Enlisted (2014) s01e10 Episode Script

Thank you all for joining me.
I have some big news.
I've made us a platoon flag.
- Yes! - That's nice.
- Okay.
- It's kind of weird.
Each one of these birds, represents one of us.
Pete is the mighty hawk.
I am the eagle.
And Derrick is the raven.
Because ravens have trouble sharing their feelings.
Oh, and Tanisha is a picture of Tanisha because she refused to be a bird.
A bird cannot capture my curves.
Which one of us is the flamingo? - Well, that would be you, obviously.
- Ouch! Pretty hurtful.
- It's a very nice flag, Randy.
- I love you, too, hawk.
Would you please say a few words while I hang it? Say a few words.
We are gathered here today to hang our platoon flag.
I didn't know we needed one, but now that we have it, it doesn't bother me, so Amen.
- ALL: Amen.
- May I say a benediction? - I'm gonna head home.
- I'm Audi five, later.
GUMBLE: Still confused by the flag.
Good night, platoon flag.
(Whispers): I love you.
Good morning, platoon fla (screaming) (scream continues) CODY: The Army is filled troops on heroic missions.
And then there's us.
We take care of things at home.
We are the Rear Detachment.
Yes, we're soldiers.
(screaming continues) (stops screaming) Okay, that's enough.
If somebody in this room took my flag, give it right back, now.
No questions asked.
Except for "why?" and "how could you?" and Okay, there's gonna be a lot of questions, so just (phone chimes) give it back now so we can get started.
- I think I know where it is.
- Hi.
By now, you know I have your flag, but did you know just how versatile your flag is? (voice trembling): No.
It can be a napkin.
Mmm.
Mmm! No.
It can be a doormat.
That's my face! It can even be a diaper.
(gasps) Oops, did baby have an accident? Ooh.
- Turn it off.
Turn it off! - Okay okay.
(Cody laughs) Aw, baby's had an accident.
(laughing) Looks like prank season is open.
Oh! Oh! How did we forget? It's like forgetting Christmas.
God, it always sneaks up on you, just like a prank.
Prank season? Please tell me that's not a thing.
- Oh, it is around here, Sergeant Hill.
- Well, what if I want to opt out? - Why would you want to do that? - Because it's stupid.
You're stupid.
This is kind of how I thought this was gonna go.
Pranks are a crucible for forging bonds between a sergeant and his platoon.
If it weren't for these rockers, I'd be right in the thick of it with you.
(clears throat) Oh.
Attention.
Aaaaaa At ease! Ready to slam and jam, Sergeant Major? Yes sir.
This is Second Lieutenant Schneeberger.
Now, he's younger than you but he outranks me.
Isn't that something? Morning, sir.
Hello sir.
Sir, sir.
Just graduated from West Point.
Here to bring this post into the 21st century.
Along with its Sergeant Major.
(laughs) (mutters): Dirty What I wouldn't give to be in a prank war right now.
All right, we're gonna bust into Jill's barracks, find and extract the flag, forge a couple of bonds, we're back before last call.
This seems like overkill.
I'm sorry, did you recover a weapons stash from a Taliban stronghold deep in the heart of Korengal? Yes I did it twice at lunch, it was awesome.
I got eyes on it.
She wasn't made for outdoor use.
Those colors do run.
I look good.
I need my own country.
DERRICK: Hold it there, brother.
(crack) Yup Dog poo.
- Mm.
- DERRICK: Place is mined.
- How did you know that? - Had a feeling.
- And the odor.
- That's what that is.
- It's disgusting.
- That's really gross.
All right.
Alpha team.
Bravo team.
Fan out, tread lightly.
I'm gonna pretend that the poop is hot lava.
Or pretend like it's poo.
Chubowski, every time, you're stepping in it.
Every time.
I've got my mother's flat feet.
(Whispers): Okay, let's go.
Here we go.
Pete, supple hands.
Supple hands.
Supple Supple - Supple.
- Would you stop saying supple? Wait, is that Velcro? That's Vel What? Mayday! Mayday! Oh She's good.
She's good.
JILL: Did you really think it would be that easy to get your flag back? Yeah, 'cause before with, like, the Taliban and the-the-the weapons that the thing Blah, blah, blah.
You're not on your battlefield anymore, you're on mine.
Pranks are my bullets, and my rifle's always loaded.
Pranks are my food, and I never go hungry.
Pranks - We get it.
- Mm-hmm.
You think this is over? (laughs) No, this is not over.
This could totally be over.
Give peace a chance.
- Yeah, we surrender.
- Surrender, ALL: Surrender, surrender, surrender Come on.
We do not surrender.
You sure about that, ese? Because in a prank war nothing is off-limits.
You want yourself a prank war? Well, you got one.
Yeah, you may have caught us with our guard down, but that will not happen again.
(snaps fingers) All right, we hah! Yeah, we totally expected that.
And we are retreating now with our, uh heads held high and our eyes down, everybody.
Girl, you got my hair wet.
PETE: Ugh, watch your step, it's everywhere.
It's all mushy.
"Operation: Prank Jill and Get Our Flag Back" - is now operational.
Pete? - Splendid.
Okay, prank numero uno.
We dig a pit, fill it with sharpened sticks, cover it with leaves, and wait til Jill and her platoon fall into it on their morning run.
Bam.
Uh, a prank usually has a "ha-ha" element.
This one feels just a little bit kill-y.
Okay, okay, what about that thing where you want to get somebody back, so you wait for him to come around a corner and then you just punch him in the face.
Prank! Still not a prank.
That's just straight-up physical assault.
With all due respect, do you even know what a prank is? - Course I know what a prank is.
- Course he knows what a prank is.
Why don't we take a page from the greatest prankster - of all time.
- Let's do it.
- Fire away, buddy.
- Mr.
Wile E.
Coyote.
- What? No.
- Oh, this is so bad.
- All right, everybody just calm down.
- Yeah, calm down.
Okay, of course Pete knows pranks.
Does he? Think about it, Randy.
When we were kids, any time we'd prank him, he just beat us up.
He never had to learn prank fu.
Untrue.
Wait till we get Jill back with a plastic spider and a pair of X-ray specs.
Good Lord, he's gonna get us all killed.
I'm really trying to have your back right now, Pete, but I'm kind of in a "is the sky even blue" situation.
I'm feeling hot and itchy.
Is this what it feels to be bad at something? - Why are you looking at me? - Nobody panic, all right? - I'm panicking.
- I'm going home.
I'm going AWOL.
(all yelling indistinctly) Calm down! (imitates nails screeching down chalkboard) Better with a chalkboard, but you get the point.
Now listen up.
I'm experiencing a lot of emotions right now.
On the one hand, I'm thrilled to have found something that the great Pete Hill sucks at.
On the other hand, I don't want to be destroyed in a prank war.
Say more words, Derrick.
Lucky for you, I love pranks.
It's the only time in the Army when anarchy reigns.
Pete, I will train you, with Randy's help.
Yes.
The student becomes the teacher.
The Lindsay Lohan will become the Jamie Lee Curtis.
Randy's specialty is the blunt force prank.
Like, I'll replace your sunscreen with mayonnaise.
Give you a delicious sunburn.
It's a little crude, but isn't that America? - I love America.
- She wouldn't know.
That's good.
I, on the other hand, am master of the long con.
Do you remember the summer that you thought you were getting fat? Yeah.
I was taking in your pants a tiny bit every night.
I learned to sew just to mess with you.
I went to a fat camp in Arizona.
What can I say? I have a gift.
Should we follow you to your gift? SCHNEEBERGER: No, no, you have to click "approve" on new inventory, otherwise it won't sync to the cloud.
In the old system, I would do this, and it would sync to my binder.
Binder.
There's a reason they call it Fort McGeezer.
(chuckles) Anyway, once this is up and running, you won't ever have to leave your desk.
Well, that sounds like my nightmare, Second Lieutenant Schneeberger.
I'm sorry? I go crazy if I'm stuck behind my desk all day.
I'm glad we're dialoguing, but let's treat this as more of a listening situation Now, change is hard.
When I got to West Point, I didn't even know how to play squash.
But I opened myself to the experience that others had to offer.
And in the end I was managing that team as a non-player.
- Has this been helpful? - Not really.
Here's the thing: I don't want to "order you" to learn the new system, but this damn bar has a way to turning everything I say into an order.
Understood.
Amaze.
To the cloud.
(chuckles) There are three cardinal rules to pranking.
Never fall asleep.
Never drink from an unsealed container.
Always cover your junk.
"Always cover junk.
" Oh.
Feel free to call me the Professor if the mood strikes.
I was writing it down.
You can't cover your junk with excuses.
Why are you putting ice under people's doors? Ice? It's frozen urine.
When they melt, they're urine.
God, you have so much to learn.
Oh Urine, I like that Oh, God.
ABC, Pete.
Always Be Covering.
The key to a good prank is to find your target's weakness and exploit it.
CHUBOWSKI: Coming.
Sometimes it's hard.
Delicious cookie? Oh.
Don't mind if I do.
Sometimes it's easy.
Mm.
Curious.
They look like dessert but taste like the dentist.
Toothpaste Oreos.
Sorry, buddy, we're training Pete.
Oh no, I'm happy to be your guinea pig.
Go ahead and leave the plate.
Gumble, we're trying to figure out which is the best season of Breaking Bad.
GUMBLE: Glad you asked, friend.
Honestly, season fi Ooh! (grunting) Classic "wrapping the door.
" You can also do toilet, car, entire person.
The options are limitless.
We call this "fishing for rednecks.
" Ooh, a dollar.
Come on, let's get you back to the strip club where you belong, little fella.
Sergeant Major! The guys are training me! It's the most fun I've had in years! Yeah! Looks like he's fishing for rednecks.
Lucky son of a bitch.
Sergeant Major, You know, the number one enemy of efficiency is the window.
Now tell me How you gonna get Jill? (exhales) I found my target's weakness.
She goes to the bathroom.
What an idiot! Tomorrow morning, I disable the ladies' room in the motor pool so she has to use that one creepy Porta Potti where we found the dead squirrel? Ew! We rig the door so it sticks shut behind her.
And then, a forklift lifts that bad boy onto a truck, where it's driven off to the Southeast Regional Porta Potti Refurbishment Center out in the middle of nowhere.
Whew! - Well done, Pete.
- Yeah? Oh! So proud of you right now! Drinks are on me, people.
'Cause tomorrow, I'm gonna win us a prank war.
(cheering, overlapping shouting) Yeah, I got to fly into Denver, and then, rent a car.
I know.
Hold on a second.
I can see you're busy, so, I'm gonna go for a little walk and make sure everything's in order on post.
I'm gonna go for a little walk, make sure everything's in order on post? Sir.
(laughs) I still can't get used to it.
Dad, he called me "sir"! Ah.
I don't know.
Older than you, younger than Grandpa? Pete? Pete, I know you're there.
Show yourself! Ugh! I need a time-out.
Please? Oh, hey, Sergeant Perez.
Yeah, I was just hanging out in the bushes.
I know that I said that there is nothing off-limits during a prank war, but I need a truce.
(laughing): No way! Look, I'm dealing with some What? Some lady problems.
Oh.
Oh, you mean Oh, my God.
Yes, yes.
Enough said.
I My mom was a nurse.
I get it.
It's a temporary truce.
All right, and, uh, you may want to use a different Porta Potti, capisce? (wry laugh) Well, thank you for showing me a little mercy.
I appreciate it.
Don't you worry.
I'll get you.
Oh, and a little advice about your lady problem? You may want to drink some electrolytes over the next few days to replenish what your body lost via the hoo-hah.
Oh.
Hey! Oh, I see.
Yeah.
What the hell! You're the one who has a lady problem, Pete.
- And her name is Sergeant Jill Perez.
- What? Your platoon had a lot of fun at The Claymore last night, huh? Nice of you to buy them all those beers.
They went home so sleepy.
Never sleep! It's a cardinal rule.
(evil cackling) What did you do? (panting) (squeaking) (groaning) (yawning) (gasps) Help! You should've killed me while you had the chance ese.
(cackling) Get you, Jill Perez! Yeah! Somebody's gonna pay for this.
Sergeant, might I suggest there is nobility in retreat? Come on.
Aren't we more resilient than that? No! They Super-Glued my hands, and gave me Home Alone face! I look like Grimace! I look like a child's worst nightmare.
- Maybe it is time to just call it off.
- RANDY: No.
- We need revenge! - Doesn't look like anything happened to you.
Oh, no, they got me good.
They shaved me downstairs.
Oh, gross.
Wait.
Is my mustache made of? (gasps) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I will never not know that this happened! It doesn't look bad on you.
We have to destroy her and erase my memory! Okay, okay, just-just just give me a second to think.
No! You are done.
You are relieved of your command, Sergeant.
You can't do that.
By show of hands, who wants Pete out? I'm sorry, Sarge.
I am in charge now, and we are done being gentlemen.
We need to hit Jill where it hurts.
Her boobs.
No.
Higher.
Her Décolletage? Lower.
Her under-boobs? Her heart, Garfield! - My God! - RANDY: Jill's made of stone.
We're never gonna find a weakness.
Wait.
What did that look mean? Just Uh lady problems? I'm not Pete.
You wish you were me.
Hey, ladies, I know you think Jill's your friend, but look at yourselves, okay? She got you good.
(groans) Well I think she's hung up on her ex-boyfriend Steve.
I don't have all the details, but I think he hurt her real bad.
- The ex-boyfriend.
That's how we get her.
- Yes, Pete.
Everybody knows that.
Sit down! A thousand portable toilets cooking in the sun.
It's like Satan's Easy-Bake Oven.
(grunting) (sighs) Game on, Nature.
Okay, we're all set.
Jill has received her "Just Because I'm Sorry" bouquet from the florist, complete with a apologetic teddy bear holding a Mylar balloon which reads "I'm beary sowwy.
" In that bouquet is a note from Steve inviting her to The Claymore to talk about getting back together.
- BOTH: Oh! - It's not real! When Steve doesn't show up, her heart will shatter, and we will win this prank war once and for all.
Ah kind of mean.
I have a mustache shorn from my brother's pubis.
(snorts) I don't care how mean you think this is.
My only regret is that we can't do it to her twice! You know, when you get mad, you snort, and it moves your little hairs around.
Not my hairs, Pete! This ends tonight! Come on, guys, let's go! - Let's do this! - We're gonna get you, Jill! I'll just stay here then.
(bird screeches) (grunts) What's that I see in the distance? (bird squawking) Ah.
Sustenance.
I think I'll have breakfast for dinner.
DERRICK: Look at her over there.
So hopeful.
So ready to be crushed.
(sighs) You're kind of freaking me out, man.
This is dark.
Do we even have to do it? Plus, I'm kind of over the whole downstairs shaving thing.
I mean, if I'm honest, it's a good look.
It's sleek, it actually adds an optic inch.
We're doing this.
Just back me up.
Remember your lines? Yeah, but I'm going in.
(laughing) I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Steve ain't coming.
Got ya! Well, if it isn't the short and curly kid.
I'm "beary sowwy," but you didn't get me.
I knew Steve wasn't gonna come.
Yeah, right.
I'm not Pete, okay? Welcome to the big leagues.
This whole Steve thing was my idea.
Well, you should have done more homework, Big League.
Steve never sent me flowers.
He hated The Claymore.
He's dead.
He thought Mylar balloons were tacky, he never W-Wait.
What? What? Mylar not a fan.
Or are you seizing on the part that he's no longer one of the living? (laughing): No, no, no.
I'm not buying it.
You got burnt, and you're trying to make it look like you didn't, so, in your face.
And in yours some evidence.
That's his obituary.
This could easily be faked.
Although, it certainly does have the feel of real news print.
And here is a condolence letter from his mother.
You can see it's postmarked two years ago.
You know how easy it is to? Just give me a second.
- I'll do a quick search.
- Mmhmm, go ahead.
Take your time.
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Lot of hits.
Mm-hmm.
They named a high school gym after him.
You really stepped in it.
(laughing) You are dead to Steve! Mm! No, Pete, Steve is dead.
Yeah, okay.
Ha, ha! Steve is dead to you! Boom! DERRICK: No, as in, deceased.
He's no longer with us.
This has been a horrible mistake.
- What? - This could not get any worse.
Ha! Steve is never coming back! That's 'cause he's dead, Randy! That's 'cause he's dead! He's dead? Yes, he's dead.
And the worst part about it is, I actually got excited when I saw his name on the card.
Wow.
Oh.
- This was Derrick's idea.
- I didn't want to do this.
Yeah, I was the one that helped you with the Porta Pottis.
I was born without 'em, I can live without 'em.
We crossed a line, and I am so sorry.
We are so sorry.
We're so sorry.
Thank you.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Boyfriend.
Yeah.
Mm.
(laughs) (cackling) Wait a second.
We did get you.
Steve's not dead.
This has been a huge success! Steve's alive! I bet he loves fishing.
Nope.
Um, still dead.
No.
Wow.
That hurt more the second time.
I'm laughing because you dummies forgot another cardinal rule of pranking.
I'm wearing a cup.
He's wearing a cup.
Never drink out of an open container.
Yeah.
I put a little something in your beers.
So, in a few minutes, you'll be seized with an uncontrollable intestinal distress.
We said we were sorry! And it was very sweet.
So, that's why I am giving you this.
Flag.
FYI it makes a great diaper.
Guys, we got our flag back! (cheering) We won! We won! We did not win.
No, we did not.
CODY: So, you thought it would be a good idea to trap me in a Porta Potti and haul me off into the middle of nowhere! - I can explain.
- I spent the last 24 hours fighting my way back to post with nothing but my wits.
I've got one thing to say to you, Sergeant Hill.
Thank you! Thank you! (laughs) (whistling) Hey, the men's room's out of order.
Somebody better get on that.
Right away, sir.
Hey! What the hell! No T.
P.
, and I plastic-wrapped the bowl.
- (laughter) - Prank!