Frasier (2023) s01e10 Episode Script

1
[CHUCKLES]
You again.
["ROCKIN' AROUND
THE CHRISTMAS TREE" PLAYING]
It seems my attempts to kill you
have only made you stronger.
Oh, hey.
- Is that Grandpa's?
- It is.
Ronee sent over a box of Dad's
old Christmas decorations.
I know.
Where's a package thief
when you need one?
Aw, come on, he's fun.
Plus, this little guy taught me
it's okay for men to dance.
You doing all right?
Yeah, I'm just sitting here thinking.
I used to hate Dad's
Christmas decorations and now
even this old Rudolph wreath
is making me sentimental.
Aw. Want me to hang it up?
I said I was wistful, not insane.
I loved those Christmases in Seattle.
Yeah, me, too.
Now we're all scattered about.
I miss those times.
Yeah, maybe I should have
gotten a tree this year.
It just didn't seem right.
Huh.
- What?
- Hmm.
Just, uh,
- had an idea for a cool gift for you.
- Mm.
Something that could bring you
back to those days.
If it's a La-Z-Boy
or a Jack Russell, don't bother.
Still, I'm worried
it's gonna feel kind of empty
around here this year.
Well, why don't we
invite a few people over
for Christmas Eve.
I mean, it's kind of last minute, but,
fortunately,
most of my friends are losers.
So are mine.
Yeah, plus, it doesn't
have to be some big,
formal, elegant thing.
Some big, formal, elegant thing.
- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.
We could have a giant banquet
and some music, carols
a dress code!
Dad, do you think you're maybe
getting a little nuts
about this party idea as a way
of avoiding
your feelings of grief about Grandpa?
I think my best response to that
is a three-word phrase that's often used
in psychiatric circles.
The first word is "No,"
the third word is
"Sherlock."
It's two days away.
Y-You don't have time
to plan a big, fancy thing.
It'll be a disaster.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, you're probably right.
We'll keep it simple.
[BELL RINGING]
Hear ye, hear ye!
You are officially invited
to the Crane Christmas Soiree
at the Frasier Crane residence
this 24th of December at 5:00 p.m.
Dad, didn't we say no to this,
like, 40 minutes ago?
And where'd you get a scroll?
Hear ye, hear ye!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um,
so I don't think I'm gonna make
it to your dad's party tonight.
Oh, no. You sure?
There's gonna be mulled wine.
It's like sangria you left
in your car on a hot day.
Uh, it's just
it's our first Christmas
since Adam and all, and, uh,
I don't want to bring everyone down.
We're talking about people
who are available
on a day's notice
for a Christmas Eve party.
Bring 'em down to where?
I-I get it. I miss him, too.
- You gonna be okay?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Just going to put John to bed,
and I have a Hallmark movie lined up.
It's really on the nose,
even by Hallmark standards.
It's called
A Christmas for the Holidays.
Want me to check in on you?
No, no, no. I don't want you to
have to miss your dad's party.
Eve, please.
I think I can handle helping
two people in one night.
After all, I, uh
do make my living as a hero.
Mm, you were so close to being sweet,
and then, bam, you douched it up.
Yeah, well
Thank you.
Hero.
[PHONE VIBRATES]
Oh, sorry, Dad. I was
hoping your gift would be
here in time for the party,
but doesn't look like it will.
Oh, please.
We have fine wine, champagne,
homemade eggnog,
the Brandenburg String Quartet,
a Christmas goose
from Elysian Farms and
my son.
Everything's perfect.
Assuming you are going to
change out of those rags.
Feliz Navidad, fam.
And a half a belated happy
Hanukkah to you, Freddy.
Thank you very much, David.
My dad told me your flight
got delayed till tomorrow.
That's all right. Now I get
to see your dad's reaction.
My reaction to what?
You intended to order 24 chairs
and one Christmas tree, right?
Yes
[GASPS]
Oh, holy night.
Okay, well, the Christmas
side of me loves it.
The firefighter side of me is thinking,
"Oh, this building's gonna
make the local news tonight."
I was in such a hurry when I ordered,
I must have transposed the numbers.
- It's okay, Dad.
- It's not okay.
It's a Sylvan Nightmare.
There's nowhere to mingle.
There's nowhere to jingle.
What about my sit-down dinner?
Well, maybe we make it a buffet.
Perfect. Christmas at the Sizzler.
And where are the flowers I ordered?
FLORIST: I'm the florist.
The flowers are back here.
Dad, you don't have to worry.
I'll take care of all this.
Just focus on the big picture.
I'm trying, but I can't see
the florist for the trees.
Oh, Frederick.
Well, this does look much better.
But I fear there may be
more troubles that lie ahead.
One might say we're
not out of the woods yet.
Or you might not. I'll
check on the hors d'oeuvres.
You see, just as Scrooge
was visited by three ghosts,
I fear that because
of my hurried planning,
we may be visited by a trio of mishaps.
Uh, wait.
So you think you made two other mistakes
- besides this tree thing?
- No, no, no, no.
The trees are just Marley
warning us of what's to come.
Stay by my side tonight.
Yeah, don't worry, Dad.
I'll-I'll be here. I'll keep you from
Frasiering all over everything.
I have asked you not
to use my name as a verb.
I
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Welcome.
- FRASIER [LAUGHING]: Oh!
- May I take your coats?
- Yes, please.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Thank you for coming. Please, come in.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Business doesn't stop for the holidays.
Really? Business stopped for me
the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.
So, um,
how does this work, Frasier?
Do I just tag the one I want
and you tie it to my car?
Okay. Sent.
I cannot stay long. I'm sorry.
[CHUCKLES]
Thank you. Evaluations are due tonight.
But evaluations were due yesterday.
Oh, yeah, but then
I evaluate the evaluations,
and then the dean evaluates my
evaluation of the evaluations.
It's, it's a lot, but that's
the thrill of bureaucracy.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Oh.
- Hey.
- [LAUGHS]
- Hey, buddy, merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas
You a big party guy, sir?
Oh, not so much, no.
I find chitchat between people
a bit tedious, you know? Like, um
now, for instance.
I totally understand.
Perhaps there's something
we could do to spice up
our social interactions.
I'm barely listening, but go on.
For example, what if we try to slip
the names of all nine reindeer
into casual conversation
without anyone noticing?
That's the most idiotic
and pointless idea.
I'm slowly warming to it.
It's brilliant and I'm in.
Ah, Professor Roupel.
And who is this "Vixen"?
[CHUCKLES]
[MOUTHS]
Hey, I know you said you were fine,
and by the looks of it, you totally are,
but I thought you might
still like some cookies.
So
You doing okay on your own?
[CRYING]: Yeah.
Okay, well, I'm convinced.
But, just out of my own peace of mind,
I'm going to find you some company.
- Huh? Be right back.
- Oh, no, you don't have to.
Can you bring more cookies?
Yeah.
- Dips?
- What?
- Maybe a protein?
- Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hello, men.
- Talking about the Patriots?
- No.
My brother's in
the Peace Corps and there's
- political unrest
- Can you believe their defense?
They're always "Blitzen," am I right?
Two.
Hey, guys, I got to be here for my dad,
but would you mind keeping
Eve company for a bit?
She's feeling a little down.
Sure, we just got here,
but I've had enough.
- Look who I found.
- Hey, merry Christmas.
Oh, my God. Merry Christmas.
- Aw, how you doing, kid?
- Hi.
Thank you for bringing the guys over.
Take a seat, take a seat. I feel so bad.
It's not festive in here.
I don't even have a tree.
Be right back again.
So, what are you watching?
Oh, uh, it's a TV movie
about a big city businesswoman
who gets stuck in
a small town for the holidays.
Oh, she just met the town's
- only ambulance driver.
- Oh.
WOMAN: Sorry, I have to go.
Santa's not the only one
with a deadline tonight.
MAN: Hey, you can't work all the time.
It's Christmas.
They're total opposites.
There's no way this will work out.
WOMAN: Yes, but my client
is expecting me.
MAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
You know what I like
most about this snowman?
He's not in a hurry to get anywhere.
Come on. He's wearing flannel,
she's in a business suit.
There's just no way.
Freddy.
Freddy. Freddy, where are you?
- Right here, Dad.
- Oh, gosh.
Our first ghost has appeared.
In my haste, I over-whisked the eggnog.
So, what, it's a little thick?
If you don't see this as a disaster,
the eggnog is not the only
thing that's a little thick.
Dad, everyone's having a good time.
The party isn't ruined.
Just put enough brandy in it,
no one will notice.
Thank you, thank you.
Your calmness has, has given me
some measure of relief.
I-I reached out to your Uncle
Niles and this is what he wrote.
"Twas the night before Christmas
"and all through the house,
not a creature
"was stirring except Frasier
who went overboard
and ruined the eggnog."
No, I-I would love to date more.
I-I just, I have a hard time
meeting people outside of work.
So you've yet to be struck by
"Cupid's" arrow?
Tortured way of putting it, but sure.
That's three.
Am I drinking flan?
ALL: Drink!
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, my gosh. Freddy, thank you.
Uh, um, we're playing a game.
Every time you see a Christmas
cliché, you have to drink.
WOMAN: These are just
like the ginger snaps
I had as a little girl.
Wistful childhood memory. Drink.
- ALL: Drink!
- MAN 2: A little help, Sharon.
Bumbling dad tangled
in Christmas lights.
ALL: Drink!
Isn't this just constant drinking?
Congratulations, Freddy.
You figured out the point
of drinking games.
Look at you,
out of your blanket. Feeling any better?
Yeah. Yeah. I'm actually having fun.
It's too bad, though, that
we're almost out of the booze.
Say no more.
My dad has, like, $1,000-worth
of champagne over there.
Oh, how much champagne did he get?
Two bottles.
WOMAN: It's snowing.
Snowfall right before
a kiss in the woods.
ALL: Drink!
Are there more movies like this,
or is this the only one?
Freddy, we've had our second haunting.
Oh, cool, you're sticking
with that metaphor.
Got a major problem with the quartet.
[STRING MUSIC PLAYING OUT OF TUNE]
I don't know, I'd say it's more of a
- minor problem.
- Freddy!
I did not hire
the Brandenburg String Quartet,
I hired the Brandenburg
Elementary School
- String Quartet.
- Dad,
don't panic. I'll take care of the kids.
You just try and relax. Have some fun.
Dev. Louise. Ah, welcome.
- How are you?
- Sorry we're late.
We just came from a charity event.
Really? Which one?
Save the Trees.
How about some champagne?
Well, it's already all gone.
Uh, Freddy? Freddy.
Oh, goodness.
I wonder where it all went.
Glug, glug, glug. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, hey, Smokey.
You here for my dad's party?
Oh, God, no, no, no, no. Not my scene.
Moose just texted they're all at Eve's.
What are you up to?
Oh, just running back and forth,
trying to keep two sad people happy.
Been there.
[PHONE RINGS]
Oh, I got to take this.
It's about my dad's gift.
Would you give those to Eve?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Smokey, you're here for my party?
- Uh oh
- And you brought some champagne.
The same brand of high-end
champagne we just ran out of.
My God, it's a Christmas
miracle. Come on in.
This is a party?
Well, it's a little
slow right now, but
alcohol will help.
Mm-hmm.
- [KIDS GIGGLING]
- Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry, Louise, uh
My son Frederick said
he would be minding them.
Uh, Frederick?
- Freddy!
- And you can take that to the bank,
or my name's
not Alan "Prancer" Cornwall.
I'm worried our game is too easy.
I know. What if
we get other people to say
the remaining reindeer names
without realizing?
Oh, now that sounds impossible.
Alan, I wanted to tell you what
happened at the haberdasher.
I was being suited like
I was Rudolph Valentino.
Why? Because of the new comet
exhibit at the Harvard
Yes, yes, lovely story, Dev. Lovely.
Thank you very much
for ruining our game.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Yes?
I have a Christmas goose
for Frasier Crane.
Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
Uh, listen, just, uh,
put it on the kitchen counter.
Now, you listen to me, you
little sugar-fueled rodents.
I need you to start behaving
in a professional manner.
I want you to stop playing
and start playing.
[GASPS]
Freddy? Freddy, come quick.
My goose is not cooked!
[PLAYING OUT OF TUNE]
[STRING MUSIC PLAYING OUT OF TUNE]
♪
The time has come, goose.
I'm gonna do to you what those
kids have been doing
to Tchaikovsky out there.
I'll grab some more beers.
- Oh, oh.
- Oh, God, excuse me.
- Oh, sorry.
- Sorry, my fault.
Hey, you're Dr. Crane's boss.
Oh, yes. Olivia.
And-and you're Freddy's work colleague.
Bernard, but everyone calls me Moose.
Oh, right, like the dessert.
Yeah, exactly.
Well, it's, uh, nice to see you,
Bernard, but I-I have to go.
Santa's not the only one
with a deadline tonight.
Hey.
You can't work all the time.
It's Christmas.
Well, yeah, but
the dean is expecting me to
Whoa, slow down.
You know what I like most
about this snowman?
He's not in a hurry to get anywhere.
- What?
- Come on. Stay for a drink.
Ah, what the heck?
I'm in the movie.
[PLAYING OUT OF TUNE]
That's it. I'm out.
I would have hated this
even if they played good.
I'm going to the party across the hall.
There's another party?
We could finish our game
at the other party,
but the right thing to do is stay.
No, I-I can't hear you over
the playing, I'm afraid.
Can you say this all again over here?
Oh, uh, yes. The, uh, we could
No, no, no, no, no.
I still can't hear you.
- This way, this way.
- Yes, but No.
- But the right
- No, no, no, this way.
The right thing to
[PHONE RINGS]
Niles. Merry Christmas.
Yes. Yes, David is here. Yes.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you,
but the Christmas party is a big hit.
I'm staring
at a fabulous Christmas goose
e'en as we speak.
- Oh, yes, it's very fresh.
- [HONKS]
That's, uh, the Christmas
clown is here. Got to go.
Merry Christmas.
Freddy. Freddy!
So, everyone's left the party.
I'm
I'm all alone.
On Christmas.
My son, who swore he'd stay by my side,
has abandoned me.
[VIOLIN PLAYING "O TANNENBAUM"]
Oh, sure, now you can play.
All right. All right, then.
Um, what's your fourth
favorite Elton John song?
I don't know, "Tiny Dancer."
BOTH: "Dancer."
All right, last one.
Our hardest one yet.
I don't know if we can do it.
Oh, David. No, we mustn't give up.
And I refuse to get to know
these people better.
That's great. My dad's
going to be so excited.
Thanks. Yes!
[MUSIC AND LIVELY CHATTER NEARBY]
- ALL: Hey!
- FREDDY: No, no, no.
What is going on? You're not
supposed to be having fun.
You're supposed to be
over at my dad's party.
Merry Christmas. Thank you for coming.
Off you go, then.
Here's hoping that Santa Claus
brings you the gift of rhythm.
[MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]
No, I'm serious, guys. You got to get
back over there before
Is this?
That's my Christmas tree.
That's my champagne.
My guests.
FREDDY: Yeah, things
might have got a little
- out of hand.
- Yes, they certainly did.
You know, Crane parties have always had
their little setbacks. A dead seal,
a bird on the head,
a bed through the ceiling.
A corpse.
But never has a party of mine
snuck across the hall
and gone to another party without me.
Never in the history of
parties has there been one
with so much betrayal
since the Donner party.
BOTH: "Donner!"
Dad! Dad, I'm sorry.
It's unbelievable.
I really needed you tonight,
- and I got this.
- I know.
I know, and I'm sorry, it's just
I was trying to help
Eve out, too, and then
I stepped outside to take care
of your gift, which should
- be here any minute.
- Who cares about some
- silly gift?
- It's not silly, it's
Dad, I know you wanted
a big party tonight, but
I think this-this gift might be
what you need even more.
What I need right now is a little space.
You go back to your party.
Dad, I [SIGHS]
[SUCKS TEETH]
[SIGHS]
Dad, I really miss you.
["ROCKIN' AROUND
THE CHRISTMAS TREE" PLAYING]
[MUSIC SLOWS, STOPS]
[PHONE VIBRATES]
"Your gift is at the door."
- Roz!
- Hi.
You look like crap.
What are you doing here?
Well, I got a call from
Freddy a couple of days ago,
and he said you were down
and that you could really stand
to see an old friend.
Gosh.
He's a good kid, huh?
Yeah, he is.
- Can I get you a drink?
- Yeah, I would love one.
- [GLASS BREAKS]
- [GOOSE HONKS]
- Can I take you to a bar?
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
How's your father doing?
Mm. He's with Roz now, so he'll be fine.
So, no need to keep
tidying up out of guilt then.
There you are.
Well, thank you
for taking care of me and your dad.
Neither of us would have
made it if it wasn't for you.
You know what you're
making me sound like, right?
A hero.
It's nothing.
You guys are both going
through a tough time.
What about you?
What do you mean?
Well, yeah, your dad and I
each lost people we loved,
but you lost both of those people.
I'm okay.
Are you sure?
I mean, we all have
our own ways of coping.
Maybe yours is running around,
trying to make everyone else happy
so that you don't have
to think about how you feel.
Maybe.
Okay, well,
just know that we are both here
if you ever need us.
Thanks.
Matter of fact,
there is something
I could use your help with.
Oh, sounds like you need
a hero.
Yeah, see, I'm not hearing
the problem. You sound cool.
Pardon my presumption,
but I'd say your sister engages
with you antagonistically
'cause she's jealous of you.
Yes, exactly.
It's got to be hard for you,
you know, being the pretty one.
It is. Mm-hmm.
Oh, I wish I could
stand here and listen to you
keep bashing my sister, but
I have to get back to work.
I think I left my planner
across the hall.
Well, I'll walk you over.
It's a sketchy hallway.
Well, I had a lot of fun.
As did I. Most fun I've ever had sober.
You've had six whiskeys.
British sober.
Well, then, uh, Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you.
- Or
- "Twelve Days of Christmas"?
Louise, my turtledove, how are you?
Ooh, I can't see anything in here.
Oh. Uh oh.
There it is. [LAUGHS]
Wow.
These lights are beautiful.
This is almost perfect.
Almost?
Well, we're in the woods.
It's Christmas Eve.
There should be snow. That's all.
Oh.
- Close enough?
- Close enough.
Um, I hate to ruin
such a perfect moment,
but I just realized
there's a really important
phone number on that paper.
- Here's to old friends.
- Mm.
And to those who are no longer with us.
To Martin.
He was one of the greats.
Yeah.
He always treated me
just like one of his own kids.
He treated his own kids like
they were from another planet.
I miss him.
I miss him, too.
You know, the only thing I regret is
that he didn't have a chance
to see me reconnect with Freddy.
To see how I'm trying to be
the kind of father he was.
I'd like to think he'd be proud of me.
Are you kidding? [SCOFFS]
He's so proud of you.
He's always been proud of you.
I bet he's up there right now
smiling ear to ear, watching
the two of you together,
laughing his ass off
at how stupid your party went.
- That's a nice thought. Mostly.
- [CHUCKLES]
So, how's little Alice?
She's good. She's good.
She's been dating the same guy
for, like, four years.
You know how many boyfriends
I could have had in that time?
- You've raised an underachiever.
- Yeah.
She's actually spending
Christmas with his family this year.
Ah! So you've been
abandoned by your child, as well.
Oh, boy. What happened with Freddy?
Well, we were supposed
to spend the evening together.
He went over and spent time
with his friend Eve instead.
Oh, a little holiday romance?
No, no, they're just friends.
Eve's boyfriend died last year.
He was also Freddy's best friend.
I'm sorry.
You're mad at Freddy
because he went to be with his
dead best friend's girlfriend
on her first Christmas without him?
- She also has a baby.
- Oh.
Damn it, Frasier.
Wow, I haven't said that in a long time.
It feels good.
You're right. He was just
being there for her, too, just
So what if he just missed
a couple of moments at my party?
A few moments?
You said he abandoned you.
Emotionally, he did.
- Damn it, Frasier.
- Oh.
You're right. It's like a warm
hug from an old friend.
[LAUGHS]: Yeah.
You know [CLEARS THROAT]
I better get back there.
He's probably still at Eve's.
I can apologize to him.
You want to come along?
Oh, what, a party full of firefighters?
I don't know, I'm actually kind of busy.
- Let's do this.
- Okay.
[KNOCKING]
Oh, I guess everybody went home. Uh
[MUSIC AND LIVELY CHATTER NEARBY]
ALL: Hey!
- [OVERLAPPING GREETINGS]
- Merry Christmas.
Welcome! Hey, Roz.
- Glad you could make it.
- Hi, Freddy.
FRASIER: My goodness! Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Alan.
- Merry Christmas, Frasier.
- Merry Christmas, as always.
- Hi, Doc.
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
- Hey, Dad.
- [CHUCKLING]: Well,
what is all this, huh?
We, uh, wanted to give you
the Christmas you had in mind,
so rounded up a few extra chairs,
called in a few favors, and here we are.
Thank you.
And also I'd like to apologize
for Frasiering all over everything.
[CHUCKLES]
Just want to give you
a good Christmas, Dad.
You know, you're a lot
like your grandfather.
You look after everybody else
before looking after yourself.
But, uh, are you okay?
I'm okay.
And I know I can come to you if I'm not.
- Glad you're here.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Everyone, Merry Christmas!
Thank you so much.
God bless you, everyone.
My goodness.
Now how do you feel
about killing a goose?
One, two, three.
[PLAYING "TOSSED SALADS AND
SCRAMBLED EGGS" OUT OF TUNE]
But I don't know what ♪
To do with those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Life's callin' again. ♪
Merry Christmas, everybody!