Dog with a Blog (2012) s01e10 Episode Script

Everyone always wants to be "responsible.
" But what is "re" "sponsible"? Are you being "sponsible" for a second time? Ooh, I wish I had thought of that in my old stand-up days.
What is the deal with dog biscuits? They're not made out of dogs, and they're not biscuits.
They are biscuits! And they're for dogs! Oh.
Then I guess my next 20 minutes aren't going to make any sense.
But when people get responsibility, they don't always follow through.
You're supposed to wipe your hair out of the shower drain! Do you know how gross that is? It's like a second little head down there.
I said I'd do it for a dollar.
Why won't you do anything unless someone pays you for it? I'll answer that question for 50 cents.
Come on, Avery.
I'm saving up for a bmx bike.
Then why'd you blow all your money on a fifth hair dryer? Why'd you blow all your money on oil paint and brushes? I'm making art! What do you call this? Ahh.
Hearing the two of you fight almost makes me glad mother's years of body building kept her too busy to have a second child.
Karl, go away.
He's so weird.
Always spying on us.
What do you mean "always spying"? Karl, what are you doing here? Just wondering if you had an extra seat in your car for your family's trip to the waterpark next weekend.
How'd you know we were going to the waterpark? Sometimes your mother and I have tea.
It's not weird.
We're not taking you to the waterpark, okay? Go with your own family.
I did once.
Picture my mother.
Her massive shot putter's frame trapped inside the flume.
The pressure of thousands of gallons of water building behind her to finally voom! She shoots through like a rocket.
Now imagine the poor child at the bottom of the slide waiting to take a picture.
Slow down mother.
Slow down.
Forget it, Karl.
Would that I could.
This is the picture.
Why would you have that as your wallpaper? Why is my flyer for the classical concert in the park in the trash? Because the shredder was broken.
Are we done here? They're honoring Norwegian composer edvard grieg.
It's called "grieg in the grass.
" We have to go.
I'm so sorry.
I'm busy on Today.
We can't miss this! It's a opportunity to expose the kids to some real culture.
Honey, didn't we learn our lesson at "bach on the dock"? Don't worry, honey.
There's no dock this time.
And you can't fall off the grass.
Even if do say yes, what makes you think you can convince the kids? Please.
I can make this sound like the most exciting thing in the world.
Who wants to bask in the sweet sounds of "funeral March and memory of nicard nordreg"? So what if the shredder's broken? Couldn't you have just eaten it? Hey, why don't you two go to the concert yourselves? You're always complaining about how you don't have enough "husband and wife" time, whatever that means.
Well, I think it means I know what it means, I just don't want to think about it.
Hey, he makes a point.
Why don't we show the kids what a healthy relationship is? Honey, will you go on a date with me? Fine, if I have to.
Just like when I proposed.
Hey! You pack a picnic.
I'll go get my grieg sheet music so we can follow along! Great idea! I know where you live.
How could you guys pass up going to the park? It's Norwegian classical music.
Exactly! It's old people eating on the ground.
Do you know how easy it is to wrestle a wheel of cheese from an 82-year-old woman? Unfortunately, I do.
I'm telling you, this is my cheese! Your blanket's over there! We'll only be gone a couple hours.
A couple hours? Aren't they just playing his hits? Avery, you're in charge.
What? I want to be in charge.
This isn't funny.
What did I miss? Tyler wants to be in charge.
Classic! Why is that so funny? I'm older.
I can react, on a dime, to any problem with a variety of solutions.
I'm older.
You know what? Tyler, you are the oldest.
You're in charge.
Just keep an eye on Chloe.
Yes! I have faith that you can handle this.
Avery, keep an e-y-e on him.
That's fine with me.
As long as I'm the one who's getting paid to babysit.
You know, I'm saving up for a new bmx bike.
Then why'd you blow all your money on that crazy cardboard cut-out? Look what I got! Chloe is not to go outside unsupervised, and no eating candy.
What? Chloe, where were you? Outside eating candy.
We've been over this, sweetheart.
It's not good for you to eat so much sugar.
Don't you want to grow up to big and strong like Karl's mom? Yes.
Come on, honey.
We're going to be late for the concert.
Isn't there someplace else we can go? Like Mexico! They have music.
Whoa! You heard mom and dad.
No eating candy.
Well, hold on a second, Avery.
I'm in charge.
Yeah! Chloe, no more candy.
Aw! I thought we were cool.
Hand it over.
Is that all? And? Thank you.
This stinks.
Well, it's not as bad as that stupid classical music concert in the park.
Hey, Nikki, what's up? I came by to get the jacket I left here.
I'm on my way to see "grieg in the grass.
" You're a grieg fan too? I was just heading over there! I thought I was the only one who loved her.
Him.
You like classical music? Oh, I love it.
Grieg, and, uh, uh, the guy with the white hair, and the guy who cut his ear off.
Van gough? Yeah, my parents took it, we'll have to walk.
Just give me a second.
Whoa! What happened to you being in charge? You're supposed to be here all afternoon! I will be.
Keep an eye on things, dude.
If I looked like that, I'd be smiling, too.
You know, that remote doesn't work.
I know.
This is where I keep my jelly beans.
No! Why you taking my beans? Hey, Tyler.
Looking good, buddy.
I know we wanted flatter abs, but this is ridiculous.
Ooh, I got to use that! And then I said, "I know we wanted flatter abs, but this is ridiculous!" You stink! That's 'cause I roll in my own poo.
What's your excuse? I can't believe how irresponsible Tyler was, bailing like this.
Hey, Lindsay! He's at the bookstore? Right now? Look, I'd really love a signed copy of mecropolis high, but I'm being responsible, and babysitting my little sister.
Okay, stan! You watch Chloe! This is not irresponsible.
It has to do with books! Uh-uh! I'm in charge now, and I don't think you should be eating stuffing.
It's not stuffing, it's cotton candy.
Wrong pillow.
Ahh! It's not my penguin! Shh! Bennett, you're sleeping! Let's just go home.
No! I wasn't sleeping.
I was transported.
This kind of music just sends me somewhere.
Somewhere with penguins? Honey, we're having husband-wife time.
It's a rare chance for us to be away from the kids.
Chloe, there are two kinds of dogs in this world: The responsible kind and schnauzers.
And I am no schnauzer.
They could not have picked a better babysitter, huh, Chloe? Chloe? Chloe? Chloe! Oh, no! I've lost Chloe.
What a schnauzer move.
Oh, please tell me you're Chloe dressed in an Avery costume.
Oh, please tell me you haven't lost Chloe.
Well, we've both disappointed each other, haven't we? That's it.
Chloe's nowhere in this house.
I trusted you, stan.
You're the most irresponsible talking dog I've ever known.
I know, I know! And I'm 1/8 Shepard.
It's my job to keep the flock together, and I blew it! Now my sheep is on the lam.
She's "a-wool.
" This is "baaaad.
" We've got to find Chloe.
And we've got to find me an open-mic night.
Look, we need to find Chloe before mom and dad get back.
And we need all the help we can get.
I call Tyler.
I'll get Chloe.
Oh, right.
She's gone? What do you mean you left? What kind of person leaves when they're in charge of watching someone? Fine, I'll be right there.
What's "irony"? In art or literature Never mind, my sister's missing.
That's horrible! Yeah, it really is horrible.
Shouldn't you rush home? In a minute.
Do you want me to come with you and help? No, stay here.
We lose my sister all the time.
It's no big deal.
But it's horrible! Oh! Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Whoa! You like that, honey? Like what? Oh, yeah.
That's nice, honey.
I could stay like this forever.
What took you so long? I was the victim of a senseless hugging.
I told you to watch her.
And I told stan to watch her.
I don't know what happened.
I lost a member of the pack.
But I can find her.
I'm 1/8 bloodhound.
I've got her scent.
I'm on it.
Chloe? It's all right, stan.
Hey, guys! Let's split up, and we'll scour the neighborhood.
And if we can't find her, I put on a red wig, walk around saying, "why you taking my beans?" Whoa.
So, that's a sugar crash.
Chloe! Chloe? No time.
No time.
Chloe's not here.
Better check the playground.
He's my master.
I can't help it.
Honey, we're in public.
Karl, Chloe's missing.
We've looked everywhere, and obviously we wouldn't be here if we weren't desperate.
I wouldn't want you here unless you were desperate.
Are those my gym socks? You can have them back as soon as I've distilled the pheromones from your sweat.
I'm going to discover why you attract girls, and I don't.
Because you boil socks.
Look, you spy on everyone in the neighborhood, just tell us if you've seen Chloe.
It's going to cost you.
What do you want, my dirty gym shorts? Why would I want another pair of your dirty gym shorts? Where are you getting all my stuff? Karl, this has been a nice visit, but tell me, do you have tea with the other mothers on the block? Yes, but Joan's and Tracy's finger sandwiches don't hold a candle to yours.
And Louise just cries.
Well, I have a lot of laundry to do, so Yes, I can see that.
All right.
Thanks for coming by, Karl.
Take care.
Toodle-loo! There is one thing I do want, though, the waterpark.
Take me with you and I'll tell you everything I know about Chloe.
You're bluffing.
You know nothing about Chloe.
How did you know? I didn't, until just now.
I walked right into that.
These Tyler pheromones must be dulling my senses.
That's how it works on girls! We're leaving! You're pathetic, Karl.
I feel the same way about you and your whole despicable family.
Tell Ellen I'll bring my cranberry scones tomorrow.
It's not weird.
Candy.
Candy! Come on! Come on! Candy? Candy! Candy! Candy! Ahh! I don't know what else to do.
We looked everywhere! I know.
I think we need to call the police.
Hi.
Uh, yes, I'd like to report a missing child.
Of course we've looked everywhere, we're not idiots.
Maybe that's her! Ohh! Oh, it's you.
Wow.
That is the first time anyone's ever been disappointed to see me.
I'm not! But we still haven't found Chloe.
I'm really worried.
Ohh! Hey, that was mine! So, what are you doing back here? The concert just ended.
Ohh! Mom and dad will be home any second! Nikki, can you go stall our parents until we find Chloe? Uh, I don't feel comfortable being deceptive.
I understand if it makes you feel uncomfortable Ha! I got you! I was being deceptive right then.
I love being deceptive! It's my favorite thing, next to telling the truth.
Ahh! Oh! Bravo! Bravo! Well, uh That was embarrassing.
You kidding? That's the best sleep I've had since Avery was born.
We should do this again.
Yeah, we don't even have to repack.
We barely touched our picnic.
Oh, my! Goodness! We let that old woman steal our cheese? She clearly wanted it more.
Oh! I'm so glad to see you both! Oh! Nikki.
Hi! Dr.
James, I need your help.
I've been having this crazy dream, and it's really disturbing me.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, why don't we talk about it tomorrow in my office? But what if I have the dream again tonight? Okay.
We'll go back to my office right now.
No! The dream happens in an office.
It's filled with Geese.
Well, there's really no reason I have to hurry back.
All right, then.
Then, I'll see you at home.
No, stay! I find your soothing maternal nature So comforting.
Oh, aren't you a dear! Help this girl, Bennett.
Remember how Chloe used to wear the salad bowl like a hat? Remember how she used to call her feet her "walking hands"? And how I used to call my eyes my "looking balls"? Chloe, is that really you? It's not stan in a red wig.
That's over there.
Why you taking my beans? Oh, she's here.
Someone could have told me.
Thank goodness you're back! I'll text Nikki that we found her.
And then I looked down and I had orange webbed feet and an elephant trunk, and I could only make donkey sounds.
Hee-haw, hee-haw.
I'm sensing some deep-seated turmoil.
It may take many years of therapy That's it! Thank you, Dr.
James.
You're brilliant! Hey, honey.
Wake up.
I cured her.
I was sleeping with my mouth open.
My throat is full of ants.
Where were you this whole time, Chloe? Not eating candy.
That's probably the police.
You really had us scared, you little candy thief.
You do anything like that again, you'll be in big trouble.
Hi.
We're here about the little girl.
Busted! Thank you, for coming so quickly, officers.
We did have a problem with her today, but we found her.
So it's okay.
It's good that you called.
You did the right thing.
I always do.
I got to go! The cops are after me for being a candy thief! Uh-uh! You're not getting by me! Again.
You're part of my pack, Chloe.
And I love you.
And it's my job to make sure ball! What were you doing outside by yourself, young lady? Just thinking about how much I "wuv" you.
Did you just say "wuv"? That's too cute to punish, right? No.
Did Tyler and Avery know you were outside? No.
We're going to teach Tyler and Avery a lesson.
I cannot believe they were so irresponsible.
And you, Chloe, are not allowed outside unsupervised! Did I miss something? Chloe, wait here.
We'll deal with you in a minute.
There's going to be some big punishment handed down here.
I don't want big punishment.
Whoa whoa whoa.
I am not letting you leave again.
Again.
I have a responsibility here, and I take my responsibility very, very toy! So, you've been watching Chloe this whole time, have you? Yeah, she's upstairs.
Upstairs, is she? Yeah, I think so.
Think so, do you? What if I were to tell you we found her outside by herself walking in the street? In the street, was she? There's going to be some big punishment for this.
For one thing, no waterpark next weekend.
No, not the waterpark.
I really want to go to the waterpark.
I really want to go to the waterpark, too.
I don't know why I just said that.
We're going to the waterpark.
But no screen time for a week, because you were irresponsible.
So, hopefully you've learned your lesson and can learn a little something from us.
Because we know how to look after someone.
We know what it means to keep your eye on someone.
It means never let them leave your sight.
Anyone could lose someone.
It happens.
Yes, I'd like to report a lost child.
Of course we've looked everywhere, we're not idiots.
On second thought, we are idiots! Chloe! Chloe! Do not wander off like that.
Hello, blended family.
I found little red wandering down the sidewalk.
Eating this.
My food box really hurts.
Well, that's why we have a rule about how much candy you can put in your eatin' hole! Raisins are a healthy sweet alternative.
According to mother's sparring partner, Gregor.
Well, thank you, Karl.
How can we repay you? Oh, the little girl's safety is all I care I would love to join you for the waterpark next weekend.
Okay.
Sounds great.
No! We can discuss the details tomorrow, over tea.
What? Oh, sometimes Karl and I have tea.
It's not weird.
So, I still get paid for babysitting, right? Classic! I guess none of us were very responsible that day.
But we put that behind us the next weekend at the waterpark, and we all had fun! Except for Tyler and Avery.
And we were very responsible, too.
Until we lost Chloe.
Thank goodness for the Gonzalez family.
Now they know how to be responsible.