Flight of the Conchords s01e10 Episode Script
New Fans
Okay, so cool ideas.
We've got leather jacket.
- That's good for the image.
- Mm-hmm.
- Where's yours? - It's on my chair.
All right, uh you could put a cigarette behind your ear, or a pencil.
No.
What else do you got? Um you could have a bit of hay coming out of your mouth a little bit of hay.
- All the time? - Yeah.
To look cool, just sort of Hey, how's it going? Hey, man.
All right, question mark on that one.
So, good news anyway.
We've got a winner for the fan competition.
- Mel? - Yeah, how'd you know that? 'Cause there was probably only one entry.
- No, there was hundreds, actually.
- Really? Yep.
They're all from Mel.
- And one from Jemaine.
- Right.
- But he was disqualified.
- Disqualified? - Yep.
- Why was I disqualified? Because you can't be a fan of the band.
- Why? - It's not a good look.
- But I'm a fan.
- Yeah, but people look at the fan list and they say "Oh, hang on, that guy's in the band, isn't he? Well, he likes himself.
" It's not a good look.
You don't see Bret on the fan list.
Yeah, well, that's 'cause I'm not a fan of the band.
I'm more a fan of popular bands like the Bee Gees, Pearl Jam.
All right.
That's what we're trying to do is become popular.
That's why I've got this competition, you know? - All right, what did Mel win? - First prize the chance to cook for you two tomorrow night.
That's a terrible prize.
I'm glad I didn't win that.
It's a good prize.
And you're excited about it.
I've already e-mailed her pretending to be you saying you're excited.
Were you pretending to be me as well? Yes, that's what I do.
It's it's easier.
All right? Actually, next time you see Mel, you might want to apologize for your last e-mail.
Okay.
Why? It's just, I think she was quite insulted.
- All right? - What did you say? We'd better go, okay? We've got a gig, guys.
Come on.
Hey, watch your step there.
Stick together.
It's really busy here tonight.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Mel.
Oh my God, I'm so excited about dinner.
Whoo! Yes! Hey, Bret, that e-mail Bonjour, lay ho, salaam, nabadeey, konnichiwa, and hola.
Welcome to Tuesday World Music Jam.
My baby, come on, let's hear it! World Music Jam? We don't play world music.
Do we? Yes.
Where's New Zealand from if it's not from the world? - Come on.
- But before Wu-Ta, let's bring on Lisa Valenzuela from Mexico.
Let's hear it for Lisa.
There's a lot of hot women here.
Yeah.
Look at those two.
Whoa.
Whew.
I just want to I just want to # Just want to do something special # # For all the ladies # # In the world # # Oh, yes # - # Just want to do something special # - # Ah! # # For all the ladies in the world # # Is that possible? # # And the girl # - # Don't forget that girl # - # Caribbean # - # Lady # - # Parisian # - # Lady # - # Bolivian # - # Lady # - # Nubian # - # Lady # - # East Indochinian # - # Lady # - # Republic of Dominican # - # Lady # - # Amphibian # - # Lady # - # Presbyterian # - # Lady # - # Out of sight # - # Amazing lady # - # Late night # - # Hard workin' lady # - # Erudite # - # Brainy lady # - # Hermaphrodite # # Lady-man lady # # All you sexy hermaphrodite lady-man ladies # # Your sexy lady bits # # And your sexy man bits too # # Even you must be into you-ooh-ooh # # All the ladies in the world # # I want to get next to you # # Show you some gratitude # - # By making love to you # - # It's the least we can do # # If every soldier in the world # # Put down his weapon and picked up a woman # # What a peaceful world this world would be # # Redheads not warheads # # Blondes not bombs # # We're talking about brunettes not fighter jets # # Oh-ho-ho, it's got to be # # Sweet 16s not M-16s # # When will the governments realize # # It's got to be funky sexy ladies? # # I have a vision and all I can see # # Is all of you with all of me # # In a world of peace and harmony # # Where every lady gets a little piece of Bretty # # I've been to Paris, Wellington and Amsterdam # # And a wham-bam, merci, danke, thank you, ma'am # # I don't care if you're ugly or you're skanky or you're small # # Just want to do a little something special for you all # # All the ladies # # In the world # # You deserve it # # Girls.
# That's Inca Son.
Inca Son! All right, there they are.
There they are.
Wow, okay, now let's see.
Something completely different here.
They're from New Zealand.
We have The Flute of the Commodores.
Come on up, guys.
Come on up.
# A, B # - # A # - # A # # D, G, G, G # - # G, G, G # - # G # - # Who likes to rock the party? # - # I like to rock the party # - # Who likes to rock the party? # - # I like to rock the party # # Who likes to rock the party? # # Um-tss, um-tss # # Who likes to rock the party? # # I like to rock the party # - # Who likes to rock the party? # - # I like to rock # Okay! Flight of the Conchords.
Flight of the Conchords.
Thank you very much.
We're Flight of the Conchords.
It's been a delightful night.
Thank you very much.
Hey, guys.
Really good.
Different start to the song.
- What were you doing there? - No, it's the same.
Oh, okay.
So # Ding ding ding dong dong ding # - Well, we were tuning.
- Oh, okay.
That was good.
Okay, so here you are.
- I bought you guys a beer.
- I don't even drink beer.
- I don't drink it either.
- Just drink it, will you? - It's good for the rock 'n' roll image.
- No, I prefer water.
- Hey, guys.
- Hang on, Mel.
Bret, I know you don't like it, but we need it - It tastes disgusting.
- Just drink it.
Good for the image.
I do things for my image make it more rock 'n' roll with the goatee and everything.
I don't like this goatee.
I hate it.
Makes you look like a goat, doesn't it? Yeah, exactly.
But you've gotta make sacrifices for success.
Okay? Go on, just have a sip.
All right.
There we go.
You look cool! - Can I have a go? - Yeah.
That's it.
Yeah.
See, Jemaine's got it.
Think about something happy.
I need to go to the toilet.
What if I go like what if I do - some sort of thing like this? - I like that.
That's over the top.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Hey, Jemaine, those girls are looking over at us.
Do you think they might be looking at me? They're looking at all of us! Tell you what, maybe if I pretend to go to the toilet, you guys see if they're looking at me.
- Okay? - Yep.
No, they're not looking at me! I might actually go to the toilet now that I'm over here! - Okay.
Okay - Okay, cool.
For the dinner that I won, I was wondering if you liked arugula or romaine lettuce.
Hey.
Hey, we were at your show earlier.
- Hey.
- I really like that one you did - about how you liked to rock the party.
- Oh, yes.
- I like to rock the party.
- Oh! You must have been really wasted when you wrote that.
- No.
- Do you mean on drugs? Oh, yes, we were tripping - when we wrote that one, that's right.
- Oh.
We were totally whacked off.
- What? - Whacked off? Uh, that's just a drug term we use back in New Zealand when we're out of it.
We say "Oh, man, I was whacked off - Cool.
last night.
" Hello.
I'm Murray Hewitt.
I manage the guys.
Well, it was really great to talk to you guys! - Whoa.
- A fan of ours.
Hey, do you want to join the fan list? Here we are.
Here's a card with our website on.
And you can get online and e-mail the guys and they'll reply to you.
- All right, see you guys later.
- Okay, see you.
- All right.
- You are a real rock 'n' roll band.
- Good night.
- Bye.
Well, how about that, eh? A real rock 'n' roll band.
- That'll be the beer, you see? - Yeah.
Yeah, my goatee probably would've helped as well.
- I think it was more the beer.
- They weren't looking at your goatee.
Yes they were.
One of them was.
It's all part of the image.
This is working well.
Just need to build on it now.
Dave, we need to borrow some of your cool clothes.
You want to borrow my clothes? Yeah, I need something that's cool but also sexy.
Oh, I got just the thing.
I got a shirt that's got a mouse having sex with another mouse in a mousetrap.
I score chicks in this shirt all the time.
Let me find it.
It must be in here somewhere.
Here it is.
There you go.
Huh? - Yeah - No no, I guarantee you, I was just pumping away in this thing the other night.
- Okay.
- Will that definitely work? Oh, for sure.
- Really? - Yeah.
Uh, I was hoping to dress something like Prince.
Kind of erogenous, huh? Yeah, but toned down a bit, like, Prince if he was just going to the zoo or the supermarket.
- Casual Prince? - Casual Prince.
Hang on a sec.
Shh! Jesus! Sorry guys.
My roommate's being kind of a jerk.
But look, I got you this.
Is that a woman's blouse? - No.
- Looks like a blouse.
No no no.
This is what you're looking for, man.
That's totally Prince.
And if you accessorize with these belts I brought two, depending on what shoes you wear.
Okay, man, thanks.
Yeah, no problem.
And maybe hide that on your way out 'cause if my roommate sees I mean, she is crazy.
She thinks she's my mom.
That is your mom.
Dude, you think I live with my parents? - Oh, is that your dad, though? - No.
That's just some old, crotchety Indian couple that I sublet to.
The weird thing is they look like me.
They've got photos of themselves with you as a kid.
I know.
It's creepy.
I think they make them on the computer.
See? Now I just reply as you, Bret.
"That sounds great.
" And she'll just reply in a couple of minutes.
And look at this.
That's that's our bedroom.
Yep.
That's a live webcam from your bedroom.
- What? - Fan base loves it.
Actually, Jemaine, I've had a really good response from something that happened with you when you were alone with the webcam.
Do you know what that would be? I didn't know we had a webcam.
Okay, well, whatever you're doing, just be careful, all right? - What are you implying? - Well, if I had a webcam above my bed, sometimes I might, you know, forget it's turned on.
I didn't know we had a webcam.
I think I might sleep in the lounge from now on.
Oh, okay.
Well, here we go.
There's the lounge.
All right? Now item three the new fans.
We've tripled the fan base.
So we need two new t-shirts made up.
Who wants to take care of that? You? Okay, good.
I was hoping for that.
Murray, t-shirts.
All right, that's everything.
Oh, and you've got dinner with Mel tonight, so don't forget.
We can't go tonight.
What do you mean you can't go, Jemaine? We've got a double date with those new fans Summer and Rain.
You can't cancel it.
It's the competition.
She's cooking your favorites.
Scrambled eggs for you, Bret.
- And anything for you, Jemaine.
- Really? - Hmm.
- Yes! You can't just neglect your old fans like that.
What happens when the new fans fly the coop? You'll end up like ZZ Top.
- What are you talking about? - You know, ZZ Top.
- Yeah? - They sang the song about the the the woman with the legs.
Anyway, they grew big beards, their old fans didn't like it.
The new fans didn't like them without the beards, and then they had a do-we-have-a-beard- or-not situation.
- Is this relevant? - Yes! You have to go to the dinner, Jemaine.
Mmm.
Mel, these scrambled eggs are terrific.
Thank you, Bret.
Yeah, thanks for the food.
It's really nice.
Thank you.
Um, what was your name again? - It's Rain.
- Oh.
That's nice, like kind of like bad weather.
I remember your name from the fan list.
I check it regularly.
Do you check it regularly? - No.
- No.
Do you not have a computer, or - No, I do have a computer.
- Oh, you can't read.
Isn't it great having all the fans together? - Yes.
- Isn't this isn't this good, and scrambled eggs.
Yeah.
Hey, by the way, it was really great to win the prize to have dinner with just the two of you tonight.
- Mmm.
- Con congratulations.
Mmm.
Well done.
So, who's the old dude in the photo with you? That's my husband Doug.
Oh, I thought he was your dad.
He's a little bit older than me.
- Yeah.
- He was my college professor.
I remember seeing him on the first day of college.
He was so dapper and so knowledgeable.
And I just had to have him.
He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame.
And I got what I wanted.
I always get what I want.
Hey, Mel, do you have any beer? - Oh, yeah, I'd like a beer.
- Yeah.
Mmm, that would be great.
- But you don't drink beer, Bret.
- I drink it all the time.
I could drink a whole glass of beer.
I thought it always made you go to the toilet.
No.
Nope.
I'll have a big, delicious beer.
Excuse me.
I'll get your beers.
Have a gallon have a gallon of it.
- Hey, guys, watch this.
- Oh, yeah.
- Great.
- Thanks, Mel.
- Thank you, Mel.
- Mm-hmm.
- There's your beer.
- Yum! Yum! That's good.
Wow.
I just need to go to the toilet.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Oh, hi, Doug.
Oh, hey, Bret.
Are you gonna come up for dinner? Uh, no.
This is Mel's special day.
Besides, I'm I'm happy down here.
- You sure you don't want to come up - Yeah yeah.
Yeah, I got a lot of work to do.
- You know, so - Okay.
- See you, Doug.
- Uh, Bret, don't mention that you saw me here.
Okay.
Bret! Hey, Bret, can I have a quick word with you? Those girls, I don't trust them, Bret.
They have no interest in you as musicians.
- They just want to - Just want to what? They want to do it with you, Bret.
- Sex? - Yes.
And I know your policy on sexual relations with fans, Bret.
I've got to go to the bathroom, Mel.
Bret, I know It's just that, Bret, I just hope that you'll make sure that they respect your boundaries.
- Thank you, Mel.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Are you okay? Do you need any help with - Uh, can you please leave? - Oh, you don't need any help? - L I'm going to the toilet, yeah.
- Everything's fine with you? Okay, great.
Jemaine, Mel thinks they're not interested in the band, they're interested in sex.
- Sorry we have to run off, Mel.
- That was delicious! Congratulations on the prize.
Okay, well, I wish you'd stay.
I made a lot of dessert.
- I made tapioca pudding.
- Bye! Angel food cake! So, uh, you guys want to get whacked off? - What? - Yeah.
Whacked off, you know, do some drugs.
- Mmm.
- Oh.
Yeah, do you guys want to do some acid? Um, I have a cold.
- So I won't.
- Yeah.
I've also got the same cold.
It's airborne.
You could just have a half if you want.
- Yeah - I'll just have a half as well.
- Oh, give Jemaine that big half.
- I couldn't have all that.
Uh, no.
I'm I've just had a big pasta salad.
I'm full.
Maybe just half my half again.
- I'll just have a 16th.
- Okay.
A 16th for you.
A 16th for you.
Oh, thank you.
Is that it? No, that's a dry piece of skin.
You dropped it.
There you go.
Go on.
Lick it! - Ready, Bret? - Yeah.
Oh, flub! # I'm the pretty prince of parties # # You're a tasty piece of pastry # # You're so lighty flighty flaky # # I go where the party takes me # # I'm a funky monkey junkie # # You're a flunky bunky dunky # # You're a picture of the devil's daughter # # I'm a pitcher of holy water # # Oh, pretty prince of parties # - # Where's the party now? # - # I don't know # # Oh, pretty prince of parties # - # Where does water go? # - # I let it flow # # Oh, pretty prince of parties # - # Can I come to your party? # - # No # # Oh, pretty prince of parties # - # Where do you get your clothes? # - # They're made of snow # # Pretty party clothes crocheted of snow # # I'm the mickey Maori minstrel # # You're the high priestess of tinsel # # I'm the guru god of ganja # # Rama shalanka lanka Ravi Shankar # # La la la la la la la la la la la la la # # La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la # # La la la la la la la la la la la la la.
# I'm just gonna go to the toilet.
I'll see you later.
- Jemaine.
- Hmm? I'm really kind of nervous.
How come? I'm going to suggest that we have a threesome.
Oh.
I just have to go and talk to Bret quickly.
- Bret.
- Get out.
- I'm having an acid reflux.
- Bret, you got to go home.
- Why? - You got to go home.
Because I've been offered a threesome.
- What about me? - No, you're not included.
- Go home.
Go home.
- Well, I can't just walk out of here.
Just just make an excuse.
See you later, man.
See you at home.
This doesn't look like Prince.
Well, thanks very much for a delightful evening, but unfortunately I've gotta go 'cause I've got a doctor's appointment.
- At night? - Yeah.
Bret, do you want to have a threesome? Oh.
Just one second.
Bret, get out.
What are you doing here? You got it wrong.
They want me in the threesome.
What? That's not a threesome, that's a foursome.
I don't know.
I've never had a threesome.
I don't want you in my threesome, you don't know anything about threesomes.
- You ever had a threesome? - Nearly.
What you mean, nearly? - I had a twosome.
- Wow.
What was that like? Great.
I've done it several times, man.
- Just one of you there, then one - Yeah.
Oh no, I've had a twosome! - That's just the normal way.
- Yes.
Yeah, I've done that.
I've had a one-way and a two-way.
- This is my chance to have a three-way.
- No, it's my big chance.
- You've got to go, you took too long.
- What? You snooze, you lose, man.
You're gonna have to go, make an excuse.
Say you got a driving lesson.
- Get out of here.
- I can't believe you.
Uh, I'm sorry I have to go.
I have a late-night driving lesson.
- Summer, where's Rain? - Oh, Rain went home.
She didn't want to be here while we were all having a threesome.
- You, me - And Jemaine.
Jemaine, can I have a word with you in the bathroom? Is it impolite not to do it considering she's offered and it's her place? No.
Can't do it.
No.
- I won't do it.
- What, you're not doing it? - No way.
- If you're not doing it, I might do it.
- Are you gonna do it? - Yeah, why not? I'm gonna go for it.
- Okay, let's do it.
- No, don't do it.
- What? Don't do it.
I'm gonna do it.
- Okay, let's do it.
I'm not gonna do it if you do it.
Are you doing it? - You're not doing it? - No.
- Okay, I won't do it.
- Well, if you're not doing it, then I think I'm yeah, I'm gonna do it.
Yeah, but if you do it and I'm not there, you're back to a two-way.
Oh, yes, you're right.
I think we should just go in there and say thank you and then go home.
No, we'll feel obliged to do it.
Let's just climb out the window and go home.
Come on.
Oh, hi, Summer.
- Hey.
- Bret, what are you doing? Um yeah.
- Um - Oh, hey.
Again, just want to say thank you for a delightful evening.
- Thanks for the acids.
- And the offer of the threesome.
- And, um - Really wonderful night.
- Okay, Bret.
- Yes.
- Jemaine.
- Yes.
Murray, present.
Now, what happened last night? The new fans gave us illegal drugs and - wanted to have a threesome with us.
- Whoa, really? - Mmm.
- That's pretty rock 'n' roll.
No, it was very awkward.
We don't want to have sex with each other in the You can't e-mail the fans and tell them we're have man-man-lady threesomes.
Yeah, it's not you can't you just can't do that, Murray.
Well, look, just to let you know, all right, that sort of behavior is actually the norm.
- It's standard practice.
- What, for the manager to e-mail the fans and offer them man-man-lady threesome? You'll be offered drugs.
You'll have threesomes, dinners, you know? You'll end up going into town in a taxi, have a couple of drugs, have dinner, have a threesome, go home again.
Have a shower, go out again, more drugs, more threesomes happens all the time.
- All right? I mean, I'd do it.
- Yeah, we did Okay, now look, you've lost your fan list now.
The two new fans have dropped out of the gang.
- We still got Mel.
- Nope, she's gone as well.
- She's off the list.
- Really? - Yes.
- How many fans have we got now? None.
Empty club.
I've put a note here no one.
Oh no, here we go.
Perhaps here, Jemaine, - would you like to join the list? - Yes.
Yeah? Okay.
What about you, Bret? Can you join the fan list? No way.
No, I'm just not a fan of the band at all.
Hey, Jemaine.
Hmm? Last night, did you look? We agreed never to talk about this.
- Yeah, but did you look? - I didn't look.
- Did you look? - I had my eyes shut most of the time.
What do you mean most of the time? I opened them a little bit so I could see what I was doing.
Good night, Bret.
Go to sleep.
What were you doing with that chair? Oh, yeah yeah.
I took a rest for a while.
You weren't in the threesome? No, I was resting.
Actually, me and her both took a break for a while.
You were just up there by yourself.
Hello? Go to sleep.
Stop chatting.
- All right, Murray.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Say good night for me.
Just wave at him.
- Say goodnight to Mel.
- All right.
Good night, Mel.
Good night.
We've got leather jacket.
- That's good for the image.
- Mm-hmm.
- Where's yours? - It's on my chair.
All right, uh you could put a cigarette behind your ear, or a pencil.
No.
What else do you got? Um you could have a bit of hay coming out of your mouth a little bit of hay.
- All the time? - Yeah.
To look cool, just sort of Hey, how's it going? Hey, man.
All right, question mark on that one.
So, good news anyway.
We've got a winner for the fan competition.
- Mel? - Yeah, how'd you know that? 'Cause there was probably only one entry.
- No, there was hundreds, actually.
- Really? Yep.
They're all from Mel.
- And one from Jemaine.
- Right.
- But he was disqualified.
- Disqualified? - Yep.
- Why was I disqualified? Because you can't be a fan of the band.
- Why? - It's not a good look.
- But I'm a fan.
- Yeah, but people look at the fan list and they say "Oh, hang on, that guy's in the band, isn't he? Well, he likes himself.
" It's not a good look.
You don't see Bret on the fan list.
Yeah, well, that's 'cause I'm not a fan of the band.
I'm more a fan of popular bands like the Bee Gees, Pearl Jam.
All right.
That's what we're trying to do is become popular.
That's why I've got this competition, you know? - All right, what did Mel win? - First prize the chance to cook for you two tomorrow night.
That's a terrible prize.
I'm glad I didn't win that.
It's a good prize.
And you're excited about it.
I've already e-mailed her pretending to be you saying you're excited.
Were you pretending to be me as well? Yes, that's what I do.
It's it's easier.
All right? Actually, next time you see Mel, you might want to apologize for your last e-mail.
Okay.
Why? It's just, I think she was quite insulted.
- All right? - What did you say? We'd better go, okay? We've got a gig, guys.
Come on.
Hey, watch your step there.
Stick together.
It's really busy here tonight.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Mel.
Oh my God, I'm so excited about dinner.
Whoo! Yes! Hey, Bret, that e-mail Bonjour, lay ho, salaam, nabadeey, konnichiwa, and hola.
Welcome to Tuesday World Music Jam.
My baby, come on, let's hear it! World Music Jam? We don't play world music.
Do we? Yes.
Where's New Zealand from if it's not from the world? - Come on.
- But before Wu-Ta, let's bring on Lisa Valenzuela from Mexico.
Let's hear it for Lisa.
There's a lot of hot women here.
Yeah.
Look at those two.
Whoa.
Whew.
I just want to I just want to # Just want to do something special # # For all the ladies # # In the world # # Oh, yes # - # Just want to do something special # - # Ah! # # For all the ladies in the world # # Is that possible? # # And the girl # - # Don't forget that girl # - # Caribbean # - # Lady # - # Parisian # - # Lady # - # Bolivian # - # Lady # - # Nubian # - # Lady # - # East Indochinian # - # Lady # - # Republic of Dominican # - # Lady # - # Amphibian # - # Lady # - # Presbyterian # - # Lady # - # Out of sight # - # Amazing lady # - # Late night # - # Hard workin' lady # - # Erudite # - # Brainy lady # - # Hermaphrodite # # Lady-man lady # # All you sexy hermaphrodite lady-man ladies # # Your sexy lady bits # # And your sexy man bits too # # Even you must be into you-ooh-ooh # # All the ladies in the world # # I want to get next to you # # Show you some gratitude # - # By making love to you # - # It's the least we can do # # If every soldier in the world # # Put down his weapon and picked up a woman # # What a peaceful world this world would be # # Redheads not warheads # # Blondes not bombs # # We're talking about brunettes not fighter jets # # Oh-ho-ho, it's got to be # # Sweet 16s not M-16s # # When will the governments realize # # It's got to be funky sexy ladies? # # I have a vision and all I can see # # Is all of you with all of me # # In a world of peace and harmony # # Where every lady gets a little piece of Bretty # # I've been to Paris, Wellington and Amsterdam # # And a wham-bam, merci, danke, thank you, ma'am # # I don't care if you're ugly or you're skanky or you're small # # Just want to do a little something special for you all # # All the ladies # # In the world # # You deserve it # # Girls.
# That's Inca Son.
Inca Son! All right, there they are.
There they are.
Wow, okay, now let's see.
Something completely different here.
They're from New Zealand.
We have The Flute of the Commodores.
Come on up, guys.
Come on up.
# A, B # - # A # - # A # # D, G, G, G # - # G, G, G # - # G # - # Who likes to rock the party? # - # I like to rock the party # - # Who likes to rock the party? # - # I like to rock the party # # Who likes to rock the party? # # Um-tss, um-tss # # Who likes to rock the party? # # I like to rock the party # - # Who likes to rock the party? # - # I like to rock # Okay! Flight of the Conchords.
Flight of the Conchords.
Thank you very much.
We're Flight of the Conchords.
It's been a delightful night.
Thank you very much.
Hey, guys.
Really good.
Different start to the song.
- What were you doing there? - No, it's the same.
Oh, okay.
So # Ding ding ding dong dong ding # - Well, we were tuning.
- Oh, okay.
That was good.
Okay, so here you are.
- I bought you guys a beer.
- I don't even drink beer.
- I don't drink it either.
- Just drink it, will you? - It's good for the rock 'n' roll image.
- No, I prefer water.
- Hey, guys.
- Hang on, Mel.
Bret, I know you don't like it, but we need it - It tastes disgusting.
- Just drink it.
Good for the image.
I do things for my image make it more rock 'n' roll with the goatee and everything.
I don't like this goatee.
I hate it.
Makes you look like a goat, doesn't it? Yeah, exactly.
But you've gotta make sacrifices for success.
Okay? Go on, just have a sip.
All right.
There we go.
You look cool! - Can I have a go? - Yeah.
That's it.
Yeah.
See, Jemaine's got it.
Think about something happy.
I need to go to the toilet.
What if I go like what if I do - some sort of thing like this? - I like that.
That's over the top.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Hey, Jemaine, those girls are looking over at us.
Do you think they might be looking at me? They're looking at all of us! Tell you what, maybe if I pretend to go to the toilet, you guys see if they're looking at me.
- Okay? - Yep.
No, they're not looking at me! I might actually go to the toilet now that I'm over here! - Okay.
Okay - Okay, cool.
For the dinner that I won, I was wondering if you liked arugula or romaine lettuce.
Hey.
Hey, we were at your show earlier.
- Hey.
- I really like that one you did - about how you liked to rock the party.
- Oh, yes.
- I like to rock the party.
- Oh! You must have been really wasted when you wrote that.
- No.
- Do you mean on drugs? Oh, yes, we were tripping - when we wrote that one, that's right.
- Oh.
We were totally whacked off.
- What? - Whacked off? Uh, that's just a drug term we use back in New Zealand when we're out of it.
We say "Oh, man, I was whacked off - Cool.
last night.
" Hello.
I'm Murray Hewitt.
I manage the guys.
Well, it was really great to talk to you guys! - Whoa.
- A fan of ours.
Hey, do you want to join the fan list? Here we are.
Here's a card with our website on.
And you can get online and e-mail the guys and they'll reply to you.
- All right, see you guys later.
- Okay, see you.
- All right.
- You are a real rock 'n' roll band.
- Good night.
- Bye.
Well, how about that, eh? A real rock 'n' roll band.
- That'll be the beer, you see? - Yeah.
Yeah, my goatee probably would've helped as well.
- I think it was more the beer.
- They weren't looking at your goatee.
Yes they were.
One of them was.
It's all part of the image.
This is working well.
Just need to build on it now.
Dave, we need to borrow some of your cool clothes.
You want to borrow my clothes? Yeah, I need something that's cool but also sexy.
Oh, I got just the thing.
I got a shirt that's got a mouse having sex with another mouse in a mousetrap.
I score chicks in this shirt all the time.
Let me find it.
It must be in here somewhere.
Here it is.
There you go.
Huh? - Yeah - No no, I guarantee you, I was just pumping away in this thing the other night.
- Okay.
- Will that definitely work? Oh, for sure.
- Really? - Yeah.
Uh, I was hoping to dress something like Prince.
Kind of erogenous, huh? Yeah, but toned down a bit, like, Prince if he was just going to the zoo or the supermarket.
- Casual Prince? - Casual Prince.
Hang on a sec.
Shh! Jesus! Sorry guys.
My roommate's being kind of a jerk.
But look, I got you this.
Is that a woman's blouse? - No.
- Looks like a blouse.
No no no.
This is what you're looking for, man.
That's totally Prince.
And if you accessorize with these belts I brought two, depending on what shoes you wear.
Okay, man, thanks.
Yeah, no problem.
And maybe hide that on your way out 'cause if my roommate sees I mean, she is crazy.
She thinks she's my mom.
That is your mom.
Dude, you think I live with my parents? - Oh, is that your dad, though? - No.
That's just some old, crotchety Indian couple that I sublet to.
The weird thing is they look like me.
They've got photos of themselves with you as a kid.
I know.
It's creepy.
I think they make them on the computer.
See? Now I just reply as you, Bret.
"That sounds great.
" And she'll just reply in a couple of minutes.
And look at this.
That's that's our bedroom.
Yep.
That's a live webcam from your bedroom.
- What? - Fan base loves it.
Actually, Jemaine, I've had a really good response from something that happened with you when you were alone with the webcam.
Do you know what that would be? I didn't know we had a webcam.
Okay, well, whatever you're doing, just be careful, all right? - What are you implying? - Well, if I had a webcam above my bed, sometimes I might, you know, forget it's turned on.
I didn't know we had a webcam.
I think I might sleep in the lounge from now on.
Oh, okay.
Well, here we go.
There's the lounge.
All right? Now item three the new fans.
We've tripled the fan base.
So we need two new t-shirts made up.
Who wants to take care of that? You? Okay, good.
I was hoping for that.
Murray, t-shirts.
All right, that's everything.
Oh, and you've got dinner with Mel tonight, so don't forget.
We can't go tonight.
What do you mean you can't go, Jemaine? We've got a double date with those new fans Summer and Rain.
You can't cancel it.
It's the competition.
She's cooking your favorites.
Scrambled eggs for you, Bret.
- And anything for you, Jemaine.
- Really? - Hmm.
- Yes! You can't just neglect your old fans like that.
What happens when the new fans fly the coop? You'll end up like ZZ Top.
- What are you talking about? - You know, ZZ Top.
- Yeah? - They sang the song about the the the woman with the legs.
Anyway, they grew big beards, their old fans didn't like it.
The new fans didn't like them without the beards, and then they had a do-we-have-a-beard- or-not situation.
- Is this relevant? - Yes! You have to go to the dinner, Jemaine.
Mmm.
Mel, these scrambled eggs are terrific.
Thank you, Bret.
Yeah, thanks for the food.
It's really nice.
Thank you.
Um, what was your name again? - It's Rain.
- Oh.
That's nice, like kind of like bad weather.
I remember your name from the fan list.
I check it regularly.
Do you check it regularly? - No.
- No.
Do you not have a computer, or - No, I do have a computer.
- Oh, you can't read.
Isn't it great having all the fans together? - Yes.
- Isn't this isn't this good, and scrambled eggs.
Yeah.
Hey, by the way, it was really great to win the prize to have dinner with just the two of you tonight.
- Mmm.
- Con congratulations.
Mmm.
Well done.
So, who's the old dude in the photo with you? That's my husband Doug.
Oh, I thought he was your dad.
He's a little bit older than me.
- Yeah.
- He was my college professor.
I remember seeing him on the first day of college.
He was so dapper and so knowledgeable.
And I just had to have him.
He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame.
And I got what I wanted.
I always get what I want.
Hey, Mel, do you have any beer? - Oh, yeah, I'd like a beer.
- Yeah.
Mmm, that would be great.
- But you don't drink beer, Bret.
- I drink it all the time.
I could drink a whole glass of beer.
I thought it always made you go to the toilet.
No.
Nope.
I'll have a big, delicious beer.
Excuse me.
I'll get your beers.
Have a gallon have a gallon of it.
- Hey, guys, watch this.
- Oh, yeah.
- Great.
- Thanks, Mel.
- Thank you, Mel.
- Mm-hmm.
- There's your beer.
- Yum! Yum! That's good.
Wow.
I just need to go to the toilet.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Oh, hi, Doug.
Oh, hey, Bret.
Are you gonna come up for dinner? Uh, no.
This is Mel's special day.
Besides, I'm I'm happy down here.
- You sure you don't want to come up - Yeah yeah.
Yeah, I got a lot of work to do.
- You know, so - Okay.
- See you, Doug.
- Uh, Bret, don't mention that you saw me here.
Okay.
Bret! Hey, Bret, can I have a quick word with you? Those girls, I don't trust them, Bret.
They have no interest in you as musicians.
- They just want to - Just want to what? They want to do it with you, Bret.
- Sex? - Yes.
And I know your policy on sexual relations with fans, Bret.
I've got to go to the bathroom, Mel.
Bret, I know It's just that, Bret, I just hope that you'll make sure that they respect your boundaries.
- Thank you, Mel.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Are you okay? Do you need any help with - Uh, can you please leave? - Oh, you don't need any help? - L I'm going to the toilet, yeah.
- Everything's fine with you? Okay, great.
Jemaine, Mel thinks they're not interested in the band, they're interested in sex.
- Sorry we have to run off, Mel.
- That was delicious! Congratulations on the prize.
Okay, well, I wish you'd stay.
I made a lot of dessert.
- I made tapioca pudding.
- Bye! Angel food cake! So, uh, you guys want to get whacked off? - What? - Yeah.
Whacked off, you know, do some drugs.
- Mmm.
- Oh.
Yeah, do you guys want to do some acid? Um, I have a cold.
- So I won't.
- Yeah.
I've also got the same cold.
It's airborne.
You could just have a half if you want.
- Yeah - I'll just have a half as well.
- Oh, give Jemaine that big half.
- I couldn't have all that.
Uh, no.
I'm I've just had a big pasta salad.
I'm full.
Maybe just half my half again.
- I'll just have a 16th.
- Okay.
A 16th for you.
A 16th for you.
Oh, thank you.
Is that it? No, that's a dry piece of skin.
You dropped it.
There you go.
Go on.
Lick it! - Ready, Bret? - Yeah.
Oh, flub! # I'm the pretty prince of parties # # You're a tasty piece of pastry # # You're so lighty flighty flaky # # I go where the party takes me # # I'm a funky monkey junkie # # You're a flunky bunky dunky # # You're a picture of the devil's daughter # # I'm a pitcher of holy water # # Oh, pretty prince of parties # - # Where's the party now? # - # I don't know # # Oh, pretty prince of parties # - # Where does water go? # - # I let it flow # # Oh, pretty prince of parties # - # Can I come to your party? # - # No # # Oh, pretty prince of parties # - # Where do you get your clothes? # - # They're made of snow # # Pretty party clothes crocheted of snow # # I'm the mickey Maori minstrel # # You're the high priestess of tinsel # # I'm the guru god of ganja # # Rama shalanka lanka Ravi Shankar # # La la la la la la la la la la la la la # # La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la # # La la la la la la la la la la la la la.
# I'm just gonna go to the toilet.
I'll see you later.
- Jemaine.
- Hmm? I'm really kind of nervous.
How come? I'm going to suggest that we have a threesome.
Oh.
I just have to go and talk to Bret quickly.
- Bret.
- Get out.
- I'm having an acid reflux.
- Bret, you got to go home.
- Why? - You got to go home.
Because I've been offered a threesome.
- What about me? - No, you're not included.
- Go home.
Go home.
- Well, I can't just walk out of here.
Just just make an excuse.
See you later, man.
See you at home.
This doesn't look like Prince.
Well, thanks very much for a delightful evening, but unfortunately I've gotta go 'cause I've got a doctor's appointment.
- At night? - Yeah.
Bret, do you want to have a threesome? Oh.
Just one second.
Bret, get out.
What are you doing here? You got it wrong.
They want me in the threesome.
What? That's not a threesome, that's a foursome.
I don't know.
I've never had a threesome.
I don't want you in my threesome, you don't know anything about threesomes.
- You ever had a threesome? - Nearly.
What you mean, nearly? - I had a twosome.
- Wow.
What was that like? Great.
I've done it several times, man.
- Just one of you there, then one - Yeah.
Oh no, I've had a twosome! - That's just the normal way.
- Yes.
Yeah, I've done that.
I've had a one-way and a two-way.
- This is my chance to have a three-way.
- No, it's my big chance.
- You've got to go, you took too long.
- What? You snooze, you lose, man.
You're gonna have to go, make an excuse.
Say you got a driving lesson.
- Get out of here.
- I can't believe you.
Uh, I'm sorry I have to go.
I have a late-night driving lesson.
- Summer, where's Rain? - Oh, Rain went home.
She didn't want to be here while we were all having a threesome.
- You, me - And Jemaine.
Jemaine, can I have a word with you in the bathroom? Is it impolite not to do it considering she's offered and it's her place? No.
Can't do it.
No.
- I won't do it.
- What, you're not doing it? - No way.
- If you're not doing it, I might do it.
- Are you gonna do it? - Yeah, why not? I'm gonna go for it.
- Okay, let's do it.
- No, don't do it.
- What? Don't do it.
I'm gonna do it.
- Okay, let's do it.
I'm not gonna do it if you do it.
Are you doing it? - You're not doing it? - No.
- Okay, I won't do it.
- Well, if you're not doing it, then I think I'm yeah, I'm gonna do it.
Yeah, but if you do it and I'm not there, you're back to a two-way.
Oh, yes, you're right.
I think we should just go in there and say thank you and then go home.
No, we'll feel obliged to do it.
Let's just climb out the window and go home.
Come on.
Oh, hi, Summer.
- Hey.
- Bret, what are you doing? Um yeah.
- Um - Oh, hey.
Again, just want to say thank you for a delightful evening.
- Thanks for the acids.
- And the offer of the threesome.
- And, um - Really wonderful night.
- Okay, Bret.
- Yes.
- Jemaine.
- Yes.
Murray, present.
Now, what happened last night? The new fans gave us illegal drugs and - wanted to have a threesome with us.
- Whoa, really? - Mmm.
- That's pretty rock 'n' roll.
No, it was very awkward.
We don't want to have sex with each other in the You can't e-mail the fans and tell them we're have man-man-lady threesomes.
Yeah, it's not you can't you just can't do that, Murray.
Well, look, just to let you know, all right, that sort of behavior is actually the norm.
- It's standard practice.
- What, for the manager to e-mail the fans and offer them man-man-lady threesome? You'll be offered drugs.
You'll have threesomes, dinners, you know? You'll end up going into town in a taxi, have a couple of drugs, have dinner, have a threesome, go home again.
Have a shower, go out again, more drugs, more threesomes happens all the time.
- All right? I mean, I'd do it.
- Yeah, we did Okay, now look, you've lost your fan list now.
The two new fans have dropped out of the gang.
- We still got Mel.
- Nope, she's gone as well.
- She's off the list.
- Really? - Yes.
- How many fans have we got now? None.
Empty club.
I've put a note here no one.
Oh no, here we go.
Perhaps here, Jemaine, - would you like to join the list? - Yes.
Yeah? Okay.
What about you, Bret? Can you join the fan list? No way.
No, I'm just not a fan of the band at all.
Hey, Jemaine.
Hmm? Last night, did you look? We agreed never to talk about this.
- Yeah, but did you look? - I didn't look.
- Did you look? - I had my eyes shut most of the time.
What do you mean most of the time? I opened them a little bit so I could see what I was doing.
Good night, Bret.
Go to sleep.
What were you doing with that chair? Oh, yeah yeah.
I took a rest for a while.
You weren't in the threesome? No, I was resting.
Actually, me and her both took a break for a while.
You were just up there by yourself.
Hello? Go to sleep.
Stop chatting.
- All right, Murray.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Say good night for me.
Just wave at him.
- Say goodnight to Mel.
- All right.
Good night, Mel.
Good night.