Housebroken (2021) s01e10 Episode Script

1
♪
And as the neighbor
was spraying us
with a hose to separate us,
my boyfriend Jimmy Chonga
whispered into my ear,
"Now I know
that dogs do have souls,
- because ours just mated."
- All of that is a lie.
Those of you on Team Darla
will be happy to know
that she's quit Lindsay,
that femme fatale of footwear,
and has come back to me.
Well, that's wonderful
Not ready for feedback.
There's more.
Xavier is coming home from college.
And Xavier is an upside down
colander you hooked up with?
Xavier is my original human.
I was a gift to him
on his seventh birthday,
and we were inseparable
until he left for college.
We were even in a band together,
until I slept
with one of the drumsticks.
Jill is getting a puppy.
[all speaking at once]
Take that back,
you scale-faced sack of algae!
And I I mean, what are you
talking about, Bubbles?
It's true. Jill has been on her
lap thing every night searching.
There's no way Jill would
make a decision like that
without consulting me.
Sexy new baby replace
sexy older baby in prime.
- It is Kit Kat all over again.
- All right. Enough.
We're not getting our news
from an animal
with a brain so small
she doesn't even know
how to pinch off a poop.
This is not a poop.
It's a scarf that my butt makes,
and you're all getting one
for Christmas.
Ooh! Are they all brown?
[upbeat music]
[all singing on "ruff"]
♪
[singing on "ruff" and "meow"]
♪
Are you sure she was
looking at puppies
and not just on a dating site?
I may be a fish, but I know
the difference between a puppy
and a divorced real estate agent.
But we have a puppy.
Me. That's my role.
- Chief, you're six.
- That doesn't matter. I'm baby.
Me baby.
Goo-goo-bow-wow.
I relate to the fear
you're expressing
- through that cringy baby talk.
- Phank woo.
But, you know, I've thought
about it some more,
and I think it could be good for us.
Besides, Jill may get other pets,
but none will have
our special connection.
Sometimes Jill will
put her glasses on me.
Oh, and one time
she tried on my collar.
- Go get the leash.
- If Jill is gonna get us a pet,
why doesn't she do
something cool like clone me
so I can be successful at work
while spending quality time
with the kids?
- What?
- My point is, me wub the way things awe.
It's going to be okay.
Twust me.
Ugh, Honey, I just spent
this whole conversation
explaining why I don't want
another baby in the house.
I mean, were you even wistening?
That baby talk
should be a turn-off, but
[can cracks]
- Come on, Tabs. It's dinner time.
- I-I can't.
I made promise to myself,
never again participate
in Tuna Toes Tuesday.
- [all meowing]
- Ugh!
I love my life.
I know you're hungry,
so I'm gonna share
something with you
that I've never shared
with another cat.
♪
- You own two-storey house?
- With my credit score?
[laughing] I don't think so.
The lady that lives here
puts out food for stray cats.
And if a person tries to take it,
she calls the police.
- It's hilarious.
- [gasps]
Is that wet cat food?
In crystal goblet?
- Uh-huh.
- [laughing]
[chomping wildly]
[purring]
Hmm
[gasps]
That is me.
[gasps] And that is me.
And that is me.
And that is guitar lessons,
but underneath that is me. [gasps]
Why would they use that picture?
Yeah, it's not one of your best,
but the fact that they're using
this less beautiful
but more accurate picture shows
how much they want you back.
Let me rephrase that.
See, they can't use
one of your glamour shots
- because it wouldn't look like
- I want to go.
Aww, don't listen to me.
I only have one eye.
[grunts]
Sorry, ma'am.
Honey, Chief, come.
I have a surprise
for you next door.
I love surprises.
I hope it's a poop scarf.
Little Cookie.
She's cute, right? I found her.
She's the sweetest little puppy.
Ah. The puppy is for our neighbor.
Now don't you feel silly
for getting so worked up?
- [panting]
- Hey there, Little Cookie.
Aww, aren't you
the female friend and daughter
I've always wanted?
Yes, you are.
Hold. Hold.
Now, tell that bitch who's boss.
[barking]
Feels great
on your anal sac, right?
Don't ever let anyone
tell you this is wrong.
Little Cookie,
you're the best therapist
in the whole quadrant.
That's only because
I learned from the best.
[dreamy harp music]
[laughter]
Okay. Pass on my wisdom
to you later, I will.
[chuckles]
That was a reference
to a thing I was thinking.
Okay, bye.
[whispers] Is she still watching us?
Yes. I just wish she'd
move on with her life.
Her constant lurking really
gives me a de-rection.
[sliding door scrapes]
It's Xavier! He's home!
My man, what it be?
I can't believe I left you here.
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
You're coming back
to school with me.
Oh, hey Shel.
Hey, other turtle.
- Xavier and Lindsay?
- I give them a week.
I can't put this off any longer.
You guys are going
to meet him soon enough.
- Who?
- Jimmy Chonga?
Okay, remember I'm laying odds
that she brings in a watermelon
on four carrot legs.
I always imagined him
to be a cantaloupe
with pretzel stick legs.
I picture a piñata
full of misplaced hope.
I know this roasting
is a sign of your respect,
but this is serious.
Jimmy Chonga exists.
He just doesn't know that I do.
I've had a crush on him
since puppy class,
and he's just moved
to our neighborhood.
So chances are you'll run
into him at the dog park.
You know what, Elsa?
I am really glad
Jimmy Chonga exists.
And given the way you feel
about him, he is one lucky dog.
- I feel a "but" coming.
- Oh, there is a butt, Tabitha.
It's mine, and soon you'll be
watching it walk out that door.
Yep, I'm joining Cloons
and fam in London.
- [all gasp]
- But before I go,
I just wanna tell you all
what you've meant to me.
- This is going to be good.
- No, it's not.
But Shel, one thing I love
about you is your optimism.
And Nibbles, you're tough
as nails with a heart of gold.
- Nope.
- Chico!
Did I already use
optimism on Shel?
- Same for you.
- BOTH: Aww.
Oh, Tabitha, The Gray One.
Will they? Won't they?
Who cares? I do.
And Diablo, what are you?
Like, a dog?
I was gonna ask you the
first week, but then too
much time passed and it
would have been weird.
I mean, it's pretty weird now.
And Honey, deep down
I think you may be crazier
than all of us,
but that's why
I love you, mama.
- Well, that wasn't a compliment, but
- Later, losers. Ha-ha!
Wait.
You're leaving right now?
I'm a pig flying international.
You can't be early enough
to the airport.
- What just happened?
- I'm sorry.
You guys knew
I was a dog, right?
You know, I thought you were
a squirrel the first two weeks.
- Land otter.
- Feather duster.
- Baby rat.
- Injured jackal
- David Spade.
- Premature Ewok baby.
Wow. Just wow.
- [dogs barking]
- [chuckles]
It's the battle of the babies.
- Let's get weady to wumble!
- [growls playfully]
Come here, you little cute little
[cooing indistinctly]
Come here.
So Jill did get a new puppy.
From first dog to third wheel.
Ha, that's a big leap
for such short legs.
No, she belongs to our neighbors.
[both laughing]
Well, it looks like she and
Chief are enjoying themselves.
Why aren't you joining in?
Oh, she needs to learn
one-on-one socialization, so
So they didn't invite you?
[sighs]
I'm gonna go check on Jill.
Oh, looks like Jill's a little busy
with her new playmate.
A husky? Okay, that guy
is definitely not our type.
It's probably named
something like Utah
and doesn't have
all its vaccinations.
I'm gonna go save her.
Elsa, I heard someone say
"Leave it, Jimmy Chonga!"
He's here.
Oh my god. What do I do?
What do I do?
- He is a snack.
- He is a total snack.
I don't even know what to say.
This may surprise you,
but I don't got game.
- Hey, girl. What's going on?
- I gotta poop.
Real bad.
I'll be your wingman.
I do this for my dad
all the time,
and one time, it almost worked.
I like those odds.
[both laughing]
Maybe Elsa is right.
I should just join in.
I remember how to play.
Okay, here comes
some spontaneous playfulness.
In three, two, one.
Ow! My hip!
- His hip!
- Ugh.
You don't just jump
on two babies.
Sorry. Sorry. My mistake.
I'll just I'll let
you two do your thing.
[chuckles]
Stupid Elsa.
I play rough!
I have no boundaries!
My name is Montana,
and here I come!
Great.
Now I'm the fourth wheel.
- Here I come!
- Fifth.
- Oh, hell yeah!
- Sixth.
- Room for one more?
- Seventh.
- [laughs]
- Oh, come on!
[somber guitar music]
- Hey.
- What do you want?
I know you're upset
because I accidentally implied
you were ugly several times.
So I threw
a little something together
- to remind you how pretty you are.
- That's not why
Welcome to the first annual
Uglier than Tabitha Parade!
First up: The Hideous One
I got stuck in the microwave
for a couple of seconds
when they were making popcorn.
And my secret talent is this.
Ta-da!
Blech, am I right?
Next up, the Horribly
Out of Proportion One.
My talent is looking normal
in the reflection
of this dented toaster oven.
Next.
I absorbed all
the other kittens in my litter,
and now they always
have my back.
- Hello ♪
- Hello ♪
- Hello ♪
- ALL: Hi.
That'll haunt you
for all nine lives.
Bet you're feeling
a little less ugly now.
- I'm leaving.
- [sighs] It's not your fault.
You guys were disgusting.
Thank you.
And no matter how many hideous
cat parades I put together,
she's still upset
I keep calling her ugly.
That is not why I am upset.
It is because of hairy arm.
You've hooked me.
Now reel me in.
In the lost cat photograph,
I saw Stelios' arm.
I used to fall asleep in that
arm every night after my dinner.
I drifted off in the warm glow
of his laptop
as he cruised farm tables
on First Dibs.
I'm not upset
that you call me ugly.
I know I'm centerfold cat.
I'm upset because I miss my Stelios.
Well, then,
why don't you go home?
Then I would miss living with you.
I'm staying with The Gray One
- and all of his disgusting friends.
- Are you sure?
I mean,
they are truly repugnant.
Sometimes those cats
on her back kiss each other.
- My mind is made up.
- Yay for the Grayitha One!
That's my couple name
for you guys.
Speaking of couples doomed
to break up,
Xavier is taking Lindsay
back to college with him.
And I wish him luck.
There's not enough lime rickeys
in the world
to quench that thirsty beast.
Diablo, Jimmy Chonga
totally avoided me
after you left the park.
What! Did! You! Say?
So she's been lying about you
being her boyfriend.
She also told us a funny story
about when you were a puppy
and you got neutered,
the vet said one of your
testicles hadn't
descended, and she was like,
"If I was his testicle,
I'd stay up in there too."
And she'd do this funny voice
and your testicle would be like,
"I'm not going anywhere no how!"
- But why?
- Just making conversation.
I have spent so much time
projecting spectacular
yet achievable fantasies
onto this relationship,
and now I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life
with a Jimmy Chonga-sized
hole in my heart.
I'm so alone!
Elsa, I can relate to what
you're going through right now.
- You can?
- Yes.
Uh, Chief and Little Cookie
have really bonded,
and I'm happy for them,
but it's just left me
feeling a little, um, lonely.
That's how I felt after
I killed Butterscotch.
Not that it was a competition,
but Chief is clearly
Little Cookie's favorite.
Ouch.
This is helping me feel better.
Eating Butterscotch's face
helped me feel better.
So, Honey, have you tried
eating the puppy's face?
- No, Chico. No.
- Maybe Little Cookie will want
to hang out with you
when she's older.
- But why not now?
- A puppy needs to run around,
be a little wild,
make a little mischief
while it's still cute, you know?
Are you saying
I'm not as fun as Chief?
No, but if Max were here,
he would have.
God, I miss him.
[upbeat music]
I don't have a lot
of experience with pigs.
I hear you guys
are smart, though.
Like, smarter than dogs.
Not smart enough to put
my noise-cancelling
headphones in my carry-on.
Why won't this guy shut up?
Why are we stopping here?
Max doesn't shuttle.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
I need to get to LAX, pronto!
- Are you Max?
- Listen, you got to get this guy
to take me to the airport.
If I miss my flight,
George will kill me.
- George didn't tell you?
- Tell me what?
You're not moving to London.
You're moving here, to Los Feliz,
to live with me and Ray Liotta.
Come on, I'll show you
the bed we all share.
[cackling]
[dramatic musical sting]
What the hell?
- Did you do this?
- What? That?
That is clearly the work
of someone
without opposable thumbs.
- [both laughing]
- Chief.
I can't believe
you guys dug up Jill's roses.
Now where is she gonna get
her Friday night bed petals?
Honey, hold on.
We're creating
a secret fart language.
[farts]
[both laugh]
Okay, Chief, this isn't funny.
Honey, we were
just playing around.
We just did it for shiggles.
See, this is why I didn't invite her.
[farts]
I am fully capable
of doing things for shiggles.
[chuckles, farts]
- See?
- What?
[laughs nervously]
We can't make out a word
you're farting.
- [both laugh]
- [growls]
- Hey, Bubbles.
- I'm busy. Pinching off a poop.
It's an L for Loser.
Hi, sweet girl.
Oh, Jill, it has been a day.
[toilet flushes]
Why is husky guy here?
[both moaning]
Okay, where's Montana?
I know you're here,
you blue-eyed anarchist.
And why is he grooming Jill's face?
[barking]
Uh, your dog is kinda freaking out.
I don't know
what's gotten into her.
Okay. Come on.
[somber music]
I can be fun.
I can be bad. I can.
Ah! Ah! Thorns!
Why would anyone
want to do this? Ow.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Well, everyone has someone
to play and cuddle with but me.
Do you have any idea
how soft I am?
- I'm a walking stuffed animal!
- Wow, you weren't kidding.
So why am I alone? Why?
Just because I'm obedient
and a rule follower?
Okay, stop petting me.
Your fingers creep me out.
You know, I wanted
to run off with Armando.
- The pig?
- The coyote.
Oh, right, right, right.
I wanted to throw caution
to the wind,
make mischief, break the rules.
But I didn't. I didn't
because I'm a good, soft girl.
- I'll say.
- Enough.
I should have gone
when I had the chance.
- You still have the chance.
- Armando?
That's right. Drink him in.
Wait until you see this house.
They've got everything
a cat like you could want.
This is my old house.
This is where you belong.
Not with me at that dump.
You deserve to be in a place
where the cats only have one face.
I don't know what to say.
I mean, a thank you would be nice?
No.
[soft music]
You should go before
they beat you with a broom.
- You're welcome.
- Oh, my God.
She's back! My baby's back!
Oh, my God.
She smells like your mother's
foot before they amputated.
Excuse me, buddy.
I can fix things
with Jimmy Chonga.
- Let me go talk to him.
- Do not.
Max?
Why aren't you in London?
I'm Ray Liotta's pig now,
and apparently
we go to the dog park.
Does this mean
you're coming back to group?
No, I can't.
I said some things
I can't take back.
Nice things, from the heart.
I built a few too many bridges.
So what are you gonna do?
I guess I'll just hang out
with Liotta
until Cloons comes crawling back.
Well, thank God you're here.
Pretend to be my boyfriend
in front of Jimmy Chonga.
Yeah, I guess I got a few minutes
while Ray finishes his Cameo.
Happy birth-Ray to you ♪
Another $39.
Let's see. Who's next?
Oh, Veronica got a promotion.
Hey, V, what'd I tell ya?
Go tell Jimmy Chonga
that my boyfriend Max
is back in town,
and I have moved on. Go!
Look at me lovingly, tap into
your emotions, and action.
Max, I knew
you'd come back for me!
Of course I came back for you.
I'm not some heartless
monster who would just fly
off to London and leave
his best friend behind.
- Keep it on me. Keep it on me.
- Oh, that's right.
It's always gotta be about you.
Your career, your family,
your anti-poaching
satellite program.
But you know what, George?
Now it's my time!
- So goodbye forever!
- What?
You want me
to meet your parents?
- Okay.
- Oh, thank God.
- So what'd he say?
- He he was devastated.
Yes! Max, no notes.
You were amazing.
Oh, thanks, Elsa.
You were just okay.
Come on, kids.
Change of plans.
Uncle Ray just remembered he
left a pound of scampi in the car.
Scampi? Classier than
Clooney, that's for sure.
Yeah.
One pint salted caramel and
something dairy-free for dad.
[under breath]
Mark is not my dad.
I got it.
- What are you looking at?
- Take the high road, my love.
Soon she'll be
out of our lives forever.
I just can't help
but feel she's evil, Shel.
She's harmless.
- The next chapter is all about us.
- Wait. Crap.
- [grunts]
- [screams]
- No!
- [cracks, groans]
- Ma!
- Salted caramel.
- Right.
- [groans]
Shel?
So what do you say, Honey?
You wanna run away with me?
[soft dramatic music]
♪
[exhales]
Let's get out of here.
[empowering synth music]
♪
Look, I'm happy to throw
you the party, Nonna,
but I can't keep having
this conversation.
You're gonna make me
start smoking again.
How 'bout a Vegas theme?
The party already has a theme.
It's your birthday.
That's the theme.
- But
- I know it's your party,
but it's my ass
on the line here, Nonna.
Under the Sea won't cut it!
What is this, a bar mitzvah?
- [whining]
- Hey, Nonna.
Okay, Nonna. Don't cry, Nonna.
You want a theme?
I'll give you a theme.
Tell me! Tell me!
[tropical music]
♪
Dust off your coconut bra.
We're having a luau.
[suspenseful music]