Good Vibes (2011) s01e10 Episode Script
Virgin Hangover
[phone ringing.]
It's jeena, bro.
Don't answer it.
Uh Mondo? Mondo, where's wadska? We have to get our family photo taken In less than an hour.
YeahThat's not going to happen.
[donkey braying.]
Does that zebra got a black eye? Balls.
[pop rock music.]
[school bell ringing.]
[grunts.]
As you were.
Carry on.
Dude, what's with the match? There's plenty of light in here.
But it's stinky.
This, gentlemen, is a map to one of the great treasures Of our mysterious coastline Rancho nudero.
It's a legendary nude beach on the outskirts of town, A moist, glistening cove Between the shapely legs of the pacific ocean.
Very nautical, very sexual.
I know, right? I suggest we cut last period In order to make it in time for the nudening dusk, A magic hour just before sunset When the golden rosy light turns every woman Into a glowing goddess.
[plopping sound.]
Ugh, man! Have you been taking a crap this whole time? Not the whole time.
[disgusted groaning.]
Now why doesn't this surprise me? Without being busted.
Let's just play it cool, keep it low-pro.
[whistling.]
sneaky, sneaky whistling.
Are you guys ditching class? Uh 'cause I am.
Where are you guys headed? [warning sound.]
Nowhere, to do nothing.
Same old same old, and on and on and on.
You know, it's kind of like the war on terror or something.
Um, mondo, can I talk with you for a moment in private? Look, whatever you guys are up to, it's cool with me.
I just need a favor.
We're getting our family portraits Taken tonight, and I need to get my hair done.
I know that's lame, but I was hoping you could-- Uh, help you get through ads in fashion magazines And find just the right look? [sighs happily.]
I figured this day was coming, And I've already done some of the legwork.
A leighton meester would look smoking on you.
Maybe I'll take a rain check on that.
Look, I just need to get wadska To the photographer's by 8:00.
No problem.
I'll have him there with a smile on his face.
Good luck with that.
He never smiles in pictures.
I'd just be happy if he didn't ruin it.
Just once, it'd be nice to have a happy family portrait.
You were so cute, jeena.
Oh, really? Even with braces and my little mosquito bites? Especially with your mosquito bites.
Oh, please.
I will never smile for the man.
Never! Even if the man is waving a beautiful teddy bear From behind the camera and bribing me With peanut butter cups! Bro, chill out.
Remember the nudening dusk.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
And make sure he takes all his meds.
[engine revving.]
Well, hey, if it ain't the three muskekweers.
What's up, fartanyan? And uh Uh Ah, screw it, you're all fartanyans.
[laughs.]
I'm counting on you, mondo.
Tally-ho, turd burglars! [laughing and cheering.]
The training wheels are off! Balls! Time to get my acting career back on track.
[gulps, ankle bracelet beeping.]
[sighs.]
Woodie, I promised jeena I'd make sure wadska took all those pills.
Aw, don't worry, bro.
What's the worst that could happen? Side effects of withdrawal may include melancholy, colic, Melan-colic, blackouts, black-ins, renal failure, Testicular success, particle acceleration, Overactive gaydar, general nihilism, Making weird lists, backseat driving-- Oh, turn here.
[tires s s s s s s s s.]
We should be close.
Mm, says we're looking for hook-up hollow.
Look, it's box wine stump! And there's panty drop rock.
And the copulating oak.
This way.
Let's go! Oh, the california beach peach .
I suggest we carb up for the long day ahead.
Hell of a handshake, kid.
Welcome to ranch nudero! [beachy ska music.]
Not cool.
Not sexual.
I know, right? [zipper lowering.]
[gasps.]
Horseshoes.
Watch this hustle.
Oh, what's this game? Maybe we should play for money.
I know you've got pension checks.
Oh, you boys remind me of a young jack and bobby kennedy.
[chuckles.]
You wouldn't believe how different Two brothers' penises could look.
Anyhoo, you should go play With my granddaughter and her friends over there.
[distant club music.]
Hear that? That's the sound of girls making bad decisions.
Let's go! ButI've got to get wadska.
[horseshoe clanking.]
When I was your age-- what are you? 40, 45? I was dodging the draft so the army wouldn't ship me off To the moon to fight the beatles.
[laughing.]
oh, please.
We never landed on the moon.
That bastard armstrong planted old glory on cornelius-88.
Ringer! Pay up, charles.
I've had my eye on that cane all day.
[ice rattle.]
you hear that, myrtle? That's the sound of your tip disappearing.
Looks like we got here just in time.
No, no, no! [indistinct chatter, thumping music.]
This party's better.
Wait for it.
The dusk has nudened.
[angelic chorus.]
[soft moaning, giggling.]
Now, wadska, I'm responsible for you, So I want you to stay close to me at all times.
Do not lose your cool.
Hey, guys! I'm so horny.
Oh, my god, she's hungry! I think she said, "horny.
" Are you sure? I distinctly heard, "hungry.
" [grunting.]
Ladies.
Hi.
I'm sigourney.
Both: Ohh.
I'm debbie, and I'm so horny.
[high-pitched.]
both: Ohhh.
I heard "sigourney.
" Hey, mrs.
Brando.
Thanks for coming to help me pick out a hairstyle.
You always look so hot.
Oh, thanks.
You know, while I was waiting, I found the perfect style.
You know, we'll tease it up, do a little french fluff, And stick a big pouf on it.
Ugh! What? Just messing.
Jersey's not all whores and steroids.
[laughter.]
Come on, let me introduce you to my girl.
Oh, your teacher ms.
Teets is here.
Damn it, I look like a peanut butter sandwich.
[sniffs.]
And I smell like roasted chicken.
Can I get a peanut butter and roasted chicken sandwich? [cheering.]
[sneezing.]
Sorry, that's never happened before.
[eerie tribal music.]
Are you my wolf guide from the spirit world? Nah, man, I'm your beer guide from modesto, whoo-hoo! [slurping.]
Ahh.
My papa lost his driver's license, So I use driving him out here as an excuse To party my tits off.
Mm.
[pants fabric stretching.]
Oh, sorry.
Sometimes naked women have this effect on me.
Please don't think I'm a monster.
Oh, it's a totally natural response, Especially when you're sipping on stuff this pure.
Mm, what flavor is this again? Trippin' balls flavor, baby.
[trance-like drumming music.]
ooh.
Now the only thing not natural Is that you have to hide your feelings Under all those uptight civilian clothes.
You've got to let your freak-chub fly.
Take those cotton shackles off And we'll rub each other's souls out.
[clothes ripping.]
The training wheels are off! So I started surfing when I was about six.
Took some lessons, entered a few tournaments.
[giggling.]
I love your stories.
Let's kiss.
Whee! The most wonderful thing about mondos is I'm the only one.
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Woodie, the colors are talking to me.
I can see them in my ears.
What was in that drink, bro? Same thing that's in this one, I guess.
[chuckles.]
mm.
Get your dong out, bro! [grunts.]
Do not make me look bad in front of these goddesses.
Dude, you're taking off my underwear.
You're making yourself look bad enough.
What are you doing? Now we can't get dressed! That's the whole point, wood.
We're never getting dressed ever again! [cheering.]
Lose again! Ha-ha! Just not your day, fake-ahontas.
[cell phone camera clicks.]
Mondo, you've got to get it together.
Everyone is looking at you.
Of course they're looking at me.
I'm perfect in every way! [donkey braying.]
it's the cops! Where do you think you're going, rookie? You don't go into a synagogue without a yarmulke, do you? Do you, boy? Nice ass.
Donkey's not so bad either.
[drunken laughter turns into coughing.]
Son, nudity ain't for everyone.
Why don't you put these groceries back in the cupboard? You better put your groceries in my cupboard.
Nobody can tell me where to be naked.
I'll be naked wherever I want.
Here, here, every-damn-where.
Nudity? We're just here because your bonfire was out of control.
[laughs.]
you can't control this mess! What makes you think you can succeed where denim has failed? They'll never clothe us alive! Never! [cheering.]
[conch trumpeting.]
Hey, coppers! Born naked, die naked! [rock music.]
[shouting.]
[sighs happily.]
[donkey sniffs.]
[chomping sound.]
[shrieks.]
That's not a carrot.
Don't you know who you're messing with? Wah! [deep voice.]
I am fartanyan.
[howling.]
Side effects of withdrawal may include renal failure, Testicular success, overactive gaydar.
[shrieks.]
overactive gaydar! [electronic beeping.]
Boop, boop, boop, boop.
[screaming.]
I'm so confused! Bro, wadska's gone a.
W.
O.
L.
All for one, one for all.
Tally-ho, turd burglars.
[maniacal laughter.]
I'm going off the grid.
Yeah, that's not going to happen.
We're going to be about five-- [gunshot.]
maybe ten minutes late.
What are you boys in for? Donkey-punching.
On a school night? You boys are buck wild.
Jeena's freaking out.
Where's wadska? We're never going to get him to the photographer by 8:00.
He was acting mad crazy when he took off, bro, Even for wadska.
Without those pills, he's out there Ticking like a pipe bomb full of ninja knives, And it's our fault, man.
My fault? If you hadn't turned into the nerd of the flies, Everything would have been fine.
Hey, you're looking for a squirrelly white nerdy kid, Right, about this tall? You've seen wadska? My boy dubska? Hell yeah.
Hey, help me get out of here, I'll take you to him.
Um, officer, can I get a refill? [screams.]
God, that coffee is so cold! I hate cold coffee.
[phone rings.]
[sighs.]
okay, I'm officially worried.
I hope it wasn't a mistake to trust mondo with my brother.
Don't trust any man.
I've heard it all.
"I'll love you forever," "that red light's not a camera," "this isn't part of a sexual scavenger hunt," And "you can't get pregnant on a roller coaster.
" Eh, I've heard that one too.
But you can trust mondo, honey.
I'm sure everything will be perfectly fine.
[panting.]
All right, t.
I.
, we got you out.
Now where's wadska? Who-ska? [laughs.]
oh, man, I made that skype up.
I just described every white kid I ever seen.
You want to find a squirrely white kid, Why don't you stake out A mother[bleep.]
in' chester cheese's? [laughs.]
sucker little white kids.
That guy was not helpful.
[sighs.]
come on.
We got to find wadska.
[car horn honks.]
both: 'sup, mcnubbins? We should probably get some clothes.
[muzak playing.]
Beat it, we were here first.
Where the hell can we get clothes right now With no cash, no skills, And no high school diploma? Clothes? Hell, I'll even give you both guns.
Let's get you maggots signed up.
Now I wouldn't be doing my job If I didn't bring up the fact that Well, you boys are both naked and handcuffed.
You got a little trouble with the law? Uh Over or under manslaughter? Um, under? [sighs.]
aw, hell.
We'll take you anyway.
[gunshots.]
Now you boys just show back up here tomorrow And we'll start turning you into men.
Or at least into boys that aren't afraid to die.
Wait, both your names are dirk kirk turkpatrick? MmYeah.
But everybody calls us turk.
Maybe I should just call one more time.
Enough with that already.
Here, you look fantastic, honey.
Thanks, they do a mean neck shave here.
Huh? Nah.
Arrested, escaped from jail, Running through the streets with guns.
Wadska would have loved this.
Yeah, he would have killed somebody by now.
Man, all this time I've been worried about myself And what jeena's going to say, But what if something really happened to him? What--what if he's hurt or dead? [wolf howling.]
[drumming.]
there's something very familiar About that hat.
Hey, I heard the pigs at nasa never went to the moon.
Heh, they landed on cornelius-88.
Cornelius-88! That's the planet wadska made up.
Hey, buddy, where did you get that hat? Start talking, los lobos.
Hey, guys.
Why did-- why did everybody stop drumming? Yeah, we're not looking for trouble, mr.
Hippie, sir.
I'd have an easier time believing that If you weren't carrying pistols.
What, these? Here, take them.
See, we're just looking for our friend.
We thought you might have seen him.
We hate cops' friends even more than we hate cops.
What? Hey, we're not cops.
Oh, yeah? Hit this if you're not a cop.
Dude, we're not even dressed like cops.
These are army clothes.
Then smoke this if you're not an army.
[phone rings.]
Fine, whatever.
Spark it up, mcconaughey.
[exhales.]
Woodie, did you hear that? At least now we know he's alive.
Dude, you didn't actually inhale that, did you? [exhaling, coughing.]
Wait, which one's "inhale" again? Woodie, snap out of it! I need you, man! We've got to find wadska And get him to that photo shoot.
All right, burrito.
I'm with you.
Is that wadska's lucky horseshoe? Nah, that's just regular bum stuff.
[conch shell trumpeting.]
Check it out.
An anatomically exaggerated replica! We must be close.
I think we're headed in the right direction.
Wadska's shirt! Hey, where'd you get that shirt? Traded a little weird kid for it.
Traded him for what, man? Flare gun.
[flare gun explodes.]
Wadska! Ah, my gentle mates.
I see you received my invitation flare.
Dude, why in the hell are you shooting off flares? Why didn't you call us? What do you mean? I've been calling, texting, And picture-mailing you all night.
You never answered.
Oh, besides, cell phones are so last week.
Flares are where it's at now.
Pizza.
[gunshot.]
Sir, will you stop ordering pizzas like that? There's a line.
Guys, you wouldn't believe the night I had.
It has been spectacular.
You have to meet my beloved wanda.
We found him cringing Like a magnificent unmedicated beast, Clutching a flare gun, in our recycling bin.
He couldn't remember where he'd been or how he'd gotten here.
But luckily, he and I are on the same cocktail Of nine different meds.
So we had his beautiful mind online in no time.
Oh, and these gals are her sisters, keesha and platinum.
I've been telling them all about you.
Chester cheese's is the best place For ladies like us to find some caucasian strange.
Come on in, guys, we are going to party down.
There's no time.
[light pop music.]
Flare me, white prince.
My first kiss, my first kiss, my first kiss.
Dude, where's my car? Crap, it's back at rancho nudero.
We don't have time for this.
[car horn beeps.]
White boys! What the hell y'all up to? Just hanging out on the side of the road being white? [laughs.]
I'm just messing with you.
Oh, where'd you get this fancy car, dude? Traded this bunch of drum-murdering hippie kids Some weed for a couple of guns.
And you traded the guns for the car? Yeah, basically.
[thumping from the trunk.]
So long, gay boys.
You little dudes need a ride or something? I'd take a ride from a serial killer right now.
[sirens wailing.]
Don't worry, fartanyan, I ain't that kind of crazy.
Wait.
How many people you gots to kill to be a serial killer again? [tires squeal.]
You can really haul ass now that they repaved This stretch of sidewalk here.
There's the portrait studio up ahead! Hey, y'all boys mind if I kind of don't pull over? I'm in a bit of a hurry here.
Um, can you get it under 30 at least? I ain't making no promises.
[grunting.]
[clock tolling.]
I can just take a few pictures of you guys, if you want.
No, it wouldn't be the same without my little brother.
[grunting.]
NeverLeave a manBehind.
[camera flashes.]
I just wanted to thank you again, mondo, For coming through.
Told you.
I hope you don't mind that I don't have braces anymore, Or that my mosquito bites got a little bigger.
It's jeena, bro.
Don't answer it.
Uh Mondo? Mondo, where's wadska? We have to get our family photo taken In less than an hour.
YeahThat's not going to happen.
[donkey braying.]
Does that zebra got a black eye? Balls.
[pop rock music.]
[school bell ringing.]
[grunts.]
As you were.
Carry on.
Dude, what's with the match? There's plenty of light in here.
But it's stinky.
This, gentlemen, is a map to one of the great treasures Of our mysterious coastline Rancho nudero.
It's a legendary nude beach on the outskirts of town, A moist, glistening cove Between the shapely legs of the pacific ocean.
Very nautical, very sexual.
I know, right? I suggest we cut last period In order to make it in time for the nudening dusk, A magic hour just before sunset When the golden rosy light turns every woman Into a glowing goddess.
[plopping sound.]
Ugh, man! Have you been taking a crap this whole time? Not the whole time.
[disgusted groaning.]
Now why doesn't this surprise me? Without being busted.
Let's just play it cool, keep it low-pro.
[whistling.]
sneaky, sneaky whistling.
Are you guys ditching class? Uh 'cause I am.
Where are you guys headed? [warning sound.]
Nowhere, to do nothing.
Same old same old, and on and on and on.
You know, it's kind of like the war on terror or something.
Um, mondo, can I talk with you for a moment in private? Look, whatever you guys are up to, it's cool with me.
I just need a favor.
We're getting our family portraits Taken tonight, and I need to get my hair done.
I know that's lame, but I was hoping you could-- Uh, help you get through ads in fashion magazines And find just the right look? [sighs happily.]
I figured this day was coming, And I've already done some of the legwork.
A leighton meester would look smoking on you.
Maybe I'll take a rain check on that.
Look, I just need to get wadska To the photographer's by 8:00.
No problem.
I'll have him there with a smile on his face.
Good luck with that.
He never smiles in pictures.
I'd just be happy if he didn't ruin it.
Just once, it'd be nice to have a happy family portrait.
You were so cute, jeena.
Oh, really? Even with braces and my little mosquito bites? Especially with your mosquito bites.
Oh, please.
I will never smile for the man.
Never! Even if the man is waving a beautiful teddy bear From behind the camera and bribing me With peanut butter cups! Bro, chill out.
Remember the nudening dusk.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
And make sure he takes all his meds.
[engine revving.]
Well, hey, if it ain't the three muskekweers.
What's up, fartanyan? And uh Uh Ah, screw it, you're all fartanyans.
[laughs.]
I'm counting on you, mondo.
Tally-ho, turd burglars! [laughing and cheering.]
The training wheels are off! Balls! Time to get my acting career back on track.
[gulps, ankle bracelet beeping.]
[sighs.]
Woodie, I promised jeena I'd make sure wadska took all those pills.
Aw, don't worry, bro.
What's the worst that could happen? Side effects of withdrawal may include melancholy, colic, Melan-colic, blackouts, black-ins, renal failure, Testicular success, particle acceleration, Overactive gaydar, general nihilism, Making weird lists, backseat driving-- Oh, turn here.
[tires s s s s s s s s.]
We should be close.
Mm, says we're looking for hook-up hollow.
Look, it's box wine stump! And there's panty drop rock.
And the copulating oak.
This way.
Let's go! Oh, the california beach peach .
I suggest we carb up for the long day ahead.
Hell of a handshake, kid.
Welcome to ranch nudero! [beachy ska music.]
Not cool.
Not sexual.
I know, right? [zipper lowering.]
[gasps.]
Horseshoes.
Watch this hustle.
Oh, what's this game? Maybe we should play for money.
I know you've got pension checks.
Oh, you boys remind me of a young jack and bobby kennedy.
[chuckles.]
You wouldn't believe how different Two brothers' penises could look.
Anyhoo, you should go play With my granddaughter and her friends over there.
[distant club music.]
Hear that? That's the sound of girls making bad decisions.
Let's go! ButI've got to get wadska.
[horseshoe clanking.]
When I was your age-- what are you? 40, 45? I was dodging the draft so the army wouldn't ship me off To the moon to fight the beatles.
[laughing.]
oh, please.
We never landed on the moon.
That bastard armstrong planted old glory on cornelius-88.
Ringer! Pay up, charles.
I've had my eye on that cane all day.
[ice rattle.]
you hear that, myrtle? That's the sound of your tip disappearing.
Looks like we got here just in time.
No, no, no! [indistinct chatter, thumping music.]
This party's better.
Wait for it.
The dusk has nudened.
[angelic chorus.]
[soft moaning, giggling.]
Now, wadska, I'm responsible for you, So I want you to stay close to me at all times.
Do not lose your cool.
Hey, guys! I'm so horny.
Oh, my god, she's hungry! I think she said, "horny.
" Are you sure? I distinctly heard, "hungry.
" [grunting.]
Ladies.
Hi.
I'm sigourney.
Both: Ohh.
I'm debbie, and I'm so horny.
[high-pitched.]
both: Ohhh.
I heard "sigourney.
" Hey, mrs.
Brando.
Thanks for coming to help me pick out a hairstyle.
You always look so hot.
Oh, thanks.
You know, while I was waiting, I found the perfect style.
You know, we'll tease it up, do a little french fluff, And stick a big pouf on it.
Ugh! What? Just messing.
Jersey's not all whores and steroids.
[laughter.]
Come on, let me introduce you to my girl.
Oh, your teacher ms.
Teets is here.
Damn it, I look like a peanut butter sandwich.
[sniffs.]
And I smell like roasted chicken.
Can I get a peanut butter and roasted chicken sandwich? [cheering.]
[sneezing.]
Sorry, that's never happened before.
[eerie tribal music.]
Are you my wolf guide from the spirit world? Nah, man, I'm your beer guide from modesto, whoo-hoo! [slurping.]
Ahh.
My papa lost his driver's license, So I use driving him out here as an excuse To party my tits off.
Mm.
[pants fabric stretching.]
Oh, sorry.
Sometimes naked women have this effect on me.
Please don't think I'm a monster.
Oh, it's a totally natural response, Especially when you're sipping on stuff this pure.
Mm, what flavor is this again? Trippin' balls flavor, baby.
[trance-like drumming music.]
ooh.
Now the only thing not natural Is that you have to hide your feelings Under all those uptight civilian clothes.
You've got to let your freak-chub fly.
Take those cotton shackles off And we'll rub each other's souls out.
[clothes ripping.]
The training wheels are off! So I started surfing when I was about six.
Took some lessons, entered a few tournaments.
[giggling.]
I love your stories.
Let's kiss.
Whee! The most wonderful thing about mondos is I'm the only one.
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Woodie, the colors are talking to me.
I can see them in my ears.
What was in that drink, bro? Same thing that's in this one, I guess.
[chuckles.]
mm.
Get your dong out, bro! [grunts.]
Do not make me look bad in front of these goddesses.
Dude, you're taking off my underwear.
You're making yourself look bad enough.
What are you doing? Now we can't get dressed! That's the whole point, wood.
We're never getting dressed ever again! [cheering.]
Lose again! Ha-ha! Just not your day, fake-ahontas.
[cell phone camera clicks.]
Mondo, you've got to get it together.
Everyone is looking at you.
Of course they're looking at me.
I'm perfect in every way! [donkey braying.]
it's the cops! Where do you think you're going, rookie? You don't go into a synagogue without a yarmulke, do you? Do you, boy? Nice ass.
Donkey's not so bad either.
[drunken laughter turns into coughing.]
Son, nudity ain't for everyone.
Why don't you put these groceries back in the cupboard? You better put your groceries in my cupboard.
Nobody can tell me where to be naked.
I'll be naked wherever I want.
Here, here, every-damn-where.
Nudity? We're just here because your bonfire was out of control.
[laughs.]
you can't control this mess! What makes you think you can succeed where denim has failed? They'll never clothe us alive! Never! [cheering.]
[conch trumpeting.]
Hey, coppers! Born naked, die naked! [rock music.]
[shouting.]
[sighs happily.]
[donkey sniffs.]
[chomping sound.]
[shrieks.]
That's not a carrot.
Don't you know who you're messing with? Wah! [deep voice.]
I am fartanyan.
[howling.]
Side effects of withdrawal may include renal failure, Testicular success, overactive gaydar.
[shrieks.]
overactive gaydar! [electronic beeping.]
Boop, boop, boop, boop.
[screaming.]
I'm so confused! Bro, wadska's gone a.
W.
O.
L.
All for one, one for all.
Tally-ho, turd burglars.
[maniacal laughter.]
I'm going off the grid.
Yeah, that's not going to happen.
We're going to be about five-- [gunshot.]
maybe ten minutes late.
What are you boys in for? Donkey-punching.
On a school night? You boys are buck wild.
Jeena's freaking out.
Where's wadska? We're never going to get him to the photographer by 8:00.
He was acting mad crazy when he took off, bro, Even for wadska.
Without those pills, he's out there Ticking like a pipe bomb full of ninja knives, And it's our fault, man.
My fault? If you hadn't turned into the nerd of the flies, Everything would have been fine.
Hey, you're looking for a squirrelly white nerdy kid, Right, about this tall? You've seen wadska? My boy dubska? Hell yeah.
Hey, help me get out of here, I'll take you to him.
Um, officer, can I get a refill? [screams.]
God, that coffee is so cold! I hate cold coffee.
[phone rings.]
[sighs.]
okay, I'm officially worried.
I hope it wasn't a mistake to trust mondo with my brother.
Don't trust any man.
I've heard it all.
"I'll love you forever," "that red light's not a camera," "this isn't part of a sexual scavenger hunt," And "you can't get pregnant on a roller coaster.
" Eh, I've heard that one too.
But you can trust mondo, honey.
I'm sure everything will be perfectly fine.
[panting.]
All right, t.
I.
, we got you out.
Now where's wadska? Who-ska? [laughs.]
oh, man, I made that skype up.
I just described every white kid I ever seen.
You want to find a squirrely white kid, Why don't you stake out A mother[bleep.]
in' chester cheese's? [laughs.]
sucker little white kids.
That guy was not helpful.
[sighs.]
come on.
We got to find wadska.
[car horn honks.]
both: 'sup, mcnubbins? We should probably get some clothes.
[muzak playing.]
Beat it, we were here first.
Where the hell can we get clothes right now With no cash, no skills, And no high school diploma? Clothes? Hell, I'll even give you both guns.
Let's get you maggots signed up.
Now I wouldn't be doing my job If I didn't bring up the fact that Well, you boys are both naked and handcuffed.
You got a little trouble with the law? Uh Over or under manslaughter? Um, under? [sighs.]
aw, hell.
We'll take you anyway.
[gunshots.]
Now you boys just show back up here tomorrow And we'll start turning you into men.
Or at least into boys that aren't afraid to die.
Wait, both your names are dirk kirk turkpatrick? MmYeah.
But everybody calls us turk.
Maybe I should just call one more time.
Enough with that already.
Here, you look fantastic, honey.
Thanks, they do a mean neck shave here.
Huh? Nah.
Arrested, escaped from jail, Running through the streets with guns.
Wadska would have loved this.
Yeah, he would have killed somebody by now.
Man, all this time I've been worried about myself And what jeena's going to say, But what if something really happened to him? What--what if he's hurt or dead? [wolf howling.]
[drumming.]
there's something very familiar About that hat.
Hey, I heard the pigs at nasa never went to the moon.
Heh, they landed on cornelius-88.
Cornelius-88! That's the planet wadska made up.
Hey, buddy, where did you get that hat? Start talking, los lobos.
Hey, guys.
Why did-- why did everybody stop drumming? Yeah, we're not looking for trouble, mr.
Hippie, sir.
I'd have an easier time believing that If you weren't carrying pistols.
What, these? Here, take them.
See, we're just looking for our friend.
We thought you might have seen him.
We hate cops' friends even more than we hate cops.
What? Hey, we're not cops.
Oh, yeah? Hit this if you're not a cop.
Dude, we're not even dressed like cops.
These are army clothes.
Then smoke this if you're not an army.
[phone rings.]
Fine, whatever.
Spark it up, mcconaughey.
[exhales.]
Woodie, did you hear that? At least now we know he's alive.
Dude, you didn't actually inhale that, did you? [exhaling, coughing.]
Wait, which one's "inhale" again? Woodie, snap out of it! I need you, man! We've got to find wadska And get him to that photo shoot.
All right, burrito.
I'm with you.
Is that wadska's lucky horseshoe? Nah, that's just regular bum stuff.
[conch shell trumpeting.]
Check it out.
An anatomically exaggerated replica! We must be close.
I think we're headed in the right direction.
Wadska's shirt! Hey, where'd you get that shirt? Traded a little weird kid for it.
Traded him for what, man? Flare gun.
[flare gun explodes.]
Wadska! Ah, my gentle mates.
I see you received my invitation flare.
Dude, why in the hell are you shooting off flares? Why didn't you call us? What do you mean? I've been calling, texting, And picture-mailing you all night.
You never answered.
Oh, besides, cell phones are so last week.
Flares are where it's at now.
Pizza.
[gunshot.]
Sir, will you stop ordering pizzas like that? There's a line.
Guys, you wouldn't believe the night I had.
It has been spectacular.
You have to meet my beloved wanda.
We found him cringing Like a magnificent unmedicated beast, Clutching a flare gun, in our recycling bin.
He couldn't remember where he'd been or how he'd gotten here.
But luckily, he and I are on the same cocktail Of nine different meds.
So we had his beautiful mind online in no time.
Oh, and these gals are her sisters, keesha and platinum.
I've been telling them all about you.
Chester cheese's is the best place For ladies like us to find some caucasian strange.
Come on in, guys, we are going to party down.
There's no time.
[light pop music.]
Flare me, white prince.
My first kiss, my first kiss, my first kiss.
Dude, where's my car? Crap, it's back at rancho nudero.
We don't have time for this.
[car horn beeps.]
White boys! What the hell y'all up to? Just hanging out on the side of the road being white? [laughs.]
I'm just messing with you.
Oh, where'd you get this fancy car, dude? Traded this bunch of drum-murdering hippie kids Some weed for a couple of guns.
And you traded the guns for the car? Yeah, basically.
[thumping from the trunk.]
So long, gay boys.
You little dudes need a ride or something? I'd take a ride from a serial killer right now.
[sirens wailing.]
Don't worry, fartanyan, I ain't that kind of crazy.
Wait.
How many people you gots to kill to be a serial killer again? [tires squeal.]
You can really haul ass now that they repaved This stretch of sidewalk here.
There's the portrait studio up ahead! Hey, y'all boys mind if I kind of don't pull over? I'm in a bit of a hurry here.
Um, can you get it under 30 at least? I ain't making no promises.
[grunting.]
[clock tolling.]
I can just take a few pictures of you guys, if you want.
No, it wouldn't be the same without my little brother.
[grunting.]
NeverLeave a manBehind.
[camera flashes.]
I just wanted to thank you again, mondo, For coming through.
Told you.
I hope you don't mind that I don't have braces anymore, Or that my mosquito bites got a little bigger.