Dan for Mayor (2010) s01e10 Episode Script

If we're going to win this debate tonight, you have to appear viable.
Hmm.
Am I shiny? You're good.
You're a candidate of substance.
Can I get something to make my eyes pop? I could choke you.
That would make your eyes pop.
I'm sorry.
Thanks for missing work for this.
Don't worry about it.
There's not much going on there.
Hi, is Jeff around? No.
Can I help you? Yes.
Tell him I want to see him first thing in his office tomorrow.
And you are? Mr.
Swifty.
Swifty? Hey, that's the name of our store.
Oh.
And with all due respect, Anita Vargas, running City Hall is a little more difficult than running an appliance store.
And more difficult than being a bartender.
It's a lot harder to be mayor than it is to be a bartender.
But I'd do it though.
I mean, I don't mind.
I'm really into it.
Is it somebody else's turn now? So, I heard you and Dan are dating.
We were.
We broke up.
Oh.
We're still friends though.
Yeah, of course.
No, I know people say that, but Dan and I really are.
You didn't go out that long.
True.
But you know, when it's not right, better it ends sooner than later.
Oh, I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry.
Mike and I? Don't worry about it.
I'm the one who should be sorry.
Why? Oh, I probably shouldn't say this, but I think when Mike and I broke up, Dan thought he and I were going to get back together.
I didn't get that sense.
Didn't you, though? I mean, didn't you? No.
See? This all goes back to when Dan and I first met-- I'm really trying to watch the debate.
Sure.
My point is that maybe I had more time allocated.
I don't need to keep talking just to talk.
I mean, I think that brevity is-- Thank you, Mr.
Phillips.
Turning to the Deputy Mayor, what would an Allan Duffy administration accomplish? I think the better question would be, "What wouldn't it accomplish?" I'm not sure it's a better question.
I didn't mean to insult your question.
I just meant I would accomplish a lot.
And it would cut waste and misspending.
What misspending? Ah.
There isn't any because we cut it.
But there was misspending.
Nope, just spending.
Not that I spend.
Last month, I claimed $1.
25 total, and that it good for Wessex.
You claimed $1.
25? Yes, for a muffin, but that's without tax.
You charged the city for a muffin.
I covered the tax.
Oh, that's cheap.
I have to agree with that.
It was for a city meeting.
You are so cheap.
I'm not being cheap.
I'm being accountable.
That's why I didn't buy anyone else a muffin.
Cheap! Dan's doing well.
Dan's not doing well.
Allan's doing poorly.
Someone's doing worse than Dan.
That's surprising.
So, this whole Dan and Brianna thing, eh? It's so soon after Mike and I split up.
Yeah, I guess.
It's hard for me not to feel a little responsible.
You'd think, for his own pride though, Dan would hang in there a little longer.
It puts me in an awkward position.
I'm trying to watch the debate.
Sure.
Thanks.
I know you're running a tight campaign, Allan, so here's $1.
25 in muffin money in case you need another bran fix.
(Laughing) Let me be clear, the muffin wasn't bran.
What kind was it? I don't remember.
Oh, I guess when it's free, it doesn't matter, does it, Allan? (Clapping) The ratings are going to be huge.
This might even beat yoga lady.
I'm glad Dan's in the debate.
Yeah, Dan and I used to date.
And then I was engaged to this other guy and broke it off.
And I think Dan thinks that I-- Yeah, I'm really trying to watch this.
Sure.
DAN: I feel good.
Let's do another question.
Good morning.
Jeff, didn't you get my message? I poked you on Facebook and I tweeted you.
Why didn't you call? With what? Never mind.
What's up? Mr.
Swifty's here.
At this branch? He's been waiting here for half an hour.
I told him you had a family emergency.
He seems kind of mad.
No, no, he's cool.
Mr.
Swifty may be the owner, but you don't have to lie to him.
Jeff, where have you been? My mother was in a terrible motorcycle accident.
She hasn't been riding long.
But she's okay.
In fact, the only downside is she has no memory of the accident at all, if you were to call her.
Jeff, I know she wasn't in an accident.
Tim told me to lie.
I know he didn't tell you to lie.
I'm sorry.
I should have been here.
I'm here now.
It's not about you being here or not being here.
It's about the numbers for your store, and they're down.
Jeff, you're a bit of a rising star in the Swifty Copy family.
Is there something that's distracting you? No, nothing I can think of.
It's a bit of a slump, sure, but it's not one of those things where you have to hang around for three days just to make sure it's all fixed.
Oh, no, no.
I was thinking more like a week.
Oh.
Hey, there he is, the muffin man! You u totally kicked Allan Duffy's butt.
Thanks.
So, any luck? With? Oh, finding a new place.
I thought you liked this place.
I do.
Me too.
Why would we move? Hey, you know what we should do? We should throw muffins at Allan and really put it in Claire's face.
Oh, I don't know.
Or send muffins to Allan that are full of cayenne pepper, but say it's from it's wife so he eats it but really it's full of cayenne pepper.
That would so put it in Claire's face.
I don't think we should make this so much about Claire.
No, this is about Allan.
Good.
You should throw a brick at his house.
Yeah, or something very different from that.
I just need to put it in Allan's face.
I guess.
Especially Claire's.
Anyway, I was in the neighbourhood and thought I'd stop by to say sorry about before.
I'm sure that threw you for quite a loop.
What's that? You know, me telling you Dan broke up with you because of me.
We broke up with each other at the same time.
It wasn't because of you.
Sure, you have to think that way.
I get that.
I just wanted to say I shouldn't have brought it up during the debate.
Okay.
When Dan and you decided, mutually, to be friends, my name came up a lot, didn't it? No.
Really? Not once.
I don't remember.
It just seems likely-- Maybe it did.
Oh, there you go.
I can see why you're hurt.
I'm going to go let you work through this.
You need time.
So, if you talk the customer into spiral binding, you've double the quote.
I know all about upselling, Mr.
Swifty.
Then why are the numbers down? It's like you haven't been here the past couple of weeks.
But it's always good to have a refresher.
Can I interrupt for a second? Not really, spiral bindings.
I'm sorry, sir.
My manager has obviously forgotten that the customer always comes first.
How can we help you? I'm not a customer.
Oh.
I'm a friend of Jeff, so Oh, that's much better.
So, I'll see you later, Dan, when I'm not working.
You were saying something about-- Sorry, but this is important.
More important than spiral binding? Yeah.
Dan, this is Mr.
Swifty, the owner of Swifty Copy.
Good one.
Ralph Swifty, nice to meet you.
Oh, Swifty? That's where the name comes from.
Why else would it be called Swifty Copy? Because you guys are quick.
Oh, it works both ways.
Mr.
Swifty's just visiting, which I am excited about because-- as you know, Dan-- I put my work ahead of everything else.
Except the campaign.
What campaign? The campaign to get more business at Swifty Copy.
Coincidentally, Dan's running a campaign to become mayor, so that might be confusing.
I know I'm confused.
That's our Dan, the baffled, loveable, ragamuffin who's running for mayor.
Well, good luck, Dan.
We'll see you later.
I need your help.
Always happy to copy campaign literature, at 10¢ a page, and can I interest you in a spiral binding? So, I guess I'm leaving? Yes.
So, you have a 2:00 at the community centre-- Don't mean to interrupt.
I just thought I'd stop by and give a few muffins to my fellow candidate.
I bought them myself, and don't worry, I won't be expensing this.
Allan, try this one.
What are you doing? Just a little goodwill gesture between campaigns.
They smell good.
You can't take one.
Sure, he can, especially this one.
Mike, what are you doing here? You can break up with me, Claire, and you can break up with Dan, but you can't break up the Mike and Dan team.
You burn us, we burn you.
Is that cranberry? Yeah, you should try it.
Don't.
I expected more from you.
And Wessegonians expect more from Allan Duffy.
Though he could go a long way to redeeming himself by eating this muffin right here.
We have work to do, and you can keep your muffins.
All of them? Now do we throw them? That was great.
We got Claire good.
You mean Allan.
Yeah, Allan.
We should go back to the office and sing The Muffin Man.
Have you seen the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man I know the song.
We'll sing it and maybe throw a pie at Claire.
This isn't about Claire.
Maybe we should back off.
I don't want to hurt Claire's feelings.
She works for Allan though.
Man, that girls has a knack for picking losers.
I think I just ate a muffin with cayenne pepper in it.
Glad things are going okay without me.
Listen, sorry about before.
It's just Mr.
Swifty's on my case about the store.
Ah, it's okay.
Mike's been helping me.
Going to Allan's was kind of his idea, kind of.
Yeah, that muffin thing played great on the news.
Yeah, we really stuck it in Claire's face.
Huh? I mean, Allan.
I'm spending too much time with Mike.
Sorry for the wait.
Oh, so, do we sit anywhere, Dan? How about that one? After you.
Dan, wait.
Ah, it's okay.
You don't have to apologize.
No, I was just going to ask for a couple of menus.
Oh, okay.
Thanks, buddy.
The muffin thing's going to blow over.
I don't get it.
I claim almost nothing, especially compared to Bud.
When Bud was mayor, you wouldn't have believed the things he had me claim.
Well, people expect a certain amount of expensing.
Yeah, I guess.
Too bad I don't take family vacations.
Well, you can't claim family vacations.
Sure, you can, under business travel.
According to Bud, as long as your family travels business class, it's fine.
What else did he claim? Oh, standard stuff, golf trips, spa weekends, flat screen TV.
Well, that kind of makes sense, office furniture.
Not that one, no, the 52" plasma at the cottage.
More of a home theatre.
Cottage theatre, I guess.
Claire? Has Claire always thought that she was the reason for all decisions ever made by everyone everywhere? Yeah, pretty much.
She thinks we broke up because of her.
What? That's crazy.
I know, crazy.
That's not why you broke up with me, is it? No.
I mean, I live my life, she lives hers.
Hey, Dan, thought about it.
You're right.
You should stop going hard at Claire.
You're going to hurt her feelings.
Wait, no.
You were going after Claire.
I was going after Allan.
Oh, gotcha.
Don't want to say anything in front of the ex.
What? No, no, no.
It's not that.
Kind of sounds like it is.
No, wait, Claire-- Brianna.
Oh, and on the song front, not Muffin Man.
New idea: Hot Cross Buns.
Hot cross buns, hot cross buns Yeah, I know how it goes.
You're quitting? No, I just bought a new briefcase in the shape of a banker's box.
It's nice.
Oh, you're kidding.
Yes.
I've had enough: the lying, embezzling, the flute playing.
Okay, what if I promised to never play the flute again at the office? Allan But you can't quit.
Your campaign is already done.
You just admitted to covering up thousands in Bud's expenses.
There's a good explanation.
I didn't mean to tell you that.
My bad for hearing.
Look, you're not going to tell anyone, are you? No.
I'm a professional, you're a client.
I don't talk out of school.
I respect that.
Now, as a professional, if there were evidence of all this, would you shred it or burn it? Hey, Jeff, you got a sec? Umm, I don't, actually.
I'm sorry, Dan, but I have to focus on my job right now.
Well, it's just that something's come up and I can't really talk about it with Mike.
I don't have time to help you now.
On work time, I have to do work.
Fine.
Hello, person that works at a photocopier store.
Could you help me with my copy needs? It's blank.
I know.
I need 500 copies.
Could you help? And while we do this, we can talk.
This thing came up while we were campaigning.
You know Allan and the muffin thing? Well, it's gone all kind of sideways.
Let me do that.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
I was doing some photocopying for my campaign.
Hell of a slogan.
Oh.
Ha! Forgot the original.
What a loveable ragamuffin I am! What am I doing running for mayor? I don't know.
What's going on? I'm sorry.
I should have been up front with you.
I'm helping Dan with his campaign, and I got to go talk to him.
I'll be five minutes.
Dan! What are you doing? The campaign is important too.
What's up? Well, it's Claire.
You know, she thinks she broke up me and Brianna.
At first, I thought she was crazy-- Oh, God.
I gave up my copying career for this? Yeah, sorry about that.
Be true to yourself, look into your heart, use the force.
I don't know, Dan.
I got to go.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Listen, Dan I understand.
No, you still owe me 50 bucks for the copies.
I need it before I go back inside.
I knew I shouldn't have let Mike talk me into taunting you.
Now you're quitting.
Not because of you.
Whatever.
Sometimes I forget how much I affect other people's lives.
You don't.
Well, I think you have feelings for me.
I don't mean feelings feelings like that.
Well maybe a little.
And then I hit you with this muffin thing and here you go quitting.
You are so self-centred.
This is because I broke up you and Brianna, isn't it? No, it isn't.
You're trying to make it about you when it's really about me.
No, you won't admit that you're quitting because you were bested by my superior campaigning skills.
No, I'm quitting because Allan told me he's covering up thousands of dollars of illegal expenses.
Okay, that trumps my "superior campaigning" thing.
Listen, Mr.
Swifty, I lied about Dan.
And sorry, I've been distracted.
It's okay.
No, I put photocopying second.
So, if you need to find someone to run this store who's more worthy of the Swifty name, I understand.
I have.
Tim? No, he just happened to walk in as I was saying that.
Do you have to be here? No, sorry.
I meant you, Jeff.
You're my best guy.
Sure, I'm not getting your full effort, but your 80% is better than most.
One thing I've learned over the years of running Swifty, you can copy a lot of things, Jeff, but you can't copy people.
I don't know what that means, Mr.
Swifty, but thank you.
Hey.
Hey, I need to talk Toto yo.
Only if it's not about Claire.
It's not about Claire.
Okay.
Claire told me something.
Oh my God.
Shut up about this.
No, no.
She told me that the last mayor embezzled money from the city and Allan covered for him.
What? You got to run with this.
No, I can't.
Claire didn't mean to tell me.
She wasn't supposed to tell me.
If people found out that she airs her clients' dirty laundry, she'll never work again.
But if Allan did that, people need to know.
It could put you out in front.
What should we do? I think I know who we should talk to.
Tim? No, Mr.
Swifty.
I was just going to ask Tim where Mr.
Swifty is.
He's in the back.
So, if I go public with the embezzling thing, it'll hurt Claire.
And this Claire person is important to you? Very.
Dan, there a bunch of parts that make up a photocopier.
I may not know what all those parts are called, but I do know this: put them all together and you get one giant machine that copies things gloriously.
So, should I tell? Probably not.
I thought about it and I'm not going to tell anyone because, at the end of the day, we're all parts in a giant photocopier.
Well, you know.
Not really.
Well, we are and no purpose is served by me going public.
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
Other than justice.
It really means a lot to me.
And the city would get their money back.
I'm glad I can trust you.
Putting in safeguards to prevent this from ever happening again.
Yeah, we've made our decision, so, anyway We should talk.
Okay.
I hope you haven't felt all weird about me doing this campaign thing with Dan.
No, it's cool.
I wasn't doing it so you gave him what he needed.
If it makes you feel any better, I don't think it meant anything to h him.
It doesn't really.
I just didn't want it to get weird between us.
Too late.
And not only did the late Mayor Bud Calgrove falsely report thousands in personal expenses, but my opponent, Deputy Mayor Allan Duffy, helped him cover it up.
What? This is a stain on City Hall, worse than the actual stain on City Hall, which has yet to be cleaned up from frosh week.
I don't understand how this happened.
University kids.
Frosh week is a big problem in the downtown area.
No, the first part.
Oh, I know.
Anita Vargas totally got the jump on us.
I let you down.
Dan, I thought you weren't going to tell anyone.
I didn't tell anyone.
I told you and Mr.
Swifty.
Who's Mr.
Swifty? The Swifty Copy guy.
I thought he was a cartoon, a little piece of paper with a cap.
That's Mr.
Foolscap, our mascot.
Mr.
Swifty's human.
You told the Swifty guy before you told me? How am I supposed to run your campaign if I don't know what's going on? You're not running my campaign.
I mean, we gave muffins to the deputy mayor together.
We almost got him to eat that one with the cayenne pepper.
I ate the one with the cayenne pepper! And I had to apologize for the muffing thing! And I'm just finding out about this now? I quit.
He's all yours.
Mr.
Swifty, did you tell anyone what we told you about Allan Duffy? Yes.
Really? Because Anita Vargas found out-- He said yes.
Oh.
I thought you said people come first.
Yeah, you, not him, so I told her.
Why? If he takes the credit for blowing the whistle on Allan, he wins the election, which means you work at City Hall and I lose my best manager.
People come first, people that work for me.
That's how I am and I don't make any apologies.
I'm sorry.
Wow, and you looked up to him.
Yeah.
Maybe I should ask for a raise.
He seems pretty keen on me.
What? I've got a family.
So, while I consider myself innocent of the accusations, uh, in the interest of democracy and fairplay On a side note, I am also making a one time donation to the city of 30,000$.
Quitter.
- Ready to go? - Yeah.
Hey, hang on.
It's just you said you weren't gonna tell anyone and then I see Anita on the news I know, but maybe, in the end it's not such a bad thing.
At least it's out in the open, something is done about it.
You didn't break anyone's confidence and .
It's all good.
Yeah, that's true.
I'm not used getting perspective from you.
It's a surprising mature outlook actually.
Oh, here he comes, here he comes.
Get him! Screw you, Mr.
Swifty.
Eat this, Swifty.
Not so swift now, eh?