In Living Color (1990) s01e10 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color - What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine - In living color How would you feel knowingeverybody was your friend From thin to thickand through thick and thin And egotistical tripswas put to an end - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- [Applause, Cheering.]
Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
- What's up? How y'all doin'? - [Yelling.]
- All right, good, you ready to have some fun? - [Audience.]
Yeah.
! All right, cool, cool.
Well, I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans and this is In Living Color.
You know, uh.
.
.
I just want to ask you guys something.
Mike Tyson invited me to come, like, check out his fight.
- Y'all think it's a setup? - [Laughing.]
I figured I'd tell the world so if anything happens.
.
.
you guys know what's up, okay? Be watching my back.
Before we get started, say hello to my D.
J.
.
.
S.
W.
One.
[Applause, Cheering.]
My Fly Girls, starting over here with Cari.
.
.
- Deidre, Carrie Ann, Michelle and Lisa.
- [Cheering, Applause.]
All right, give us a few seconds, we'll be back, sit tight.
Hit it.
You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon [Announcer.]
Are you bored? Nothing to do? Is your family quality time likefamily nap time? Well, wake up.
! It's time for fun withthe Michael Jackson Potato Head Kit.
[Chuckles.]
That's right.
Capture the many facesof Michael Jackson.
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with the Michael JacksonPotato Head Kit.
Four hundred molded,plastic facial features.
.
.
allow kids to reconstructMichael's ever-changing face.
.
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after every single one ofhis plastic surgery operations.
I made my MichaelJackson Potato Head look like he looked.
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when he was with theJackson Five, with a strong Afro-American nose.
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.
and a big 'Fro.
I made my Michael Potato Head into the Michael of April, 1986.
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right before his third nose job.
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but after his extensive cheekbone reconstruction.
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and the cleft added to his chin.
[Announcer.]
Now, keepingthe April 1986 face as it is.
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replace the hairwith hairpiece number 139-D.
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.
and look who you'vejust made.
It's Michael Jackson'sown idol.
.
.
Diana Ross.
! Now, just addmole number five-D.
.
.
and you've made Michael'sfabulous sister, Janet.
Take away the nose completely,and you'vejust made LaToya.
Look, everybody! I've made Michael look.
.
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just like he looked on the front of his Bad album.
That's great, son.
But you know, something's just not quite right.
I know.
[Announcer.]
That's right.
With justan ordinary kitchen vegetable peeler.
.
.
you can simulate Michael's chemicalface peel and dermabrasion scrubs.
The only limits areyour family's imagination.
There is no end tothe maxio facialary fun.
The Michael JacksonPotato Head Kit from Dem-Co.
Mashed potato liposuctionaccessory sold separately.
[Announcer.]
He's a lover, he's a fighter.
He's Keenenand Damon's brother.
- You've seen him spin recordson In Living Color.
- [Grunts.]
Now see him fight crimein his screen debut.
The Wayans Company, in associationwith Tiger Beat magazine.
.
.
is proud to present S.
W.
Onein DiscJockey, Death Jockey.
Coming soon to a theater near you.
[Both.]
We'll be there.
The "ambiquity" that I feel.
.
.
never justifies itself.
There's always the pungent odor of life's constipation.
.
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that surreptitiously conflicts with the detrimental instability.
.
.
hitherto fore, six-eight, who do we appreciate.
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the unification of Congress.
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.
[Chuckles.]
Excuse me.
Condoms.
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demystifying the squalor of profanity.
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regurgitating over and over again.
Here, let me digress my bowels for a minute.
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and invite to the front the nondescript hernia.
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rectifies the miscommunication of fetal, or fecal.
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depending on where your head is at.
[Announcer.]
Reading is fundamental.
Do not be persecuted by the pompous fedora.
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balanced by the equilibrium fortified.
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by the government's inability to eradicate.
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.
or foreshadow, taken from the Hebrew word.
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foreskin.
[Announcer.]
Paid for by.
.
.
Now, Edna Louise, I want you to sit down.
.
.
and I want you to write an apology letter to Mr.
Ferguson.
Pulling off the principal's hairpiece was not very nice.
- Yeah, but sure was funny.
- What did you say? - I said, sure, honey.
- Don't be a smarty-pants.
As for you, Parnell, there'll be no talking from you.
You're in enough trouble as it is.
Parnell, you're in enough trouble as it is.
Hey, it's your fault I'm in here, Edna.
How do you figure that? You're the one who gave Mrs.
Key my chocolate bar in the first place.
You should have told me it was a laxative, Pukus-Maximus! - You snooze you lose.
- Blow it out your hiney-horn! Good one.
Dear Mr.
Ferguson, I am so sorry that you are baldheaded.
.
.
and trying to hide it with that ugly wig that doesn't fool anybody.
And I am also very sorry that you are fat and ugly.
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and nobody likes you, not even your wife.
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because your breath smells like roadkill.
I hope you will accept my apology.
Edna Louise.
There.
I think he'll like it.
Hey, we're not supposed to be talking, Barf-a-saurus.
- I do not wish to be trapped in your web of intrigue.
- Parnell, look.
Dance with the dead! Dance with the dead! Dance with the dead! That skeleton is an example of biological petrification.
.
.
and is to be used for scientific purposes only.
- Oh, yeah? Well, I think it looks like your mom.
- Does not! Does too! Hey, Mrs.
Parnell, you look like you lost some weight.
You know something, you and that butt-head seem to have the same bone structure.
Would you like to dance over here? Dance with the dead! Dance with the.
.
.
Uh-oh! - Hey, Parnell.
- Way to go! - [Laughs.]
Parnell? Parnell? Parnell? Parnell? - I'm not listening! - Yes, you are.
- Am not.
- Are so.
- Am not.
- Are so.
- Am not.
Are so! - You better stop.
.
.
- You better stop.
.
.
- I hate it when.
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.
- I hate it when.
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.
- I sorta.
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.
- I sorta.
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.
- Mrs.
Keegan! - Mrs.
Keegan! Hey, Parnell, here's my impression of you.
[Babbling.]
Shut up.
- My teeth don't look like that.
- They do so! Watch out, everyone! Here comes Parnell's teeth! [Screams.]
They'll eat you up! Hey, Parnell, look! [Babbling.]
Must beJapanese for dog weenie.
- I'm sure.
- Parnell, look at this.
It's my old friend, Toady Woady Noady Goady.
Ribbit! - It's not a toad, it's a frog.
You don't even know what kind.
- Oh, duh.
I do too.
It's a dead frog.
It's a South American speckled leaper.
.
.
- thank you very much, miss.
- Oh, Parnell.
- You are so smart.
I can't believe it.
- Yeah? You know what, Parnell? I heard that if you, um.
.
.
hold your hand up to your face and your hand is bigger.
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.
that means you're super-intelligent.
- So that must mean I'm really a genius.
- Not! Oh, way to go, Edna! Now my nose is starting to bleed! Parnell.
Parnell, hey, I know how to fix a nosebleed.
- How? - You have to lie on a flat surface.
- Here, you better lie on Miss Keegan's desk.
- What? And you have to put your legs up in the air.
And-And you have to hold something in-between your legs.
And-And then.
.
.
And you have to plug your ears up.
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and you have to say, "Snot, snot," over and over again.
- That's not gonna work! - It is too! Just do it! Snot, snot, snot.
Oh! Snot, snot, snot, snot, snot.
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.
snot, snot, snot, snot, snot.
.
.
- What's going on here? - Mrs.
Keegan.
.
.
this is not conducive to the educative process.
Parnell has gone completely out of his mind.
I cannot think straight.
.
.
.
Snot, snot, snot, snot.
.
.
- Edna.
Edna Louise, get your books.
Edna, get your books.
Come on.
Shh.
I think we'd better leave very quietly.
Parnell is having problems.
Yes.
You know something else, Mrs.
Keegan? I think I'd better stay home from school tomorrow.
.
.
- because I've been through a terrible trauma.
- Snot, snot, snot, snot.
[Rap.]
[Man.]
Welcome to UncleJoe's Fairytales and Barbecue Recipes.
Once upon a time in a land not so far away,there lived a gal named Rapunzle.
She was pretty.
I mean, she was fine.
But her daddy didn't want anyof the young men to mess with her.
Huh.
You know what I mean.
So he built this tall castleso that nobody could get to her.
Rapunzle! Rapunzle! There is no maiden fairer than thee.
On first, I fell in love with thee.
.
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portend, my fair maiden, and let me prove thyself to thou.
If only I was a bird and could fly up to thee.
But that my heart could soar on wings of love.
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for thee, fair maiden, Rapunzle! I ain't understood a word you said.
Rapunzle don't live here no more.
She got evicted.
Now my name is Batwinda Molica HightowerJr.
And I on the cusp of Virgo.
So why don't you just come on up here and bust that rescue move? Look here, baby, uh, throw down those curly locks.
.
.
and I'll climb on up and we'll get busy.
[Chuckles.]
Ouch.
! Ohh.
! Damn hair weave! You shouldn't have pulled it so hard, stupid! The Old Train Good morning, everybody.
I'm Hubert.
.
.
No, I'm-I'm Fred.
.
.
- Am I Ron O'Neil? - Don Cornelius.
Don Cornelius.
And my guests today come all the way from Ethiopia.
- That's England.
- England.
Ethiopia, England.
But before we get to that, let's get to this, a group.
.
.
Tell them the name of the group.
- Fine One Carnival.
- Fine Young Cannibals.
That's right, Fine Young Cannibals.
But before we get to that, let's get to a groove.
.
.
that's sure enough gonna make you want to boogie while you woogie, boogie.
.
.
- On the dance floor! - On the dance floor.
My main man, Fat G.
- That's Heavy D! - And the Boys.
[Rap.]
And right now, I'd like you to meet two members of my family.
- Old Train Dancers.
- Yes, two of the Old Train Dancers.
- And you are, young man? - Methuselah.
- And you? - Jane Pittman.
As you both know, you have 20 seconds.
.
.
to correctly unscramble the name of a very famous talking horse.
And I'll give you a hint.
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.
it's not Lionel Richie.
And while they do that, we'll do this.
[Pop.]
[Singing.]
Yes.
And you are? - [Singing Off-key.]
- Yes, and you? Oh, yes, yes.
You all must be.
.
.
very.
.
.
very proud of your success.
[English Accent.]
Well, we first started out.
.
.
Will you come back and do another song for us? Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Fine One Mammal.
Yes, that's all the time we have for boogeying today.
And I'm Don.
.
.
Corleone.
And, as usual, it's always in parting.
.
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that we wish you love, peace and.
.
.
[All.]
Soul! The Old Train Old Train Old Train [Rap.]
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Roger Spittman for the Wild World of Sports.
And welcome to the final round.
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of the Tenth Annual Sweethearts Bodybuilding Competition.
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here in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada.
It's the greased-up pose portion of the show.
The action has been pretty fierce here.
And here comes our first competitor.
She's Sara Sunkist from Salamander, California.
[Whooping, Hollering.]
[Spittman.]
This is her first finals.
.
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not a lot of muscle mass,and still quite feminine.
And quite frankly, I don't like thatand neither do thejudges.
She's gonna havea tough time here today.
Next is Carla Meals.
She's 5 foot 7, 140 pounds.
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from Beaverton, Wisconsin.
Pretty good definition.
But she's having trouble gettingrid of those darn breasts.
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and that's gonna count against her.
I mean, look at them.
Theyjust won't go away.
- And finally, the competitoreveryone's been waiting to see.
- Vera.
! Vera.
! Vera.
! - Vera! Vera! Vera! Vera! Vera! Vera! - You can feel the anticipation.
Oh, boy.
! Oh, boy.
! Yeah.
! What an entrance.
! The lady, the controversy,the production.
Vera DeMilo.
Oh, she is awesome.
! Some say she's gone too far,but I have to disagree.
Of course, she's the onlywoman on the circuit who goesto the bathroom standing up.
Oh, yeah,she is working it tonight.
She is in top.
.
.
Oh.
! Oh.
!Look there.
! There she goes.
Showing her feminine side withthe pregnant obstetric push.
It's her ode tothe mystery of motherhood.
Oh, baby.
! She is hard as a rock.
! Magnificent.
! [Applause.]
- After a performance like that, can there be any doubt? - [Woman.]
No.
! Ladies and gentlemen, the judges have come to a decision.
And the winner is.
.
.
Miss Vera DeMilo! Congratulations on a great victory for you, princess.
Now the reports are that you have used steroids.
Uh, do you care to comment on that, little lady? [Husky Voice.]
Yes, I would, Roger.
I don't know who's starting those rumors.
.
.
but I do know that there are a lot of jealous people out there.
.
.
who aren't willing to do the work it takes to look like this.
Let's face it, women see me, they want to be me.
Well said.
Well said.
Could you just tell me one more thing then, Vera? Sure.
I got to ask you this.
Uh, what is that bulge in front of your trousers? Now, now.
A girl's got to have her little secrets.
[Horse Laugh.]
That's where I keep my chewing tobacco.
And I can see that you still have that wonderfully feminine sense of humor.
- Oh, this is my boyfriend and trainer, Bart.
- And-And what a lucky man.
You're beautiful, baby.
Look at her! Isn't she beautiful? Oh! Oh! [Chanting.]
Vera.
! Vera.
! Vera.
! Vera.
! Vera.
! - Vera.
! Vera.
! - There you have it, ladies and gentlemen.
A beautiful story.
[Sniffles.]
For Wild World of Sports, I'm Roger Spittman.
Catch you next time.
Vera! Vera! Vera! Thank you.
Hope you had fun.
We'll see you next time around.
Take care.
Bye-bye! You can do what you wanna do In living color