Doug (1991) s01e10 Episode Script

[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
[ rap drumbeat playing]
Man:
I'M A DOG, YOU'RE A DOG,
EVERYBODY DO THE DOG ♪
BET YOU'RE GONNA DO THE DOG
ALL DAY LONG ♪
DO THE DOBERMAN PINSCHER,
BEAGLE, PEKINGESE ♪
CORGI, COLLIE, BULLDOG,
GREAT PYRENEES ♪
CHASE A CAR,
THERE YOU ARE ♪
PORKCHOP.
HEY, PORKCHOP!
WOULD YOU PUT ON
YOUR HEADPHONES?
I'M GOING TO WRITE
IN MY JOURNAL.
LHASA APSO, POODLE,
CHIHUAHUA, MASTIFF ♪
[ yelping to music]
HEY, PORKCHOP.
PORKCHOP!
HAVE YOU SEEN
MY JOURNAL?
WHERE IS IT?
UH, NOT OVER HERE.
NO, NOT IN THERE.
OVER HERE, YEAH.
NO.
UNDER THERE?
DID YOU SEE IT, PORKCHOP?
OH, I WONDER WHERE I PUT IT.
LET ME CHECK IN HERE.
OLD SOCKS.
IT'S NOT HERE.
MY JOURNAL'S NOT HERE.
THAT MEANS IT MUST BE
LOST!
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
WHERE IS IT?
MAYBE MOM WASHED IT BY MISTAKE.
[ cries out]
DOUG, WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU DOING?
MY JOURNAL IS LOST.
HAVE YOU SEEN IT?
IF YOU READ IT, I'LL CREAM YOU.
NUMBER ONE, YOU ARE
TOTALLY STRESSED OUT.
NUMBER TWO, I HAVEN'
SEEN YOUR LITTLE DIARY.
JOURNAL!
IT'S A JOURNAL!
I'VE GOT TO FIND
MY JOURNAL.
DOUG, YOU'RE
FALLING APAR
IN FRON
OF MY EYES.
YOU NEED TO CENTER
COLLECT YOURSELF.
LOOK WITHIN.
HUH?
SLEEP ON IT.
I'M SURE IN
THE MORNING
YOU'LL KNOW
WHAT TO DO.
[ thunderclap]
[ moaning]
[ groaning]
HELP, SAVE ME, DOUG.
YOU'RE MY
BEST FRIEND.
[ screaming]
[ alarm clock buzzing]
BOY, THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.
I'LL RETRACE MY STEPS
BACK TO EVERY PLACE
I WENT YESTERDAY.
YO, DOUG.
DID YOU KNOW
THAT YOU'RE BACKWARDS?
OH, HEY, SKEETER.
I LOST MY JOURNAL
YESTERDAY
AND I'M RETRACING
MY STEPS.
COOL! MIND IF I JOIN YOU?
Woman:
Good morning from all of us
at the Honker Burger.
May I take
your breakfast order?
YES, MY NAME IS DOUG FUNNIE
AND I WAS WONDERING IF ANYONE
FOUND MY JOURNAL HERE.
No, no diary.
IT'S A JOURNAL!
How about
our Honker special?
Scrambled beets
and beet juice.
NO THANKS,
I'M NOT HUNGRY.
EXCUSE ME--
DID ANYONE FIND
A BOOK HERE YESTERDAY?
SHH!
YES, I CAN SAFELY SAY
ALMOST EVERYONE FOUND
A BOOK HERE YESTERDAY.
UH, NO, I MEAN,
NOT A LIBRARY BOOK.
IT'S A PERSONAL JOURNAL.
I MEAN, PERSONAL.
THIS IS ALL
QUITE INTERESTING
BUT I HAVEN'
SEEN YOUR DIARY.
JOURNAL!!
SHH.
OKAY, I HAVEN'
SEEN YOUR JOURNAL.
[ whispers:]
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.
THAT'S RIGHT--
I HAD IT WITH ME
IN SCHOOL.
SKEETER, WHAT IF
SOMEBODY FOUND IT?
WHAT IF THEY READ IT?
RELAX, WHAT'S THE WORS
THAT COULD HAPPEN?
LET'S FACE IT--
MY PERSONAL LIFE
WILL BE ALL OVER SCHOOL.
Boy:
HI, SKUNKY.
I'LL BET THEY'RE
ALL TALKING ABOUT ME.
DID YOU READ
WHEN DOUG THOUGH
HE WAS GETTING
HIS FIRST PIMPLE
BUT IT TURNED OU
TO BE A MOSQUITO BITE?
I READ THA
FUNNIE'S AFRAID
OF TAKING THE GARBAGE
OUT AFTER DARK.
WHAT A FRAIDYCAT.
ATTENTION ALL TEACHERS
AND PUPILS
I READ THAT HE THINKS
MY EARS WIGGLE
WHEN I GET MAD.
WE'LL SEE
WHO'S WIGGLING WHA
WHEN I RECORD THIS
IN HIS PERMANENT RECORD!
THAT IS ALL!
Mrs. Wingo:
DOUG, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU LOOK ILL.
I I'M KIND OF UPSET.
I LOST MY JOURNAL.
DON'T WORRY,
SOMEONE WILL FIND IT.
THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF!
SUPPOSE THEY READ IT?
SOME OF THE GREATEST WRITERS
IN THE WORLD
HAVE HAD THEIR
JOURNALS PUBLISHED
REVEALING DEEP INSIGH
INTO THEIR GENIUS.
GENIUS?
[ murmuring]
Man:
OH, MR. FUNNIE
IT SEEMS AS IF YOU WRITE
ABOUT PEOPLE YOU KNOW.
WHY, YES, I LIKE TO WRITE
ABOUT PEOPLE I KNOW.
IT GIVES MY WORK THA
PEOPLE-I-KNOW FEELING.
ONE QUESTION
DOUG DOUG?
YOU BETTER RUN ALONG
TO CLASS NOW.
IT WON'T BE SO BAD.
THEY'LL SEE MY SKETCHES,
MY UNIQUE WRITING STYLE.
THEY'LL KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT
[ Doug gasps]
PATTI!
HEY, DOUG.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
NOTHING, I GUESS
EXCEPT, WELL
I CAN'T FIND MY JOURNAL.
AREN'T YOU AFRAID
SOMEONE WILL READ I
AND FIND OUT ALL
YOUR PERSONAL STUFF?
YOU KNOW HOW TO HIT THE NAIL
ON THE HEAD.
I'LL KEEP MY
EYES PEELED, DOUG.
I HOPE YOU FIND IT--
SEE YOU.
SEE YOU.
WHOA!
I CHECKED THE LIBRARY
AND HOMEROOM.
NO GO, MAN.
I'VE GOT TO FIND
THAT THING-- NOW!
SO I MADE A FLYER
LETTING EVERYONE
IN BLUFFINGTON KNOW
THAT MY JOURNAL
WAS TOTALLY MISSING.
IF IT WAS OUT THERE, SURELY
SOMEBODY WOULD TURN IT IN.
BOY, I'D LIKE TO WRITE DOWN
ALL THE STUFF
THAT'S BEEN GOING ON
SINCE I LOST MY JOURNAL.
MAYBE THIS WOULD WORK.
DEAR MULTICOLORED
LOOSE-LEAF PAPER
I LOST MY JOURNAL YESTERDAY.
THAT DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT.
DEAR TOILET PAPER
IT'S ME, DOUG.
NO, IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME.
Judy:
DOUG, TELEPHONE.
SOMEONE FOUND
YOUR DIARY.
IT'S DOWN
AT THE HONKER BURGER NOW.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT!
WHO FOUND IT?
MAY I ASK WHO'S
CALLING, PLEASE?
IT'S ROGER KLOTZ.
[ gasps]
ROGER?
SO A FUNNY THING HAPPENED
TO ME THE OTHER DAY.
I FOUND DOUG FUNNIE'S JOURNAL.
I'D LIKE TO READ A FEW EXCERPTS.
TODAY I THOUGHT I GREW HAIR
UNDER MY ARMS
BUT IT TURNED OUT TO BE
JUST GRASS FROM MOWING THE YARD.
[ comic drum beat]
DEAR JOURNAL, DON'T TELL ANYONE
BUT I RIPPED THE SEA
OF MY PANTS YESTERDAY
AND HAD TO STAPLE I
BACK TOGETHER.
DID YOU KNOW THAT FUNNIE
IS ALLERGIC TO MUSTARD
BUT ABSOLUTELY LOVES MAYONNAISE?
YEAH, PATTI MAYONNAISE!
Crowd:
WHOA!
OF ALL PEOPLE,
WHY DID ROGER HAVE TO FIND IT?
[ general laughter]
HOLD THE MAYO.
HOLD THE MAYO.
HI, ROGER.
SO I GUESS YOU FOUND
MY JOURNAL, HUH?
YEAH, I GUESS I DID.
I GUESS YOU KNOW
ENOUGH SECRETS
TO BLACKMAIL ME FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE.
I GUESS, MAYBE I DO.
THEN AGAIN, MAYBE I DON'T.
WHAT?
MAYBE I DIDN'T READ
YOUR PRECIOUS DIARY.
YOU DIDN'T?
YOU LOST A CHANCE TO LOOK
AT MY PERSONAL SECRETS
AND EMBARRASS ME?
WELL
YOU COULD'VE
MADE ME
THE BIGGEST LOSER
IN SCHOOL?
I WOULD'VE READ
YOUR STUPID JOURNAL
BUT I COULDN'T.
REALLY?
YOU CALL THIS HANDWRITING?
CHICKEN SCRATCHES!
IF I WERE YOU, I'D LEARN
HOW TO TYPE-- FAST!
BOY, DID I MISS YOU.
OHH.
[ whining along to "I'm a Dog"]
DEAR JOURNAL-- NOT DIARY--
HI, IT'S ME, DOUG.
YESTERDAY I THOUGHT
YOU WERE A GONER.
I THOUGHT I HAD LOST YOU FOREVER
BUT YOU'RE BACK AND I'M GLAD.
I'LL START AT THE BEGINNING.
MINIATURE SCHNAUZER,
SHEEPDOG, SPITZ ♪
PORKCHOP, PORKCHOP,
CAN YOU TURN THAT DOWN?
PORKCHOP!
CHOW CHOW, FOX TERRIER
[ barking to the music]
TURN IT DOWN!
[ James Bond music]
DEAR JOURNAL,
HI, IT'S ME, YOU-KNOW-WHO.
OPERATION WINGO WAS UNDERWAY.
THERE WAS NO TURNING BACK.
DOUG FUNNIE!
MORE THAN A GUY,
A GUY WHO'S MADE OF COOL ♪
AND HE'S STILL IN SCHOOL
DOUG FUNNIE
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
NOT ONLY WAS THE FATE
OF THE MISSION IN THE BALANCE
BUT PROBABLY TWO-THIRDS
OF MY SOCIAL STUDIES GRADE.
IT WAS A DANGEROUS MISSION,
ALL RIGH
BUT DANGER IS MY MIDDLE NAME.
WHOA-A-A!
WELL, ACTUALLY,
YANCEY IS MY MIDDLE NAME
BUT MY NICKNAME IS DANGER.
AS I SWUNG THERE
50 FEET IN THE AIR
I TRIED TO REMEMBER
HOW IT ALL BEGAN.
IT WAS A TYPICAL DAY
IN MRS. WINGO'S CLASS.
BOOMER WAS STUDYING
A COMIC BOOK.
AND AS USUAL
ROGER WAS THROWING HIMSELF
HEADFIRST INTO HIS STUDIES.
Mrs. Wingo:
MR. KLOTZ
HUH?
I DIDN'T DO IT.
MRS. WINGO, I WAS JUS
PREPARING MY BRAIN
FOR YOUR NEX
CHALLENGING QUESTION.
Mrs. Wingo:
MM-HMM.
I HAD A PROJECT OF MY OWN.
Doug:
OOPS!
OH, YES, I ALMOST FORGOT.
PLEASE PASS IN YOUR ESSAYS.
Class:
OH!
USUALLY THIS WAS
MY FAVORITE PART OF CLASS.
NOT THAT I'M IN LOVE
WITH HOMEWORK.
DOUG?
OH, HEY, PATTI,
HOW ARE YOU?
FINE-- HOW ARE YOU?
FINE.
DO YOU HAVE YOUR HOMEWORK?
YES HERE.
IT COULDN'T BE.
I COULDN'T BE THAT STUPID.
COULD I?
HERE YOU GO.
I WAS--
I WAS THAT STUPID,
HIDEOUSLY STUPID.
I JUST HANDED IN MY DOODLE TO
MRS. WINGO INSTEAD OF MY ESSAY.
YOU'RE SO
QUIET, DOUG.
IS SOMETHING
WRONG?
[ choking]
WHO SAID SOMETHING WAS WRONG?
DID SOMETHING HAPPEN
AT SCHOOL TODAY?
[ doorbell rings]
UH, I'LL GET IT.
[ barking]
SO THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK
I LOOK LIKE, DOUG.
[ sobbing]
I COULD JUST SEE IT.
I'D NEVER LIVE IT DOWN.
THIS WAS TERRIBLE
AND SHE WAS GRADING THEM
RIGHT NOW.
THERE WASN'T A THING I COULD DO.
IN MINUTES,
I WAS GOING TO BE DEAD MEAT.
WHY DID I EVER DRAW THAT DOODLE?
I HAD TO KEEP COOL.
SHE MIGHT NOT KNOW
I WAS THE ONE WHO DREW IT.
I'D PRETEND
I'D NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE.
PLAY IT COOL.
WHO TURNED IN
I DID IT.
IT WAS ME, I DID IT.
I'M SORRY.
DOUG, YOUR PAPER IS
"MY FIRST PAIR OF HIGH HEELS"?
YOUR NAME'S
NOT ON IT.
HEY, THAT'S MY
PAPER, MRS. WINGO.
I WAS SO EMBARRASSED,
BUT I WAS ALIVE.
WHEN SHE FOUND THAT PAPER,
I'D BE DEAD.
I HAD TO FIND A WAY
TO GET IT BACK.
THE WINDOW.
WHOA.
Class:
WHOA!
Roger:
HEY, FUNNIE,
KNOCK OFF THE TORNADO.
Doug:
NOW YOU SEE IT.
Class:
OOH!
NOW YOU DON'T.
THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
I COULD ONLY HOPE
THERE WAS A BREEZE TODAY.
NOW ALL I HAD TO DO
WAS GET TO THAT WINDOW.
[ James Bond music]
OW!
SHH!
OWW!!
DOUG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OUT OF YOUR SEAT?
I JUST THOUGH
WE COULD ALL USE
SOME FRESH AIR.
Mrs. Wingo:
ARE YOU FEELING SICK?
NO, BUT I'VE GOT A FEELING
I'M GOING TO BE FAIRLY SOON.
Mrs. Wingo:
EVERYONE BACK TO YOUR READING.
THIS WAS GETTING SERIOUS.
IF MRS. WINGO SAW THAT DOODLE
I'D BE IN FOR SOME
MAJOR HUMILIATION.
Woman:
GET HIM!
[ crowd shouting]
GET HIM,GET HIM!
BUT I'M NOT A WITCH.
I JUST DREW A DOODLE.
BURN HIM ANYWAY!
YES, A
DOODLING WITCH.
THE WORST KIND.
I WAS IN HUGE TROUBLE.
WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO?
SMASH ADAMS?
YEAH, SMASH ADAMS, SECRET AGENT.
HOW WOULD HE GET MY DOODLE BACK?
HUH?
[ groaning]
[ making karate sounds]
[ grunts]
[ screams]
[ radar bleeps]
WHOA, IT SEEMED LIKE
AN AWFUL LOT OF WORK.
PLUS, I WAS RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
SOON MRS. WINGO
WOULD SEE MY DRAWING.
THEN IT HIT ME.
I KNEW EXACTLY
HOW SMASH WOULD STOP HER.
Mrs. Wingo:
OH, SMASH, YOU
KNOW THAT STUFF
GOES RIGHT TO MY HEAD.
[ giggles:]
OH.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
YOU WERE SUCH
A CHARMING CREATURE.
OH, SMASH.
YOU KNOW, SMASH
NO, NO, DON'T SAY A WORD.
JUST LET ME LINGER
ON YOUR LOVELY LOOKS.
WHY, WHAT LARGE
BROWN EYES
YOU HAVE.
AND THAT RAVISHING HAIR.
OH, SMASH.
TO YOU.
MY ONLY HOPE WAS TO USE MY CHARM
TO DISTRACT MRS. WINGO
WHILE I GOT THAT DOODLE BACK.
[ whispers:]
MRS. WINGO.
DOUG?
I JUST WANTED
TO SAY I
I NEVER NOTICED WHA
LARGE HAIR YOU HAVE.
DOUG, WHAT ARE YOU?
NO, DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
JUST LET ME LONGER ON YOUR
LINGER ON YOUR
[ all gasp]
WHOA!
[ laughing]
DOUG, ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?
[ screams]
IS SOMETHING
WRONG?
WRONG?
WHY, IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT?
YOU'VE BEEN
DISTURBING
THE CLASS.
WELL, I'VE BEEN
ALL RIGHT--
WHO'S THE ARTIST WHO
DREW THIS MASTERPIECE?
[ giggling]
NICE ONE.
Mrs. Wingo:
BOOMER--
I WANT YOU TO STAY
AFTER CLASS.
BUT, MISS WINGO, I DIDN'T DO IT.
YOU HEARD ME,
YOUNG MAN.
AH, SAVED.
I WAS SAVED.
DOUG, YOU CAN
TAKE YOUR SEAT.
THIS WAS THE LUCKIEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED
BUT WHAT ABOUT BOOMER?
I WONDERED IF HE WOULD HAVE
TO FACE THE ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL.
SO YOU THOUGH
YOU COULD GET AWAY FROM ME,
EH, MR. BOOMER?
NO, MR. BONEFINGER.
I HATED TO SEE ANYBODY IN THE
ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL'S CLUTCHES
ESPECIALLY IF
HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
I'D BE A HEEL
IF I DIDN'T SAVE THE POOR SAP.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
HUH?
I'M THE GUY YOU WANT.
WHAT DID YOU SAY, DOUG?
I I SAID, I DID THE DRAWING.
YOU, DOUG?
I GUESS YEAH.
[ giggles]
DOUG, WOULD YOU
COME UP HERE, PLEASE.
I WANTED TO TELL YOU
HOW SORRY
I HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU.
IT'S AN ALBUM
I PUT TOGETHER
OF BUDDING
ARTIST'S WORK.
THIS ONE WAS DONE
BY CHALKY'S FATHER.
HERE'S ONE BY MR. DINK.
I KNEW IT WAS HIS BY
THE TERRIBLE SPELLING.
DOZENS OF THEM.
AND NOW IF YOU'LL
SIGN YOURS
I'LL PASTE IT IN
WITH THE REST.
REALLY? GOSH,
SURE, MRS. WINGO.
THANK YOU, DOUG.
NO PROBLEM.
SEE YOU LATER,
MRS. WINGO.
ONE MORE THING I ASK
MY ARTISTS TO DO.
YES?
I WANT YOU TO CLEAN EVERY ONE
OF THESE DESK TOPS.
[ groans]
WELL, THE DOODLE
IS IN SAFE HANDS
AND OPERATION CLEAN DESK
IS UNDERWAY THANKS TO
[ James Bond music]
DOUG FUNNIE,
SECRET AGENT.
DOUG FUNNIE,
MORE THAN A GUY ♪
A GUY WHO'S MADE OF COOL
AND HE'S STILL IN SCHOOL
HE'S A GUY ALWAYS IN CONTROL
HE'S GOT ALL OF HIS MOVES DOWN
COLD-- IF YOU CROSS HIS PATH-- ♪
BECAUSE HE GOT A "B"
IN P.E. ♪
[ dogs rapping]
[ dog howling]
I'M A DOG, YOU'RE A DOG,
EVERYBODY DO THE DOG ♪
BET YOU'RE GONNA DO THE DOG
ALL DAY LONG ♪