I Just Want My Pants Back (2012) s01e10 Episode Script

1 She is different than your usual type, Jay.
She's sane.
I'm not even a little bit sick of her.
My love life is starting to look like one of those time-lapse films of a rotting deer carcass.
When I started dating Eric, I had to overlook his band.
Black scientist was banging.
- You got me wishing' - Not so much.
[Both panting.]
Wow, good stuff.
Excellent stuff.
Go ahead, call your people.
- Tell them of my deeds.
- Too tired.
I will write a really detailed email later though.
So whatcha up to this week? The usual.
Working, complaining about work, drinking to forget about work, all hopefully capped by naughty things with you.
Why, you got something planned for us? No, I wanted to give you a heads-up.
I might be kind of busy the next few days.
It's just my ex is in town.
Oh, I didn't even know you had an ex.
Yeah, also braces and an eating disorder for six months where I only ate frozen yogurt and baked potatoes, but that's it for my dark past.
Anyway, Alex is moving here and asked for help finding a place.
Moving here? As in permanently? Yeah, I wanted to tell you so you'd know what I was doing.
We're just good friends, there's no reason to be jealous or anything.
Don't worry, I never get jealous.
That is not one of my issues.
I can be neurotic.
Planes make me claustrophobic.
Once I swallowed a quarter on a dare, and I'm pretty sure it's still in there.
But jealous? No, never jealous.
Good, I'm glad.
And also a little creeped out, because I found two dimes and a nickel in the toilet yesterday.
- Probably.
- Eh, I'll take my chances.
I have to stay up to prepare for a presentation for work.
I'm trying to make my move.
I've been there almost a year.
Anything I can do to help? No, just when you're saying your prayers tonight, in addition to the one about meeting Topanga from boy meets world, throw one in for me.
Perhaps you could also ask your angry white God to help me.
I have a new girl in my sights.
Any spells or incantations he might cast would be greatly appreciated.
I'll put in a good word for you, Bobby.
So weird thing happened to me last night.
Ness told me her ex is moving here but that I shouldn't be jealous, which made me - start to feel jealous.
- Why? I mean, what if she's still into him or if he's, you know, bigger than me? Well, he's definitely gonna be bigger than you.
You're half the size of Dakota fanning.
But if you're worried about it, why not just do an "in the neighborhood"? Like, an unplanned swing-by.
That way, you can see if anything suspicious is happening.
And, just in case her man friend is there, you bring this.
Effective, but very hard to clean.
So to wrap things up, I propose we take our products off boring white backgrounds and show them on regular cool girls.
It works for street style blogs, and I really think it could work for us.
Tina, such a cute presentation.
Truly a neat little idea.
That's it.
Oh.
Okay, I'll just All right, welcome to Thunderdome.
72-hour study lockdown is about to begin.
You, constitutional law paper.
Me, tumors and growths exam.
- Okay, highlighters? - Check.
- [Intercom buzzes.]
- Gum? On the way with the food delivery.
- Adult diaper? - For you.
I'm using the bathroom like a big girl.
Whatever.
Bottom line: No breaks.
Breaks are for bitches.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- Perfect timing.
Okay, cockpit door will lock as soon as food is deposited.
Hi, Bobby.
How much? $35.
Hi, Stacey.
So this is your home? Seems a little small to make babies in.
[Polite laugh.]
Um, we're about to hardcore study here, - so - Young love.
I also have a love interest.
Yeah, we call it "lockdown mode" because She's acting like Bobby doesn't give her the fever, but soon I'll infect her with romance.
Well, good luck with that.
But next time she comes into the store, I'll tell her how I really feel and, uh, she'll be all caught up in my love tornado.
Great, uh, go for it.
Kind of in a rush.
Bye, Stacey.
Oh! By the way - [Door lock clicks.]
- Lockdown is on.
[Light knocking.]
So, Tina, terrific work today for someone your age.
Good news.
We're going to do a test shoot.
If we like what we see, we'll launch a site-wide rollout.
Seriously? That's awesome! But I need to see it asap, otherwise we miss our chance.
This is Paul Warner.
He just moved here from L.
A.
He's shot for vogue and bazaar.
I'm handing him the reins so he can convert your little idea into something big.
So exciting for you.
We'll let you know how it comes out.
Hi.
Really nice to meet you.
Wait, so am I even a part of this? Uh, I guess if Paul wants you can just assist him, get him coffee, tea I don't usually need an assistant, but come hang out.
Watch.
Yeah, I'd love to just hang out and watch my idea.
Pleasure was all mine, really.
Okay, have a great day.
[Intercom dialing.]
- Hello? - Hey, it's Jason! Um, I was just doing errands and kind of ended up in the neighborhood.
Really? No one ever ends up in my neighborhood unless they've been kidnapped.
Come on up! Alex is here.
Oh.
Okay.
Hey, this is great.
You guys get to meet.
Yay.
Alex, Jason.
Jason, this is Alex.
Hi.
[Crash.]
Hey.
Uh, hi.
Uh It's nice to meet you.
Um, Ness has told me almost nothing about you.
You're a little surprised I used to date a girl, - aren't you? - Oh, no, not at all.
I date girls.
Why shouldn't you? Classic Ness.
So good at cooking stir fry, - but terrible at details.
- Shut up! And I so notice that you're buying the one-ply toilet paper.
I told you, you just fold it over Fold it over, it will make two.
I know, but it doesn't work.
[Laughter.]
So, how long did you guys date for? I mean, clearly you reached the toilet paper milestone.
And then Maya brings in this fancy L.
A.
photographer.
You know, the kind who wears white jeans? And he totally takes over, even though it's completely my idea.
Look, you don't have to punch a wall or anything, but at least say "that sucks.
" Sorry, that does suck, it's just I did an "in the neighborhood" today.
So is he a Ryan gosling red alert or a Carson daly who cares? More like a Katy Perry surprise.
- Alex is a girl.
- Whoa.
I did not picture Ness as a bi-nosaur.
I gotta say, my first reaction is why'd she pick you over me? I met her first, and I'm frickin' adorable.
I don't know.
Something felt really weird.
Plus, I don't think Alex likes me.
I thought you'd be popular with the lesbians.
You're like this pretty little half-step between man and woman.
Thanks.
You always know just what to say.
[Laughs.]
Thank you, Anja.
Wonderful work.
Yes, thank you.
What is the check for, looking like a giant dominatrix? No, but that's a hilarious way of asking.
She's in my top three.
I think she has an intense look.
Yeah, it's called "I'm about to put you over my knee and spank you with a hairbrush.
" I think that we should be going for somebody with a more normal look.
You know, there's a bartender in my neighborhood - that would be amazing.
- Tina! Tina! Women want to see aspirational images, not the girl who mixes their Jack and gingers.
What are we supposed to aspire to? Working in a slavic sex dungeon? I can't believe I ever doubted needing an assistant.
I don't know how I ever got by without an endless torrent of snarky remarks.
- Bring in the next girl.
- You bring in the next girl.
Next.
Hey, lady.
How's the house hunt? Oh, it's great.
I found a super-cheap three-bedroom in fantasy village.
In Brooklyn, nothing.
But look at what I did find.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna get the curvy knife.
I love grapefruit.
It's tart but refreshing.
My parents love to sweeten it with splenda.
I only got enough for the two of us.
Oh.
Okay.
[Excited tittering.]
Thank you.
Nessy, it is so hot here in the summer.
- I know.
- [Sighs.]
Luckily, you're wearing layers.
Ohh.
Oh, my God.
Nessy, you've got to get this - in your mouth right now.
- [Laughs.]
- Oh, my God.
- Mm-hmm.
- Perfect.
Yum! - Mmm.
So you guys like grapefruit, huh? Ness, thank you so much for letting me crash here.
Of course.
Um, Ness, could I talk to you for a sec? Yeah.
- She's staying here? - Yeah, just for, like, a week.
Don't you think that's a little weird? Why would that be weird? Um, because you guys used to date and Do stuff to each other? Yeah, but now I "do stuff" with you, right? Yes.
You make a good point.
- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry.
Come on.
I want more grapefruit.
Okay.
Can we turn the Wi-Fi on? I think maybe my brain works better No! Internet equals break.
Don't be weak.
[Doorbell rings.]
Damn it.
Who the hell is it? Jeez.
$23.
- We didn't order delivery.
- The girl did.
- Hello, perky.
- Hi.
Come on, it's not breaking lockdown if it's essentials.
Bobby, come in.
- Have a seat.
- Seriously? Tell me what happened with your customer crush.
No, it didn't go well.
Okay, she's browsing juice, right? So I lock all the doors, pull down the metal gate, and I tell her, "we're finally alone, we can talk.
" You locked her in a deli dungeon? Well, I thought, you know, "go big or go home.
" She went home.
Now I lost my chance at love and my only customer who still buys whole milk.
Look, the next time she comes in, apologize for the lock-in.
Tell her you got carried away.
Hey, who's watching the store? Come on, man! Ohh, I love this.
We shoot here at night, the light will illuminate the shapes in a really dramatic way.
If we shoot here at night, the muggers will mug us - in a really dramatic way.
- Oh, it'll be fine.
We only have one shot at this, and this area gets really sketchy.
Trust me, Paul, you've been in New York how long five minutes? And you've been out of college how long a year? Still get a little sad when the summer ends? Give me the wide-angle, please? Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I insult you, elder? Can you tell me about the olden days when the earth was flat and dragons ruled the air? I sarcastically accept your sarcastic apology.
Okay, yeah, let's do this.
Yeah, uh, just one second.
Come on.
Come on, buddy.
Is everything okay? I'm I'm having technical difficulties down there.
Oh, boy, this has never happened before.
I know that's a cliche, but I mean, you've seen it.
Usually you can bounce a quarter off of it.
[Laughs.]
Okay, do you want me to do anything? Do you want me to make pig noises, or Just trying to cut the tension.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I don't know what's going on.
I mean, I'm just mashing it around down there.
Maybe you try the pig noises? It's okay, Jay.
I don't care.
Do you not care because this might be even better for you if a penis wasn't involved at all? Okay, now you're being crazy.
Sorry.
Sorry, that was dumb.
Oh, I'm going to get a glass of water, give myself a stern talking to, and then I'm gonna come back and teach you a lesson, young lady, okay? Hey.
Pretty quiet in there, huh? - Aye-yi-yi.
- Shh.
- I'm finally focused.
- I can't sigh? [Phone vibrates.]
I thought phones were off.
Do not answer.
Why not? You had a Bobby break.
- Hello? - Hey, is it normal for a young man's penis to malfunction? - Poppa? - Be serious, er.
It was like a gummy worm.
I need it to be more like a frozen candy bar.
Have you been under stress? Well, I think my girlfriend's ex-girlfriend is a hypersexual psychotic who's trying to steal her back.
- Does that count? - Definitely.
Although I'm pretty sure little Eric could still bring the thunder under those conditions.
Look, just ask her what's going on.
Hello? Hey, you.
- Top of the morning.
- Hey.
So, are you okay? You're not upset about last night, are you? No.
I mean, yes, I'll probably be on WebMD all day.
Listen, I know you said there's nothing weird about Alex staying here, but is it just me or is she, like, really touchy-feely with you? That's just Alex being Alex.
- She can be insecure.
- Oh.
It's just her insecurity seems a lot like - other people's foreplay.
- You just don't know her, so you're probably misinterpreting some stuff.
Yeah, maybe I am being a little paranoid.
I should get to know her better.
Hey, why don't we all go out or something? Yeah, sure.
- Cool.
- Cool.
- I feel a lot better.
- Yeah? - No.
- [Laughs.]
Anja, that's perfect.
[Shutter clicking.]
Yes.
Beautiful.
I'm thirsty.
I need red bull.
Tina? Go.
All right, Anja, give me some fierce shapes now.
Drama.
Maybe we should try some pictures of her looking less like a glittery martian and more like a human being? Tina, what's unique about Anja is her length.
[Liquid splashing.]
And her angularity juxtaposes with this wall Oh, no, this is too disgusting.
[Urine splashing.]
Oh, just Look away.
Let him do his thing.
You were right, Paul.
This was a lovely spot.
[Urine splashing.]
- Hey, Alex, good to see you.
- Hey! Yeah, you ready to get your pool on? I mean, I'm not, like, a dude who brings his own cue or anything, but I like to play.
- Hi! - Mmm.
We should put our name on the board.
Okay.
Oh.
[Laughs.]
Okay, Anja, I think we are finally good to go.
Let's try that warrior pose again.
And this time, really feature the bag.
It's all about the bag.
- [Urine splashing.]
- Ugh! I can smell it! Urine molecules entering my body.
Okay.
Excuse me, sirs.
Could you, uh, please not urinate here? But this is our bathroom spot.
Well, we're trying to do a fashion shoot here.
Go ahead.
Hey, you done with that can? - Eew! - Guys, okay.
- Come on, please? - Don't touch me! - Please, just go.
- Keep your hands off me! [Overlapping argument.]
- Keep your hands to yourself.
- I don't want any trouble.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey! Hey! I dialed 911.
Now, I can either hit send and get the cops here, or, you can take this cooler full of sugar-free red bull and baby carrots, move on, and let us shoot in your toilet.
Your choice.
Have a nice night.
[Cooler scraping along street.]
Whoa, that was different.
So now we can get back to work, okay? No, not okay.
I make promise to myself in 2008: No more pee shoots.
Anja.
Anja! Wait! Hey, wait! A [Car door shuts.]
[Engine turns over.]
Great.
[Car pulls away.]
So now we should, um I have no idea what we're gonna do.
We're screwed.
- Maybe this isn't so bad.
- How's that? We never should have hired that angry giraffe, okay? I said from the start we should be using normal girls for this campaign, so Come on, let's go find a normal girl.
Why are you looking at me like I'm a sweet little piece of chicken? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
- This could work.
- No, you can't be serious.
Uh, Tina, normal was your idea.
And right now, you're the normal-est girl around.
Come on.
[Groans.]
Let's just be clear, this is your break.
You want to check on Bobby.
No, you want more chocolate.
This is a joint break.
Fine, then it's kind of 60-40.
Hello! You smell, my friends.
Hi, Bobby.
We just wanted to see how it went with your lady customer.
Oh, terrible.
She's a mean, awful witch.
She says she'll never shop here in the store again.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I know you really liked her.
Shh shh shh.
It's okay.
I still have my number-one girl.
Deborah! This is Deborah.
She delivers coconut water.
This weekend, we're driving to the Jersey shore to have sex.
In a marriott.
You want something? Because I think I want to close the store down for a while.
When the gate goes down, Bobby goes to town.
Suddenly, looking at colon polyps doesn't seem so terrible.
I miss lockdown.
Oh, Deborah! Nice! [Laughs.]
You guys, I'm gonna get more drinks, you want anything? - Mm-mmm.
- Um, just a beer And skill.
It's your shot, champ.
[Whispers.]
I'm gonna [bleep.]
your girlfriend.
[Ball clatters, rolls away.]
What is wrong with you? Whoa, hey.
What's going on? Ask her.
She just told me she was gonna have sex with you.
[Laughing.]
I was just kidding.
Okay, I'm sure you're overreacting.
Um, if anything, I'm under-reacting.
I should be challenging her to a duel.
But she's a she, plus I haven't been in a fight since the sixth grade, so it's complicated.
What is going on here, Ness? Tell me nothing's happening between you two.
Tell me.
You do know if you don't say anything that means something is happening? Just be quick.
No, nothing is happening.
Exactly It's just Alex and I have all this history and it's a little confusing.
Well, okay, not for me.
I like you.
But if you can't tell me you like me more than her, I mean, if that's confusing for you, then, I guess I should just do the noble thing, step aside and go.
Great.
Alright, well, that was a completely emasculating experience.
But, at least I know I am not criticized.
So big win for me.
Evening, ladies.
Don't beat yourself up, Jay.
It's not easy to pitch against a switch hitter.
I'm okay.
Back to being single and going to the bathroom with the door open so I can watch TV.
Oh, you make being lonely so romantic.
Oh, I gotta go.
Uh Stay strong.
Watch something on the O network.
Well, I have to say I'm impressed.
Despite the model emergency, you were really able to salvage this thing.
Splendid work, Paul.
Of course, we're gonna need some better talent going forward.
No offence, dear, it's just you're tiny but - thick.
- None taken.
Well, we can all agree Tina is morbidly obese, you really should be thanking her, not me.
This whole thing was her idea.
Without her quick thinking last night, we wouldn't have anything.
She deserves being a lot more than just an assisstant.
Hey.
Thanks, that was um, really nice.
- Especially for you.
- Actually I am pretty nice.
Just character flawed.
I thought it was just a side effect of all the urine we inhaled.
But, um, I guess I'll have to guess used to it.
I guess so.