Extended Family (2023) s01e10 Episode Script

1
BOTH: Right arm up and elbow bent.
Head roll, shimmy it, and shimmy it.
And step on the bug.
Squish it, squish it.
Bitten by a rattlesnake. Wince! Wince!
Wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble.
Drive to the hospital.
Swerving, swerving.
Slam on the brakes.
Backwards box step.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- Whoo!
- [GRUNTS DETERMINEDLY]
Okay, okay, break time.
Must take a break to not die.
We're doing the annual
father-daughter dance,
so we need to are you knitting?
Read an article that said
hobbies are good for the brain.
Also said to give up bacon and fudge.
But you can't believe
everything you read.
Jimmy, car looks great.
Any shot at winning the Pinewood Derby?
Yeah, if nobody else shows up.
Okay, Grace, let's take another
ah!
- Oh, my God!
- Dad, are you okay?
Don't move, don't move,
don't move, don't move.
Oh, thank God, the blanket's unharmed.
You can move now, Jim.
I've never seen a human fly like that.
- Are you okay, Dad?
- Yeah, yeah, I think I am.
It must be the adrenaline.
I don't feel a thing.
Where's my other knitting needle?
- Ahh.
- [BOTH GASP]
Why did they just gasp?
Uh, no reason.
Nobody gasps just to gasp.
Son, I need you to look at me.
Why, what's happening?
Everything is gonna be okay.
Why wouldn't everything be okay?
No reason. That's why
everything is gonna be okay.
ALL: Don't sit down!
There's a knitting needle in
my butt cheek, isn't there?
[YELPS]
No, there isn't.
It's true ♪
The marriage that we
once had now is through ♪
But now we're doing
all that we can do ♪
To keep us all together as a crew ♪
Just do as we say, not as we do ♪
We really thought that we were done ♪
But we've just begun ♪
♪
Hey, thanks for the help
cleaning up the table, kids.
I plugged the hole with
a dollop of Polysporin,
and now my tush is good as new.
Look who's here with Chinese.
Got the orange chicken family meal.
Orange, my second favorite
chicken flavor after nuggets.
Where's the coffee table?
- I got hit by a car.
- What?
Oh, continue.
Anyway, took a little bit of a tumble.
Punctured my old patootie.
But I am confident that by this
Friday's father-daughter dance,
that my little moneymaker will be 100%.
Not this Friday night.
This Friday is the Pinewood Derby.
No, that's next Friday.
It's in my phone. See?
Next Friday.
Pretty sure they changed it.
No, they would have sent
you home with a memo.
Jimmy, did you leave a
memo in your backpack again?
What kind of word is "memo"?
It's short for "memorandum."
What kind of word is "memorandum"?
I believe it's the
long version of "memo."
I know, but they're all we got.
When is the last time you emptied this?
Last time I what?
Dad, you got to go to
the father-daughter dance.
Grace, I know.
Have I not learned all the moves?
Risked paralysis?
The father-daughter
dance is why I'm getting
bitten by rattlesnakes
and swerving off the road.
I'm the daughter, you're my father.
There's a dance. We have to go!
This is an unsigned
permission slip for the zoo
from two weeks ago.
And you still went?
There's cracks in the system.
Ugh! He's right.
They did change the date of the derby.
- I hate this school.
- I'm with you, Mom.
You are not without blame, buddy.
Me? They put their trust in a C student.
You're a B student.
I think there's another
memo in that bag.
Dad, the dance is our tradition
a tradition that's about to be over.
I know I messed up,
but the Pinewood Derby
is a tradition too.
Dad, you gotta come with me.
All right, I-I realize
that you both need Super Dad
to bless you with his presence.
But cloning technology
has sadly not kept pace
with the universal need for more me.
So just give me a minute
to figure out a plan.
Okay, help.
Uh, okay. Well, why don't I sub in
for Dad at the Pinewood Derby?
Boom, problem solved.
No, not boom.
I can't go with Mom.
Whenever I'm with Mom,
everyone calls me
When I was playing
Fortnite last month
keep in mind, I have a
live mic on my headset
that is broadcasting to
45 of my best friends
Mom bursts in yelling,
"Goo Goo Bear, your
bubble bath is ready."
My God, what were you thinking?
I was thinking it was tubby time.
Plus, Mom, Steve Green's
dad is always saying
that you're the prettiest
mom in the neighborhood.
Oh. Jerry said that?
Hm.
Yeah, Jerry said that.
Jerry says a lot of things.
Grace, why don't I sub in at the dance?
I'm a better dancer than your dad.
Just ask the coffee table.
I'm not going to the
father-daughter dance
- with my mom.
- Why?
Your other classmates
go with their moms,
- and they think it's cool.
- Yeah, if you have two moms
or your dad's in prison, it's cool.
But that's not me. Dad, you decide.
The child that first made you a father
or the other kid?
Other kid?
I am James Patrick
Kearney, second of his name.
I cannot and will not choose.
Ethically and philosophically,
it would be a mistake
because one of you would not like me.
The more I see how
adults make decisions,
the less safe I feel.
So what, we flip a coin?
Ah, the age-old
tiebreaker. Jimmy, call it.
- Give me the nickel off the car.
- Heads.
I'm not flipping it. The losing kid
will just blame me for how I flipped.
The blame is never on the
flipper, it's on the caller.
Why? The responsibility is just
as much on the flipper as the caller.
- She's got a point.
- That's legit.
No, no, no, the caller has
two choices, heads or tails.
If Jimmy picks the wrong one,
then the blame lies with him.
But the flipper is the last
person to touch the coin.
That's when the questions begin.
How high did the flipper toss?
How fast did the flipper flip?
The flipper holds the fate
of the flip in their hands.
The flipper has all the blame.
Trey, we need you to flip a coin.
Jimmy Jr.'s already called heads.
We need an impartial
flipper to flip in a way
that is free of conscious
or unconscious flipper bias.
How could a flipper flip with bias?
Velocity, trajectory, phalange, finesse.
I've studied magic, so I know.
I am not surprised.
Did you know that coin
flipping actually began
during the Roman Empire
when they had to decide
who was going to be castrated?
The term eunuch comes
BOTH: Flip it!
- Tails.
- Yes!
I'm gonna go try on my dress.
That's what the losers
used to say in Rome.
We're gonna need more orange chicken.
- You spilled it?
- I ate it.
You ate the whole thing?
It was a family size.
I'm family.
I'm really sorry about missing
the Pinewood Derby, buddy.
This is a ridiculous way to parent.
Ridiculous!
- Did I mess this up?
- No. He messed this up.
Do you have any idea how many times
we've told him to empty his backpack?
Well, is there anything I can do?
I feel responsible.
Well, you should. You're the flipper.
If you'd stayed in the kitchen,
none of this would've happened.
And we have chicken.
Hey, kid. Sorry it didn't go your way.
I'm sorry I reacted the way I did.
No, I get it. I totally get it.
I mean, I enjoyed going to
the Pinewood Derby with my dad.
I really loved that bonding time.
Yeah, it's fun.
I mean, we make a whole night out of it.
First we lose, then
we go to Mike's Pastry,
and the whole time we're laughing.
I love me some Mike's Pastry. [CHUCKLES]
You know, um,
you'd probably do better
if you polished your axle
and checked your alignment.
When I was a scout,
we studied woodworking,
we studied aerodynamics,
weight transfer.
We had this thing down to a science.
Will you go to the Derby
with me instead of my mom?
Dude, your mom's gonna kill it.
She's in the kitchen scouring
the web for ways to win.
Well, she should scour your head.
Please? You're my stepdad.
I mean, future stepdad.
I-I will be your stepdad.
Unless, um
how are you and Mom
getting along lately?
We're good.
Why, you heard something?
Dude, you think she'd tell me?
I thought my parents
had a good marriage.
Talk to her.
Fingers crossed for the
Derby and your engagement.
The engagement's solid.
Let me go work on the Derby.
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC]
♪
Pro tip, always include
the words "Pinewood Derby"
when you Google "which
lubricant gives you
the most bang for your buck?"
Also, "wood derby" by itself
will return some very disturbing images.
We gotta bring back shame.
Are you okay?
Yeah, um,
Jimmy Jr. just called
me his future stepdad.
Emotions just kind of
snuck up on me like a burp.
He wants me to take him to the Derby.
Instead of me?
Yeah, but it's only
'cause I'm an Eagle Scout.
Oh, yeah, of course.
- So you won't feel hurt?
- Far from.
- Cast aside or iced out?
- Nope.
- Taken for granted?
- I don't think in those terms.
You're amazing.
[LAUGHS] By the way,
I think your Eagle
Scout thing is super hot.
That might be the first time
those words were ever spoken.
[LAUGHS]
♪
This is when you really
miss coffee tables.
- Where's Dad?
- Went to go pick up his tux.
Oh, my God, I can't get
over how good you look.
- Let me get a few pictures.
- Mom, enough, please.
I'm the most documented
child in captivity.
Hey, future stepdad.
- Big night.
- Jimmy, Trey's here.
You're gonna do great, okay?
Just remember the basics.
Favorite place to eat?
7-Eleven. Two Big Bites,
blue Takis, Code Red Mountain Dew,
and family-sized pack
of Sour Patch Kids.
And if he then gets sick in the car?
Ginger ale.
Really sick?
Backup ginger ale.
An Eagle Scout is always prepared.
Yep.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Jim, where are you?
I'm stuck.
What do you mean you're stuck?
The green line is stuck.
- Are you on the green line?
- No, Julia.
I'm updating you on an
unrelated track closure.
Yes, I'm on the green
line, and I'm stuck!
And desperately clinging
to a single bar of service.
Dad, the dance starts in an hour.
I told the engineer that.
But like this train, he was unmoved.
I'll go to the dance.
We'll say your father is in prison.
We can brainstorm about why on the way.
No, no, no, no! I'm innocent.
I-I'm gonna make it,
Grace. You hear me?
Grandpa is on his way
to escort you there,
and I will arrive before
the last dance, I promise.
There are some old dads
there on their third wives,
so I guess Grandpa won't stand out.
Um, he's not gonna wear his
powder blue tuxedo, is he?
Oh, no, that's just for
weddings and funerals.
He'll be there any second.
Can I have your attention, please?
Could the guy in the back
who's standing up on the seat
please get his dirty
sneakers off the seat?
♪
You're deliberately going the
long way to jack up the fare!
I'm using Waze.
Yeah, ways to cheat me out
of my hard-earned dough!
Trust me, I want you out of
my cab as soon as possible.
You should have taken Storrow Drive,
you rip-off artist.
I didn't take Storrow 'cause
I knew there was an accident.
How? We didn't even try it.
I told you, I got Waze.
Oh, you got ways, huh?
I got ways to deal with bums like you.
Pull over!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hey, you owe me $12.50.
Not a chance, you crook!
This looks like it's worth $12.50,
you Bobby Vinton wannabe.
Not my knitting bag.
I need that for my brain.
A crooked cabdriver just robbed me.
Oh, my God, are you okay?
Yeah, he only got my knitting bag.
And my wallet was in the bag.
I'll send an Uber. Give me your address.
I'm on the corner of
walk and don't walk.
Forget it. I'll hail another cab
and just ditch the fare when I'm close.
See you soon.
Grace, I'm not bullish
on Grandpa's chances.
We may need a Plan B.
Isn't it, like, Plan G at this point?
I may be your best bet.
I've got the perfect dress.
Mom, it's not that I
don't want to go with you.
It's that I don't
want you to go with me.
Trey, will you take me?
To the father-daughter dance?
Yeah, you're kind of
like my other father.
Stepfather stepfather-to-be.
- They're both saying it now.
- I know.
Keep it together, big guy.
Grace, Trey already
promised to go to the Derby.
It wouldn't be fair to Jimmy.
What wouldn't be fair
to Jimmy this time?
Well, your father is
stuck in the subway,
and Grace asked Trey to
take her to the dance.
But I know how much
you're looking forward
to Trey taking you to the Derby.
Even though I've done a lot of research,
and I know that if we swap out
the steel axle for the graphite,
we can achieve a significant
reduction in friction.
I'm just saying.
Wow. I don't know so
many of those words.
What would you rather do?
It's up to you, Jimmy.
So this is what power feels like, huh?
I like it.
I like it a lot.
- Jimmy, I re
- [SHUSHES]
Okay, fine. I'll take Mom.
But I want the bigger bedroom.
And I want to be an only child,
but there are laws that prevent me
from making that dream come true.
Then I win the next
five arguments we have.
- Four.
- Five.
Okay, you win. You have four left.
Trey, let's go!
I promise not to call you Goo Goo Bear.
We can only hope.
Babe, I'm not dressed for it.
I studied up on Jimmy Jr., not Grace.
I know the TikTok song, not the dance.
Go by your place and pick up a suit.
Just dance with her in a
way that won't embarrass her
or you'll what am I saying?
She usually goes to this thing with Jim.
You're good.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
- You moving?
- Uh, I am.
However, my train is
not. Did my dad show up?
Your dad got his wallet
stolen by a cabbie.
- Apparently
- I don't want to know.
So Grace had to go with Trey.
Wha no, no, Grace can't go
to the father-daughter
dance without me.
People will think I bailed on her.
But you didn't; you just
chose the wrong train.
Wait, no, h-how is this my fault?
I'm not driving the
train. I'm merely a rider.
Yes, I've heard news of budget cuts.
But I expected basic functionality.
Ah, so the rider did pick the train,
and the rider did fail to plan
for unforeseen circumstances,
so the rider did, in fact,
choose his own destiny!
I will not be flipped down
that rabbit hole again.
I will get to the dance
no matter what occurs.
[SINGSONGY] Pinewood Derby, let's go.
Let's go, Jimmy, let's go!
Pinewood Derby, let's go. Oh!
Gracie, let's go!
I ditched the cabbie at a
red light two blocks away.
Oh, sorry, Bobby. Grace
already left with Trey
to the dance and Jimmy Jr.
and I are off to the Derby.
Ah, the Pinewood Derby.
I used to love going with Jim.
I guess I could go with
little Jimmy next year.
You know what they say.
Grandparents live forever.
Jimmy, you're going
with your grandfather.
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC]
Uh, Grace, it's Dad.
Pointlessly leaving you a voicemail
to which you will never listen.
I am so sorry I'm not at the dance yet.
I know you're having no fun without me.
But I promise you, I am on my way,
because there is nothing on this Earth
that will keep me from rat!
Rat! Rat! [RAT SQUEAKING]
Good lord, look at
the size of that thing.
I'm on my way. Don't dance without me.
[TRAIN HORN BLASTS]
Dammit! That was my train.
Here we go, Grace, let's see
if I can keep up with you.
[JAZZY SWING MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Elbow bent, and shoulder,
shoulder, shimmy it
- Dad, you made it!
- Oh.
- Hey, Jim.
- Hey, Trey.
Did you know Trey knew
how to swing dance?
I didn't even know you
knew how to swing dance.
- She's a natural.
- And he's a natural coach.
[MUSIC ENDS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Super, super.
Do you want to step on the bug now?
Hey, DJ, play "Snake
Bite Emergency," okay?
Actually, do you mind if I
do one more dance with Trey?
Oh. Yeah, yeah, of
course. Go go ahead.
I should probably go freshen
up in the men's room anyway.
A lot of subway soot in my lungs
I should probably cough up,
along with a smidgen of rat dander.
Ow! Ow.
Oh, man.
Happened again. I pulled a hamstring.
Swinging too strong.
Go get 'em, Kearneys!
- Uh
- DJ, hit it!
- Maybe I should stretch first.
- No time, Dad. Let's go.
[WHISPERS] Trey.
[MOUTHS WORDS]
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
BOTH: Left arm up and elbow bent
and shoulder shrug.
And shimmy it, shimmy it.
Right arm up and elbow bent.
Head roll. Shimmy it, shimmy it.
Step on the bug.
♪
And while pretending to pull my hammy,
I almost did pull my hammy.
Thanks for stepping up tonight.
Oh, it was fun to step in.
Then Jim showed up, and I stepped back.
Yep, that's being a parent.
Sacrifice, sucking it up, stepping back.
Hm.
And you're sure you're
all right with all of this?
Dude, I'm a battle-tested
tournament-tough warhorse mom.
What does that mean?
[CHUCKLES] It means that I'm immune
to getting my feelings hurt by children,
because I have to be as a parent.
These are kids. Every day is like this,
except for the first two
hours of Mother's Day.
First two hours? That's all you get?
What do you do the rest of the day?
It's just managing the fallout
from breakfast in bed
scrubbing the syrup out of your sheets,
rinsing the coffee
stains out of your robe.
Luckily, your children have
gotten you a brand-new robe
to replace the old new robe
they gave you for Christmas.
Mother's Day is the dirtiest
trick the devil ever played.
My mom says she loves it.
Your mom is a great liar.
Look, you've already learned
the biggest lesson of parenting:
When you feel left out, you
gotta shut up and limp off
because their feelings come first.
Besides, it's not so bad.
And they always come back to you.
[DOOR OPENS] Sometimes
sooner than you want.
Hello!
- Mom, we had the best time.
- Oh, good.
The bug squishing
dance had a lot of steps
to keep track of, so Grace taught me
some swing moves that
she learned from Trey.
Bravo, Trey.
Yeah, you know, I picked
it up at prep school
for the Friday night socials
we had with the girls'
school across the lake.
Mm, how lovely.
As a public school kid,
every other Tuesday,
I would get beaten senseless
by the McGrath twins.
Bob held and Betsy punched.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, hey, hey!
New record in the books. Fourth place!
- [ALL CHEER]
- Whoa! Whoa!
That's my boy.
I never did better than tenth.
Evolution in action.
It was fun, Jimmy.
But I got a cab waiting.
Found a cabbie who
didn't know my reputation.
Until the next Kearney family fiasco!
Uh, kids, I will plan on you
ignoring my calls and texts
until you need something. Love you.
- Love you.
- You're the best.
- Thank you.
- They were talking to me.
I didn't hear 'em say "Dad."
Jimmy, you want some ice cream?
- Always.
- Chocolate or strawberry?
Uh, strawberry.
Chocolate.
- Strawberry.
- Fine, strawberry.
You only have three more
wins in your account.
Man, why are girls so smart?
Oh, and Trey, thanks for the
pep talk before the Derby.
It helped a lot.
You're gonna be a great stepdad.
[SNIFFLES]
Are you welling up?
[TEARFULLY] I can't look at you yet.
Come here.
[LAUGHS]