Heathcliff & the Catillac Cats (1984) s01e10 Episode Script

- HEATHCLIFF, HEATHCLIFF,
NO ONE SHOULD ♪
TERRIFY THEIR
NEIGHBORHOOD ♪
BUT HEATHCLIFF
JUST WON'T BE UNDONE ♪
PLAYING PRANKS
ON EVERYONE ♪
THERE'S A RACE
TO BE ON TOP ♪
THE COMPETITION
DOESN'T STOP ♪
HE'S MIXING
WITH THE LADIES FAIR ♪
BEING CHARMING,
DEBONAIR ♪
THE GAME
WILL REIGN SUPREME ♪
AND NO ONE
CAN DENY-Y-Y-Y ♪
THEY'LL MAKE SOME HISTORY
AND ALWAYS HAVE
AN ALIBI-I-I ♪
SO JOIN IN THE JUBILEE
THE CATS ARE GREAT,
THEY'LL ALL AGREE ♪
FIND IN EACH CALAMITY
THE CAT'S SUPERIORITY
OH O-OH O-O-OH O-OH
O-O-OH OH,
OH-OH O-O-OH O-OH ♪
HEATHCLIFF, HEATHCLIFF,
NO ONE SHOULD ♪
TERRIFY THEIR
NEIGHBORHOOD ♪
BUT HEATHCLIFF
JUST WON'T BE UNDONE ♪
YOU SHOULD REALIZE
HE CAN WIN IT WITH YOU
- THIS BOOK HAS A LO
OF NEAT STUFF IN IT.
- WHAT'S IT CALLED?
- "EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS
WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT PETS
BUT FORGOT TO ASK."
- ASK ME.
I'M AN EXPERT ON PETS.
HEE HEE HEE!
- LISTEN TO THIS.
IT SAYS HERE THA
A WELL-TRAINED PE
IS NOT ONLY RESPECTFUL
AND KIND TO PEOPLE,
BUT TO OTHER ANIMALS
AS WELL.
- OH, TRUE. TRUE.
REEEOWWRR!
- [SCREECHING]
- REEEEOWWRRR!
- [SCREECHING]
[AWK AWK!]
- WHAT ELSE DOES IT SAY?
- WELL, LET ME SEE.
IN THE NEXT CHAPTER,
IT TALKS ABOU
HOW A WELL-TRAINED PE
IS ALSO RESPECTFUL OF PROPERTY.
- I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.
- OH, NO!
- YOU REALLY SHOULD
BE MORE CAREFUL.
- BUT--BUT--
- BOY, WHAT A MESS!
- [SOBBING]
- THE LAST THING IT SAYS HERE
IS THAT EVERYBODY
SHOULD HAVE A PET,
AND THAT A PET SHOULD BE
LOYAL, LOVING,
AND OBEDIENT.
- WELL, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT HEATHCLIFF IS.
- THE GIRL'S GO
GREAT TASTE.
- I DON'T THINK GRANDPA
WOULD AGREE WITH YOU.
- WELL, I THINK
YOU'RE THE MOS
LOYAL, LOVABLE,
AND OBEDIENT PE
THERE IS.
- MEEOWRR!
- HEATHCLIFF, MARCY, AND ME
ARE GONNA GO
IN THE HOUSE AND
READ THE PET BOOK.
- SO WE CAN FIND OUT HOW
TO TAKE BETTER CARE
OF OUR LITTLE DARLING.
- THAT'S EASY--
JUST GIVE ME BETTER FOOD
AND MORE OF IT.
ACCORDING TO THAT BOOK,
EVERYBODY IS SUPPOSED
TO HAVE A PE
WHO'S LOYAL,
LOVING, AND OBEDIENT.
IF THAT'S TRUE,
THEN I NEED A PE
WHO'S JUST LIKE ME.
I SURE DON'T WAN
A DOG AS A PET.
HEY, SPIKE, WHO'S
YOUR BEST FRIEND?
- YEEEOWWW!
- DOGS CERTAINLY
AREN'T LOYAL.
[SPIKE WHIMPERING]
- WHAT'S THE MATTER, SPIKE,
DON'T YOU LIKE ME?
- YIPE! YIPE! YIPE!
- AND THEY DEFINITELY
AIN'T LOVABLE.
HEY, SPIKEROLL OVER.
- WHOAAA!
[CRASH]
OOH! UHH! OW! OHH!
[CRASH]
- WELL, AT LEAST DOGS
ARE OBEDIENT
AND ONE OUT OF 3 AIN'T BAD.
BUT IT'S STILL
NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
UH, LET'S SEE
LOYAL, LOVING
- HE-HE-HEATHCLIFF!
COME BACK WITH THAT FISH!
- LOYAL, LOVING,
AND OBEDIENT.
WHERE CAN I FIND A PE
THAT'S LOYAL,
LOVING, AND--
NAH. CATS MAKE
CRUMMY PETS--
UH, WITH ONE EXCEPTION.
FIRST OF ALL,
THEY'RE NOT LOYAL.
YOU'RE IN
MY GARBAGE CAN, BOYS.
- FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE.
- THEN IT'S MYSERVE!
- AAH!
- AAH!
- AAH!
- REEOWWRRR!
- ROWWRR!
- HEY, WATCH IT!
- OUT OF MY WAY!
- YOU'RE STEPPING
ON MY TAIL! GO FASTER!
- YOO-HOO!
- AAH!
- AAH!
- AAH!
- OHH!
- OWW!
- OK, GUYS, LET'S SEE
IF YOU'RE OBEDIENT.
GO FETCH.
WHEEE!
- OHH!
- UHH!
- FOLLOW ME!
- DO I HAVE A CHOICE?
- LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING!
- NAH. CATS ARE
NEVER OBEDIENT.
THEY'RE ALWAYS GOING
THEIR OWN WAY.
HEE HEE HEE!
I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'
THINK OF THIS BEFORE.
YOU WANT A PET,
GO TO A PET STORE.
- BAWK!
BAWK! BAWK! WHADDAYA WANT?
- I'M LOOKING FOR A PET.
- LOOK IN THE MIRROR! BAWK!
LOOK IN THE MIRROR!
- LISTEN, WISE GUY,
I NEED A PE
THAT'S LOYAL, LOVING,
AND OBEDIENT.
- BAWK. WHAT DO I LOOK
LIKE, A BEAGLE?
BAWK! A BEAGLE?!
- LISTEN, BIRDBRAIN--
- YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! BAWK!
YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!
- HUH? UH-OH.
VERY FUNNY, BIRD.
NOW LET ME DOWN.
- LET YOU DOWN?
BAWK! WE'RE GOING
TO AUSTRALIA!
BAWK! AUSTRALIA!
- WHY, YOU DUMB
OVERGROWN PIGEON!
I MAY BE GREAT,
BUT I'M NOT PERFECT.
WHEW.
ANOTHER FEW INCHES
AND I WOULD'VE BEEN KETCHUP.
HMM.
OH, WHAT AN IDEA! A PET COW.
MY VERY OWN LOYAL, LOVING,
AND OBEDIENT MILK FACTORY.
- MOOOOOOVE OVER.
- HEY, COW, DO YOU
KNOW WHO I AM?
- YOU'RE A MOOO-ORON.
- THIS IS UDDERLY UNBELIEVABLE.
OK, COW, I'M TAKING YOU HOME.
GIDDYAP!
- BULL.
- WHAT'D YOU SAY?
- MMMYUM.
- NOW LISTEN TO ME,
YOU 4-LEGGED MILK BOTTLE
[RUMBLING]
HUH? WHOOPS!
- BULL'S-EYE.
- THE IDEA OF HAVING
A PET MILK FACTORY
SEEMS TO HAVE GONE
A LITTLE SOUR!
OOF!
LOYAL, LOVING,
AND OBEDIENT
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
TRYING TO FIND
THE RIGHT PET IS HUNGRY WORK.
- [SLURP SLURP]
HUH?!
[HEATHCLIFF BURPS]
[BRITISH ACCENT]
OH, WAITER!
- [BRRAAAP]
- YOU STOLE MY FISH!
HE STOLE MY FISH!
DON'T JUST STAND THERE.
GET HIM!
- OOH!
- AH!
- UHH!
- I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM!
THERE HE IS!
GET HIM!
- PSST! HEY, CAT
I'LL GET YOU
OUT OF HERE IF YOU
TAKE ME WITH YOU.
- DEAL.
- GRR!
OOP!
[CRUNCH]
- GET HIM OFF ME!
OH! GET HIM OFF!
- HUH?
- AAH! EEE! OOH! AAH!
OHH! AAH!
OOH! AH! OOH! AH AH!
- HEH HEH HEH!
- AH! OOH! AH!
- UHH!
- A DEAL'S A DEAL.
- OW! OOH!
- HEY, LISTEN, UH, HOW'D YOU
LIKE TO BE MY PET?
- WHAT DO I LOOK
LIKE, A BEAGLE?
BESIDES, THIS DRY LAND BIT'S
NOT FOR ME.
I GOT TO GET BACK
TO THE OCEAN.
- I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU DON'T EXACTLY HAVE
THE QUALITIES
I'M LOOKING FOR, ANYWAY.
- HEY, I KNOW
A LOT OF LOBSTERS
WHO THINK I'M
A PRETTY NICE GUY.
- YEAH, SURE.
THIS'LL TAKE YOU
BACK TO THE OCEAN.
- HEY, NO HARD FEELINGS.
I MEAN, IF YOU
WAS A CATFISH,
MAYBE THINGS
WOULD BE DIFFERENT.
- THANKS FOR
HELPING ME OUT.
- THE PLEASURE
WAS ALL MINE.
- EH, I GUESS I'M JUS
NOT GONNA FIND A PE
WHO'S LOYAL,
LOVING, AND OBEDIENT.
- HEATHCLIFF, WHERE
HAVE YOU BEEN?
I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.
- YEAH, HEATHCLIFF,
WHERE YOU BEEN?
WE WERE GETTING
WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
- IS MY LITTLE ANGEL
HEATHCLIFF HOME?
I'VE GOT YOUR FAVORITE DISH,
HEATHCLIFF--
FISH STEW.
- YUCK!
- YOU DON'T WANT FISH STEW?
WELL, HOW ABOU
CHICKEN AND LIVER?
- MEEOWWRRR!
- CHICKEN AND LIVER
COMING UP!
- THAT CAT SURE IS FINICKY.
- NOW, GRANDPA, DON'T YOU GO
PICKING ON
OUR LITTLE HEATHCLIFF.
- YEAH, GRANDPA.
- THAT'S RIGHT, GRANDPA!
- HMPH!
- YOU WAIT HERE, HEATHIE.
I'LL BRING YOU YOUR DINNER.
- LOYAL, LOVING,
AND OBEDIENT.
PEOPLE ARE A CAT'S
BEST FRIEND.
[HECTOR SNAPPING FINGERS]
- HEY, LOOK AT THIS.
MY FAVORITE PICTURE
IS PLAYING DOWN A
THE BIJOU--
"CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF."
LOOK AT THAT!
THE TIGERS WON ANOTHER GAME.
OH, NO! THIS IS TERRIBLE!
- WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL,
RIFF RAFF?
THE NEWSPAPERS ARE ALWAYS
FULL OF BAD NEWS.
- YEAH, BUT THIS IS
BAD NEWS FOR CATS.
- CATS?
[SPLASH]
OH, NO. THAT'S TERRIBLE.
HOW AWFUL--
BAD NEWS FOR CATS.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WHERE WE GONNA HIDE?
- LOOK, HERE'S THE DOPE,
YOU DOPE.
IT SEEMS THA
THERE IS A CAT DISEASE
AROUND HERE,
BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
IT STRIKES ONLY
ONE CAT IN A MILLION.
PRETTY GOOD ODDS,
IF YOU ASK ME.
- OH, YEAH?
WELL, I'M SCARED.
WHAT HAPPENS
TO A CAT WITH THIS
DISEASE, ANYWAY?
- WELL, IT SAYS HERE
THAT A CAT WITH CATATOSIS
WILL HAVE
"A TWITCH IN
HIS RIGHT ARM
HIS LIP QUIVERS"
WHAT'S THIS?
"WHISKERS SPIN WILDLY."
"A CAT WITH THIS DISEASE
ALSO WILL FLIP AND FLOP
IN HIS SLEEP."
- DUH, HEY, GUYS,
LOOK AT WORDSWORTH.
HE'S DOING ALL THE THINGS
RIFF RAFF SAID
THE CAT WITH
THAT DISEASE DOES.
- "WILL BARK LIKE A DOG."
- ARF! ARF!
- "WILL FLAP
HIS ARMS LIKE A BIRD."
"WILL CRY LIKE A BABY."
- WAAH! WAAH!
- OH, NO! WORDSWORTH HAS
CATATOSIS.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- WELL, LET'S SEE
WHAT ELSE THIS SAYS.
"THE CAT WILL SLEEPWALK."
YES, SIR. THIS SOUNDS PRETTY
BAD, RIGHT, FELLAS?
- NOW, THAT'S
THE CRAZIEST THING I EVER
HEARD, YOU BIG NERD.
I FEEL PERFECTLY FINE.
BBBLRBBBLRBBBLRBBBLR!
- WE GOT TO TAKE HIM
TO SEE DOC.
- WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR
DID YOU SAY THIS GUY
WAS, RIFF RAFF?
- DON'T WORRY ABOU
IT, WISE GUY.
YEAH. IT LOOKS LIKE OLD DOC
IS DOING ALL RIGHT FOR HIMSELF.
- YES? WHAT IS IT?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
A POTION OF SOME SORT?
COME ON. GET ON WITH IT.
- DOC, IT'S ME,
RIFF RAFF, YOUR OLD PAL.
- RIFF RAFF!
WELL, AT LEAS
THAT GROWING POTION
MUST'VE WORKED.
- DOC, HE'S NOT ME. I'M ME.
RIFF RAFF,
THE ONE AND ONLY.
- OH, YEAH? WELL,
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
YOU SEE, MY PAL HERE,
WORDSWORTH,
HAS CATATOSIS,
AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT.
- AH, YES. THAT'S ONE OF
THE SYMPTOMSI THINK.
- WELL, CAN YOU FIX HIM UP?
- WHY, OF COURSE
I CAN FIX CATATOSIS.
LET ME JUST LOOK IT UP.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- DON'T WORRY.
THE DOC WILL HAVE
YOU FIXED UP IN A FEW MINUTES.
- HEY, MAN, WHAT'S THE PLAN?
I'M NOT SICK. WHAT'S THE TRICK?
- TA-DA!
BA BA BA BA BOOM
BA BA BA BA BOOM
HEY HEY HEY
LET'S SEE HERE, NOW.
CAT-A-TOSIS.
- HE'S THE SICK CAT.
- I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD.
I FEEL REAL GOOD.
- I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND
"CATATOSIS" ANYWHERE.
THAT'S OK.
STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT.
YES, OK.
LIFT YOUR RIGHT LEG.
VERY GOOD.
NOW LIFT YOUR LEFT ARM.
THAT'S FINE.
NOW HOP UP AND DOWN
LIKE THIS.
- HEY, THIS KID'S
FLIPPED HIS LID.
- OK, YOU CAN STOP NOW.
THIS GUY IS 100% FINE.
A LITTLE STUPID, MAYBE,
BUT NEVERTHELESS, HE'S OK.
- BUT HE DID ALL OF THE STUFF.
- LISTEN, DO I LOOK
LIKE I'M CRAZY?
- THAT ONE'S UP FOR DEBATE.
- IF YOU WANT TO BE CERTAIN,
I WILL GIVE YOU A CURE.
GET YOUR FRIEND A HAIR
FROM AN ALLIGATOR.
THAT WILL DO THE TRICK.
- NOW YOU'RE TALKING, DOC.
THANKS.
[BIRDS CALLING]
- LET'S FIND ONE OF THESE GATORS
SO I CAN CATCH YOU GUYS LATER.
- UHWHAT IS AN ALLEY..GATOR,
ANYWAY?
- I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE,
BUT DON'T WORRY,
WE'LL FIND ONE.
- [SNORING]
- SHH! LET'S NOT WAKE UP
THOSE BIG LIZARDS.
- LUNCHTIME.
- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
[ENGINE SPUTTERS]
[ENGINE FAILS TO TURN OVER]
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
- ROW, YOU GUYS,
IF YOU THINK YOU'RE WISE.
[IGNITION GRINDING]
- BOY, THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.
LET'S SEE.
ALLIGATORSALLIGATORS.
OH, LOOK, HERE'S A PICTURE.
YIKES!
- ALLIGATORS?!
- ALLIGATORS?!
- YOU MEAN TO TELL ME
THAT THOSE GUYS
WERE ALLIGATORS?
WELL, THEY'RE NOT SO TOUGH.
ALL THEY ARE IS A COUPLE OF
OVERSTUFFED LIZARDS.
- LOOK, GUYS, I FEEL OK.
LET'S SPLIT. WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE
UNTIL WE GE
WHAT WE CAME HER FOR--
THE HAIR OFF ONE
OF THOSE GUY'S HEADS.
[ALL BUT RIFF RAFF'S TEETH
CHATTERING]
NOW, DON'T WORRY, GUYS.
JUST LEAVE IT UP TO
OLD RIFFIE.
I'VE GOT THEIR NUMBER.
[ALL BUT HEATHCLIFF WHIMPERING]
[CATS SCREAMING]
[LIMB CREAKING]
- UH-OH.
- [GRRR]
- [WEAKLY]
MEOW.
- SAY WHAT YOU MAY,
THIS IS THE END OF MY DAY.
- NOW, HOLD
YOUR HORSES, BOYS.
WE'VE COME ALL THIS WAY
TO GET THE CURE
FOR OUR PAL WORDSWORTH HERE.
NOW LET'S GET IT.
- WORDSWORTH SAYS HE'S OK.
- THAT'S ONE OF THE PROBLEMS
WITH CATATOSIS.
IT MAKES CATS LIE.
NOW, COME ON.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS, CHICKEN?
WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?
YEE!
I THINK WE LOST 'EM.
[MUNGO PANTING]
- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE,
RIFF RAFF. PLEASE!
[WORDSWORTH PANTING]
- YEAH. LET'S SAY LATER
TO THE GATOR.
- OH. I'M GETTIN' WORN OU
BY ALL THIS RUNNING AROUND.
- OK. HAVE IT YOUR WAY.
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO HELP OUT A PAL.
IF YOU GUYS FEEL
THAT WAY ABOUT IT,
THEN LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
LET'S SEE HERE.
WHERE DID THAT BOAT GO?
TROUBLE.
WHOAAA!
WHAT? NO HAIR.
OH, NO!
- WHAT IS IT?!
- "WHAT IS IT"!
- DOC, YOU TOLD US
TO GET A HAIR OFF AN ALLIGATOR.
REMEMBER?
- YES! I REMEMBER.
- WELL, I WOULD LIKE
TO BRING TO YOUR ATTENTION
THAT, NUMBER ONE:
ALLIGATORS AIN'
THE FRIENDLIEST OF ANIMALS.
- YEAH. AND THEY DON'
HAVE ANY HAIR, EITHER.
- DON'T HAVE ANY HAIR,
DO THEY?
WELL, THANKS FOR TELLING ME.
I MUST WRITE THAT DOWN.
WELL, YOUR FRIEND LOOKS TO
ME JUST FINE NOW, ANYWAY.
- THIS HERE'S
THE SICK ONE, DOC.
- WELL, HE LOOKS
JUST FINE, TOO.
MUST HAVE BEEN THE EXERCISE.
- EXERCISE?!
- EXERCISE?!
- EXERCISE?!
- NEXT!
- PUTTING THE CAT OUT AT NIGH
ISN'T ALWAYS A GREAT IDEA.
YIPES! IN FACT, SOMETIMES IT'S
A ROTTEN IDEA.
AH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
LET ME IN!
- MUST HAVE BEEN THE WIND.
[HEATHCLIFF PANTING]
HEATHCLIFF! OK, OK.
YOU MADE YOUR POINT.
- REMEMBER,
YOUR CAT'S ONLY HUMAN.
- HEATHCLIFF, HEATHCLIFF,
NO ONE SHOULD ♪
TERRIFY THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD
BUT HEATHCLIFF
JUST WON'T BE UNDONE ♪
PLAYING PRANKS ON EVERYONE
THE GAME WILL REIGN
SUPREME
AND NO ONE CAN DENY-Y-Y-Y
THEY'LL MAKE SOME HISTORY
AND ALWAYS HAVE
AN ALIBI-I-I ♪
SO JOIN IN THE JUBILEE
THE CATS ARE GREAT,
THEY'LL ALL AGREE ♪
OH O-OH O-O-OH O-OH
BUT HEATHCLIFF
JUST WON'T BE UNDONE ♪
YOU SHOULD REALIZE
HE CAN WIN IT WITH YOU