HarmonQuest (2016) s01e10 Episode Script
Earthscar Village
1 [gentle chime.]
Spencer: Last time on "HarmonQuest" Hey, little sword, what's your name? James Dean.
You're too late! - The mystical runestones - have the power To control and bind portals and to give life.
If we combine them together with a touch of blood magic, we can resurrect our dark lord! I am the Great Manticore.
Your world will end.
I will open the Demon Seal and unleash darkness upon this entire world, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
- Spencer: - It floats up into the air Towards Earthscar Village.
Fondue: Oh, we could have just stayed there.
Let's just take this moment to reflect on how bad we are at our jobs here.
- Spencer: Since the dawn - of the 1970s, Fantasy role-playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, - is summoning - celebrity friends To play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
- Thank you so much.
- You're correct.
This is "HarmonQuest.
" I'm Dan Harmon.
[cheers and applause.]
Uh, my regular, uh, role-playing friends, as always, Erin McGathy [cheers and applause.]
And the debonair Jeff Davis.
[cheers and applause.]
- Spencer Crittenden, - our Game Master.
[cheers and applause.]
- And our guest - role-players tonight, Our good dear friend from "The Superego Podcast," Matt Gourley.
[cheers and applause.]
Hello, Dan.
Hello.
- Hello, table.
- Hello.
Hello, everyone.
I'm happy to be here.
And also as part of our outreach program, keeping him off the streets, Nathan Fillion.
[cheers and applause.]
[mouths words.]
Matt, I know, I mean, - you have actually - played with us.
- Yeah, we've - shed blood together.
We've been through a lot.
- So we know you know - what you're doing.
Yeah, we'll see that I haven't lost it.
But, uh, Nathan, I don't really know anything about your experience with fantasy role-playing.
I played for five minutes in seventh grade with Chris Pelshe when the game ended in a duke-it-out battle between Chris Pelshe and his brother Roger, who was our Dungeon Master.
- Hmm.
- So five minutes' experience - In seventh grade.
- Oh, wow.
- Did they get - in an actual fight? - Yeah, a real fight? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, after a successful crushing of a gem in a monster's forehead, the explosion killed Chris's character, and then the dukes came out.
- Oh, man.
- He was unhappy with it.
That was either the worst or best Game Master in the history of the thing.
In case either of you guys are rusty, Spencer is the God.
- He tells us - what is happening.
- We tell him - what we want to do.
- He simulates - randomness with those dice, And he knows all the rules.
So without further ado, let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
We join them now in the ruins of the Heralds' secret hideout.
All the Heralds are dead, - but the Great Manticore - is back And headed with great haste to Earthscar Village.
- I mean, could - I mean, that guy used The three magic runestones, or the Arcane Runestones, - to do a bunch of stuff.
- Is it possible - I don't know - anything about magic.
- Could we try to combine - the runestones And do something groovy too? Ah, hell, let's do it.
Let's knock 'em together.
- Okay, let's all take - our runestones And hold 'em, like, towards each other.
Earth.
Duh Uh Music.
[laughter.]
Uh, wind.
I change mine to fire.
The runestones begin reacting with one another.
They fire off a white beam into the center of the room that opens a magic portal.
You can see the familiar hills and roofs of Earthscar Village.
All: Whoa! We just saved ourselves, like, 72 hours.
I assume that not knowing if we're allowed to separate these things, we should probably do an awkward collective shuffle through the portal.
Okay, keep 'em touching.
As you exit the portal, you trip over a large sack of potatoes right near your feet.
Ahh.
[groans.]
Who goes there? I I am a great warrior, - and I haven't seen - the likes of these - Since I plowed - the desert wetlands With the bones of the Crime Children.
[laughter.]
Let me gaze upon your looks.
You, you'll do fine.
You, good, beautiful.
You [gasps.]
What? What is this? My my boy.
[laughter.]
Son.
Dad? This must be crazy for you guys.
I have no Diplomacy.
Dad, you ran off.
Well, one may call it running away, but I was brought forth to fight in many adventures.
For instance, the Gogothian Heart Women were calling with their siren song and Name a few more battles that you were in.
Sure.
I was at the Moss Flea Market skirmishes as well as the Great Bandicoot Rundown of '22.
'22.
But to my point, son, it was the battles, the wars that called me away, in essence to keep you safe.
Never because I wanted to leave you behind.
You were always my apple in my eye.
- You say it was - to keep my safe, But growing up without a dad, I I gave a kobold a handjob.
I've been gone too long, - and I see some damage - has been done.
And now that you've happened upon my old bones, as adventuring as they may be, I'm here to make it up to you.
That's a general note.
- I don't have an actual, - specific thing.
Dad, Dad, up to you Up to you.
Say that again.
- Up to you.
- I'm here to make it up to you.
Up, the Manticore flew up.
Dad, the Manticore Manticore! [laughter and applause.]
I have tangled before with the tawny manticore.
You'll find they are not unreasonable when it comes to perishing.
I have a way.
- What is your name, - Mr.
Zoobag? - Chadge.
- Chadge? - Chadge.
- Chadge.
- I look for the Chief - to warn him To warn him that the Manticore is inbound.
- Looking around, - you see a figure wearing The Chief's regalia, but it is not the half-orc you knew as your Village Chief.
Instead it is a tall elf.
Uh, I don't know the difference and I bound up to who I think is the Chief.
Hello! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Rush ye not up to me countenance.
[laughter.]
Uh Methinks we have a fancier Chief.
I'm impressed by his charisma, and I back up, and then just slowly move towards him.
Is this Does this please you, this approach? Heck yeah.
And I prefer to pronounce it "char-isma.
" [laughter.]
Fine.
You seem different than the last time I met you.
Yea, I am different.
A totally different guy.
A new Chief.
A new Chief of this Village.
My name is Tetter Spice.
How did you find this town? The word was out.
I answered I answered an ad.
There must have been many other candidates - who threw their hat - in the ring.
- How do you think - you beat them out? I won't lie to you.
- I accosted one - on the road here And two more were killed by a troll.
That must have been hard.
- To watch? - Yeah.
Not so much.
What happened to the old Chief? - I'm not gonna - lie to you guys.
He wasn't right.
All right, he would - Strangers would come, - he'd send them off Into the woods on these fool's errands.
It was not cool.
- It was not cool.
- They wouldn't come back.
- Well, I got - some bad news for you.
What's that? - We went out - on one of those missions.
- We came back.
- Awkward.
- New Chief.
- Yeah? - The Manticore is coming.
- Whoa! - The Heralds of the Manticore, - they they They accomplished their goal.
There's a Manticore coming.
That's not good, guys.
That's not good.
- Because if the Manticore - is coming, - The Demon Seal - needs to be restored So it cannot be destroyed.
- Do you understand me? - Right.
- Good.
- Yes.
- And we're gonna need that - son of a bitch, Sandy Michael, The last Chief of this village because he's the only one who knows the old rituals and magic.
- No, no, no - Well, hold on.
Listen, here's the hard truth of it.
I owe Sandy Michael about six grand.
And I don't know how many Deloriathian Money Tiles you people carry around, - but I don't got - that shit on me.
So if you all want to pony up and help me out with this life debt, we can deal with that.
- Or I got to stay - in the shadows, But I think you're gonna need me, sons of bitches.
Could we maybe try to disguise you or I'm listening.
Uh, well, I got a crowbar and some wire.
I've got a quill and a vial of ink.
- We could draw - a mustache on you.
- Yeah.
- I like it.
- I have a rolled-up painting.
- We can cut out the face And I can do one of those state fair things.
I have a backpack.
And if we cut holes in it, three holes, - one for your head - and two for your arms, Well, it'll just look like a shirt.
I don't have to help.
- I don't have to help - with this part.
Hey, hey, those are good ideas.
Don't doubt yourself, son.
Put me in the backpack and Yoda the shit out of me.
Let's do this.
- I put - [laughs.]
I put my dad in the backpack.
Oh, that's so cute.
Am I able to do that? Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like a diaper.
Uh, we need Tetter Spice, - we need to go talk - to Sandy Michael, 'Cause he knows - the ritual.
Yeah, I don't know where that guy is though.
- He's not in town.
- Heck no.
I'm the new Chief around here, mister.
I use my Ring of Telepathy to figure out or divine if any of these people - if any of these people - might know Where we can find Sandy Carmichael.
Using your Ring of Telepathy, you can feel the thoughts of a jealous man, jealous of the new Chief.
I'm sensing someone jealous of you, Tetter.
Probably my hair.
That's right.
I get it, I get it.
- What do you use? - That's really nice hair.
Well, it's yak grease and a little something.
His Charisma's gotta be, like, 30s, 40s.
[stammering.]
No, just believe.
- Right, yeah, it's good.
- It's high.
It's way up there.
I don't think we have a dice that big.
Son, trot forth to this bush.
Let us find this one.
- Oh, that's right.
- You're on my back.
- Yes.
- Okay, I - I Yoda my dad - over to this bush.
You see a guy.
He's looking around the bush.
Hey.
- Oh.
- Wait.
You guys.
I thought you were all dead.
Listen, Old Chief, you know the ceremony that can reseal the Yeah, table talk, Spencer.
Yeah, protect the Demon Seal.
So we're trying to restore the Demon Seal? - That will hopefully - finish the job, right? - That's the hope.
- Old Chief, you gotta do it.
I mean, you can't feel bad about fucking up and then fuck up more.
- No.
- You're right.
Wait, wait a second.
You got a full-grown man on your back that owes me 6,000.
- Ah.
- Ohh! - Did you not put - the painting on? Or the moustache, - I forgot.
- We forgot - to put the moustache on.
- Well, I thought we did - all that stuff.
- You were describing it.
- I don't know.
No, y'all pitched it.
No one did anything.
[laughter and applause.]
Look, we only have a little bit of gold on us, - but we do have - three Binding Runestones.
What if we give you those and pay off Chadge's debt? - What if you give me those - and then later We'll actually pay off Chadge's debt? - All right.
- Fine.
Let's go to the Demon Seal.
- One thing I like - about riding on your back Is I can always give you one of these.
[laughter.]
Whenever you want one of those, you just say "huggy time" And I got your back.
Quite literally.
As you arrive in the Demon Seal, you feel a sickening despair, the same feeling you got when you encountered the Great Manticore.
I run to Tetter Spice.
- Tetter Spice.
- Yeah? - You're the most - inspired leader - That this town has had - in a long time.
I know.
You knowing it lessons it Right, cool.
But tell us anything Tell us any task to do that we can be rewarded for emotionally.
Group hug, everybody.
Oh, now you're talking.
Huggy time! Huddle up.
Huggy time.
- Bring it in.
- Yep.
- Oh, man.
- Yeah, oh, that's better.
All this hugging is really getting my brain going.
We can maybe retrofit the runestones all together in a new sort of ritual.
It will weaken the seal of the Demon Seal, weak enough for entities to pass through, but just for a moment.
If we could get the Manticore right on that seal at that exact moment, he might be banished to the demon realm.
So we're unsealing the seal - just long enough - for the Manticore Just to kind of open up a trap for him just to fall through.
- Yeah, okay, - that sounds great.
I take I take the rock that was fire, right? And I hold it out and I go - Fire.
- Earth.
Wind, wind.
And then we hand them over to Sandy Michaels.
- All right, - he tosses them up in the air, And they hang in the air.
He starts drawing with chalk and moving magical powder around on the floor.
- Do we lure him in? - Do we channel - Do we funnel him in? - Do we fight him in? I'll just stand there waving, and I'll dive out of the way at the last second.
Hopefully he'll just fly right at me and go in.
You can see over the horizon a dark shape approaching.
How far off is the Manticore? Do you have a visual? Oh, yeah, I can see the blood in his eyes.
Everybody else hide.
Positions! This is so fun! He's coming.
He's coming right towards you.
He arcs up and flies straight up in the air before plummeting directly towards Tetter Spice.
You take 12 damage as the Manticore piles into you.
[screaming.]
So I run over towards Sandy Michaels and say, like Is it working? Have we opened the portal? Is it ready to go? - No, no, we need - some more time.
Go, uh, go bother him or something.
Okay, so I I take out my Golden Rapier, - and I just start - running around in circles, - Just screaming trying - to draw his attention.
Shoot him with stuff, everybody.
I got his attention.
I have a, uh, Divine Weapon, - a lance that returns - when thrown - And deals extra fire damage.
- Can I throw that at him? Hell yeah.
Giving that a whirl.
Hurling your great lance I call it "Lance Henriksen.
" - Your lance sails - through the air Like a flaming arrow and strikes the Manticore directly in his, uh His chest, apparently.
Nice.
Never failed me.
It deals 17 damage.
[cheers and applause.]
I have a heavy flail, a longbow and a hatchet, but I'm gonna throw an old shoe.
Hit him.
See what we can do with that, huh? Watch this, son.
Are you still in my backpack? Yeah! You hurl the old shoe.
It sails through the air 40 feet before landing in a pile of shit.
[laughter.]
Uh, composite longbow.
In the name of my ancestors, in the name of of Hey, watch that elbow, son.
Come on, jeez.
[laughter.]
You fire two of the arrows.
One of them plants itself in the Manticore's sharp claws, and the other one stabs him right in the eye.
- Whoa! - Nice shot! You deal a combined 24 damage.
- Ahh! - [cheers and applause.]
That was a one-two punch that we just laid on him, huh? Yeah.
An old Zoobag one-two.
I set it up, and you knocked it down, boy.
There you go.
The Manticore glares, and as it glares, its eyes begin glowing, glowing red.
It looks directly at, uh, Boneweevil.
- I don't like - the sound of this.
You get hit by his laser eyes.
Dealing 25 damage.
Jeez, Louise.
- Whoa! - Holy shit in a bag.
Can I throw one of my potions that heal at Boneweevil? Absolutely.
[grunts.]
Healing 14 damage.
Oh, you got healed.
Where's the Manticore in relationship to me - and everybody else - right now? It's sitting on a hut.
- It's looking - at all of you guys.
I run into the hut, - try to sneak - in the hut unseen.
- You do it.
- Unseen.
Okay, I get on top of, like, some furniture, - like a chest - or like a bureau, And I jump up and I stab with my Golden Rapier at where I think he is.
Your sneak attack is a critical hit.
Oh! [cheers and applause.]
Dealing 42 damage.
I look up through the little hole I made 42 damage? [cheers and applause.]
[laughter.]
The Manticore lunges, it launches off the hut and it smashes into one of the ritualistic pillars, knocking it awry.
- Oh, crap.
- Sandy Michael is like Jesus Christ, I think it knows what we're trying to do.
I run over to the circle, - and I get right - in the middle of the circle, And I start waving my hands.
The Manticore, it lunges right at you, and strikes you with its mouth.
Uh-oh.
Dealing 15 damage.
It tackles you, but it doesn't tackle you into the stone seal.
It's now on the periphery of it.
You're tussling.
- I start clawing with - my little goblin claws To try to drag us both, with him on top of me, into the circle.
You try that, but you're a tiny goblin.
- I - Little help! - Somebody shove this Manticore - into the thing.
We're on our way but you keep saying you're doing stuff.
Weird time for notes.
I just want to help! Okay, good.
- I'm gonna get behind - the Manticore.
- You know, I want to irritate - him from behind.
Ah, not so close.
Not too close, okay? - Dad.
- What? Your chance to raise me is passed! - Wow.
- Boy.
Not a boy.
A half-orc man! Poke.
You you irritate it for seven damage.
All right, I go into a Barbarian Rage.
I grab Only Friend.
And I run towards the Manticore.
Ful-da-roll, here it comes Gonna kill till Your life is dumb - And by dumb, - I mean nonexistent.
Ti-ta-ti-ta Improvise song.
You strike it with your great ax, dealing 11 damage.
It rears back on its side.
It's kinda on its side now.
It's struggling to get up, but it's shooting laser eyes all over the place.
Wow.
It hits Tetter Spice.
Ouch.
Dealing 24 damage.
- Ohh.
- Aye-yi-yi.
- How many do I have? - You're fine.
Pfft, you're fine.
I'm hurt.
[laughter.]
I invoke Light Sensitivity.
Turn down the lights, put on a little Gordon Lightfoot, Maybe, uh, drink a little bit of Sachamoydian Mead Wine, and chill out a bit.
Back in the shadows.
I get down from my boy and watch it all unfold.
Ha ha.
Hey, this time, Dad.
What? You don't have to come back.
- Aww.
- Whoa.
You know, my whole life I made the mistake of admiring you because you left.
That made me hate myself, and it made me think that everybody that didn't like me was people I should like, but it's not true.
- It's people I like - that I should like, And, I mean, that seems like a no-brainer now.
- What? - But I I fought in the great Star Scruffle of '19.
Your wars are These wars are improvised.
There's no way that there's this many of them.
Okay, it's true! - I'm a charlatan! - I'm a fraud! I left because I was afraid that I wouldn't be a good father.
You got one chance left! - Help me push - this fucking Manticore Into the center of the thing.
I'll do more than that! I'll take that thing in there myself.
Once in my life, I'm gonna be brave, if you'll let me, - because I want to be - a good father to you.
Follow me, you scorpion-tailed, ugly looking, potato-faced son of a bitch! We're going down together! I love you, boy! Huggy time! [cheers and applause.]
Lunging at the Manticore, you wrestle with it, - trying to pull it - into the stone seal.
It's struggling, it's struggling hard.
You're almost You're almost pulling it in, but it's too strong for you.
As Chadge struggles against the Manticore in an impotent display of paternal love, there's a blur blur, a dragon! Both: That's the dragon that we released with the egg! - We remember it! - Yeah, yeah! The dragon plummets, piling into the Manticore, knocking all askew, all over the place, sending sending Boneweevil, Chadge, Manticore, dragon into the stone seal - as it begins glowing - an almighty glow.
You hear a flash and a crack and a crack and a flash.
And then all is quiet, and all is gone.
The people that I mentioned earlier are all disappeared.
I'm gone? Oh, you're gone.
I was never here.
[audience awws.]
Sandy Michaels speaks up.
It seems to be over.
- They're gone.
- They're sent to the demon realm.
They're not coming back ever.
The Demon Seal is closed, and our world is safe.
I turn to Fondue.
Hey, I know your best friend and your dad just disappeared, but I'm here.
No Diplomacy.
[laughter and applause.]
Our heroes realize that they're hollow inside.
- They left - to save their home, But upon returning barely recognize the village and its new Chief.
Earthscar would be rebuilt, but without Boneweevil, our heroes could never rebuild.
They feel as if a part of them has gone.
They feel changed.
The end.
What? [cheers and applause.]
What a chilling ending.
All right.
Nathan Fillion, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Matt Gourley.
[cheers and applause.]
Jeff Davis.
[cheers and applause.]
- Erin McGathy.
- [cheers and applause.]
Your central processor, Spencer Crittenden.
I am Dan Harmon.
This has been my quest! [cheers and applause.]
[indistinct chatter.]
Jeff, you stay here.
Go here.
Jeff, now, everybody Stop, stop! Stop all the applause, stop.
Boneweevil, you feel pain exploding throughout your entire body.
Ooh-eeh-ooh.
You're in a dark and alien place.
Up in the sky, you can see the silhouette of the Manticore flying off.
You feel something move.
- A large centipede - lunges at you, Jaws gaping, but again a blue blur smashes into the creature, sending it plunging off a cliff into the lava below.
The dragon gives you a thumbs up.
I say What's your name, blue dragon? Charles.
[chuckles.]
Charles! Maybe there's hope after all.
Maybe we can find our way back.
I, like, tentatively walk towards Charles, - and try to, like, ask him, - I say Can I climb aboard your back? Let's do it.
To adventure! [cheers and applause.]
But would our heroes ever see Boneweevil again? Would they journey to the demon realm to rescue their friend? They fucking better.
Will anyone ever get to properly thank Charles for his wonderful deus ex machina? Find out next season? Yeah! On "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
Spencer! [dramatic music.]
Did you get any of that? It's-a good-a show! [upbeat accordion music.]
Spencer: Last time on "HarmonQuest" Hey, little sword, what's your name? James Dean.
You're too late! - The mystical runestones - have the power To control and bind portals and to give life.
If we combine them together with a touch of blood magic, we can resurrect our dark lord! I am the Great Manticore.
Your world will end.
I will open the Demon Seal and unleash darkness upon this entire world, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
- Spencer: - It floats up into the air Towards Earthscar Village.
Fondue: Oh, we could have just stayed there.
Let's just take this moment to reflect on how bad we are at our jobs here.
- Spencer: Since the dawn - of the 1970s, Fantasy role-playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, - is summoning - celebrity friends To play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
- Thank you so much.
- You're correct.
This is "HarmonQuest.
" I'm Dan Harmon.
[cheers and applause.]
Uh, my regular, uh, role-playing friends, as always, Erin McGathy [cheers and applause.]
And the debonair Jeff Davis.
[cheers and applause.]
- Spencer Crittenden, - our Game Master.
[cheers and applause.]
- And our guest - role-players tonight, Our good dear friend from "The Superego Podcast," Matt Gourley.
[cheers and applause.]
Hello, Dan.
Hello.
- Hello, table.
- Hello.
Hello, everyone.
I'm happy to be here.
And also as part of our outreach program, keeping him off the streets, Nathan Fillion.
[cheers and applause.]
[mouths words.]
Matt, I know, I mean, - you have actually - played with us.
- Yeah, we've - shed blood together.
We've been through a lot.
- So we know you know - what you're doing.
Yeah, we'll see that I haven't lost it.
But, uh, Nathan, I don't really know anything about your experience with fantasy role-playing.
I played for five minutes in seventh grade with Chris Pelshe when the game ended in a duke-it-out battle between Chris Pelshe and his brother Roger, who was our Dungeon Master.
- Hmm.
- So five minutes' experience - In seventh grade.
- Oh, wow.
- Did they get - in an actual fight? - Yeah, a real fight? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, after a successful crushing of a gem in a monster's forehead, the explosion killed Chris's character, and then the dukes came out.
- Oh, man.
- He was unhappy with it.
That was either the worst or best Game Master in the history of the thing.
In case either of you guys are rusty, Spencer is the God.
- He tells us - what is happening.
- We tell him - what we want to do.
- He simulates - randomness with those dice, And he knows all the rules.
So without further ado, let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
We join them now in the ruins of the Heralds' secret hideout.
All the Heralds are dead, - but the Great Manticore - is back And headed with great haste to Earthscar Village.
- I mean, could - I mean, that guy used The three magic runestones, or the Arcane Runestones, - to do a bunch of stuff.
- Is it possible - I don't know - anything about magic.
- Could we try to combine - the runestones And do something groovy too? Ah, hell, let's do it.
Let's knock 'em together.
- Okay, let's all take - our runestones And hold 'em, like, towards each other.
Earth.
Duh Uh Music.
[laughter.]
Uh, wind.
I change mine to fire.
The runestones begin reacting with one another.
They fire off a white beam into the center of the room that opens a magic portal.
You can see the familiar hills and roofs of Earthscar Village.
All: Whoa! We just saved ourselves, like, 72 hours.
I assume that not knowing if we're allowed to separate these things, we should probably do an awkward collective shuffle through the portal.
Okay, keep 'em touching.
As you exit the portal, you trip over a large sack of potatoes right near your feet.
Ahh.
[groans.]
Who goes there? I I am a great warrior, - and I haven't seen - the likes of these - Since I plowed - the desert wetlands With the bones of the Crime Children.
[laughter.]
Let me gaze upon your looks.
You, you'll do fine.
You, good, beautiful.
You [gasps.]
What? What is this? My my boy.
[laughter.]
Son.
Dad? This must be crazy for you guys.
I have no Diplomacy.
Dad, you ran off.
Well, one may call it running away, but I was brought forth to fight in many adventures.
For instance, the Gogothian Heart Women were calling with their siren song and Name a few more battles that you were in.
Sure.
I was at the Moss Flea Market skirmishes as well as the Great Bandicoot Rundown of '22.
'22.
But to my point, son, it was the battles, the wars that called me away, in essence to keep you safe.
Never because I wanted to leave you behind.
You were always my apple in my eye.
- You say it was - to keep my safe, But growing up without a dad, I I gave a kobold a handjob.
I've been gone too long, - and I see some damage - has been done.
And now that you've happened upon my old bones, as adventuring as they may be, I'm here to make it up to you.
That's a general note.
- I don't have an actual, - specific thing.
Dad, Dad, up to you Up to you.
Say that again.
- Up to you.
- I'm here to make it up to you.
Up, the Manticore flew up.
Dad, the Manticore Manticore! [laughter and applause.]
I have tangled before with the tawny manticore.
You'll find they are not unreasonable when it comes to perishing.
I have a way.
- What is your name, - Mr.
Zoobag? - Chadge.
- Chadge? - Chadge.
- Chadge.
- I look for the Chief - to warn him To warn him that the Manticore is inbound.
- Looking around, - you see a figure wearing The Chief's regalia, but it is not the half-orc you knew as your Village Chief.
Instead it is a tall elf.
Uh, I don't know the difference and I bound up to who I think is the Chief.
Hello! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Rush ye not up to me countenance.
[laughter.]
Uh Methinks we have a fancier Chief.
I'm impressed by his charisma, and I back up, and then just slowly move towards him.
Is this Does this please you, this approach? Heck yeah.
And I prefer to pronounce it "char-isma.
" [laughter.]
Fine.
You seem different than the last time I met you.
Yea, I am different.
A totally different guy.
A new Chief.
A new Chief of this Village.
My name is Tetter Spice.
How did you find this town? The word was out.
I answered I answered an ad.
There must have been many other candidates - who threw their hat - in the ring.
- How do you think - you beat them out? I won't lie to you.
- I accosted one - on the road here And two more were killed by a troll.
That must have been hard.
- To watch? - Yeah.
Not so much.
What happened to the old Chief? - I'm not gonna - lie to you guys.
He wasn't right.
All right, he would - Strangers would come, - he'd send them off Into the woods on these fool's errands.
It was not cool.
- It was not cool.
- They wouldn't come back.
- Well, I got - some bad news for you.
What's that? - We went out - on one of those missions.
- We came back.
- Awkward.
- New Chief.
- Yeah? - The Manticore is coming.
- Whoa! - The Heralds of the Manticore, - they they They accomplished their goal.
There's a Manticore coming.
That's not good, guys.
That's not good.
- Because if the Manticore - is coming, - The Demon Seal - needs to be restored So it cannot be destroyed.
- Do you understand me? - Right.
- Good.
- Yes.
- And we're gonna need that - son of a bitch, Sandy Michael, The last Chief of this village because he's the only one who knows the old rituals and magic.
- No, no, no - Well, hold on.
Listen, here's the hard truth of it.
I owe Sandy Michael about six grand.
And I don't know how many Deloriathian Money Tiles you people carry around, - but I don't got - that shit on me.
So if you all want to pony up and help me out with this life debt, we can deal with that.
- Or I got to stay - in the shadows, But I think you're gonna need me, sons of bitches.
Could we maybe try to disguise you or I'm listening.
Uh, well, I got a crowbar and some wire.
I've got a quill and a vial of ink.
- We could draw - a mustache on you.
- Yeah.
- I like it.
- I have a rolled-up painting.
- We can cut out the face And I can do one of those state fair things.
I have a backpack.
And if we cut holes in it, three holes, - one for your head - and two for your arms, Well, it'll just look like a shirt.
I don't have to help.
- I don't have to help - with this part.
Hey, hey, those are good ideas.
Don't doubt yourself, son.
Put me in the backpack and Yoda the shit out of me.
Let's do this.
- I put - [laughs.]
I put my dad in the backpack.
Oh, that's so cute.
Am I able to do that? Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like a diaper.
Uh, we need Tetter Spice, - we need to go talk - to Sandy Michael, 'Cause he knows - the ritual.
Yeah, I don't know where that guy is though.
- He's not in town.
- Heck no.
I'm the new Chief around here, mister.
I use my Ring of Telepathy to figure out or divine if any of these people - if any of these people - might know Where we can find Sandy Carmichael.
Using your Ring of Telepathy, you can feel the thoughts of a jealous man, jealous of the new Chief.
I'm sensing someone jealous of you, Tetter.
Probably my hair.
That's right.
I get it, I get it.
- What do you use? - That's really nice hair.
Well, it's yak grease and a little something.
His Charisma's gotta be, like, 30s, 40s.
[stammering.]
No, just believe.
- Right, yeah, it's good.
- It's high.
It's way up there.
I don't think we have a dice that big.
Son, trot forth to this bush.
Let us find this one.
- Oh, that's right.
- You're on my back.
- Yes.
- Okay, I - I Yoda my dad - over to this bush.
You see a guy.
He's looking around the bush.
Hey.
- Oh.
- Wait.
You guys.
I thought you were all dead.
Listen, Old Chief, you know the ceremony that can reseal the Yeah, table talk, Spencer.
Yeah, protect the Demon Seal.
So we're trying to restore the Demon Seal? - That will hopefully - finish the job, right? - That's the hope.
- Old Chief, you gotta do it.
I mean, you can't feel bad about fucking up and then fuck up more.
- No.
- You're right.
Wait, wait a second.
You got a full-grown man on your back that owes me 6,000.
- Ah.
- Ohh! - Did you not put - the painting on? Or the moustache, - I forgot.
- We forgot - to put the moustache on.
- Well, I thought we did - all that stuff.
- You were describing it.
- I don't know.
No, y'all pitched it.
No one did anything.
[laughter and applause.]
Look, we only have a little bit of gold on us, - but we do have - three Binding Runestones.
What if we give you those and pay off Chadge's debt? - What if you give me those - and then later We'll actually pay off Chadge's debt? - All right.
- Fine.
Let's go to the Demon Seal.
- One thing I like - about riding on your back Is I can always give you one of these.
[laughter.]
Whenever you want one of those, you just say "huggy time" And I got your back.
Quite literally.
As you arrive in the Demon Seal, you feel a sickening despair, the same feeling you got when you encountered the Great Manticore.
I run to Tetter Spice.
- Tetter Spice.
- Yeah? - You're the most - inspired leader - That this town has had - in a long time.
I know.
You knowing it lessons it Right, cool.
But tell us anything Tell us any task to do that we can be rewarded for emotionally.
Group hug, everybody.
Oh, now you're talking.
Huggy time! Huddle up.
Huggy time.
- Bring it in.
- Yep.
- Oh, man.
- Yeah, oh, that's better.
All this hugging is really getting my brain going.
We can maybe retrofit the runestones all together in a new sort of ritual.
It will weaken the seal of the Demon Seal, weak enough for entities to pass through, but just for a moment.
If we could get the Manticore right on that seal at that exact moment, he might be banished to the demon realm.
So we're unsealing the seal - just long enough - for the Manticore Just to kind of open up a trap for him just to fall through.
- Yeah, okay, - that sounds great.
I take I take the rock that was fire, right? And I hold it out and I go - Fire.
- Earth.
Wind, wind.
And then we hand them over to Sandy Michaels.
- All right, - he tosses them up in the air, And they hang in the air.
He starts drawing with chalk and moving magical powder around on the floor.
- Do we lure him in? - Do we channel - Do we funnel him in? - Do we fight him in? I'll just stand there waving, and I'll dive out of the way at the last second.
Hopefully he'll just fly right at me and go in.
You can see over the horizon a dark shape approaching.
How far off is the Manticore? Do you have a visual? Oh, yeah, I can see the blood in his eyes.
Everybody else hide.
Positions! This is so fun! He's coming.
He's coming right towards you.
He arcs up and flies straight up in the air before plummeting directly towards Tetter Spice.
You take 12 damage as the Manticore piles into you.
[screaming.]
So I run over towards Sandy Michaels and say, like Is it working? Have we opened the portal? Is it ready to go? - No, no, we need - some more time.
Go, uh, go bother him or something.
Okay, so I I take out my Golden Rapier, - and I just start - running around in circles, - Just screaming trying - to draw his attention.
Shoot him with stuff, everybody.
I got his attention.
I have a, uh, Divine Weapon, - a lance that returns - when thrown - And deals extra fire damage.
- Can I throw that at him? Hell yeah.
Giving that a whirl.
Hurling your great lance I call it "Lance Henriksen.
" - Your lance sails - through the air Like a flaming arrow and strikes the Manticore directly in his, uh His chest, apparently.
Nice.
Never failed me.
It deals 17 damage.
[cheers and applause.]
I have a heavy flail, a longbow and a hatchet, but I'm gonna throw an old shoe.
Hit him.
See what we can do with that, huh? Watch this, son.
Are you still in my backpack? Yeah! You hurl the old shoe.
It sails through the air 40 feet before landing in a pile of shit.
[laughter.]
Uh, composite longbow.
In the name of my ancestors, in the name of of Hey, watch that elbow, son.
Come on, jeez.
[laughter.]
You fire two of the arrows.
One of them plants itself in the Manticore's sharp claws, and the other one stabs him right in the eye.
- Whoa! - Nice shot! You deal a combined 24 damage.
- Ahh! - [cheers and applause.]
That was a one-two punch that we just laid on him, huh? Yeah.
An old Zoobag one-two.
I set it up, and you knocked it down, boy.
There you go.
The Manticore glares, and as it glares, its eyes begin glowing, glowing red.
It looks directly at, uh, Boneweevil.
- I don't like - the sound of this.
You get hit by his laser eyes.
Dealing 25 damage.
Jeez, Louise.
- Whoa! - Holy shit in a bag.
Can I throw one of my potions that heal at Boneweevil? Absolutely.
[grunts.]
Healing 14 damage.
Oh, you got healed.
Where's the Manticore in relationship to me - and everybody else - right now? It's sitting on a hut.
- It's looking - at all of you guys.
I run into the hut, - try to sneak - in the hut unseen.
- You do it.
- Unseen.
Okay, I get on top of, like, some furniture, - like a chest - or like a bureau, And I jump up and I stab with my Golden Rapier at where I think he is.
Your sneak attack is a critical hit.
Oh! [cheers and applause.]
Dealing 42 damage.
I look up through the little hole I made 42 damage? [cheers and applause.]
[laughter.]
The Manticore lunges, it launches off the hut and it smashes into one of the ritualistic pillars, knocking it awry.
- Oh, crap.
- Sandy Michael is like Jesus Christ, I think it knows what we're trying to do.
I run over to the circle, - and I get right - in the middle of the circle, And I start waving my hands.
The Manticore, it lunges right at you, and strikes you with its mouth.
Uh-oh.
Dealing 15 damage.
It tackles you, but it doesn't tackle you into the stone seal.
It's now on the periphery of it.
You're tussling.
- I start clawing with - my little goblin claws To try to drag us both, with him on top of me, into the circle.
You try that, but you're a tiny goblin.
- I - Little help! - Somebody shove this Manticore - into the thing.
We're on our way but you keep saying you're doing stuff.
Weird time for notes.
I just want to help! Okay, good.
- I'm gonna get behind - the Manticore.
- You know, I want to irritate - him from behind.
Ah, not so close.
Not too close, okay? - Dad.
- What? Your chance to raise me is passed! - Wow.
- Boy.
Not a boy.
A half-orc man! Poke.
You you irritate it for seven damage.
All right, I go into a Barbarian Rage.
I grab Only Friend.
And I run towards the Manticore.
Ful-da-roll, here it comes Gonna kill till Your life is dumb - And by dumb, - I mean nonexistent.
Ti-ta-ti-ta Improvise song.
You strike it with your great ax, dealing 11 damage.
It rears back on its side.
It's kinda on its side now.
It's struggling to get up, but it's shooting laser eyes all over the place.
Wow.
It hits Tetter Spice.
Ouch.
Dealing 24 damage.
- Ohh.
- Aye-yi-yi.
- How many do I have? - You're fine.
Pfft, you're fine.
I'm hurt.
[laughter.]
I invoke Light Sensitivity.
Turn down the lights, put on a little Gordon Lightfoot, Maybe, uh, drink a little bit of Sachamoydian Mead Wine, and chill out a bit.
Back in the shadows.
I get down from my boy and watch it all unfold.
Ha ha.
Hey, this time, Dad.
What? You don't have to come back.
- Aww.
- Whoa.
You know, my whole life I made the mistake of admiring you because you left.
That made me hate myself, and it made me think that everybody that didn't like me was people I should like, but it's not true.
- It's people I like - that I should like, And, I mean, that seems like a no-brainer now.
- What? - But I I fought in the great Star Scruffle of '19.
Your wars are These wars are improvised.
There's no way that there's this many of them.
Okay, it's true! - I'm a charlatan! - I'm a fraud! I left because I was afraid that I wouldn't be a good father.
You got one chance left! - Help me push - this fucking Manticore Into the center of the thing.
I'll do more than that! I'll take that thing in there myself.
Once in my life, I'm gonna be brave, if you'll let me, - because I want to be - a good father to you.
Follow me, you scorpion-tailed, ugly looking, potato-faced son of a bitch! We're going down together! I love you, boy! Huggy time! [cheers and applause.]
Lunging at the Manticore, you wrestle with it, - trying to pull it - into the stone seal.
It's struggling, it's struggling hard.
You're almost You're almost pulling it in, but it's too strong for you.
As Chadge struggles against the Manticore in an impotent display of paternal love, there's a blur blur, a dragon! Both: That's the dragon that we released with the egg! - We remember it! - Yeah, yeah! The dragon plummets, piling into the Manticore, knocking all askew, all over the place, sending sending Boneweevil, Chadge, Manticore, dragon into the stone seal - as it begins glowing - an almighty glow.
You hear a flash and a crack and a crack and a flash.
And then all is quiet, and all is gone.
The people that I mentioned earlier are all disappeared.
I'm gone? Oh, you're gone.
I was never here.
[audience awws.]
Sandy Michaels speaks up.
It seems to be over.
- They're gone.
- They're sent to the demon realm.
They're not coming back ever.
The Demon Seal is closed, and our world is safe.
I turn to Fondue.
Hey, I know your best friend and your dad just disappeared, but I'm here.
No Diplomacy.
[laughter and applause.]
Our heroes realize that they're hollow inside.
- They left - to save their home, But upon returning barely recognize the village and its new Chief.
Earthscar would be rebuilt, but without Boneweevil, our heroes could never rebuild.
They feel as if a part of them has gone.
They feel changed.
The end.
What? [cheers and applause.]
What a chilling ending.
All right.
Nathan Fillion, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Matt Gourley.
[cheers and applause.]
Jeff Davis.
[cheers and applause.]
- Erin McGathy.
- [cheers and applause.]
Your central processor, Spencer Crittenden.
I am Dan Harmon.
This has been my quest! [cheers and applause.]
[indistinct chatter.]
Jeff, you stay here.
Go here.
Jeff, now, everybody Stop, stop! Stop all the applause, stop.
Boneweevil, you feel pain exploding throughout your entire body.
Ooh-eeh-ooh.
You're in a dark and alien place.
Up in the sky, you can see the silhouette of the Manticore flying off.
You feel something move.
- A large centipede - lunges at you, Jaws gaping, but again a blue blur smashes into the creature, sending it plunging off a cliff into the lava below.
The dragon gives you a thumbs up.
I say What's your name, blue dragon? Charles.
[chuckles.]
Charles! Maybe there's hope after all.
Maybe we can find our way back.
I, like, tentatively walk towards Charles, - and try to, like, ask him, - I say Can I climb aboard your back? Let's do it.
To adventure! [cheers and applause.]
But would our heroes ever see Boneweevil again? Would they journey to the demon realm to rescue their friend? They fucking better.
Will anyone ever get to properly thank Charles for his wonderful deus ex machina? Find out next season? Yeah! On "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
Spencer! [dramatic music.]
Did you get any of that? It's-a good-a show! [upbeat accordion music.]