Cybill (1995) s01e10 Episode Script

(? Scary music) - Freeze, dirtbag, it's all over! - Oh.
And look who they send to bust me.
NYPD Barbie.
I'm not laughing, sleazebag.
Go ahead, go for your gun, hairbag.
You don't have the guts to shoot me.
I don't? Come on, hosebag, let's see what you got.
Hey! He didn't even pick up the gun yet! Cut.
Tony, what the hell is going on? What? Too soon? Milo, I don't want to be picky, but could we take some of the "bags" out of my dialogue? It gets repetitive - hairbag, hosebag.
Maybe I could call him something else.
- Like what? - Oh, I don't know.
Anything.
Chowderhead.
"Go for the gun, chowderhead.
" Chowderbag? Why don't you go to wardrobe and put on a new squib vest? OK.
Let's set it up again.
- (Screams) - It's OK, it's OK, it's OK.
I could have been killed.
I don't believe that I could have been killed.
What's going on up there? - (Man) Whoops.
- What do you mean, "whoops"? You almost killed me, you you chowderhead! You're right, that sucks.
All right? You look pale.
Wanna lie down? No, no, I feel fine.
I'll just go to wardrobe and put on a fresh squib ba ? Loving one who loves you ? And then taking that vow ? Nice work if you can get it ? And if you get it ? Won't you tell me how?? I almost died.
Do you realise that? I almost died.
I know, honey, but you're home, you're OK.
Yeah, but I could have, and for what? Two days' work on a cheesy cop show.
It's not cheesy, it's gritty.
Actually, it sort of walks the line between cheese and grit.
It's depressing.
If I had died, the headline in Variety wouldn't be, "Cybill Sheridan's Career Ends In Tragedy.
" It would have been, "Lighting Problem Postpones Production.
" - Don't talk like that.
- You would have had to raise Zoey alone.
Please, not even in jest.
Can I get you anything? A little soup.
Soup is good for this.
Soup is good for brushes with death? It's not the soup, it's the noodles.
No, thanks.
Come over and sit next to me for a few minutes.
Sure.
Here, let me take your coat.
Agh! Cybill, you're hurt! 911.
911! Ira, that's movie blood.
Oh.
Very convincing.
It's weird, when they asked if somebody could drive me home, you were the first person I thought of.
Why is that weird? If I was in an accident, - I would have called you.
- Really? Just because we're divorced, doesn't mean we can't look after each other.
You're always there for me.
You came over during the earthquake with food, you sat on the roof during the fires with a hose, stood guard during the riots with that souvenir bat from Dodger Stadium.
Yeah.
We've shared a lot of good times.
- I still miss you once in a while.
- I still miss you too.
Remember that life-sapping hatred we felt for each other? Oh, yeah.
Seems like a million years ago.
I still hate your lawyer, though.
She was good, wasn't she? Please let's not open that wound.
It's funny how almost getting crushed by a 200Ib light makes all that seem unimportant.
Right now it's hard to remember why we got divorced.
Well, I always thought it had a lot to do with your incredibly childish need to win every (Sighs) I can't remember either.
You know, if I knew I was gonna die tomorrow, I'd want to spend tonight with you.
I feel the same way.
Except for the dying part.
Close enough.
Cybill.
This is a new sweater.
Does movie blood wash out? Shut up.
Are we making a horrible mistake? Not yet.
Give me a minute.
Do you know, I'm feeling a little vulnerable right now.
Vulnerable's good.
You always encourage me to be vulnerable.
Is all this happening because of the accident? What accident? On the movie set.
Oh, right.
Terrible.
Terrible.
Poor baby.
I'm just afraid if we have sex it will change our relationship.
- Don't worry.
It probably won't be any good.
- Let's hope not.
(Zoey) Mom! We'd better hurry.
Ira! Yes? - Where are you? - In my bedroom.
- Quick, hide! - Right.
Wait.
Is this right? Maybe we should just be honest with her.
You want to explain to Zoey why we're in bed together? Closet.
Ow! Hey.
What are you doing in bed? I'm not feeling too well.
I had a really bad day today.
- Almost got killed on the movie set.
- Oh, yeah? Can I borrow 20 bucks? - OK, sure.
- Don't you want to know what it's for? - No, I trust you.
- Is this some kind of a trap? - No, let's get my purse.
- I brought your wallet.
You know what I was thinking? Instead of having all my fingernails black, I'm gonna paint one red.
Which do you think? - This one.
Let's go down.
- Mother, this is important.
(Rachel) Mom.
(Maryann) Cybill.
She's up here! Now, I think if you highlight a pinkie, it's like a cry for help.
What do you mean you almost got killed today? I wish you had come with us, it was fabulous.
Hour-and-a-half facial with glycolic peel, - seaweed wrap and full body massage.
- Then we went shooting.
- Shooting? - Moms' Day at the Beverly Hills Gun Club.
- Free ammo for pregnant women.
- Did you know they make a nursing holster? Live and learn.
Hey, anybody hungry? Come on, I'll make you all omelettes.
I'm starving.
Can we have some waffles too? - Whatever you want.
Come on, let's roll.
- Why were you in bed? - I had a near-death experience.
- Uh-huh.
And now the truth.
My second ex-husband is standing naked in the closet.
Fine.
Don't tell me.
I'll be right down.
I have got to put a lock on that door.
- Cybill? - No, Imelda Marcos.
Get out here.
Listen, I'll keep 'em busy and you can sneak out the house.
- Can we get together later? - Maryann set me up with a date.
- Really? Anybody I know? - Ira, this is not the time.
- Right.
I sort of have a date tonight too.
- With who? Just some plain old Laker Girl.
But I could cancel it.
No, this is probably a big mistake.
I think we should just cool it.
I suppose.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Cybill.
- What? This was fun.
Ira, hurry.
- (Door opens) - Agh! - Ira.
- What? I had fun too.
Maryann, which fingernail do you think I should paint red? You want to make a real fashion statement? Pull one out.
Which one? OK.
Let's eat.
- Rach, want me to toast that waffle for you? - No, it's good frozen.
Do you have any mayonnaise? Mayonnaise? - Giant spider! Giant spider! - (AII scream) - Where? - Never mind.
He's gone.
- Hi, Ira.
- Hi, Jeff.
- How's it going? - Good.
Good.
Cybill asked me to, er check the new chimney.
You know, just to make sure there weren't any birds nesting in it.
- You know, owls will do that.
- Oh, yeah, owls are the worst.
Smart, though.
Uh-huh.
- Next time you might try using a ladder.
- A ladder.
- Good idea.
Like for a light bulb? - Mm-hm.
- Well, see you.
- Bye.
- Ira.
- Yeah? Zipper.
Damn owls.
- (Woman) Whoo! - (Laughter) So, Cybill, have you ever been out with an oboe player before? Let me think.
No.
This must be very exciting for you, then.
You know, I'm kind of a maverick.
I use a number four reed.
Most guys in the woodwind section go for the number two because it's easier to blow.
Uh-huh.
Fascinating.
I said no ice.
- Why did you do this to me? - Who else would I do it to? A lot of Laker Girls dance for the wrong reasons.
They're trying to get into show business.
But not me, I'm there because I want to meet the players.
- Then why did you go out with me? - Oh, well, you have a lot of money.
Right? Hey, look who's here.
- What a surprise.
- Yeah, small world! - Cybill and Maryann, this is Nancy.
- Hi, Nancy.
- Ira, Nancy, this is Bob and Mike.
- Hi.
Bob and Mike play for the LA Philharmonic.
Really? I love soccer.
You must be so proud.
Well, we won't keep you.
Have a nice dinner.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You know, another great thing about me is I can say hello in all the Slavic languages.
Czech, Bulgarian, Croatian, Montenegro That's amazing.
Magyar, Slovenian, Polish, Russian, Lithuania.
- Cybill.
- Ira.
What are you doing? - You alone? - Yes.
Listen.
I just wanna tell you Hey.
This is very nice.
Potpourri, scented soap, not like the men's room.
I wouldn't know.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you - you look really beautiful tonight.
- Thanks.
You look pretty good yourself.
Thank you.
So how's your date? It's a blind date, so we hardly know each other.
It's awkward.
- Kill me, kill me now.
- (Laughs) My date Well, you met my date.
Listen, I was thinking about what you said before.
Did you mean all that stuff about missing me? Or were you just trying to get in my pants? What do you think? I think if there's any chance of us working out our problems, - we'd be crazy not to try.
- Try what? Well, I thought maybe we could start dating.
Ira, dinner and a movie is not gonna solve our problems.
I know that, but if we're both gonna work at it You'd have to tell me how you feel instead of suppressing it and picking a fight.
OK.
You wanna know how I feel right now? Right now I feel like I wanna kiss you so much my face hurts.
Well, we can't have that.
Can we? Don't give me a hickey, Ira, I'm on a date.
- Sorry.
Oh! Oh! - What's the matter? - Charlie Horse.
- Where? - My leg.
- Put them on the toilet, I'll rub it.
- Careful.
- I'm sorry.
- Is that better? - Yeah, thanks.
Cybill, are you in there? Uh-huh.
Do you have any eyeliner? Er Check my purse.
- Do you believe what Ira's dating? - Well, you know Ira.
The cheerleaders, the Porsche.
You'd think an award-winning novelist could come up with a more original midlife crisis.
You'd think.
- Oh, you only have brown.
I need black.
- Sorry.
Ira, do you have any black eyeliner? - No, Maryann.
- Oh, well, then.
I'll just skip it.
Any messages for your respective dates? Just tell him I'll be right there.
Will do.
- (Cybill) Maryann - Killjoy.
Another unique thing about me is that I'm an incredible listener.
Most men are so self-absorbed that they don't find anything interesting Good night, Michael.
? Love, exciting and new? Good night, Zoey.
(? Elaborate melody) Zoey.
(Rings) - Hello? - Cybill.
- Oh, hi, Maryann, I was just calling you.
- Enough chitchat.
What is going on with you and Ira, and why do I find out about it in a restroom? I don't know what's going on with us, Maryann.
All I know is I feel something for Ira that didn't go away after the divorce.
Cybill, let me jog your memory.
It's December 1993, the polo lounge, third mai tai.
"Maryann, if I ever think about reconciling with Ira, I want you to have me committed.
" - I didn't say committed, I said sedated.
- Oh, no problem.
I'm on my way.
Come on.
Couldn't you try and be a little supportive? Hold on.
(Wheezes) I wish you both the best.
- Thank you.
- May your love last forever.
Yeah, thanks.
May he light up your life and be the wind beneath your wings.
I'm hanging up now.
Can't help lovin' that man o'yours! Goodbye, Maryann.
From the halls of Montezuma to the shores.
Cybill.
Cybill, come on down.
Something to throw.
(Growling) Oh, jeez.
Hi, Duke.
Good Duke.
Gentle Duke.
It's me, Ira.
You remember.
Friend.
Oh, this isn't good.
Hey.
I know.
Have a nice, thick, juicy tic tac.
It won't help his breath, believe me, I know.
Jeff.
Thank God.
Call off your yak, would you? Oh, Duke? Duke wouldn't hurt a fly, would you, Duker? So, Ira, what's going on? You've come to christen that new chimney? All right, look.
Cybill and I have decided to start seeing each other again.
Really? Well, most of the guys she dates get to use the door.
It was meant to be a surprise.
I had to dump another woman to come here.
The old switcheroo.
Yeah, I used to do that with Cybill.
Well, to Cybill.
It was one of the big reasons she divorced me.
That's a charming story.
Well, I guess she's asleep.
See you around, Jeff.
Wait, wait, wait.
Don't give up so easy.
Climb up the trellis, throw open a window and sweep her off her feet.
Are you insane? That's two storeys.
Ira, trust me.
I know what women want, I've been married three times.
Jeff, ever just stopped and listened to yourself? No guts, no glory.
Guys have died with that in their ears.
Oh, come on.
All right, what the hell.
Attaboy.
Come on, Duke.
OK.
If I make it, she'll think I'm very romantic.
If I don't, maybe she'll sign my cast.
Hi, Zoey.
Hey, Dad.
Where are you going? - To my room.
Do you mind? - Are you trying to sneak out? I think the more interesting question is were you trying to sneak in? You're in a lot of trouble.
I'm in trouble? You're the one breaking and entering.
Look, all I was doing - I mean, I was just - You were just what? Er Cybill! All right, I want an explanation and I want it now.
- I thought it was kind of romantic - Not you.
You.
Gee.
I for one would kind of like to hear what he has to say.
Zoey - I was going to Annie's.
- Why didn't you just ask me? Right.
What kind of a parent would let her kid out at this hour on a weeknight? Good point.
You're grounded for a month.
- Couldn't I just pay a fine? - You wanna try two months? - OK, OK, your turn.
- All right.
I guess you have a right to know.
Your mother and I have decided to, er maybe start spending a little more time together.
You're getting remarried? No! I mean, no.
- You're gonna live together? - No.
Going steady? - Well - No.
No? Honey, all we're talking about is the possibility of your father and I maybe starting to date occasionally.
We don't know where it's going and we don't want your hopes up.
We're only telling you because, well You caught us.
OK.
Is that all you have to say? Don't you want to talk about it? What's there to talk about? The pathetic state of your entire narcissistic generation? You feel like getting married, you get married.
You feel bored, you get divorced.
You feel Ionely, you marry somebody else.
No commitment, no responsibility, no thought about anybody but yourselves.
So forgive me if I don't rush to hop on your Age Of Aquarius emotional roller coaster.
- Do you think we're narcissistic? - Huh? I'm sorry.
I was just thinking how much she looks like me.
- Morning.
- Mm-hm.
How about some nice crispy French toast? Yum, yum.
It isn't enough that you've emotionally scarred me, now you want me to be fat too? Zoey, don't be so dramatic.
- So I'm dating your father, it's no big deal.
- It is a big deal.
I was getting used to how things are and now they're changing again.
- I can understand that.
Let's talk about it.
- I'm sorry, I can't.
I wish I could, but I just can't.
Why not? Because this whole thing is very scary.
It's very confusing for me.
And you can't really be objective.
I think, right now, maybe I just need the support of my friends.
Can you understand that? You're still grounded.
- You saw that coming, didn't you? - It wasn't your best work.
See you at lunch.
Don't get discouraged.
Try it on your dad.
OK.
As far as dating other people.
- I can, you can't.
- What? It was worth a try.
- You're not taking this seriously.
- OK.
We don't date around.
- What about Saturday nights? - A standing date.
- I think we should play it by ear.
- Oh, come on.
Ira, don't get clingy on me.
"Saturday nights shall be a standing date "subject to 24-hour cancellation by either party.
" (Both) Done.
So, you think they're going to get back together? Who knows, who cares? Ira was a much better husband to her than my dad was.
That's high praise.
No, really.
I hope they do get back together.
Nothing.
"After said date, sex is neither expected nor required.
" - Hold on, hold on.
- Why is she here? Because over the years, she's listened more to our problems than you have.
All right, then.
"Safer sex and birth control.
"In the unlikely event of consummation, "Cybill shall choose the protection and position.
" - Oh, this is ridiculous.
- Ira, sit.
? Falling in love again ? Never wanted to ? What am I to do? ? I can't help it?