Eastwick s01e10 Episode Script

Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
You know when you have to keep hitting your snooze button Because you just don't want to face the fact That you spent four years in journalism school Only to work in a dank bar that is nothing like coyote ugly And no one's even reading your stupid blog, Not even your own mother And the last guy you slept with was gay and married, And you'll probably end up dying fat and alone, And your cat will gnaw your face off Mm.
Mm.
And they'll have to use dental records to identify you, And the only relief that you get from the sad existence That is your life is the five stolen minutes That is the sweet, sweet oblivion of sleep? Totally.
Hey, guys! Sorry I'm late.
It is such a gorgeous morning! Isn't it a gorgeous morning? It so cold and invigorating! why are you so chipper? Thank you.
I did it.
I finally did it.
I healed greta in the hospital last night using my magical powers.
she was on death's door, And I laid my hands on her, and boom, she's alive! I know.
She went back to new york this morning, Fully recovered, because of me, little old me.
Wow! I know! I know.
I mean, it was so emotional and amazing.
And I mean, I barely got any sleep last night And now I'm freakin' exhausted, but I don't care, Because I am potent and mighty! I'm proud of you, sweetie.
You're finally embracing The fact that you're a freak, like us.
Wait.
We're not-- we're not freaks.
Come on.
We're Freakish? We're freak-adjacent.
Okay, fine.
So what if we are freaks? we are freakin' awesome! what's that? Oh.
Uh, see, while your magical powers Allow you to heal the world, mine just show me All the horrible things that are gonna happen in the future, Which I am powerless to stop.
You're gonna knife someone? Or be knifed.
I don't know.
I keep having visions of this dagger dripping with blood.
I don't know whose, I don't know how, But someone's getting stabbed.
So that should be fun.
Well, maybe it's not blood.
Maybe, uh, maybe it's just ketcp, And maybe you're gonna use that dagger to cut a sandwich.
On that note, I'm gonna go open the bar So that scabby jim can pinch my ass and not tip me.
oh.
Yeah, that's right.
I have a regular named scabby jim.
Life is good.
bye.
Life is good.
See ya.
Bye.
Whoo! Jamie.
Hey, rox.
Hey.
Ah, it's a lovely day, isn't it? Ah, by the way, I fixed the wobbly shelf in your shop.
It's good as new.
And I brought you a muffin.
Thank you.
Look at us.
We're such good neighbors, We should be in an international coffee commercial.
Oh, by the way, Your friend bun was by the shop earlier to see you.
She was? And you let her in? And then you two were talking, you and bun? Oh, god, I'm sorry.
Um, should I not have opened the door? No, no, it's fine.
It's just--the truth is, I've been dying to get you two together for a while now.
Really? Why is that? Well, I don't know if I should be the one to tell you this, But what the hell? Bun's your mother, Your long-lost mother who put you up for adoption.
Roxie, bun's not my mother.
Yes, she is.
No, you're mistaken.
Bun knew my mother, But she's definitely not my mother.
My mother's name was gloria spofford.
She died 25 years ago.
Are you sure? How do you know? I've done extensive research since I've been here.
I've even spoken to bun about her.
jamie, I'm so sorry for you toave to come all this way Only to find out that she's-- I know.
I know.
But I-I-I-- there is a silver lining.
Um, I found out who my real father is.
That's great.
Who is it? Well, you might not believe this, But it's darryl van horne.
What? You're kidding.
No.
Uh, he and my mother had a brief affair back in the '80s.
My darryl van horne? Uh, our darryl van-- this darryl van horne? Yes.
Is your father? He is.
Does he know about you? No.
I mean, I don't believe so, anyway.
Wow.
I-I mean, I' been trying to figure out a way to talk to him, But I find him rather intimidating, to say the least.
I tried to speak to him at your art show, But I just couldn't bring myself.
You know, what if he rejects me? Jamie, I know darryl, and he may be a lot of things, But I don't think he would reject his own son.
Well, still, I-I just don't think I can take the risk.
Okay, well, how about this-- How about if I get you two to dinner at my house? Could be the buffer.
That way, you wouldn't have To feel so nervous.
He w't feeso ambushed.
Well, he'll feel a little bit ambushed, but it'll be great.
We'll eat, we'll drink, we'll sit, we'll talk, We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll hug.
You'd really do that for me? You're my friend, jamie, and--and darryl's my friend.
And I would do anything for a friend.
Thank you, roxie, really, from the bottom of my heart.
You're welcome.
God, I suddenly feel a little nervous.
No, don't.
It'll be great.
Well? Oh, I'm in.
It was almost too easy.
Don't get cocky, kid.
You screwed this up once before.
Yeah, well, I won't screw it up again.
Trust me.
I know exactly what I need to do.
Tonight, unless she wants me to kill her, Roxie's gonna kill darryl van horne.
Captioned by closed captioning services, inc.
So do you think he's ever gonna call me? why don't you just call him? - Because I haven't talked to him since our fight, Which was his fault, and I don't want him to think I'm just sitting around, mooning over him, Fantasizing about his perfect little man nipples Anndering when in the hell he's ever gonna call me.
Dear god! Okay, sweetie, look, I think the lesson here is That men suck, and we don't need them.
We have each other, and that's what matters.
I mean, we can--we can wallow in our misery together.
You're gonna feel a whole lot better When you just accept that he's not gonna call.
Oh, my god.
It's him.
hello? Oh, jamie.
Yeah, of course I yes, I remember you.
You want me to come over there right now? no, no, no.
Tell him that you're busy.
He made you wait.
You make him wait.
okay.
you know what? Um, can't.
Busy.
Good.
Yeah, stay strong.
Okay, great.
I'll see you in four minutes.
Bye.
What the hell just happened? I'm not strong.
I'm horny.
See you later, jojo.
Good-bye.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey there, sunshine.
- Ass face.
I have a question for you.
Yes, you do look like a total jerk hole in that sweater.
are you seriously still holding a grudge? I-I thought we bonded.
I saved your best friend's.
Mm, no, I did.
And kat did and roxie did.
You just helped A little.
Still, I'd say you owe me one.
Wow.
You stole my job, you ripped off my ory, And now you want me to do you a favor? You have a lot of nerve.
of course I do.
That's how I got my pulitzer.
Sorry.
Couldn't hear you over my gag reflex.
Have you ever heard of a woman named gloria spofford? She was murdered here in eastwick 25 years ago.
I can't hear you, max.
I've got an air supply album on In my head right now, so Her naked body was found in the middle of town square.
The word "witch" was carved into her forehead.
It's a very famous unsolved case.
And I'm gonna solve it.
J-joanna.
Stop it.
Me on.
There are very few stories in this town, But this--this is the big one.
All right? No one has been able to crack it, Until you and I got on the case.
As you've mentioned several thousand times, You have a pulitzer.
Yeah.
Why the hell would you need me? because.
Not a damn person in this town will talk to me about it.
Well, of course not.
You're obnoxious, you're a stranger, And nobody likes you.
Right, which is where you come in.
I've watched you, and there's something about you.
You've got a way of making people talk.
Really? You've watched me? From a detached, professional distance, Yes.
Seems like maximillian's got himself a little crush On the old jojo.
Here's the deal-- Uh.
We split everything down the middle, 60/40.
Bite me.
I want a written contract, And I'm in the byline first.
Would you enjoy a kidney as well? Take it or leave it, friend.
You're the one who needs a job.
I've got a job And a blog.
Fine.
50 50.
I still hate you.
Duly noted.
What do we got? Skateboarding accident.
Unconscious 20 minutes.
Oh.
Nurse gardener, get him upstairs for an m.
R.
I.
Okay.
oh, my god.
It's my fault.
He was showing me a trick.
He fell.
He hit his head on the curb.
Okay, we'll take good care of him.
Oh, kiddo, you poor thing.
What happened? You got hurt.
But you're all better now.
How many hobbies do you have? Well, I'm surprised to see you here.
Last time you were in my house.
I believe you were fleeing my bed Because I had the nerve to support your art career.
And I'm sorry about that.
I may have overreacted just a teeny bit.
So why don't you come to dinner tomorrow And let me make it up to you? Mm.
Will y be on the menu? The menu will include chicken And a surprise.
You're our lucky charm tonight, gardener.
oh, my god! Hi.
Last night was amazing.
I have never seen jamie so just like fired up.
yes, I can see that.
What are you talking about? U have sex hair.
Oh, I know.
And I love it.
Wait a minute.
What are you doing here? Are we supposed to have coffee or something? Oh, no.
I'm here to see max.
We're working on a story together.
Oh.
Now I get it.
You get what? Why you don't have your glasses on and why your hair is down Anwhy you're wearing a boob blouse.
you have a crush on him.
I do not! Don't be embarrassed.
He's very cute.
He's annoying.
Mm-hmm.
And you're blushing.
I'm not blushing.
Oh, really? Why are you blushing? I'm not! Oh.
Can we just get to work, please? Have fun.
That's a nice blouse.
Thanks.
It's old.
So what do you have for me on the gloria spofford case? Ah, my research so far.
Wow.
That is good work.
I mean, you really cracked the case wide open.
Look, it's a start.
It's a date.
The date of her death.
That's weird.
What's weird? She was killed on August 3rd, 1984-- That's the same day that sebastian hart was killed.
Who? Local millionaire.
Drowned in a tragic fishing accident.
oh, right.
Of course.
Uh, sebastian hart--you think he faked his own death And then changed his name to darryl van horne, and so Wrote a story about it, and that's why you got fired.
Your hairline's receding.
You think the two deaths are connected somehow? What do the police reports say? I tried to get my hands on them.
Oh.
But sheriff teaser wouldn't let me see it.
He said it wasn't part of the public record And he wasn't gonna show it to me.
See? This is why you need me.
I have vays of making people talk.
Watch me get that report.
we have the need for speed.
Let's go, em.
Grab that backpack.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
mommy! Wait.
I-I-I thought you were taking the kids to school.
Em forgot her backpack, And r.
J.
's sick.
's the deal with the hair? What are you talking about? It looks like it's time for a dye job.
You, uh, going gray or What? Whoa! Yikes.
That's weird.
Mrs.
Neff will be here in an hour to look after r.
J.
, But now I'm late for work, so you take them to school? Oh, ray, I just got off a 12-hour shift.
Yeah, and I'm about to start one, so I really gotta go.
Oh, and, uh, em's wearing the hat Because she's got gum in her hair.
See you later.
Bye.
Yeah.
R.
J.
, come here, baby.
You're not feeling well? I'm 102.
5.
Ohh.
Oh, mommy's a little dizzy herself.
Okay, open up.
Hey, you do feel pretty hot.
Okay.
You know what? Let me try something.
Um, close your eyes and let's take your temperature again.
Well, would you look at that? was wrong, huh? how do you feel? Better, mom.
Yay! okay.
All right, guys, come on.
School time.
Let's get in the car.
Let me get my purse.
I'll be there in a second.
go! Watch and learn, hotshot.
Hey, sheriff.
How you doing? How's elaine? How's little clementine? As good as new and back in school.
Did she get over the chicken pox yet? What can I do for you, miss frankel? Well, I'm working on a story-- It's about the old gloria spofford murder-- And I was wondering if I could take a quick look-see At the police report.
Sorry.
Like I told your friend here the other day, It's a sealed report.
Oh, yeah, but you know how the old phrase goes-- "seals were made to be broken.
" That's not a phrase.
It's not? Look, I can't show you that report without a court order.
But You suppose that you can bend the rules.
Just this once.
I suppose I can bend the rules just this once.
Excellent.
Follow me.
Come on, max.
Wow.
no, really, you know Oh, god, I feel like I'm gonna pass out.
So What are you thinking? Fruition.
Uh, I don't get it.
Well, when you wait years for something And it finally happens, It's a rather satisfying feeling.
So you mean you've waited years for me? Among other things.
Hey.
Hmm? Look, I want you to know, If anything ever happens to me, I really do care about you.
What do you-- what do you mean, If anything were to ever happen to you? Oh, nothing.
I'm sorry.
I'm just a little scattered.
I have something very important that I'm gonna do tonight, Something th was wrong is gonna be made right.
I just can't wait for it to happen.
What are you gonna do? Could you give us a minute alone, please? I can't leave you two here alone.
Sure, you can.
It's okay.
You know what? I'm gonna leave you two alone.
Wh-- All right, how do you do that? I don't know what you're talking about.
I swear, any chick with a halfway decent rack Gets away with murder.
You know, I find that incredibly insulting.
My rack is not halfway decent.
It's awesome.
Yeah.
Look, according to this, she was found naked in the fountain By a jogger at 6:00 a.
M.
In the morning of August 3rd.
Uh, someone had carved the word "witch" into-- tell me something I don't already know.
Aha! Okay, look at this-- "cause of death was found to be acute septicemia.
" Whoa.
She was poisoned? Oh, by something called "bloodroot.
" Also "the victim's blood show elevated levels Of progesterone and oxytocin.
" whoa.
She was pregnant? no, it doesn't mention anything about a fetus.
Well, that means she must have Already had the baby.
Which might be connected to the murder.
So if we find out what happened to that kid Maybe we can find out what really happened to gloria.
Am I crazy, or did we just have a moment? You're crazy.
What are you doing? I'm taking the file.
Wh--and you say I'm a thief? I am not stealing.
I'm just borrowing.
There is a difference.
Let's go.
Nice.
Mmm! Something smells good.
Chicn parm, my specialty.
I don't know how easy that'sonna be To eat off your naked body, but we will try.
Three.
Is mia joining us for dinner? No, no.
Mia's on a ski trip with justine.
This is not an ambush.
It's a surprise.
Hello.
Hi.
What the hell is going on here? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Everybody--I want everybody to sit down at the table right now.
Go.
Please sit at the table.
Aah! Aah! Daddy's okay.
Daddy is okay.
Kat? Kat?! What? What? Aww! What? What? Oh, god.
I must have fallen asleep.
Oh, I gotta go.
I'm working the night shift.
Ooh.
Okay, kids, who's ready to go to grandma's, huh? No, daddy.
We didn't have dinner yet.
Okay, well, we'll stop on the way For extra special burgers and fries, okay? Let's go.
Hurry up, guys.
Get in the car.
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Oh, crap! ugh! What the hell is going on here, kat? I'm tired.
I think I'm coming down with something.
Are you on drugs? Raymond, I fell asleep.
I've been working my ass off.
Come on.
You know you could have burned the house down? Don't be so dramatic.
Everything is fine.
How is this fine? Oh, right, I mess up once in ten years, And suddenly you're father of the year? Just get it together, okay?! I am not kid Or else.
Or else what? Or else I really will sue you, kat.
I will sue you for full custody, and I will win.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Oh, yeah? And why not? Because you'll make me mad.
And when I get mad, things start to get very, very cold.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Are you freaking crazy?! What? Don't do that.
Do not act all innocent, kat.
You know that that was you.
Wait.
You think that I made icicles Magically fall on your head? Which one of us sounds crazy now, ray? I know it was you, kat.
I know that the lightning was you.
And--and the wind that almost killed my date And that freaking earthquake! Oh, yeah? Well, tell that to the judge.
I'm sure you'll get custody.
I'm warning you, kat.
You pull something like that again, I swear to god, I'm gonna-- and you'll what? Don't mess with me, ray, Because if you do, I will mess youp right back.
Okay.
Thanks a lot for your help.
well, there was another dead end.
It looks like there's no record Of gloria giving birth at eastwick county.
Well, maybe she miscarried.
Or Maybe she hid the pregnancy From a jealous husband who couldn't father a child, Because she'd gotten knocked up by a longshoreman Who was just passing through town.
And then she had the baby, Secretly, in the basement of her church.
And when the husband found out, he bludgeoned her to death.
And to cover it up, he made it look like A charles manson thing, and then he carved "witch" Into her forehead before taking the baby And moving to delaware to start a new life.
Why delaware? It seems like a pretty great place to raise a kid.
Eh.
Or Maybe it was some kind of weird charles manson thing, Like a satanic ritual.
All right.
A bunch of cultists kidnapped gloria And--and sacrificed the baby in a ritualistic ceremony, Maybe even served him At dinner.
Yeah.
That's really plausible.
Yeah.
Okay, we're getting nowhere here.
This baby thing is a dead end.
Ooh! Ooh! I have an idea.
What are you doing? My roommate at harvard Puke.
Was pre-med, And he aced every single chemistry exam he ever took By sleeping with his notes on top of his body.
yeah, is, uh, it's like osmosis.
It's scientific.
Hey now.
Wh-what are you doing? Shh.
What is it? She was branded.
Branded? Yeah, like a cow.
See? Ha! I was right.
Satanic ritual.
No, thisweird.
Roxie had a vision That jamie had this same symbol branded onto his hip.
She had a what? Uh, uh, nothing.
Uh, just forget it.
I bet she did this to herself.
Why would somebody brand themselves? God, I don't know.
I-I have no idea.
I don't even know what this symbol means.
I know who someone who would, though.
Who? Nah, forget it.
She's a crazy old lady.
The last time I tried to ask her questions, She pulled a gun on me.
Sweet! I like a little danger.
And the older ladies love me.
Come on.
So, you know, darryl, jamie's from England.
Yes, I'm from london, actually.
Really? I would have figured new jersey.
Darryl.
What? It's a joke.
I do have family roots in eastwick, though.
Fascinating.
Would you mind checking on the cobbler, jamie? Sure.
Be nice to him.
Look, I'm sorry, but I'm-- I'm finding it a bit difficult To understand why you invited me to an intimate candlelit dinner For which you already had a date.
He's not a date.
He's a friend.
And the reason I invited you is not up to me to tell, But it's a good one, and I hope you like it.
Oh, the cobbler looks good.
Ooh.
Cobbler.
see? There it is.
Huh.
Looks vaguely celtic.
Whoa! Can I just ask-- What the hell do you think you're doing? Eleanor, hi.
Joanna frankel.
Remember me? Yes, the perky squirrel.
W-we're from the "eastwick gazette.
" Uh, well, I am.
She's from the greasy stool.
shut up.
But we just want to ask you a few questions a-about Gloria spofford's murder.
Really? Well, then come on in.
Don't be shy.
What are you waiting for? When he comes back from the bathroom, just tell him.
I'm sorry.
I'm just nervs.
Don't be nervous.
It'll be great.
I'll be here.
Don't worry.
Darryl.
Would you like some more Cobbler? Uh, no, thanks.
And I-I really hate to cut short a perfectly dull evening, But I've got to go home and clean out a sock drawer.
You can't go.
Why not? Just stay.
It's--it's important to me.
Fine.
I asked roxie to organize this evening So I could tell you a story, mr.
Van horne.
Yeah, my life story, actually.
Oh, great! I was born in eastwick, you know? At 3 weeks old, I was adopted and sent to live in England.
Then when I was 16, I received a letter from an old friend of my mother's.
And this letter-- it contained my family history, Including the real names of both my parents.
Who fell in love with a young, wealthy, charismatic businessman Who was passing through town.
And soon after, I was conceived.
Uh Uh, let me guess.
Do you really need to? I'm not your father, kid.
Excuse me? Darryl, at least let him finish.
Oh, roxie, please.
This isn't the first con artist Who's tried to claim some kind of family connection In order to extract a piece of my fortune.
I haven't fallen for it before.
I'm not about to fall for it now.
No, you are my father.
You know something, sonny, if you have issues About your upbringing, I suggest that you talk To somebody who cares, like your mother, maybe.
Myother? My mother's dead.
Mm.
I am so sorry for your loss.
No, you should be.
You're the one who killed her, you son of a bitch! What the hell is wrong with you, jamie? - I would put down the phone, roxie.
- Bite me! I said, put it down! Now sit down and let me explain.
Darryl van horne is not what he seems.
He is an evil, evil man! Oh, my god.
Listen to me.
He murdered my mother in cold blood.
He had this coming.
please.
He's bleeding so much.
Please, could I call the hospital? He's not dead.
He can't die! I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Oh, you do.
You feel it, too, don't you? I know you do.
He's not of this world.
He's shing else, something wrong-- Something which shouldn't exist, enticing, evil.
you're insane.
And I know what you are, roxie.
Oh, yeah.
See, you're not like other people, are you? You have a gift.
That's why he came back.
He comes to people like you.
You wish for him, and he comes, because you make him stronger.
But in the end, you mean nothing to him, And if you stop being of use, He'll kill you, like he did her.
Roxie, please listen to me.
He is pure evil.
Please.
Please let me help.
He has to die.
I'm sorry.
It's for the good of the world.
Only I can't do it.
It has to be someone like you, Someone in the full flower of her gifts.
You're the only one powerful enough.
I don't know what the hell you've been smoking, But I will not kill darryl.
No.
Yes, you will.
You'll do it with this.
And I will kill you if you don't.
You should have seen her when she was pregnant.
Was a glorious sight.
Her name was very fitting.
So gloria actually did have the baby? Oh, yes.
But she gave him up for adoption When he was only 3 weeks old.
We couldn't find any record of the birth.
I was her midwife.
She had him right here in this room, On that couch.
The cushions were soaked in afterbirth.
So who was the father? Well, his name was sebastian hart, But I believe you know him as darryl van horne? Oh, my god.
I knew it! I knew that darrylnd sebastian were the same person! You don't know the half of it, honey.
More tea? Please.
Um, hey, w-would you mind coming down to the "gazette" With us tonight so that we can get this down on tape? That is, if you're willing to go on record.
sure.
I'm ready whenever you are.
Fabulous.
Great.
hmm.
I can't move.
Yeah, I can't feel my--I can't feel my legs.
It's like They're nailed to this horrible afterbirth-stained couch.
What is happening to us? That would be the poison kicking in, my darling.
Oh, my god.
I know him.
His kids go to school with my kids.
What's his status? Massive internal hemorrhaging.
All right, we need to prep him for surgery.
nurse gardener.
nurse gardener.
nurse gardener, what the hell are you doing? Just give me a second.
I can save him.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
I'm almost there.
He's dead.
Didn't you hear me call it? No, he's not.
No.
No, he's not.
I know his kids.
I know him.
All right, your nose is bleeding.
Who cares? It's just allergies.
Go home.
Rest.
No! I need to save him.
That's an order, nurse gardener.
Okay.
Make sure you get him square through the heart.
Come on.
Please don't make me do this.
Roxie, look at me.
Look at me! This is a bad man we're talking about, An unrepentant murderer.
You don't know that.
Neither do I.
Please.
Do the world a favor, roxie.
Make this right.
Eleanor and bun warned me about this.
They said that before they realized his true nature, They, too, were taken with him.
Then when he got what he wanted, He murdered their friend, and he tried to kill them, too.
fine.
give me the knife.
I'm sorry, darryl.
S) fine.
Help! Somebody help! Somebody help! Please.
Let us go! I'm afraid that's impossible.
I'm in the middle of a very important operation right now, And I can't have you messing it up.
You're an obstacle, darling.
At least, you were.
nighty-night.
No.
No! No! don't worry.
You'll be dead in an hour from the poison.
Hey, why didn't you flash her the boobies? Maybe that would have worked.
We are about to die, and you are making stupid jokes? What else am I gonna do? Good question.
Nothing, I guess.
But I'm gonna try something.
Come on.
Move just a little.
Since we're about to die anyway, Can I just say something? Okay.
I'm sorry, you know, for, uh, Stealing your job And your story.
Really? No.
God, you are so annoying.
Look, I didn't steal them.
All right, you lost them.
Please be quiet now.
You okay? - No Don't worry.
We're gonna get out of this.