Early Edition (1996) s01e10 Episode Script
The Wrong Man
CHUCK: Your scientists will tell you that most human beings only use 10% of their brain.
Wrong and wrong.
Don't make me laugh, Freddy.
I blow my nose with overseas bank certificates.
Do you have to learn to be this stupid, or were you just born this way? (tires screech) What they don't tell you is that usually, this is a very good thing.
Hey, moron! Open your eyes! Next time I don't brake.
Truth is, you don't want to think too much, 'cause if you did, you'd realize that we are all this close to catastrophe, disaster, or heartbreak every minute of every day.
Buy a flower? No, thanks.
For your wife? No, I don't have one.
What's that? Looks like a wedding ring.
Souvenir.
Eddie! Eddie! Are you all right? Are you all right? Your first step before the breathing, before the chest thrusts, is this.
Make sure that the victim is, in fact, unconscious.
(coughing) Eddie, are you all right?! Are you? Harry? Harry? Hey One one thousand, two one thousand, three Hello.
DISPATCHER: Rescue Four Five, respond to injury accident Rescue 81 responding to the accident Ready? One, two, three.
(garbled radio transmissions) The trick is to assume your life is going to work out.
(siren wailing) Of course it never does.
So you do the next best thing you take it one disaster at a time.
(theme music playing) CHUCK: Man, you tricked me.
You promised me a pancake breakfast.
GARY: Look, just keep your pants on.
I got one more errand to run.
Oh, you and your errands.
All right.
Just so you know I want an apple pancake and real pork sausage, and I don't want to hear any crap about that talking pig.
Fine.
I just don't see how you can eat sausage after seeing that movie, that's all.
How? I hate that stupid pig.
I sat in that movie, and for 93 minutes all I could think about were sausage links and pork rinds.
GARY: There they are.
CHUCK: Who are those clowns? Those guys go swimming every morning.
Every morning?! They say it keeps them healthy.
November.
Freaks.
Well Oh I'm freezing with my jacket on.
I know.
Look at those bellies.
Hey, Frank? Uh Frank Levinson?! Yeah? Yeah.
No suits? Aren't you guys going in? We just ate.
Look, I don't think you want to go in either.
What? Why not? Because it's too cold, and if you go in, you It's not your day.
Too cold? I've been swimming every morning since the Nixon Administration.
This body can take it.
Yeah.
Look, Frank, go see your doctor today.
It's not too late.
He can help you.
But I'm telling you, don't go swimming.
You don't understand.
If I don't go, there's only nine.
So what? We need a minyan.
You got to be kidding me.
You guys are Orthodox Polar Bears? Yeah.
You got a problem with that, smart mouth? Look, Frank, I know.
Trust me.
Don't go in.
Please, Frank, you got to believe me.
Fine.
Fine.
You win.
I won't go in if he goes in my place.
Me? Oh, no.
You gotta be kidding me.
No, no.
It's against my religion.
Uh-huh.
I'm not going in.
You're going.
Nope.
N No, no, no.
Wait a minute.
Now, sto Hey! Listen to me! No, no, no.
I'm Gary! Gary No! No! CHUCK: My hair is frozen.
It hurts.
It's a block.
It'll thaw.
Just get me to that shower.
And you'd better have a clean towel.
Why is it that you're the one who gets the paper, and I'm the one who gets punished? Every time.
Every time.
Gary.
Marcia, what are you doing here? I wanted to talk to you.
Gary.
Keys.
Shower.
Freezing.
Oh.
Oh.
Marcia, it was a pleasure, as always.
I gotta say that for the first time today, I understand why you divorced this guy.
So, you want to tell me what you're doing here? I I just wanted to find out how you were doing.
How things were.
Oh.
Doing well.
Doing good.
You know doing good.
Uh, listen, Marcia I'm getting married, Gary.
That's why I came down here in person to tell you first.
So so when did, when uh, so when did this all happen? Just happened.
It was quick.
Huh.
So who is he? No, no, no, no.
You know, that That's a dumb question.
I shouldn't have asked.
Gary.
'Cause I understand that we're not married anymore and you don't have to clear it up through me, and it's a dumb question.
It doesn't matter, so (sighs) (elevator bell dings) Gary, you all right? Oh, yeah.
So you're happy for me? Oh, yeah.
So, who the hell is he? I thought it didn't matter.
I thought you were bigger than that.
CHUCK: Are you kidding? No man is that big.
Oh.
Are you all right? CHUCK: Yeah! He's great.
He's never been better.
Another man is marrying his wife.
I'm fine.
He probably wants to kill himself.
I just want to know who he is.
MARISSA: You know, Marcia's right.
It doesn't matter.
What matters is that now he can move on.
Move on? Yeah.
Gary does not know who this guy is.
For all he knows, she could be marrying the most successful, best-looking guy in the city, with the biggest Chuck.
Boat, the biggest boat a-a yacht on Lake Michigan.
It takes time, but he'll get over it.
The truth is Not if it's a Kennedy.
He'd never get over it if it was a Kennedy.
I know I wouldn't.
This is exactly what he needs closure.
CHUCK: Wrong.
What he needs is a martini and a date.
With a supermodel.
MARISSA: Oh, great.
That's your answer to everything.
Ask him yourself.
Gare, closure? Or a super model? I'll bet you two to one Guys! Thank you very much for all your input.
I'm fine.
I'm over it.
I'm good.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Touchy.
He's very touchy.
MARISSA: Very touchy.
All right, hypothetical question.
Ah! You see how he changed the subject? This is a man in pain.
MARISSA: Chuck.
Out of all the workers at your office, which one is most likely to flip out and do something rash? Harrison.
Harrison.
"An overworked stockbroker "at the firm of Straus and Associates "leapt to his death "from a 26th-floor window yesterday afternoon.
"The workers say Roger Harrison had been under a great deal "of stress at work.
" "Yesterday afternoon he typed a suicide note which "read, 'I leave this life.
It was all too much.
Tell my family' and distributed it to everyone on staff.
" "Without a word to anyone he shattered a window "on the 26th floor "of the high-rise, and moments later hurled himself to the street below.
" (yells) There's fat in every company.
Your job is to find it.
Employee morale is not a factor.
HARRISON: Pritchard, you suck! (echoing) (thud, glass shattering) It's dollars and cents, people.
(car horns honking) Now, is there any new business? "He leaves a wife and two children.
" I don't get it.
The market's doing so well.
No one jumps during a bull market.
What is this, Harrison? Yesterday's Internet providers Bolivian telephones This is garbage.
Mr.
Pritchard, you said you wanted this in both these I still have the memo.
I don't care about memos.
My mother can read memos.
What I care about is the small fortune you're costing me.
Quit slacking off.
I'm not here to entertain you, Bannerman.
Quit gawking and get back to work.
And Pincus, what did I tell you about these ties, huh? What did I tell you? Blues and browns only.
This isn't Miami.
I didn't think it was possible.
He's gotten worse.
SAM: Mr.
Hobson.
I haven't seen you around in a while.
Well, I know.
I haven't been here.
How are you, Sam? Great.
Did you hear about Teledyne? Up six today.
I called it.
Of course, no one asks me.
I don't think I have any mail for you today.
Strange you haven't been getting anything for a while.
I know.
Sam, I I haven't been working here.
Right.
I'll tell you what, I'll check downstairs.
Don't tell anybody, but sometimes mail gets misfiled.
You have anything for me, Sam? On your desk, Mr.
Fishman.
Thank you.
Let's go.
Hey, Rog, look.
Gary.
How are you, Rog? What are you doing here? Back on the job? No, no, no, just visiting.
Just visiting.
How is everything? Well, trying to keep my head above water.
I've been better.
Under a lot of stress, huh? Who isn't? But that's why I get paid the big bucks, right? You can't let the job ruin your life, Roger.
The job's not worth it.
No job is.
Thanks, Gary, but, uh I don't remember asking you for advice.
Gare, let me handle this.
Rog, you know what my good friend the Dalai Lama says about stress? You know the Dalai Lama? Well, I don't know "know" the Dalai Lama, but I read his books All right.
I read an article in People magazine.
Listen, guys, I got work to do.
The Dalai Lama says that a stressful life is like a river that's been poisoned, and you got to go upstream and find the source of that stress in your life, and then shut it off.
GARY: What Chuck's trying to say, I think, is that you don't want to make any, uh radical changes or rash decisions.
Like hurling yourself out a window.
Go upstream.
Upstream.
Thanks, guys.
I I mean uh that really helps what you said.
You have no idea.
No problem, Rog.
Hobson what are you doing here? How are you, Pritchard? Yeah.
What the hell are you up to? I just came to visit Roger, here.
Is that true? He was just visiting, Mr.
Pritchard, that's all.
Weren't looking for me? No.
Well, this isn't a hospital, Harrison.
We don't have visiting hours.
And as for you, as I recall, I fired you, Hobson.
No, actually I quit.
Yeah, well, it comes down to the same thing.
You're here now, and I could have you arrested for trespassing.
Fishman, do you still work here, or have I fired you yet for perpetual tardiness? As far as I know, I'm still under your employ, sir.
Good.
Walk him out.
Make sure he doesn't stop till he hits the sidewalk.
I was just telling him to leave, sir.
Hobson! And don't make an afternoon of it.
I can't believe I used to work for that jerk.
I'm surprised more people haven't jumped out of that place.
Hey, well, some of us still have to work there, remember? Thanks for helping me with Harris.
You, me, and the Dalai Lama.
What a team.
So what's next? Marcia.
You know, Marissa was right.
Well, that'd be a first.
About what? Closure.
I'm going to go talk to Marcia and give her my blessing.
That's right.
Be a bigger man.
Oh! That's okay.
I got it.
I got it.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
It can't be.
It is.
It's Pri Marcia's marrying Pritchard? MAN: I hope we got room for this.
Here I go.
Flip it.
WOMAN: Hey, Billy, are you coming? MAN: Uh, yeah, give me ten minutes.
What are you doing? I am packing.
No.
You know what I mean.
Pritchard.
Pritchard's the guy? He told you Well, I saw you your wedding announcement.
It wasn't supposed to come out until tomorrow.
Gary, I was going to tell you.
I meant to you didn't give me a chance.
And what's going on here? You just moved in.
And now I'm moving out.
Phil's got a bigger place, a condo on the lake.
Three bedrooms.
Pritchard? After everything Do you even know him? No, Gary.
No, I just opened up the yellow pages closed my eyes, and picked a name.
Well, that would make a lot more sense.
Look, Gary, I know that you and Phil had problems working together.
He's a good man.
Oh, yeah, he's he's a a real prince.
MOVER: Excuse us.
Just have to get the couch.
What is it that you could possibly see in him? We're good together.
Phil and me, we fit.
Our lives, our careers.
We could really make a powerhouse.
My father thinks that he has one of the best Oh, your father.
Of course.
Of course, you you buy stocks from Phil.
You invest in Phil's company.
You're going to live with Phil for the rest of your life? And I love him.
Gary, what's really bothering you here? The man I'm going to marry or the fact that I'm getting married at all? Oh, no, don't turn this on me.
Excuse me.
Hate to interrupt, but your couch is too big.
You gotta take the door off.
Take the door off.
Let's go find a screwdriver, Manny.
You're right.
It's none of my business.
Be careful of the Meridian when you pack it.
The mast is loose.
Actually, I'm not taking this with me.
Oh, what? Phil doesn't like boats? There are some people who hate the water.
He doesn't? Gary Here.
You should take this.
You loved that trip.
I wish you the best of luck.
(grunts) (tapping lightly) Mr.
Hobson, Chuck Fishman just called to tell you he won't be able to make it.
Oh, that's great.
Thanks.
That's just my luck.
Hey, if you're interested, we do have a single here.
All right.
Yeah.
Want to do that? Okay.
(sighs) I didn't know you played squash.
Yeah, just picked it up again.
Trying to keep in shape.
You know, with the wedding coming up.
Ah.
Would you like to, uh, just hit, or you want to keep score? I think we should keep score.
You know, if you ever wanted to come back, we could always find a place for you.
Thanks.
I'll think about that.
Must be strange.
You know, your boss, your ex.
One, nil.
(sharp groan) Two, nil.
You know, after we're married me and Marcia we should all get together.
We'll have you over for dinner me and Marcia.
Oh, you got to see the condo.
Marcia loves the place.
Yeah, townhouse right on the lake.
Hell of a view.
You can see the whole city.
Yeah, what is that, one-two? And three bedrooms.
Plenty of room for kids.
(grunting) Wow, Pritchard, you okay? Son of a My nose.
You got to learn how to control your impulses.
It was an accident.
You really broke his nose? And a concussion.
Tell her about the concussion.
It was an accident.
Are you sure? What do you mean, am I sure? What do you think? I aimed at him? I couldn't even see his fat face.
Weasely, whiney voice yapping behind me.
Marcia this, Marcia that.
Condo on the lake.
What, you don't believe me? Come on, Gary.
Haven't you ever read Freud? There are no accidents.
This was no game of squash.
This was a textbook perverse Oedipal triangle.
Here we go.
Two father figures in a enclosed space fighting for the favors of the same woman using rackets.
Come on, people.
The symbolism is all here.
Huh? Look, Chuck, sometimes a racket's just a racket.
Sometimes, yes.
This time, no.
I don't think so.
Marcia's going to kill me.
Tell her it was an accident.
It was an accident! Yes.
Now, if you tell her like that, with that kind of conviction, then then she might believe you.
I'm going to get another.
Harrison, aren't you finished yet? Almost, Mr.
Pritchard.
Just give me what you got.
What is this? '94 and '95.
I don't want this.
I need '90 through '93.
But Mr.
Pritchard, that's what you asked for.
Don't give me what I asked for.
Give me what I need.
You're not going to leave till you're done.
'90 through '93.
I washed it, Mr.
P, just like you asked.
(cat meowing) (paper thuds against door) (meowing) I don't get it.
I feed you.
I put a roof over your head.
And you're still messing up my life.
(meows) Well, take your best shot, 'cause as far as I'm concerned, the game's over.
You win.
There's nothing else you can do to me.
And (meowing) You're making it up.
It's right here in black and white.
"Partner in brokerage firm found murdered late Tuesday night" "at the firm of Strauss and Associates" "Vice President Phillip Pritchard was shot dead.
"The bullet-riddled corpse was discovered "early the next morning "by his secretary.
"Trading was suspended "as grief-stricken Strauss and Associates employees "spent the day in mourning.
"Based on initial evidence, police suspect a disgruntled employee is responsible.
" Somebody's going to whack Pritchard.
I can't believe it took this long.
I don't want to do it.
Excuse me? I don't want to save him.
You don't wan You, Gary Hobson, Cub Scout to the world? There's not a reason in the world why I should.
The guy made my life miserable.
He makes everybody's life miserable.
Gary, listen.
He's marrying my wife.
Your ex-wife.
Ex.
Look, Gary, Gary, I know I'm the one who usually says, okay, let this person, this angel of mercy, do the world a favor by plugging Pritchard full of lead, but I know you.
I know your style.
You're not going to want to see Harrison, or any other sap, for that matter, go to the chair for offing Pritchard.
You got no choice.
TRADER: Tell him there's Nothing for you today, Mr.
Hobson.
What? No mail.
But, about that other thing (whispers): Misfiled mail.
Nothing yet.
But I'm on it.
Hobson.
Pritchard! Wait a second! Stay away from me, Hobson! Look, Pritchard, wait a second! Leave me alone! Stay away from me! I just need to talk to you a second! Leave me alone, Hobson! You need to hear this.
It's important.
I mean it! You're going to get hurt! Did you hear me? Someone's going to kill you today.
Don't you threaten me in my office, Hobson! Did I threaten him? CHUCK: Well, you know.
Well, yeah.
I got witnesses! Fishman, you out there? You hear this? Uh Yes, sir.
Every word.
What's this? Shingles.
I'm getting shingles 'cause of you, Hobson! You're going to hear from my lawyer! Get me building security.
Excuse me.
(dispatcher speaks over radio) You're excused.
I'm done.
I did everything I could.
I give up on the guy.
You did your best.
You know, I got plenty of people in here.
People who deserve to be saved.
"Food poisoning strikes restaurant.
with salmonella.
" There's my afternoon.
You want to give him a hand, you go right ahead, but I'm through.
I'm finished.
If I never see Phil Pritchard again, it'll be too soon.
(sizzling) Public is not allowed back here! This is my kitchen.
Out! I'm telling you, your chicken's bad.
You can't serve it.
You do not tell Henri what to serve! There is nothing wrong with my chicken! My chicken is good chicken! Robust chicken! Well, someone left your chicken out.
You're going to give these people salmonella.
Michel, was the chicken left out today? There you go.
Now you excuse me.
I have got a full house.
(sizzles) Ow! (elegant classical music plays) Well, I'll messenger the prospectus over this afternoon.
Just look at it.
No, it sounds perfect.
You know, our company specializes in high-tech companies, so it might be a good match.
Squash accident.
Oh, that.
I didn't even notice.
I'm not looking for any special favors.
Just know that, if you turn me down, the wedding's off.
(chuckles) Dad, no business.
Remember? No, it's okay, honey.
I don't mind.
Your father and I have a lot to talk about.
Now, what do you think of the escargot? GARY: He's lying.
He left the chicken out, and he doesn't want you to fire him.
Are you from the Department of Health? Well, no, I'm not from the Department Then you leave! Or would you like Michel to show you the door? Please, just look at the chicken.
Too late.
It's gone.
(dramatic tango playing) Here's to my beautiful fiancee and her amazing parents who have raised such a wonderful kid.
I'll take that.
Eh, what are you doing? Today, my life is complete.
They're bad! And I feel truly blessed.
(screaming) Help! Help me! Help me! Help! Help me! (gasps) No, not the brandy! (screaming) Help! My clothes are on fire! Help me! (weakly): Hobson.
That's what friends do, Chuck.
They bail each other out.
I know, Gare, but I'm sorry.
It's just that I'm not liquid right now.
It it's a temporary thing.
Temporary.
How temporary? A week.
A week? I tried to tell them it was your first public disturbance offense, but they wouldn't budge.
(door clangs) Gary Hobson, you made bail.
It's over.
My engagement.
Canceled.
Phil called the whole thing off.
Look, Marcia, I I'm sorry.
What are you apologizing for? It's not your fault.
Yes, it is.
It's my fault? Phil told me that he didn't want to get married if it meant that he had to spend the rest of his life looking over his shoulder for you.
Thank you very much.
He's scared of you, Gary.
It's those impulses, I'm telling you.
Look, Marcia, I didn't mean to hurt the guy.
It was a squash court.
It's a game.
In that restaurant, I'm telling y And why were you in that restaurant again, Gare? I don't know what you were doing there, but I know you, Gary.
You would never do anything to hurt anybody.
No, I wouldn't.
No, he wouldn't.
Go talk to Phil.
Talk? Marcia, I don't think the guy wants to see me.
You owe me.
I just bailed you out.
Let him know that you're not going to try and come after him.
Well, y He's a mess, Gary.
Please.
Well (phone rings) (keyboard clacking) Roger.
It's kind of late.
You should be getting home, huh? Take it to Pritchard.
He keeps me here till 10:00 every night.
Half of this stuff he never even reads.
Where is he? Is he here? You know, one of these days, someone should really teach him to treat his employees as human beings.
Roger, maybe you should go home and get some rest before something happens.
I know what you're planning on doing, Roger.
What? You heard I'm quitting? Wow! No secrets in this place.
You're quitting? Yeah.
I'm giving my notice tomorrow.
You know what convinced me? It was your friend Fishman.
Chuck? He was right.
I found the source of my stress.
This job.
I'm not cut out for it.
I'm going to go get a job in a bookstore.
I like books.
So you're not planning on hurting Pritchard? You kidding? Pritchard's not worth it.
(chuckles) I mean, you know what the Dalai Lama says? "All enemies are bound by the mastery of mind.
" Where is he? Where is Pritchard? I think I saw him head down to the parking lot.
Just before you got here Please, please please don't do this.
Oh, I see.
Suddenly it's "please," and it's "thank you.
" Now you're Mr.
Polite.
Well, now it's too late.
Help me, somebody! Whatever you want, Sam, it's yours.
Just name it, anything.
I want you to die.
(panting): Uh-huh.
Anything else? GARY: Hey, Sam.
PRITCHARD: Oh, Hobson.
I don't believe this.
Hi, Mr.
Hobson.
I hope you're not here about your mail.
Hey, Sam what are you doing? What does it look like? He's gonna kill me.
We're just having a little chat.
Sorry, it's kind of private.
PRITCHARD: Don't let him hurt me.
Just try and stay calm, would you? I'm not talking to you.
Don't let Hobson hurt me.
GARY: Hey, Sam.
Why don't you let him go, huh? (chuckles) Can't do it.
Can I, Mr.
Pritchard? Can't do it.
You know, every week I put in for a promotion.
Every week! All I want to do is trade stocks.
Well, Sam you got to work your way up.
I've been in the mailroom for nine years! Really? You know what I do in my spare time? I buy and sell stocks.
On paper; no money.
But I keep track I made $75,000 alone this month, on paper.
What? I never knew.
I had no idea.
That's right you have no idea, you have no clue, and I'm still in the mailroom! That's my life.
When's the last time you didn't get your Wall Street Journal? I-I don't know.
He doesn't know.
Never! You always get your Journal, every day! Even on Thursdays, when I wash your car! Even on Mondays, when-when I get your cleaning! So when's it my turn, Mr.
Pritchard? When's my shot?! You see, don't you? That's why I got to kill him.
Hey, Sam why don't you give me the gun? What? I-I'm not saying you got to let him go, I'm I'm just saying, give me the gun, huh? Look, if anybody should settle a score with this guy, it should be me.
Why? I worked for this guy two years.
Every single day, he let me know what a lousy job I'm doing.
Then my wife leaves me.
I'm having a hard time.
Pritchard here threatens to fire me! So I quit.
Then the day before yesterday, you know what I find out? My ex-wife is remarrying.
Guess who she's marrying? You're right you should shoot him.
No, don't do it.
It's a trick.
He's crazy! He's a lunatic! You had to listen to two years of that? That's verbal abuse.
I'm tired.
Look, Sam you know, why don't you take a break? I mean, I'm sure your job'll be here when you get back.
Won't it, Pritchard? Right, whatever you want.
Take a week, take a month, paid vacation.
I could take some classes.
Maybe get my broker's license.
Yeah, I don't see why not.
I'm sure Strauss and Associates, they'd pick up the bill.
Wouldn't they? Yeah, whatever you say.
Hey, Sam get some rest.
Hey, Sam.
Don't worry about the mail.
Oh, leave me alone, Hobson.
I promise I promise I'm not gonna marry Marcia.
I'll never speak to her again.
Wrong answer, Pritchard.
Now, you're gonna get on with your life, and I'm gonna get on with mine, but you will marry Marcia.
I will? You're gonna promise me you're gonna marry Marcia, or I'm gonna plug you full of holes! I promise I'll marry her! Now, can you untie me? And you're gonna treat her well.
Promise! I will.
I promise.
And every day you're gonna tell yourself you're the luckiest man alive, 'cause you don't deserve her, and she's far too good for you.
Say it! I'm the luckiest man alive, and I don't deserve her! All right, that's about it.
Thank you.
(panting) Can you help me up, please? (grunts) So I can just go? Uh, yeah.
Go on.
Hey, Pritchard, one more thing.
Maybe you should treat your employees with a little bit more respect, huh? Don't you push it, Hobson.
I don't need you to tell me how to run a business.
That stupid mailroom kid, he was just a bad apple.
Uh-huh.
My employees love me.
(car alarm beeps) (explosion) CHUCK: My good friend the Dalai Lama says that a wise man never feels out of place.
Of course, the Dalai Lama never went to his ex-wife's wedding.
I'm just so proud.
You know, I think I might cry.
Me, too.
So, she's a little late.
Marcia's never late.
CHUCK: People will surprise you every single time.
They will.
They're like the weather that way.
They'll change on you, give you no warning whatsoever.
She wasn't right for me.
She was getting into it for all the wrong reasons.
I should've seen it coming.
You never see it coming.
Still, I guess it's better I find out now rather than three or four years down the road.
Oh, absolutely.
In a way, I'm better off.
Not as invested.
Mm, that's right.
You get to move on.
You get closure.
I envy you, though.
You had the three or four years.
Did you ever see her dance? Oh, yeah.
Lots of times.
Hey, did she ever take you to that salsa joint? Yeah, once.
Couldn't keep up with her I wrenched my back.
Twisted my knee.
I really did love her.
Yeah, I know.
CHUCK: But even the experts can't predict the weather.
Ask three different experts, you get three different weather reports.
That's why you got to give people the benefit of the doubt.
'Cause no one, not even a guy who gets tomorrow's paper, knows everything that's gonna happen tomorrow.
(cat yowls)
Wrong and wrong.
Don't make me laugh, Freddy.
I blow my nose with overseas bank certificates.
Do you have to learn to be this stupid, or were you just born this way? (tires screech) What they don't tell you is that usually, this is a very good thing.
Hey, moron! Open your eyes! Next time I don't brake.
Truth is, you don't want to think too much, 'cause if you did, you'd realize that we are all this close to catastrophe, disaster, or heartbreak every minute of every day.
Buy a flower? No, thanks.
For your wife? No, I don't have one.
What's that? Looks like a wedding ring.
Souvenir.
Eddie! Eddie! Are you all right? Are you all right? Your first step before the breathing, before the chest thrusts, is this.
Make sure that the victim is, in fact, unconscious.
(coughing) Eddie, are you all right?! Are you? Harry? Harry? Hey One one thousand, two one thousand, three Hello.
DISPATCHER: Rescue Four Five, respond to injury accident Rescue 81 responding to the accident Ready? One, two, three.
(garbled radio transmissions) The trick is to assume your life is going to work out.
(siren wailing) Of course it never does.
So you do the next best thing you take it one disaster at a time.
(theme music playing) CHUCK: Man, you tricked me.
You promised me a pancake breakfast.
GARY: Look, just keep your pants on.
I got one more errand to run.
Oh, you and your errands.
All right.
Just so you know I want an apple pancake and real pork sausage, and I don't want to hear any crap about that talking pig.
Fine.
I just don't see how you can eat sausage after seeing that movie, that's all.
How? I hate that stupid pig.
I sat in that movie, and for 93 minutes all I could think about were sausage links and pork rinds.
GARY: There they are.
CHUCK: Who are those clowns? Those guys go swimming every morning.
Every morning?! They say it keeps them healthy.
November.
Freaks.
Well Oh I'm freezing with my jacket on.
I know.
Look at those bellies.
Hey, Frank? Uh Frank Levinson?! Yeah? Yeah.
No suits? Aren't you guys going in? We just ate.
Look, I don't think you want to go in either.
What? Why not? Because it's too cold, and if you go in, you It's not your day.
Too cold? I've been swimming every morning since the Nixon Administration.
This body can take it.
Yeah.
Look, Frank, go see your doctor today.
It's not too late.
He can help you.
But I'm telling you, don't go swimming.
You don't understand.
If I don't go, there's only nine.
So what? We need a minyan.
You got to be kidding me.
You guys are Orthodox Polar Bears? Yeah.
You got a problem with that, smart mouth? Look, Frank, I know.
Trust me.
Don't go in.
Please, Frank, you got to believe me.
Fine.
Fine.
You win.
I won't go in if he goes in my place.
Me? Oh, no.
You gotta be kidding me.
No, no.
It's against my religion.
Uh-huh.
I'm not going in.
You're going.
Nope.
N No, no, no.
Wait a minute.
Now, sto Hey! Listen to me! No, no, no.
I'm Gary! Gary No! No! CHUCK: My hair is frozen.
It hurts.
It's a block.
It'll thaw.
Just get me to that shower.
And you'd better have a clean towel.
Why is it that you're the one who gets the paper, and I'm the one who gets punished? Every time.
Every time.
Gary.
Marcia, what are you doing here? I wanted to talk to you.
Gary.
Keys.
Shower.
Freezing.
Oh.
Oh.
Marcia, it was a pleasure, as always.
I gotta say that for the first time today, I understand why you divorced this guy.
So, you want to tell me what you're doing here? I I just wanted to find out how you were doing.
How things were.
Oh.
Doing well.
Doing good.
You know doing good.
Uh, listen, Marcia I'm getting married, Gary.
That's why I came down here in person to tell you first.
So so when did, when uh, so when did this all happen? Just happened.
It was quick.
Huh.
So who is he? No, no, no, no.
You know, that That's a dumb question.
I shouldn't have asked.
Gary.
'Cause I understand that we're not married anymore and you don't have to clear it up through me, and it's a dumb question.
It doesn't matter, so (sighs) (elevator bell dings) Gary, you all right? Oh, yeah.
So you're happy for me? Oh, yeah.
So, who the hell is he? I thought it didn't matter.
I thought you were bigger than that.
CHUCK: Are you kidding? No man is that big.
Oh.
Are you all right? CHUCK: Yeah! He's great.
He's never been better.
Another man is marrying his wife.
I'm fine.
He probably wants to kill himself.
I just want to know who he is.
MARISSA: You know, Marcia's right.
It doesn't matter.
What matters is that now he can move on.
Move on? Yeah.
Gary does not know who this guy is.
For all he knows, she could be marrying the most successful, best-looking guy in the city, with the biggest Chuck.
Boat, the biggest boat a-a yacht on Lake Michigan.
It takes time, but he'll get over it.
The truth is Not if it's a Kennedy.
He'd never get over it if it was a Kennedy.
I know I wouldn't.
This is exactly what he needs closure.
CHUCK: Wrong.
What he needs is a martini and a date.
With a supermodel.
MARISSA: Oh, great.
That's your answer to everything.
Ask him yourself.
Gare, closure? Or a super model? I'll bet you two to one Guys! Thank you very much for all your input.
I'm fine.
I'm over it.
I'm good.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Touchy.
He's very touchy.
MARISSA: Very touchy.
All right, hypothetical question.
Ah! You see how he changed the subject? This is a man in pain.
MARISSA: Chuck.
Out of all the workers at your office, which one is most likely to flip out and do something rash? Harrison.
Harrison.
"An overworked stockbroker "at the firm of Straus and Associates "leapt to his death "from a 26th-floor window yesterday afternoon.
"The workers say Roger Harrison had been under a great deal "of stress at work.
" "Yesterday afternoon he typed a suicide note which "read, 'I leave this life.
It was all too much.
Tell my family' and distributed it to everyone on staff.
" "Without a word to anyone he shattered a window "on the 26th floor "of the high-rise, and moments later hurled himself to the street below.
" (yells) There's fat in every company.
Your job is to find it.
Employee morale is not a factor.
HARRISON: Pritchard, you suck! (echoing) (thud, glass shattering) It's dollars and cents, people.
(car horns honking) Now, is there any new business? "He leaves a wife and two children.
" I don't get it.
The market's doing so well.
No one jumps during a bull market.
What is this, Harrison? Yesterday's Internet providers Bolivian telephones This is garbage.
Mr.
Pritchard, you said you wanted this in both these I still have the memo.
I don't care about memos.
My mother can read memos.
What I care about is the small fortune you're costing me.
Quit slacking off.
I'm not here to entertain you, Bannerman.
Quit gawking and get back to work.
And Pincus, what did I tell you about these ties, huh? What did I tell you? Blues and browns only.
This isn't Miami.
I didn't think it was possible.
He's gotten worse.
SAM: Mr.
Hobson.
I haven't seen you around in a while.
Well, I know.
I haven't been here.
How are you, Sam? Great.
Did you hear about Teledyne? Up six today.
I called it.
Of course, no one asks me.
I don't think I have any mail for you today.
Strange you haven't been getting anything for a while.
I know.
Sam, I I haven't been working here.
Right.
I'll tell you what, I'll check downstairs.
Don't tell anybody, but sometimes mail gets misfiled.
You have anything for me, Sam? On your desk, Mr.
Fishman.
Thank you.
Let's go.
Hey, Rog, look.
Gary.
How are you, Rog? What are you doing here? Back on the job? No, no, no, just visiting.
Just visiting.
How is everything? Well, trying to keep my head above water.
I've been better.
Under a lot of stress, huh? Who isn't? But that's why I get paid the big bucks, right? You can't let the job ruin your life, Roger.
The job's not worth it.
No job is.
Thanks, Gary, but, uh I don't remember asking you for advice.
Gare, let me handle this.
Rog, you know what my good friend the Dalai Lama says about stress? You know the Dalai Lama? Well, I don't know "know" the Dalai Lama, but I read his books All right.
I read an article in People magazine.
Listen, guys, I got work to do.
The Dalai Lama says that a stressful life is like a river that's been poisoned, and you got to go upstream and find the source of that stress in your life, and then shut it off.
GARY: What Chuck's trying to say, I think, is that you don't want to make any, uh radical changes or rash decisions.
Like hurling yourself out a window.
Go upstream.
Upstream.
Thanks, guys.
I I mean uh that really helps what you said.
You have no idea.
No problem, Rog.
Hobson what are you doing here? How are you, Pritchard? Yeah.
What the hell are you up to? I just came to visit Roger, here.
Is that true? He was just visiting, Mr.
Pritchard, that's all.
Weren't looking for me? No.
Well, this isn't a hospital, Harrison.
We don't have visiting hours.
And as for you, as I recall, I fired you, Hobson.
No, actually I quit.
Yeah, well, it comes down to the same thing.
You're here now, and I could have you arrested for trespassing.
Fishman, do you still work here, or have I fired you yet for perpetual tardiness? As far as I know, I'm still under your employ, sir.
Good.
Walk him out.
Make sure he doesn't stop till he hits the sidewalk.
I was just telling him to leave, sir.
Hobson! And don't make an afternoon of it.
I can't believe I used to work for that jerk.
I'm surprised more people haven't jumped out of that place.
Hey, well, some of us still have to work there, remember? Thanks for helping me with Harris.
You, me, and the Dalai Lama.
What a team.
So what's next? Marcia.
You know, Marissa was right.
Well, that'd be a first.
About what? Closure.
I'm going to go talk to Marcia and give her my blessing.
That's right.
Be a bigger man.
Oh! That's okay.
I got it.
I got it.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
It can't be.
It is.
It's Pri Marcia's marrying Pritchard? MAN: I hope we got room for this.
Here I go.
Flip it.
WOMAN: Hey, Billy, are you coming? MAN: Uh, yeah, give me ten minutes.
What are you doing? I am packing.
No.
You know what I mean.
Pritchard.
Pritchard's the guy? He told you Well, I saw you your wedding announcement.
It wasn't supposed to come out until tomorrow.
Gary, I was going to tell you.
I meant to you didn't give me a chance.
And what's going on here? You just moved in.
And now I'm moving out.
Phil's got a bigger place, a condo on the lake.
Three bedrooms.
Pritchard? After everything Do you even know him? No, Gary.
No, I just opened up the yellow pages closed my eyes, and picked a name.
Well, that would make a lot more sense.
Look, Gary, I know that you and Phil had problems working together.
He's a good man.
Oh, yeah, he's he's a a real prince.
MOVER: Excuse us.
Just have to get the couch.
What is it that you could possibly see in him? We're good together.
Phil and me, we fit.
Our lives, our careers.
We could really make a powerhouse.
My father thinks that he has one of the best Oh, your father.
Of course.
Of course, you you buy stocks from Phil.
You invest in Phil's company.
You're going to live with Phil for the rest of your life? And I love him.
Gary, what's really bothering you here? The man I'm going to marry or the fact that I'm getting married at all? Oh, no, don't turn this on me.
Excuse me.
Hate to interrupt, but your couch is too big.
You gotta take the door off.
Take the door off.
Let's go find a screwdriver, Manny.
You're right.
It's none of my business.
Be careful of the Meridian when you pack it.
The mast is loose.
Actually, I'm not taking this with me.
Oh, what? Phil doesn't like boats? There are some people who hate the water.
He doesn't? Gary Here.
You should take this.
You loved that trip.
I wish you the best of luck.
(grunts) (tapping lightly) Mr.
Hobson, Chuck Fishman just called to tell you he won't be able to make it.
Oh, that's great.
Thanks.
That's just my luck.
Hey, if you're interested, we do have a single here.
All right.
Yeah.
Want to do that? Okay.
(sighs) I didn't know you played squash.
Yeah, just picked it up again.
Trying to keep in shape.
You know, with the wedding coming up.
Ah.
Would you like to, uh, just hit, or you want to keep score? I think we should keep score.
You know, if you ever wanted to come back, we could always find a place for you.
Thanks.
I'll think about that.
Must be strange.
You know, your boss, your ex.
One, nil.
(sharp groan) Two, nil.
You know, after we're married me and Marcia we should all get together.
We'll have you over for dinner me and Marcia.
Oh, you got to see the condo.
Marcia loves the place.
Yeah, townhouse right on the lake.
Hell of a view.
You can see the whole city.
Yeah, what is that, one-two? And three bedrooms.
Plenty of room for kids.
(grunting) Wow, Pritchard, you okay? Son of a My nose.
You got to learn how to control your impulses.
It was an accident.
You really broke his nose? And a concussion.
Tell her about the concussion.
It was an accident.
Are you sure? What do you mean, am I sure? What do you think? I aimed at him? I couldn't even see his fat face.
Weasely, whiney voice yapping behind me.
Marcia this, Marcia that.
Condo on the lake.
What, you don't believe me? Come on, Gary.
Haven't you ever read Freud? There are no accidents.
This was no game of squash.
This was a textbook perverse Oedipal triangle.
Here we go.
Two father figures in a enclosed space fighting for the favors of the same woman using rackets.
Come on, people.
The symbolism is all here.
Huh? Look, Chuck, sometimes a racket's just a racket.
Sometimes, yes.
This time, no.
I don't think so.
Marcia's going to kill me.
Tell her it was an accident.
It was an accident! Yes.
Now, if you tell her like that, with that kind of conviction, then then she might believe you.
I'm going to get another.
Harrison, aren't you finished yet? Almost, Mr.
Pritchard.
Just give me what you got.
What is this? '94 and '95.
I don't want this.
I need '90 through '93.
But Mr.
Pritchard, that's what you asked for.
Don't give me what I asked for.
Give me what I need.
You're not going to leave till you're done.
'90 through '93.
I washed it, Mr.
P, just like you asked.
(cat meowing) (paper thuds against door) (meowing) I don't get it.
I feed you.
I put a roof over your head.
And you're still messing up my life.
(meows) Well, take your best shot, 'cause as far as I'm concerned, the game's over.
You win.
There's nothing else you can do to me.
And (meowing) You're making it up.
It's right here in black and white.
"Partner in brokerage firm found murdered late Tuesday night" "at the firm of Strauss and Associates" "Vice President Phillip Pritchard was shot dead.
"The bullet-riddled corpse was discovered "early the next morning "by his secretary.
"Trading was suspended "as grief-stricken Strauss and Associates employees "spent the day in mourning.
"Based on initial evidence, police suspect a disgruntled employee is responsible.
" Somebody's going to whack Pritchard.
I can't believe it took this long.
I don't want to do it.
Excuse me? I don't want to save him.
You don't wan You, Gary Hobson, Cub Scout to the world? There's not a reason in the world why I should.
The guy made my life miserable.
He makes everybody's life miserable.
Gary, listen.
He's marrying my wife.
Your ex-wife.
Ex.
Look, Gary, Gary, I know I'm the one who usually says, okay, let this person, this angel of mercy, do the world a favor by plugging Pritchard full of lead, but I know you.
I know your style.
You're not going to want to see Harrison, or any other sap, for that matter, go to the chair for offing Pritchard.
You got no choice.
TRADER: Tell him there's Nothing for you today, Mr.
Hobson.
What? No mail.
But, about that other thing (whispers): Misfiled mail.
Nothing yet.
But I'm on it.
Hobson.
Pritchard! Wait a second! Stay away from me, Hobson! Look, Pritchard, wait a second! Leave me alone! Stay away from me! I just need to talk to you a second! Leave me alone, Hobson! You need to hear this.
It's important.
I mean it! You're going to get hurt! Did you hear me? Someone's going to kill you today.
Don't you threaten me in my office, Hobson! Did I threaten him? CHUCK: Well, you know.
Well, yeah.
I got witnesses! Fishman, you out there? You hear this? Uh Yes, sir.
Every word.
What's this? Shingles.
I'm getting shingles 'cause of you, Hobson! You're going to hear from my lawyer! Get me building security.
Excuse me.
(dispatcher speaks over radio) You're excused.
I'm done.
I did everything I could.
I give up on the guy.
You did your best.
You know, I got plenty of people in here.
People who deserve to be saved.
"Food poisoning strikes restaurant.
with salmonella.
" There's my afternoon.
You want to give him a hand, you go right ahead, but I'm through.
I'm finished.
If I never see Phil Pritchard again, it'll be too soon.
(sizzling) Public is not allowed back here! This is my kitchen.
Out! I'm telling you, your chicken's bad.
You can't serve it.
You do not tell Henri what to serve! There is nothing wrong with my chicken! My chicken is good chicken! Robust chicken! Well, someone left your chicken out.
You're going to give these people salmonella.
Michel, was the chicken left out today? There you go.
Now you excuse me.
I have got a full house.
(sizzles) Ow! (elegant classical music plays) Well, I'll messenger the prospectus over this afternoon.
Just look at it.
No, it sounds perfect.
You know, our company specializes in high-tech companies, so it might be a good match.
Squash accident.
Oh, that.
I didn't even notice.
I'm not looking for any special favors.
Just know that, if you turn me down, the wedding's off.
(chuckles) Dad, no business.
Remember? No, it's okay, honey.
I don't mind.
Your father and I have a lot to talk about.
Now, what do you think of the escargot? GARY: He's lying.
He left the chicken out, and he doesn't want you to fire him.
Are you from the Department of Health? Well, no, I'm not from the Department Then you leave! Or would you like Michel to show you the door? Please, just look at the chicken.
Too late.
It's gone.
(dramatic tango playing) Here's to my beautiful fiancee and her amazing parents who have raised such a wonderful kid.
I'll take that.
Eh, what are you doing? Today, my life is complete.
They're bad! And I feel truly blessed.
(screaming) Help! Help me! Help me! Help! Help me! (gasps) No, not the brandy! (screaming) Help! My clothes are on fire! Help me! (weakly): Hobson.
That's what friends do, Chuck.
They bail each other out.
I know, Gare, but I'm sorry.
It's just that I'm not liquid right now.
It it's a temporary thing.
Temporary.
How temporary? A week.
A week? I tried to tell them it was your first public disturbance offense, but they wouldn't budge.
(door clangs) Gary Hobson, you made bail.
It's over.
My engagement.
Canceled.
Phil called the whole thing off.
Look, Marcia, I I'm sorry.
What are you apologizing for? It's not your fault.
Yes, it is.
It's my fault? Phil told me that he didn't want to get married if it meant that he had to spend the rest of his life looking over his shoulder for you.
Thank you very much.
He's scared of you, Gary.
It's those impulses, I'm telling you.
Look, Marcia, I didn't mean to hurt the guy.
It was a squash court.
It's a game.
In that restaurant, I'm telling y And why were you in that restaurant again, Gare? I don't know what you were doing there, but I know you, Gary.
You would never do anything to hurt anybody.
No, I wouldn't.
No, he wouldn't.
Go talk to Phil.
Talk? Marcia, I don't think the guy wants to see me.
You owe me.
I just bailed you out.
Let him know that you're not going to try and come after him.
Well, y He's a mess, Gary.
Please.
Well (phone rings) (keyboard clacking) Roger.
It's kind of late.
You should be getting home, huh? Take it to Pritchard.
He keeps me here till 10:00 every night.
Half of this stuff he never even reads.
Where is he? Is he here? You know, one of these days, someone should really teach him to treat his employees as human beings.
Roger, maybe you should go home and get some rest before something happens.
I know what you're planning on doing, Roger.
What? You heard I'm quitting? Wow! No secrets in this place.
You're quitting? Yeah.
I'm giving my notice tomorrow.
You know what convinced me? It was your friend Fishman.
Chuck? He was right.
I found the source of my stress.
This job.
I'm not cut out for it.
I'm going to go get a job in a bookstore.
I like books.
So you're not planning on hurting Pritchard? You kidding? Pritchard's not worth it.
(chuckles) I mean, you know what the Dalai Lama says? "All enemies are bound by the mastery of mind.
" Where is he? Where is Pritchard? I think I saw him head down to the parking lot.
Just before you got here Please, please please don't do this.
Oh, I see.
Suddenly it's "please," and it's "thank you.
" Now you're Mr.
Polite.
Well, now it's too late.
Help me, somebody! Whatever you want, Sam, it's yours.
Just name it, anything.
I want you to die.
(panting): Uh-huh.
Anything else? GARY: Hey, Sam.
PRITCHARD: Oh, Hobson.
I don't believe this.
Hi, Mr.
Hobson.
I hope you're not here about your mail.
Hey, Sam what are you doing? What does it look like? He's gonna kill me.
We're just having a little chat.
Sorry, it's kind of private.
PRITCHARD: Don't let him hurt me.
Just try and stay calm, would you? I'm not talking to you.
Don't let Hobson hurt me.
GARY: Hey, Sam.
Why don't you let him go, huh? (chuckles) Can't do it.
Can I, Mr.
Pritchard? Can't do it.
You know, every week I put in for a promotion.
Every week! All I want to do is trade stocks.
Well, Sam you got to work your way up.
I've been in the mailroom for nine years! Really? You know what I do in my spare time? I buy and sell stocks.
On paper; no money.
But I keep track I made $75,000 alone this month, on paper.
What? I never knew.
I had no idea.
That's right you have no idea, you have no clue, and I'm still in the mailroom! That's my life.
When's the last time you didn't get your Wall Street Journal? I-I don't know.
He doesn't know.
Never! You always get your Journal, every day! Even on Thursdays, when I wash your car! Even on Mondays, when-when I get your cleaning! So when's it my turn, Mr.
Pritchard? When's my shot?! You see, don't you? That's why I got to kill him.
Hey, Sam why don't you give me the gun? What? I-I'm not saying you got to let him go, I'm I'm just saying, give me the gun, huh? Look, if anybody should settle a score with this guy, it should be me.
Why? I worked for this guy two years.
Every single day, he let me know what a lousy job I'm doing.
Then my wife leaves me.
I'm having a hard time.
Pritchard here threatens to fire me! So I quit.
Then the day before yesterday, you know what I find out? My ex-wife is remarrying.
Guess who she's marrying? You're right you should shoot him.
No, don't do it.
It's a trick.
He's crazy! He's a lunatic! You had to listen to two years of that? That's verbal abuse.
I'm tired.
Look, Sam you know, why don't you take a break? I mean, I'm sure your job'll be here when you get back.
Won't it, Pritchard? Right, whatever you want.
Take a week, take a month, paid vacation.
I could take some classes.
Maybe get my broker's license.
Yeah, I don't see why not.
I'm sure Strauss and Associates, they'd pick up the bill.
Wouldn't they? Yeah, whatever you say.
Hey, Sam get some rest.
Hey, Sam.
Don't worry about the mail.
Oh, leave me alone, Hobson.
I promise I promise I'm not gonna marry Marcia.
I'll never speak to her again.
Wrong answer, Pritchard.
Now, you're gonna get on with your life, and I'm gonna get on with mine, but you will marry Marcia.
I will? You're gonna promise me you're gonna marry Marcia, or I'm gonna plug you full of holes! I promise I'll marry her! Now, can you untie me? And you're gonna treat her well.
Promise! I will.
I promise.
And every day you're gonna tell yourself you're the luckiest man alive, 'cause you don't deserve her, and she's far too good for you.
Say it! I'm the luckiest man alive, and I don't deserve her! All right, that's about it.
Thank you.
(panting) Can you help me up, please? (grunts) So I can just go? Uh, yeah.
Go on.
Hey, Pritchard, one more thing.
Maybe you should treat your employees with a little bit more respect, huh? Don't you push it, Hobson.
I don't need you to tell me how to run a business.
That stupid mailroom kid, he was just a bad apple.
Uh-huh.
My employees love me.
(car alarm beeps) (explosion) CHUCK: My good friend the Dalai Lama says that a wise man never feels out of place.
Of course, the Dalai Lama never went to his ex-wife's wedding.
I'm just so proud.
You know, I think I might cry.
Me, too.
So, she's a little late.
Marcia's never late.
CHUCK: People will surprise you every single time.
They will.
They're like the weather that way.
They'll change on you, give you no warning whatsoever.
She wasn't right for me.
She was getting into it for all the wrong reasons.
I should've seen it coming.
You never see it coming.
Still, I guess it's better I find out now rather than three or four years down the road.
Oh, absolutely.
In a way, I'm better off.
Not as invested.
Mm, that's right.
You get to move on.
You get closure.
I envy you, though.
You had the three or four years.
Did you ever see her dance? Oh, yeah.
Lots of times.
Hey, did she ever take you to that salsa joint? Yeah, once.
Couldn't keep up with her I wrenched my back.
Twisted my knee.
I really did love her.
Yeah, I know.
CHUCK: But even the experts can't predict the weather.
Ask three different experts, you get three different weather reports.
That's why you got to give people the benefit of the doubt.
'Cause no one, not even a guy who gets tomorrow's paper, knows everything that's gonna happen tomorrow.
(cat yowls)