Funny or Die Presents... (2009) s01e10 Episode Script

Look at me now.
Look.
My career as a cop is over.
And I guess the hand modeling is a big question mark now too.
There are other bars in this world to drink in.
Thinking about buying a house and having turtle fights in that bitch.
You gotta be kidding me.
Oh, Shades.
Welcome to a night of award-winning television from Funny or Die.
If you haven't seen our program yet, you're in for a real treat.
On the other hand, if you've been following us from the beginning then you'll know I'm lying to your face.
That's what I do.
I'm in sales, and I'm a trained liar.
Now, who are we? What do we do at Funny or Die? I couldn't tell you.
But if I had to guess l'd say Funny or Die is something to do with the Internet.
What is the Internet beyond a bunch of pornographic images? Beats me.
But let's imagine the Internet as this big colorful ball of wires and cables, okay? Now, imagine an online comedy destination somewhere in the middle of all this crap.
As I understand it, that's Funny or Die.
The future of comedy entertainment proudly sharing a network of interconnected wires and satellite transmissions with penises and vaginas.
And here's the really exciting part.
Somehow we've taken this ball of wire and managed to put together one half-hour of spectacular, revolutionary television programming.
So enjoy.
Tonight, on the Funny or Die Network: From Tim and Eric, it's "Just 3 Boyz," a new sitcom in three parts featuring Zach Galifianakis.
From Rob Huebel, the continuing saga of "Holdup.
" And a new music video from Mike O'Connell.
You dust, now you clean.
You polish, then you dust.
Right.
Now watch.
Hurry.
Watch it with that duster, asshole.
Oh, Shades.
Would you hurry up? He'll be here any minute.
I'm cleaning as fast as I can.
Okay, we can do this.
Jesus, come on.
What? Is George Clooney coming over here with, what, his Ocean's Eleven wrap party, schmucks? - Come in.
- Come in.
Hi, Zach.
Welcome home, Za Za Zach.
Hi, Shades.
Holy Christ.
- I think we should wave hi.
- Yeah.
Say, "How you doing?" Go around, give him a hug.
I say it's a great idea.
Yeah.
- My goodness - Don't touch me.
- You got tall.
- Don't touch me.
- Come here.
- Don't kiss me.
- Come on.
Big man on campus.
- So good to have you home.
- Really looking good.
- Yeah.
- What's with the cameras? - What's that? Why are there cameras here? - Okay? - Come on in.
It's me.
Sit, make yourself at home, Zach.
Come on, you know where everything is.
It's good to have you back, man.
- Good to have you back.
- Thank you.
What do you got there? Just a few things that I bought you from my college.
I wanna hear all about this college thing you've been up to anyways.
You? You wanted to do what? I just I wanted to hear more about At college.
When you're at college.
So You better watch your mouth.
It's down in here somewhere.
All right.
- So, Eric.
- Thank you.
This I don't know if you have one of these - I don't, thank you so much.
- Okay.
- And I thought this was - Those are so cool, thank you so much.
They think they're human.
- Are those for me, or? - Nope, they're not for you.
- Who are they for? - They're for you.
- Oh, thank you, Zach.
- And, Tim? Here.
I got you that.
Oh, yeah, it's an animal college shirt.
Thank you very much.
Put it on, Tim.
It's his present.
I don't need to put it on now.
I'll just wear it later.
So - He should put it on now.
- Yeah, you should put it on now.
I would, honestly, rather try it on later.
- He should try it on right now.
- You gotta put it on now.
Zach, I would like to put it on later.
He's being ungrateful, he should put it on right now.
It's It's amazing.
What? I don't know what the deal is.
I'll try it on later.
Fucking put it on! Then I'll put it on.
I don't see what the big deal is.
It's just a shirt.
- It's an extra-medium.
- I actually do like it.
What, nothing for the lamp of the house? Previously on Holdup: Get your white asses on the floor now! Don't shoot! There are at least two armed gunmen inside and they have taken several hostages.
I need your head in the game.
You're the best psychic on the force.
- Your hands are soft.
- I'll call them in here.
I'm gonna trade them the coke for my freedom.
See you.
Help me! - What the hell happened? - Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers? With me now are the two head police hostage negotiators Captain Rollins and Doheny.
Gentleman, what's the plan? First I'd like to make the point that you are in no way Hispanic though you go by the name Rodriguez.
- Doesn't matter.
We're projecting a film to demoralize the gunmen.
It's The Happening by M.
Night Shyamalan.
- And it's a horrible film.
- Okay, that's great, but there's no audio.
The audio isn't working right now.
But if they do come outside and watch the film they will be demoralized.
Maxine? Oh, God.
I just wanna tell you, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
- l I froze up there.
- Yeah, well, look at me now.
Look.
My career as a cop is over.
And I guess the hand modeling is a big question mark now too.
Well, I feel terrible.
I mean, you are a really hot girl.
And now this.
Maybe you'll have some self-esteem problems.
And after I get us out of here, maybe one day we could go out.
We're not getting out of here.
Guys, trust me.
This time I got a different plan.
Hey, yeah.
Hey, man.
What is you gonna do with your half? I was thinking about buying me a house and having turtle fights in that bitch.
Everyone gotta have a dream.
Even Martin Luther King had a dream.
Never heard of him, nigga.
What you gonna do with your split? Oh, man.
I don't really know, man.
At first I just wanted to come here and shoot the whole place up like Ghostbusters.
Yeah, I love me some motherfucking ghosts.
But now that I got a chance to dream, man? There's only one way to spend this money right.
Come on, Doheny, get inside their minds.
I need to know what they're thinking.
I think I may be losing my gift.
Shit.
Everybody, follow me.
- No, follow me.
- Follow me.
- Follow me.
- I'm the leader.
- I'm the professional.
- Wait.
- Who do we follow? - Me.
Oh, no! You're escaping without me! Hey, get these motherfuckers! Get your bitch-ass back inside! - You dumb motherfuckers.
- Where the fuck are you supposed to go? Stupid motherfucker.
So stupid.
- Shots fired from inside of the bank.
- Shots fired! As the standoff continues Rodriguez, roll on this.
I'm ending this thing.
- Rollins, don't do it.
They'll kill you.
- Not surrounded by civilians, he won't.
Come on, all of you, let's go.
I need your help.
Let's go, come on.
Under the tape.
Okay, you're gonna be my human shield.
They don't wanna kill you, they wanna kill me.
You're completely safe.
Slowly.
Don't worry.
Relax.
We'll all go as a team.
We're all innocent civilians.
Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck! Don't you air that, Rodriguez! Don't you fucking air that! Next time, on Holdup: Oh, I miss you, sweetheart.
No, please, no! Oh, my God! All right, guys.
Special gift for a special guy.
- Chicken.
- Chicken.
I hate chicken! I hate it! - What are you talking about? - Get off! - It's a good bird.
- Keep that shit away from me! Hey, hey, hey.
- Look out.
- Get off of me! - Chill.
- No, you chill.
Let's sit down and let's talk about this.
Come on.
Calm down.
Would you shut your claptrap and start telling me what exactly this non-liking of chicken is all about all of a sudden, Jack? When I was just starting out in med school I had a bird, a beautiful bird.
One of the most beautiful birds I've ever known.
I used to walk it, I used to talk to it.
Been saving it for a special occasion, and my roommate I caught him masturbating in the chest cavity of the bird.
Zach, I am so sorry that that happened to you.
Did you come in * * * * chicken? No, this is a clean bird.
I didn't come in * * * *.
Did you come into this chicken? I didn't come * * * * chicken.
- Look at me! You come into this chicken? - No! I came in your toothbrush, all right? * * * I didn't come in your ch * * * * *.
It's clean, Zach! I didn't come in the chicken.
You guys gonna get to do the horn when I synch? - I mean - I think we're We'll be able to do that in post.
Synch it up.
When we say "come," you hit the honk.
I don't think that's an issue.
We can do it in post.
He's standing there with a horn.
- Can I get some more water? - Sure.
- Here you go.
- Thank you very much.
Oh, that's plenty.
- Thank you very much.
- Could I have some? - Okay.
- All of it, just bring it.
- Keep going.
- More? That's all - Yep.
There you go.
Thank you.
- You know what? - I don't have any.
Can I get some? - Yeah.
- Thank you, sir.
Cheers.
- I'm sorry, I don't wanna be rude.
- Do you mind just - Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Finally, a little glass of So parched.
Sorry.
Okay.
- Is that good or should - Please.
- A little more? - Just a little bit more.
Just tilt the bottom up a little bit like that.
- Down the hatch.
- Cheers.
Actually, I'm pretty thirsty myself.
Not an issue.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
That just about does it.
- Can we just eat? - I'm not gonna eat, but go ahead.
I thought I was gonna have to eat my fist.
Love this chicken.
- Good bird, Zach.
- This is some good bird.
It's a good bird.
There's a sour b Business in here.
Hey! That must be Christopher.
- Christopher.
- Christopher.
Zach, a little bird told me you were back.
And I had to come welcome you.
- Hi, Christopher.
- Hi, Christopher.
Why don't you guys come in, have a seat? Oh, anywhere you want.
Sit anywhere you want.
I probably shouldn't sit here, that's where Zach could sit.
There.
I'll sit here.
You wanna sit? Zach, why don't you sit over here.
- I'm not comfortable here.
I'll just sit over h I'll sit here.
Okay, you sit over there, I'll sit here.
Fuck this.
Okay, okay.
Watch out, watch out.
Oh, watch out.
Okay, okay, watch out.
This isn't working.
All right.
Wait.
Okay, th There you go.
Okay.
And I'll sit.
Okay.
I'll just Well, I'll just sit here.
I'll sit right here.
That's fine.
That's for you.
- Oh, wow.
- Thank you.
It's organic.
Get the fuck out of here! Get the fuck out! Get the fuck out! Fuck! You guys wanna play pinball? Yes, yes.
Here we are.
You gotta be kidding me.
Oh, Shades.
That's the last time we put up with your bullshit.
Do you have any idea who you're talking to? Yeah, a disgusting alcoholic.
Well that is a very, very short-sighted explanation of my character.
Roy.
You're looking good tonight.
Don't you worry about that asshole, Roy.
There are other bars in this world to drink in.
And tonight, Roy we find them.
Those are starting to smell good for an omelet.
Just you wait, Tim.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Hey, Zach.
- You are looking good this morning.
- I feel good.
- Who wants eggs? - Oh, please.
- I'll take some eggs.
- Eggs? - Doubled.
- There you are.
- Smell better than they look.
Zach, it's so good having you back.
- Yeah.
- I just wanna apologize for yesterday What? Can you? Yesterday was such a disaster, we just felt so bad about it.
We got you a little surprise.
It's a horse massage gift certificate.
Take a look.
There you go.
A horse massage is a state-of-the-art treatment.
You get a real horse.
Something to do with the hooves.
That makes it special.
I've heard about this.
This is really, really nice.
Cancel your plans this afternoon, it's happening today.
Okay, cool.
Thank you.
Tim Heidecker's phone.
Who may I ask is calling? What? No, I can't do it tomorrow.
No, it has to be today.
That's not fair.
You're being a bad businessman.
Well, this is No, well, then forget it, cancel it.
Fuck you.
Unbelievable.
Eric, a word.
That was the massage people.
They're not coming, they cancelled.
- What do we gonna do? - I don't know but I'm not telling him he's not getting a massage after all he's been through.
I don't I think I have a solution.
Zach, your horse massage is here.
Okay, send up the horse.
Careful.
Watch it.
Walk like a regular horse.
Hey, do me favor.
Just don't shit on the floor.
Come in.
Hi.
How you doing? Just de-robe, I guess.
I've never had a horse massage.
I've heard about them, so I really could use a massage.
I've been so stressed out.
You know what? Can we Can we just cut to the chase here? Can we just do a happy beginning massage? - We should do it.
- We should do it.
Use your hands, take the cock and stroke it until he comes.
He'll think it's from a horse with these hooves.
Yeah.
He'll never know.
Oh, come on.
He's not getting hard.
I'm gonna use my mouth.
- Is he getting hard? - No.
Tim, Eric.
Stop.
Guys.
Eric, stop.
You're not a horse.
You guys don't have to do this.
You don't have to please me all the time.
- Just trying to make you happy, man.
- We're here to please you.
If that means sexually jacking you off, that's what we're gonna do.
Okay, friend? - But dressed as a - You know what, guys? This is just what happens in a boys' house.
Boys' house.
- Do you hear that? - Yeah.
- Boys' house.
- What? - It sounds like my voice.
- Boys' house.
- He's like, "Boys' house.
" - Sounds like he's saying Boys' house.
Boys' house.
Thank you for watching tonight's program.
For everyone here at Funny or Die, I'm Ed Haligan.
And I'll see you at the dog track.