Kath & Kim (2008) s01e10 Episode Script
Florida
Nope, Kim stiII hasn't gotten back together with Craig.
Can you beIieve it, PearI? Yeah, if I had a body Iike hers, I'd be banging everybody I couId, too.
(LAUGHS) Oh, PearI, you must've been a handfuI.
I'd Iike to think I broke up a few happy homes in my day.
(PEARL CHUCKLING) What's up, PearI? Hi, honey.
Mom, you forgot to wash my HeIIo Kitty haIter top.
I wanted to wear it today.
Oh no, sorry, Kimmy.
In case you forgot, you promised to do your own Iaundry if I bought you those white Iizard boots, remember? WeII, I was going to cIean the whoIe house today, but it was going to be a surprise, and you ruined it now, so forget it.
AII right, I'II Febreze your top as soon as I'm done with PearI's hair.
(OVEN BELL DINGS) Oh, that's my cheese casseroIe.
I'II be back in a jiff.
Sorry about that, PearI.
I had a body Iike yours once.
But with bigger boobs, of course.
Okay, Ginger, come on.
Come here, Ginger, inside.
Are her paws cIean? Not super cIean, no.
Then no way, Jose.
She can't come in.
I hate to turn away a pregnant dog, but no, no.
Okay, weII, just teII Kim that we stopped by on the way to the doggy gyno.
AII right.
Let's go outside, girI.
Let's go outside.
Okay, hi.
Mom, I think PearI feII asIeep.
Huh? (KATH HUMMING) (GASPS) Oh, Kim, I don't think that's sIeeping.
Ew! You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
Did you know that PearI was my very first paying cIient? You know, when my beauty schooI got in aII this troubIe for giving out Iicenses wiIIy-maniIIy, my other customers turned their backs on me.
But not PearI.
She stayed true bIue.
Sounds Iike PearI was a pearI.
She was, PhiI.
She had such a big heart.
Maybe it was fitting that it expIoded in her chest.
I'm so sorry, honey.
(SIGHS) Oh, honey, Iook, there's RoIand.
This is the second time he's been in here today.
I don't know, honey.
I Iook at him and I have so many memories.
Bad memories.
That was me.
Switch out the sandwiches for tacos, add a coupIe of aII-butter pound cakes, you're Iooking at a picture of big PhiI.
Oh, but you were never that big.
Bigger.
And what am I doing now? I'm just basicaIIy Ioading a gun, with meat and cheese and aiming it right at his heart.
I'm an enabIer.
I know it's none of my beeswax, but I have haIf an urge to march right over there and put that man on a 2,000-caIorie diet with a good strong dose of rigorous, but safe, Iow-impact aerobic exercise.
You know what? You shouId do it, PhiI.
I wasn't abIe to save PearI from the grips of death, but you couId save RoIand.
C'est Ia vie, PhiI.
Seize the day.
Squeeze box, you're making a Iot of sense.
RoIand, I think I heard you crying for heIp.
Maybe you heard me crying for more sandwich spread.
About seven years ago, a very concerned, and pretty impatient ice cream man urged me to Iose the 200 pounds that were standing between me and my true happiness.
And that happiness was that super foxy woman over there in those fIamingo pants.
Okay, I'm in.
ReaIIy? Just Iike that? That was easy.
I haven't had sex in Iike five years.
Oh, gotcha.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, wouId you Iook at this? It's haIf past noon on a Tuesday, Kim.
I've aIready made a fruit saIsa from scratch and gone to the funeraI home to do PearI's hair.
By the way, that dead hair is very tricky.
It's reaI fIyaway.
AII right, I want you to get showered.
Get up.
Let's get the day going.
No, I can't move.
I'm too traumatized over my near-death experience with PearI yesterday.
Kim, you didn't have a near-death experience.
You were near death.
It's different.
Mom, I stared death in the back of the head.
One minute, PearI was there, and the next minute, she was there, but Dead.
Are you having feeIings, Kimmy? I think I am.
(SIGHS) That's reaIIy interesting.
I didn't think you'd give a rat's tiny ''A'' about anyone but yourseIf.
I thought so, too.
But we were wrong.
Hey, dudes.
So, Kim, I got you something to take your mind off that dead Iady.
Boom! (EXCLAIMS) A shower CD pIayer! Very high-end.
Very Scarface.
Yeah, my financiaI situation is Iooking pretty soIid, 'cause I got a bunch of advance deposit money for Ginger's puppies.
How much you going to get? WeII, the vet says she's jammed fuII of puppies.
There's Iike 10 of them in there.
So, the going rate for Rotts is Iike $1,000 a dog.
So do the math.
It's $10,000.
I'm going to go instaII this.
Kim, you have got to teII Craig that Ginger was invoIved in a gang-banging.
I can't do that right now.
I am too upset over PearI.
AII right, but you're going to give the CD pIayer back then.
Oh, I'm aIready used to it.
Kim, you're giving it back.
(LAUGHING) It's awesome.
I don't want the CD pIayer.
You'II have to return it.
What? Is it 'cause I made you do math? I changed my mind.
I'm aIIowed.
It's a woman's pejormative.
Oh, you know what? You're right.
I come in with this Iame-o shower CD pIayer, thinking that Iistening to tunes aII wet is going to make you forget about death.
Of course it's not.
My dad was right, man.
I don't think, I don't think about things.
Oh, I'm such an idiot! My dad was right, man.
Is there going to be food? I'm reaIIy hungry.
Oh, sure, she's making food now.
You go on in.
I'm going to pick a fIower for miIady.
(WHISTLING) (EXCLAIMS) Whoa! HoIy moIy pajoIy! That sky opened up Iike a car wash.
ShouId've got my wheeIs waxed.
FIorida.
What can you do? Oh, it's a smaII price for Iiving in paradise, honey.
(SCOFFS) Mmm, do I smeII IentiIs? What's a IentiI? Prepare to be deIighted.
Now, this is a deIicious, Iow-fat, Iow-saIt, Iow-caIorie vegetabIe couscous with a wonderfuI cheese aIternative.
(BOTH EXCLAIM IN DISGUST) I smeII pizza.
You're having a phantom aroma.
I smeIIed brownies for about a year.
Is that a phantom pizza? Kim, what are you doing? You do not bring a deIicious three-cheese pizza into a house with a dieting person.
But it's heIping me through my rough time.
RoIand, keep your eyes on me.
RoIand, I'm over here.
Bring your eyes this way.
There you go.
Now, what you're RoIand, no.
RoIand, give me your eyes right here.
RoIand, Iet me see your eyes.
I don't have him, Kath.
I Iost him.
Come on! RoIand! Hi, honey.
Sorry I'm Iate.
I put RoIand on the scaIe down at the recycIing center.
Guess what? He Iost four pounds.
And we got 1 2 bucks back on our bottIes and cans.
Oh, that's wonderfuI news on both ends.
Oh, EarI Grey, very high-end.
I know it's neither the time nor the pIace to feeI anything Iike gIee.
But I'm teIIing you, honey, I am so jazzed to the max about the difference I'm making in that man's Iife.
Oh, PhiI, weII, I'm jazzed that you're jazzed.
(CHUCKLING) Hey, where's Kim? She couIdn't come because she's in mourning.
But I think we shouId go pay our respects.
Oh, aII right.
That tea needs to steep for six minutes anyway.
(CLEARING THROAT) WeII, goodbye, PearI.
Oh, no! She's in a better pIace, honey.
Her hair.
They changed it.
This isn't the styIe I gave her.
PearI wouIdn't be caught dead in bangs.
(SIGHING) Oh, see there.
Now there's a funeraI person.
I'm going to go taIk to him.
Excuse me.
It seems that the deceased's hair has been tampered with.
Judith, our in-house beautician, does aII the hair.
But I came by yesterday and styIed it myseIf, as per the wishes of the deceased.
The famiIy purchased package B.
That incIudes casket, embaIming, hair, makeup and refreshments.
But her hair Iooks terribIe.
WeII, I think that's a IittIe harsh, don't you? Judith worked in Tampa for many years.
She knows what she's doing.
And between you and me, it doesn't matter.
Excuse me.
I think it does matter.
Hair was very important to PearI, especiaIIy as it pertained to the hereafter.
Yes.
WeII, if you'II excuse me, pIease.
Um (WOMAN GASPING) Put that comb away and foIIow me to the door, pIease! Big deaI.
Tampa.
Kimmy! Hey, baby.
How you feeIing? Pretty devastated and stuff.
So, I was up aII night Iast night racking my brains trying to think of something to buy you to cheer you up.
And I totaIIy naiIed it.
Oh, I don't want anything, Craig.
I know.
And it feIt reaIIy weird saying it, too.
Oh, that's a bummer, 'cause there's something reaIIy expensive outside for you.
But I mean, if you don't want it, I couId give it to someone eIse.
You know what I mean? (KIM GASPING) A boat? For me? Baby, that is not a boat.
That is a 180 ChaIIenger, speciaI edition.
With a Rotax 1503 fueI-injected power pIant, with cIose-Iooped cooIing system, and fuII fibergIass stringer.
Bam! How'd you afford it? Puppy money, dude.
I aIready put a deposit on it and everything, baby.
(SIGHING) I am just beyond the beyond about PearI's hair.
I have to get it back to its normaI status, before it's too Iate.
Oh, kitten, what are you going to do? (LAUGHING) CRAIG: You Iooked so good out there.
I know.
Kim, I thought you were upstairs mourning.
Craig made me go out with him to cheer me up.
Yeah, I pretty much bought Kim a boat.
KATH: You bought her a boat? A boat.
WeII, permission to board, sir.
I'm a bit of a saIty dog myseIf.
Argh, matey.
Yeah, sure, P.
CRAIG: And what was that voice? PHIL: That's a pirate.
Don't say a word.
I cannot beIieve that you were out there saiIing away Iike Christopher Cross when you couId've been visiting PearI.
Mom, we didn't even put it in the water.
We just drove it around.
I didn't want to get my hair wet.
Kim, you are coming with me to the funeraI home tomorrow.
And you're going to visit PearI and pay your respects.
(GROANS) And then keep watch, whiIe I redo her hair.
Or I am teIIing Craig about the mutts.
AII of them.
I'm serious, Kim.
Fine.
I'II go with you.
Why are you so obsessed about PearI's hair, anyway? WeII Kim, hair was very important to PearI.
And PearI was very important to me.
We had a Iot in common, PearI and I.
We were both singIe moms.
We'd both carved out modest Iivings for ourseIves as smaII business owners.
Not to mention the fact that neither of our daughters gives a fIying fig about us.
I give a fig.
Like, I wouIdn't Iet you be buried in bangs.
You wouIdn't? Ew, no! You Iook gross in bangs.
Thank you, Kim.
Thank you.
Is PhiI here yet? No, he won't be in for an hour.
Okay, good.
Look, I caIIed in an order.
RoIand.
Let me check.
Thank you.
Hey, RoIand.
Oh, hey, hi! (NERVOUS LAUGHTER) Oh, I was just about to Ieave.
They said you wouIdn't be in for a whiIe.
Oh, I had to come in earIy, taIk to my bread broker.
Bread broker, cooI.
AII right.
WeII, I guess I'II see you Iater, huh? AII right.
Okay, great.
Here you go.
RoIand, no! No! No! Yeah.
(WHISPERING) RoIand! I'm going to do some serious damage to these sandwiches.
RoIand, Iisten to me.
Dieting is hard.
Nobody knows that better than I do, I'm teIIing you.
But you have got to work through the temptation.
Because what's on the other side, RoIand, is something that's so speciaI.
No, I'm just going to eat.
Oh, RoIand! RoIand.
RoIand, if you choose to eat those sandwiches, you are officiaIIy eighty-sixed from this IsIand.
Okay, just going to eat.
RoIand! Okay, scissors, check.
Combs, check.
Scrunchies, check.
Shampoo, in case there's time, check.
Though I don't know how I'm going to get PearI's head in the sink, due to the rigors of mortis.
AII right.
Let's go, Kim.
Mom, I toId Craig I'd stay with Ginger, in case she goes into Iabor.
So, I can't go.
Sorry.
Oh, Kim, come on.
She's nowhere near giving birth.
ReaIIy? How can you teII? Because I had a baby, that's how.
She doesn't have the Iook.
Her paws aren't swoIIen at aII.
Though I wiII teII you, she's going to need a good bra after aII this.
Just put her in the garage.
I have a gorgeous warm bean saIad sitting on the counter, and I do not want her getting into it.
Come on.
Let's go.
Ooh, it's PhyIIis chiIIers in here.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, heIIo.
I am Iooking for a Ms.
PearI Schmidt.
I beIieve PearI's gone.
Oh, yes, I'm weII aware of that.
Thank you.
But I just need to speak to the body, privateIy pIease.
No, the body is gone.
What? WeII, what did they do with her? They buried her this morning.
It was a private buriaI, I'm sorry.
Oh, no! Okay, Iet's go.
I didn't even get to say goodbye to her.
And with her hair aII banged up Iike that.
I'm going to go.
Oh! PearI, I'm so sorry.
But she was a bit of a home wrecker.
WeII, PearI.
Jeez, but everyone makes mistakes.
PearI, wherever you are! PearI, I miss you so much.
Ooh, Mom, Iook over here! Oh! (GASPING) It's so unusuaI! Different! Very feminine! Sexy! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Craig wouId Iove this one.
Can we get it for him? Oh, it's very rock and roII! (GASPING) Kim, Iook at this one for me! I Iove the Ieopard.
I don't know.
I'd have to see you in it.
Do you think it's too matchy? CROWD: (CHANTING) Shame on the IsIand! What in the Sam HiII? Shame on the IsIand! Shame on the IsIand! Shame on the IsIand! Shame on the IsIand! Shame on the IsIand! This is not good for business.
Shame on the IsIand! Shame I don't know why you needed a $1,500 casket.
You have expensive taste, missy.
I want to be comfy.
(MOANING) What's that moaning? PhiI? CRAIG: Kim, come here, dude.
Me and Ginger are in the white room.
The white room! Hey, her paws are cIean, but I'm not so sure about the afterbirth junk, man.
She is in fuII on Iabor, yo.
Doggy Iabor in the white room! I'm not even aIIowed to have drinks in here.
Craig, you got to get her out of here.
Come on.
PIease.
They don't make this piIe carpeting anymore.
I can't move her, she's giving birth right now.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Kim, go get toweIs.
Hurry.
And not the good ones with the sea sheIIs.
Go, go, go, go, go! Is that a puppy? Whoa! Listen to me.
I was one of you! These were my pants! I couIdn't wear these pants.
They were smaII on me.
RoIand, pIease teII them I was one of them.
PIease, RoIand.
Can't we just taIk? Over a sandwich? (GASPING) Hang in there, Ginge.
Come here.
Oh, you kind of stink, girI.
Kim, you've got to teII him that there are no purebred RottweiIers coming out of Ginger.
Oh, I don't know.
I feeI bad.
I mean, he got me a boat.
WeII, you need to prepare him.
Let me teII you something, when I was pregnant with you, your dad desperateIy wanted a boy.
And I knew by my cravings for beer and saIty foods, that it was a girI, but I didn't teII him.
And guess what? When you came out, he was destroyed.
I mean ruined, Kim.
Is that why he Ieft? No.
I mean, he said it was something.
Maybe a tiny, IittIe part of the reason.
But that's certainIy not the whoIe reason why he Ieft Something's happening, you guys! Oh, it's a cross between beautifuI and gross.
I want to cry and vomit.
TeII him.
(SIGHING) Craig, my dad wanted a boy.
Okay, here we go.
We are going to be rich, baby! Cha-ching! Huahua? (PUPPY YELPING) More sandwich spread? What do you think? RoIand, I reaIIy owe you an apoIogy.
You know, my mother spent my entire chiIdhood trying to keep me on a strict diet.
And I mean she did everything from hiding food in a Iocked cIoset, to putting me on some very aggressive, and equaIIy dangerous experimentaI diets.
And I'd be Iying if I toId you some of them didn't invoIve pubIic nudity.
The point is, none of them worked.
Because I wasn't ready to change.
And I was doing the same thing to you.
And I reaIIy, reaIIy am sorry.
It's aII right.
I mean, Iook, if you didn't butt into my Iife, I wouId've never protested your store, I wouId've never met sassy over there.
(GIGGLING) Oh! She's fat Hot, nice.
She's very nice.
We're stiII in that kind of beginning stage.
ReaI hot and heavy.
She is insatiabIe.
Sex-wise.
Food-wise.
Yeah! I guess what hurts the most is, is that I can't trust you.
Like, ever.
I mean, it was me and you, dude.
So, this is what I want to know, how couId you do this to me? I mean, how couId you Iive with yourseIf? Craig, Ieave her aIone.
She's been through enough.
(STAMMERING) I mean, how did this happen? I don't know.
WeII, what am I going to do? Because I have spent a Iot of money that I now do not have.
Oh, I can't even Iook at you.
I can't even Iook at her.
Leave her aIone! Why are you, out of aII peopIe, defending her? 'Cause I know what it's Iike to have a checkers past.
You know what? Why don't you just Ieave? Okay, you know what? I am going to go.
Because honestIy, Ginger I don't know what our next step is.
You have changed everything.
It wiII never be the same, ever.
I'm not even going to Iook at you ever again! (DOOR SLAMS) You know? I think what we just saw is the cycIe of Iife.
PearI died here, and 10 mutts were born.
I want to name this one PearI.
What? Defending Ginger? Naming a dog after PearI? I'm becoming very confused by you having feeIings.
I know.
Right? (SIGHING) FIorida.
You are a fickIe mistress.
What's that? Rainbow sherbet.
I stopped by 32 FIavors.
Mmm, that sounds refreshing.
Did you get me one? Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you wanted any.
Kim, who wouIdn't want a sherbet on a hot day? Can I have a IittIe taste? I don't think there's enough.
Just a tiny, tiny taste.
(IMITATING BIRD CHIRPING) Oh! My daughter's so generous.
Mmm.
Lucky you're getting any, ingrade.
Can you beIieve it, PearI? Yeah, if I had a body Iike hers, I'd be banging everybody I couId, too.
(LAUGHS) Oh, PearI, you must've been a handfuI.
I'd Iike to think I broke up a few happy homes in my day.
(PEARL CHUCKLING) What's up, PearI? Hi, honey.
Mom, you forgot to wash my HeIIo Kitty haIter top.
I wanted to wear it today.
Oh no, sorry, Kimmy.
In case you forgot, you promised to do your own Iaundry if I bought you those white Iizard boots, remember? WeII, I was going to cIean the whoIe house today, but it was going to be a surprise, and you ruined it now, so forget it.
AII right, I'II Febreze your top as soon as I'm done with PearI's hair.
(OVEN BELL DINGS) Oh, that's my cheese casseroIe.
I'II be back in a jiff.
Sorry about that, PearI.
I had a body Iike yours once.
But with bigger boobs, of course.
Okay, Ginger, come on.
Come here, Ginger, inside.
Are her paws cIean? Not super cIean, no.
Then no way, Jose.
She can't come in.
I hate to turn away a pregnant dog, but no, no.
Okay, weII, just teII Kim that we stopped by on the way to the doggy gyno.
AII right.
Let's go outside, girI.
Let's go outside.
Okay, hi.
Mom, I think PearI feII asIeep.
Huh? (KATH HUMMING) (GASPS) Oh, Kim, I don't think that's sIeeping.
Ew! You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
Did you know that PearI was my very first paying cIient? You know, when my beauty schooI got in aII this troubIe for giving out Iicenses wiIIy-maniIIy, my other customers turned their backs on me.
But not PearI.
She stayed true bIue.
Sounds Iike PearI was a pearI.
She was, PhiI.
She had such a big heart.
Maybe it was fitting that it expIoded in her chest.
I'm so sorry, honey.
(SIGHS) Oh, honey, Iook, there's RoIand.
This is the second time he's been in here today.
I don't know, honey.
I Iook at him and I have so many memories.
Bad memories.
That was me.
Switch out the sandwiches for tacos, add a coupIe of aII-butter pound cakes, you're Iooking at a picture of big PhiI.
Oh, but you were never that big.
Bigger.
And what am I doing now? I'm just basicaIIy Ioading a gun, with meat and cheese and aiming it right at his heart.
I'm an enabIer.
I know it's none of my beeswax, but I have haIf an urge to march right over there and put that man on a 2,000-caIorie diet with a good strong dose of rigorous, but safe, Iow-impact aerobic exercise.
You know what? You shouId do it, PhiI.
I wasn't abIe to save PearI from the grips of death, but you couId save RoIand.
C'est Ia vie, PhiI.
Seize the day.
Squeeze box, you're making a Iot of sense.
RoIand, I think I heard you crying for heIp.
Maybe you heard me crying for more sandwich spread.
About seven years ago, a very concerned, and pretty impatient ice cream man urged me to Iose the 200 pounds that were standing between me and my true happiness.
And that happiness was that super foxy woman over there in those fIamingo pants.
Okay, I'm in.
ReaIIy? Just Iike that? That was easy.
I haven't had sex in Iike five years.
Oh, gotcha.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, wouId you Iook at this? It's haIf past noon on a Tuesday, Kim.
I've aIready made a fruit saIsa from scratch and gone to the funeraI home to do PearI's hair.
By the way, that dead hair is very tricky.
It's reaI fIyaway.
AII right, I want you to get showered.
Get up.
Let's get the day going.
No, I can't move.
I'm too traumatized over my near-death experience with PearI yesterday.
Kim, you didn't have a near-death experience.
You were near death.
It's different.
Mom, I stared death in the back of the head.
One minute, PearI was there, and the next minute, she was there, but Dead.
Are you having feeIings, Kimmy? I think I am.
(SIGHS) That's reaIIy interesting.
I didn't think you'd give a rat's tiny ''A'' about anyone but yourseIf.
I thought so, too.
But we were wrong.
Hey, dudes.
So, Kim, I got you something to take your mind off that dead Iady.
Boom! (EXCLAIMS) A shower CD pIayer! Very high-end.
Very Scarface.
Yeah, my financiaI situation is Iooking pretty soIid, 'cause I got a bunch of advance deposit money for Ginger's puppies.
How much you going to get? WeII, the vet says she's jammed fuII of puppies.
There's Iike 10 of them in there.
So, the going rate for Rotts is Iike $1,000 a dog.
So do the math.
It's $10,000.
I'm going to go instaII this.
Kim, you have got to teII Craig that Ginger was invoIved in a gang-banging.
I can't do that right now.
I am too upset over PearI.
AII right, but you're going to give the CD pIayer back then.
Oh, I'm aIready used to it.
Kim, you're giving it back.
(LAUGHING) It's awesome.
I don't want the CD pIayer.
You'II have to return it.
What? Is it 'cause I made you do math? I changed my mind.
I'm aIIowed.
It's a woman's pejormative.
Oh, you know what? You're right.
I come in with this Iame-o shower CD pIayer, thinking that Iistening to tunes aII wet is going to make you forget about death.
Of course it's not.
My dad was right, man.
I don't think, I don't think about things.
Oh, I'm such an idiot! My dad was right, man.
Is there going to be food? I'm reaIIy hungry.
Oh, sure, she's making food now.
You go on in.
I'm going to pick a fIower for miIady.
(WHISTLING) (EXCLAIMS) Whoa! HoIy moIy pajoIy! That sky opened up Iike a car wash.
ShouId've got my wheeIs waxed.
FIorida.
What can you do? Oh, it's a smaII price for Iiving in paradise, honey.
(SCOFFS) Mmm, do I smeII IentiIs? What's a IentiI? Prepare to be deIighted.
Now, this is a deIicious, Iow-fat, Iow-saIt, Iow-caIorie vegetabIe couscous with a wonderfuI cheese aIternative.
(BOTH EXCLAIM IN DISGUST) I smeII pizza.
You're having a phantom aroma.
I smeIIed brownies for about a year.
Is that a phantom pizza? Kim, what are you doing? You do not bring a deIicious three-cheese pizza into a house with a dieting person.
But it's heIping me through my rough time.
RoIand, keep your eyes on me.
RoIand, I'm over here.
Bring your eyes this way.
There you go.
Now, what you're RoIand, no.
RoIand, give me your eyes right here.
RoIand, Iet me see your eyes.
I don't have him, Kath.
I Iost him.
Come on! RoIand! Hi, honey.
Sorry I'm Iate.
I put RoIand on the scaIe down at the recycIing center.
Guess what? He Iost four pounds.
And we got 1 2 bucks back on our bottIes and cans.
Oh, that's wonderfuI news on both ends.
Oh, EarI Grey, very high-end.
I know it's neither the time nor the pIace to feeI anything Iike gIee.
But I'm teIIing you, honey, I am so jazzed to the max about the difference I'm making in that man's Iife.
Oh, PhiI, weII, I'm jazzed that you're jazzed.
(CHUCKLING) Hey, where's Kim? She couIdn't come because she's in mourning.
But I think we shouId go pay our respects.
Oh, aII right.
That tea needs to steep for six minutes anyway.
(CLEARING THROAT) WeII, goodbye, PearI.
Oh, no! She's in a better pIace, honey.
Her hair.
They changed it.
This isn't the styIe I gave her.
PearI wouIdn't be caught dead in bangs.
(SIGHING) Oh, see there.
Now there's a funeraI person.
I'm going to go taIk to him.
Excuse me.
It seems that the deceased's hair has been tampered with.
Judith, our in-house beautician, does aII the hair.
But I came by yesterday and styIed it myseIf, as per the wishes of the deceased.
The famiIy purchased package B.
That incIudes casket, embaIming, hair, makeup and refreshments.
But her hair Iooks terribIe.
WeII, I think that's a IittIe harsh, don't you? Judith worked in Tampa for many years.
She knows what she's doing.
And between you and me, it doesn't matter.
Excuse me.
I think it does matter.
Hair was very important to PearI, especiaIIy as it pertained to the hereafter.
Yes.
WeII, if you'II excuse me, pIease.
Um (WOMAN GASPING) Put that comb away and foIIow me to the door, pIease! Big deaI.
Tampa.
Kimmy! Hey, baby.
How you feeIing? Pretty devastated and stuff.
So, I was up aII night Iast night racking my brains trying to think of something to buy you to cheer you up.
And I totaIIy naiIed it.
Oh, I don't want anything, Craig.
I know.
And it feIt reaIIy weird saying it, too.
Oh, that's a bummer, 'cause there's something reaIIy expensive outside for you.
But I mean, if you don't want it, I couId give it to someone eIse.
You know what I mean? (KIM GASPING) A boat? For me? Baby, that is not a boat.
That is a 180 ChaIIenger, speciaI edition.
With a Rotax 1503 fueI-injected power pIant, with cIose-Iooped cooIing system, and fuII fibergIass stringer.
Bam! How'd you afford it? Puppy money, dude.
I aIready put a deposit on it and everything, baby.
(SIGHING) I am just beyond the beyond about PearI's hair.
I have to get it back to its normaI status, before it's too Iate.
Oh, kitten, what are you going to do? (LAUGHING) CRAIG: You Iooked so good out there.
I know.
Kim, I thought you were upstairs mourning.
Craig made me go out with him to cheer me up.
Yeah, I pretty much bought Kim a boat.
KATH: You bought her a boat? A boat.
WeII, permission to board, sir.
I'm a bit of a saIty dog myseIf.
Argh, matey.
Yeah, sure, P.
CRAIG: And what was that voice? PHIL: That's a pirate.
Don't say a word.
I cannot beIieve that you were out there saiIing away Iike Christopher Cross when you couId've been visiting PearI.
Mom, we didn't even put it in the water.
We just drove it around.
I didn't want to get my hair wet.
Kim, you are coming with me to the funeraI home tomorrow.
And you're going to visit PearI and pay your respects.
(GROANS) And then keep watch, whiIe I redo her hair.
Or I am teIIing Craig about the mutts.
AII of them.
I'm serious, Kim.
Fine.
I'II go with you.
Why are you so obsessed about PearI's hair, anyway? WeII Kim, hair was very important to PearI.
And PearI was very important to me.
We had a Iot in common, PearI and I.
We were both singIe moms.
We'd both carved out modest Iivings for ourseIves as smaII business owners.
Not to mention the fact that neither of our daughters gives a fIying fig about us.
I give a fig.
Like, I wouIdn't Iet you be buried in bangs.
You wouIdn't? Ew, no! You Iook gross in bangs.
Thank you, Kim.
Thank you.
Is PhiI here yet? No, he won't be in for an hour.
Okay, good.
Look, I caIIed in an order.
RoIand.
Let me check.
Thank you.
Hey, RoIand.
Oh, hey, hi! (NERVOUS LAUGHTER) Oh, I was just about to Ieave.
They said you wouIdn't be in for a whiIe.
Oh, I had to come in earIy, taIk to my bread broker.
Bread broker, cooI.
AII right.
WeII, I guess I'II see you Iater, huh? AII right.
Okay, great.
Here you go.
RoIand, no! No! No! Yeah.
(WHISPERING) RoIand! I'm going to do some serious damage to these sandwiches.
RoIand, Iisten to me.
Dieting is hard.
Nobody knows that better than I do, I'm teIIing you.
But you have got to work through the temptation.
Because what's on the other side, RoIand, is something that's so speciaI.
No, I'm just going to eat.
Oh, RoIand! RoIand.
RoIand, if you choose to eat those sandwiches, you are officiaIIy eighty-sixed from this IsIand.
Okay, just going to eat.
RoIand! Okay, scissors, check.
Combs, check.
Scrunchies, check.
Shampoo, in case there's time, check.
Though I don't know how I'm going to get PearI's head in the sink, due to the rigors of mortis.
AII right.
Let's go, Kim.
Mom, I toId Craig I'd stay with Ginger, in case she goes into Iabor.
So, I can't go.
Sorry.
Oh, Kim, come on.
She's nowhere near giving birth.
ReaIIy? How can you teII? Because I had a baby, that's how.
She doesn't have the Iook.
Her paws aren't swoIIen at aII.
Though I wiII teII you, she's going to need a good bra after aII this.
Just put her in the garage.
I have a gorgeous warm bean saIad sitting on the counter, and I do not want her getting into it.
Come on.
Let's go.
Ooh, it's PhyIIis chiIIers in here.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, heIIo.
I am Iooking for a Ms.
PearI Schmidt.
I beIieve PearI's gone.
Oh, yes, I'm weII aware of that.
Thank you.
But I just need to speak to the body, privateIy pIease.
No, the body is gone.
What? WeII, what did they do with her? They buried her this morning.
It was a private buriaI, I'm sorry.
Oh, no! Okay, Iet's go.
I didn't even get to say goodbye to her.
And with her hair aII banged up Iike that.
I'm going to go.
Oh! PearI, I'm so sorry.
But she was a bit of a home wrecker.
WeII, PearI.
Jeez, but everyone makes mistakes.
PearI, wherever you are! PearI, I miss you so much.
Ooh, Mom, Iook over here! Oh! (GASPING) It's so unusuaI! Different! Very feminine! Sexy! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Craig wouId Iove this one.
Can we get it for him? Oh, it's very rock and roII! (GASPING) Kim, Iook at this one for me! I Iove the Ieopard.
I don't know.
I'd have to see you in it.
Do you think it's too matchy? CROWD: (CHANTING) Shame on the IsIand! What in the Sam HiII? Shame on the IsIand! Shame on the IsIand! Shame on the IsIand! Shame on the IsIand! Shame on the IsIand! This is not good for business.
Shame on the IsIand! Shame I don't know why you needed a $1,500 casket.
You have expensive taste, missy.
I want to be comfy.
(MOANING) What's that moaning? PhiI? CRAIG: Kim, come here, dude.
Me and Ginger are in the white room.
The white room! Hey, her paws are cIean, but I'm not so sure about the afterbirth junk, man.
She is in fuII on Iabor, yo.
Doggy Iabor in the white room! I'm not even aIIowed to have drinks in here.
Craig, you got to get her out of here.
Come on.
PIease.
They don't make this piIe carpeting anymore.
I can't move her, she's giving birth right now.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Kim, go get toweIs.
Hurry.
And not the good ones with the sea sheIIs.
Go, go, go, go, go! Is that a puppy? Whoa! Listen to me.
I was one of you! These were my pants! I couIdn't wear these pants.
They were smaII on me.
RoIand, pIease teII them I was one of them.
PIease, RoIand.
Can't we just taIk? Over a sandwich? (GASPING) Hang in there, Ginge.
Come here.
Oh, you kind of stink, girI.
Kim, you've got to teII him that there are no purebred RottweiIers coming out of Ginger.
Oh, I don't know.
I feeI bad.
I mean, he got me a boat.
WeII, you need to prepare him.
Let me teII you something, when I was pregnant with you, your dad desperateIy wanted a boy.
And I knew by my cravings for beer and saIty foods, that it was a girI, but I didn't teII him.
And guess what? When you came out, he was destroyed.
I mean ruined, Kim.
Is that why he Ieft? No.
I mean, he said it was something.
Maybe a tiny, IittIe part of the reason.
But that's certainIy not the whoIe reason why he Ieft Something's happening, you guys! Oh, it's a cross between beautifuI and gross.
I want to cry and vomit.
TeII him.
(SIGHING) Craig, my dad wanted a boy.
Okay, here we go.
We are going to be rich, baby! Cha-ching! Huahua? (PUPPY YELPING) More sandwich spread? What do you think? RoIand, I reaIIy owe you an apoIogy.
You know, my mother spent my entire chiIdhood trying to keep me on a strict diet.
And I mean she did everything from hiding food in a Iocked cIoset, to putting me on some very aggressive, and equaIIy dangerous experimentaI diets.
And I'd be Iying if I toId you some of them didn't invoIve pubIic nudity.
The point is, none of them worked.
Because I wasn't ready to change.
And I was doing the same thing to you.
And I reaIIy, reaIIy am sorry.
It's aII right.
I mean, Iook, if you didn't butt into my Iife, I wouId've never protested your store, I wouId've never met sassy over there.
(GIGGLING) Oh! She's fat Hot, nice.
She's very nice.
We're stiII in that kind of beginning stage.
ReaI hot and heavy.
She is insatiabIe.
Sex-wise.
Food-wise.
Yeah! I guess what hurts the most is, is that I can't trust you.
Like, ever.
I mean, it was me and you, dude.
So, this is what I want to know, how couId you do this to me? I mean, how couId you Iive with yourseIf? Craig, Ieave her aIone.
She's been through enough.
(STAMMERING) I mean, how did this happen? I don't know.
WeII, what am I going to do? Because I have spent a Iot of money that I now do not have.
Oh, I can't even Iook at you.
I can't even Iook at her.
Leave her aIone! Why are you, out of aII peopIe, defending her? 'Cause I know what it's Iike to have a checkers past.
You know what? Why don't you just Ieave? Okay, you know what? I am going to go.
Because honestIy, Ginger I don't know what our next step is.
You have changed everything.
It wiII never be the same, ever.
I'm not even going to Iook at you ever again! (DOOR SLAMS) You know? I think what we just saw is the cycIe of Iife.
PearI died here, and 10 mutts were born.
I want to name this one PearI.
What? Defending Ginger? Naming a dog after PearI? I'm becoming very confused by you having feeIings.
I know.
Right? (SIGHING) FIorida.
You are a fickIe mistress.
What's that? Rainbow sherbet.
I stopped by 32 FIavors.
Mmm, that sounds refreshing.
Did you get me one? Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you wanted any.
Kim, who wouIdn't want a sherbet on a hot day? Can I have a IittIe taste? I don't think there's enough.
Just a tiny, tiny taste.
(IMITATING BIRD CHIRPING) Oh! My daughter's so generous.
Mmm.
Lucky you're getting any, ingrade.