Crossing Swords (2020) s01e10 Episode Script

1
(MOUSE SQUEAKING)
(CRUNCHES)
(BLADES CLANGING)
(COMBATANTS GRUNTING)
(HORSE WHINNIES)
I've got to find Mom and Dad!
Princess Blossom, wait!
Mom?! Daddy?
(SOBBING)
Princess, please, it's not safe.
Umm, no shit, Patrick.
That guy has an axe
through his fucking face.
We need to get you away from here.
I wonder if before he died,
he had time to think,
"Oh, fuck, there's an axe in my face."
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Huh? What the?
Blossom! My sweet baby!
Mommy! Daddy!
(PATRICK GROANS)
Patrick killed the Minotaur
and saved me.
- What? No way.
- Seems unlikely.
- (PATRICK GROANS)
- What's all that racket out here?
I'm trying to do a crossword puzzle.
Pipe down unless you can help me.
"Greetings for an elderly dog,"
11 letters.
You old bitch!
I was hoping you died up here
and nobody told me.
Hello, brother dear.
Look who got overthrown.
And is that Tulip?
I barely recognized you.
Goodness, middle age ran over your face,
then backed up and did it again.
Shut up, Aunt Donna.
You are in danger, too,
you nasty old shitghoul.
(DOOR RATTLES)
- Dramatic fanfare plays ♪
- Assassin!
Ugh, this dick again.
You're so annoying.
Stop ruining my life!
ASSASSIN:
My plan worked perfectly.
Your best knights died in the maze,
leaving your castle ripe for the taking.
We have an army, you shit‐for‐brains.
What's your plan when they show up?
(ASSASSIN CHUCKLES)
Release us now,
and no harm will come to you. Mostly.
Some light torture probably,
but essentially no harm.
ASSASSIN: Time for the rightful ruler
to take her place on the throne.
Long live Queen Donna!
Her?
Me? She's not the ruler.
She's an egg‐sucking lunatic
with a boyfriend made out of yarn.
Ehh! This is absurd.
Take off that mask.
ASSASSIN: Very well then.
Sloane?
Who?
Jaunty theme song playing ♪
The ugly chambermaid.
It all makes sense now.
Being a chambermaid gave her access,
and being ugly gave her a motive.
I'm not ugly.
I just wear glasses.
Damn, girl.
Holy shit. Holy shit
Everyone's dead.
You guys, help me!
What do we do now?
We stay in here until it's over.
What about Princess Blossom?
Probably dead. (SOFTLY) I hope.
But she's our friend. Hello.
If the roles were reversed,
she would totally‐.
Let us die.
She went out of her way to tell us that.
Many times.
(MAN GROANING, BED RATTLING)
(SCREAMING)
It's just Blinkerquartz.
Were you hiding under the bed?
(STAMMERING) No.
I I I dropped something.
Shouldn't you be out there doing magic
on the assassins?
Make them all disappear?
(CHUCKLING) Oh, dear girl,
I'm the designated survivor.
You see, I must stay alive in case
anything happens to the royal family.
You wouldn't want me
to abandon my duty, w‐would you?
I guess not.
Oh, we have a foursome.
Let's play a board game.
We don't like playing with Blossom
because she cheats.
Sweep the castle
and kill any stragglers.
Nobody gets out alive.
Sloane, how could you do this?
How? With your help, of course.
I couldn't have done it without you.
Patrick? A traitor?
Dun‐dun‐dunnnn! ♪
But I never helped you.
(SIGHS)
You know, I'm probably not supposed
to tell anybody this,
but the king locked up
his weird sister in the prison tower.
Psst! Blossom always rides separately
from her ladies‐in‐waiting.
Don't tell anybody, it's a secret.
If it's a secret, then shut the fuck up!
(PATRICK SIGHS)
You know that urban legend
about the Minotaur labyrinth?
(WHISPERING) It's true.
You guys looking for a third?
Oh, it's Sloane.
I think I'm falling in love with you.
Same, yeah.
Where's that labyrinth at?
You thirsty fuckboy.
You told her all of our secrets?
Okay, well, I guess now everybody knows
I can't poop unless someone's
holding my hand and telling me a story.
Great.
I didn't know that.
Sloane, why do you care
if Donna's the queen or not?
Because my name's not Sloane.
It's Danielle.
Danielle? Danielle.
That's right, Mother.
I've come back to you.
- Mother?
- Oh, ho‐ho, sweetheart.
Is it really you?
That's preposterous.
If you'd had a baby, we'd have known.
There's a lot you don't know
about me, little brother.
Lucky for you, I wrote and illustrated
a children's book all about it. Hmmph.
I'm shopping it to publishers now.
One of them is the rat
that lives in the wall.
(CLEARS THROAT)
As a young girl, I was in love
with a hunky stable boy named Danny.
- Look at the pecs on this kid.
- (HORSE WHINNIES)
The first time my womanly
rose bloomed
all over my fucking designer sheets
I told no one.
PATRICK:
Uh, you said this book was for children?
AUNT DONNA:
If my secret got out, they'd lock me up
in a dick‐proof chastity belt,
which is bullshit.
Eventually they caught me red‐handed.
I had a heavy flow back then.
KING MERRIMAN: For fuck's sake.
AUNT DONNA:
On the eve of the period party,
Danny and I ran away
to start a new life together.
It was a real fuckfest.
And then Danielle was born.
Our life was perfect.
(BABY CRYING)
Until we were discovered
by my father's men.
I was dragged back to the castle
and locked in this very tower.
It's a goddamn downer of an ending.
But I never knew what happened
to my baby after that.
Hmmph. Or to Danny.
Donna, that's so tragic.
No wonder you're absolutely unbearable.
Dad joined the circus to pursue
his lifelong dream of sword‐swallowing.
After he died‐swallowing a sword‐‐
I was raised by a family of acrobats.
(STRAINING)
As their eldest child,
my mother is the rightful queen.
Making me the rightful heir.
And I'm not the only one who thinks so.
All of us who wear this insignia
believe that the true queen
has been locked up too long.
Hah. The kingdom's never going to choose
my dingbat sister over me.
What choice will they have?
I've spent months knocking off
every other blueblood
with a claim to the throne.
So, tomorrow at dawn,
in front of the whole world,
I'll chop your heads off.
One, two, three.
Donna will be crowned queen,
and nobody can say shit about it.
Come along, Mother.
Our legacy awaits.
Can I bring Daniel?
No, Mother. It's creepy.
Your girlfriend's a real cunt.
(SCOFFS)
I can't believe my first real girlfriend
turned out to be a criminal mastermind.
Ho‐ho‐ho!
Okay, wow.
Dating an assassin and didn't even notice.
Just another man, underestimating
a woman's capacity for evil.
Jeez.
KING MERRIMAN:
Hang in there, Patrick.
All women are assassins
of one stripe or another.
Most of them just kill your dreams.
Excuse me?
The kid's feeling down, dear.
Some light misogyny
can be a real pick‐me‐up.
On the other hand,
maybe I'm on the wrong side.
But whatever.
She's not winning this breakup.
- I'm getting us out of here.
- (STOMACH GURGLES) Uh
Um, Patrick, I'm gonna need you
to hold my hand and tell me a story.
PATRICK: Oh my god, no.
(STRAINING, STOMACH GURGLING)
Patrick PATRICK: Hmm.
PRINCESS BLOSSOM: Story.
What are you doing?
I need that toilet!
(TOILET CLANGS)
(STRAINING)
The sewage system is a way out.
But I need a rope.
Would a buttload of sex yarn help?
Why is he so damp?
Ugh! I need you to lower me down.
If you need more slack,
unravel your aunt's homemade fuck doll.
(SHIVERING) Eww!
(PATRICK STRAINING)
Blue.
B‐L‐U‐E.
Now pick a number.
Six.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Now pick a number.
Another number? Two.
This is ridiculous.
Okay, here's your fortune:
"Something exciting is headed your way."
(GASPS) How does it know?
Just does. Duh.
Are you witches? Do it again.
(PATRICK STRAINING)
(SNIFFS)
Uggh.
Alright, slow and steady.
(GASPING)
The stink is making my eyes water!
PATRICK: How the fuck do you think
it smells down here?
Whoaaa! (YARN WHOOSHING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh! Fuck it! Ow! Shit!
Oh! Fuck! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Shit! Ow! Fuck!
Ow! Fuck!
(SIGHS)
(PIPE RUMBLING)
(SCREAMS)
(CHUCKLES)
Time for Operation Steal Stuff, huh?
From the Castle.
We'll never get
another chance like this.
We need to find the vault.
That's where they'll keep the good stuff.
We could really use an insider
right about now.
Where's Patrick?
(DOOR BANGS) Holy shit!
(GROANS)
(VOMITS)
Guys. You're here.
Oh, thank God.
That shit golem sounds like Patrick.
Oh no, nope, nope.
If you hug me, I'll kill you.
There's been a coup.
The royal family's going to be executed.
You've got to help me free them.
Why would we ever do that?
(SCOFFS)
Because it's our king and queen.
I don't even know the king's name, man.
Wait, is it Murray?
Patrick, it doesn't matter
who sits on the throne.
Kings and queens come and go,
but they're all the same.
They get rich and fat
while the rest of us suffer.
Seriously, is it King Murray
and Queen Tina?
I think that's right, right?
What gives them the right to steal
from the rest of us?
Wha‐‐? But that's what you do.
Yes, well,
at least we're upfront about it.
And look, while you're here, um, you've
got the drawing skills in the family.
Um, how about just whipping up
a quick map to the vault, huh?
(CLOAKS RUSTLING)
(BLADES CLANG)
Oh, and we're surrounded.
I guess you have no choice now, huh?
You have to help me fight.
They're not our enemy, Patrick.
They're yours.
Do you want this squire?
You can have him.
We're doing our own thing, don't mind us.
PATRICK: What?
God dammit.
I didn't choose to be your little brother.
But I always believed, deep down,
that when it mattered, you'd have my back.
Because I'm your family.
But if that's not true
I guess I have no one to blame
but myself.
You told me my whole life I didn't matter.
It's my fault for not believing you.
Ah, fuck, he's right.
Huh!
He's our brother. Huh!
Yeah! And nobody beats up
our brother but us.
Bam! (CLOWN HORN HONKS)
Thanks, you guys.
(SNARLING)
(SHRIEKING)
Suck on this!
Heh‐heh‐hey!
(CLOWN HORN HONKS)
Ugggh! Patrick!
(STRAINING)
Jesus Christ, Patrick!
My girlfriend's evil
and I'm covered in shit.
I'm working through some residual anger.
Huh? (STRAINING)
(PANTING)
Oh, God.
Oh, hell no.
Ugh, this tower is murder
on my quads. Oh!
PATRICK: Sloane!
Ha‐ha! Danielle.
Sorry, I can't keep your lies straight.
BOTH: Hah!
- (STRAINING)
- (BLADES CLANGING)
Don't be mad at me.
If you adjust your perspective
a teensy bit,
I'm actually the hero of this story.
Uggh! What?
You're a liar. And a killer.
What choice did I have?
My mother is the rightful queen.
You can't deny that.
- (STATUE CLANGS)
- It's not that simple.
(STRAINING)
Uggh! (SIGHS)
The Old King locked up Donna.
But then Merriman locked up the Old King.
What? The Old King died of plague.
The Old King is still alive.
Donna isn't the rightful anything.
And neither is Merriman.
That That can't be true.
Look, what happened to your mom sucks.
Chastity belts are barbaric.
But according to the law,
she gave up her shot at the throne
when she broke the rules.
But Merriman broke the rules too.
So what does it matter?
(STRAINS)
Join us! My mother is queen now.
She can make you a knight.
You can be my boyfriend.
And if we work as a couple,
you know, travel well together,
see how cohabitation goes.
Who knows?
You could be king one day.
(THWACK)
(GLASS TINKLING)
(PATRICK GASPS)
So, you really feel that way about me?
You weren't just using me?
Oh, you weren't even a part of my plan.
You were just a happy accident.
I liked hanging out with you.
God dammit. I
(SIGHS)
I liked it too.
It doesn't matter who sits
on the throne.
Kings and queens come and go,
but they're all the same.
(SIGHS)
And Merriman is
an objectively terrible ruler.
The people are suffering.
Exactly.
You'd be doing the right thing.
For everybody.
Plus you'd get to see me naked.
(PATRICK MOANS)
That does sound like a win‐win.
Oh
Yaaa!
Well, that was annoying.
Alright, fun's over.
Let's go commit some crimes
to balance out the good deed.
Time for Operation Steal Stuff
We're Gonna Steal.
Before We Got Sidetracked
By Personal Growth.
(CLOWN HORN HONKS)
I mean, I bet I'd get a lot more respect
at home if I were king.
And it could happen
sooner than you think.
Mother could always catch a bad case
of fall‐down‐the‐stairs‐itis,
if you know what I mean.
(GASPS)
You'd kill your own mother?
No. I'm sorry.
I swore an oath
and I'm not going back on it.
Promises don't seem to mean
that much to you, but they do to me!
Haaaa!
You dickhead!
Now you're never gonna see me naked.
Think about that.
Haaaa!
Give up. Your people
are getting their asses kicked.
And once the army hears you've attacked
the castle, they'll return to help.
You can't win.
Yes, I can! (CHUCKLES)
I'll blow up the royal family!
And I already killed everyone else
in the line of succession.
So guess what?
It's gonna be Mother
or it's gonna be nobody!
Arggh!
(GASPS) No!
(BOOM!)
(SCREAMING) What the fuck?!
Holy fucking asscrackers!
- Blossom!
- Sweetheart. Are you alright?
I'm still alive, Mom.
Don't make such a big deal
out of everything. God.
(SCREAMING) Mama!
Sorry, darling,
I'm busy not making a big deal out of it.
(SWORD CLANGS)
KING MERRIMAN: Patrick!
(STRAINING)
Argggh!
- Ha‐ha!
- Yeah! Kill her, Patrick.
Curb‐stomp her!
(CASTLE RUMBLING)
Yaaa! (GASPS)
(GASPING)
Give up, Danielle.
Give up? I already won.
Once this tower falls,
the only heir to the throne
still alive will be Mother!
It's a perfect plan, sweetheart.
Mother?
What the fuck are you doing up here?
I came back for Daniel.
Oh! You're ruining everything!
PATRICK: Huh?
(CASTLE RUMBLING)
Fine. Go ahead and die, Mother.
That means I'm heir to the throne.
Squirrel wings!
Huhhh!
Raised in a circus, bitch!
Waaaa!
Guess we're doing this, then.
Squirrel wings!
Aaaaah!
Fashion show! Fashion show
(SCATTING BURLESQUE MELODY)
(LADIES‐IN‐WAITING CHEERING)
(DONNA SCREAMING)
Hey, look, that lady's flying.
(KNOCKING)
(SCREAMING) Take Human Shield!
What?
Did you guys know there's
a hidden passageway back here?
Grab whatever's not nailed down
and follow us.
Hmm.
Hmm?
(LAUGHING) Yes!
There goes my sister.
Always making it about her.
(CASTLE RUMBLING)
Hurry. Into the shit chute!
I'm gonna take the stairs.
- Get in that fucking toilet!
- (PRINCESS SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
Patrick, since we're
probably going to die,
I want you to know,
you're like the son I never had.
Thank you, Sire.
I should specify: The son I never had,
that I am aware of.
Right.
- I get around, Patrick.
- Sire, please jump.
Yaa! (SCREAMING)
(CASTLE RUMBLING)
(PATRICK SCREAMING)
(CASTLE RUMBLING)
Oh my god. The royal family.
Designated survivor, baby!
(COUGHING)
Fuck!
(KING GASPS, SPLUTTERS)
Your majesties. You're alive!
Yes, the expression I'm making
doesn't mean I'm not thrilled.
I'm‐I'm‐I'm thrilled.
Has anyone seen Patrick?
Patrick.
(PATRICK GASPS)
RUBEN: There he is!
CORAL: Patrick!
Oh, he's fine.
Buddy, you did it.
Everyone.
Do not drink the moat water.
It links directly to the sewage system.
This is so gross,
but I can't stop looking at it.
Where were you, dumb whores?
You're supposed to protect me.
Oh, whoops.
You should probably fire us.
No way.
God as my witness, Human Shield,
you will die protecting me.
Oh. Hello, Ruben.
Holden. How's your fiancée?
Donna, stop being so dramatic.
Get up.
PATRICK: Oh my god.
Today was a disaster.
Eh, maybe.
But you should be proud
of yourself, Patrick.
Proud?
You killed the Minotaur,
defeated the assassin,
and rescued the whole
fuckin' royal family.
Huh. I guess I did all that, huh?
Am I actually good at this job?
You know what?
I hereby take you off my shart list.
(GASPS) I'm a good squire.
This is the greatest day of my life.
And here I had you pegged as the squire
most likely to cut his own head off
by accident.
Who's at the top of that list now? Huh?
Is it me?
It's me, isn't it?
Yeah (CHUCKLES)
it's me.
Nice.
(RAVEN CROAKING)
Thinks he'll put his daddy
out to pasture, eh?
When I escape this gilded cage,
sonny boy's gonna reap the whirlwind.
He's gonna enter a hell
previously unknown to mankind.
I wonder if any
of those snickerdoodles are left.
(DOOR CLATTERS)
Hello, Gramps.
(OLD KING GASPS)
Dramatic fanfare plays ♪
theme song playing ♪
CHILD: That was amazing.
(BALL BEEPING)
(LOSER SOUND EFFECT PLAYS)