Hot In Cleveland s01e10 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland was recorded in front of a live studio audience! Elka! Elka! - Let us in! - Please, elka, the tornado is coming! *** - Maybe she's not down there.
- Oh, she's down there.
It wreaks of pot and I can even ***.
Elkaa! Victoria! Why aren't you at the airport? *** all over the place.
Now why aren't you down there yet? Elka is not letting us in! Well she has to! It's ***.
- What? - This must be her grow house.
Elka, we don't care about your stash, just let us in! Okay! But you better be cool! Oh, my God.
Repeating our top story, the national weather service is putting the greater Cleveland area under a tornado watch.
Stay tuned for the latest updates and in What are you doing? Well, I'm calling Paris.
My dress for the daytime Emmys still hasn't arrived.
But that was lifesaving information.
Yeah, so is this.
Oui, hello? C'est moi encore.
Chercher ma robe maintenant, ou des tetes tomberont! Bloody French.
You don't even know who she's talking to.
Don't need to.
What's happening? - If my one-of-a-kind couture gown doesn't arrive within the hour, then my private jet'll never make it to L.
A.
by showtime.
Who'd you have to sleep with to get a private jet out of of Cleveland? I resent that comment.
And it's not who think.
Even if your dress does arrive, you're never gonna be able to fly in this weather.
Ah, weather be damned.
'Cause now that edge of tomorrow is been canceled, this'll be my very last chance to show that Susan Lucci who the real queen of daytime is.
Judge Judy? You know, darling Instead of making fun, perhaps you should go and find the bottom half of your skirt.
- I have a date.
- Oh! Oh, why pretend? It's a booty call.
Booty call.
Do people still say that? People do, but I'm not sure joy should.
Remember that hot guy at the coffee shop? - Oh, yeah, the one with no long-term potential.
Well, I've decided all I need him for is the short term.
I don't mean to be crude, but I really need a good rogering.
In this weather? "In this weather"? Oh, would you relax? Elka says tornadoes never hit Cleveland.
She also said Lebron wouldn't leave.
Look I'm the only one here who hasn't gotten lucky.
I've dated the guy I thought was my son and the guy I thought was a murderer.
But for whatever reasons, those did not work out.
So what do you know about this guy? Nothing! And that's the beauty of it.
I only need to know what he's going to do between 12:00 and 1:00.
Or 12:00 to 12:18.
I've clocked it.
Well, just keep your phone on, because if this tornado gets any worse, I want to be able to get a hold of you.
Fine.
Oh, my God, look at that wind! Her clothes are gonna fly right off! That's the plan! What is all this stuff? I feel like I'm in the goonies.
Wow.
Is this stuff real? Is that a tiara? Who are you? I'm Anastasia, the last surviving member of the romanov dynasty.
You are? No, but I've always wanted to say that.
Is all of this yours? No, it's stolen.
Oh, my God.
And now I'm going to have to kill you! I've always wanted to say that too.
So you're a jewel thief? How could that be? It takes you 20 minutes to walk to our mailbox.
It's not mine.
It's my husband's.
But I thought you told us your husband was an accountant? He was.
ButAfter he died, I discovered he was also a fence for the mob.
Wow, and you never knew? Well, he never let me in here.
I thought he was hiding girly magazines.
Oh, I was so relieved.
Well, why didn't you ever turn all this stuff into the cops? And ruin my husband's good name? You know, holding on to all of this stuff makes you an accessory.
I mean, you could go to jail.
Well, there's that too.
So are we the only people who have seen this? Well, there was one time What you have here, Mrs.
Smith, is a genuine Faberge egg.
Oh, what? I couldn't resist.
I love that show.
This stuff is so shiny.
Isn't it? I use a mixture of herbs and such for a special polish polish.
Oh, my God.
This is what smells like pot.
This is why you always smell like pot.
Why didn't you tell me? It was fun messing with you.
Ohh! Oh, my God, we're all gonna die.
Melanie, Melanie, it's okay.
Victoria, do you have a pill that can help with this situation? To share? I have some potato whisky right here.
Grab some Roman goblets.
Here, make mine a double.
Ohh, I cannot believe that I'm trapped down here.
When a beloved artist inhabits an unforgettable role like honor St.
raven for the past 27 years, and cannot get to the daytime emmy awards to receive her public lauding from her peers after being overlooked for such a long time Well, then the terrorists have won.
Listen, even if you can't be there to get the award, you could still win.
Oh, but what's the point, if I can't personally rub it in Lucci's face? I'm sorry, forget about the emmy.
Let's put the tiara on.
Oh, where'd it go? I needed cheering up.
Something kind of big happened today.
What? She had sex with a stranger.
How much did you pay him? I'd be happy to insult you back, but I'm still kind of on edge.
Sounds like you didn't pay him enough.
Joy, what happened? It started off great.
I was feeling so liberated.
Since I knew there was no future in the relationship, I didn't care about the things I normally would.
Would you like a back massage orWhatnot? I just want to do it.
And, time permitting, do it again.
Awesome.
Maybe we could hook up with some funyuns in between rounds.
And none of this was turning you on? No.
I wouldn't say it was turning me on more, but it wasn't turning me off.
I was just looking out for my own pleasure.
I like funyuns.
It's probably just my friend Melanie.
She available for round two? That's just Oh, who cares? I'm sorry, she's kind of freaked out about the weather.
I think weather's cool.
Maybe don't talk.
Oh, God.
The message isn't from my friend.
It's from my son.
- Oh, my God.
- I know! Is that the son you put up for adoption? I don't have any others.
You never know with you.
The website I used to find him gave him my information.
And he was looking for you too? That's amazing.
Well, the nooner thought differently.
Did you even know the nooner's name? Not well enough to use confidently.
Uh, can't you talk to him later? No, you don't understand, da fra Dude.
This is a big deal.
See, I gave him up for adoption, and this is the first time I've heard from him, ever.
What should I say? When my mom has guys over, she says she's taking a nap.
Just kind of emotional right now.
Oh, great.
See, a million years ago, my boyfriend and I were in a little hotel room, just like this one.
We used a condom and everything, but fertile Myrtle over here gets pregnant the first time out.
All the women in my family get pregnant at the drop of a hat.
WaitWhere are you going? ListenI love sex, but, truth is My mom's place doesn't have any room for kids, so Oh, go ahead.
I don't need sex with you.
I have my son.
You said that? Oh, you know what I meant.
Well, what did you end up writing back to your son? Nothing.
The storm knocked out all of the reception.
Now I'm dying to tell him how much I want to meet him, and he's someplace thinking I don't care.
Oh, he's not thinking that.
Oh, guh! That sounds horrible.
And Pete's out there.
They called up all the first responders.
Ugh, I could never be a first responder.
Maybe a fifth responder, you know.
It's all cleaned up, and the press can get in.
I just hope he's okay.
Oh, I'm sure he's fine.
He's probably someplace safe, wondering if you're okay.
Well, actually, I'm not sure he's really thinking about me right now.
'Cause I said something I shouldn't have.
Earlier today, I was calling my kids to calmly assure them that I was fine.
This may be the last time I ever speak to you.
I just want you to know that I love you.
I love you so much.
Please don't worry, but Please save this message For the grandkids.
Aah! Aah! Oh! Pete! Oh, my God! You're alive! I'm so happy! Am I getting a little insight into how you handle a crisis? Oh, my God, this is a crisis? Look, baby, I'm pretty sure the safety's on, but you're straddling my gun.
Oh, sorry.
Be truthful.
How bad is it out there? No, there's no need to panic.
Did you get your emergency supplies together, like I told you? Yes, I packed my shoes and my makeup, and my clothing iron runs on batteries.
What? Those are emergency supplies in L.
A.
I'm still learning here.
You know, you are Too cute.
Ahem.
Well? Oh, my God, you look gorgeous! Ohh.
Um, this is your idea of an emergency outfit? I really don't think you women are thinking this through.
No, she's dressed for the daytime Emmy awards.
You know, with any luck, if I leave now, I'll miss the tribute to barker's beauties, but make it in time for everything else.
Would you please tell her that she is crazy to get on a plane in this weather? Well, she can get on it, but it's not going anywhere.
Oh.
Oh, Pete.
Dear, sweet, small-town Pete.
How can I put this in a way that won't offend you? Oh, I'm dying to find out.
Well, here's how it works with celebrities.
No matter what the weather, our private planes take off.
And no matter how many infractions against the law we allegedly commit, our autographs make it all go away.
Do you understand? Yeah, I think so, uh Well, you better get out there.
Oh, good man.
You know, I think there might be an autograph in your future.
Wish me luck.
Okay, Victoria We can do this.
I played a lady storm chaser in the lifetime movie, lady storm chasers.
I've been through much worse than this.
Don't worry.
She's not going anywhere.
Okay.
Attention, all personnel report immediately to the emergency operations center.
The tornado watch has been upgraded to a warning.
Oh! A warning! - A funnel cloud has been - Funnel? Spotted five miles east of the Metro area.
The funnel! That's what makes the cows fly! Uh, you know, that happens a lot less often than that movie suggests.
Everything will probably be fine, but just promise me you'll go down to the storm cellar, just in case.
Okay, I will.
I will, I will, I will.
I'll come back to check on you just as soon as I can.
Okay.
Just be careful out there.
Please be careful.
I love you! Oh! "I love you"? You've only known him for a few weeks.
I know, it's way too soon.
It moves things to the next level way too quickly.
If one of us doesn't die, it's gonna be really embarrassing.
Do you love him? I don't know.
It was just so emotional.
I had just talked to my kids.
I was worried about Victoria.
I was telling everybody I love 'em.
All you said to me is, "I'll miss you.
" Well, my love for you goes without saying.
Apparently.
Did he say it back? You know, I couldn't tell.
The wind was so loud I couldn't hear anything.
I don't even know if he heard me.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it too much.
I've blurted it out when I didn't mean it too.
Someone recently mistook me for Kate Beckinsale, and I told him I loved him.
Couldn't you have just given him a biscuit for his guide dog? Dating at our age is a very delicate dance.
You can't just go rushing into things and throwing "I love yous" around.
I mean, he might not be ready yet.
I might not be ready yet.
I just got divorced.
I moved to a new city.
I'm enjoying being single.
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
Do you want him to say it back or not? Of course I do.
I'm crazy about him.
Ohh! But not with this storm and all of us dying and all! Oh, will you stop it? Now, remember what Elka said.
Cleveland never gets hit by tornadoes.
Well, nice knowing you.
Aah! What if this really is it? We could be right in the tornado's path and not even know it.
I'll never meet my son! And I'll never know if I won that Emmy.
And I'll never know if Pete was gonna say "I love you" back.
Okay, we need to get this out of our heads, so let's just pretend that the TV works.
Okay.
It's Emmy arrivals at the red carpet.
Okay.
All right, now Who do we think looks like crap? I'll go first.
Lucci.
Oh, you are such a good friend.
And a liar.
Lucci rocks the red carpet.
You know, honesty is overrated.
I mean, what group of women could stay best friends for 20 years without bending the truth a little.
- 20 years? - Yeah.
We've been through everything together.
Let's see, between us, six divorces Five of them yours.
And an endless array of bad boyfriends.
All of them mine.
Five kids.
Two grandkids.
Nieces, please.
We've just always had each other's backs.
For better and for worse.
I wish I had what you three have.
Well, you doNow.
I meant a tolerance for your voices.
But yes.
Yay! Wait, do you hear that? It's quiet outside.
Maybe the storm's passed.
Or maybe we're in the eye of the storm.
Victoria, find the news.
What, are you kidding? No, the daytime Emmys are on.
I made a miracle comeback from a fake illness to win this thing.
If they call my name, I want to hear it.
And Crystal McAllister for the strong and the gorgeous.
Oh, my God, this is my category.
Everybody just shut up.
And the Emmy for outstanding actress in a daytime drama goes to Victoria chase for edge of tomorrow.
Oh, my God! You won! Can you believe it? Victoria chase could not be with us.
Accepting for her tonight, Ms.
Susan Lucci.
You have got to be kidding me.
And in my one-of-a-kind dress.
Victoria chase is now living in Cleveland and recovering from some disfiguring disease.
The words "botched" and "surgery" have been tossed around, but who can say? Although she cannot be here with us today, I know she must be feeling what I feel.
Gratitude For all my loyal fans! You have loved me for so many years.
Oh, and you don't have to worry, because, unlike honor St.
raven, Erika Kane will be around to entertain you for many, many years to come.
Get your grubby little doll hands off my award, you beautiful freak! Aah! Melanie, are you there? Oh, Pete! Yes, we're down here! What's it like out there? It's okay.
It's over.
They're working on the power, but the storm's passed.
Everybody all right in here? Oh, I'm so glad you're okay.
- Uhh.
- Oh, listen I've been thinking about this all day.
When we said good-bye Yeah, I was thinking about it too, and, uh What the hell is all this stuff? Wait, what You were gonna say something.
You had to date a cop, didn't you?