Hogan's Heroes (1965) s01e10 Episode Script

CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) London's going to transmit in two minutes.
Schultz will be here for the bed check.
You know what to do, LeBeau.
Ready for him, Colonel.
Great.
Guten Abend, Schultz.
LeBeau, you should be in bed.
Everybody should be asleep so that I can count the strudel.
Real, live strudel.
I made some extra.
Go ahead.
You are a wonderful person for an enemy.
Mmm! Wunderbar! It sings, eh, Schultz? Ja.
Now it sings.
Later on, it growls.
Does your wife ever make strudel? Oh, please.
Don't mention my wife, not even in the dark.
Why? She doesn't cook very good? Since the war, she works in a munitions factory, lifting up big, heavy gun barrels.
Hey, that's a hard job.
Ja.
If they ever find out that she is a woman, they'll fire her.
Now I have to check the beds.
Have more strudel.
Danke.
Good night.
Wait.
Wait.
I have to check the beds.
Everybody is here.
How do you know? I counted them myself.
Why do it twice? You're not only a good cook, you're also smart.
What's the flap, Colonel? Uh "Top secret.
Urgent.
Immediate action.
Priority one.
" You think they're trying to tell us something? "Lost contact with Agent Willie, "Message for Willie: Cancel weapons drop scheduled for 17th.
"Trap suspected.
Extreme danger to valuable underground unit.
" Well, how are you supposed to know this guy Willie? Recognition code.
"Do you know 'Lili Marlene'?" The answer has to be, "Yes.
Can you spare a cigarette?" Well, who you going to send, Colonel? Me.
I'll go out through the emergency tunnel tomorrow night.
Kinch, I want you to code this message and put it in a cigarette pack.
Newkirk, what about a civilian suit this time for me? Righto, Guvnor.
You got it.
Good.
"Civilian.
" What a beautiful word.
Next to "girls.
" Colonel, don't you ever think about anything else but dames? Of course I do, but I fight it.
Another 30 feet, and they'll cross the emergency tunnel.
What's their ruddy game? We tried asking the Krauts, but no luck.
What about Schultz? He won't talk.
Not even to me, and I got him hooked on apple strudel.
What's taking so long here? I don't know.
Blimey, it's cold! It sure is.
My nose is about to fall off.
Wouldn't hurt your appearance a bit.
Might help, as a matter of fact, Hey, Schultz, let's get this show on the road.
HOGAN: What's the delay? I know nothing.
Nothing! Report! Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for.
Good.
Now, gentlemen, I have ordered this formation for the purpose of telling you Colonel, I'd like to volunteer my command for work on the construction outside the wire.
How very kind of you, Colonel Hogan.
Do some useful work and find out exactly what we are doing there.
Am I correct? Well, it did cross my mind.
Of course.
But that won't be necessary.
I have called this formation for the purpose of telling you what is happening.
Now, prisoners, I wish to inform you that the wire surrounding this camp is being electrified.
He can't do that.
Electrified? KLINK: That's not so amusing, huh? The perimeter wire and the gates will carry enough voltage to electrocute anyone who touches it.
Now, let a word to the wise be sufficient.
Stalag 13 remains escape-proof.
Thank you, Mr.
Wonderful.
Dismissed! Electrified fence? That's terrible! Another first for Stalag 13.
Well, at least now we can get fried without drinking.
You won't be able to use that emergency tunnel now, Colonel.
Sure, he will.
They're not digging deep enough to find it.
Yeah, but they'll be guarding their equipment.
I'll have to get out some other way.
Carter, check out here.
There's nothing out here.
Well, my office is bugged, all right.
They must have done it when they electrified the fence.
And while we were out there on formation.
Yeah.
Klink figures we do all our escape planning in my office.
Shall we tear out those microphones? No.
Hold it a minute.
Maybe we'll be able to use them to our own advantage.
Gentlemen, Stalag 13 Theater of the Air is about to have its world premiere.
( knocking ) Come in.
Evening, Colonel.
Hi, Colonel.
Good evening, Colonel.
Colonel, we'd like a word with you.
Okay.
Sit down, men.
( chairs scraping ) Here.
I'll just put away my German grammar book.
( slams book shut ) Beautiful language.
What's on your minds? Sir, we have an escape plan.
We want your approval.
It's absolutely foolproof.
There's not a chance it can fail.
It's 100% perfect in every respect.
Can't miss.
It may even work.
Of course it will work, if it's properly exe cuted.
Executed.
Yeah, yeah, uh look, I'm not in favor of escape attempts at this time.
( all yelling at once ) With his usual brilliant efficiency, Colonel Klink is electrifying the wire.
I can short out the wire.
And then we put a ladder up against it and go over, any dark night.
And we're away.
LeBEAU: Yeah.
That'll show the lousy Krauts.
Corporal, I wish you wouldn't use that language.
And why not, may I ask? They are pigs, animals, brutes-- the lowest form of life on earth.
Sure, but how do you really feel about them? Deep down, don't you have a sneaking admiration for the way they conduct themselves? There's a very good chance they're going to win the war.
Never thought I'd hear you talk like that, sir.
Colonel, are you going soft on the Krauts? Let's just say that I'm being realistic.
Oh, LeBeau, I brought your your plate back.
Okay, Schultz.
Oh, it was delicious.
But you know what happened? Klink saw me eat the strudel.
He almost killed me.
Oh, he is a devil.
He's a devil, all right, but the most lovable devil in Germany today.
When he saw me eat the strudel, you know what he did? He canceled my next leave.
But he was absolutely right! I deserve it.
Oh, Kommandant Klink is like a father to me.
Well, I see you later.
Obey the rules, or I have to do my duty, and report you! ( all talking ) ALL: Bye.
Bye.
Colonel, what about our escape plan? I'll think it over.
But don't get your hopes too high.
( all grumbling ) All right, dismissed! ( all grumbling ) Yes, Herr General, a definite pro-German attitude.
He even refuses an escape plan.
It's all in the recording that I made.
What's that, sir? Oh, I had his quarters bugged.
It's part of my new electrification program.
Oh, we are on the ball here at Stalag 13.
Get off the ball and go to work? Yes, indeed, sir.
What are your orders, Herr General? Play up to Hogan? Oh, I see.
Make life easier, and don't be too obvious.
Well, you know me when it comes to being subtle.
Yes, we can discuss that at another time.
I will follow your orders, Herr General, and report.
Thank you, General Burkhalter.
Now, take the pillows and put it on the bed.
And you take this and put it over there.
Schultz, what's going on? Our beloved and wonderful Kommandant wants you to be as comfortable as possible.
That's very kind of him, Schultz.
He is a wonderful, beloved Kommandant.
Something wrong? Take this and get it autographed.
Well, Colonel Hogan, here we are, you and I having a little kaffeeklatsch, talking things over.
Now, you must confess, I am not the worst man in Germany, am I? Well, I don't know everybody.
Actually, Commandant, I understand you a lot better than you think.
Really? Not many people know this but, originally, my name was Hoganmueller.
Hoganmueller? Remarkable! You're one of us? From way back.
That makes a big difference.
Well, frankly, Colonel Hogan, I would like to improve our relationship even more.
Tell me, what is it you would like most in this world? Hmm let me think.
You can't make up your mind? I know what I want.
It's a question: blonde or brunette? What a marvelous German-American sense of humor.
Seriously, Commandant, there is one thing.
I'm getting a little rock happy.
Would it be possible to go into town some night and have dinner at the Hausner Hof? Unfortunately, that's against regulations.
Oh, of course.
Forget it.
No harm in trying.
I'd better be running along.
I've had a lovely time at your party.
And tomorrow again? Why not? Unless I sleep late.
Good.
Tell me, Hogan, is there anything special you would like for breakfast? Yeah.
I'm very fond of crumpets, but don't go to any trouble, like capturing England.
( harmonizing ): * Roll out the barrel * We've got the blues on the run * ( humming ) Hey, knock it off, knock it off, will you? ( over speaker ): Hey, Colonel, tell the Glee Club to knock it off, please-- we want to talk to you.
Oh, really? * Now's the time to the roll the barrel * * For the gang's all here * All right, all right, hold it down a minute, fellas.
What's the problem? NEWKIRK: We called this meeting, sir, 'cause we got the needle about you.
HOGAN: What does that mean? NEWKIRK: You've been having breakfast with Klink every morning.
Why, he's done over your room.
And you've been studying German.
You even asked for Hitler's autograph.
Are those eagles on your shoulders or vultures, sir? Wait a minute, where do you come off talking to me like that? This is the first time my loyalty has ever been questioned.
Whose side are you on? HOGAN: Let me tell you guys a few things.
When I was a captain at Mitchell Field, they gave me top security clearance.
I was the man who helped them test the famous secret Norden * Zing * * Boom, tararrel Norden Bomb Sight?! * Ring out a song of good cheer * Stop that singing! * Now's the time * * To roll the barrel * For the gang's all here * Hold it, hold it.
That's what the army thought of my loyalty.
How do we know that's the truth, sir? You still doubt me, huh? ( singing continues ) All right, I'll describe it.
The Norden works on the synchro-mesh principle and has a 4.
2 interlocking * Zing * Boom, tarrarel * Quiet! More details! ( singing continues ) and that's what accounts for its tremendous accuracy.
The Norden is the only invention of its kind in the world, ( singing continues ) that utilizes its own power, which in turn, as we all know * We got the blues on the run * for the last time, it makes it possible to isolate the smallest objects at a considerable distance.
* Now's the time to roll the barrel * * For the gang's * All * Here! * Yahoo! Yahoo! No question about it, Herr General, it is the Norden Bomb Sight.
What's that, sir? Yes, I believe he would give us the plans.
I have been cultivating him, and through very clever investigation have found out that he has a German background.
His real name is Hoganmueller.
Sir, no, I cannot reveal that source, even to you.
Yes, it would be an excellent idea if you came here.
It would impress Hogan.
Yes, sir, I will make all the necessary arrangements.
By the way, General, when you come here, I have a little surprise for you.
Yes, sir! Herr Commandant, General Burkhalter passed through Hamilburg ten minutes ago.
Good, he will be here any minute now.
The control switch.
Wait.
Stop it.
Stop it! Stop the car! KLINK: Welcome, Herr General.
Oh, I stopped the car because I want to show you the little surprise I mentioned to you on the phone.
Herr General, my escape-proof gates.
These are foolproof, and they work perfectly.
That's a mistake, sir.
Schultz, the controls! General Burkhalter, that idiot, Schultz! Dummkopf! ( grunts ) I assure you-- here, here, let me help you up-- it will not happen again.
( grunts ) You know, I think I saw this act once-- at the circus.
Judging by that recording, there's hardly any question Hogan knows the Norden Bomb Sight.
You can see, Herr General, that we are doing excellent work here.
Ja? Like those gates? That was just a malfunction, sir.
Be careful I don't malfunction you right to the Russian front.
But is Hogan ready to tell us about the Norden? I have been working on him, Herr General.
Even if I say so myself, ( chuckles ): when I turn on the charm, I can be irresistible.
I have never had any trouble resisting you.
( laughs ): Very good, sir.
I have ordered one of our engineering specialists, Major Klopfer, to come here.
He will arrive tonight.
Yes, sir.
Now, let me see what we can do with Colonel Hogan.
I will have him brought here.
We will start strenuous interrogation at once.
Klink, you're not only irresistible, but you're also very subtle.
Thank you, sir.
Like a broken leg.
Hogan requires very delicate handling.
Tell me, is there anything particularly he wants? Um, let me see.
Oh, yes.
He expressed a desire to go into town some evening for dinner at one of the local hotels, the Hausner Hof.
That's something to go on.
Arrange a little party.
That is exactly what I was thinking, Herr General.
Good food and enough wine to make him talkative.
And perhaps even some charming feminine company.
That is an excellent idea.
By the way, I have this young lady friend, Gretchen.
I met her at the Strength Through Joy picnic Please.
Spare me the details.
Just arrange the party.
And have him wear one of our uniforms.
It's good psychologically.
Yes, Herr General.
Now, let me tell you about this lady ( jazz playing softly ) ( Burkhalter laughing ) And then I said, "If you don't mind, mein Fuhrer, this year I will take my vacation in England.
" ( laughter ) The general is a very amusing man.
A barrel of laughs.
There's also a physical resemblance.
Colonel, you are the funniest man I have ever met.
What's the matter with me? Would you like us to make a list? Waiter! More champagne for everybody.
WAITER: Jawohl, Herr General.
Oh.
Oh, thank you.
By the way, uh, do you know Lili Marlene? No, but I'll ask the orchestra leader.
Forget it.
Gretchen, my dear, would you care to dance? I'm sorry, Liebchen, I'm a little tired tonight.
It's been years since I've done any dancing.
I thought you would never ask me.
Either you've got it or you haven't.
Careful, honey, you're gonna melt Klink's monocle.
You dance very well, Colonel.
Thank you.
I used to take notes at Fred Astaire movies.
Hogan is having a good time.
Yes, with my girl.
Either you've got it or you haven't.
( laughing ) Very good, Herr General.
I'm afraid I do not appreciate that humor.
Colonel, may I remind you that we are here on official business? Official business, yes.
Monkey business, no! Excuse me, do you happen to know Lili Marlene? Is that made with gin or whiskey? Thank you and good night.
You seem to be very interested in this Lili Marlene.
I'm taking a survey.
If he continues to dance, he'll stay sober.
Yes, you may be right.
I'm going to cut in.
And then perhaps you can talk to him.
May I? Oh, by all means.
( gasps in pain ) Oh, I'm terribly sorry, my dear.
Well, it's her fault for having a leg on that side.
You and the colonel seem to have something in common.
You mean Gretchen? Good kid.
Good little dancer, too.
Isn't there something more? Come on, General, I just met the girl.
No, no, I mean you and Klink see things eye to eye the German way.
I try to be realistic.
Excellent attitude.
I take it you like to be on the winning side.
General, what's on your mind? I mean, besides Elsa? Cards on the table, hmm? All right.
We're interested in the Norden.
Oh, that old thing? Is that all? Excuse me.
Gretchen wants to be rescued.
May I? ( grunts ) Yes, Herr General? I think your Colonel Hogan is ready to talk.
Oh, that's wonderful, sir.
Call the camp and tell Major Klopfer to stand by.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Colonel, how is it your girl has been dancing with the American all evening? Oh, shut up.
Honey, why don't you go back to the table.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Something is wrong? I want to say hello to an old friend-- I hope.
Don't be long.
I will miss you.
Uh, excuse me.
Yes, sir? Do you know Lili Marlene? Yes.
Yes.
This was made for you, my dear.
Do you know Lili Marlene? Yes.
Yes, what? Yes, can you spare a cigarette? Here.
Keep the pack.
Yes, sir.
Don't forget to read it.
Yes, sir.
You're all right.
I like a spy with nerves of steel.
Now, the main thing about the Norden is its compactness.
Practical, you mean, huh? Extremely.
Go on.
You'll notice the handle is curved for easier control.
The start button located right there.
Now, what is the power source? Electrical.
It derives from a lightweight, compact motor located right about here.
Am I to understand that a Norden is completely portable? It weighs only about seven pounds.
Seven pounds? Amazing.
That's amazing! Now, about the aiming mechanism.
Aiming mechanism? Doesn't have one.
It must utilize an entirely revolutionary principle.
HOGAN: There's nothing revolutionary about it.
Here let me show you one of the other major parts.
This, gentlemen is the dust bag.
It's located right under the handle.
Dust bag? Great suction, too-- pull the teeth right out of your mouth.
General! This man is describing a vacuum cleaner, not a bomb sight.
What?! A vacuum cleaner? Norden makes one of the greatest vacuum cleaners in the world.
Congratulations, Klink, you've done it again! But you said that you tested the Norden.
I had one in my room at the base where I trained.
We wined you and dined you, and now you're describing a vacuum cleaner! You asked me, remember? You're going to get me into a lot of trouble for this.
Besides that, you still owe me 500 marks for the champagne alone! Forget it.
Forget it, he says.
Of course, what good is money gonna do you at the Russian front? Raus, raus, raus, heraus, heraus, heraus.
All done, Herr Kommandant.
Very good, Schultz.
Now, Hogan, General Burkhalter was kind enough to forget the whole matter, but I am going to teach you Just one minute, Kommandant.
One more thing.
This and these.
You better take them along.
I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings.
Hurt my feelings? I may talk about Gretchen in my sleep.