Hacks (2021) s01e10 Episode Script

- Good morning, Las Vegas.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Can you hear me okay? - Yeah, it's very loud.
- Softer.
- Too loud.
Right.
Good.
Now, it is my pleasure to introduce to you the CEO and Chairman of the Palmetto Casino and Resort, the wickedly handsome Marty Ghilain.
Thank you, Madame Mayor.
I think I'll just project.
I remember the first time I saw Deborah Vance perform.
Hey.
What happened? I thought we were all gonna drive together.
I promised Deborah I'd stop being "Little Miss Seatbelt Bitch.
" Got me.
You two have been sharing a schedule for weeks now.
Well, she's being kinda weird.
Like she's avoiding me.
It might be about your signature scent.
- Did you switch it up recently? - What? Well, last summer, I thought that she was mad at me, but it turns out that she just hates Acqua di Gio, so Was one of the best decisions I ever made.
- Huh.
- She helped put Vegas residencies on the map, and now we're literally putting her on the map.
So even though tonight is her farewell show - Aww.
- She's not going anywhere.
Mayor? It is my honor and my duty - Oh, my God.
- Fuck.
To present to you all Las Vegas's newest street, Deborah Vance Drive.
You didn't have to come, you know.
I know you're mad at me, but I'll always be your biggest fan, Deb.
Switch with me.
Give them your good side.
C'mon.
Over here, Deb.
Over here.
There you go.
Guys, right here.
I've heard a couple of you out there complaining about this 115-degree heat.
I'll tell you what, I love it.
Kayla, it's red red! Kayla, you just ran a red.
I'm so annoyed.
I cannot believe I have to rush to Vegas last minute to clean up your mess.
I'm sorry.
I know.
When we get there, drop me off at Arrivals, not Departures.
- I cannot miss this flight.
- Drop you off? I'm on your flight, babe.
2A and 2B.
You prefer the middle.
Wait.
No, I don't prefer the middle.
And what do you I can't sit in the middle.
You're not coming on the trip.
What're you talking about? I told my dad that it was, like, my first business trip, and he was, like, so proud.
But I can cancel the ticket.
There's, like, no problem.
No, no, no.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
Just come.
Just come.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yay! I made us a Vegas playlist.
Oh, no.
That's my sex playlist.
I can't listen to that without thinkin' of the deed.
- Kayla, watch the road.
- The big D.
Eyes on the road.
Eyes on the road.
Can you get pulled over for having too much fun? - Yeah, I think so.
- Oop! Sorry, I almost I thought we were gonna crash.
Thanks for the ride.
Well, I wanted to talk to you about something.
Oh, my God.
You're not serving me again, are you? No, no.
Oh.
In the show tonight, I'm gonna be talking about you and your father and some other difficult things that I've never talked about on stage before.
- Okay.
- And, you know, it might not be the easiest to hear or to have out there, so that's why I'm telling you.
Awesome.
Thank you.
Got it.
No, I'm telling you because if you don't want me to do this show, I won't.
Right.
Yeah.
Kinda like how it was my choice to do that Weight Watchers ad with you? - Like that? - No.
I mean it.
I'm asking you, DJ.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate that.
You've always known the right thing to say.
I mean, on stage, anyway.
So I'm sure that if you think you should, then then you should.
Great.
Okay.
- Then I will.
- Okay.
Did I ever tell you I get recognized from that Weight Watchers ad all the time? - No.
- Yeah.
A woman in the airport stopped me and said that we inspired her.
- Oh.
- I know.
It was so sweet.
I almost didn't tell her we're just naturally thin.
God.
Thanks for getting lunch.
Well, that's not all I got you.
Bam! Oh, God.
Toe shoes.
- For our trip.
- Oh, they're horrible.
I love 'em.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
So how'd it go asking for time off? Easy.
Almost too easy.
Deborah's been so focused on this new show that everything I do takes a back seat.
I'm sorry.
I know you don't like when I just complain about her.
No, I don't mind that you talk to me about Deborah.
I just I feel like I'm not the only one you should be talking to.
- You should talk to her.
- Oh, no.
I've seen Deborah fire drivers for stopping at a yellow light.
I'm not about to go there.
Besides, I wouldn't even know what to say.
Okay, so let's practice.
Tell me what you'd tell Deborah.
Come on, you know I hate this therapy stuff.
It's not from therapy.
It's from mental health TikTok.
- That's even worse.
- Okay, come on.
Do it.
Okay.
Deborah, I have prioritized your life and business ahead of my own.
And now you're doing this whole new thing that I'm not a part of, and it doesn't feel like you even think about how it affects me.
I'm starting to feel like I'm putting my life on hold for someone who isn't fully considering me.
You're so cute.
That will not be her response.
- It might.
I mean - It won't.
I was entranced.
Mm.
Huh.
- Hey.
- Hey holy shit.
What're you doing? Why are you wearing lingerie? Um, it's not lingerie.
It's regular pajamas.
Okay, why are you wearing regular pajamas? So it looks more believable that we're on our honeymoon.
- What? - Oh, the hotel thinks we're on our honeymoon.
That's how I got us this amazing room.
Us? Oh, my God.
I thought you were just using my bathroom.
You need to get your own room and you need to do it now.
I guess I can ask the guy when room service comes.
We are not ordering room service.
What the fuck are you talking about? Uh, yeah, we are.
I ordered us champagne.
Why? To go with the chocolate-covered strawberries.
What are you not getting about this, dude? Wh-wh Kayla! Jesus! You are my employee.
You can't share a room with me, okay? You're gonna get me in trouble.
Uh, why? - What're you gonna do? - Nothing! - What're you gonna do? - Oh, I don't know.
Answer the phone.
Take messages.
Think of ideas for emails.
My job! Okay, first of all, it's not your job to think of ideas for my emails, okay? - You're a buzzkill.
- All right.
And second of all, you're gonna do that stuff now? You haven't been doing your job for six months.
Shh.
Settle down, horsey.
Sh, sh, sh.
Sh, sh, sh.
Why are you so mad? I did good.
I got us the honeymoon suite upgrade for free.
You're always telling me to watch expenses.
I've asked you to watch your expenses, like Sugarfish for breakfast.
In Fiji, they do eat that for breakfast.
I don't care what you eat for breakfast.
You can't charge $50 breakfasts to the company, but you can charge two separate rooms.
I'm your boss.
Okay, well, my dad owns half the agency, so it's not really your typical boss-employee dynamic.
Yeah, clearly.
What did you mean by that? - You getting a vibe? - No! - Are you trying to give a vibe? - No! God! No.
What did you say? No.
Pervert! Ugh! Great.
Trip ruined.
- Kayla.
Kayla.
- Awkward.
Kayla oh, God.
Kayla, are you upset? No, I'm going potty.
What're you doing, Mr.
Curious? I'm-I'm writing an email to HR.
- "Dear Barbara" - No, wait, not Barbara.
Yes, Barbara.
"Kayla did it again.
" Hey, Mom.
Wait, what? What's going on? Yeah, I'm sitting down.
Hey.
I'm really sorry, but I think I gotta miss tonight.
My-my dad had another stroke and I need to go home.
- You're leaving.
- I know.
I'm I'm really sorry.
Well, good luck.
Thanks? Look, I said I'm sorry, you know? I really wish I didn't have to go.
Okay.
Well, I got you this.
You can leave it there.
Break a leg.
Will do.
I'm sorry.
We're completely booked.
Everyone is 'cause of the fight.
All right, can we at least get a cot? Oof, with your back? I meant for you.
What? Kayla, can you figure this out, please? - I gotta handle something.
- On it.
Okay, cancel the cot.
Ava? - Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Sorry.
- What's going on? I'm actually in a rush to get to the airport.
Whoa, whoa, you haven't returned my calls, and I just got a text from Deborah.
She's not doing the new show anymore? Wait, what? Yeah, this is really bad, okay? I used all my connections to get people here.
Plus, I'm in the middle of a "MeToo" situation with Kayla, and I'm the me, Ava.
Why the fuck isn't she doing it? I was gonna ask you the same thing.
Hold on, Ava.
Can you at least tell me what's happening? No dice, dude.
Sorry.
What's wrong with you? You're backing out of the new show? Why do you even care? Because we worked really hard on it.
- Of course I care.
- Do you? I know you ran back to LA for a job interview.
And now, it sounds like you might have a follow-up? That's why you've been acting weird? Okay, yeah.
I did go.
But I didn't take the job.
And now you think I'm lying about my dad? Is that what you think of me? I don't really think about you.
Yeah, right, lady.
You do think about me.
And I think about you.
It's called a human relationship.
And sorry, but we have one.
Our relationship is that I sign your paychecks.
Paychecks? Oh, my God.
First of all, it's direct deposit.
And also, this is why I had to lie to you about leaving for that job interview.
Because your ego doesn't allow you to take in information like a normal human being.
No one's allowed to communicate honestly with you.
And if they do, you either shut them out or push them away or, I-I don't know, hit them with your car.
- Almost hit them with my car! - Not a great defense.
Fine.
Whatever.
I fucked up.
I'm really sorry.
But please, don't throw away everything we worked so hard on just because you're mad at me.
This isn't about you.
I just don't want to do it.
I know what works.
The old stuff works, so that's what I'm doing.
The stuff we've worked on is good.
And it's important that you do it! You don't get to tell me what's important! You're risking nothing here.
This is just a blip.
You can get on a plane tomorrow.
This is just gonna be a funny story about a job you once had.
This is my life! I don't need to do a whole show dwelling on the past! I move forward.
Always have.
End of discussion.
What a giant waste of time this all was.
Oh, I agree.
And my time is a lot more valuable than yours.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
What great opportunity did I keep you from? Does KFC want you to be the new Colonel Sanders? Oh, and that just wouldn't be cool, would it? God, I'm so sick of your pretentious bullshit.
What have you even done? What I've done has gotten all those people in those seats.
What you've done has gotten you booted out of LA, and now you're getting booted from here.
Get the hell out of my dressing room.
No.
You're just scared to do the hard thing, so you're jumping at the first possible chance to bail.
You're gonna do the same old tired shit you always do because I was right the day I met you.
You are a fucking hack.
Hello, my superstars.
Who's ready to be funny? Who slaps people? Well I quit, obviously.
Oh, we're gonna give you a minute.
Kayla, let's go.
I'll trade you a Xanny for a cigarette.
You got it.
It's Kayla.
Leave a message at the beep, babe.
Beep.
Kidding.
Hey, Kayla.
Can you send me the emails of those British writers? I know they're not gonna hire me, but I have some stories about Deborah they might want to use.
You're a lucky man.
You're a lucky man to have her.
Oh, no, no, no.
She's my assistant.
- Your sister? - My assistant.
He wishes I was his sister.
Messy.
Can you go get me a drink? Absolutely.
Love to.
Excuse me.
Uh, Deborah, can I talk to you for a second? Um, sure, of course.
Excuse us.
Okay, thank you.
I know this isn't the best time to do this, but I'm worried if I don't say it now, I'll never say it.
I realize that I've prioritized your business And I have completely taken that for granted.
And I'm sorry.
You were right.
You've been right the whole time, Marcus.
I was wrong to cancel meetings with you the last few weeks.
It's just been stupid and I want to take my business to the next level, and I want to do it with you.
That's what I want too, exactly.
Good.
Good.
And I want to make you CEO, effective immediately, with a 10% raise.
Okay.
Um - Great.
Thank you.
- No, please.
Please don't thank me.
You deserve this.
So did you decide on the shoes? Oh, the shoes, yes.
Marcus, help me here.
Do I wear the lower heel, which I know I can walk in, or do I go with the fabulous stilettos? - Aren't they gorgeous? - Beautiful.
I think the low heel.
The pain's not worth it.
Hmm.
Okay, thanks.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You look great.
- You too.
So I have some good news.
Deborah gave me a promotion, and I am now the CEO.
That's awesome.
But wait, I thought you were already CEO.
- I was COO.
- Oh, well, congrats.
- I'm glad you got your E.
- Thank you.
And based on what I know about capitalism, I think now you don't have to worry about paying taxes.
And I actually didn't even have to go into my whole spiel.
She just did it.
Wait, so you didn't actually talk to her? No, I didn't have to.
If this is about Zion, we can still go.
- We can still go? - Yeah.
We're going.
The plan is to go.
Yes, of course.
It's just, I have this new role, so I'm gonna have to do at least a little bit of work, just to stay on top of things for the next couple weeks.
The point of the trip is to not work.
If you want to go when I have less work, then we can go in the summer.
Look, I really like you, but But what? If you think I'm not ready for a relationship, - because I'm - No.
No, that's not it.
'Cause you're already in a relationship.
- With Deborah.
- No.
Let's go outside and then talk.
- Whatever you want, I am in.
- Hey.
- Deborah's about to do her toast.
- Shit.
Okay, I do have to go backstage.
But come with me, all right? We can have some champagne.
We can sit.
No.
I'm gonna go.
Wilson, I Thank you, every single one of you, so, so much for coming tonight.
And please, when you're out there, when in doubt, laugh.
And I beg you, don't let the standing ovation go longer than five minutes.
But not less than four, 'cause that's Celine's record.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go say my prayers, so I'll see you out there.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Whoo! Um, Deborah? Jimmy? I just wanted to say, when my father passed, you didn't need to stick with me, but you did.
Bitch, you got this, bitch! I believe in you, girlie.
Mmm.
- Get her out of here.
- Okay, let's go.
Break a leg.
- Thanks.
Ladies and gentlemen, for the very last time at the Palmetto Theatre, please welcome to the stage the one, the only, Deborah Vance! I love you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Las Vegas.
I love you! You're gonna make me cry.
You're gonna make me cry.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
It is wonderful to be at the Palmetto one last time.
Aww.
I know.
I know.
Wow.
I have been up here on this stage through so much over the years.
When the Berlin Wall came down, I was on this stage.
When people were hiding in their bomb shelters on Y2K, I was on this stage.
When Bernie Madoff got arrested, I was on the phone with my accountant crying hysterically.
And on every one of those nights, I told a lot of the same jokes.
But tonight, I'm not gonna tell you those same ones.
Instead I'm gonna tell you why I told those jokes.
- Hi, Mom.
- Oh.
I'm so sorry.
I can't believe I missed him.
Oh, honey.
Ugh, I'm sorry.
I can't hang up right now.
I've been on hold for 40 minutes.
Um, was your flight okay? - Yeah, it was fine.
- Hello? Hello? No, look, I just I can't.
I can't do this right now.
- Can you do this? - Yeah.
- Hello? - No one's there.
No one's there right now, but when they get on, tell them that you need to cancel the baseball channels for the account of Dennis Daniels.
And the reason for the cancellation is that he's deceased.
Mom, please, the baseball channel? Can it's so late.
Can we please do this tomorrow? Tomorrow we have to call the cousins.
Ugh.
Ava? Oh, good.
- You're awake so early.
- Yeah, I do that now.
I gotta be up before Kelly Ripa's day is done.
Um, when did you get a cat? You were here when we got Mr.
Cream Pie.
No, I wasn't.
First of all, I'm allergic to cats, and also, if I was here, I wouldn't have let you name him that.
- You named him.
I remember.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no, I didn't.
- I said, what do we think? And you didn't know is he male, female? I said he's male.
You said Mr.
Cream Pie.
Yeah, Ma, none of that happened.
- Yeah, literally none of it.
- Okay.
Anyway, look, I do you like this image that I I chose that for your father's prayer ca-card.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's nice.
"He is survived by his loving wife Nina and his daughter Ava Daniels of Las Vegas, Nevada"? Mom, I don't live in Las Vegas.
Well, last I heard, yes, you do, unless you moved again without telling me.
No, no.
I just went there for a job.
And it ended up really not working out.
- So I'm not going back.
- Oh, God.
- Mom, are you freaking out? - Yeah, a little.
'Cause it's just you know, you've chosen such an unstable career, and no mother wants to watch her child suffer.
And now we'll have to euthanize the cat.
- What? - Yes! We have to euthanize Mr.
Cream Pie because he's going to have to leave this room when you move in, and it is just wrong to take a cat back to the shelter, Ava.
It's just wrong.
No, I'm not moving back in.
Can we forget it.
Let's just focus on the arrangements, please.
- Please.
- All right.
For the service, you're reading Lamentations.
Oh.
Well, I wanted to read a eulogy.
I just started working on it.
A eulogy? Ava, please.
It's your father's funeral.
I don't need you saying anything crazy, like when you told your grandmother that you were pro-choice.
But I am pro-choice.
Yeah, but you don't need to say it.
Please, just stick to the reading.
Okay, I just I think it would be more personal to read something that I've written, not, like, just some stock Bible passage.
Okay, so now you're a better writer than God.
- I get it.
- Yeah, Mom.
Well, God didn't write Lamentations, and also, He doesn't exist.
Ah! Not now! Ava, I know that you think that everybody needs to hear from you, but it's just it's just it's your father's funeral.
Today has to be about your dad.
You know what? You're right.
You're right.
No one does want to hear from me or read what I've written or say it on stage, so I'm just gonna stop trying.
- I'll do whatever you want.
- Okay, great.
Do you want some coffee? I made some.
Anniversary blend? - Yeah, all right.
- Okay, great.
Thank you for coming.
Before we move to the mass at St.
Elizabeth's, we'd like to invite anyone who'd like to say a few words about Dennis to do so now.
Is there anyone that would like to stand up? Say a few words? Oh, God.
This is so awkward.
This is painful.
Excuse me.
This is not how you're supposed to do this.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
If-if you wouldn't mind.
Just um, yeah, see, you can't just ask people to come up impromptu and not warmed up.
Because it's just too hard to do cold, you know.
There's just too much pressure.
And these people are exhausted.
It's exhausting to lose a loved one.
And now everybody's uncomfortable because they think that no one has anything nice to say about this man.
And I know that you do.
Not because I knew him.
I didn't.
But I know his daughter.
And I know that he had to be a very special person to raise someone like her.
So let's try this again.
Uh, you, sir.
How did you know Dennis? - Uh, he was my cousin.
- Oh, I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
So what was the drunkest you ever saw him? Oh.
Wow.
Well, you know, when he had so many screwdrivers the night before my wedding, he went back to my room and threw up in my dress shoes.
He did.
My, God.
I'd forgotten about that.
He'd already have been dead at my house.
Well, I didn't know about it.
Because he felt so bad, he switched out his shoes for mine.
I only realized it when I got to the altar, and I looked down and he's wearing flip flops.
Oh, my God, it was a blizzard and he was just in his little Oh, my God.
Hey, excuse me, Miss, you.
Did Dennis ever get you into any kind of trouble? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, boy, here we go.
Oh, it involved an ice cream truck and a hot wire, and that's as far as I will go.
Oh, my God, Wendy.
Oh, I love you.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you.
I mean, it's Wendy, right? Hey, shoes off.
- Really? - No, I'm just kidding.
It smells like cat shit in here.
Uh, by the way, this? Positively extra-terrestrial.
Yeah, you were right about that.
I've had gigantic hands my entire life.
Yesterday, I went into the garage and I found a basketball, and yeah, I can absolutely palm it.
Sorry, I've been running around.
Oh.
- A lot of people to talk to.
- Mm-hmm.
Especially my Uncle Mitch, who really doesn't want me to do 23andMe, so now I'm pretty much convinced he's a serial killer.
Yeah, one in every family.
How're you doin'? Honestly? Weirdly fine.
Or, like, numb? I don't know.
I haven't even cried yet.
When does it, like, hit you? Never all at once.
It's just kind of a bunch of tiny ways.
You know, like, over and over, just well, that's how it was for me.
I've mostly just been busy making sure my mom's head doesn't fly fully off of her body.
- Mm.
- Thanks for making her laugh.
Sure.
Being back in this house is just making me remember that I always felt really, really lonely here.
I think that's why I started doing comedy in the first place.
Because it was just a way for me to feel connected to people who thought about things the way I did.
But now I'm just like, maybe I shouldn't shape my entire existence around a response to a shitty childhood.
That's not a very good reason to pursue a career.
I don't know if that's true.
I mean, what's a good reason to pursue any career? Your grandfather owned a cement truck, and your name's already on the side of it? Yeah, there's that.
I'm not sure.
But I gotta figure something else out.
'Cause I'm done.
Well, no.
You can't quit.
You're too good.
I'm sorry.
You know, crying gives you wrinkles.
You need to learn how to cry without moving your forehead at all.
It's like - That's how you cry? - Yeah, I trained myself.
I'm a pro.
You are.
Plus, you know, a little injection here and here doesn't hurt either.
Oh, shit.
The show.
How did it go? Well, I did the new material.
And? I bombed.
You're joking.
Well, a few things worked, but yeah, I mostly bombed.
Oh, no.
Did you come all the way here to bury me with my dad? No.
No, I I bombed.
And I loved it.
I haven't felt that way in years.
The show didn't work, but it will.
The pieces are there.
I just have to figure out how to put them together.
And the best way to do that is to work it out on the road.
So you're gonna go on tour again.
Yes.
With you.
I hope.
I mean, the show was your idea, after all.
And you, like, can't do it without me? Oh, I could absolutely do it without you.
But, you know, it would probably be, you know, a lot less fun.
Okay, but you really can't hit people.
I know.
I-I'm so sorry.
So are you ever gonna do that again? - No.
- And are you gonna switch to a health plan that covers dental? No.
Deal.
I'm kidding.
I'm joking.
Just doing some last minute approval of the "Best Of" compilation.
Ah.
You okay? Yeah, everything's great.
I'm CEO now.
Mm-hmm.
Do you have on toe shoes? Yeah.
They're ugly, honey.
Yeah, I know.
Hi.
I only have a second.
I'm on my way back to Vegas with Deborah.
Well, that's interesting, because you know those British writers that Kayla had you meet with? I just got a call from their agent about a very intense and revealing email you apparently sent about Deborah.
What the fuck did you do, Ava? - We're cleared for takeoff.
- Thank you.
Uh, Jimmy, I gotta call you back.
Yeah, you'd better.
Buckle up.
Here we go.