Kidding (2018) s01e10 Episode Script

1 [JILL.]
Previously on Kidding [JEFF.]
And I think that's appropriate, because it reminds us - [HORN BLARES.]
- [TIRES SCREECHING.]
I wanna do a show about death.
You do a show about death, children will run from the room in tears.
[JOANNE.]
So what do you think? It's perfect.
I'll take it.
[WOMAN.]
What do you want to say? [JEFF.]
Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar? Stop talking.
We get it.
You always know what to say.
Sometimes I don't want you to talk.
I want you to listen.
[CHICKEN CLUCKING.]
[PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
- [BLOW LANDS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
I'm gonna call you Big P.
What can I call you? Jeff Pickles.
Olympic gold medalist Ms.
Tara Lipinski.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [SLICING.]
- [CROWD SCREAMING.]
[LIGHTER FLICKING.]
[JEFF.]
Will's smoking reefer like a jazz musician.
[JILL.]
Teaching Will a magic trick isn't gonna get him to stop smoking pot.
[MARSHA.]
The National Tree Lighting.
That'll be, what, 10 million people watching? Oh, fuck.
[SEB.]
How did December get here so quickly? You are a bagpipe of insanity.
This is not insanity.
This is how honesty looks when you're inside out and upside down.
Saying yes to drugs is the biggest oops you can make.
Get between your kids and drugs.
It doesn't matter how if you want to save your child's life.
Hmm.
- [UPLIFTING MUSIC.]
- [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[WOMAN.]
Live from President's Park in the heart of the nation's capital, it's America's Christmas Tree Lighting 2018.
This year, we celebrate the festive season in a time-honored holiday tradition featuring performances from Trisha Yearwood, Wynonna Judd, The Texas Tenors, with Kathie Lee Gifford and Dean Cain.
Please welcome our host, Mr.
Jeff Pickles.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ON TV.]
- [BIRD SQUAWKING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[CROWD MURMURING.]
[MAN CLEARS THROAT.]
Your parents don't deserve you.
If they did, you wouldn't be able to walk from Los Angeles to Beijing on a bridge of floating plastic.
What's left to drink when the water has too much lead in it? The orange juice has too much sugar.
They put so many hormones in the milk, girls are spending their eighth birthday with Aunt Flo.
They want me to put Soap Scum on a tampon box.
- They want Ennui hawking antidepressants.
- [LINE TRILLS.]
[SPEAKING CROATIAN.]
You are the product of narcissism.
Your parents look at you and see their own death.
They either expect more of you than you can give them or, worse, nothing at all.
Statistically, they hate each other.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
They use you to fix their flaws.
They want you to read the books they won't.
You are the caviar of a trout.
[BIRD SQUAWKS.]
Caviar of a trout.
Your parents will always love you enough to pretend they love you.
That's why they buy you dolls, so you can practice pretending too.
Repeat after me.
Every pain needs a name.
[JOSIP.]
Every pain needs a name.
Good, that's very good.
Green means go.
- [JOSIP.]
Green means go.
- Good.
Good.
Now say, "I love you, Daddy.
" - [JOSIP.]
Why? - Just say it.
- [JOSIP.]
I love you, Daddy.
- Thank you.
Your parents are failing you.
Mine did, and yours do.
Every day.
I know this because they leave you with me.
Don't believe me? Next time you're watching my show, call out for your mom or your dad.
Do they respond? No.
Of course not.
They're avoiding you.
Mom? Your mom is chasing down a handful of Klonopin - with a Diet Dr Pepper.
- Mom? And Dad is out there drinking from the bottles that empty him.
Mom? [DEIRDRE.]
Hypothetically if I-I have an account that he doesn't know about with hundreds of thousands of dollars that was supposed to go to charity, what happens to that, um, money in the divorce? [DEIRDRE.]
I see, yeah.
I like you, the friends who visit me on television.
But I'm not your father.
And I shouldn't be.
I killed my son.
[CROWD GASPING.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
[MAN.]
Murderer! [SNIFFING.]
[JOSIP.]
Please don't use a bad word when you can I didn't listen to him.
So he didn't listen to me.
Turns out, I was a pretty good talker but a terrible listener.
Why didn't I listen? Because I can be selfish too.
If I had really listened to him, I would have heard my own flaws, my own anger.
For me to address his flaws, I would have had to admit to my own.
If I had listened to him, maybe he would have listened to me.
Maybe he would have done his homework.
Maybe he would have put on a seat belt.
Now it's almost Christmas.
Again.
And in that spirit, I want you to go to where your parents hide things.
Sometimes it's a special drawer or the linen closet.
All children know where this is.
It's where your parents hide your presents.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
I want you to open them early.
It's all right.
I say it's okay.
I don't wanna fail you anymore.
Did you get a talking Mr.
Pickles? Go ahead.
Pull the string.
[DOLLS.]
I'm listening.
I'm listening.
I'm listening.
I'm listening.
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
What did you get me for Christmas? Maddy.
Maddy! What? I'm listening.
And, Jill, if you're listening, I'm sorry.
I will always love you.
Allahu Akbar! [CROWD SCREAMING.]
We're gonna be fine.
[VOMITING.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
[NETWORK EXEC 1.]
We'll air whatever's left on the shelf, but then I-I don't know.
I like to call this an indefinite hiatus.
But if I'm PBS talking and I am I'd be lying if I said I saw the show coming back from this, animated or not.
I see.
[NETWORK EXEC 2.]
Look, we all know Jeff hasn't been the same since the car accident.
Maybe this is for the best.
You there, Seb? Hello, hi.
Fuck you.
You don't get to say that about my son.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Could I let you in on something that's bugged me for 30 years? Okay.
I've always understood how I get down to Pickle Barrel Falls.
I get in a pickle barrel, go over the falls, a parachute deploys.
What I've never understood is, how do I get back up? There's no way back up.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I never thought about that.
Derrell, do you think what I did was wrong? Yes.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I need help.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know how to help you.
Yes, you do.
You help by loving me.
I don't know how to love anyone.
You love Maddy.
You love Scott.
- I'm leaving Scott.
- What? I'm giving Maddy a divorce for Christmas.
I'm gonna tell her tonight.
Maybe I'll bake brownies.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know.
No, it's my fault.
I don't know who I am.
Somehow I know who everyone is except me.
You think I'm going insane? You know how I make a new puppet? I start with someone I know, and then, uh, I search for their essence.
I look them in the eye, and I'm thinking to myself, "Who are you, really? Are you someone who likes secrets?" [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- Are you - What? "Are you someone's opposite?" They say time and space are both immutable, governed by laws that cannot be broken.
All I have to say to that is, laws were meant to be broken.
And that's why they call me the amazing Pickle-ini! - [LAUGHTER.]
- [CLAPPING.]
"At the end of the day, what's your purpose, huh? Are you somebody's heart?" I'm sorry if my actions hurt you in any way.
Hey, I found my next relationship in a hospital hallway, so maybe I led by example.
"Are you an old soul?" [BOTH MOANING.]
"Are you the voice of God?" The general populace doesn't see you as a sexual being.
We see Mr.
Potato Head.
No one sees a man.
Thanks, Dad.
But I am a man.
I am.
Just a different kind.
So who am I, Dee? Ennui the Sad or Sy the Happy Fly? You know who you are.
Um, there's some kid here to see Jeff.
She just wandered in here without a parent.
Thanks.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
What can I do for you? [DOLL.]
I'm listening.
[PATTING COUCH.]
I'm always here to listen.
After T-ball, no one was there to get me.
So when the coach dropped me off, Mom and Dad were both home without any pants on.
[JEFF.]
Oh.
Did that make you sad? - [BOY.]
Mm-hmm.
- [JEFF.]
Hmm.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
It's gonna be okay.
Where are you going? To see Dad.
You're spending the night there tonight.
Hey, get in line.
[BOY.]
Thank you.
You talk.
I'll listen.
I had a son named Phil.
He was once your age.
He died.
So we put him in a box, and we buried him.
What does it mean to lose a thing You really want to stay? What if they sent your favorite socks A million blocks away? [ALL.]
If you knew they were warming someone else's feet - Hooray - Hooray.
Yay! [JEFF.]
Nothing you really love [ALL.]
Can ever - Go away - [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Hello? - [JILL.]
Hi, it's me.
- I know.
I know.
[JILL.]
Sorry Will didn't make it over to your place last night.
He says he's not feeling well, but I think it's girl problems.
Oh, well, he's gonna have to get used to that.
He's a heartbreaker.
[JILL.]
It was a beautiful song.
[JEFF.]
You saw that? [JILL.]
I always felt you were ashamed of Phil's death because you never talked about it in public.
You could hide behind the show and never deal with it.
[JEFF.]
I know.
[JILL.]
For what it's worth, it felt like you stopped hiding today.
[JEFF.]
I didn't think you still watched the show.
[JILL.]
I do sometimes.
- [SCREAMS.]
- [JEFF.]
Oh! I kinda got it.
[JEFF.]
I like that you visit me when I don't know you're visiting me.
[JILL.]
I know I made this whole thing about setting rules and boundaries, but I want you to know that you can come by the house whenever you like.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [JEFF.]
Tonight? - [JILL.]
If you want.
- [JEFF.]
We could go for a walk.
- [JILL.]
Sure.
- [JEFF.]
Maybe we could see a baseball game together.
[JILL.]
It's the middle of winter.
[JEFF.]
No, I don't mean tonight.
I just mean someday.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [JEFF.]
Yeah! - That was a strike.
- [JEFF.]
Oh, good.
- [JEFF.]
Hello? - [JILL.]
I'm here.
[JEFF.]
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
I thought you, uh, nodded off.
[FAINT CHATTER AND YELLING.]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY.]
[GIGGLES.]
So what's the plural of clitoris? [BONG DUDE.]
Plethoris? [BOY CHUCKLES.]
[COUPLE SMOOCHING.]
[COUPLE GIGGLING.]
[BONG DUDE.]
Baruch atah Adonai.
[GIGGLES.]
Baruch atah Adonai.
Eloheinu melech haolam.
Eloheinu melech haolam.
Hey.
What's up? Are we friends? Uh, we're your only friends.
He wasn't talking to you.
Sometimes I don't feel like myself and I do stuff I'm not proud of.
Is he talking about the chickens? Mm-mm.
I'm sorry I was stupid.
I'm sorry I was your first kiss and I was stupid.
You weren't my first kiss.
Oh.
You were mine.
Oh.
[SIGHS.]
Come to bed.
Jeff's coming over for a bit, I think.
[CROWD CHANTING.]
Drink! Drink! Drink! Oh, come on! Who's this asshole new neighbor of yours? I don't know.
Ah, there's not enough Ambien in the world.
Mm.
I have a 4 a.
m.
shift.
- I'll call the police.
- Mm.
[SIGHS.]
No.
I can be polite but firm.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
[BOTH GIGGLING.]
[CHICKEN CLUCKING.]
[BOY.]
What's up, dude? Hello.
Hey.
Anybody actually live here? Hey, I think this old guy will know.
Yo, dude, what do you call more than one clitoris? A medical condition.
[CHORTLING.]
[SIGHS.]
[PETER.]
Oh, that is fucked up.
Not you guys.
You guys, I never saw.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, turn down the music, okay? Oh.
Hey, hey, you! God, you.
I need to talk to you.
Hey there, Big P.
Jill and I are just going for a walk.
Why are your clothes in that house? What? Did you move in next door? I didn't move in.
[SIGHS.]
- Please don't tell her.
- You're hurting her.
You're I'm sorry, it's not my place to say any of this.
[SIGHS.]
She loves you, all right? You love her.
That's great.
But the more that you love her, the more you are hurting her.
'Cause you can't rebuild this.
It's impossible.
Please stop asking her to try.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
God, you're right.
I'm sorry.
I like you.
I don't wanna be the bad guy that tears your family apart.
You're not.
You're the opposite of everything I wanted you to be.
You're smart and charming and clearly you do push-ups sometimes.
Not really.
My-my father was big-chested, and you know.
When Jill and I had our falling-out my biggest fear was that I'd have to watch another man raise my child.
And now that that moment has come, I'm relieved because that other man is you.
You're terrific.
You really are.
Inside and out.
Well, that's the most wonderful thing anyone's ever said to me.
I hope I didn't overstep.
No, it's I Thank you, bud.
Thank you for saying that.
[CHUCKLES.]
The P in Big P used to stand for "pussy," but now it stands for "Peter.
" Don't worry about it.
I'll tell Jill about the house.
I'll apologize.
We'll work through this together.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
Thanks.
[PETER.]
Thanks for trusting me with Will.
Hey, do you wanna smoke a joint? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
You mean marijuana? Make you feel good.
I should go home.
[LIGHTER FLICKS.]
- Night.
- Good night.
[ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [GLASS SHATTERS.]
[GROANING.]
Oops.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
You can feel anything at all Anything at all, it's fine It's you who's doing the feeling And that makes it okay And if you don't know who you are yet You can feel anyway You can feel feelings you don't know Feelings gotta grow, like feet So feel it And you can Heal it Isn't growing up Funny And sweet?