Family Ties (1982) s01e10 Episode Script

Well, that was a waste of two hours.
I can't believe that your mother and I are the only ones who enjoyed "a hard day's night.
" No, now, I think there were some other old people in the audience who enjoyed it, too.
Yeah, I hear Beatles are big in nursing homes.
Next time, let me pick the movie, okay? Uh, no, we let you pick the movie last time, and it was terrible.
I can't help it At least that movie was quiet.
You could sleep.
These guys kept breaking into song every five minutes.
Elyse, I'm crushed.
How did we raise three children who don't care that Eleanor rigby keeps her face in a jar by the door? The same way our parents raised kids who don't care how Stella looked by starlight.
I can't believe you guys used to listen to that music.
It was so boring.
They didn't even break any guitars.
Hey, is that how you judge music today By how many guitars get broken? No, that's how you know when the song is over.
Ah.
Steven! Come in here quickly! - Honey, what? - What's going on? My god.
We've been robbed.
I can't believe it! People we don't even know came in here.
They tracked mud all over the floor.
They took things that belong to us! Why would they do that? They're burglars, Elyse.
That's their job.
- I'm gonna check my room.
- Me too.
Steven, check the dining room.
See if the silverware's still there.
It's in the top drawer of the breakfront.
Wow, wait until my class hears about this during show-and-tell.
Oh, mommy.
Would you mind me tying you to this chair for a picture? The kids at school are hard to impress.
I think the silver's gone, Elyse.
It's not in the breakfront? Hard to tell.
They took the breakfront.
They cleaned me out.
T-they took everything.
They took my calculator collection.
They took my golf clubs.
At least they didn't touch my mantovani albums.
That's a relief.
But they really made a mess up there.
They went through everything, even the linen closet.
Oh, great! Now the entire underworld knows that my sheets and pillowcases don't match.
It's gone! I can't believe it! They took my most prized possession! So we'll get you another mirror.
No, they took my diary! I'm freaking out.
I'm gonna have to leave town.
Don't worry, Mallory.
I had it xeroxed last week.
You xeroxed my diary? Yeah, and I have a lot of questions.
I'm gonna kill you! I'm calling the police.
Ma, it's just a figure of speech.
Now, everybody, stay calm.
The important thing is that nobody was hurt.
Nothing else matters.
That's easy for you to say.
You didn't read her diary.
I bet we've been together for a million years and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed when I can't remember what I ever did before what would we do, baby without us? what would we do, baby without us? and there ain't no nothin' we can't love each other through ooh what would we do, baby without us? sha-la-la-la ah! Oh.
I'm all right.
I'm all right.
I'm all right.
I think the broom's dead, though.
Just relax, dad, okay? I'll check the living room.
Aah! It's all clear.
Nobody there.
- Did you look upstairs? - Upstairs? Yeah, you know, where we keep the bedrooms.
Um, no, no.
I-i didn't make it up there.
- Coward.
- Look who's talking The brave soul who offered me $5 to check behind the shower curtain last night.
I did not.
I offered you $3.
You said you'd do it for $5.
Mallory, if you're scared, come to me or daddy.
We don't charge.
I would have, but you were downstairs frisking the paperboy.
I wasn't frisking him.
I was checking his I.
D.
He's new on the route.
All right, look This is going to have to stop.
I will not have my family afraid in our own home.
Can we go to a motel? No.
I-i think it's time for a family meeting about this.
Yeah.
- Not another family meeting.
- Come on.
Look, can't we just talk about this without having a formal meeting? Just because you two want to keep up this charade of a '60s participatory democracy, why do we have to be subjected to it? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Because we say so.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Assigned seats? - Assigned seats.
All right.
This meeting will now come to order.
Uh, w-we'll dispense with the minutes.
Any old business? At the last meeting, we decided to boycott the following products Persian rugs, whale blubber Hey, can't we just skip the old business and get on to the problem at hand? It's highly irregular.
Oh, okay.
Okay, look.
I know the burglary's been hard on everyone, but we've got to put it past us.
We can't let fear take over and destroy our lives.
Does that mean I have to stop sleeping with my light on? No, no, you keep your light on as long as you need to if it makes you feel more comfortable.
Can Alex keep his on, too? Jennifer.
You told me to ask.
I explained that to you.
I-I need the light to read by.
You read by a Donald duck nightlight? Ah! All all All I'm saying All I'm saying is, we're going to take some steps to try and help us feel safe again.
Yeah, I think we should keep the house locked at all times.
And don't let any strangers in.
And if you see anybody acting suspicious, call the police.
We want to know where you are and who you're with at all times.
A-at all times? All times.
Well, as a member of this Democratic household, I move we hold a vote on the last issue.
Motion denied.
Do you remember last winter when we all came down with the colds at the same time? Yeah, dad tried to ration tissues to save trees.
Yeah, well, I think getting robbed is a lot like having a cold.
You don't get over it all at once.
It takes a while.
Well, we've all been through this together.
I-I think that we can help each other out.
Well, ever since the robbery, I can't help feeling real weird.
Mm-hmm.
That's because you are real weird.
No, now, every time I go into my bedroom, I feel like there's a stranger watching me.
That's probably Marty obeck across the street.
- Look, Alex, just because - All right, look.
I know you're on edge, but let's try and stick together here.
What do you think about organizing a neighborhood-watch meeting, Elyse? Boy, dad, you'll do anything to hold a meeting.
The police said they would send someone to speak if we did.
- I think it's a real good idea.
- Should we hold it here? Or maybe we should call Phyllis and have it over Chrissy's parents had a neighborhood-watch meeting, and every house on the block got robbed that night except theirs.
We'll have it here.
Just remember, nothing's foolproof.
If burglars want to get in badly enough, they will.
The most you can do is make it hard for them.
And then maybe they'll go down the block instead, to your neighbor's house.
Officer.
Officer.
Now that you've lost control of this meeting, do you mind if I say something? I have a feeling you're going to.
Thank you.
My name is Earl quigley.
I sell insurance.
This should be real subtle and sensitive.
If anybody knows how vulnerable a house can be, it's yours truly.
Believe me, there isn't an alarm system on this earth that can't be suckered.
Do you want statistics? I got statistics.
Pick a crime, any crime.
Okay, um, assault and battery.
One of my favorites.
Up 20% in this neighborhood over the last year.
I'll tell you folks.
We live in a jungle.
At this very moment, there's a crime being committed somewhere in this neighborhood within a five-mile radius.
You wouldn't happen to know where, would you? Let's face it The only way to really protect ourselves is to get a G-u-n.
Now, I wouldn't recommend that for most people.
Accidents happen.
If you've got a gun, you'd better be careful.
I am.
Well, I got to be moving on.
I hope I haven't made you people any more frightened than you already were.
Well, we appreciate your honesty.
Burglars are a peculiar breed.
They're not usually satisfied to hit one house on the block and then move on.
Oh, no.
They'll keep coming back again and again, picking on a neighborhood Pick, pick, pick Till there's nothing left to pick on Leeches sapping our strength, our blood.
Did I say the wrong thing? Which time? Let's remember to keep him out of the locker room at halftime.
Can I help you clean up here a little bit, Elyse? Thanks, Phyllis.
I think I'll just leave it all out for the burglars.
Well, I can't say this meeting did a whole lot for my sense of security.
You want security, Keaton? Get yourself a g-u-n.
You don't understand.
We don't believe in guns.
Oh, that's fine and dandy until you come up against somebody who does.
I got to be going.
Oh, do you have to? Is that the lock you're going with, Keaton? Why can't he understand that we can't have a gun in the house? We've got three children.
I've got four, and I've got a gun.
You, Phyllis? Yes, me.
Hey, you'd be surprised how many people like you and me have guns these days.
I'd think about it if I were you.
I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Yeah, sure.
- Good night, Steven.
- Uh, g-good night, Phyllis.
Geez.
I can't believe it.
Phyllis Evans has got a gun.
What is going on in this world, Steven?! Steven? Hmm? Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Uh Look i-i didn't like the way they put it, but, uh, well, I hate to admit it, but maybe some of what Earl and Phyllis had to say made some sense.
Maybe we should at least consider buying a A g-u You know.
You can't even say it.
My vocal cords can be very stubborn.
It took them six months to say "president n-Nixon.
" Us? A gun? That seems so terribly wrong.
I-I know.
I know.
I also know the world is changing and we've got to adjust to it.
Last time you said that, you signed us up for disco lessons.
Ever since Ever since the burglary, I can't stop myself from thinking about what might have happened if we'd been home when they broke in.
I know that thought crossed my mind, too, three or four hundred times, but I-is a gun the answer? I don't know.
Will you sleep down here with us? What's the matter? We're scared.
I mean, um, they're scared.
I'm trying to be supportive.
Sure, sure.
Why don't we all sleep down here? It'll be fun Just like camping.
Am I gonna have to go to the bathroom outside? Not this trip.
You kids wait down here.
Your mother and I will change into our pajamas and be right back.
Yeah.
We will be right back down.
Okay, come on.
I don't know.
I think this is a mistake.
Now, we're we're just here to look at guns, Elyse.
We don't have to buy one.
And if it feels like a mistake, we won't.
Okay.
There's the gun department over here.
Oh, look, there's a sale on long underwear.
Maybe we should stock up for the kids.
Elyse, we are quite possibly about to take a major step in our lives that involves the security, the safety, and the well-being of our family.
So does underwear.
Elyse.
It's 25% off.
I'm coming.
Uh, hi.
Well, what can I do for you folks today? W-w-w-well well, let's see.
Um Oh, we, uh Uh, we need some camping items Some, uh, insect repellant, a compass, a collapsible drinking cup, a gun, a canteen, electric socks Okay, suppose we cut the song and dance.
What kind of gun do you want? Uh Well, uh What are the different kinds? Depends.
You just want to put a Nick in him, or do you want to blow him away? Well, uh, a Nick, I think.
What do you think, honey? A Nick sounds fine.
Yes, a Nick, then.
You want that to be a small Nick, middle-sized, or the Grand Canyon? Uh, to tell you the truth, we're not all that sure that we want to buy a gun.
You see, actually, we're pacifists.
We've marched for peace seven Oh, no, eight times, if you count that rally in Paris that we thought was for peace but really it turned out to be to legalize prostitution.
Our French wasn't very good at the time.
When were you robbed? How did you know we were robbed? Well, that's what usually gets folks like you in here.
Now, don't be ashamed.
It's no crime to want to protect yourselves.
We just never thought we'd buy a gun.
Well, I think this might be your style.
Most of the pacifists who come in here seem to like it.
Well, I-i-i never I never h-held a gun before.
This is, uh, uh, going to take a minute.
Oh! It's you! They are intimidating, aren't they? That's what makes them so popular.
What do you think? I don't know.
Part of me wants to, and part of me doesn't.
Which part has the wallet? Steven, do you realize I hold in my hand the power to take a human life? What you're holding is the power to save a life.
Put it down, anyway.
Honey, I-if somebody broke into the house right now, we wouldn't be helpless.
That's important.
Yeah, I know that, but it's It's like the time your father sent us that moose head for our anniversary.
It's just not us.
We're not going to hang the gun over the fireplace.
We're not hanging the moose head there, either.
Let's not get into that argument again.
I was wrong about the moose head.
Let it stay in Alex's room.
Okay.
All I'm saying is that we're going to put the gun in a drawer and forget about it.
Are you with me on this? - I'm willing to try.
- All right.
I'll keep the gun in my drawer.
We'll keep the bullets in yours.
Well, here I go.
I'm picking up the gun now.
I've got the gun, and I'm taking it to the dresser Opening the drawer, and I'm putting the gun inside Closing the drawer.
Put the bullets away for me.
My god, Elyse! You could have killed me! Bullets are only dangerous when they come directly out of a gun.
Okay, now I'll tell the kids.
You don't have to tiptoe, Steven.
Guns don't go off by themselves.
You'd make a lousy defense lawyer.
Alex, Mallory, Jen - Hi, dad.
- Hi.
Um, we were just coming up to kiss you both good night.
We haven't even had dinner yet.
We might forget.
We didn't want to take any chances.
Why don't you come on in? We wanted to talk to you anyway.
Yeah, we thought something was up when you two snuck up here with that package and shut the door.
Kids, what you are about to see is strictly off-limits to all of you.
And if you weren't mature enough, I wouldn't let you see it at all.
When did you start wearing colored underwear, dad? Oh.
Wrong drawer.
But, uh, don't touch that stuff, either.
Wow, a gun! Can I take that to school for show-and-tell? Absolutely not! You're never to touch it.
We only showed it to you because we don't want you to stumble upon it by accident.
But we trust you enough to know that you'll leave it alone.
I don't get it.
I thought you two were against guns.
Come over here and sit down.
We'll try and explain it to you.
Uh, this isn't gonna require another family meeting, is it? No, no, no.
Look, mommy and I love you very much.
And we'll do whatever we have to to make sure you're safe.
We'd be a lot happier if there were no such things as guns in the world, but we can't ignore them.
If a gun will keep someone from hurting us, then, uh, we'll have to make that concession.
We still believe in everything we've always believed in.
We haven't changed.
It's just the world has changed.
Do you understand? Is that the biggest gun they had? Would you prefer a flamethrower and some grenades? Okay, now, look, I think we should just try and put the guns out of our minds.
Hopefully, we'll never have to take it out of the drawer, so let's just forget it's there, okay? - Okay.
- Yeah.
Okay.
What do you say we go downstairs and eat? - Mm.
- Yeah.
Great.
What are we having? Hamburgers on sesame-seed guns.
Buns.
Going hunting? Thought you were asleep.
Steven, you've been up four times to check the gun.
I don't think it's going anywhere.
I'm sorry, honey.
It's just making me a little nervous.
Do you think mothballs are bad for the gun? If they are, then we'll just shoot the moths.
I don't know, Elyse.
Ever since the robbery, I've been a little extra cautious.
It's affected us all.
I haven't just been worrying about the gun, either.
I checked the kids six times tonight.
Checked the car.
One of the tires is low.
The plants are holding.
I'm worried about Alex, too, sleeping all the way over at Jimmy barkham's house.
The barkhams live next door.
Let's not split hairs, Elyse.
He's not in his bed.
Get some rest, sweetie.
Know what I admire most about you, Elyse? My incomparable charm and beauty? Your ability to fall asleep in any situation.
That was my next guess.
What was that? I don't know.
Oh! Somebody's downstairs! Stay here.
I'm going down.
- Stop where you are! - Aah! Come on.
Get the light.
Dad! Dad, open up.
It's me, Alex, your firstborn.
Alex, what are you doing here?! I live here, remember? And you're supposed to be at Jimmy's! We had a big fight over social security.
- He was for it.
- Oh! I-I-i felt I couldn't compromise my principles and stay there.
I dropped some things in the closet.
I hope I didn't wake you.
Wake us? Yeah, Alex, you scared us to death.
We thought you were a prowler.
If you hadn't spoken up, I might have Challenged me to a game of tennis? Where is the gun, Steven? I-I-i went to get it.
I opened the drawer.
I even picked it up.
I just couldn't do it.
I guess I was just afraid somebody would get hurt.
I know, and I love you for it.
Well So do I.
Listen.
Listen.
T-this whole thing has shaken me up a little bit, so, uh, if you don't mind, I-i need a drink.
Yeah.
I think the scotch is Wait a minute.
Thought I could slip that one by you.
Is it safe to come down now? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's safe.
It was just Alex.
- Did you shoot him, dad? - No.
No.
There's going to be no shooting in this house.
No guns.
We're taking it back in the morning.
Right, Elyse? Right when you believed in something as long as we have, you can't change overnight.
I know.
I realized that the minute I picked up the gun.
Guns have no place in our lives.
We've worn out too many pairs of sneakers trying to get people to put guns down.
Good.
I have to admit I haven't felt real comfortable since we've had it in the house.
Guns aren't the right image for you guys, anyway.
Don't you guys still believe that all you need is love? Careful, Jennifer.
Don't get them started.
Do you remember when we staged that anti-war sit-in on the steps of the justice department? Too late.
They're back in the '60s.
Of course I remember.
That was a great day.
We beat the national guard 6-1 in the frisbee tournament.
I hope you're satisfied, Jennifer.
Hey, look on the bright side.
At least it's not that story of how they danced naked in the rain at Woodstock.
Do you remember what you said to me just before they took us all away? You said, "the day I pick up a weapon against another man" is the day I admit defeat as a human being.
" I said that? I think it was you.
Were you wearing a plaid shirt? Oh, Elyse.
I-I'm teasing.
I know it was you.
But, you know, I remember thinking, when you said that, "this guy is really deep.
" Okay, so maybe a gun isn't the answer for us.
We'll probably still be scared for a while, but I'd rather live with that fear than to live with a gun.
Me too.
We'll just have to keep searching for the right thing for us.
Would you consider land mines in the front lawn? No.
We'll have maps.
How about bodyguards? The captain of the football team looks real strong.
Nice try.
I've got it! Killer bees!