Family Tools (2013) s01e10 Episode Script

What the hell you doing? Sorting my nuts? Dad, how did you ever work like this? You've got bolts, screws, nuts, old band-aids - is that a finger? - No.
Just a tip.
Dad, it's chaos.
If I'm gonna run this business, I need to know where everything is.
I know where everything is.
It's in there.
Aah! You're not allowed to eat steak.
Aunt Terry's not gonna like this.
Aunt Terry's not gonna find out.
Is she? Whoa, whoa.
What on earth are those? Remember the, uh, - the curtains I made? - Yeah, hated them.
Well, I turned them into pillows you can hate.
Mission accomplished.
Just so you know, I will also hate them as place mats, socks, or beer cozies.
Oh, well, how about I line your coffin with them? Yeah.
Great.
Even in the afterlife, I'll be ass-deep in your beadwork and decoupage.
Why do you keep making this crap? I'm a masseuse.
I spend all day making other people feel good.
I hate it.
If I don't have an artistic outlet, I'll go insane.
I think they're creative.
I like them, Aunt Terry.
I like them, Aunt Terry.
I do.
What exactly do you like about them, Jack? The dad has a steak sandwich.
Damn it, Tony! God! Come on! I haven't had a heart attack in days! That's right.
If I'm going down, you're going down with me.
I'm a small-town guy who took over his dad's fix-it business after he decided to retire.
My aunt takes care of him, whether he likes it or not.
Her son is weird.
Now I'm the boss.
Dad's assistant works for me, sort of.
His sister likes me, I think.
Being in charge is tough, but nothing I can't handle.
I'll fix that! All right, Darren.
Hand me the five-in-one.
Darren? What are you doing? It's laundry day.
Oh, do you want to throw something in? We're working.
Oh, suddenly housework isn't work.
Very sexist, Jack.
Pants on.
Now.
My rash is on your conscience.
It'll haunt me at night.
Can you hand me that five-in-one? Uh, wet clothes? Electricity? I don't think so.
Hey! What are you guys doing here? What are you doing here? Uh, somebody from this address booked a massage.
Yeah, that was me.
I need to destress.
You wouldn't believe how he's been riding me all day.
"Hand me a wrench.
Put on your pants.
" He's not getting a massage.
Now I'm not getting a massage.
It never ends with this guy.
Oh, my God.
Who lives here? Spongebob? This place is making me seasick.
- Barf ahoy! - Hey, Ms.
Dawson.
This is my Aunt Terry.
She's working on some would you like a massage? Yeah, dad, I'm super popular, and girls are breaking my door down.
Whoa, whoa! Ladies! I'm talking with my dad in Afghanistan.
So, what's new with you? Oh, you know.
Same old, same old.
Same old, same old? Your dad's a hero! He is? What'd he do? Dude, our Humvee flipped over, caught fire, and this maniac dragged me to safety! Your dad saved my life and I'm getting him fall-down drunk! Hooah! Wow.
Well, I'll talk to you next week, son.
Make me proud.
I will make you proud! You hear that, ladies? Oh.
Right.
And what are you doing tonight, beautiful? You, big boy.
- Really? - Yes, Gary.
But first I want you to go home, take a shower, wash off all that plaster, and then read a giant book on sarcasm.
I got this! I got this! Mason, what what are you doing? I'm saving Gary's life! - He's not dying.
- What? You led me on.
That's not cool, Gary.
I'm tired of making stuff up to impress my dad.
I got to do something real.
I think you cracked my rib.
You think my dad's gonna care about a cracked rib? Way to go, Gary.
- How long is this gonna go on? - I don't know.
It kind of reminds me of my prom.
It's not what you think.
I was the one crying.
That's not better.
Maybe I was a little out of line.
You know, I should've kept my mouth shut about your horrendous taste.
No, you're right! It's awful! I knew in my heart it was, but everyone said it's classy! Help me.
Oh.
Well, okay.
I mean, just off the top of my head, um, lose the whale jaw 'cause it's big and it takes up a lot of space, and it's a whale jaw.
It's gone.
What else? Okay.
Well, how about, uh - that ridiculous chandelier? - Burn it! I'm thinking forget nautical, you know, it's dated.
You need something fresh, something now Navajo! I love it.
Oh, bless you.
I'm gonna order that dream catcher chandelier right away.
- Thanks, Terry! - You're welcome.
Can you believe what just happened in there? She loved every idea I threw at her! It was such a rush! I just transformed that tasteless woman's life.
- Good job.
- Thank you.
And thank you the adobe plasterwork alone will keep us busy for a week.
Oh, my God.
You're so right! I didn't even think of it.
This is good for you guys, too.
It's perfect! What's perfect? Us.
In business together.
Uh I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know? Come on.
You said so yourself you think I'm creative, so Well, I did say that, didn't I? Uh, so there would be no logical reason I wouldn't agree with you.
Yes! Okay.
Good.
Shotgun! Nice job, captain.
Yes.
I am the captain.
Don't worry.
I have this under control.
Don't tell my dad.
Aah! Geez! What have you done, Jack? Dad, I I think you're overreacting.
Overreacting? You let your aunt sink her claws into our business.
You've ruined us, Jack.
Ruined us.
Oh, that's the first time you called it "our business.
" That's nice.
Would you stop trying to turn every argument into a hug? She's gonna take over.
Aunt Terry would never do that to me.
And we have an awesome relationship.
It was actually kind of nice to see her out there like that.
Yeah, except she's terrible.
Well, yeah, but I don't want to tell her that.
I know what it's like to not have someone support you.
You want support? Go buy a jock strap, Sally.
And there it is.
See, dad? You like to crush people, but I'm not you.
I'm gonna let the clients crush her.
And then, when they reject her "ideas," she'll take the hint.
She's incapable of taking a hint.
She was supposed to move in here for like three months after your mom died.
That was five years ago, Jack.
I have it under control.
Here, she's my Aunt Terry.
Out there, she's my employee.
Phew.
That makes me feel better.
Because I've seen how well you handle your other employee.
- Darren, stop it.
- Oh.
Sorry, man.
Darren, stop it! Whoops.
My bad.
You're good now.
Darren, stop! That's an order! I have Terry under control.
I can handle her.
You're gonna give me another coronary, Jack.
I can save you! What's this, Tony? Uh well, the girl scouts are switching it up this year.
And, uh, you know what a big fan I am of empowering all right.
I ordered some steaks.
Uh-huh.
You have no one to blame but yourself.
You know what? You're absolutely right.
Thanks for looking out for me, Terry.
Tony flank steak.
Women like you, they used to burn as witches.
Love you.
Hey, Aunt Terry.
Hello.
What is this? Oh, just a little something I made for you to celebrate our first official day together.
I forgot about that.
That's very nice of you.
Thank you.
You you did make this.
It's so nice.
Wow.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- It's great.
Well, aren't you gonna put it on? Well, I did just say it was great.
Yeah.
I have one for you, too, smartass.
I should've seen that coming.
Oh, look at that marbling.
I would take that baby across state lines and marry it.
Are you having chest pains? Tingling in the arms? - Do you smell burnt toast? - Mason, could you please? You're wrecking the mood.
I don't know how to do this.
You got to twist it.
We're doing a twist thing, right? - Yeah.
Okay.
- Okay.
Just lift it higher.
Lift the other side.
Come on, guys.
This place isn't gonna paint itself.
Let's hustle.
You want to keep that finger, Darren, put it away.
I do not like this, Jack.
That woman is making me do my job.
I liked it better when you were the boss.
I am the boss.
Now let's get up.
You better do something, 'cause I am this close to breaking a sweat.
Look at that! That's beading right there! Don't worry.
When that client comes in here and sees all the crap she's been moving in, this problem's gonna take care of itself, with a little help from me.
Hey.
Is this a bit much? Too much zebra skin? No such thing.
You trust your instincts.
Don't give in to your fear.
All right, when that client comes in, you want them to know that Terry did all of this.
Thanks, Jack.
Are you ready? I give you the serengeti.
I love it.
What is not to love? You know what? Let me back-comb the zebra skin so you can really see the pattern, okay? Joel as a human with eyes, you cannot possibly like this.
God, no.
It's hideous.
But I would put up with a lot more than that to bag that exotic animal.
Ooh.
I give you Dante's inferno! It's Perfect.
Ah! I'm so glad you like it! Oh, there you are! I've been looking all over for you.
You found me.
Well, I am ready to get to work.
Ooh, unfortunately, we just have a sprinkler job today.
Can't design a sprinkler, right? Yeah.
Well, I canceled that.
What? Today we're turning a condo into carnivale.
But you can still do your little fix-it jobs on Sunday.
"Little fix-it jobs"? That's what we do.
Our company is called Mr.
Jiffy Fix She made me.
Okay, Aunt Terry.
Listen.
I know that design is important to you, but - this is - A dream come true.
I don't remember a time that I have been this happy, and it never would've happened without your believing in me.
- So - I just think I would do anything to support your dreams.
I will do anything to crush her dreams.
Then stand up to her.
Be a man.
Like you? Hey, I'm using fire.
I was so sure my plan would work and I wouldn't have to be the one to hurt her.
I need a client who will tell Aunt Terry to her face that her stuff sucks.
Flozette Coleman.
Worst customer in six counties.
Cranky, overbearing, stinks of gin and kitty litter, and she doesn't have cats.
She's driven 10 contractors into retirement and one into a hall and oates tribute band.
If anyone's gonna crush Terry's dreams, it's Flozette.
Hi.
Mrs.
Coleman? We spoke on the phone about a free design consultation.
Yes.
Hi.
I'm Terry Designs by Terry.
I've got some great things to show you.
I'll be the judge of that.
You took her to Flozette? Told you I had it under control.
That is ice cold.
Respect.
That was fast.
Time to pick up the pieces.
Ahh.
Hey, Aunt Terry.
Rough day? Yeah, things were going great, but when I showed Flozette my design for her living room, things just took a turn for the worse.
Oh, one of those days, huh? I'm sorry to hear that.
- She died.
- What? Yeah.
The EMT said she had an aneurysm.
You killed Flozette.
I think I did.
I she was so excited by my designs, that her brain literally exploded with joy.
Pretty sure that's not how it happened.
Uh, okay, you weren't there.
She keeled over with a huge grin on her face.
Can I put that on my business cards? Aunt Terry, I don't know this woman's health condition, and I don't know what just tragically killed her, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't the beauty of your designs.
How do you know that? Because your designs suck.
- What? - Oh, they suck.
If they suck so much, why'd you tell me that you love them? Because I don't like confrontation, and I was being passive-aggressive, but I am giving up on passive-aggressive and I'm being aggressive-aggressive! I can't believe I let you work for me.
Oh! No, no, no, no.
You work for me! Oh, really? Actually not anymore because you're fired.
You can't fire me! You're fired! - You can't fire me, because I'm the boss.
- I'm firing you.
- Did it.
- Fired you times infinity.
What time are we knocking off?! Seriously.
I got a thing.
It's like I'm eating a hedge.
Somebody talk.
Mason, how was your day? What happened? I'll tell you what didn't happen is no one called me when Mrs.
Coleman died.
Will you give it a rest? No, I will not give it a rest, okay? I'm on a mission.
I just want my dad to be proud of me.
Darren, you're not weird.
You talk.
I've got nothing to say.
These two argued so long, I missed my thing.
What was your thing? Doesn't matter now, does it? Thing's over.
Wait.
There's another thing at 10:00.
See ya.
Terry, would you pass the rabbit food? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'd hate to upset Jack and take away his salad-passing duties.
Well, that's good news for the salad, 'cause wouldn't want the salad - to die.
- Enough.
I don't know what went on out there today.
But this needs to be over.
I'll tell you what happened.
"I'm Jack.
I betray people I'm supposed to love.
" "I'm Aunt Terry from Terry loves Terry, and I'm gonna turn your baby's nursery into a casino.
" It was baby bellagio.
Stop.
Come here.
I want to show you something.
Everybody out.
Look at that.
W I don't see anything.
Oh, I see it.
Oh, of course you do.
You see everything.
What are we looking at? My taillights! Tony! Dad! Get back here! Work your crap out! Okay.
Come on.
Someone's got to fall.
Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Yes! This is for you, dad.
Hey, get out of the way! 'Sup, dudes? I've got a granola bar, three sticks of gum, and what I'm hoping is a dried apricot.
I know I'll last through the night.
We're three miles from home.
Oh, that's right.
You're You're gonna be fine.
You were a park ranger for like a day.
It was two weeks.
I know I'm the one who picked you up from the bus stop, remember? 'Cause I'm supportive.
And when you called and told me you got bit by a moose, did I say, "well, time to pack it in, sparky?" No.
You said it could happen to anyone.
It happens to no one! I knew you'd never make a good park ranger or cop or stunt man, or particle physicist.
There was so much math.
The point is I didn't say anything to you because I knew how important it was to you.
And when you're supportive of someone, you you stick it out to the end, you don't bail halfway through.
I wasn't bailing on you.
What was I supposed to do? - Lie to you? - If you love me, yeah.
I'm sorry.
I should have been more supportive.
And I guess I was a little pushy.
No.
No.
You were fine.
How's my lying? Better.
Thank you.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
That wasn't an apricot.
Yeah.
I didn't think so.
This ends now.
Open up, you frosty bitch! Aah! So, when we get back, should we thank Tony or strangle him? Oh, I don't know why we can't do both.
Hey, mom.
Mason? What are you doing up there? Saving skateboarders.
Thanks for nothing, Jack.
What are you mad at me for? I just saved you.
Exactly.
Now I'm in the red.
You okay, honey? Depressed.
Never gonna save a life.
Need ice cream.
Thank God! Mason! Help me! Yes! See? I knew you'd come around.
You love my pillows.
Well, you know, it's your house, too.
Idiot.
"Your house, too.
" Idiot.