Dharma & Greg s01e10 Episode Script

Okay, everybody, there's a lot of lives at stake here so let's go over the plan one more time.
I staywith the vehicle.
I honk twice ifl see the fuzz.
- Check.
Dharma.
- I cut the fence.
You facilitate access to the detainees.
And how do I do that, Larry? You cut the fence.
Check.
Yeah! [ Turkeys Gobbling .]
[ Sighs .]
Okay.
Cut the fence.
- Why don't I just open the gate? - Ifyou wanna do it the easyway, sure.
HappyThanksgiving! You're free! Run foryour lives! Run foryour lives! Hurry up! Shh, shh, shh! Keep it down, boys.
- This way! - This way.
Come on.
- Come on.
- How's it goin'? - Abby, what are you doing here? - I was bored.
Hey, wait.
What about the plan? Hey, it was my idea to free the turkeys in the first place.
Why do I have to wait in the van? - [Man .]
What the hell's goin'on out there? - Oh, great.
What do we do now? - [ Dharma, AbbyTogether.]
Run! - Run! Get out of the way! It is such a rush to liberate our fellow creatures.
Are you feelin' what I'm feelin'? Uh- Uh, guys? Guys? Guys? Our fellow creatures are wandering back into the pen.
Well, that's okay.
Ifjust one ofthem escapes the white man's ax, we've done ourjob.
- [Thud.]
- [TurkeyGobbles .]
Well, at least he had a brieftaste offreedom.
Sure I can't getyou something to drink, Gregory? Oh, no, thanks, Dad.
I'm fine.
Oh, good news, Edward.
Bunny Statton is out of Betty Ford.
- Bully for Bunny.
- Hear! Hear! Hey, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.
My parents and I were just- Hey, everybody.
Hi.
So did you ask them yet? Ask us what? Well, it's kind of a crazy idea, and you probablywon't go for it but, uh, Dharma wants to have Thanksgiving at our house and she wanted me to askyou ifyou wouldn't mind maybe coming over.
Wow.
That's exactly how you ask for morning sex.
So what doyou think? I-I-I-I don't know.
What was the question? - Thanksgiving, our place.
- Oh, oh.
Well, that's very kind ofyou, Dharma dear but, you know, we have standing reservations at the Mark.
You guys go to a restaurant on Thanksgiving? Oh, yes.
It's much, much easier.
I can have my turkey, Edward can have his surf and turf and they make the most wonderful pumpkin bisque.
- Well, I can cook all that.
What's bisque? - Soup.
What's surf and turf? Dharma, dear, why don't you and Gregoryjust join us? No.
Come on.
We'll get the whole family together at our place.
You guys, my folks.
It'll be great.
Yes.
Yes, yes, it-it would be fun.
Um- Butyou couldn't possibly cook for six in that tiny little kitchen ofyours.
- Dharma, she does have a point.
- Well, can I useyour kitchen? Well, I would love that, of course, but, you know I give the servants Thanksgiving off so that they'll work at Christmas.
Well, that's okay.
You and I'll cook.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, come on.
That's funny.
Okay.
I'll cook.
Come on.
Show me around the kitchen.
[ Sighs .]
Verywell.
Kitty, it's this way.
Oh! Rightyou are.
Rightyou are.
Soyour parents gonna have their usual Thanksgiving feast? - Yep.
- Oh, no, let me guess.
Tofu turkeywith celery bones.
You just think they're complete weirdos, don'tyou? I'm sorry.
That wasn't fair.
Thankyou.
As a matter offact, they don't eat at all.
- They don't eat at all.
- They fast.
- They fast.
- They protest, you know the exploitation ofthe Indians the destruction ofthe environment, the Nixon stamp.
The Nixon stamp? Theywanted theyoung, thin Nixon.
So let me get this straight.
While we're stuffing ourfaces, they're just gonna sit there and not eat? - Sometimes they sing about not eating.
- Dharma- Dharma, I'm begging you, please don't put our parents together for an entire day.
- Nothing good can come ofit.
- Hey, that's not true.
The more time they spend together, the better they'll get along.
And then when we have kids, we don't have to choose which grandparents' house to spend the holidays at.
Well, I can't argue with that, so I'll just beg.
Please don't do this! Greg, relax.
It'll be fun.
Besides, you don't have to worry about a thing, 'causeJane and I are gonna take care of the shoppin' and the cookin' Iike a couple of good old-fashioned housewives.
Cool! I love when we do old-fashioned housewives.
Say, this is gonna be the best Thanksgiving ever, Midge.
I agree, Madge.
Shall we pop over to the produce section for fresh vegetables? Well, why, when all the vegetables we could possiblywant have been frozen for our convenience? No more cleaning, no more chopping.
- What will we do with all that extra time? - That's a very good question.
Perhaps we should talk to our family physician about barbiturates.
Gosh! All this modern science really is making our lives better.
Say, Midge, is that thatyoung go-getter, Pete Cavanaugh? Madge, doesn't he work at the office with your husband? Oh, yes, he does.
[ Gasps .]
And you had sex with him at ourwedding.
You're right.
I thought he looked familiar.
Yoo-hoo! Pete Cavanaugh! Okay, I give up.
Oh, well, we're saving money by shopping in the '50s.
Oh.
Say has something gotyou down? You're hanging a puss.
Frozen turkey dinner, envelope of gravy.
Gee whillikers! Could this be a Thanksgiving for one? No.
My cat might join me.
Oh, well, one or two, that just won't do.
You're having Thanksgiving with us.
But only ifyou get in our cart and be the baby.
All right.
Whee! Oh! Man, the first guy to eat one ofthese must have been really hungry.
Oh, dude, check it out.
His mom packed him a lunch.
- Hello, hello.
How's everything going? - Oh, Kitty.
I'm glad you're here.
Where's the potato masher? I told you, I gave her the day off.
So, when doyou girls anticipate serving dinner? - One moment.
Let me consult with my assistant.
- Okay.
[ Whispering .]
- We don't know.
- Oh, good Lord.
Well, don't just criticize.
Why don'tyou help us out? What can I do? - She does have a point.
- Never mind.
All right, chop, chop.
Back to work.
We need a pan for the turkey, and we need a pot for Edward's lobster.
- Where's the lobster? - I don't know.
Well, where did you put him? Right over here by the tur-key.
Hey, buddy.
- I gotta tell ya, Greg, this is great- - [ Music On TV.]
bein' at a warm family gathering like this.
Pete, I'm at my parents' house.
Where areyou? Shh! I can't hear WillardScott.
[Phone Ringing.]
Hola.
Casa Montgomery.
.
Uno momento, porfiavor.
Señora Montgomery.
! - What are you doing? - Shh.
I can't answer my own phone.
That's how rumors start.
Yes, Mrs.
Montgomery here.
No, no, no, we definitelywant to hold that reservation.
Mm-hmm.
Thankyou.
Bye-bye.
- What reservation? - OurThanksgiving table at the Mark.
- You didn't cancel it? - Oh, Gregory, darling.
Everyyoung bride thinks that she wants to cook a Thanksgiving dinner and it always ends up the same.
Someone cries, someone is rushed offto the emergency room and a perfectly lovely bird gets wasted which, if I don't eat soon, will be me.
I'm sure everything's fine.
- [ Scoffs .]
- I'll go check.
Ah! There's Bullwinkle.
Get out ofthere! Ollie, ollie, lobster free! - Come on! - What areyou doing? - Nothing.
- You haven't even put the turkey in the oven? Well, now, I can't do that till I get the lobster out ofhim, now can I? The lobster is inside the turkey.
Well, I'll just go out there and tell everybody something else.
Thanks, hon.
All right.
You know what? Ha! Got him.
[ Gasping .]
Oh, God, he's got me! Pull him off!.
Pull him off!.
[ Both Yelling .]
I was gonna go to a singles Thanksgiving dinner but I thought, whowants to sit around and listen to a bunch ofpathetic losers go on and on about their boring little lives? No one.
Exactly.
Hey, you wanna see a picture of my new cat, Tiger? Get this.
He likes to watch hockey.
Okay, it's gonna be a little later than we thought.
Oh! How late? Well, the turkey's not quite cooked.
- Oh! - [ Gobbling .]
- Oh, my God! -Judas priest, it's not even dead.
Hi,y'all.
He's with us.
Go on, Ruby.
Ruby- Look at hergo.
You'd never know she was ass-ended by ourV.
W.
van.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
It's 9:00! Ooh! That reminds me.
Gotta give the turkey its antibiotics every three hours.
You know, you only have to give it a bullet once.
Now, Dad, Mr.
Finkelstein's just showing some compassion for a wounded animal.
Oh, please.
It's not an animal.
It's groceries.
And the leastyou can do is put the filthy little thing outside.
- You know, it's not too filthy to eat now, is it? - I'll eat it.
Oh, you'll eat anything.
I want it out ofhere! - It happens to be a member ofthe family.
- Guys! Guys! Hey, Pete, why don'tyou tell everybodyyour Internet name.
Tiger's Dad.
Save a bullet for me, Edward.
Man, this is weird.
I usually love the smell of onions, but this is making me nauseous.
Oh, onions did the same thing to me when I was pregnantwith you.
- What? I'm not pregnant.
- Sure explains whyyou've been acting soweird lately.
- I'm not acting weird.
- Come on.
This isn't weird? [Abby.]
Dharma, the big dinner andgathering ofifiamilytogether.
You're nesting.
I'm not pregnant.
I couldn't be pregnant.
Wait.
Oh, my God.
I could be pregnant.
No, I couldn't be pregnant.
Oh, God.
Is it hot in here? I am thinking ofa word that begins with the letter "B.
" What is this, some sort ofa game? No.
I just thought you'd like to know.
I'm thinking ofa word beginning with the letter "A.
" - Hey, Larry? - Nothing.
Can I borrow the keys to the van? I gotta run a little errand for Dharma.
- What does she need? - Can't tell you.
- Oh, come on.
- Pregnancy test.
Why? Well? Oh! You gotta promise not to tell anybody, especially Greg.
- I understand.
- Thankyou.
You may need a push start.
Abby's good at it.
Come on, useless.
I got a job foryou.
No, I mean him.
- Larry.
? - Fine.
Jane went somewhere in yourvan.
She went to get something to eat, didn't she? - No.
No, she didn't.
- Then where did she go? Um, I don't have to tell you.
You're not the boss of me.
Larry, I am drunk and I am starving and I am not above swinging you about this room by that ratty little ponytail.
Dharma's pregnant.
Don't tell Greg.
I don't know, Abby.
We've only been married a couple months.
What ifGreg flips out? I mean, first he had to move into my apartment.
And then he had to get used to my dogs.
Now we're gonna have to move out of my apartment.
We're gonna have to get a minivan.
- Oh, my God.
What ifhe hates minivans? - Dharma, hold on, honey.
What aboutyou? How doyou feel? - Me? Me, me, me, me, me.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- I think I'm psyched.
- Really? Oh, good, 'cause I'm psyched too, and I didn't wanna be psyched alone.
Abby, Abby, you're eating! Oh, the hell with the fast.
I'm gonna be a grandmother! Oh, the hell with it.
I'm gonna be a grandmother.
Whew.
Dharma pregnant.
Yeah.
I mean, we used to pretend to be pregnant but that was just to ride roller coasters and freak people out.
Doesn't it makeyou question the emptiness ofyour life? They had the guts to commit to a relationship and now they're startin' a family.
Man, what am I doin'? Yeah.
I know whatyou mean.
- Hey,Jane? - Yeah, Pete? What doyou sayyou and me, we give it a shot? I mean, a real shot.
You know, I would, but I won a trip to Club Med for Christmas and I reallywanna stay single for that.
I'm not sayin' we couldn't see other people.
All right.
What's going on? - What doyou mean? - Our parents are getting along great out there.
I actually saw my mother kissing your mother.
Aw, isn't that nice? Doyou like minivans? I don't know.
Why? You wanna get a minivan? I asked you first.
Doyou want one? I haven't really thought about it.
What if one just showed up on our driveway? I'd probably think it belonged to somebody else.
How can you say that? Here, take this to the table.
- Can I bring you back some wine? - No, I'm fine.
- It's reallygood.
- No, I can't drinkwine.
I'm cooking.
But thankyou.
My grandchild is not going to be born in a birthing pool.
Why not? It's much less traumatic forthe baby.
It doesn't even know it's out ofthe womb.
Well, it's got to come to grips with it eventually.
Ifit were up toyou, you'd justyank the boy out and send him offto military school.
- What makes you think it's gonna be a boy? - Oh, it's going to be a boy.
Well, I don't thinkwe know that- Oh, there we go.
And, uh, that's how you make steel.
- How interesting.
- Far out, Ed.
- Um, how is Dharma? - She's fine.
- Is she tired? - I don't think so.
- Well, why don't you go out and give her a hand, Son? - I'm doing that.
- Hey, Greg? - Huh? Way to go.
Thanks.
Wait till you see me carry the hot stuff.
What's wrong with military school? Look, I don't want my grandson to grow up to be a robot.
What's wrong with being a robot? You know what would be really cool? Ifthe babywere the reincarnation of MotherTeresa.
Oh, please, don't be absurd.
The Montgomerys neverwork directly with the poor.
We're the fund-raisers.
- We are.
- I didn't mean that it would be Mother- Ah, ah! And that's howyou make bail.
- How interesting.
- All right, everybody, dig in.
- Oh, good, good.
- Oh, this looks wonderful.
Hey, hey, hey.
What happened to the fast? Oh, that was weeks ago, Larry.
Really? Great.
Here's the stuff.
- What stuff? - Oh, just girl stuff.
Or boy stuff.
I'll be right back.
Oh, my God.
Minivan.
Perhaps we should call Dr.
Calahan.
We have an absolutely excellent ob-gyn.
Hey, you don't have to spell in front of me.
- [Knocking.]
- [ Greg.]
Dharma? Can I come in? - Uh-huh.
- Hi.
Hi.
Are we getting a minivan? I don't know yet.
I'm waiting for the dealer to call me back.
Doyou want a minivan? Well we've only been married a couple of months and it's a lot sooner than I thought.
But, yeah.
Yeah.
I absolutelywant a minivan especially ifshe has your eyes.
What's it say? - What are they saying? - He said, what did it say? - Well, what did she say? - Come on! Come on! - [ Voices Overlapping .]
- I can't tell what anybody says ifyou people won't shut up! It says, um, nope.
- You okay? - Yeah.
It's probably for the best.
We're ready, but- [ Voices Overlapping .]
they're not.
- Delicious salad,Jane.
- What happened to my lobster? Well, we set it free him your koi pond.
-Jane, what areyou doing? - Feeding the turkey.
- Feeding the turkeywhat? - Turkey.
- Ew! - [ All Groaning .]
[ Voices Overlapping .]
It's 4 to 6 fioot!