Friends with Benefits s01e10 Episode Script

Four punches! Straight punches! Hey, Fits, great news! Hey, Ben, real job.
Yeah, yeah.
Step cuts! My friend Joe showed my musicbox to his Boston Halstead Records.
Hey, don't say "blog".
And we're kicking, now! Hey, they want to bring me in for an interview.
That's great, man.
We're all starting to worry about unemployed Ben.
What are you watching? Intervention.
What's you watchin'? Barefoot Contessa.
All you talk about is meth! Intervention.
Intervention? I can handle it! You don't You don't know me! There were talks of staging an Intervention intervention.
Not me, baby.
I'm indestructible.
I'm Superman.
Oh To Ben, for pursuing a job he doesn't have to lie to girls about.
Hey! So I texted Joe.
I want to buy him a "thanks for the interview" drink.
Really? Ah, I hate it when we hang out with people that aren't us.
Oh, no.
It's okay.
I'll just make small talk or something.
No.
Oh, no.
I texted the wrong Joe.
Sara, why aren't you breathing? Sara dated this Joe after college.
He destroyed her.
Hey, guys.
Joe! I mean hey.
What's so bad about Joe? He's kind of cute.
Well, Joe is Sara's mindbanger.
Okay, I'll bite.
What's a mindbanger? Well, you know, it's that one person who gets into your head and takes over your mind.
And once you're dating that person, you forget who you are and all the things you care about.
And all that matters is sustaining your dysfunctional relationship.
Gia Pots.
Tanya Baker.
Adam Foster.
See? So what happens when Sara's with Joe? Well, first, she blows off all of her friends.
Hey, guys.
Joe and I are gonna go somewhere a little quieter to catch up.
No.
No, you're not.
Not allowed.
Remember our friendship promise? Listen up, Ben.
Ow.
If I ever try to get back together with Joe, ever, promise me you won't let me.
I Promise me.
I promise.
You're hurting me.
Ow.
Ben, please, I was 23.
I was young and naive.
It's just catching up.
Or, whatever.
Okay.
Thank you for coming with me and making sure I do not buy this car.
I don't need this car.
I'm here to look at it.
I don't even have a place to put this car.
I should buy this car.
Should I get this? No.
You're doing a great job.
Hi.
Riley? Ariel.
Hi.
How's it going? Hi.
I'm Ariel.
Like the mermaid.
But with legs.
And other parts.
How do you guys know each other? You know, the Scene.
Oh, my God.
I love this car.
What's a girl got to do to get a ride in it? I think you just talk to one of the salespeople over there and Or Just say yes to me when I ask you on a date.
And then I will come and pick you up in it.
This is my building.
8:00.
See you later, Riley.
Bye-bye.
Boom! Did you see that? That was the smoothest moment in my whole life! I was like Bruce Wayne.
I was like when Michael Keaton played Bruce Wayne, not like when Val Kilmer played Bruce Wayne.
You don't want this car, and you don't want to go out with Ariel.
Yeah, I do.
She has legs and other parts.
She's a skanky scenester chick who bangs rich guys to get free stuff.
Are you saying that she just wants to have sex with me because I'm rich? Yup.
That is so awesome.
Don't you want to go out with somebody who likes the real Aaron? No.
The real Aaron has a very spotty track record.
I got us a "Build Blackbeard's Ship" kit! Say hello to our weekend.
I have to go.
I know we've only known each other for about three days, but I'm falling in love with you.
I'm sorry, what? I love you.
I have to go.
And then the fourth time my mom tried to kill herself, I was away at camp.
Just go.
Okay.
The people that Ariel hangs out with are fake.
You're a real person.
Right, but maybe real isn't really working out for me.
Nobody likes real.
Everyone likes real.
I mean, breasts, Housewives, Time with Bill Maher.
Okay, stop.
Here's a question.
Would you rather eat a raw potato, or double-bacon potato skins with sour cream and chives? Well, potato skins, but Bah! Analogied! Excuse me.
I'm gonna go buy this car.
It's open.
Come in.
Sara, hey.
I have something to say to you, so, um, I wrote it down in a letter like they do on Intervention.
Okay.
"Dear Sara, "I know you've rekindled your romance with Joe, but your behavior is really scaring the people who love" I can't hear you! Come in here! "you.
"Oh.
Help me rinse.
Fine.
No! My speech! Oh, man.
Why is your head leaking dark goo? I'm dying my hair.
Oh! Damn it.
You know what? You're in phase two.
Yeah.
You're becoming the girl you think Joe wants.
I'm not changing myself for Joe.
You are literally changing yourself.
But not for Joe.
For me.
And the fact that Joe happens to love black hair is a total coincidence.
Okay, and what are you doing now? I'm cutting my bangs.
And how does Joe feel about bangs? Mm-mmm-mmm.
Look, I know what you're thinking.
But things are different with Joe now.
All right? We talked about it last night, and he admitted that last time he wasn't ready for the level of relationship that I was looking for.
And that's why he disappeared for days on end.
Uh-huh.
But this time, he's totally into it, and I like to think that people can change.
Otherwise, why would I be doing this? Uh-oh.
Oh I can't believe you rented this whole cabana.
It's, like, $2,000 a night.
Anything for m'lady.
Ooh, Aaron, these are my friends.
Hey, let's get some bottles up in "hurr.
" All on me! Holla at the baller.
Yeah! Whoo! Whoa! Ah! Whoa! Send my heart to hell Thanks for the misery Send my heart to hell, cash on delivery Uh! Thank you for coming.
I just got paged.
I have to get back to the hospital.
Can you keep an eye on Joe for me? We gotta watch him offstage, too? You see that girl who looks like the love child of Adriana Lima and Belle from Beauty and the Beast? Five minutes ago, she asked him if he wanted a drink.
She's a waitress.
Exactly.
A normal girl can't go up to a guy and say, "Do you want a drink?" without seeming like a whore, but a waitress can.
How convenient.
Okay, you know what? This is classic phase-three paranoia.
Stop phasing me.
It's perfectly normal to be territorial when you care about someone.
Especially when he struggles with the temptations of an up-and-coming rock star.
I mean, have you seen Almost Famous? Almost Famous? This place was a crack den three weeks ago.
Just keep an eye on him.
Thanks for the misery Nice cover, slut.
Send my heart to hell, cash on delivery.
Thank you.
Well, I guess there's only one way to break up Sara and Joe.
I gotta bring back Emma.
Who's Emma? You don't get it! My keys! Give me my keys! Give me my keys.
You don't get it! You don't get it! Give me my keys.
Give! You don't get it! Emma is my mindbanger.
We dated for, like, two years.
I wore chinos, studied for the LSATs, apolenta.
It was bad.
Wait.
How will bringing back Emma? Listen to my story.
Okay, so one night, I took Emma out to meet up with Sara and Joe Stop it.
You're so cute.
Hey, guys.
I need another drink.
It's on me.
They're not coming back are they? They dumped us for each other because Because? Because? If you think I know the end of your story, you are wrong.
Because Joe and Emma are each other's mindbangers.
They break up and get back together all the time.
Now if we can just get Joe and Emma into the same room or whatever Oh! Then Joe will leave Sara for Emma.
Yes! Now you got to throw a party or something because, you know, I cannot be in the same room as Emma.
What? Who's gonna clean up? And what am I gonna do with the post-party brie wheel? No one ever finishes that thing and you can't take it to a shelter.
I'll take the brie.
I'm in.
Okay.
Thanks.
Oh, I would look hot in that dress.
Well, add to cart.
I'd look so cute in that romper.
Well, add to cart.
Okay, I think we're all set for the party.
Now under no circumstances are you to let me in, okay? Not if I'm on fire, not if I'm drowning.
Do not let me in.
Oh, and if anything goes wrong, check the backup plan.
We didn't make a backup plan.
He better come through on that cheese.
Darts.
Darts, darts, darts.
I wonder what Emma looks like now.
No, Ben, you don't wonder.
Shut up! Don't tell me what I wonder.
Oh, here we go.
Look, I'll just do a walk-by, check her out and come right back.
That's a terrible idea.
Tell you what, if I hit a bull's-eye with this next dart, I can go.
Close enough.
Look, we dated for two years.
There's nothing wrong with just seeing what she looks like.
That's normal human curiosity.
Okay, here we go.
Oh, my God, she's an angel.
Hey, man.
I'm just gonna head up to the Whoa, hey! Oh! Uh nope.
Nope.
Uh-uh.
Are you seriously not gonna introduce me before the band goes on? Baby, you know I'm terrified of public speaking.
My voice gets all croaky and I always think my nose is running.
I don't think you understand what a pivotal moment this is for Soul Ache It's like her supportive girlfriend act is all just fake Yo, I think we should blow pretty soon.
They're doing a Cristal luge over at the Thompson.
Sounds duh.
Excuse us.
Riley?! Geez! Okay, seriously? This isn't you Yeah, I know.
I'm a baller now, Riley.
This is awesome.
I'm ballin' like The Omnivore's Dilemma author Michael Pollan.
Aaron, this isn't who you are.
You are not the guy who texts while he gets kissed.
You are the guy who kisses a girl, and then sends out 40 texts asking what it meant.
You know what I think's going on right now? I think you got your little panties on the bunch, because the "A" train, is not all up in your grill like you're used to.
J-to-the-ealous much? What? Aar, I just found a Web site where you can design your own dog, and they make it in a test tube.
Come and look.
Nope, not jealous.
What I said.
I have to go design a very expensive dog.
I'll talk to you later.
Emma? Yeah? I need you to meet someone.
Okay.
Shouldn't I meet you first? I'm Fitz.
Now we are besties.
Okay.
Come on.
Emma! Emma! Ben? Emma! No-no-no-no-no, don't look over there.
Look over here.
Pongo will be genetically perfect.
Just like his mommy.
Oh.
We you jump in the spot, the crowd start booing But we only go so we keeping it movin' Keep it movin', keep it movin' Keep it, keep it, keep it movin'! I need more black friends.
So, we're supposed to be at Dennis' and Marjorie's potluck at 8.
There is a stone fruit salad on the counter.
Pick it up after you take the LSATs, and meet me at their condo.
Didn't we see Dennis and Marjorie five days ago? Yeah.
I miss them.
Don't you think they're a little pretentious? So, Ben, let's talk skiing this Christmas.
Chamonix? Gstaad? Jackson Hole? Hole.
Hole.
You know, it wouldn't kill you to be a little bit more like Dennis.
He's a partner at one of the biggest law firms in Chicago.
Dennis is a douchebag.
If I woke up one day and I was Dennis, I'd blow my brains out.
You know what? Don't come tonight.
No, you're overreacting.
No, really, don't come.
What you're doing is you're overreacting.
Don't come.
I will take the stone fruit salad myself.
I'll take the stone fruit salad.
No, I'll take the stone fruit salad! So,how's it going with Emma? Good, good.
Going to a potluck tonight, so Dude, I am really worried about you.
Okay.
Dude, you have not answered your phone in days.
Yeah.
Are you even going to that record company interview? No.
No, I'm gonna take the LSATs.
That's what Benemma wants.
Oh, that's Ben and Emma, you know, you put together.
Dude, snap out of this, man! I'm gonna level with you.
You and Emma are horrible together.
Uh, okay.
Yeah, Fitz, you have no idea what Emma and I are.
Yeah, well, I know that the two of you yell "stone fruit salad" a lot.
Yes, Emma and I fight.
But that's only because we love each other.
See, if you could stay with one girl for more than two seconds, you would know that anger and love are the same side of two different coins.
What? Burn! That boy has been mindbanged.
If something goes wrong, check the backup plan.
Aaron, these Bellinis are bombtastic! I know.
Hey, guys.
Riley, what are you doing here? Just wanted to meet your new crew.
You got money? Perfect.
I'm hot.
This'll work.
Could I just Just for a second? Yeah, there we go.
What are you doing? Just checking out the Scene.
No.
You hate that I'm not being real, and you're trying to prove that my relationship is disgusting by being disgusting with that guy.
You're taste-of-my-own-medicine-ing me.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Okay.
Welcome to the Scene.
Ariel, let's eat some gold.
Hey, stop! Don't do it anymore.
Fitz? How did you find me? Listen, Sara, Ben is about to miss a life-changing interview for a career he would love to take a test for a career he'd hate all because Emma wants him to.
Emma? They broke up five years ago.
Yeah, well, he brought Emma back to get Joe to Forget it.
Just watch this.
May I? Dear friends, if you are watching this, then the Ben you know is gone.
I was unable to stay away from the party and got back with Emma.
I have a new bad life, but you know, I don't regret my choice.
Sara, I sacrificed myself to honor a friendship promise I made with you a long time ago.
And I would rather hurt for the rest of my life than to watch you get hurt by Joe for one more day.
Oh, my God.
How bad is he? Arguing-over- stone-fruit-salad bad.
Oh, my God.
He's miserable.
And I'm miserable.
And I have black hair and "So" on my ass.
LSATs? Let's go.
Thanks, Terry.
Look at her, trying to teach me a lesson.
Like she's a lesson master.
Well, two can play at this not-at-all fun game.
I'm gonna teach the teacher.
Ariel, I've got to pee.
Okay.
Hello, Riley, having fun? Oh, yeah.
And you know what? I was thinking.
Now that the old Aaron no longer exists and you're, like, this new scene guy, why don't we be on the scene together? Haven't we been doing that? No.
See, instead of buying stuff for Ariel and her doing stuff for you, why don't you just pay my student loans, and I'll do stuff to you? She's bluffing.
That sounds like the perfect arrangement.
All right, Greenway, you want to play? Let's play.
Okay, baby, tell me how you want it.
Like this? Don't cry.
Don'try.
Yes, exactly.
Just, just like this.
Move face towards her face.
Just making sure this is this is completely meaningless, right? Well, you're the one paying the bills.
It can mean whatever you want it to mean.
Okay, yeah, okay, just checking, making sure it's a passionless, transactional affair.
Okay.
And time for the kill.
Uh! One rule: no kissing.
Ah! Ah! Riley, it's not me.
I can't do it.
I can't This is not me.
It's so gross.
I need it to be real.
I need it to mean something.
I told you.
And you know what? The world needs people like you, Aaron.
You know, one of you makes up for, like, a hundred empty douchebags.
Don't ever change.
You were scary.
I know, right? I gotta go break it off with Ariel.
What is she doing? Is that a Culkin? You can't be here.
Or can we? What is your name? Ben? Ben, if you're here Is my nose running? Uh, Ben, you saved me, so I'm here to save you from Emma.
Is my nose running? Speak up! She's rubbing her nose.
She's high.
She's not high.
She's just really bad at public speaking.
Man, things must be pretty grim if you're speaking in front of all these people.
What am I doing here? I'm not smart enough for this test.
And this sweater vest sucks.
My chest is hot, my arms are freezing Let's go get you that music job.
This is so romantic.
Kiss her.
We're just friends.
Hey.
Come on.
I did not get that job.
That sucks.
Sorry, man.
It's okay.
It's just, I'm glad to be back.
Hmm? Yes May Joe, Emma and Ariel never bang us or our minds again.
Yes.
Yes.
Whoo.
Well, let's drink.
Please.
Aaron, you will meet a girl who likes you for you someday.
Sunday? Someday.
Come on.
Thank you for saving me.
Are you kidding? Thank you for saving me.
Guys! So, dear friends, I leave you with some of the activities that Ben liked to do before Emma came along.
If you ever get lonely, pop on the DVD.
I'll keep you company.
He shoots oh, and scores! What a great song! I love music! Okay, now you tell me a story while I eat my sandwich, and it'll be like we're getting lunch.
No way.