Funland (2005) s01e10 Episode Script

Face facts, Shirley.
You fucked your mother and you loved it.
- Where are you going? - I don't know.
SHIRLEY: You've ruined everything.
Me and her, we had a connection.
MERCY: Pay her a visit.
See what you're missing.
Lola's fallen in with a bit of a bad crowd.
- Look, take me to Bridewell.
- Bridewell? We're looking for Bridewell! I'll marry you, Ruby.
They killed her.
Slit her throat like a pig.
It were me that burnt the house down.
I'll have to tell Dad.
He doesn't need to know.
You will not tell him where I am.
They told me not to say.
- Tell me who's behind all this.
- It was Mercy.
She killed your mother.
It was Mercy Woolf.
Out.
Take this.
Go to Shangri-la.
Keep it safe.
VALERIE: Well, he's such good company, isn't he? CONNIE: Delightful.
If you like talking about ventriloquism and the stink of day-old bacon.
Does your husband not mind? You having a male friend? Why would he? He broke me and Leo up.
We used to be engaged.
One ticket, Cross Ball.
Make yourself gorgeous, we leave in half an hour.
Maybe we could even have it abroad, on a Caribbean island or a boat.
A galleon, a captain could marry us.
A big sailor with a beard, like Captain Birds Eye.
- Ruby - We could have a swan made out of ice.
Vanessa Teasdale at her wedding had a woman made out of ice and it peed out vodka.
Hey, Dad, do you know anyone who can make a swan out of ice? The hired help.
Have you got it? Well, you're more resourceful than I took you for.
Come in.
Why don't you go downstairs, love? Put on a show.
How's your throat? Whatever she said to you, you've got to put it out of your mind right now.
Do you hear me? You've got to wipe it out.
It's not her talking here, it's me.
I don't love you.
I thought I did but I don't.
You're tired, you're upset.
You don't fucking listen, do you? - I don't want you.
- You don't mean that.
That's just Mercy talking.
She's poisoned your mind.
I slept with Vienna.
You were pissed off.
I went behind your back.
I forgive you.
First day here I shagged someone else.
But you know what? I fucking loved it.
Er, before you go, I was just wondering if you might like to see my glider.
I'm just round the corner, I could nip back and get it.
She's based on a Glasflugel 604.
I modified the fuselage myself.
Tell me, I want to know.
Who was the fucking two-timing slime-faced slut? Aren't you even going to deny it? Why should I? You caught me fibbing.
- What would be the point? - Tell me everything.
Why don't you ask our little friend here? He knows a thing or two.
All I know is you're an evil old cow.
Twenty-five years I've done your bidding and look at me.
You could have said no.
Why didn't you? I needed the work.
I had a little baby to look after.
- I lost a thumb for her.
- There were rules.
You broke them.
- And for that an amputation? - To teach you self-control! He knows no degree.
Acid, chainsaws, a trail of bodies.
Poor Franny.
I asked him to retrieve my property, not to kill her! You lying fucking bitch! "Kill her, get the thing.
" That's what you said! - I hope she didn't suffer.
- Stay back! That's it.
Go on, put the gun in his face.
Pull the trigger.
He killed your mother.
Punish him! You fucking skinny-minged little whore! I'm with child and he's my husband! SHIRLEY: It's not her fault.
What seems to be the problem here? I've got one up the duff and my husband's been porking that! A friend of Maxine's had their wedding on television.
Ladies, please! It was on Teletubbies.
They got a grand for it.
Don't touch me! (Screaming) Dad, I want to confess.
- Leave it! - Did Connie tell you? Tell me what? It were me.
I blew the house up.
You lied to me.
You played me like a fucking idiot.
Van Kneck, Bridewell.
- How was Mr Bridewell? - He doesn't exist.
Just a suit on a bed, a name in the paper.
You're Bridewell.
Well, I must admit, I do use the title.
But I'm not him.
He's still out there somewhere.
Are you sure you haven't met him? Just tell me what you want, what you're after.
How did you know my mother? Why did you have her killed? - She were my sister.
- Fucking liar! I'll ask you again! Didn't she ever tell you about me? She must have told you something.
Her sister died.
- What about her father? - Killed after the war.
Unexploded bomb? Trapped under the wreckage for three days? No, anyone could know that.
Did she ever tell you how he used to pile pennies up on the sideboard? Eeeny, meeny, miney, mo.
They never came to me.
At night, no heating.
Freezing little beds we had.
He'd come in, hot water bottle in hand.
Warm woollen cover, it had a face on it.
It always went to her.
I don't fucking care! You murdered my mum! I want to know why! She ran off, took something of mine, something important.
- I'm an innocent in all this.
- Innocent! You're the fucking monster that killed my mother! No, Carter.
I didn't kill your mother.
I am your mother.
What are you doing back here? - I needed somewhere to go.
- Back here? - Yeah.
-With me? No.
- But you knew I was here? - I didn't think.
It's subconscious, you were drawn back.
It means something.
Perhaps there's still hope.
No, Dudley, there isn't.
What am I meant to do? just go home without you? You're my best friend.
What am I going to do? I'm sorry.
(Door opening) Dudley, make yourself scarce.
I want to speak to my daughter.
No, I'm sorry, Mrs Hinchcliffe, I won't.
I'm talking to my wife, I have to stand firm.
Do as you're told.
And brew me a tea while you're at it.
Well, go on, what are you waiting for? Lola, would you like one too? No.
(Door closing) You forgive me, I'll forgive you.
We'll move.
We'll start again.
- We'll go back to Relate.
- Fuck Relate! - I can't change, it's impossible.
- Of course you can.
There are other women.
Women you don't know about.
- Forget them.
Clean slate.
- I can't.
You can.
You can do this.
I know you can.
I know you better than you know yourself.
You don't.
You don't know me at all.
I had sex with my mother when I was 15 and nothing's ever come close.
Understand? Do you get it now? We could go to Hawaii in a balloon.
Do you think you can go on a honeymoon in a balloon? They must have done before, in Victorian times.
- Ruby - Sis, I'm worried.
You can be a pageboy.
You'd look really sweet.
You'd have to get your hair cut, though.
Maybe into a bob, medieval style.
Connie? (He Stopped Loving Her Today by George Jones playing) Did you never suspect? Did you never look at Franny and wonder how she produced a boy like you? - Why would she do that? - She was sick.
No.
- No, she was good.
- Are you good? She must have had a reason.
You're holding something back.
I were going to drown you.
What? They call it postnatal depression these days.
I'd been abandoned.
Left on me own.
I couldn't cope.
I took you for a drive one night.
You were three months old.
Wait a minute.
You was going to kill me? I were going to throw you in the sea.
I went to check nobody was around.
I came back, you were gone.
I panicked.
I drove home and then I realised Franny had disappeared.
She'd taken you.
And also my thing, my most precious thing.
She saved me.
And I've been after you ever since.
- What, you wanted me back? - Yes.
Oh, yes.
- You sent those freaks to kill me! - To persuade you He was going to kill me, Lola too! Perhaps things aren't as simple as you think.
Your birth, your father It was difficult, he was difficult.
He hurt me very deeply.
He left me when I needed him most.
What, did you kill him, too? Huh? Oh, no.
He's very much alive.
In fact, you've met him.
Not Finch? His name is Shirley.
(Knocking at door) You all right, Dad? Can we talk? It's about the holy word of God.
- Not now, son.
-We have to listen to the Lord.
Forget it.
Liam, unlock the door.
I can't, you need saving.
You're troubled, you've got the devil on your shoulder.
Liam! I saw it, Dad, I had a vision.
You've got to start praying! My whole life thrown down the lavatory pan.
Bringing you up, foraging for scraps, But not any more.
I've met a gentleman, a man with prospects.
- And you're not going to jeopardise it for me.
- Not Leo Finch.
LOLA: He's the one who got me into this mess.
He'll hurt you.
You are young and pretty.
I'm old and middle-aged.
- I will not be abandoned again.
- He abandoned me as well.
I was the one he threw away.
You were his darling little girl.
Then why did he go? Why did he never get in touch? He did.
He couldn't help himself.
All those letters.
- What letters? - Piles of them.
Horrible, sickening things they were.
All written in his vile, spidery little hand.
Why didn't you give them to me? Why should I? Why should I sit there and watch your little face light up when I had to go to bed alone? Where are they? In the loft.
A box full or they were.
I burnt them.
Milky tea, no sugar.
Lola, wait.
Good bye, Dudley.
What does that make me? A freak.
A fucking inbred.
You should be proud.
You come from good stock, thoroughbred.
I slept with Ruby.
And did it feel wrong? Exactly.
It's all up there, these rules you live by.
First lesson in life, put them aside.
Get on top, take what you want, enjoy it.
All the rest, just silly little lies.
What about your kids, family? - What about love? - Love? Love's just fucking with a kiss thrown in.
Enjoy it.
But don't expect the same at 60.
Things change, people change.
Everything passes.
There's nothing, there's no one to rely on.
That's shit.
Shit.
People stick together, you see it everywhere.
Couple of old age pensioners cuddling by a two-bar fire? They're scared, that's all it is.
But you're not scared, are you, Carter? No.
You and I aren't scared.
Trust me.
Don't feel bad about those thoughts you have, those things you want to do.
It's natural.
Accept it.
- You're my son.
I can help you.
- I don't want anything.
I don't want anything from you.
Prefer scraping in the gutter being told what to do? You can have it all.
Shirley and I, we've come to a parting of the ways.
You're my son now.
My only son.
I'm going to make up for lost time.
I'm going to care for you.
All I want is Mr Bridewell.
I think we should get a big place.
Not as big as me dad's, but still a good size.
Ruby, I'm a police constable.
I earn 18 grand a year.
I don't need any of these things.
We can live in a two-up two-down for all I care.
You, me, the kids.
Kids? I'm not having any kids.
I might have a girl.
She'd grow up just Like me.
What's wrong with that? Men climbing up her drainpipe at 14? Copping off with anyone who'll have her? Giving blowjobs for Kit Kats? You don't want to marry a dirty little cow like me.
Stop it, will you? You're none of those things.
I love you, Ruby.
The man's a fool.
You're a beautiful, young, attractive woman.
Come to the ball, have a drink or two.
Forget him.
I'm sorry.
Are you all right? How'd you like to do a middle-aged man a favour? Have a drink with me.
Just the one.
MERCY: Tell me.
What do you know? What did she give you? - A key.
- A key? It's got a cross on it.
On the top.
Just like the cross on Ambrose Chapel.
But it doesn't fit any of the doors, I tried it.
Let me see it.
What's it for? What does it mean? Give it to me and I'll tell you.
It's very valuable.
It's worth more than you can dream of.
Give it to me.
You first.
What happened there? There was this girl he had a crush on.
Suzie Locking, she sang in the choir.
He used to hang about.
I went there to remind him of what he really liked, what he needed.
Franny found us down in the crypt.
It was the last time it happened.
He hurt me, Carter, he hurt me deeply.
I poured all my love into him.
And he ran off.
What the fuck is he doing there now? I put him there.
I burnt it down, bought it off the church.
Sold it to Shirley for a song, through Bridewell.
That crypt, I made sure his office was built right next to it.
Give me the key.
I can't.
(Groaning) - I gave it to someone.
- Then get it back.
Bring it to me now.
We could go there together.
We can cash it in, just you and me.
No.
Don't toy with me.
We're talking millions.
Look into yourself.
What's right, what's wrong, it doesn't matter.
You only get one shot, grab it while you can.
No.
CARTER: She's all yours.
Be gentle with him.
Oh, Bryan.
Bryan, thank the Lord.
I have instruction for you.
You learn that speech.
Mercy want you word perfect.
Bryan, please, help me.
You no like the bitter tang of betrayal? Now you taste your own venom.
Oh, Mr Finch.
I was frightened you'd have gone without me.
I'm so looking forward to our night out.
A glamorous function, a distinguished chaperone.
Yeah, er, Connie's coming too.
You don't mind, do you? Mind? Why should I mind? Family business.
I won't stay long.
But what should I wear? Something black and elegant, I hope? Going already? She's here.
Come on, let's get down to the beach.
We've just got time.
There's the beginnings of a good breeze.
I don't want to fly your fucking glider! Wait.
You can't go.
You'll miss the Cross Ball.
It's just what you need.
Take your mind off things.
It's full of young women.
Everyone tends to let themselves go.
Get on that phone.
Tell my little girl you want to see her.
Bryan, send Vienna up now.
Make yourself respectable, man.
She's coming up.
You should be locked up, you should.
Depriving a daughter of her father all these years.
Last time I held her, she were four weeks old.
I tickled her little toes.
She loved it.
(Gasping) What's wrong with him? Chicken bone.
What, love? I can't hear you.
What's your poison? (Phone ringing) Get the creature.
Tell him Mr Bridewell's waiting.
Ambrose Chapel, the crypt.
- What did she give you? - A key.
It's very valuable.
It's worth more than you ever dreamed of.