Dan Vs. (2010) s01e10 Episode Script

You know what I like to add here? A little cinnamon.
It makes everything better-- ice cream, pancakes, even liver.
Is that really necessary? Can't believe I have to buy a new toaster.
Stupid firefighters! Thank you, sir.
You are very generous, sir.
What was that? Never mind.
I don't have time for you.
How can you be out of toasters? Forget it! I will take my business elsewhere! - We sell toasters.
- Don't talk to me! Where's my car? Where's my car? Did my car get towed? No, sir.
Safely on its way.
- On its way where? - Eagle Rock, I think.
We appreciate the donation of your automobile.
Donation? I just parked it there for five minutes! In our donation area, sir.
I did not want to donate my vehicle! Oh.
Really? Whoops.
That's all you have to say to me, "Whoops"? You stole my car! I said, "Whoops.
" And in my defense, no one would want to keep a vehicle like that.
Who are you? What's with the stupid outfit? Are you part of some strangely dressed ring of car thieves? No, sir! I'm in the Salvation Armed Forces, sir! I don't even know where Salvatia is! Why is the United States military allowing you to operate on our sovereign soil? And what gives you the right to commandeer my vehicle? Sir, you obviously don't understand.
Give me my car! Remove your hands from my person immediately, sir.
What are you going to do about it? Now listen here, you-- SALVATION ARMED FORCES!!! Do not test me, sir.
I aced hand-to-hand combat training in Salvation boot camp.
Bet you're not so tough without that bell.
Hello there.
How may I help you? There has been a mistake.
My car was taken from outside your store today.
Oh, that's impossible.
We've received only one donated vehicle today, and it was not in drivable condition.
That's the one! I need it back.
I'm sorry, sir.
All donations are final.
But it wasn't a donation! I'm sure it makes you feel good to know that you're helping the needy.
I'm needy! I needy my car! You needy to give it back! Please calm down.
You're causing a disturbance and upsetting the other customers.
You haven't seen me cause a disturbance, lady yet.
Is that a threat? The alarm bell! Ow! Stop that! I don't see how I can hope to win against that kind of military might.
I need backup.
Hello.
We are in occupied-- - Wait.
Elise? - Yes, Dan.
Usually Chris answers the phone.
He's at the store right now buying a swimsuit for our vacation.
He'll have to cancel.
I didn't authorize a vacation.
Luckily our travel plans don't need authorization from a barking malcontent.
There's no call for that kind of rudeness.
Look, Dan, we have a lot of preparations to make for our trip, and I don't want Chris getting wrapped up in any funny business.
Funny business? We are in occupied territory.
A foreign army is encamped on our soil.
What foreign army? The Salvation Armed Forces.
The Salvation Armed Forces are a charity organization.
Don't tell me you've fallen for that thinly veiled ruse.
"Oh, look, a big wooden horse.
Wouldn't it look great inside our fortified city?" "Why don't we bring it inside the walls and leave it unguarded overnight?" Hello? Hello? You don't hang up on me.
I hang up on you.
Hello.
Some people are so rude.
- Hello.
- Don't talk to Elise today.
She's obviously lost her mind.
She seemed fine this morning.
Look, are you going to abandon your country in a time of need? - Uh no.
- Exactly.
So get over here.
They must be stopped.
Elise can be an ostrich if she wants.
Not me, pal.
I'm confused.
What are we talking about? Foreign armies, national security! Okay, I'm going to go.
Wait! I need a ride.
I'm supposed to be packing for our vacation.
Come on! I'm stuck here! My car has been stolen.
I'd do it for you.
What about last year when my car was stolen and you didn't pick me up? That was different.
It was overcast.
That guy knows 12 ways to kill a man with a bell.
Wow.
I only know one.
So you said your car has been stolen.
Yes, by the Salvation Armed Forces.
Really? I thought they help people.
God, you are so naive.
We need to hurt them and get my car back.
- Yeah, I'd like to help - And you will.
but Elise and l are going on vacation, and there's a lot to do.
Sorry.
You are not a good American.
I happen to think I'm a very good American.
Look, just help me figure out how to infiltrate their organization.
You could go in and buy something.
Like a customer? Yes, much like a customer.
They're the enemy.
I don't want to support them financially.
- Could I drop you off at home? - Of course not.
I need to buy a swimsuit.
I don't want to have to rent one again.
I am not getting out of your car until you figure out how I can infiltrate the Salvation Armed Forces.
Huh.
What was that? Was that your "l have an idea" huh or your "I'm hungry again" huh? I didn't know I had more than one "huh.
" Huh.
Never mind.
What's your big idea? - Trust me.
- What's this? Another charity organization.
So that's your plan.
We turn them against each other, start a war.
I like it.
Mangled bodies of charity workers scattered all over the place.
The streets will run red with blood.
The plan is we're going to buy a chair.
Oh.
Well, that's good too.
Welcome to Greatwill I guess.
Are you okay? I just realized that all men are mortal, and I am a man, therefore I am mortal.
It's like-- You know? Yeah.
That's, uh We're looking for a chair.
That chair is, like, $50.
That's a little more than I wanted to spend.
If this is for my revenge against the Salvation Armed Forces, price is no object.
Now pay him.
Wait.
The Salvation Armed Forces? The competition? I hate those guys! They think they're so cool with those fancy uniforms.
All I get is a blue apron, and I'm an autumn.
They stole my car! I am going to make them pay! And apparently I need this chair to do it.
Just take it, dude.
Nothing matters anymore anyway.
- Let's go.
- Wait.
I need to buy a swimsuit.
No time! So what's the plan? Chris, what are you doing? Are you all packed? Almost.
I just have to finish stitching up this chair and call the Salvation Armed Forces to come get it.
- Dare I ask why? - It's for Dan.
After this, I can concentrate on getting ready for our vacation.
Well, don't waste too much time helping Dan.
We have a lot to do.
He's not wasting time.
I'm going to go pack.
Sir, thank you for your generous donation, sir.
No problem.
This old thing was just sitting around.
Shh-ould I help you move it? It's deceptively heavy and misanthropic.
That would be great.
What was that, sir? Nothing.
Enjoy the Dan.
Chair.
The chair's name is Dan.
Goodbye, chair.
Yes, sir.
There were scorpions everywhere.
Did you disinfect the chair? Oh.
Not yet, sir.
Come on.
It's quitting time.
Ohh! My back.
I've done it.
I'm inside.
That's great.
I'm going to bed.
No, wait! I forgot why I'm here.
I inhaled a lot of disinfectant spray.
I'm a little woozy.
You want to find out where they took your car.
Right.
I'll call you when it's done.
I'm turning my phone off so I can sleep.
Good night, Dan.
Let's see.
"Atrocious"? That's my girl.
Huh? Forgot the file.
You can't talk to Captain Chris like that.
Walk the plank.
Tell Dan we moved.
What are you doing here? I found out where they're keeping my car.
I wanted to let you know.
And you thought the best way to do that was to prowl around my house in the middle of the night - and tap on my windows? - Your phone was off.
Come on.
We got to get my car back.
Let's go.
You have to get your car back.
I don't see how this involves me at all.
Oh, no problem.
I'll explain it to you.
Whose car will I be forced to "borrow" on a regular basis if I don't have one? - Ted's.
- Yours.
- Extra key, activate.
- Hey, give me that! Ah-ah.
To slow.
To slow for-- oof! Stop it! It's mine! Get your own key! Was that a scorpion? Fine.
Take it.
I made lots of copies.
You know, at some point very soon, we are going to have a talk about boundaries.
Look, I need your help.
The place is just around the corner.
Please.
Did you just say, "Please"? No.
Shut up.
So where are we going? Just keep driving east for a very long time.
Chris: You said it was around the corner.
I'm sure it's around a corner.
Man, I keep finding these everywhere.
At least they're nonstinging.
Don't scream.
It makes them sting harder.
Dan, do not distract the driver with stinging, poisonous arachnids! I can't feel my face.
Trust me.
It's still there.
It's like car jail.
- Give me a boost.
- I don't know.
I'm not dressed for illegal activities.
Quit being such a baby.
They don't have much security here, do they? Found it! Intruder alert! Stop right there! Aah! Nice doggy! - Again with the bell? - If you attempt to move, I will continue to beat you with my bell, sir.
Oh, this isn't over, Salvation Armed Forces.
I'll be back soon as I get out of jail.
When is Elise going to be here? We're on a mission! Elise probably won't get the message until she wakes up.
I turned our phones off, remember? And now you see the result of your rash and foolhardy actions.
Let this be a lesson to you! Don't poke me.
I'm not in the mood.
So this bothers you? Get your thumb out of my eye! Get your eye off of my thumb! Yeah, that's them, officer.
So burglary, attempted grand theft auto, resisting arrest-- - That one's just Dan.
- It's not my fault.
You make one grab for a cop's gun, and all of a sudden, it's a big deal.
And one charge of public indecency.
That one's me.
Rottweiler bit a hole in my nightshirt.
Our flight leaves in six hours.
I know.
Dan, I really can't help you on this anymore.
You're deserting me? Don't think of it as deserting, more like a tactical retreat.
How am I supposed to get my car back or get revenge on the Salvation Armed Forces or that Salvation Armed Forces guy who beat me up with his bell twice? I'm sure you'll think of something.
Okay, here's the plan.
Dan, what did I just say to you? I don't know.
Probably something like, "Momina-momina, I'm big and stupid, and I won't help my friend Dan because--" Goodbye, Dan.
See you in a couple of weeks.
Hey, it's you.
Did you hurt the Salvation Armed Forces? - Not yet.
- Oh.
Perfect.
Gather the troops.
We attack in two hours.
What troops? Everyone! Hey, everyone.
Thank you all for coming.
I do not exaggerate in the slightest when I say that the fate of the world is in our hands.
Our ancient enemies, the Salvation Armed Forces, have dominated us for too long.
Today we strike them where it will hurt them the most, their donated vehicle program.
I'm not going to lie to you.
It could get ugly.
The important thing is today we strike back.
Today we send a message that despite their spiffy uniforms and highly trained soldiers, Greatwill shall be victorious! Do you even work here? As my most trusted officer, I am asking you to deliver this message.
I won't let you down, sir.
Wait.
What did you want me to do? "l write to youp on the eve of battle.
Even thrumyurg betrayed me with your cowardice and flurgle" Dan's handwriting is terrible.
Dan's voice: "l forgive you.
Now is not the time for spungiforum or regret.
Yours trungy, Dan.
" - Who was that? - No one.
Hey, I just remembered I never got that swimsuit.
- I'd better run out.
- We have to go in an hour.
If we have to reschedule our flight, I am checking you as luggage.
Attention! Who are you supposed to be? I'm General Anesthesia, commander in chief of the Salvation Armed Forces.
Why, I've never heard of you.
Well, sure, that's because-- scorpions! Oh, get them off! Oh, calm down.
They only sting when you scream.
I can't stop screaming! The football is in play.
The football is in play.
Over! Wait.
Was that the code? - Yes! Over! - I forgot what that one meant.
It means I disabled the guard and you guys can come out now! Over! Oh, right.
Gotcha.
No! You don't say, "Gotcha.
" It's, "Roger.
" Right.
Gotcha, Roger.
Oh, I hate that guy.
Hey, Roger, the radio's still on.
You'll never get away with this.
See? That will trigger an automatic alarm unless you hit the cutoff button.
- Which one's that? - Big red one right there.
I am very disappointed in you.
And I'm looking forward to hitting you with my bell again, sir.
Wait! No! You win.
I surrender.
Sorry, General.
I guess you're a POW.
Guard him.
I'm going to chase down those Greatwill punks.
He's the best we got.
What took you so long? You sent me a letter.
Come on.
Let's get your car.
Oh, we will.
But first Okay, now! You're stealing Rottweilers? What for? They're very intelligent animals.
You can train them to do pretty much anything.
Sure.
Oh, man, I've really got to go.
- I don't want to be luggage.
- What? - Cutting it close, mister.
- I know.
So what kind of swimsuit did you get? Was it the "helping Dan get back at the Salvation Armed Forces" kind of swimsuit? - Yes.
- That's okay.
I got you one yesterday.
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