Evening Shade s01e10 Episode Script

In Evening Shade We ain't afraid to get a little laid back And let the daylight fade Life goes slow and it's worth a lot more When you've got it made It's high noon in Evening Shade.
A television film crew has just arrived in town.
They are preparing to shoot some battle scenes for the sequel to the miniseries, The Blue and the Gray.
In another part of town, at Blue's Barbecue Villa, Wood Newton is holding court, totally unaware that in a few short hours Hollywood will be calling.
Hey, why don't I take off this afternoon, you get Taylor, we'll do a little hunting.
Oh, I'd love to, but I got two classes this afternoon.
You know that I've lost my older son.
He's gone off to become a movie star.
You know, I think that you and I are the only two people in town not trying out to be in that movie.
Right.
Hey, Coach.
Hey, Ponder.
Hey, Nub.
You're never gonna believe it.
I went over there this morning, where they were having those Hollywood tryouts Mm-hmm.
and they said they might try to hire me to be a gofer.
Hmm.
And then this guy comes out they call the director, and all of a sudden he looks at me and starts jumping around all excited and screaming about how fabulous and real I am.
And the next thing I know, they're trying to give me a part.
Well, that's great, Nub.
What part was it? The half-wit.
I'm not gonna accept it, though.
I just instinctively knew it wasn't right for me.
Anyway, I'm saving myself for Rescue 911.
Hey, Coach.
Yeah? Hey, listen, I can't thank you enough for covering for me this morning and helping me out.
Oh, that's all right.
You know, people are always kidding me because they say I've seen every movie ever made.
Sure came in handy this morning though, during those auditions.
What happened? Well, I started out with a little James Cagney.
And then I finished up with just a little bit of Eleanor Powell.
So what part did you get? The half-wit.
Well, there's only one line right now, but they say it's a part that's probably gonna expand.
Yeah? Well, what's the line? I don't want to spoil it for when you see it on TV.
Okay.
Well, if you really want to know, I'll tell you.
It goes something like this.
"Excuse me, soldier, but have you seen my old dog's lost bone?" What do you think? Very good.
Well, I'm not really gonna say it like that.
I'm gonna do it a whole lot better than that.
Boy, you should have seen that casting place: It was like some kind of scene out of Spartacus or something.
People have been driving from everywhere to get to be in this thing.
There's even these two women from Chicago.
They was dressed up as guys on bikes.
One of them kind of grabbed me by my crotch and said, "Hey, where's the snack bar?" Hey, Woodrow.
Oh, hey, Dr.
Eldridge.
Ponder.
Mr.
Stiles.
How you doin'? Well, I'm a little surprised, actually.
I got up this morning and I thought, "Hell, Monday mornings are always slow at the office, "and they got this movie company shooting the Civil War, "and I got this Confederate uniform.
So why don't I just try it on and see what happens.
" And? And I got a call from the man in the movie company.
He's called the unit production manager.
It seems that this Shelley Darling you know she's got the lead in this miniseries anyway, it seems that the doctor who gave her her examination didn't fill out the insurance papers correctly, and now they're threatening to shut down production unless she has another physical immediately.
Don't tell me: You're gonna do it.
That is right.
In just about one hour, I am gonna be standing in Shelley Darling's trailer giving her a complete work over.
Shelley Darling? I don't remember her.
Well, I remember her.
She is a big star, and now I am her physician of record.
Next thing you know, what with one referral leads to the next, and that Jaclyn Smith will be calling me every time her kids have a sore throat.
It's a short step.
Hey Hello, everybody.
Hey, honeycakes, how did you make out? It just went awful.
Ah I didn't even get to read for anything.
They said, though, if I came back tomorrow that they might be casting some more extras.
You owe me $50.
I thought you weren't gonna try out.
I only did it to prove a point.
Well, she's got one line.
She had to beat out two rough looking chicks on motorbikes to get it.
Well, Miss Beausoleil sure does look happy.
What part did she get? Shelley Darling's wet nurse.
It's non-speaking.
Just call them back and tell them I can't possibly finish these battle scenes by Saturday.
I mean, there's just no way.
First of all, we are five days behind schedule.
Six.
And the Weather Bureau says rain.
Gentlemen, I am just a director.
I am not a miracle worker.
Harlan, Alan Roth! Nobody's blaming you for the weather, Alan.
It's just that Dennis really doesn't love it when you go over budget.
Well, why don't we just try stop calling Dennis, okay? So he doesn't know everything.
That's my job.
You know, I work for the studio.
We all just want to make a really good picture that we can all be proud of.
Look at this place.
The Barbecue Villa.
Is this cute? You know, Shelley called Dennis to complain about her trailer.
What's wrong with her trailer? I mean, that is the very best trailer we have.
She says it's not level.
She says you're doing it on purpose.
Why would I do that on purpose? Nadine.
Geff, you are talking to a man who swills Pepto-Bismol every day for breakfast.
I am not out looking for trouble.
If her trailer is not level, then maybe it's parked on a hill.
Well, maybe we should level the hill.
Doug Level the hill level the hill.
And what would you fine people like for lunch? Mm.
Do you have some kind of a fresh fish with a little pasta and fruit on the side? No, I'm sorry.
We don't carry that.
I hate rural location shoots.
Geff, will you get please with this program? This is authentic barbecue.
This is not a Hollywood froufrou lunch.
What do you do, get some kind of a brisket and then chop it up and pour that red stuff all over it? I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to tell you that.
It's a secret recipe that's passed along only after you marry your cousin.
You have a wonderful voice.
Thank you.
That voice is wonderful.
Yeah, maybe we should hire him as a speaking extra.
We don't have enough blacks to be slaves.
Yes, age-old problem.
Excuse me.
We couldn't help overhearing.
I'm Dr.
Harlan Eldridge.
One of your people called me today to give Miss Darling her insurance physical.
Oh, yes.
Yes, that was me, Doug Jackson.
How are you? I just wanted to say, pertaining to your-your comment, that my wife and I would be happy to play slaves, you know, if you're running out.
Well, you know that is really very kind of you.
Now what did you say your names were, please? Fred and Ethel Mertz.
Harlan and Merleen Eldridge.
Harlan and Merleen.
Eldridge.
Eldridge.
Did you get those names? Is this is cute.
Now, Harlan, I'm terribly sorry, but we really have given away all the local parts.
I just love this little man in the wagon.
Now look at that.
Is that not marvelous; with the tambourine and flag? That's nothing.
Look at this.
I'm using all my motor skills at once.
Now this is pure small-town Americana.
I mean, you cannot duplicate this stuff.
This cannot be duplicated.
Excuse me, Mr.
Roth, but my husband, Harlan and I would be interested in playing just almost anything.
Go ahead and sing, honeybunch.
It was the third of June Another sleepy, dusty, delta day Uh-huh Well, I was out picking cotton And my brother was a-bailing hay That's very nice, but hold it.
That, uh That will that will not be necessary.
Merleen, we'll call you.
Uh, gentlemen, there are no more local parts.
I'm terribly sorry.
Except for a dark and brooding Confederate colonel.
Who is that man over there? Harlan Eldridge.
No, not you.
Get out of the way, you.
And everybody back, back.
That man there.
Who is that man? Who? That's-that's our football coach, Wood Newton.
No, not the football coach.
That's our Confederate colonel.
Not you.
Will you get back! That's Colonel Rodney Stone.
The sticks, David.
The sticks, please.
Marker.
Okay, smoke man, smoke.
A little more smoke.
Okay, more smoke.
All right, smoke man out.
Out, smoke man, good, please.
Okay, all right, stand by, people.
Now please, quiet on the set.
This is Playback.
Okay.
Playback.
Playback now! Action! No, cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Please, let's try this again.
Fellas, Confederates, you are coming over the hill too slow, all right? Now this is the 20 the 28th 8th take, Twenty-eighth.
and I am really getting very tired.
If you people don't work this out right Come over the hill slow, or we'll have to get people from New York, all right? Once more, people, for the 30 time.
You know something, Coach? I'm thinking about changing my line.
Instead of saying, "Excuse me, soldier, but have you seen my old dog's bones.
.
" Mmm.
I'm thinking about saying, "Excuse me, soldier, but have you seen my old dog's damn bones" Too much.
They don't like you to cuss on TV.
But don't you think "damn" would give it a sense of urgency? Now why don't you just stick to the script, Herman.
Hey, Coach, you want to go over your lines again? No, I don't want to go over them again.
You know, I don't know how you talked me into this.
I've missed two days of school already.
I'll be in I only got three stupid lines in this stupid miniseries.
Nobody's gonna watch it anyway.
Excuse me, Coach, but that first Blue and the Gray did real good in the ratings, and you got more than three stupid lines.
You got the biggest part of anybody in Evening Shade.
And you're even getting to act with the star.
Mm-hmm.
Besides, you're carrying the torch for the whole rest of the town.
What's the holdup? Oh, we're just doing a few pickups, waiting for Miss Darling.
She's not feeling well.
Well, what's wrong with her now? I don't know.
She came outside, took a look around, and then went back in her trailer.
She's always coming out, looking around, and going back inside.
I mean, what is she, a groundhog? That's very funny.
And another thing exactly who are all those people that keep going in and out of that trailer? Her husband, her hairdresser, her manager, her publicist, and her lint picker.
Her what? Her lint picker.
He's the guy who picks lint off of her.
I seen him doing it.
I wish I'd known about that job.
I would have applied for it.
Hi.
Oh, hey.
Oh, hey, Mrs.
Newton.
Oh, we just thought we'd come and visit you.
Hi.
Hi, guy.
How ya doin'? I can't believe you haven't worked yet.
It's already 5:00.
Huh? Hi.
She's not coming out.
You can't go in there now.
Her husband says she doesn't want to speak to anyone in person.
What is that supposed to mean? I talked to Dennis in California.
He said that we should try to get her on the phone.
Try to get her on the phone? Why would I do something like that when she's 20 feet from me? I don't know.
This is Bob! As soon as she comes out, hit her with the spot, okay, please, so that I don't have any more excuses from her.
Thank you.
Hi.
I just love this girl.
Look, don't upset her.
Just call, and maybe she'll come out.
Can I borrow your phone a minute? Sure.
Thanks.
What's her number in there? Wait, what do you think you're doing? I just want to give her a little incentive to come out.
Who are you? It's all right.
No, he plays Colonel Rodney Stone.
It's fine.
He's got a scene with Shelley.
Go ahead.
Not only that, I'm the head football coach here in Evening Shade.
I don't want to tell you guys how to run your business, but if I had a ballplayer that acted like that, I'd-I'd run him around the bleachers until he died.
Well, thank you for your input.
You're welcome.
Excuse me, but would any of y'all care for a Junior Mint? No! No! It's what I always eat when I go to the movies.
I'll take one.
Well, that's that's very cute.
Oh, look, there goes Harlan! Alan, listen, the temperature's falling and the blood is getting all gooky.
None of it is gonna match the stuff from this morning.
Give me the phone.
Get that phone.
I want her out here now, do you hear that? Hit her with the spot, Bob.
You stupid idiots! When I asked for a doctor, I didn't mean some big dumb goober from this hillbilly hellhole! I meant a real doctor! I meant you get that SOB sorry excuse for a studio head, Dennis whatever his name is, to send his personal jet with some real medical personnel on board? Some people who just might know how to diagnose and treat stress and anxiety and exhaustion! And, yes, even a brain tumor, because that's what I have, a headache and a brain tumor, from being consigned to live in this redneck hellhole for five nightmare days in a freaking Hospitality Inn with no room service! Just a $4.
95 all-you-can-eat buffet line, filled with truck drivers and their two-cent wives, and their screaming children dripping with Tootsie Roll juice! You can take your big ol' biscuits and your frigging grits and put 'em where the sun don't shine because I can't take any more of this horrendous food, this impossible schedule, my tilted trailer, these guns going off and on, day and night! And I will go insane if one more person says, "Y'all come back now, you hear" This is this is all your fault, you sorry slimy wimp! You did this to me! And just for that, you can stay out here and freeze your big stupid butts off all night, with your new rosy-cheeked, slack-jawed hick friends, because I won't be coming out for another six hours.
And you can put that in your big bullhorn and blow it, Mr.
Ferret Face! I I love it when she addresses something to me personally.
Well, gang, you can relax.
It's gonna be a long night.
You know, if she takes two minutes out of that speech, it could be wonderful.
You know what that is over there, Coach? That's a big ol' movie star gone bad.
I think you're right, Nub.
I bet she's making a hundred dollars a day, too.
Try $10,000.
Wow.
Boy, I bet you guys know a lot of movie stars, huh? We know a few.
I guess deep down inside, they're just like you and me, huh? No, they're nothing like you and me.
Excuse me, but why don't you just fire her? If I refused to come to work for three days, my boss would certainly fire me.
That's in the real world, dear.
We're from Tinseltown.
Well, she sure couldn't treat people this way if she lived around here.
That just wouldn't be right.
That's an interesting phrase.
"That just wouldn't be right.
" Did you ever hear that, Doug? You know, I never heard that.
"That just wouldn't be right.
" I heard, "It won't make money," or "We might get caught," but I never heard "That just wouldn't be right.
" I mean, that's extraordinary.
These people are a gold mine.
Somebody should come down here and study them.
We shouldn't be making this movie.
We should be making a documentary.
Hey, Coach? Hmm? You gonna quit? No, I'm not.
I got a lot of time invested here.
I'm gonna wait her out.
That's the spirit.
She gotta come out of that trailer sooner or later.
Hey, fellas.
What y'all want to do now? I think we should all sing, "Kum-Bah-Yah.
" I just love that guy.
Why don't we run over your lines again? All right.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Culpepper, I can't give you that information right now.
My troops are in the field.
Uh, here's a map if you're interested.
I think on, "Here's the map, if you're interested " Yeah? You ought to put a little mystery into it.
You ought to go like, "Here's the map.
" Then pause.
Raise your eyebrows.
"If you're interested" What do you think? She's not coming out.
Bob, kill the spot.
All right, is the dog okay? Fine.
Okay, quiet on the set, please.
Action.
Excuse me, soldier.
Have you seen my old dog's lost bone? Cut and print.
Are you sure? Oh, that was great.
Are you sure? That was just great.
I could do it a lot better.
Okay, everybody, take five.
We'll call you when Miss Darling is ready.
Really, I I could do it better.
Well, Coach, you just saw me take my first step on the road to Hollywood immortality.
Don't worry, though, I'm not the kind of person to forget his friends.
If I were you, Herman, I wouldn't be saying "Ha, ha" around Coach right now.
Yeah, I see what you mean.
If he just weren't so stubborn.
You know, the first day he had that uniform on, he looked so cute.
And now it's beginning to smell.
Harlan, why don't you and Ponder go talk to him again? Oh, all right! He's not gonna listen.
Come on, Ponder.
All right.
Wait a minute.
Woodrow Woodrow, now this is getting ridiculous.
Hell, that Shelley whatever her name is, is a nutcase.
She could be in there till next July.
He's right, Wood.
So you didn't get to say your three lines.
Let some other poor ol' slob say 'em.
At least you got paid.
Hello? That was her manager.
She hates her makeup.
She doesn't want anyone to see her.
She's not coming out.
Actually, that's not correct.
You might want to revise that bulletin.
As a matter of fact, she is coming out, and she's coming out right now.
Because me and a lot of other people in this town have been sitting here for five days through rain and sleet and hail and snow! You know, I am not interested anymore in what you think of the weather and what you think of your friends and how you refuse to talk to people in person because I'm here now in person! You're gonna talk to me! What do you think you're doing?! What am I doing?! I'm shaking this trailer! I'm shaking this trailer until you get your puffed-up, movie star butt out here, because I've got some lines to say to you! Three lines, as a matter of fact! Three lines! Three lines that I've been working on all week long! I've been rehearsing three lines that I'm gonna say, by damn, right now! Who are you? Huh?! Who am I?! Who am I?! I'm Wood Newton, the head football coach in this little town you laughingly call a hellhole! But don't worry about people when they say to you, "Y'all come back now, you hear" because we don't mean it.
Especially when we're talking to you! As a matter of fact, if you would show up here, we'd move the town! Now where's the camera?! Right here, sir.
We're ready.
Get over here! Over here.
Stand here right in this spot.
I want it over the shoulder, and try not to get any Don't move! And get that lint picker out of here! Over the shoulder.
Quiet, please.
Action.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Culpepper.
I really am! But that's all the information I can give you right now.
My troops are in the field.
Here's a map, if you're interested.
Cut and print! Hear that? You'll never work in one of my films again.
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
And so, Wood Newton's acting debut begins and ends.
He may not get a star on Hollywood Boulevard, but he'll always have one on our main street, right here in a place called Evening Shade.
I wish I was in Dixie Hooray! Hooray! In Dixie Land I'll take my stand To live and die in Dixie.