Dirt (2006) s01e10 Episode Script

Hi, I'm Don Konkey, Dirt Now's resident schizophrenic photographer and voiceover extraordinaire.
Last week was a bitch Get back! Get back! especially for Lucy's assistant, Kenny.
Barrow and Willa seem to be getting along nicely.
Meet me in the supply closet in 20 minutes.
really, really, really, really, really nicely.
I've got 13 minutes.
Julia came home from rehab, but her mind seemed elsewhere.
Holt was happy to see her, but his mind seemed elsewhere, too.
- I need to be with you.
- You mean inside of me? - Yeah.
- Julia's had it rough lately.
The sex tape of her and Johnny Gage is out there, and she doesn't know who has it.
Who are you trying to protect, Holt? That's Julia with her lesbian smack dealer, Garbo.
Since she left rehab, she doesn't do either anymore.
Well, at least they caught Lucy's stalker, right? Right? I love you, Holt.
I love you.
Holt? What? What's wrong, baby? Babe, what happened? You haven't made love to me like that in months.
I'm just, I'm wiped out, all right? But you were so passionate.
I was about to come.
Here All right, fine.
I'll make myself come.
Move it! - What is it that you want? - I want respect! And I want it now! Do you have any idea what it's like to lose the compass in your life? We shouldn't have to work that hard for love.
The focus is me! I'm here.
Goddamn it! I'm still here! Hello.
Does it bother you that every time I look at you, I think of anthrax? You should feel honored.
After 9/11, you were one of the few non-politicians to get the gift of class-five chemicals.
I'd rather have the fruit basket.
How are you? I'm fine.
- What? - You're so full of shit.
Well, I've never been much of a navel-gazer.
You watched your assistant take a bullet to the head.
Your entire staff and your business were terrorized.
How did Sammy Winter get my personal number? - How did he get into my car? - I'm still looking into it.
You know better than just about anybody how easy it is to get into someone's life and steal their soul.
What we do has nothing to do with stalking or terrorizing people.
He's not a weirdo.
Give him a call.
It's not just you.
Your entire staff, haven't you noticed they're pretty wrecked? Mmm.
Yes! Mmm, I was having such a lousy night until I met you guys.
You're sweet.
I love your hair.
Oh, you do? Thank you.
Yours is really pretty, too.
My natural color is the color of shit in a mud puddle.
"Roses have thorns and silver fountains mud.
" "Clouds and eclipses stain both moon and sun, and loathsome canker lives in sweetest bud.
" Hot.
The 35th Sonnet.
It's the best one.
You guys know poetry? That's so awesome.
All I know is, "Here I sit, brokenhearted " - You wanna know what's really awesome? - What? That tattoo on the small of your back.
It keeps going.
Wanna see? Mmm Shall we move this to a more private venue? Why do I get the feeling you've done this before? - I like walking with you.
- Me too.
With you.
Mm-hm.
Oh, I can't.
See? That wasn't so bad.
You have really soft hands.
- What a dickhead.
- What? - Pussy boy.
- I knew it.
Knew what? Aw, is little Donny scared? Little Donny Littledick? Please, I don't like you! I like her! Don, what's going on? I don't understand.
- Don't make fun of her.
Please! - That's right, pussy, beg.
Don! It's OK! Don! Every single time! Every single time I have something! A little bit of something for me, huh? - OK, what do you got? - Celeb tragedies? OK - Plastic surgery disasters? - No.
I think we can get an at-home sit-down with Julia Roberts, something classy.
People are cutting the magazine a lot of slack since the thing.
I'm sorry, I think I just dozed off for a second.
Guys, OK.
OK, come on, guys.
We have to have some fun.
Ready? OK, we bag it and make it look like you have to see the inside.
It's our first annual.
It has to be great.
It has to be startling.
It has to be fun.
Come on.
Sex.
Celebrity.
Scandal.
Bring it! - "Sex and the stars.
" - Oh, God, generic! No! "Battle of the bulge," who's packing among leading men.
Wow, and while you're at it, see who's faking it.
- "Celebrity cameltoe.
" - Love it.
"Celeb mooseknuckle.
" Is that the male version for cameltoe? - AKA "Man-gina.
" - AKA "Mameltoe.
" - Oh! Gross! OK, Kitty Ryder.
- We don't do porn stars.
She dated most of the Lakers, all of Mötley Crüe.
She's got her own clothing line, makeup and sex toys.
- She's worth millions.
- Get it.
- Hollywood hookers.
- High-class.
- Sex-toy parties! - Yes! - Celeb key parties.
- Yes! - Great movie orgasms.
- Goddamn it, yes! It's not bad.
You know, I like how you guys have to break into Los Alamos and steal the plutonium.
- Yeah, it's cool, right? - Hmm.
And the girl's part's not bad.
Is it cast? Well, they want me to read some people.
Yo, do you mind? Come on, man.
Well, I should play it.
I mean, I could play a "forensic futurist.
" Quinn would probably shit.
He'd never want me to play fourth banana on an action flick, but - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, for sure.
I could get my production company going while we work, and we'd be working together.
Yeah.
I mean, they're, you know, they're talking to some people.
- Who? - I don't know, like, like Amanda Peet.
- Christ.
- OK, look, I'll talk to Teddy and we'll see if it's worth pursuing, you know? Yeah.
Thanks a lot, Mr.
Hollywood.
Look, I know you're what, rattled? But, honey, you can't publish our magazine with a triple "X" on it.
- Our Wal-Mart rep actually cried.
- Aw.
They won't stock the issue.
That's 30 percent right off the top.
We'll make it up at the newsstand.
Look, I know what you're doing.
The sex issue, it's a great idea.
I'm just saying lose the triple "X.
" Oh, Brent Barrow, eroding your freedom of speech one "X" at a time.
- Spiller - There's someone in your office.
Hi.
- How can I help you? - Nancy said that I am so disappointed.
I was expecting to see monsters, some kind of, you know, demon with fangs and claws.
Can you please just tell me why you're But I walk in here and I see two regular people I'd expect to meet in any regular setting, not the devil.
Not the We're certainly not the At least not to look at.
- I guess that makes it easier.
- I don't like where this is going.
You should have thought of that before you took advantage of my daughter, my virginal, 17-year-old daughter.
- Seventeen? - Oh, Daddy Maybe I should get someone from Legal in here.
No, that's not necessary right now.
I just wanted to look you two right in the eyes.
And that's it? Well, you tell me.
Is her virginity restored? Is her innocence intact? Has she been un-raped? Whoa, wait a minute! Excuse me, she practically raped us! - Willa - Thank you.
As I was saying, as the father of a major international superstar, I have been in legal quandaries before pertaining to Rebecca.
- Rebecca? - Banheart.
Banheart.
- You're Jimmy Ray Banheart.
- That's right.
Rebecca Banheart is a major brand with the pop career, with the reality show, with the specials and the clothing, and I have the same plans for Dawni.
Or at least I did.
Why would they vanish because Because you and your friend used her, and you threw her away.
You think that's funny? Look at her! After this thing hits, she will never be perceived as anything other than a little slut.
- Daddy! - I'm sorry, but that's the facts.
How can we rectify this? When you're on the street begging instead of in the publisher's office.
If this never reached the legal system, you and I could come to some kind of understanding.
An understanding? What are you trying to do? Are you trying to bribe me from putting your ass in prison? You trying to buy me? Do you have any idea how much money I make managing Rebecca Banheart? It's not about money.
This is about justice.
I didn't mean to suggest I just, you know, I thought what we do here might help Dawni.
Oh, you're gonna give her a cover, and it's all good? - Hey.
- Lucy.
- What's wrong? - Oh Uh Sh She wants to - Tell me.
- to touch me.
What? She wants to touch me.
She wants to, um - I don't know if I can.
- Who, Don? Abby.
All right.
Hmm Do you remember Lynette? Your stepmother? I've met her.
She was closer to my age than my dad's.
- Oh, Don - She was an actress.
She was in Boom Boom, All the Tigers, Full Catastrophe.
I think I made her feel younger.
I was 14.
She called me Little Lover.
Sometimes I liked it.
Don, you know none of that is your fault, right? No.
No, Lucy, I don't.
No, Quinn, no.
I don't think you understand the reality of the situation.
If Teddy Jick doesn't want to hire the star of a number-one sitcom, I Well, what if Holt threatened to walk? Oh, my God, you have your head so far up his ass No, no.
I'm sorry.
I know, please No, I am not gonna be the new host of Deal or No Deal.
Nothing.
You know what, I have to go.
You know what? Let's just book it.
OK.
Nothing.
My favorite co-star.
Hi, Johnny.
Hey, Jeff.
Hey, Jules.
What up? Nothing, I They're just trying to talk me into being the female lead in Hard Charger, but I don't know.
I thought that was Amanda Peet.
What? That is just a funny freaking name.
"Amanda Peet.
" - Amanda Peeeeet! - You guys are high.
- It helps the work.
- You working? Yeah.
We're writing a production draft of our movie.
You're doing a Jeff Stagliano film? You gotta keep 'em guessing.
This thing's gonna make The Brown Bunny look like Barney.
We're talking full-frontal, hardcore-penetration, non-linear, radical-polemic time.
- Boom.
- Themes of death and loss and grief.
Tons of pussy.
Well, that sounds great.
Gonna be awesome.
We've never worked together, Jeff.
No, that's true.
You've been "Julia Mallory, America's sweetheart.
" Yeah, well, I'm not really that anymore, am I? - So, what's the girl's part like? - Oh, my God! That would be Holy shit.
But dude Right.
She's gotta be super young, for the shock value.
And then she can't be a star.
You can't see it coming when the thing happens.
Yeah, well, anyway, good luck with that.
Hey, I'm gonna try to find an actress to take our order.
Bye.
You look hot, Jules.
You raped me, you piece of shit.
- I what? - You raped me.
Is it rape when you beg me to do you harder? So, wait, you two have been dating, - screwing for some time now? - Yes.
And you took home a 17-year-old girl and had sex with her.
- Well, yes, but she didn't look - Willa.
And she just happens to be Rebecca Banheart's little sister, meaning her father is that nut job, Jimmy Ray Banheart.
- What does he want? - He wants me in jail.
Mm-hmm? - But he'll settle for three covers.
- Three?! Jesus.
I've always been mystified by the whole Rebecca Banheart phenomenon.
What was the hook, how stupid she is? Stupid is the new black.
I think it was the tomato that clinched it.
Well, somebody offered her a beefsteak tomato, and she declined on account of being a vegetarian.
And you were captivated by her underage sister.
Wow.
There are just so many levels here.
I know you love the torture, but really, our sex lives are of no business - Brent.
- Yeah? - Shut up.
- Yeah.
I have nothing on him in the vault.
We have to go out, we have to get every piece of imaginable dirt on Jimmy Ray Banheart.
Cover the little songbirds while you're at it.
I don't care how seemingly banal it is.
Just get it.
- Get medical, dental, whatever.
- OK.
I'm on my way.
If this goes public, it could do some real damage to this magazine.
This is your problem, both of you.
You need to fix it.
- Oh, and Brent? - Yeah.
We are so doing the sex Issue.
Polybag.
Triple "X.
" Now jog in place.
Are you sure you're listening to my heart? Oh! That's cold and hard! Now open wide and say "ah.
" Ahh Cut! Great.
Take five and back for the oral.
Mr.
Hagopian? No, I'm Johnson Long.
Your real name's Tim Hagopian, born Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, 1974.
Could you not announce my citizenship status? - Sorry.
- What's up? Where's Kitty Ryder? She was supposed to be starring opposite you.
I don't know.
Before this, she never missed a day.
- Any idea where she is? - Why? My boss wants to do a story about her.
Ahem.
Nah.
Good luck finding her.
There's 50 PAs driving all over looking for her right now.
Lucy wants the story.
Oh, I'm sorry, man.
I gotta chub up for the oral.
- OK.
- All right.
I hurt my back, and when I woke up, it was like the world was over me.
I'm not over you.
Oh, God.
I'm so not over you.
Every time the goddamn doorbell rings, I think it might be you.
I'm sorry.
I just disappeared.
Nah.
You got clean.
That's huge.
I hate it.
I can't handle real.
I think you can.
Make love to me straight.
Don't get high.
But don't go.
- Make love with me.
- I need it.
- And then us.
- Look.
This doesn't happen to me.
But I love you.
I'm in love with you, Julia.
- Fix me.
- No.
Please, please fix me.
Please.
I need the soft.
Then I'll make you come so good.
It's not OK, you're not hearing me.
I am hearing you.
I'm just choosing to ignore that part because I only love you when I'm high.
I don't love you.
I love Holt.
Fix me.
- You're a goddamn user.
- Please! You use me, use my dope, then go back and use your boyfriend.
You are gonna die using.
The people, the dope.
Just sell me a goddamn bag of tar.
It's on me.
Get out.
Hey, Curtis.
Willa.
- Hey, Will.
- I need a favor.
I can't.
I'm stepping into a meeting.
No, you're not.
Look across the street.
Busted.
You know, this whole tabloid stalkerazzi thing is getting a little creepy.
- I actually do have drinks.
- Just give me two minutes.
What's up? One of our artists banging a tranny? Probably, but that's not why I'm here.
I need anything on the Banhearts, especially the father.
He was a faith healer in Alabama or something.
One day God spoke to him and said Rebecca's double Ds were meant to be bouncing around in bad music videos.
That was it.
He started managing them both, and in a year Rebecca was on magazines, Stick It to Ya was on the charts.
The reality show was in the works.
- What about the mother? - They got divorced years ago.
I think she still gets a piece of the royalties or something.
I sure hope I can score today.
Oh, you'll score.
It's a sure thing.
Oh, yeah Oh, yeah Kenny? Don? Don, is that you? It's me, Kenny.
Can you, can you hear me? Don, where am I? I don't like it.
- Please help me.
- I'm sorry, Kenny.
Don, it's so lonely here.
- Come back, lover.
- Lynette? Please, Don, I don't feel safe.
Don? Donny? Is that you? Little Lover? Come here, Donny.
I've missed you so much.
Miss me? Don? I brought cookies from work.
Finikia, the little Greek ones.
Abby, I'm really glad it's you.
I'm glad you're glad.
- Can I come in? - Yeah.
OK.
- What are you doing? - Watching porn.
- It's for work.
- Oh, really? Kitty Ryder.
She's the queen of porn.
Decided to quit.
I have to take her picture.
- Why are you watching all her movies? - I think she's beautiful.
Oh, me too.
- Can I watch with you? - Sure.
Can I have a cookie? I'm a decent astrologer.
I'd like to do your chart.
When's your birthday? - Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow? - Mmm.
- Do you have plans? I was gonna get a cake and let little Tristan lick some of the frosting off.
- Do you like cake? - I like cake.
I like it with whipped-cream frosting on.
I like it with berries on.
One time, Lucy got a cake from Sweet Lady Jane.
I wanted to stick my face into it.
I wanted the whole thing to myself.
Let me bring the cake, Don.
OK.
It's the door.
Don, I need to talk to you.
- Oh, God.
- Hello, Lucy.
Hello, Abby.
I guess you're still real.
I am, thank you.
And you? I need to talk to Don for a minute.
I'll be in the kitchen.
Don, have you been following me? Have you been taking my picture? - No, was I supposed to? - No.
Did you take this picture? No, Lucy, I would never take this picture.
I mean, the composition is bad, the light's terrible, and it's pixilated, which means it's digital, and I don't like digital.
It looks like it's been taken by a security camera, a cheap one.
Probably a nanny cam or something from The Spy Store.
- I'm sorry.
- Why? - Do you understand what this is? - Yeah.
Do you like him? Somebody's taking your picture, and you didn't know they were taking it.
Yes.
Someone is trying to do something to scare me.
They're doing what we do.
Holt, look at me.
I'm sorry it didn't work out with Hard Charger.
I don't give a shit about Hard Charger.
I just went to Garbo's, and I scored some dope.
Oh, for Christ's sake, Julia! - Look, there it is.
- What are you doing? That's the purest shit she's ever given me.
Enough to put me in a coma.
What, so you're seeing her again? No, no.
I'm not seeing her.
And I haven't touched the dope.
I'm seeing you.
I'm seeing the man I love in front of me disappearing into his stardom, just the way I did.
Maybe you have to.
Doesn't matter, it's not about that.
It's about whether the two of us are gonna make it.
Separately, together - Julia - No, no, listen.
In my program, they talk about doing a searching and fearless moral inventory.
And, oh, my God, I've been blowing it off because do I not wanna look at all the ways that I have wronged people, and I've sold my own self short.
Everywhere I look, I see someone I've hurt or someone who's hurt me, and I know I've hurt you.
I know I have.
And I know you were honest with me about the accident and I just want to be honest with you and see if there is some ground zero in this relationship.
I slept with Johnny Gage and you saw it.
And my God, Holt, I can't I can't tell you how sick I've been about it, how afraid I've been that you'd leave if I brought it up or if it got out, what that would do to us.
I kept thinking if I just get high enough, maybe it would go away.
And it doesn't matter right now.
I was roofied or drugged with something.
But for all I know, I was just drunk and high, and I slept with him because we were working together, and isn't that just what we do? We pretend until it crosses over and suddenly we've wrecked our whole lives.
And we walk around playing make-believe, never really thinking about what's gonna happen when we go off book.
I'm sorry, Holt.
I am just so sorry.
Listen to me.
- I'm gonna get the sex tape back.
- OK.
And then we're gonna start from scratch.
All right? Brand-new.
Right there.
Madam Editor.
The only thing more annoying than you being your authentic self, - is you kissing my ass.
- What a kind thought.
I'm worried that you're gonna turn this Jimmy Ray Banheart character down flat.
You really think that we should tank the magazine and agree to do three covers on an underage slut who can't sing? If her father can take us down, yes.
Yeah.
You mean if the father can take you down.
If you didn't think this could damage the magazine, - you wouldn't deal with him.
- I'm not out of moves.
And so what, if he goes public, we'll just, you know, dump it on you and fire your ass.
Are you really going to force me to be the one to remind you that a few weeks ago I put myself between you and an armed gunman? I will make you a promise.
This will be the last time that your dick takes up this much of my time.
Don, are you ready? Hold on.
Just a second.
Here you go, buddy.
- OK! - Now close your eyes.
OK.
Surprise! Wow, you really did bring cake.
I know the baker.
I thought the way you described your love of cake I thought maybe Oh Oh Oh I don't know.
He seems creepy to me, but he's got no record.
He's got no DUls, no big tax investigations, never went all the way with his high-school sweetheart, and he's a good manager.
He got Rebecca signed and got her magazine covers before she even had a publicist.
- Hollywood Digest.
- Yeah.
Three covers.
- Oh, God.
- Holy shit.
- He pimped Rebecca out too.
- Wow.
- Under which editor? - Ray Patterson.
Ray Patterson.
Want to ask my forgiveness for the way you treated me? I thought I treated you well.
You climbed over my smoldering corpse to get a promotion.
Aw.
Don't be a baby.
You told me you had feelings for me.
I didn't say which feelings.
So three covers on Rebecca Banheart without even an album to tie them to.
You know how it is, Lucy.
Sometimes you invent a cover girl.
- Your prom-girl murder.
- The blackmail-the-horny-editor- after-he-bangs-your- underage-daughter trick.
I think we're done, here, Lucy.
As if we weren't already.
- I have enough to run the story.
- Run it.
I'll deny it, they'll deny it.
It's a double amputee.
No legs.
I know you don't trust me.
I don't blame you.
Look, I'd walk over you again if I had the choice.
But they're doing the same thing to us.
I'm not asking you to confirm.
I just want you to look at me.
Just tell me I'm wrong.
- I owe you one.
- Yeah, right.
Hello? Oh, yes, yes, thank you.
Yeah, I really appreciate it.
You can fax it.
Thank you.
Kitty Ryder.
Did you get what you need? Yup.
Um, excuse me, Kitty? My real name's Megan.
I was wondering who it would be.
My name is Willa McPhearson.
I'm writing a story for a magazine.
Do you mind if I talk to you for a sec? Of course.
OK.
Can my friend take some photos? Sure.
Can I ask you why you're leaving? I mean, is it the objectification or the humiliation? Oh, gosh, you're all in knots, aren't you? Yes.
I am.
I didn't leave because it was so bad.
I left because it was so good.
Too good, too much.
That's all that was wrong with it.
How can you let go of desire when every desire you've ever had is being met on an hourly basis? I was attached to the sex and the money.
So I was attached to the grief I felt at the end of the day when it wasn't enough.
If you want nothing, you fear nothing.
You need nothing.
- Jimmy Ray.
Deena.
- Dawni.
Oh, right.
But soon you're hoping the whole world will know your name, after the big covers and all.
Isn't that right? Oh, I was thinking more about the name Lucy Spiller being synonymous with statutory rape.
Oh, I don't love being blackmailed by some snake-oil salesman who pimps out both his underage girls to jump-start their careers.
Rebecca's got nothing to do with this.
Really? Because I think it would make a great cover.
Yeah.
"Sleazy father blackmails to launch talentless star to power.
$100-million industry built on shameless lie.
" The numbers would be so big.
You wanna play? - Mmm.
- Cool.
We'll play.
Let's see what this little story does to Dirt Now.
Oh, and CNN, they're gonna love Brent's perp walk through the lobby.
I can play chicken too.
Uh, sweetie? You forgot your birth certificate.
What? Mommy faxed it over.
I think she might have been under the impression I needed it to send her a royalty check.
- My bad.
- Um, do you mind if I take a look? Bitch is 19.
Yeah.
You're still a pervert.
You're just not a rapist.
And I'm still tempted to do that other cover.
But you won't? As long as I have first look at anything Rebecca Banheart does.
And I mean anything.
- You see that? - Oh - She digs me.
- Don't even.
Who let you in? I'm a big movie star, remember? That's right.
I want the sex tape back.
Close the door.
Go wait in the vault.
I'll be done in just a minute.
Here's the original tape and the one copy.
That's it? It's that easy, huh? Mm-hmm.
It's that easy.
Is this really the tape? Do you want me to prove it to you? Oh, God Paid in full.