the job site.
Why not? Why not? Why not?! We need to sell them ourselves.
Cris told me if you want a job done right, you got to do it yourself.
Very smart, Izzy.
So, tell me something Who would win in a fight, "Rocky II" or "Rocky IV"? Oh, hey, Cris, I owe you an apology.
Yeah, you do For that thing.
What w-what thing? Mm-hmm.
You tell me.
You tell me.
Okay, well, I-I decided to switch from satellite to cable, and I-I didn't even get your opinion about it.
Wow, you can afford satellite or cable? I-I just feel bad because I know you would never consider a big change without talking to me about it first, 'cause we're way better friends than that Right? Don't blame me.
Blame my step-mom.
I mean, she knows that I'm a blabbermouth.
Like, h-how could you not tell me? Well, I haven't decided yet.
I mean, Mr.
Culpepper gave me my big break.
And I've only been here for a couple months.
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh-mmm.
I wouldn't even consider it.
Veronica is doing everything I'd want to do one day.
I-it'd be nice to defend paradise instead of a parking lot for once.
What is so wrong with what we do? People do need a place to park, you know.
Wait, I thought you hated that case.
And why are you getting so weird? Yeah, Josh, what are you being so weird about? Well, if caring about a friend is weird, then guess I'm weird.
Hey, look at me, everybody, I'm weird.
Weird Josh! Whoa! I'm just gonna You know, I think he's worried that you'll leave and he's gonna miss you.
And I want you to know, whatever you decide, I'm gonna miss you too.
What if decide to stay? I'll still miss you just on the weekends.
Well, I'm here if you want to stop by.
I don't know what to do.
Oh, God, it's such a good opportunity.
Veronica said I'd be the first in line when an associate's spot opened up.
But it would really hurt daddy.
No, it wouldn't.
Would it? A lot.
You know, daddy's not good at showing his feelings.
That's why all his wives and our dogs run away.
But he likes you.
And, more than that, he respects you.
No, he doesn't.
Does he? A lot.
Well, then, I can't leave.
I owe him.
Better go tell him he's still getting sued.
You know, I wouldn't tell him with that grin on your face.
Still there? Yep.
I'll work on it.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you busy? Oh, not really.
Looking to buy a yacht.
You know what one costs? Do you know how much a bus pass costs? No idea.
How does it feel? Veronica agreed to drop the suit only if I went to work for her.
Oh, that's great.
We'll miss you.
But I didn't say I'd take it.
Eh, but you should.
She handles all those bleeding-heart, no-money cases you love.
So it wouldn't bother you at all if I left? No, not at all.
We've got hundreds of applications.
We'll replace you in no time.
Plus, the lawsuit goes away.
You know, I believe it was me who once said, "the best case is the one you don't have to try.
" Fine.
I'm leaving.
And just for the record, I think she captured you perfectly.
That's not what your mom said! Why do men think they can hoot and holler like great, big apes? And why is it never the good-looking ones? So, did you come here to take me up on my offer? I'm not sure.
I guess I just wanted to see what goes on here first.
Well, we defend the oppressed that can't defend themselves, you know? I don't want to sound all grandiose, but we're kind of like Jesus.
Sorry I know you hate his birthday.
It's just because he's so hard to shop for.
Well, we believe in the impossible here.
We think that you can be a lawyer and still have principles.
Oh, and I love that.
My big problem is loyalty.
I still use AOL.
What, did Trent put a big guilt trip on you for leaving? No.
He didn't even try.
Damn, that sounds exactly like him.
Don't you just want to punch him in his stupid face? No, that sounds terrible.
Clearly you've never punched anybody in the face.
I mean, he's got a lot of good qualities.
He's smart, he's funny, and he's a generous lover.
I knew the first two things, and didn't need to know the third.
But he'll never give you what you really want, you know? He'll never let you know that you matter to him.
No, because he thinks that makes him look weak.
Yeah, exactly.
- But you know what really makes him look weak? - Hmm? His sleep-apnea machine.
Hey, bud.
Sorry I didn't have much luck selling chocolates.
Turns out lawyers can be a little Mean and greedy? Where did you hear that? We're supposed to say, "not from dad.
" Too bad.
He should take credit.
It's one of the few times he's right.
I'm never gonna sell these stupid things.
It's your own fault.
You have to stop going door-to-door with Ama.
You know, he might be right.
I mean, she's had run-ins with the entire neighborhood.
"Juanita Canales, your roses are dead, and your son has no job.
Buy candy!" Oh, hi, there.
What, are you one of 12, 15 kids? Cristela, there's a lawyer here.
Uh-huh, I can see that.
Hey, why don't you grab your stuff and head into the kitchen? What do you want, sir? Uh, uh, no offense to you, but will my car be okay there? 'Cause I-I my first time in the Barrio.
It's not the Barrio, and I'm pretty sure your driver will keep your car safe.
Yeah, I-it's just that it's a new car, a-and my driver, I mean, he's been with me, like, it seems forever, and, um Gee, I want to say Bobby? Why are you here? Cristela, I want you to come back to the firm.
Okay? See you tomorrow.
Don't be late.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, ha! Whoa, whoa! What? I've thought it over, a-a-and I want you back, okay? We good? I'm not coming back.
I mean, what do you want from me? I come over here and pour out my heart to you.
You haven't said anything.
Yeah, but I'm here not saying it.
Try.
You want me back, you tell me why.
Are you rapping? Veronica is doing things that I'm interested in, and I almost turned it down out of some strange loyalty to you.
Well, you see, that's what like about you.
You're decent, and you're loyal.
So is a dog.
Not the ones I've had.
You hurt me earlier.
You made me feel like I didn't matter at all.
Well I-I was wrong about that.
You You mean a lot to me.
And, I mean A lot a lot.
Boy, listen to me, blubbering like a school girl.
Maybe a punch in the face would shake that out.
If I come back, I want to want to work on that government-grant case.
Okay.
And on other cases that I can feel good about That might not make money.
Fine.
And I want the yacht for two weeks every July.
I don't like you that much.
I tried.
I'll tell you what I'll think about it.
I hope you do.
Oh, my God, my car is gone.
Oh, wait a minute, no.
He's just turning it around.
Guys! It's okay! He's with me! I'd run.
Yeah.
Hey, there you are.
I was gonna call you.
I just got off the phone with your boss, that tall drink of bleach.
So, I guess you're not gonna come over.
Yeah.
I wanted to stop by in person to say thank you.
A-and who knows? Maybe sometime in the future Maybe I could work here, maybe? I don't know.
I think it's more likely that I'll end up working for you.
Anyway, something tells me that that whiskey-guzzling, cigar-chomping hump is gonna want to keep you around.
Could the problem be the pet names? You're awfully passionate about him.
I mean, who knows? Maybe you two can work it out.
I doubt it.
He never came to a bad side of town to ask me to stay.
Oh, my God, it's not the bad side of town! A priest and a cop live on my street! I sleep with the windows open! Oh, come back and see us, though.
I will.
You come see us too, okay? You're gonna see plenty of me, actually, 'cause this is gonna be a bad divorce.
Mom, you're amazing! You sold almost as many boxes as Alberto ate.
Hey, when it's for a good cause, I rise to the challenge.
So, uh, what is it for again? After-school programs.
My school didn't even have a during-school program.
$150.
Now, I could give it to the school, or I could take it to Vegas and triple my winnings.
For the kids, of course.
I want you to stop talking to Alberto.
You know Vegas is family-friendly now, right? And, Henry, don't make your sister feel bad about how much more you made, okay? Guess who raised $200! What?! Cris told me to set up outside a Zumba class.
People eat more chocolate when they think they've earned it.
And it's a good thing, too, because not one person was home in this neighborhood when I rang the doorbells.
Oh, they were home, Ama.
They were home.