DAVE (2020) s01e10 Episode Script

1
On stage rapping ♪
Ain't shit to me, I'm
a rapper, that's what I do ♪
Young Dave snappin' ♪
The crowd seem to fuck with me
and I like them, too ♪
Ordinarily I might joke around
on the stage ♪
Funny motherfucker,
class clown, 12th grade ♪
Sometimes I might overstep
my boundaries ♪
Do some weird shit, believe in
the art of the joke ♪
In this case, I was like ♪
Ay, y'all a great crowd ♪
So as a reward,
do you wanna see my dick? ♪
Crowd went wild,
now I'm kinda torn ♪
Mid-show soft dick ♪
Is my worst soft dick, I'm a moron ♪
"Show your dick, show your dick" ♪
- Whole crowd chants ♪
- Shit ♪
I'm like, I can't,
but what about nuts? ♪
People erupt, whipped out
the nuts cheers ♪
Off stage, head up to the
dressing room, five cops ♪
Waiting in my dressing room ♪
Goddamn, dude, you blowing up ♪
Look at how they beefing up
the security ♪
I was like, Officers, I'll be okay ♪
"Sir, you're under arrest" ♪
I laughed in jest,
assumed he was just ♪
Showing off
for his cop friends ♪
Opened some Chex Mix,
"Sir, I'm gonna need you ♪
- To put on these cuffs" ♪
- I'm like, "What?" ♪
Sir, you just exposed yourself,
at an all-ages show nonetheless ♪
♪
Wait, you talking 'bout
showing nuts? ♪
- Sir ♪
- That's like a common joke ♪
You never pull out a ball
with your friends or ♪
Never?
-Sir, please put on these cuffs ♪
Wait, stop, no,
this is actually happening? ♪
- Sir, sir ♪
- Wait, this is unfair ♪
- I'm sorry, I swear ♪
- Sir! ♪
- Please hear me out ♪
- Sir, you're going to jail ♪
I'm like, "Jail?" ♪
"Yeah" ♪
- I'm like, "Jail?" ♪
- Yeah ♪
Booked, bail ♪
- Pay it, scared ♪
- This is crazy ♪
- Months pass, trial ♪
- Real trial ♪
45 parents press charges ♪
- I got a DUI in college ♪
- Stupid ♪
- This was not my first offense ♪
- Oh, my God ♪
Children were crying
on the stand ♪
- Probably the dorks of their class ♪
- You're a loser ♪
Now it's the day of my reckoning ♪
They 'bout to give me my sentencing ♪
Can't even breathe
and I'm trembling ♪
- The jury arrived at a verdict ♪
- Guilty ♪
- I thought I misheard it ♪
- Guilty ♪
- Mama Burd going berserk ♪
- My son! ♪
Wait, you said two years,
Your Honor? ♪
- Yes ♪
- On the bus to Tuckawala ♪
They got me chained to Roberto ♪
Tat on his face, he was fidgety ♪
Shook as can be as we pullin' in ♪
They take my picture, unchain me ♪
They give me my state I.D. ♪
Then they took me to a room ♪
And told me
to "spread your cheeks" ♪
I was like, "Like this?" ♪
"Yeah, but rake your nuts" ♪
Rake rake my nuts? ♪
- Like pull 'em up? ♪
- Yes ♪
- Oh, okay ♪
- They made me squat and cough ♪
- Standard procedure, I'm wid it ♪
- It's cool ♪
After I finished
I had a minute with the guard ♪
Say to him,
"Sir, I know this is bizarre" ♪
"But the whole rape thing,
is it, like, real?" ♪
"Is it actually a thing in jail?" ♪
- "Or?"
- "Yeah" ♪
I'm like, "Yeah? It really happens?" ♪
"Yeah" ♪
Isn't it your job
to protect people? ♪
- Getting walked to my cell ♪
- We got a white boy! ♪
Walking through jail ♪
- Shit is like hell ♪
- You dead, you dead! ♪
- It's just like the movies ♪
- Gettin' fucked! ♪
- Screaming and hollering,
- HOOTING: "Fresh meat!" ♪
"I'll break your back!" ♪
"What that mouth like?" ♪
- "I'm-a need that" ♪
- A neo-Nazi just smiles ♪
We get to my cell,
got a cellmate named Raheem ♪
- Hi, I'm Dave ♪
- Good dude, wonder why he in ♪
- I'm Raheem ♪
- Then he asked me what I even did ♪
I explained
the whole thing, was performing ♪
Showed my nuts,
totally innocent, like ♪
Well, I did it,
but it was an innocent act ♪
It's not a big deal, now I'm here ♪
In Tuckawala for two years
for exposing myself to minors ♪
"Whoa, whoa, you a pedophile?"
Raheem said ♪
No, I'm not a pedophile,
you just heard the story ♪
Okay, okay, okay; You cannot
let anyone know this ♪
Why? It's not a big
-If they find out, then it's over ♪
- Over? ♪
- You raped; Dead, maybe ♪
Raped dead? ♪
Let's just think
of solutions instead ♪
Raped dead? ♪
In here there's
the blacks and the Mexicans ♪
Well, what about
those white supremacists? ♪
They see that you're Jewish,
it's evident ♪
- It's evident, what does ♪
- The blacks and the Mexicans ♪
- Don't have inherent hatred for you
- True ♪
You got to pick
one of them for protection ♪
- Who? The blacks or the Mexicans?
- Yes ♪
Uh, I mean, I guess
I go blacks, right? Blacks ♪
I just don't
know much about Mexicans ♪
I hear you ♪
Like,
at home I would hang out with blacks ♪
Go with blacks, then ♪
Well, how do they
know I'm with blacks? ♪
Like how do I refer to it?
Do I say "blacks"? ♪
- You won't have to say ♪
- I feel like it'd be weird ♪
If I said,
"I'm with the blacks" ♪
- It's not like that ♪
- How is it referred to? ♪
Don't worry, I'll make sure ♪
That everyone knows
you're with us ♪
3:00 rec, ball ♪
Pretty solid courts,
real good runs ♪
Watched on the sidelines,
didn't try to run ♪
Calling for next
would be calling for death ♪
Real good black dude roll his ankle ♪
"Ay, carambo" ♪
Now there's a squad
that's only got four players ♪
And in jail the other team
picks his replacement ♪
They look around
and my heart started racing ♪
One guy is beelining
straight up at David ♪
'Cause they probably think
I'm a horrible player ♪
They like, "All right, take
this white, skinny bitch" ♪
Little do they know I'm a bad
motherfucker on the court ♪
First play hit 'em
with the cross-up fake ♪
Next play, wide open three,
like, wet ♪
The yard taking notice,
I take a charge ♪
But they don't even notice ♪
Don't leave him open ♪
His jumper is potent ♪
Pat on the back ♪
Feel like a black ♪
Dap, dap, dap ♪
All the sudden, a Mexican guy ♪
Walks on the court and says ♪
Stop the game, stop the game,
stop the game ♪
Gets in my face ♪
"You know what he did?" ♪
Everyone's frozen in place ♪
- You know what he did? ♪
- What he do? What he do? ♪
He raped some kids ♪
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, not true,"
I said ♪
"One was my niece!" ♪
Hold on, I can explain,
I'm a rapper, I was on stage ♪
You ain't no motherfuckin' rapper ♪
- Yes, I am ♪
- We gon' rape you ♪
No, I am a rapper ♪
I'll spit, you want me to spit? ♪
I'll fucking spit! I'll ♪
You 'bout to get fucked, pendejo ♪
My dick sucks, my dick sucks ♪
Uh, that's just a hook ♪
Remember the name Don Quixote ♪
That's the guy
that will fuck you later ♪
- Okay, chismoso? ♪
- Then he walked away ♪
I tried to play it cool,
I'm like, "Back to the game" ♪
Punched in my back,
thrown off the court ♪
I'm like, "I'm with the
blacks," that made it worse ♪
Smack, smack, smack ♪
I'm like, "I didn't rape no kids" ♪
I just showed my sack ♪
You never did that, like,
with your friends? ♪
- Ain't fuck nah, pussy ♪
- It was just a joke ♪
I believe in the art of the joke ♪
That don't sound very funny ♪
Yeah, but you should've
seen it, it worked ♪
They laughed,
the joke was successful ♪
They whipped my ass ♪
- Now I'm not with the blacks ♪
- You ain't black ♪
Lick my wounds in my cell,
tell Raheem all the facts ♪
This guy walked on the court ♪
- "Oh, no, Don Quixote?" ♪
- Yeah ♪
- That's the most dangerous Mexican ♪
- Really? ♪
And now all the blacks
not protecting you ♪
Yeah, no shit, and by the way ♪
They didn't take kindly ♪
To me saying
I was with the blacks ♪
Well, now ♪
- Now everyone's got the green light ♪
- Green light? ♪
- I wish I could make it be right ♪
- Raheem ♪
- You're definitely gonna get raped ♪
- Raped dead? ♪
If I were you, I'd learn to fight ♪
I can't fight, I'd lose every fight ♪
Instead of fighting back ♪
What if I offer,
like, willing head? ♪
Willing head? ♪
I'm like, "Yeah" ♪
Willing head? ♪
Yeah, think about it ♪
- Nobody wants to fight ♪
- That's not true ♪
I would much rather give
consensual head ♪
Than get fucked up my ass
and die ♪
Well, it's not gon' be
an option like that ♪
No, no, hear me out,
what if one day up in the caf ♪
I stuck a paper on the wall? ♪
- A paper? ♪
- Yeah, a sign-up sheet ♪
A sign-up sheet? ♪
Yeah, with time slots ♪
What? Time slots? ♪
Yeah, for head ♪
You know, if you,
if you don't rape me ♪
I'll give you the best head
you'll ever get in jail ♪
And I'll be such a joy,
so pleasant ♪
What a great companion
I could be ♪
- I don't think ♪
- This is so smart ♪
- Uh ♪
- Yeah, uh ♪
Then word would get around
about the head ♪
And everybody
would start to realize ♪
The second I'm raped,
that the head off the table ♪
Better than anal ♪
The brothers would kill
for this shit, Cain and Abel ♪
You're not gonna have
the option like that, cuh ♪
It's it's cool
when you say "cuh" ♪
Like cuz, but you "cuh" ♪
Where you from, Raheem? ♪
Man, I got to nap ♪
Oh, when you wake, then ♪
Caf, tuna fish ♪
Actually surprised
because this shit fire ♪
Usually I'm real picky
with my tuna type ♪
Only like my mom's and Subway's ♪
Did you guys know ♪
That Subway's the biggest
chain in the world? ♪
Over McDonald's ♪
No one responded ♪
Tap Raheem's shoulder, I said ♪
"Did you know that, Raheem?" ♪
"What?" ♪
That Subway'sthe biggest chain? ♪
- Bigger than McDonald's ♪
- No ♪
Walking back to my cell ♪
Just me and the guard, I feel greasy ♪
- All the sudden he bail ♪
- What the fuck? ♪
Then as I turned the corner,
I saw Don Quixote ♪
Fuck, this is it, oh, my God,
Dave, you're so raped ♪
Thought of my options,
he start approaching ♪
I'm like, "Quixote, relax,
I'm open to it" ♪
Come here ♪
Kissed on his neck ♪
Licked on his ears ♪
Took off his shirt ♪
Kissed on his stomach,
his chest is so bulbous ♪
But I'm playing my part ♪
He fallin' hard, I got his heart ♪
I get down to my knees, ay ♪
Tease, ay ♪
Whipped out the dick ♪
Oh, my God, so big, ah ♪
Veins, everywhere, so many veins ♪
Off-colored dick ♪
Darker than I expected ♪
I realized in that moment ♪
I've never seen
a Mexicano's dick before ♪
Spit on the dick ♪
His guard fallen ♪
Cocked his head back
real slow ♪
"Ay, carambo" ♪
Plan coming to fruition ♪
I open wide, put the tip in ♪
And I close my eyes,
pray to God and ♪
- Okay, turn it off, please.
- Turn it off now.
You want this to be your first single?
100% yes, but, like, I will
field any and all questions
after the song's completed.
There's, like,
six and a half minutes left.
Can we just talk after
the song's over, please?
- Have some courtesy? Thank you.
- No No. Just
We are never
putting that song out. Ever.
Okay? I'm actually a little concerned
that we might be in some sort of trouble
even playing it out loud here.
I'm very confused as to what
you're even talking about.
Like, this is the most
innovative piece of content
maybe ever, in the history
of recorded media.
Okay, so we can get on the same page,
what-what rubbed you the most?
Uh, Jim, may I?
- By all means.
- Okay, great.
Yes, let's have a nice,
civil discourse about this.
As a black man, I find this
extremely offensive.
- Mm.
- The criminal justice system,
it embodies all the racism
that African Americans face
in this country every day.
And for you, through a black
art form no less,
to take it and make such
a-a mockery of everything,
I, uh You know, I don't
even feel comfortable
working on this project now,
Jim, to be honest.
I understand.
Yeah, I respect that.
I'm sorry that you feel
that way, I really am,
but just so you know, there are
six and a half minutes left
where I get to this whole climax
that exposes
the criminal justice system.
That's the whole point of the song.
You just didn't let me get there.
I lure people in with absurdity
through, like,
the lens of a privileged perspective.
And so, can I please just
Thank you.
- Go ahead.
- Bit off his dick ♪
Ay, carambo ♪
Spit out his dick ♪
Ugh! He fell to his knees ♪
No. Uh Unbelievable.
- May I also chime in?
- Please, Pam.
For you to be making jokes
about rape ever,
let alone in 2020,
I'm just shocked at
the level of tone-deafness here.
Okay, Pam, j-just so we're
on the same page,
are you saying that
man-to-man prison rape
is, like, the same vibe
- as, like, regular rape?
- Vibe?!
- No
- Vibe?
I Uh, we're saying
We're saying the same thing.
Okay, this is a lot to digest,
so let us have some time with
this and we'll come back to you.
- Is that cool?
- No, there's no time.
Like, I don't need to digest anything.
I didn't come here for feedback,
or even approval.
I came here to tell you this is
exactly what it's going to be.
This is my first single.
This is my art.
You know, when I signed to
you guys, it was very clear:
Creative is my thing,
you guys figure out the rest.
It is what it is, like, that's
the deal we agreed upon.
Okay, Dave, you are signed
to us now. Okay?
We do control what you release,
when you release it
and all that.
But it's clear to us now,
you need our guidance.
You know what,
don't do me any favors, okay?
Because, by the way, this
this is the real fucking jail.
- Dave
- No, I'm not This is crazy.
We will, uh
we'll get back to you.
What the fuck were you doing in there?
What the fuck was I doing in there?
Yeah, well, how the-how the fuck
is Spotify gonna play that
on New Music Friday?
Are you out of your mind?
And by the way, your days
of not letting me
hear the music in advance
are officially over, pal.
I can't believe you let me
go in there blind like that.
- They're never gonna let that go.
- Who cares what they want?!
What are you talking about?
I'm your client.
You should only be worried about me!
I am only worried about you,
whether or not your pea-sized
brain realizes it or not.
You got to get me out of this deal.
I'm not doing this for my whole career.
Get me out of the fucking deal.
- Really? Really, dude?
- Yeah, get me out of the deal.
Okay, so you're not
willing to compromise
for $250,000 and a-a machine
that's gonna help you live out
your dreams?
My dreams? You think my dreams
are running everything
up the flagpole whenever I want
to put a song out? No.
I can't half go for it.
I can't compromise my art.
Your job is to do what I want.
You listen to what I want,
and you make it happen
at all costs.
You don't worry about appeasing
other random people.
I'm not worried about appeasing
random people
Do your fucking job!
Do it! Do your job!
I don't understand, like, this
is the best thing I've ever done
by far; I've put
so much time into it.
And Mike just sits there
nodding his head "yes,"
doing whatever they want,
not even defending my vision,
- like a fucking pussy.
- Hmm.
Okay, would you ever compromise
your art for anybody?
If they were paying me? Yeah.
- Can we get into your logos?
- Okay.
Okay, so per your e-mail,
I got a bunch of shafts,
a bunch of balls.
You know, some young, some old.
You can, like, mix and match them.
- Hmm, wrinkles.
- Yeah.
I knew you would want wrinkles.
I got, like, 12 wrinkled dicks for you.
And then, for myself,
I did some without dicks.
I actually I like this
non-dick one. Let's do that.
So you want, like, 50 different
variations of this
that will then ultimately
have a dick in it?
No. I think that that will work fine.
Let's just do that.
Okay.
Sweet. Done.
Yeah. How's Al?
- She's good.
- Whoa.
You don't have to rush out,
I'm just asking a question.
I'm not rushing out.
What do you mean "she's good"?
Is she going on dates?
That's all I want to know.
Dave, I'm not getting
in the middle of this.
I'm not asking you to get in the middle.
I asked you one simple question.
And honestly,
your lack of a response is very telling,
so you've already told me she is.
I'm not talking to either one
of you about either one of you.
You guys aren't speaking for a reason,
so I'm not gonna be the messenger.
Okay, I got to go. Love you. Bye.
Institutional flaws ♪
How will you all respond? ♪
Did you know all along? ♪
- Ay, caramba. ♪
- Dude
This is, like,
the best thing I've ever fucking heard.
I know, right?!
At first, I thought it was too
problematic, but by the end,
how you tied everything in with
the criminal justice system,
it's just, like, such a chef's
kiss on social commentary.
Thank you! Yes, you understand it.
It's, like, yes.
And the label won't even put it out.
They think it's too offensive.
- You should just fucking leak it.
- Leak it?
- Just put it out?
- What if you premiere it
on The Breakfast Club?
Like, imagine sitting down
and talking with Charlemagne about jail.
Yeah, I mean, I wish I could,
but it's, like, not easy.
Dude, yeah, not easy.
Um, I could text him right now.
Yeah, text him.
- Okay. I'm doing it.
- But, like,
couldn't I get in trouble
with the label?
Like, couldn't they just sue me?
All right, one of two things
are gonna happen.
You're gonna play the song,
everyone loves it,
your label's gonna be excited,
let you do whatever you want.
Full creative control.
Or everyone's gonna think
it's terrible,
the label's gonna drop you.
But it's what you wanted
this whole time,
and you're out of your contract
and free to do
whatever you want.
It's a win-win to me.
Brilliant.
Ah, yeah.
Yes, The Breakfast Club.
Benny got me on.
- I-I see it.
- Totally real.
- Okay. That's awesome.
- Yeah.
Okay, CC me on the e-mail, then
I'll reach out to the label.
I'll let 'em know
that you're gonna be
No. Don't say a word. Like, do not.
Why the fuck not?
Because I'm gonna premiere
"Jail" on The Breakfast Club.
I'm just gonna just put it out there.
It's the best thing
I've ever done, Mike.
Like, I have to put it out.
You-you can't just go
behind the label's back.
Okay, we signed a contract with them.
Okay, I need to start doing what I want.
Not doing what I want
has gotten me in this position.
I didn't want to sign with this label.
You really influenced me on that.
It's not a side project
for everybody, man.
Like, this is my life.
I quit my job.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
- When?
- When the advance came in,
I-I put in my two weeks.
I was waiting until this became
a real thing,
and it did, so I quit.
Why didn't you tell me when it happened?
Because after that fucking
"Jail" meeting,
I-I was trying to get it back.
Oh, that sounds about right.
Can you blame me?
Well, don't try to, like, guilt me into
making decisions for you now.
- That's not, I mean
- That's fine.
I'm just going on the record
right now and telling you
I think it's a very bad idea,
and you're going to piss off
some very important people.
So just-just know that.
Well, I want to go on record
saying that it's a risk
that I'm willing to take.
I can't, like, half-ass it.
I have to go with what I believe in.
Okay.
What are chives?
It's like onion bits.
We've done this, like, a thousand times.
Wow.
- Oh, baby.
- Look at this, huh?
A Lil Dicky studio session,
not using another artist's time.
You're getting paid
by my stupid fucking label.
Everyone wins.
- What's wrong with them?
- Everything.
I need to really lock in
on this album right now.
It's the only thing that is
keeping me alive.
I have to tell you something.
I'm leaving town for a second.
I'm going on tour with Trippie Redd.
He asked me to go on tour with him,
and engineer on the road and
For how long?
Um, six weeks.
- Six weeks? What the fuck, dude?
- I'm
Bro, six weeks isn't even that long.
That's fine. I'll
I'll do everything myself.
Aren't you happy for me,
at least a little bit?
Zero percent happy for you.
I'm happy for you, obviously,
I'm just sad. Just
You have me here now.
Let's get to work.
Chin up, buttercup.
Play me a beat.
♪
Put it on hold for me.
For how long?
Forever.
This airport is a nonsmoking facility
♪
♪
Ay, first things first ♪
When I pop,
I'm-a get your ho thirsty ♪
I sign my paycheck in cursive,
I'm worthy ♪
- Yeah ♪
- Hos. ♪
Hey, I'm going to get something
to drink. You want anything?
No, I'm good, thanks.
- I'm good. Thanks, bro-bro.
- Okay. Heads up,
we're in there in ten minutes,
all right?
Okay.
Hey, Dave.
Are you still doing
that "Jail" song today, bro?
Yeah.
You know how many niggas I know
that would kill
to have a record deal, bro?
You run into a couple obstacles,
you ready to risk it all
just to get some jokes off?
That shit weak, bro.
I'm getting, like, very sick
of people telling me
how to live my life.
It is what it is, bro.
I'm-a rock with you
regardless though, period.
For a place called The Breakfast
Club, you'd think they'd have
more than just a box of Shredded Wheat.
Heavy door.
Hi, guys, I'm Dave.
- Good morning. How you doin'?
- Angela.
- Yes?
- I'm a hugger. Sorry.
- Um, okay.
- Mm.
- All right.
- Good to meet you.
- Charlamagne.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi. Mike.
- Would you like a hug?
No, I'm not a hugger. How are you?
- Good. How you doing?
- I mean, I'm a hugger,
- but I just don't know you, so
- Sure.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I'm Dave, nice to meet you.
Man, I can't wait for you guys to hear
this song that I've got.
- Hey, Jim.
- Hey, Mike.
Did you really think we weren't
gonna find out about this?
You know, you're supposed to keep us
in the loop about this stuff.
I mean, we're partners.
- Okay.
- You're right. Uh, you know, let's
Oh, my gosh, are we in third grade?
Is this microphone mine?
- Whose else would it be?
- Touché.
I think we should trust
Dave's artistic process.
- I do.
- Okay, no, so-so check this out.
And I want to watch what's happening.
I know, and let's watch from right here.
- You're a little new, aren't you?
- I'm brand-new to this.
Wake that ass up.
Early in the morning.
The Breakfast Club.
Morning, everybody, I'm Angela
Yee, that's Charlamagne Tha God.
- Yep.
- We are The Breakfast Club, and we have
a very special guest in the building.
- Lil Dicky is here.
- Hello, everybody.
Yeah, he keeps introducing himself
- a-as Dave, though.
- Yeah.
That's, uh, that's my name.
So, I just feel weird, like,
introducing myself
as anything other than my name.
That's pretty un-rapper-like of you.
I know, right?
Is that something you take pride
in, uh, "being different"?
You know, not-not being, like,
uh, seen as a typical rapper?
Not necessarily.
I-I don't want to even speak
to what other rappers do.
I just, like, if I'm gonna meet
someone, I'm not gonna be like,
"Hi, I'm Lil Dicky," 'cause,
like, I'm not. Like, I'm Dave.
Like, the guy behind Lil Dicky.
You know what I mean?
- Mm.
- So the whole Lil Dicky thing
is just a parody?
No, I don't think it's a parody.
I mean, there's jokes in it
because I'm, like,
a comical human being, I suppose,
but it's more satire than anything.
Do you worry that people
will look at you
as a culture vulture because of that?
I mean, I worry about just about
everything, Charlamagne.
Like, I wake up and I start worrying.
W-Who's your guy over there with
the dreads? That's your shooter?
That's your weed man? That's
your Go on. W-What does he do?
You're being a little
stereotypical, Charlamagne.
That's my friend Gata.
So you just walk around
with a token black guy
to make yourself look cool?
No.
Gata, come over here, my brother.
- I want to holler at you, man.
- Ah, for real?
- Yes, man. Come here.
- Ah, shit. -All right. Here's your mic.
- I can't believe this.
- Wow.
I want to ask
you some questions about, uh,
Lil Dicky, Dave here.
Uh, do you work for Lil Dicky?
Yeah, that's my partner
in crime. I'm his hype man.
We be turning up, geeked up on stage.
Do you actually fuck
with Lil Dicky's music?
Dope, bro. One of the greatest.
- Greatest what?
- Rappers.
I tell him that every fucking
day. Like, "Bro, you dope
"as fuck, bro, keep doing
your shit. Be yourself, bro.
- Don't fold on these niggas."
- No.
You're not gonna convince me
that Lil Dicky is one
of the-the best rappers
out right now, brah.
Hey, man, you're gonna see, Charlamagne.
Stop it.
One day, bro. Might not be
today, but you gonna see.
A-And what made you pick
a black man as your hype man?
- Well, uh
- It's not a complicated question, sir.
I didn't think racially when I
I mean, I picked Gata.
He's been a hype man for other rappers.
Gata knows all my songs
and he's, like, honestly,
a very, like, talented performer.
- He's great at dancing. He's
- Wow.
Of course a white man would think
a black man is a great dancer, Dave.
I mean, he's just, you know, uh
I mean, yeah, he's, like,
he's really he's good at
yeah, uh
- not
- Good at what?
Wait, is that cultural appropriation?
Yeah.
It is.
Uh
Is it? I'm wondering now
if it is or not.
Just right now? Just right now
at this moment, a white rapper
is wondering if what he's doing
is cultural appropriation?
Man, fuck all that.
I been in this nigga's mama house.
They done cooked for me,
I done slept in the guest room.
Seriously, y'all don't know.
Don't even fall for the hoopla.
You've been there for me,
like, when I was down, bro,
on my mama, nigga, like
We supposed to be together,
getting this money
- Wow.
- doing shit
that people ain't
never seen before, bro.
- And that's what you doing, my nigga.
- Here's what I'll say.
If having Gata be
a part of my rap career
is, in fact, cultural appropriation
in a way that was totally over
my head, which is obviously
so possible because I'm that
stupid as a human being,
then I really don't have regrets.
I know that's a bizarre thing
to say, but he's, like
I got, like, one of the best
friends I'll ever have
out of it, so, like, I would
do it again. I love this man.
- That's beautiful.
- #RelationshipGoals.
- I love you, too, my nigga.
- That's it.
Real talk, bro.
You my brother for life, bro.
I love you.
Y'all just need to be a couple.
Where'd y'all meet, Tinder?
Alll right, Gata, cat's out of the bag.
- Give me a smooch.
- Look at this guy.
Always being funny, man.
I can't believe you, brah.
- I think he's serious.
- Aw.
You guys are cute.
I'm out of here.
South Central L.A.,
we did it, Gata made it
to The Breakfast Club.
Shout-out, Angela Yee,
ID, Charlamagne, I'm gone.
- That's right. Good to meet you.
- I'm out.
I have waited so long
for that kiss, you have no idea.
So, Dave, you told our producer
that you have a song
that you want to premiere
right here on The Breakfast Club?
- Huh, Lil Dave? Lil Dicky?
- Yes.
So, yeah, I've got this,
it's my life's work.
It's the best thing I've ever
um
I'm just gonna
Huh?
Well, if I'm being honest with
you, I have had conversations
recently with my team
about whether or not
it's ready for public consumption.
And it's actually not finished
yet now that I think about it.
How about I just rap for you instead?
You knew you was coming
to The Breakfast Club.
- So let me rap.
- Y-You really ready to rap live
in front of eight million
listeners tuned in?
I think it is eight million
potential new fans,
and sometimes you have no choice
and it just is what it is,
so here we go.
Eight million people that's
about to think that you're wack.
Or not.
Elz made the beat ♪
Who the hell is Elz?
Y'all probably didn't know
what this was ♪
Y'all probably about
to hop on this bus ♪
If you know somebody
that'll call my bluff ♪
Then line 'em all up,
they will all need hugs ♪
Condolences, in my own lane
like bowling pins ♪
I'm so dumb I don't even know
where Poland is ♪
Suburban kid, I got it
at the roller rink ♪
My girl just left,
I should not have said that ♪
But I guess I was due
for a setback ♪
I'm still dripping with
the sauce, need a Wet-Nap ♪
My dick sucks so bad ♪
Y'all don't even want
to know the details ♪
You don't want to know about
the surgeries, I kept it ♪
All inside till now,
fuck it, I'll tell everybody ♪
Two holes on my shaft ♪
Hypospadias, look it up ♪
I love when my fans are black,
I'm a little tone-deaf ♪
Yeah, what of it? You know my
heart is in the right place ♪
I've been working like a dog
in this bitch ♪
And that phrase doesn't even
make no sense 'cause dogs ♪
Were probably the least
evolved animals in the world ♪
I'm sweet like a sorbet,
Mike calling me ♪
About to get
another tour date ♪
More cake, give me more hate,
this is horseplay ♪
Hot in a North Face,
you cannot ignore Dave ♪
I know I'm privileged ♪
Eh, let's not even go there ♪
Out here fucking it up, uh ♪
But I'm still fucking it up, wait ♪
Little body, but the boy
sound tough, hold up ♪
But they saying I'm not rap,
Charlamagne, this is hip-hop ♪
Right? Give me the facts,
just keep it real ♪
I'm up and down, like off and on ♪
I was an ad man at Omnicom ♪
I used to eat with the parents
at the Olive Garden ♪
I was wearing nothing
but Ralph Lauren ♪
My mom adorned me,
and I like milking porn ♪
But I guess that's less important ♪
Just a little sidenote about me ♪
Tell Gata no need,
I don't even need weed ♪
I'll smoke this beat like ♪
All of that, all the smoke,
I need all of that ♪
Trust-fall them,
they falling back ♪
I don't know nothing about life ♪
But I write it like a book, wait ♪
How you doing? I'm good, great ♪
And if you see me up
on the street, say, "Hi, ID" ♪
And I'll stop you and say,
"Well, my name is" ♪
What's your name?