GCB (2012) s01e10 Episode Script
Revelation
1 (Carlene) Don't worry.
We're in God's hands.
(Amanda) Then why did God let them tie up ours? (Man) Dama, silencio! Cricket, we're all boppin' down to Juarez today.
Gotta file the land deed for my condos for Christian living.
Turns out, there's some sort of ticking clock on the deadline.
Who knew they even paid attention to clocks in Meh-hee-ho? Anyways, can I borrow your plane? I don't think I'll be needing it today.
What happened to yours? Oh, Ripp's using it.
He's out of town.
Oh, Cricket, come with us.
It'll be fun.
I have no interest in going to unincorporated Juarez.
But it's the ground breaking ceremony for my project, my dream come true.
Be there.
Support me! And you can come with me and Zack when we visit the factory where they make my losin' it with Jesus baskets.
Now that I'm a real businesswoman, Cricket, I understand why you love it so much.
Please come.
You know, I'm so happy that your little diet plan's going well, but as a real businesswoman, I have to stay here and tend to real business.
Oh, come on, Crick.
You can take a half-day.
Come shopping with me.
What, in Juarez? What do you buy in Juarez? Well, I heard about this new lotion that just surfaced down there very hard to get.
I just happen to have the address.
Heather, what you need to be doing is selling my condos, not buying up illegal skin cream.
Well, you're the one who put me in charge of sellin' em.
I gotta look good to do it.
I'm sorry.
I'm tied to my desk all day, and I hate Mexico.
Knock yourselves out.
(Beep) Are you in? Mr.
Massey's here, but he doesn't have an appointment I'd think you were avoiding me.
I am avoiding you.
I make it a point to avoid stalkers.
(Bluetooth clatters) You scared of me? No.
(Chuckles) I'm not scared of you.
Of course not.
I know you enjoyed our little kiss last week.
I am a happily married woman, Mason.
You enjoyed that kiss way more than a happily married woman should ever enjoy a kiss with a man she barely knows.
So inappropriate.
So I was thinking we could take an early lunch that could easily turn into a late one.
Not interested.
- Really? - Mnh-mnh.
'Cause it's clear from your body language that you're, uh, hungry.
Well, I'm what my body language is saying is that I am going to Mexico.
Mexico? What's in Mexico? (Chuckles) - Darlin'! - Hey.
Ohh.
(Chuckles) Wow.
(Chuckles) - W mm.
- Mwah.
Uh Carlene is kicking off her business venture in Juarez.
- Uh-huh.
- She is my closest friend.
It is essential that I be present to support her.
Mason Massey, this is my dear husband Blake.
Hi.
It's nice to meet you face-to-face.
Are you a friend of Cricket's? Mm too early to tell.
We're still getting our business sorted out.
Mm.
Blake, your pedicure's waiting.
Oh, thanks, darlin'.
It's all that rough ridin'.
Those cowboy boots tear up his toes.
Yeah, it's a problem.
Hmm.
We'll talk more about sword of Caesar when I get back.
Are you and he Not at all.
Mnh-mnh.
Sword of Caesar is his horse.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Oh.
- He's just a stud service.
- You know, it's okay, Crick.
We both have our outside interests.
No.
Mnh-mnh.
Mason is not okay.
Mason cannot be an outside interest.
He is he's different.
"Different"? And what does that mean? Uh You know, I should get to the airport.
Adios.
(Blows kisses) (Both chuckle) (Under breath) Adios.
It's an important event in my life.
I want you to bless the occasion.
Aren't you just filing a land deed? It's so much more than a land deed! A sweet woman named Amoxtli, who's the president of the Aztec Spiritual and Heritage League, told me to get my butt down there, because the moon, planet, and sun are in perfect alignment for condo success.
It's the ideal time to break ground.
Now you and I don't believe in that malarkey, but the construction workers might.
I've alerted the media.
My signage is everywhere.
You don't need a pastor to bless a shovel of sand.
Ripp's an elder in the church.
You know he can pray up a storm.
Ripp's in Denver on business, and besides, the condos for Christian living is my passion, even more so now that the Lord spoke to Ripp and told him to tell me to put my condos in Meh-hee-ho.
I can't go.
I'm trying to write a very difficult sermon series on the book of revelation.
Pastor Tudor, pastor Tudor, pastor Tudor.
Nobody understands revelations.
Never have.
Never will.
And anyways, by the time it comes around, we'll all be dead! Please.
(Singsongy) If you go to Juarez, I promise not to bother you again about my condos.
Promise, promise, promise.
Okay.
I have to be back by 6:00.
Ohh! Vamitos! (Beep) - Bye.
(Sighs) Oh.
(Whispers) - Hey.
- John, I'm off.
- Oh.
Amanda, wait.
Don't go.
I-I need you.
Do you remember, I told you I'm taking a couple of days off? I'm on my way to Austin to surprise Luke.
Can you delay it? (Sighs) I've just committed to go to Juarez with Carlene and Sharon and Cricket, and please come.
(Chuckles) You don't want to chow down on a big plate of crazy all by yourself? - I could really use the moral support.
- Um Uh, there are flights to Austin every hour.
And Amanda's on the next one.
I'm driving her to the airport.
Come along, darlin'.
We'll be late.
Oh.
Um wait, mama.
Uh maybe I should go.
Pastor Tudor's never asked me for a favor before.
And you've never had a good man before.
She should go see Luke.
(Sighs) We all want Amanda's happiness and more grandchildren, don't we? Grandchildren? Not again.
(Chuckles) Gigi's right, Amanda.
I was being weak and selfish.
I served in Iraq.
(Chuckles) I can handle it.
I'm sure it's just a glorified shoppin' trip.
Shopping? I love the leather in Juarez.
Go.
You go with him, and I'll cab it to the airport.
Perfect.
I adore Mexico.
(Mouths words) Have you ever seen "Night of the Iguana"? Uh, no, but I do love nature films.
- Zack? - Yep.
We have to have a come to Jesus with the foreman of the basketeria.
We have some major quality control issues.
I'm mucho P.
O.
'd.
Maybe this will make you feel better.
The Healthy Bod Corp contacted me this morning.
They are interested in buying Losin' It With Jesus! But I don't want to be sold.
I like what I'm doing.
Tell 'em no.
Well (Clears throat) Let's just hear 'em out, sugar pop.
I mean, I know what I'm doing.
(Sighs) Getting an initial offer is a good way to establish the value of the company.
Trust me.
I'm a car salesman.
The value of the company is the satisfaction I get from doing something that I love, like whoopin' some butt at the basketeria.
Juarez, here we come.
(Smacks) Hey, Luke.
It's me.
So what are you up to? (Luke) I'm just working at home.
(Sighs) Haven't left the house all day.
Excellent.
What you up to tonight? Nothin' much.
Watchin' TV.
Hangin'.
Well, who knows? Maybe something interesting might pop up when you least expect it.
Like what? Bye.
(Cell phone beeps) (Exhales deeply) (Door opens) Hello.
Is this Luke Lourd's house? Yeah.
I'm his next door neighbor.
(Chuckles) Just came over to shift the solar cell circuits.
He's not here.
Where is he? Mexico.
He went to Juarez for a couple of days.
Can I give him a message? Juarez, huh? (Chuckles) Amazing.
Do you know where he's staying, if you don't mind giving me the address? Sure.
(Chuckles) You don't look like an ax murderer.
Mnh-mnh.
(Laughs) GCB 1x10 - Revelation Original air date May 6, 2012 (Man over P.
A.
) - Ladies and gentlemen - Oh! We'll be leaving in about five minutes.
Amanda, darlin', what are you doing here? Sweet, uninvited Amanda, I guess in California party crashing is acceptable behavior.
I hope you don't mind me tagging along.
All of a sudden, I'm fascinated with Juarez.
I mean, what's up with Juarez? What's going on there? I gotta know.
(Chuckles) Well, I'm happy to have you if you'd consider buying a condo.
I'll consider it.
Then hola! (Chuckles) Ah, ah, ah.
Alcoholic.
(Sighs) (Lowered voice) You'd consider buying a condo? (Lowered voice) Are you high? What about Austin? How was Luke? Was he surprised? Luke isn't in Austin.
What? (Tone chimes) Okay, everyone, buckle up.
Should be a short, smooth flight over to Juarez.
(Seat belt buckles click) No, my wife's Losin' It With Jesus food is inspired by the King James version, which is public domain.
However, her recipes are copyrighted right here in the U.
S.
of A.
, which means if we were interested in selling, which we are not, uh, they wouldn't be included in the base price.
- They're the optional trim package.
- Zack! - Yeah? - Off.
You can play master of the universe when we land.
I'll call you back.
I'll call you back.
(Cell phone beeps) He is so sweet.
He's trying to establish my value.
As a fellow businesswoman Crick! (Snaps fingers) You'll appreciate this.
There's interest in franchising Losin' It With Jesus, which I'm shortening to just the initials "L.
I.
W.
J.
" To make it more catchy Lywudge.
Just rolls off the tongue.
(High-pitched voice) I love you.
(Giggles) (Chuckles) (Engine roaring) (Woman speaking in Spanish over P.
A.
) Everybody, Alberto and dodo will be our security detail.
Now I know what you're thinking.
The Lord always protects us, but a couple of big guys with guns helps make his job a whole lot easier.
(Amanda chuckles) Let's get this party started.
First a little shopping, then off to break ground.
- ¿Libre? - Amanda.
Hey! What is going on? What happened with Luke? Tell me.
- Nothing.
- Talk to me.
He lied to me.
He is here in Juarez, and I'm gonna find him and find out why.
I'm coming with you.
Uh - Uh, see you at the ceremony.
- No.
Mother, I need to do this on my own.
Don't argue with me.
I have pesos, and I'm packing.
- Come on.
Where are we going? - You're packing? You're not coming? I'll go with you.
Juarez can be dangerous.
That's sweet, but she's got her mama.
Let's go, darlin'.
We'll catch up with you.
Señor, veinte veintitres calle de (Car doors close, engine starts) Okay.
Wait.
Oh! Oh, my goodness.
Is that Jason from (Speaks indistinctly) This is Baby Jesus Central.
I'm always looking for vintage Christ Childs for my pastoral collection.
It smells spicy.
I love this.
Oh! Twice as expensive back in Dallas.
Look at this.
His arms move.
It's like he's throwing a football.
(Clicks) Ohh.
It's like a miracle.
Feels incredible.
Mm.
The ingredients are so rare, so delicate.
I can only produce it in small amounts.
That's why it's so expensive.
(Lowered voice) Smart businesswomen like us should take that back to the states and make millions, like Mary Kay.
Mm-hmm.
A smart businesswoman like me knows it would take years to get F.
D.
A.
approval, and the base cost for all cosmetic ingredients averages 23 cents a jar.
This chica's a hack.
I'll take three.
Heather, how do you know this works? I'm 62 years old.
I want another one.
(Shouting at once) Darling Amanda, listen to me.
You can't just go go blasting in there (Closes door) without any kind of plan.
Got a plan.
I'm gonna ring the doorbell and rip him a new one.
Luke lied to me.
I have had it with men lying to me.
Oh, I never got to confront my dead husband about his lies, so this will feel extra good.
Listen, deep down in my heart, I know Luke's a good boy.
There has to be an explanation.
I'll hold him down while you slit his throat.
Shh! (Gasps) (Lowered voice) What? (Breathing heavily) (Whispers) What did you see? (Lowered voice) Give me a boost.
Ripp? He's supposed to be in Denver! (Continues breathing heavily) (Whispers) Oh, my God.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
(Sighs) There's just not gonna be any easy way to tell Carlene.
I-I know this is hard for you, but you are a good person, Ripp.
I knew that the moment I laid eyes on you.
You know, a couple weeks ago, I played Jesus in a musical.
It had a profound effect on me.
Ever since then, whenever I find myself in a difficult situation, I'm always asking, "what would Jesus do?" Only problem here is Jesus was never married to Carlene.
I doubt if he ever even dated anybody half as complicated as she is.
Ripp, Amanda went to my house in Austin.
She knows I'm here.
Uh, don't worry.
There's no way she could know about you and Lucia.
Well (Sighs) honesty's the best way to go.
I'm going back home and lay my cards on the table.
Lucia, will you come with me? Si.
("Rock of Ages" ringtone playing) (Sighs) Carlene will know about you tomorrow, and my life will change.
There's so much we need to discover about each other.
(Ringtone stops) (Cell phone beeps) (Sets down glass) Then let tonight just be about us.
(John) Bless the shovel that will mark the making of the condos for Christian living.
Bless the construction workers that will make this dream a reality.
Bless the walls that will retain those who will bring glory to God.
No wonder the Lord told Ripp to build condos in Juarez.
It's the perfect cover.
He can have his hot tamale and eat it, too.
I'm so sick of moral dilemmas, I could just spit.
I have to tell Carlene right now, mama.
No! No, you will not.
You will not stick your hand in that cage, missy.
No.
You stay out of their mess.
If you tell her, you will be ruining one of the biggest days of her life.
(John) Bless the people that will reside here.
- Amanda.
- Bless the grounds - so that they may only be holy to God.
- I'm thinking.
(Whispers) Behave.
Bless the doors so that whomever walks through them will be forever changed.
Bless the sink.
Ble bl just bless all the major appliances and just bless everything, as we strive to serve you in everything we do.
Uh, amen.
(All) - Amen! - Amen.
You forgot to bless the indoor luge.
It's covered, Carlene.
Shovel it.
Oh, okay.
Hold my purse.
(Chuckles) Y'all ready? Yes.
(Chuckles) This ground is officially broken.
(Cheering) Now I'm not saying everyone who moves in here has to be a Christian.
I'm just saying you have to live like one! (Women laugh) Oh, hey, Zack, take a picture for my sales brochure.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(Zack) - Oh, sure.
Yeah.
(Sharon) Yeah, let's do it.
Carlene.
All right, ladies.
Photo op.
Smile pretty.
(Women, singsongy) Bless me! (Camera shutter clicks) Muy bonita.
Thank God you made it.
I was getting worried.
Everything okay? Everything's just Unbelievable.
(Cell phone rings, beep) Zack Peacham here.
Hit me.
Oh, uh oh, uh wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Would you would you mind repeating that, please? (Clears throat) (Clears throat) Um, I'm sorry.
We got a terrible signal.
Can I call you back? Okay.
All right.
(Beep) They just offered us $15 million for Lywudge, and that's just their first offer.
That's nice.
Honey, moving two G-classes off the lot in one day is nice.
This is the answer to our prayers.
We can retire.
Retire? I just got started.
I love being in control of my own business.
I want to be a mistress to the universe, just like Cricket.
Uh (Sighs) Oh! (Static crackling) Blake? Blake? Uh (Sighs) Bad reception.
Uh, listen, there's a cosmetics cream down here that I just think is amazing, and (static crackling) H-hello? H uh (Sighs) I think we really need to move on it fast, and (beeping) (Sighs) Lost it.
(Beep) Damn! Carlene.
We need to head back by the Botanica on our way back to the plane.
Claro.
(Whispering) Cricket is stealing my idea.
Who cares? I have to get down to the Botanica.
I cannot let Cricket out of my sight.
- I'll see you at the basketeria.
- Okay.
Okay.
Andele! Andele! Need to get to city hall and file the deed before they take another siesta.
Dodo! (Women speaking indistinctly) Can I go with you, please? Please.
Welcome to my world.
(Beeping) (Sighs) Ugh.
If you're gonna build Bibleville out here, Carlene, you're gonna have to put up a Tower of Babel cell tower.
We don't seem to be heading back to town.
It's just more desert.
Lord.
Where are they taking us? Can we please go back to the sui-dad? (Switch clicks) Hello? Hey.
Driver.
¿Hola? Strange.
Carlene, where'd you find these men? (Cricket) Sharon, try the door.
(Gasps) Locked in! What's happening? What's going on up there?! Dios mio! Silencio! Okay? No hablo ingles! (Under breath) Heather, you talk to him.
- Well, uh, I don't speak Spanish.
(All) - What? (Speaks Spanish) We've been kidnapped.
What?! (All shouting at once) You open that back up! Do you know who we are back here? (Carlene) Don't worry.
We're in God's hands.
(Amanda) Then why did God let them tie up ours? (Dodo) Dama, silencio! (Panting) Ohh.
(Speaks indistinctly) (Whispers) Mother.
Your gun.
Shh.
Please don't hurt us.
Here.
Take my jewelry.
(Clicks tongue) Por favor.
What, you don't think it's real? (Spits) Juan valdez might not understand English, but I bet he'll understand sex.
Work it.
- Get us outta here.
Go.
- What? Uh (Grunts) Ohh.
Uh ¿Por favor? (Whispers) Let us vamos, hmm? Yo soy homosexual.
I'll take it from here.
Excuse me.
"Homosexual" (Gasps) Homosexual.
Oh.
Yes.
(Speaking Spanish) Hmm.
(Speaking Spanish) Hmm.
Bueno.
Okay.
Vamos ahora.
Ohh! (Women speak indistinctly) (Woman) Not so fast.
You're not going anywhere.
Bring her closer.
Who? Who "her"? Who? Muevense.
(Grunts) Don't you hurt her! Who are you? Like she'll tell you.
Debby Horowitz.
I don't want your money or your bling or your other decadent garbage, shorty.
Then what do you want? My people want you to go away.
"Horowitz"? I'm a proud descendant of the Aztec nation.
My native Nahuatl name is Amoxtli.
So you're a Windian.
You're the one who invited me down here to break ground.
Yes.
When we realized your vile condo project was ready to happen, we knew we had to stop you.
I will not allow you to defile our sacred, ancient spiritual ground.
"Horowitz"? I am one-eighth Nahua.
It counts.
All we want is our peace and honor.
Mm.
What's this? Sign it.
You will grant the rights back to the people who rightfully own this land, and when you do, you and your manolo-teetering, pencil-skirted, fashion-sheep posse will be free to go.
- Sign it.
- Oh, you should sign that, Carlene.
- Carlene, I'm selling 'em, and I want you to sign the paper.
- Okay, Carlene, you sign that right now.
(Women speak at once) I don't know how you say it in Nalu-ha-ha But no.
(Papers thud) Carlene! (Women shouting at once) Carlene! (Shouting continues) How much? (High-pitched voice) 20? Oh, God.
I'd love to say yes.
I-I have to, uh uh - Is okay? - Uh, I have to reserve comment until I go over the terms with my wife.
Well, at the moment, she's unreachable, so, uh (Chuckles) Well well, you see, no, I-I can't just take it or leave it because can you can you just hang on one minute, please? Thank you.
(Lowered voice) I'm sorry.
Can I interrupt you? Sure.
I'm just trying to explain the appearance of the second beast in Revelation.
Super.
Listen, I'm kinda out of my league.
A huge corporation just put a deadline on their offer to buy Losin' It With Jesus, a-and I don't feel right pulling the trigger without Sharon's okay, but she's not answering the phone.
Wh-what do I do? We need this.
We've been in such bad shape financially.
This could give my family security, pastor.
Zack, you know what's in Sharon's heart.
- Yeah.
- I'm sure you're acting in her best interests.
- Yes.
- Pray on it.
(Whispers) Right.
We got a deal! We got a deal! (Laughs) - It's gonna get dark soon.
I-I wonder what's keeping 'em.
- I can't tell you how happy I am.
Let it go, you crazy Christian! You know what? When a young child is asked by a grown-up what they want to be when they grow up, do you know what I said I wanted to be? A martyr.
She did.
It's true.
She had a picture of Joan of Arc in her locker.
So bring it on, Debby Horowitz.
(Deep voice) Let my people go And then do whatever you want to to me.
What are you gonna do to (High-pitched voice) me? (Gasps) (Gasps) Don't harm her! It's not worth it! The land's not even hers! She hasn't even filed the papers yet! The deed's in her purse! Ohh! What is the plural of Judas?! Oh, an apple.
Ohh.
(Crunching) You're so mean.
Oh, my God.
Dodo.
Ohh.
God is gonna get you for this.
Oh, yeah? Whose? Mine is the Sun.
I'll just get the land back.
Lawyer up.
It's the Mexican legal system.
What's your estimated life span? (Gigi) You got what you wanted.
Do as you promised and let us go.
You're not gonna leave us in here locked up.
There's no lock on this dump.
Buena suerte trying to get anywhere anytime soon.
Vamonos! (Scoffs) (Clank) Oh! (Door closes) They took our phones.
(Engine starts) And our limo! Oh, what are we gonna do? There's things out there that can eat us.
It's gonna be, like, 1,000 degrees in here when the sun comes up! This is not the dress that I wanted to be found dead in.
I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
I can only imagine how much y'all hate me right now.
(All shout at once) But we are gonna get out of this.
(Spits) Come on.
Let's go.
No, where are you going? It's pitch-black out there.
What do you think you're doing, Carlene? What I always do travel the road that God has put in front of me.
Oh.
I'm gonna need my purse.
Oh, yeah.
(Doors creak) Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.
(Animal howling in distance) Come on! (Cricket) You'd think the Lord would have provided us with some flashlights.
(Zack) The ladies have been missing for 15 hours.
I keep trying to reach Blake.
Ripp doesn't answer.
They're gonna freak.
Don't go to the freak place yet.
We're trusting nothing bad's happened, okay? We'll set up our command center here.
Do you have photographs? That would be helpful.
Photographs? No.
No, I don't Oh, wait.
Your cell.
You took a picture.
Here you go, inspector.
Oh, señor.
(Chuckles) They're gone.
Let's roll.
(Grunts) (Cricket coughs) (Heather) Ow.
(Sighs) Oh, dear Lord.
Your breath.
Well, why don't you take a peek at your bed head before you start throwing stones? I knew I should have worn something with a sleeve.
Does anyone have anything to eat? I'm not scheduled for a meal for another two days.
(Sighs) I always have something to eat.
Always.
Always.
Yeah.
(Chuckles) Except today.
I have failed you.
You're not the one who failed us.
You're not the reason we're stuck in the desert.
Okay.
I own every piece of that, but we have got to stay positive.
(Grunts) (Sighs) There's a road.
Someone's gonna be driving down it.
(Grunts) (Coughs) We're gonna be fine.
We're not the first people that have wandered 40 days and 40 nights in a desert, right, Crick? (Grunts and sighs) Yeah, but not in these.
(Sighs) Okay.
Let's go.
Sun rises in the east, so by my recollection, what I laughingly call "civilization" (Laughs) would be this way.
Come on.
I'm gonna die if I don't get something to drink.
(Gasps) Ohh! Booze.
Thanks a lot.
Works for me.
Just have a little hit.
It's liquid.
(Cricket) You better wipe off that bottle after you You haven't been at your desk.
There's been several calls from pastor Tudor - on your private line.
- Okay.
- Okay, can you, uh, get him for me - Mm-hmm.
in a minute? Mason.
Blake.
You know, Cricket's still not back.
Gives me a chance to get to know you better.
Oh, Cricket's much more fascinating.
Oh, don't sell yourself short.
You got a lot more going on than meets the eye.
I like to think so.
(Chuckles) You're a real guy, a man's man.
What's this about? Discovery.
Revealing things about ourselves.
Last night I was talking to my new ranch foreman, Booth Becker.
I believe he worked under you for three years.
Booth's a good man.
He speaks very highly of you, too.
Tell Cricket I'll be back.
She and I have a lot to discuss.
(Inhales deeply) (Exhales deeply) (Telephone rings) (Sighs) (Beep) (Chuckles) Hey, pastor Tudor.
What's up? Wait.
What do you mean, "missing"? God, send us a car.
Yeah, with someone for me to love in it.
I want a man.
I got a horny horse breeder named Mason you can take off my hands.
Huh? That is all I'm sayin'.
I need more tequila.
Give me the worm.
I need protein.
No! Keep your hands off it.
It's mine.
Oh, it ain't doin' us any good.
Alcohol isn't hydrating, ladies.
It's making us worse.
It's wet, and it's keeping my mouth from feeling (Coughs) like the desert I'm walking on.
(Gulps) Here, Amanda.
Drink some.
Can't.
Alcoholic.
Aw, come on.
Just swish it around your mouth and spit it out.
It's better to hop off the wagon than die in the desert.
(Gulps) Amanda.
(Sighs) (Sharon) - Oh, b-but (Cricket) - All right.
Okay.
Uh, but, uh let me just I got it.
Come on.
Give me that.
Just share, Sharon! It is the only way we're gonna survive! Now you want to share? You want to share now? I heard you on the phone with Blake, trying to steal the face cream for yourself.
I had the idea to market it first.
You're not the only businesswomens in Dallas.
Oh, just 'cause you start spewing some biblical hummus, all of a sudden you're Martha Stewart? Losin' It With Jesus is just the beginning of my empire.
(Deep voice) You better watch your back.
There's a new mogul in town.
You're just no worm for you.
- Just give me that! - Don't - No.
No.
- waste your energy fighting! - Whoa, whoa.
- Stop it! Stop it! No, you're right.
I-I need to save my energy In case we get out of this alive, so I can crucify Carlene, and that is some heavy liftin'.
If you had just given up your condos Why didn't you?! Oh! (Grunts) Because it is what I believe.
Oh, can't you believe somethin' else?! No! (Sighs) It's what I am.
Don't you get it? What I believe wakes me up in the morning and gets me through my day.
It's how my soul breathes.
It's my source of joy.
It's what gets me through my pain! I love my God.
He has given me all my blessings (Voice breaks) And I just wanted to make him happy.
He's the one that told Ripp to put our condos here.
Time out.
- No.
No.
No.
- Yes.
- Amanda, stop.
- Yes.
- Don't.
- Yes, mother.
Carlene, God's a man, right, and you trust him? World without end.
(Snorts) Well, then he is the only man you can trust.
Let me tell you something about Ripp and his little chat with the Lord.
Don't blaspheme.
That's all I ask.
The Lord did not talk to Ripp.
Amanda (Chuckles) My family doesn't lie.
Yes, they do.
Your brother Luke he told me he was in Austin, but I went to see him in Austin, and he wasn't there.
Well, if avoiding you was a sin, we'd all have gone to hell a long time ago.
Luke's here with Ripp.
Ripp is in Denver.
No, he is not.
(Scoffs) He is here shacked up with a little somethin' somethin' in Incorporated Juarez.
She's, like, 22, beautiful, tall.
Poor, delirious Amanda.
I'd pray for you if it wasn't so hot.
Thank you.
Thank you for making us all aware of the demons that alcohol can release in you.
I saw it with my own eyes.
So did mama.
Tell her! (Voice breaks) Gigi? I'm so sorry, Carlene.
(Crying) (Thud) Oh.
(Crying) Leave me.
Just leave me.
All right.
Now we have to carry her.
- Pick her up.
- Okay.
Pick her up! We've got to move.
Maybe next time you keep your mouth shut till we get where we're going.
Yes, ma'am.
(Voice breaks) She was tall? No.
No, no, no.
Not really.
Ballpark! 5'8".
(Sobbing) Oh, my God! No.
No! We're trying to retrace their steps.
(Sighs) Keep dialing.
Maybe somebody will answer.
They said they were coming back here.
Oh, I wish they had.
Such good customers and so sweet, except the one named after an insect.
Somebody pick up! (Cell phone rings) (Ring) (Ring) (Ring) (Ring, beep) Cricket's phone.
(Beep) (Sighs) I didn't know.
Uh, y-you have to believe me.
Dodo he's such a nice boy.
He wouldn't hurt a fly.
Don't hurt him, padre.
Where are they? ¿Donde los mueres? (Strained voice) En el desierto.
"Dessert"? - I think I think "desert.
" - Si.
(Door creaks) (All panting) Ok ok.
There in the distance, beckoning to us.
Is it an angel? No, you nitwit.
It's you.
We're back at the ground-breaking.
(Sobbing) Oh, thank God.
A porta-potty.
(Shouts indistinctly) (Grunts) - Give me that! - Haaah! Oh! No! No! There is no God! (Carlene) I have no reason to live.
Suck it, Carlene.
Oh.
I will never serve another caffettini again.
(Spits) There.
That is proof that you're not giving up.
You're still thinking about the future.
It is not the end the world.
I've survived what my husband did to me.
I'll survive what Luke did to me when I find out exactly what it is.
I mean, you'll get your condos back.
Debby Horowitz can have 'em.
They were built on a lie.
Carlene, we'll get through this.
(Panting) Well I checked the backhoe, and there's no radio.
There are no flares.
The gas cap is locked, so there is nothing to burn to send up a signal.
Carlene got us into this, and by all that is holy, she is gonna get us out.
(Whimpers) Huh? Mama's gonna make it all better.
(Sharon) Are you gonna do her hair? Nope.
I'm gonna blow this baby up.
Once I realized we were kidnapped, I put this in the safest place I could think of.
(Gasps) - Oh! (Carlene) - Run.
Oh! Oh, no! (Click) - She's got a gun.
(Amanda) - Mama.
Oh, I need to get a gun.
Help.
Oh, God! Oh, she's (gunshot) Aah! (Cackles) Oh, my Lord! (Shouting at once) Thank God for big hair.
(Amanda) Mama, you (Laughter) I gotta tell ya, back when the pastor selection committee was interviewing you for the pulpit, we had no idea that you were trained to snap a man's neck with your bare hands.
I mean, how do they walk in those things? They're like ice picks.
Amanda was wearing a wedge.
If I hadn't begged her to come, she wouldn't be Señor! Mire! Oh, man, that's gotta be them.
(Man) Gracias, señoras, for helping.
Thanks to you, Debby Horowitz has been identified and will soon be in custody.
I am just glad that my obsession with detail and photographic memory could help you in your investigation.
Actually, it was my identification of the honeycrisp apple that Debby was eating which enabled the authorities to track her to the only organic market in Unincorporated Juarez.
Well, I have so much more money than you.
She may not for long.
I've got good news.
Uh Honey, I sold the company.
(Whispers) Zack.
(Normal voice) You sold Losin' It With Jesus? How could you do that? It's my company.
Exactly, and it still is.
You retain control.
You are the face of the company.
They can't make a move without consulting you.
- You still run it, honey.
- Zack, I don't like it.
Something doesn't feel right.
There's always a catch.
Sharon, this gives us capital, which will let your business ventures explode.
First thing we do when we get back is set up a meeting with the honchos at the Healthy Bod Corp and let them know who they're messing with.
What about the Healthy Bod Corp? Thanks to Zack, they own me now.
Well I own the Healthy Bod Corp.
(Both) What? Or rather, one of my subsidiaries, the Fat-Fit-Fat group, owns it.
I instructed them to buy up only the best wellness companies.
Congratulations, Sharon.
(Chuckles nervously) You're a good investment.
(Blake) Crick! Oh! Baby.
Baby.
(Chuckles) Ohh.
I have never been so happy to see you in my life.
(Laughs) Oh, me, too.
I just want to go home and be with you and forget the world.
Ohh! Ohh! From now on, it is just you and me.
(Inhales deeply) Solid.
Forever.
Yeah.
(Chuckles) Just you and me.
Blake? What's wrong? It's nothin'.
It's nothin'.
Not now.
No.
I almost just died in the desert.
From now on, everything is now.
It's, um It's Mason Massey.
I I saw it in your eyes.
You you care about him, don't you? Yeah.
All your trainers and tennis pros, Tae Kwon Do instructors you never cared about them.
That's why he's different.
That scares you.
Blake, I wasn't totally honest with you.
You're right.
I was attracted to Mason.
He kissed me.
I liked it, but I am shuttin' him down.
Hey, it is just you and me.
We never have to deal with him again.
Yeah, we do.
He knows.
"He knows"? He knows No.
No.
No.
(Sighs) (Whispers) No.
If what you say is true, God doesn't give us things we can't handle, and I want you to know that I forgive you both in advance if this is a result of an alcoholic delusion or early senility.
Hola.
May I help you? Whoa.
Um, yes.
Is Ripp Cockburn here? Si.
- Dios mio.
(Whispers) - It's okay.
Carlene, what are you doing here? (Gasps) What are you doing here, Ripp? Kitten, the Lord has really been testing me.
Testing you? Why is she so tall? - You know the last thing I want to do is to hurt you.
(Shaky voice) - Huh? I wasn't even sure about Lucia until a couple weeks ago.
I've been wantin' to tell you.
It's all just happened so fast.
(High-pitched voice) Mnh-mnh.
Kitten, this is certainly not the way I wanted to spring it on you, but you deserve to know the truth, and, well (Gasps) Lucia is my daughter.
Daughter? How old are you? Just move.
Just shut the front door.
- Kitten.
- Shut it! I need some answers.
I need to give you some.
I need a drink! Taxi! I want some tequila and a ticket.
(Engine starts) Guys like Ripp get blackmailed all time, so I did the legwork, and when it looked like Lucia might be the real deal, he wanted to be able to come and go without upsetting Carlene till he knew the truth.
So that's why you lied to me? Hey.
I am so sorry.
(Sighs) Amanda I love you.
I'm not over my trust issues with men.
I thought I was, and I realize now why you did what you did, but it really bothers me that you did it so effortlessly, so I don't know.
Where does that leave us? We'll see.
(Sighs) May I? Hey.
Belly up.
I got a joke for you.
A good person, a Christian, and a bitch walk into a bar.
The joke is they're all the same person me! (Chuckles) Needs some work.
That's that's not funny.
(Laughs) I'm sorry you've been through such pain.
God certainly has been testing me, all right.
Everything happens for a reason, and that's my last cliche, I promise.
Mm.
(Sips) Ooh.
Straight vodka.
Fun fact I fell off the wagon today.
(Clatters) Yeah.
Amanda, this is major.
But the good news is God's not the only one who tests me.
I test myself, too.
That tequila in the desert scared me to death.
I ordered the drink to see what would happen.
Nada.
Haven't touched it.
I'm gonna be okay.
(Laughing) I mean (Sighs) I'm still a hot mess in most other categories.
(Chuckles) Well, uh, uh, two ginger ales, please.
(Glass clatters) (Man) Si, señor.
Ugh.
Okay.
Enough about me.
You.
I don't know anything about you.
I just know that you're a good preacher and a really good boss (Chuckles) and I was lost in a desert and you found me.
There's not much more to know.
(Glasses clatter) Why did you become a pastor? Well, um, after a very imperfect youth, I didn't have a clue what to do with my life, so I joined the military uh, search and rescue, Fallujah.
Two tours.
I loved rescuing people.
Uh, when I got out, ministry seemed like the next best thing.
(Chuckles) A lot less dangerous.
Well, there's always risk in anything.
In all the missions, I never worried about the danger.
I just pulled the cord and trusted that God would guide me.
I lived for that moment when I could look into someone's eyes and see them realize I've come to save them.
(Inhales deeply) Oh, dear God.
We're in God's hands.
(Amanda) Then why did God let them tie up ours? (Man) Dama, silencio! Cricket, we're all boppin' down to Juarez today.
Gotta file the land deed for my condos for Christian living.
Turns out, there's some sort of ticking clock on the deadline.
Who knew they even paid attention to clocks in Meh-hee-ho? Anyways, can I borrow your plane? I don't think I'll be needing it today.
What happened to yours? Oh, Ripp's using it.
He's out of town.
Oh, Cricket, come with us.
It'll be fun.
I have no interest in going to unincorporated Juarez.
But it's the ground breaking ceremony for my project, my dream come true.
Be there.
Support me! And you can come with me and Zack when we visit the factory where they make my losin' it with Jesus baskets.
Now that I'm a real businesswoman, Cricket, I understand why you love it so much.
Please come.
You know, I'm so happy that your little diet plan's going well, but as a real businesswoman, I have to stay here and tend to real business.
Oh, come on, Crick.
You can take a half-day.
Come shopping with me.
What, in Juarez? What do you buy in Juarez? Well, I heard about this new lotion that just surfaced down there very hard to get.
I just happen to have the address.
Heather, what you need to be doing is selling my condos, not buying up illegal skin cream.
Well, you're the one who put me in charge of sellin' em.
I gotta look good to do it.
I'm sorry.
I'm tied to my desk all day, and I hate Mexico.
Knock yourselves out.
(Beep) Are you in? Mr.
Massey's here, but he doesn't have an appointment I'd think you were avoiding me.
I am avoiding you.
I make it a point to avoid stalkers.
(Bluetooth clatters) You scared of me? No.
(Chuckles) I'm not scared of you.
Of course not.
I know you enjoyed our little kiss last week.
I am a happily married woman, Mason.
You enjoyed that kiss way more than a happily married woman should ever enjoy a kiss with a man she barely knows.
So inappropriate.
So I was thinking we could take an early lunch that could easily turn into a late one.
Not interested.
- Really? - Mnh-mnh.
'Cause it's clear from your body language that you're, uh, hungry.
Well, I'm what my body language is saying is that I am going to Mexico.
Mexico? What's in Mexico? (Chuckles) - Darlin'! - Hey.
Ohh.
(Chuckles) Wow.
(Chuckles) - W mm.
- Mwah.
Uh Carlene is kicking off her business venture in Juarez.
- Uh-huh.
- She is my closest friend.
It is essential that I be present to support her.
Mason Massey, this is my dear husband Blake.
Hi.
It's nice to meet you face-to-face.
Are you a friend of Cricket's? Mm too early to tell.
We're still getting our business sorted out.
Mm.
Blake, your pedicure's waiting.
Oh, thanks, darlin'.
It's all that rough ridin'.
Those cowboy boots tear up his toes.
Yeah, it's a problem.
Hmm.
We'll talk more about sword of Caesar when I get back.
Are you and he Not at all.
Mnh-mnh.
Sword of Caesar is his horse.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Oh.
- He's just a stud service.
- You know, it's okay, Crick.
We both have our outside interests.
No.
Mnh-mnh.
Mason is not okay.
Mason cannot be an outside interest.
He is he's different.
"Different"? And what does that mean? Uh You know, I should get to the airport.
Adios.
(Blows kisses) (Both chuckle) (Under breath) Adios.
It's an important event in my life.
I want you to bless the occasion.
Aren't you just filing a land deed? It's so much more than a land deed! A sweet woman named Amoxtli, who's the president of the Aztec Spiritual and Heritage League, told me to get my butt down there, because the moon, planet, and sun are in perfect alignment for condo success.
It's the ideal time to break ground.
Now you and I don't believe in that malarkey, but the construction workers might.
I've alerted the media.
My signage is everywhere.
You don't need a pastor to bless a shovel of sand.
Ripp's an elder in the church.
You know he can pray up a storm.
Ripp's in Denver on business, and besides, the condos for Christian living is my passion, even more so now that the Lord spoke to Ripp and told him to tell me to put my condos in Meh-hee-ho.
I can't go.
I'm trying to write a very difficult sermon series on the book of revelation.
Pastor Tudor, pastor Tudor, pastor Tudor.
Nobody understands revelations.
Never have.
Never will.
And anyways, by the time it comes around, we'll all be dead! Please.
(Singsongy) If you go to Juarez, I promise not to bother you again about my condos.
Promise, promise, promise.
Okay.
I have to be back by 6:00.
Ohh! Vamitos! (Beep) - Bye.
(Sighs) Oh.
(Whispers) - Hey.
- John, I'm off.
- Oh.
Amanda, wait.
Don't go.
I-I need you.
Do you remember, I told you I'm taking a couple of days off? I'm on my way to Austin to surprise Luke.
Can you delay it? (Sighs) I've just committed to go to Juarez with Carlene and Sharon and Cricket, and please come.
(Chuckles) You don't want to chow down on a big plate of crazy all by yourself? - I could really use the moral support.
- Um Uh, there are flights to Austin every hour.
And Amanda's on the next one.
I'm driving her to the airport.
Come along, darlin'.
We'll be late.
Oh.
Um wait, mama.
Uh maybe I should go.
Pastor Tudor's never asked me for a favor before.
And you've never had a good man before.
She should go see Luke.
(Sighs) We all want Amanda's happiness and more grandchildren, don't we? Grandchildren? Not again.
(Chuckles) Gigi's right, Amanda.
I was being weak and selfish.
I served in Iraq.
(Chuckles) I can handle it.
I'm sure it's just a glorified shoppin' trip.
Shopping? I love the leather in Juarez.
Go.
You go with him, and I'll cab it to the airport.
Perfect.
I adore Mexico.
(Mouths words) Have you ever seen "Night of the Iguana"? Uh, no, but I do love nature films.
- Zack? - Yep.
We have to have a come to Jesus with the foreman of the basketeria.
We have some major quality control issues.
I'm mucho P.
O.
'd.
Maybe this will make you feel better.
The Healthy Bod Corp contacted me this morning.
They are interested in buying Losin' It With Jesus! But I don't want to be sold.
I like what I'm doing.
Tell 'em no.
Well (Clears throat) Let's just hear 'em out, sugar pop.
I mean, I know what I'm doing.
(Sighs) Getting an initial offer is a good way to establish the value of the company.
Trust me.
I'm a car salesman.
The value of the company is the satisfaction I get from doing something that I love, like whoopin' some butt at the basketeria.
Juarez, here we come.
(Smacks) Hey, Luke.
It's me.
So what are you up to? (Luke) I'm just working at home.
(Sighs) Haven't left the house all day.
Excellent.
What you up to tonight? Nothin' much.
Watchin' TV.
Hangin'.
Well, who knows? Maybe something interesting might pop up when you least expect it.
Like what? Bye.
(Cell phone beeps) (Exhales deeply) (Door opens) Hello.
Is this Luke Lourd's house? Yeah.
I'm his next door neighbor.
(Chuckles) Just came over to shift the solar cell circuits.
He's not here.
Where is he? Mexico.
He went to Juarez for a couple of days.
Can I give him a message? Juarez, huh? (Chuckles) Amazing.
Do you know where he's staying, if you don't mind giving me the address? Sure.
(Chuckles) You don't look like an ax murderer.
Mnh-mnh.
(Laughs) GCB 1x10 - Revelation Original air date May 6, 2012 (Man over P.
A.
) - Ladies and gentlemen - Oh! We'll be leaving in about five minutes.
Amanda, darlin', what are you doing here? Sweet, uninvited Amanda, I guess in California party crashing is acceptable behavior.
I hope you don't mind me tagging along.
All of a sudden, I'm fascinated with Juarez.
I mean, what's up with Juarez? What's going on there? I gotta know.
(Chuckles) Well, I'm happy to have you if you'd consider buying a condo.
I'll consider it.
Then hola! (Chuckles) Ah, ah, ah.
Alcoholic.
(Sighs) (Lowered voice) You'd consider buying a condo? (Lowered voice) Are you high? What about Austin? How was Luke? Was he surprised? Luke isn't in Austin.
What? (Tone chimes) Okay, everyone, buckle up.
Should be a short, smooth flight over to Juarez.
(Seat belt buckles click) No, my wife's Losin' It With Jesus food is inspired by the King James version, which is public domain.
However, her recipes are copyrighted right here in the U.
S.
of A.
, which means if we were interested in selling, which we are not, uh, they wouldn't be included in the base price.
- They're the optional trim package.
- Zack! - Yeah? - Off.
You can play master of the universe when we land.
I'll call you back.
I'll call you back.
(Cell phone beeps) He is so sweet.
He's trying to establish my value.
As a fellow businesswoman Crick! (Snaps fingers) You'll appreciate this.
There's interest in franchising Losin' It With Jesus, which I'm shortening to just the initials "L.
I.
W.
J.
" To make it more catchy Lywudge.
Just rolls off the tongue.
(High-pitched voice) I love you.
(Giggles) (Chuckles) (Engine roaring) (Woman speaking in Spanish over P.
A.
) Everybody, Alberto and dodo will be our security detail.
Now I know what you're thinking.
The Lord always protects us, but a couple of big guys with guns helps make his job a whole lot easier.
(Amanda chuckles) Let's get this party started.
First a little shopping, then off to break ground.
- ¿Libre? - Amanda.
Hey! What is going on? What happened with Luke? Tell me.
- Nothing.
- Talk to me.
He lied to me.
He is here in Juarez, and I'm gonna find him and find out why.
I'm coming with you.
Uh - Uh, see you at the ceremony.
- No.
Mother, I need to do this on my own.
Don't argue with me.
I have pesos, and I'm packing.
- Come on.
Where are we going? - You're packing? You're not coming? I'll go with you.
Juarez can be dangerous.
That's sweet, but she's got her mama.
Let's go, darlin'.
We'll catch up with you.
Señor, veinte veintitres calle de (Car doors close, engine starts) Okay.
Wait.
Oh! Oh, my goodness.
Is that Jason from (Speaks indistinctly) This is Baby Jesus Central.
I'm always looking for vintage Christ Childs for my pastoral collection.
It smells spicy.
I love this.
Oh! Twice as expensive back in Dallas.
Look at this.
His arms move.
It's like he's throwing a football.
(Clicks) Ohh.
It's like a miracle.
Feels incredible.
Mm.
The ingredients are so rare, so delicate.
I can only produce it in small amounts.
That's why it's so expensive.
(Lowered voice) Smart businesswomen like us should take that back to the states and make millions, like Mary Kay.
Mm-hmm.
A smart businesswoman like me knows it would take years to get F.
D.
A.
approval, and the base cost for all cosmetic ingredients averages 23 cents a jar.
This chica's a hack.
I'll take three.
Heather, how do you know this works? I'm 62 years old.
I want another one.
(Shouting at once) Darling Amanda, listen to me.
You can't just go go blasting in there (Closes door) without any kind of plan.
Got a plan.
I'm gonna ring the doorbell and rip him a new one.
Luke lied to me.
I have had it with men lying to me.
Oh, I never got to confront my dead husband about his lies, so this will feel extra good.
Listen, deep down in my heart, I know Luke's a good boy.
There has to be an explanation.
I'll hold him down while you slit his throat.
Shh! (Gasps) (Lowered voice) What? (Breathing heavily) (Whispers) What did you see? (Lowered voice) Give me a boost.
Ripp? He's supposed to be in Denver! (Continues breathing heavily) (Whispers) Oh, my God.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
(Sighs) There's just not gonna be any easy way to tell Carlene.
I-I know this is hard for you, but you are a good person, Ripp.
I knew that the moment I laid eyes on you.
You know, a couple weeks ago, I played Jesus in a musical.
It had a profound effect on me.
Ever since then, whenever I find myself in a difficult situation, I'm always asking, "what would Jesus do?" Only problem here is Jesus was never married to Carlene.
I doubt if he ever even dated anybody half as complicated as she is.
Ripp, Amanda went to my house in Austin.
She knows I'm here.
Uh, don't worry.
There's no way she could know about you and Lucia.
Well (Sighs) honesty's the best way to go.
I'm going back home and lay my cards on the table.
Lucia, will you come with me? Si.
("Rock of Ages" ringtone playing) (Sighs) Carlene will know about you tomorrow, and my life will change.
There's so much we need to discover about each other.
(Ringtone stops) (Cell phone beeps) (Sets down glass) Then let tonight just be about us.
(John) Bless the shovel that will mark the making of the condos for Christian living.
Bless the construction workers that will make this dream a reality.
Bless the walls that will retain those who will bring glory to God.
No wonder the Lord told Ripp to build condos in Juarez.
It's the perfect cover.
He can have his hot tamale and eat it, too.
I'm so sick of moral dilemmas, I could just spit.
I have to tell Carlene right now, mama.
No! No, you will not.
You will not stick your hand in that cage, missy.
No.
You stay out of their mess.
If you tell her, you will be ruining one of the biggest days of her life.
(John) Bless the people that will reside here.
- Amanda.
- Bless the grounds - so that they may only be holy to God.
- I'm thinking.
(Whispers) Behave.
Bless the doors so that whomever walks through them will be forever changed.
Bless the sink.
Ble bl just bless all the major appliances and just bless everything, as we strive to serve you in everything we do.
Uh, amen.
(All) - Amen! - Amen.
You forgot to bless the indoor luge.
It's covered, Carlene.
Shovel it.
Oh, okay.
Hold my purse.
(Chuckles) Y'all ready? Yes.
(Chuckles) This ground is officially broken.
(Cheering) Now I'm not saying everyone who moves in here has to be a Christian.
I'm just saying you have to live like one! (Women laugh) Oh, hey, Zack, take a picture for my sales brochure.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(Zack) - Oh, sure.
Yeah.
(Sharon) Yeah, let's do it.
Carlene.
All right, ladies.
Photo op.
Smile pretty.
(Women, singsongy) Bless me! (Camera shutter clicks) Muy bonita.
Thank God you made it.
I was getting worried.
Everything okay? Everything's just Unbelievable.
(Cell phone rings, beep) Zack Peacham here.
Hit me.
Oh, uh oh, uh wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Would you would you mind repeating that, please? (Clears throat) (Clears throat) Um, I'm sorry.
We got a terrible signal.
Can I call you back? Okay.
All right.
(Beep) They just offered us $15 million for Lywudge, and that's just their first offer.
That's nice.
Honey, moving two G-classes off the lot in one day is nice.
This is the answer to our prayers.
We can retire.
Retire? I just got started.
I love being in control of my own business.
I want to be a mistress to the universe, just like Cricket.
Uh (Sighs) Oh! (Static crackling) Blake? Blake? Uh (Sighs) Bad reception.
Uh, listen, there's a cosmetics cream down here that I just think is amazing, and (static crackling) H-hello? H uh (Sighs) I think we really need to move on it fast, and (beeping) (Sighs) Lost it.
(Beep) Damn! Carlene.
We need to head back by the Botanica on our way back to the plane.
Claro.
(Whispering) Cricket is stealing my idea.
Who cares? I have to get down to the Botanica.
I cannot let Cricket out of my sight.
- I'll see you at the basketeria.
- Okay.
Okay.
Andele! Andele! Need to get to city hall and file the deed before they take another siesta.
Dodo! (Women speaking indistinctly) Can I go with you, please? Please.
Welcome to my world.
(Beeping) (Sighs) Ugh.
If you're gonna build Bibleville out here, Carlene, you're gonna have to put up a Tower of Babel cell tower.
We don't seem to be heading back to town.
It's just more desert.
Lord.
Where are they taking us? Can we please go back to the sui-dad? (Switch clicks) Hello? Hey.
Driver.
¿Hola? Strange.
Carlene, where'd you find these men? (Cricket) Sharon, try the door.
(Gasps) Locked in! What's happening? What's going on up there?! Dios mio! Silencio! Okay? No hablo ingles! (Under breath) Heather, you talk to him.
- Well, uh, I don't speak Spanish.
(All) - What? (Speaks Spanish) We've been kidnapped.
What?! (All shouting at once) You open that back up! Do you know who we are back here? (Carlene) Don't worry.
We're in God's hands.
(Amanda) Then why did God let them tie up ours? (Dodo) Dama, silencio! (Panting) Ohh.
(Speaks indistinctly) (Whispers) Mother.
Your gun.
Shh.
Please don't hurt us.
Here.
Take my jewelry.
(Clicks tongue) Por favor.
What, you don't think it's real? (Spits) Juan valdez might not understand English, but I bet he'll understand sex.
Work it.
- Get us outta here.
Go.
- What? Uh (Grunts) Ohh.
Uh ¿Por favor? (Whispers) Let us vamos, hmm? Yo soy homosexual.
I'll take it from here.
Excuse me.
"Homosexual" (Gasps) Homosexual.
Oh.
Yes.
(Speaking Spanish) Hmm.
(Speaking Spanish) Hmm.
Bueno.
Okay.
Vamos ahora.
Ohh! (Women speak indistinctly) (Woman) Not so fast.
You're not going anywhere.
Bring her closer.
Who? Who "her"? Who? Muevense.
(Grunts) Don't you hurt her! Who are you? Like she'll tell you.
Debby Horowitz.
I don't want your money or your bling or your other decadent garbage, shorty.
Then what do you want? My people want you to go away.
"Horowitz"? I'm a proud descendant of the Aztec nation.
My native Nahuatl name is Amoxtli.
So you're a Windian.
You're the one who invited me down here to break ground.
Yes.
When we realized your vile condo project was ready to happen, we knew we had to stop you.
I will not allow you to defile our sacred, ancient spiritual ground.
"Horowitz"? I am one-eighth Nahua.
It counts.
All we want is our peace and honor.
Mm.
What's this? Sign it.
You will grant the rights back to the people who rightfully own this land, and when you do, you and your manolo-teetering, pencil-skirted, fashion-sheep posse will be free to go.
- Sign it.
- Oh, you should sign that, Carlene.
- Carlene, I'm selling 'em, and I want you to sign the paper.
- Okay, Carlene, you sign that right now.
(Women speak at once) I don't know how you say it in Nalu-ha-ha But no.
(Papers thud) Carlene! (Women shouting at once) Carlene! (Shouting continues) How much? (High-pitched voice) 20? Oh, God.
I'd love to say yes.
I-I have to, uh uh - Is okay? - Uh, I have to reserve comment until I go over the terms with my wife.
Well, at the moment, she's unreachable, so, uh (Chuckles) Well well, you see, no, I-I can't just take it or leave it because can you can you just hang on one minute, please? Thank you.
(Lowered voice) I'm sorry.
Can I interrupt you? Sure.
I'm just trying to explain the appearance of the second beast in Revelation.
Super.
Listen, I'm kinda out of my league.
A huge corporation just put a deadline on their offer to buy Losin' It With Jesus, a-and I don't feel right pulling the trigger without Sharon's okay, but she's not answering the phone.
Wh-what do I do? We need this.
We've been in such bad shape financially.
This could give my family security, pastor.
Zack, you know what's in Sharon's heart.
- Yeah.
- I'm sure you're acting in her best interests.
- Yes.
- Pray on it.
(Whispers) Right.
We got a deal! We got a deal! (Laughs) - It's gonna get dark soon.
I-I wonder what's keeping 'em.
- I can't tell you how happy I am.
Let it go, you crazy Christian! You know what? When a young child is asked by a grown-up what they want to be when they grow up, do you know what I said I wanted to be? A martyr.
She did.
It's true.
She had a picture of Joan of Arc in her locker.
So bring it on, Debby Horowitz.
(Deep voice) Let my people go And then do whatever you want to to me.
What are you gonna do to (High-pitched voice) me? (Gasps) (Gasps) Don't harm her! It's not worth it! The land's not even hers! She hasn't even filed the papers yet! The deed's in her purse! Ohh! What is the plural of Judas?! Oh, an apple.
Ohh.
(Crunching) You're so mean.
Oh, my God.
Dodo.
Ohh.
God is gonna get you for this.
Oh, yeah? Whose? Mine is the Sun.
I'll just get the land back.
Lawyer up.
It's the Mexican legal system.
What's your estimated life span? (Gigi) You got what you wanted.
Do as you promised and let us go.
You're not gonna leave us in here locked up.
There's no lock on this dump.
Buena suerte trying to get anywhere anytime soon.
Vamonos! (Scoffs) (Clank) Oh! (Door closes) They took our phones.
(Engine starts) And our limo! Oh, what are we gonna do? There's things out there that can eat us.
It's gonna be, like, 1,000 degrees in here when the sun comes up! This is not the dress that I wanted to be found dead in.
I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
I can only imagine how much y'all hate me right now.
(All shout at once) But we are gonna get out of this.
(Spits) Come on.
Let's go.
No, where are you going? It's pitch-black out there.
What do you think you're doing, Carlene? What I always do travel the road that God has put in front of me.
Oh.
I'm gonna need my purse.
Oh, yeah.
(Doors creak) Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.
(Animal howling in distance) Come on! (Cricket) You'd think the Lord would have provided us with some flashlights.
(Zack) The ladies have been missing for 15 hours.
I keep trying to reach Blake.
Ripp doesn't answer.
They're gonna freak.
Don't go to the freak place yet.
We're trusting nothing bad's happened, okay? We'll set up our command center here.
Do you have photographs? That would be helpful.
Photographs? No.
No, I don't Oh, wait.
Your cell.
You took a picture.
Here you go, inspector.
Oh, señor.
(Chuckles) They're gone.
Let's roll.
(Grunts) (Cricket coughs) (Heather) Ow.
(Sighs) Oh, dear Lord.
Your breath.
Well, why don't you take a peek at your bed head before you start throwing stones? I knew I should have worn something with a sleeve.
Does anyone have anything to eat? I'm not scheduled for a meal for another two days.
(Sighs) I always have something to eat.
Always.
Always.
Yeah.
(Chuckles) Except today.
I have failed you.
You're not the one who failed us.
You're not the reason we're stuck in the desert.
Okay.
I own every piece of that, but we have got to stay positive.
(Grunts) (Sighs) There's a road.
Someone's gonna be driving down it.
(Grunts) (Coughs) We're gonna be fine.
We're not the first people that have wandered 40 days and 40 nights in a desert, right, Crick? (Grunts and sighs) Yeah, but not in these.
(Sighs) Okay.
Let's go.
Sun rises in the east, so by my recollection, what I laughingly call "civilization" (Laughs) would be this way.
Come on.
I'm gonna die if I don't get something to drink.
(Gasps) Ohh! Booze.
Thanks a lot.
Works for me.
Just have a little hit.
It's liquid.
(Cricket) You better wipe off that bottle after you You haven't been at your desk.
There's been several calls from pastor Tudor - on your private line.
- Okay.
- Okay, can you, uh, get him for me - Mm-hmm.
in a minute? Mason.
Blake.
You know, Cricket's still not back.
Gives me a chance to get to know you better.
Oh, Cricket's much more fascinating.
Oh, don't sell yourself short.
You got a lot more going on than meets the eye.
I like to think so.
(Chuckles) You're a real guy, a man's man.
What's this about? Discovery.
Revealing things about ourselves.
Last night I was talking to my new ranch foreman, Booth Becker.
I believe he worked under you for three years.
Booth's a good man.
He speaks very highly of you, too.
Tell Cricket I'll be back.
She and I have a lot to discuss.
(Inhales deeply) (Exhales deeply) (Telephone rings) (Sighs) (Beep) (Chuckles) Hey, pastor Tudor.
What's up? Wait.
What do you mean, "missing"? God, send us a car.
Yeah, with someone for me to love in it.
I want a man.
I got a horny horse breeder named Mason you can take off my hands.
Huh? That is all I'm sayin'.
I need more tequila.
Give me the worm.
I need protein.
No! Keep your hands off it.
It's mine.
Oh, it ain't doin' us any good.
Alcohol isn't hydrating, ladies.
It's making us worse.
It's wet, and it's keeping my mouth from feeling (Coughs) like the desert I'm walking on.
(Gulps) Here, Amanda.
Drink some.
Can't.
Alcoholic.
Aw, come on.
Just swish it around your mouth and spit it out.
It's better to hop off the wagon than die in the desert.
(Gulps) Amanda.
(Sighs) (Sharon) - Oh, b-but (Cricket) - All right.
Okay.
Uh, but, uh let me just I got it.
Come on.
Give me that.
Just share, Sharon! It is the only way we're gonna survive! Now you want to share? You want to share now? I heard you on the phone with Blake, trying to steal the face cream for yourself.
I had the idea to market it first.
You're not the only businesswomens in Dallas.
Oh, just 'cause you start spewing some biblical hummus, all of a sudden you're Martha Stewart? Losin' It With Jesus is just the beginning of my empire.
(Deep voice) You better watch your back.
There's a new mogul in town.
You're just no worm for you.
- Just give me that! - Don't - No.
No.
- waste your energy fighting! - Whoa, whoa.
- Stop it! Stop it! No, you're right.
I-I need to save my energy In case we get out of this alive, so I can crucify Carlene, and that is some heavy liftin'.
If you had just given up your condos Why didn't you?! Oh! (Grunts) Because it is what I believe.
Oh, can't you believe somethin' else?! No! (Sighs) It's what I am.
Don't you get it? What I believe wakes me up in the morning and gets me through my day.
It's how my soul breathes.
It's my source of joy.
It's what gets me through my pain! I love my God.
He has given me all my blessings (Voice breaks) And I just wanted to make him happy.
He's the one that told Ripp to put our condos here.
Time out.
- No.
No.
No.
- Yes.
- Amanda, stop.
- Yes.
- Don't.
- Yes, mother.
Carlene, God's a man, right, and you trust him? World without end.
(Snorts) Well, then he is the only man you can trust.
Let me tell you something about Ripp and his little chat with the Lord.
Don't blaspheme.
That's all I ask.
The Lord did not talk to Ripp.
Amanda (Chuckles) My family doesn't lie.
Yes, they do.
Your brother Luke he told me he was in Austin, but I went to see him in Austin, and he wasn't there.
Well, if avoiding you was a sin, we'd all have gone to hell a long time ago.
Luke's here with Ripp.
Ripp is in Denver.
No, he is not.
(Scoffs) He is here shacked up with a little somethin' somethin' in Incorporated Juarez.
She's, like, 22, beautiful, tall.
Poor, delirious Amanda.
I'd pray for you if it wasn't so hot.
Thank you.
Thank you for making us all aware of the demons that alcohol can release in you.
I saw it with my own eyes.
So did mama.
Tell her! (Voice breaks) Gigi? I'm so sorry, Carlene.
(Crying) (Thud) Oh.
(Crying) Leave me.
Just leave me.
All right.
Now we have to carry her.
- Pick her up.
- Okay.
Pick her up! We've got to move.
Maybe next time you keep your mouth shut till we get where we're going.
Yes, ma'am.
(Voice breaks) She was tall? No.
No, no, no.
Not really.
Ballpark! 5'8".
(Sobbing) Oh, my God! No.
No! We're trying to retrace their steps.
(Sighs) Keep dialing.
Maybe somebody will answer.
They said they were coming back here.
Oh, I wish they had.
Such good customers and so sweet, except the one named after an insect.
Somebody pick up! (Cell phone rings) (Ring) (Ring) (Ring) (Ring, beep) Cricket's phone.
(Beep) (Sighs) I didn't know.
Uh, y-you have to believe me.
Dodo he's such a nice boy.
He wouldn't hurt a fly.
Don't hurt him, padre.
Where are they? ¿Donde los mueres? (Strained voice) En el desierto.
"Dessert"? - I think I think "desert.
" - Si.
(Door creaks) (All panting) Ok ok.
There in the distance, beckoning to us.
Is it an angel? No, you nitwit.
It's you.
We're back at the ground-breaking.
(Sobbing) Oh, thank God.
A porta-potty.
(Shouts indistinctly) (Grunts) - Give me that! - Haaah! Oh! No! No! There is no God! (Carlene) I have no reason to live.
Suck it, Carlene.
Oh.
I will never serve another caffettini again.
(Spits) There.
That is proof that you're not giving up.
You're still thinking about the future.
It is not the end the world.
I've survived what my husband did to me.
I'll survive what Luke did to me when I find out exactly what it is.
I mean, you'll get your condos back.
Debby Horowitz can have 'em.
They were built on a lie.
Carlene, we'll get through this.
(Panting) Well I checked the backhoe, and there's no radio.
There are no flares.
The gas cap is locked, so there is nothing to burn to send up a signal.
Carlene got us into this, and by all that is holy, she is gonna get us out.
(Whimpers) Huh? Mama's gonna make it all better.
(Sharon) Are you gonna do her hair? Nope.
I'm gonna blow this baby up.
Once I realized we were kidnapped, I put this in the safest place I could think of.
(Gasps) - Oh! (Carlene) - Run.
Oh! Oh, no! (Click) - She's got a gun.
(Amanda) - Mama.
Oh, I need to get a gun.
Help.
Oh, God! Oh, she's (gunshot) Aah! (Cackles) Oh, my Lord! (Shouting at once) Thank God for big hair.
(Amanda) Mama, you (Laughter) I gotta tell ya, back when the pastor selection committee was interviewing you for the pulpit, we had no idea that you were trained to snap a man's neck with your bare hands.
I mean, how do they walk in those things? They're like ice picks.
Amanda was wearing a wedge.
If I hadn't begged her to come, she wouldn't be Señor! Mire! Oh, man, that's gotta be them.
(Man) Gracias, señoras, for helping.
Thanks to you, Debby Horowitz has been identified and will soon be in custody.
I am just glad that my obsession with detail and photographic memory could help you in your investigation.
Actually, it was my identification of the honeycrisp apple that Debby was eating which enabled the authorities to track her to the only organic market in Unincorporated Juarez.
Well, I have so much more money than you.
She may not for long.
I've got good news.
Uh Honey, I sold the company.
(Whispers) Zack.
(Normal voice) You sold Losin' It With Jesus? How could you do that? It's my company.
Exactly, and it still is.
You retain control.
You are the face of the company.
They can't make a move without consulting you.
- You still run it, honey.
- Zack, I don't like it.
Something doesn't feel right.
There's always a catch.
Sharon, this gives us capital, which will let your business ventures explode.
First thing we do when we get back is set up a meeting with the honchos at the Healthy Bod Corp and let them know who they're messing with.
What about the Healthy Bod Corp? Thanks to Zack, they own me now.
Well I own the Healthy Bod Corp.
(Both) What? Or rather, one of my subsidiaries, the Fat-Fit-Fat group, owns it.
I instructed them to buy up only the best wellness companies.
Congratulations, Sharon.
(Chuckles nervously) You're a good investment.
(Blake) Crick! Oh! Baby.
Baby.
(Chuckles) Ohh.
I have never been so happy to see you in my life.
(Laughs) Oh, me, too.
I just want to go home and be with you and forget the world.
Ohh! Ohh! From now on, it is just you and me.
(Inhales deeply) Solid.
Forever.
Yeah.
(Chuckles) Just you and me.
Blake? What's wrong? It's nothin'.
It's nothin'.
Not now.
No.
I almost just died in the desert.
From now on, everything is now.
It's, um It's Mason Massey.
I I saw it in your eyes.
You you care about him, don't you? Yeah.
All your trainers and tennis pros, Tae Kwon Do instructors you never cared about them.
That's why he's different.
That scares you.
Blake, I wasn't totally honest with you.
You're right.
I was attracted to Mason.
He kissed me.
I liked it, but I am shuttin' him down.
Hey, it is just you and me.
We never have to deal with him again.
Yeah, we do.
He knows.
"He knows"? He knows No.
No.
No.
(Sighs) (Whispers) No.
If what you say is true, God doesn't give us things we can't handle, and I want you to know that I forgive you both in advance if this is a result of an alcoholic delusion or early senility.
Hola.
May I help you? Whoa.
Um, yes.
Is Ripp Cockburn here? Si.
- Dios mio.
(Whispers) - It's okay.
Carlene, what are you doing here? (Gasps) What are you doing here, Ripp? Kitten, the Lord has really been testing me.
Testing you? Why is she so tall? - You know the last thing I want to do is to hurt you.
(Shaky voice) - Huh? I wasn't even sure about Lucia until a couple weeks ago.
I've been wantin' to tell you.
It's all just happened so fast.
(High-pitched voice) Mnh-mnh.
Kitten, this is certainly not the way I wanted to spring it on you, but you deserve to know the truth, and, well (Gasps) Lucia is my daughter.
Daughter? How old are you? Just move.
Just shut the front door.
- Kitten.
- Shut it! I need some answers.
I need to give you some.
I need a drink! Taxi! I want some tequila and a ticket.
(Engine starts) Guys like Ripp get blackmailed all time, so I did the legwork, and when it looked like Lucia might be the real deal, he wanted to be able to come and go without upsetting Carlene till he knew the truth.
So that's why you lied to me? Hey.
I am so sorry.
(Sighs) Amanda I love you.
I'm not over my trust issues with men.
I thought I was, and I realize now why you did what you did, but it really bothers me that you did it so effortlessly, so I don't know.
Where does that leave us? We'll see.
(Sighs) May I? Hey.
Belly up.
I got a joke for you.
A good person, a Christian, and a bitch walk into a bar.
The joke is they're all the same person me! (Chuckles) Needs some work.
That's that's not funny.
(Laughs) I'm sorry you've been through such pain.
God certainly has been testing me, all right.
Everything happens for a reason, and that's my last cliche, I promise.
Mm.
(Sips) Ooh.
Straight vodka.
Fun fact I fell off the wagon today.
(Clatters) Yeah.
Amanda, this is major.
But the good news is God's not the only one who tests me.
I test myself, too.
That tequila in the desert scared me to death.
I ordered the drink to see what would happen.
Nada.
Haven't touched it.
I'm gonna be okay.
(Laughing) I mean (Sighs) I'm still a hot mess in most other categories.
(Chuckles) Well, uh, uh, two ginger ales, please.
(Glass clatters) (Man) Si, señor.
Ugh.
Okay.
Enough about me.
You.
I don't know anything about you.
I just know that you're a good preacher and a really good boss (Chuckles) and I was lost in a desert and you found me.
There's not much more to know.
(Glasses clatter) Why did you become a pastor? Well, um, after a very imperfect youth, I didn't have a clue what to do with my life, so I joined the military uh, search and rescue, Fallujah.
Two tours.
I loved rescuing people.
Uh, when I got out, ministry seemed like the next best thing.
(Chuckles) A lot less dangerous.
Well, there's always risk in anything.
In all the missions, I never worried about the danger.
I just pulled the cord and trusted that God would guide me.
I lived for that moment when I could look into someone's eyes and see them realize I've come to save them.
(Inhales deeply) Oh, dear God.