Fam (2019) s01e10 Episode Script

1 Oh, my God, I can't believe the wedding is in ten days! (gasps) Oh, my God, the wedding is in ten days.
Babe, please, pick an emotion.
It's just there's so much to do.
Shannon, Ben? Would one of you pick up the welcome bags for the out-of-town guests? Well, sounds to me like you're gonna need somebody very dependable for that responsibility, so (chuckles) Ben? I don't want to complain, Clem, but Shannon is your maid of honor and I'm just your bridesboy, yet I seem to be doing everything.
Come on, that's not true.
Look at this list.
Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben.
There is only one place I like hearing my name called out that many times, and to put it politely, none of y'all would be there.
Oh, Shannon, there is one thing that you could do.
I need somebody to help me pick out a cute pair of sneakers to change into after the ceremony.
Wow, Clem, you're gonna be wearing those for most of your wedding.
That is a huge thing to trust me with.
Fine.
I'll do it.
(sighs) Thank you.
Okay, I'm just gonna have to make this fun for myself.
I'll find a store with a hot salesman who has great taste in shoes.
Which will have to be Bloomie's 'cause I've already "tried on all the shoes" at Barney's.
So what do you need sneakers for? I can't dance all night in heels, even though our first dance is just gonna be us swaying back and forth like a lame eighth grade dance.
Um my eighth grade dance was a straight-up grind fest.
Besides, I thought you guys were gonna salsa, like you always dreamed of.
What happened? Nothing.
We just decided, as a couple, that Nick is uncomfortable dancing in public.
I'm not uncomfortable.
Look, I just don't like the terror that it instills in every part of my body, okay? I don't know what your issue is.
- You're a great dancer.
- Yes.
Sure, here, with you in the kitchen.
I mean, I can do this ugh, ugh all day long.
You can, but the question is, should you? How do we feel about the sneakers at Nordstrom? 'Cause I just remembered I may have tried on all the shoes at Bloomie's, too.
Hey, Nick.
- Can you do me a favor? - What's up? (baby voice): My sody's all the way over there.
Thank you.
Respect.
(knocking on door) - Hey, Freddy.
How's it going? - Where's Clem? I'm great, thank you for asking.
Hey, Shannon.
How's work? I'm in tenth grade.
Hey, Dad.
What do you want? Every time I show up, you ask me what do I want, like you're not happy to see me.
So what do you want? I sort of need a favor.
There was an incident at work.
We were investigating a possible homicide out in Queens.
Found a bag of heads, and, uh, we realized, yup, homicide.
Whoa, you found a bag of heads? Yeah, what did I just say? Anyway, Clem the department classifies that as "on-the-job trauma," so they're making me get counseling, and I figured since your future mother-in-law is a shrink, I was hoping you could ask her to Uh-uh.
No way.
I am not letting you use Rose - for free counseling.
- I don't need Rose for free counseling.
I just need her to sign a form that says I had counseling.
Oh you just want Rose to commit fraud.
Why does your generation have to label everything? I just want to deal with my psychological stress in a normal way.
You mean, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug? No, more like glug, glug, puff, puff, lady, lady, glug, glug.
Forget it, Dad.
I'm not gonna let you use Rose like that.
Fine.
Nick, my future son-in-law.
How's it going, buddy? CLEM: Don't fall for it, Nick! Freddy, there's absolutely no way I'm helping you with my mother.
But I'm fine, thanks for asking.
So I guess the only thing we haven't finalized is whether or not your father will sing at the wedding.
Rose, don't put any pressure on them.
You kids can decide later.
But considering I'm a Broadway star You got to give the people what they want.
Ooh! You could sing for our first dance.
Do you know any songs that are slow and boring? Do I? (chuckles) I remember our first dance.
People said I couldn't do The Worm in my gown.
(chuckles) I proved them wrong.
I wish I could've seen that.
- Oh, you will.
- Mm-hmm.
Dad, I need your help.
Clem wants to do a big salsa number, okay, but I am freaked out about doing it in front of a crowd.
Son, you're great in front of a crowd.
You're a college professor.
You lecture to hundreds of people a day.
Yes, yes, I do, but not on my tippy toes.
Well, lucky for you, son, I know a thing or two about public humiliation.
I was in Cats.
Tell you what, I'll come over this week and help you lose your fear.
You really think it'll work? 'Cause I want to surprise Clem.
I know it will.
Wear comfortable shoes, eat a good breakfast, and stretch beforehand.
'Cause your thighs are gonna be on fire! Thank you so much for picking up the tablecloths tomorrow.
I would do it myself, but I kind of sort of can't drive.
Wait, what? You can't drive? - Mm-mm.
- You know what? I am not gonna judge you right before your wedding, so I am simply gonna say, "Hey, girl, that's not weird.
" I know.
My dad promised that he would teach me, but he never did.
Something always got in the way, and that something usually became my stepmom.
Sweetheart, I am really sorry Freddy broke all of his promises to you.
Yeah, he's the worst.
This morning, he told me that the police department wants him to have therapy, and he asked me if you would sign some form for him.
(laughs) Can you believe that? Send him to me.
What? You heard me, baby, send him to me.
Rose, no.
Just because he's my father, you shouldn't feel obligated to help him with one of his scams.
Oh, I'm gonna help him, all right, but not in the way he's expecting, and I'm not gonna give him that signature until I see some actual growth.
Good luck.
The man can't even grow the pot plant in his closet.
Clem, you are gonna thank me.
Don't you want to be in a better place with your father before the wedding? Well, I'm not currently seething with hatred every waking moment of the day, so we're kind of at an all-time high.
But things are gonna be better, you'll see.
You just happen to be speaking to the best damn therapist in the city of New York.
(chuckles) You should put that on your card.
Oh, my God, you did.
Thanks for seeing me, Rose.
Here's that form for you to sign.
And, uh, here's 20 bucks for your trouble.
That's a five.
But thank you.
Ooh, now let me find my pen.
You know, I get so overwhelmed, I lose things.
Do you ever get overwhelmed, Freddy? Nice try, Rose.
Trying to trick me into talking about my feelings.
Well, it ain't gonna happen.
Right, because real men don't talk about their feelings.
I understand.
Most men get that from their father.
Not me.
I never got anything from my father, except for good hair and dyslexia.
There it is.
And it is out of ink.
You know what? Freddy, why don't you have a seat on the couch while I search for another one.
So your father was a real jerk, huh? Eh, the louse was never home anyway.
Chef Boyardee was the closest thing I had to a male role model.
Fat chef bastard.
Well, it sounds like you had to take care of yourself when you were a kid.
Are you kidding? I had to do everything for myself.
One time I Do you mind if I put my feet up? Please.
So Rose really thinks she can fix our dad? Doesn't she have better ways to completely waste her time? Hey, my mom is the best damn therapist in New York City.
Oh, yeah, I've seen the card.
But trust me, you do not want to go inside that man's head.
It's just a bunch of lies, scams, and every line of dialogue from Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.
(knocking on door) - Dad, what do you want? - That was hurtful.
But I do understand why you said it.
So, look, I was thinking, when you were a kid, I promised to do some things that I never got around to doing which reminds me, you should get vaccinated for measles.
Yes, thank you, I found that out the hard way.
Anyway, I was remembering, you know, just, uh, going back through my memories, on my own, prompted by no one, that, uh, one of those things was I never taught you how to drive.
So I was thinking maybe I could take you out for a lesson.
Wait, you want to take me out for a driving lesson? Yeah, why not? Give us a chance to bond.
Who-who is this guy? It's like the opposite of a zombie movie.
He got bit and turned into a human.
You know what, Dad, that's actually a really nice offer.
Let's do it tomorrow.
It'll be interesting to have you teach me something legal, for once.
Yeah.
I'm glad I stopped by.
It's true what they say.
Good things happen when you put yourself out there.
Have a nice day, everybody.
Even you.
Okay, now, son, if you can dance in front of a teenage girl the most notoriously judgmental creature on the Earth you can dance at your wedding.
Okay, Shannon, do you swear to watch this dance rehearsal and heckle as needed? Walter, it would be my honor.
Dad, I don't think I can do this.
It's one thing in the kitchen, but here, under the bright lights of the living room too much pressure.
You can do this, son.
Shannon, are you ready to insult? - Literally always.
- (chuckles) And a five, six, seven, eight You forgot one through four, genius.
Insult him, not me.
(salsa music playing) Is this a Mets game? 'Cause you suck! What is this, Bambi on ice? Power through, son.
Power through.
I'm dying slowly inside.
So am I.
(laughs) Okay, you got your hands at ten and two.
That's great.
Now, don't be afraid to give it just a little more gas, aka, any gas at all.
I'm just a little nervous.
Understood.
But we were just passed by a very plump beagle.
Okay, did you just slow down even more? - This is a two-ton killing machine.
- Well, so is that beagle, but he's got some pep in his step.
Okay, I'm sorry, Dad, but this is as fast as I'm comfortable going.
I get it.
Baby steps.
Wait.
- Oh, my God, that's the guy.
- What guy? The guy that cut off all the heads.
Right there in the blue Kia.
Follow him! He's going too fast.
Don't think, just drive.
What happens if we catch him? We try to apprehend him.
If he swings an axe or anything, duck.
Now step on it! (groans) (Shannon laughing) Finally.
Actual proof that you're a virgin.
All right, all right, all right.
I am done! No more.
No.
No.
No! You can't stop in the middle of a salsa.
That's how Charo tore her ACL.
Nick, there is absolutely no reason for you to be embarrassed.
Nick, there absolutely is.
Got some sneakers.
Had an awkward run-in with my ex-lover Sebastian.
We're all good now.
What happened to the furniture? I swear to God, if you people threw a party without me No, no, no.
No, Ben, there was no party.
They're just trying to help me get over my fear of dancing at the wedding.
Which is useless.
Okay? Just forget it.
I'm-I'm done.
What? No.
No.
I may not be that good of a maid of honor, but this means a lot to Clem, so I'm gonna help you get through this.
Even though when you dance, you look like a goat in zero gravity, I'm sorry.
Nicky, Nicky, this is so easy to fix.
Watch and learn.
Give me a beat, daddy.
(dance music playing) How is this supposed to help? You're even worse than Nick.
I know, but I don't care.
If you're having fun, you're a great dancer, even if you're a terrible dancer.
I call it the "Ellen Theory.
" Come on, join me, Nicky.
(sighs) Sure, why the hell not? Dip me.
That's it, son.
You're free! (both grunting) I don't know if I can keep up with him, Dad.
He's going too fast.
Of course he's going fast.
The fever's got him.
He needs more heads, and he needs 'em now.
Oh, God, he's pulling over.
And wait, he's an old lady? What, only a man can be a mass murderer? You know, it's that kind of attitude - that's holding women back.
- (sighs) She's not the killer, is she? You were thinking too much.
I had to get you out of your head.
And it worked, didn't it? You drove.
Yeah, I did.
Oh, my God, I drove! That's a pretty nice father-daughter moment, huh? Yeah.
It was.
You know, you may want to, uh, mention that to Rose.
Why would I mention that Oh.
I get it.
This is just so that she'll sign your form.
So what if it is? I get what I want.
You get what you want.
It's a win-win.
What I want is an actual father.
I can't believe I fell for this again.
I'm such an idiot.
Oh, come on, sweetie, you're not an idiot.
You're just dyslexic.
I need to stop hoping that you're gonna change.
Come on, Clem, I'm your dad.
Barely.
You're just the guy who had sex with my mom.
And Shannon's mom, and probably a lot of other people's moms.
Clem! Clem, at least let me drive you home! There really is a guy chopping heads out there! We tell the public we have leads; we have no leads! - Oh.
Hey, babe.
- Hey.
How was your driving lesson with Freddy? Well, it started off with me thinking I was gonna get my head chopped off, and ended with me wishing that I had my head chopped off.
You okay? I don't want to talk about it.
The moral of the story is people don't change.
Well, the moral of this story is, uh, yeah, they do.
Oh, my God, Nick, what's all this? (clears throat) Play dance mix.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Calling Dan Minsk.
- Damn it.
- (line ringing) Stop.
Bad phone.
(stammers) DAN (over phone): Nick? Dan.
Hey, man, uh, it's been a long time.
Long time.
DAN: Let me guess.
Trying to play a dance mix? You got it.
All right, got to go, man.
Bye.
(laughs) I'll just do this the old-fashioned way.
- (salsa music playing) - Ooh.
- (laughs) - Ooh.
(gasps) Oh.
Nick? Nick, what is going on? I'm transporting you to Havana, Cuba.
And giving you the wedding dance that you've always dreamed of.
Are you for real? May I have this dance and every dance, for the rest of our lives? Yes! (both laughing) Oh, baby, look at these dance moves.
Ooh, en fuego.
Are you sure you're gonna be able to do this in front of 250 people? Well, I did it in front of Shannon.
Oh, well, then, you're good.
Yeah.
Shannon, I cannot believe I'm going to say this, but thank you so much for tormenting my fiancé.
Anytime.
Whether he wants it or not.
ROSE: Clem, sweetheart, I am so sorry that I was not able to make real progress with your father.
I was so sure that if he had a genuine father-daughter moment, that he'd be hungry for more.
Rose (sighs) I hate to say I told you so, but, as you know, I was raised very poorly, so I told you so.
I just was so sure that I could get through to him.
Aw, heck, now I just got to order new business cards that say, "One of the best damn therapists in New York.
" (knocking on door) Hello, Clem.
Dad.
What do you want? Wow.
Does not hurt less with repetition.
Hello, everybody.
- Hey.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hey, Freddy.
- Not you.
Look, Clem, when you said that thing in the car, it really made me think.
I don't want to be just a guy that had sex with your mom.
And your mom.
I want to be a dad who had sex with your mom.
Well, it's not exactly a Hallmark card, but it's not nothing.
I mean it.
In fact, I had such a nice time with you, I-I started to think maybe I should be in my daughters' lives a little more.
Booyah! Ha ha! I told you so.
Hey, I deserve a little credit.
I laid down the daughter guilt pretty hard.
Let us not forget about the guy chopping heads.
I mean, it all started with him.
Yeah, he's the real hero here.
If we ever catch him, I'm gonna shake that man's hand.
So, is this what families do? You all hang out and stare at each other? How long do we sit here for?