Kirstie (2013) s01e10 Episode Script

1 Kirstie is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
- Morning.
- Morning.
And what is that flaming ball of light in the sky?! It's called the sun.
It's been all over the news.
Hey, "true blood.
" Here's your schedule.
I'm taking two days off, remember? Didn't I just give you time off to go to that spa? "Spa"? My appendix burst in a cab.
Look, I made things "Madison Banks" simple for you.
Beauty appointments are in blue, performances in black.
And what is all this in red? Drinking and slutting around.
- Sorry, Arlo.
- That's cool.
If it weren't for the red, I might not be here.
Look, I don't know what I might have said in a moment of gin-soaked generosity, but cannot possibly spare you now.
It is crazy around here.
Okay.
Does this have anything to do with me asking for time off to see my ex-husband? [gasps.]
Duke Bainbridge is in town? And people pay to see that acting? Hey, I didn't know you were married to a Duke.
Oh, he's not that kind of Duke.
- My Duke is a world-class athlete.
- More like a world-class pig.
Every time he swoops into town, he leaves poor Thelma in a puddle.
And I have to book all my own appointments.
The last time he was here, my eyebrows looked like caterpillars.
Maddie always hated Duke, but he was my first love.
We had our daughter together.
Sure, he cheated on the road, but you marry Kobe Bryant, you know what you're getting into.
[doorbell rings.]
[gasps.]
That's him.
Hey, babycakes.
Kobe Bryant? More like Kobe Beef.
Duke, you look fantastic.
I've never seen you so buff.
Well, it's probably my new regimen.
14 hours of sleep every night.
Call me when you get up to 24.
I'll send flowers.
This is Arlo, Maddie's son.
Thelma tells me you're a big-time athlete.
Yeah, a professional pool player.
Easy! Athlete has to protect his instrument.
Athlete I don't think it's a real sport if you can dangle a cigarette from your mouth while you're playing it.
I'm sorry.
My profession takes skill.
You play pretend for a living.
"Oh, there's a gentleman caller at the door.
Dee-dee.
" I beg your pardon.
So what? One lousy Tony.
I've got the Mosconi cup.
So big, you can soak your feet in it after a rough tournament.
Too bad it's not big enough for you to bathe in.
Oy! There he is.
Pharaoh of the felt, sultan of the side pocket.
- Hello, Francis.
- Hey.
Uh-uh.
Yeah, yeah.
[chuckles.]
Hey, Arlo, you see this guy? He can jump over the six to kiss the frozen two and bank it crosstown all day long.
Wow, that's impressive.
Or terrible.
I don't really know the game.
Thelma, you can have the day off, but I want you back tonight.
Oh, come on.
Really? Yes.
The last time you saw him, you reeked of bourbon and cue chalk for days.
- Hang on, I don't drink bourbon.
- Oh.
Maybe the bourbon is me.
Come on, Duke, let's get out of here.
- Okay.
- Want to get something to eat? Yeah, but I'm on my training diet.
Is there a Popeyes nearby? Hey, you sure I can't give you a lift? You still smoking the skunk? Well, just a little bit every day, so it doesn't become a habit.
- We'll get a cab.
- Okay.
[upbeat jazz music.]
[laughter.]
Another glass, milady? You never called me that before.
Or poured my wine.
Or drank wine that wasn't beer.
Thelma, I'm sorry I wasn't a better husband to you.
I've really been regretting that a lot lately.
Wow.
Listen to the new you.
Maddie won't believe this.
- And we're back to Maddie.
- Did I tell you? She texted me last night at 3:00 A.
M.
to switch her white noise machine from ocean waves to babbling brook.
And she doesn't have babbling brook, so I had to make the noise myself.
You've been complaining more about Maddie than usual.
Are you sure you're happy here? 'Cause from where I sit, that woman treats you like a slave.
That's not true.
If I save enough, I can buy my freedom.
Listen, Thelma, I've been looking back a lot lately.
And there's a reason I needed to see you this trip.
There is? Thelma, my womanizing days are behind me now.
I'm ready to make a big change in my life.
- Hello, I'm home.
- Spoiler alert.
- What? - No, I'm alerting you the spoiler's home.
Ew.
Filthy pool hall jacket on my silk sofa.
[thud.]
Okay, visiting hours are over.
Chop-chop.
Put down the shotgun, pappy.
He's leaving.
- Duke, what were you gonna tell me? - Uh, we'll talk later.
And hopefully, we won't.
- Good night.
- Good night.
[door closes.]
Always the hostess.
I'm making myself a cup of hot cocoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
I'll make it for you.
You're gonna make me cocoa? Yes, you always make it.
We've been together 15 years.
It's time I showed you how much I appreciate you.
Have a seat.
All righty.
Hot cocoa coming up.
Now you might have to walk me through the tricky parts, like where the cocoa is and how one might turn it into hot cocoa.
Just let me do it.
So you want to come hang out in my room and watch beaches? Like girlfriends do when they're totally happy with their situation and don't want to change a thing? - Okay.
What the hell is up? - You can't marry Duke.
What? W-what are you talking about? I found a ring in his jacket.
He's going to ask you to marry him.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god! That's what he was going to tell me! What should I do? I mean, he says he's changed, but has he really changed? - Who changes? People - Oh, snap out of it! He's terrible for you.
Besides, we've got a great thing here.
Oh, I know what this is about.
You're afraid you're gonna lose your little lapdog assistant.
That is a damn lie! Although I am still waiting for my cocoa.
Don't bother to call me later.
The babbling brook is broken.
You know what, Duke was right about you.
He is not! What did he say about me? Did he mention my new hair color? You don't want me to have my own life.
You know, I didn't know what I was gonna do, but you decided for me.
I'm going over to Duke's and tell him I'm gonna marry him.
No, you're not.
Give me that.
Are you crazy? Let go of my coat! No! You are making a huge mistake.
You're too matchy-matchy.
[door closes.]
[whistling.]
[shouting.]
Go! Go! Who are you [yells.]
Who are you talking to? Kid, we got a situation.
A bird got in the house.
What's the big deal? It's just a bird.
"Just a bird"? These bastards are descended from dinosaurs.
Their brains they got smaller and smaller, - but their rage grew.
- Okay.
All right, I'm going in.
Cover your eyes.
To birds, they're a delicacy.
If birds had restaurants, they couldn't stock enough human eyeballs.
Aah! [gasps.]
Oh, my god.
[gasps.]
Maddie's Tony.
I killed it.
[knock on door.]
Thelma, uh, this really isn't a good time.
I just had a huge fight with Maddie.
Look, Duke.
I know what you were going to ask me when she came in and interrupted us.
- You do? - Yes.
And I want you to know Ah, sweet mystery of life That you have not changed one bit.
You're still a damn womanizer.
at last I found you Okay, you may have changed a little bit.
Gay - Gay? - Gay.
- Super gay.
- What? When? I guess deep down I always knew I had feelings.
It's just hard for someone who was raised like me to come to terms with them.
But now that my folks and my priest are dead, I figured it was time.
So all those women on the road Dudes.
- And you and Kevin are - Engaged.
We're registered at Crate & Barrel.
No one's gotten us the fish tureen yet.
We're tying the knot tomorrow, and that's what I was about to tell you when Maddie came home.
And then it's the honeymoon.
I've been saving myself.
Not really.
Wink.
Kev, dial it down just a notch.
- All right? - Oh, sure.
- Can you give us a moment? - Of course.
at last I found me Look, Duke.
I gotta ask.
Was it me? No way.
You are all woman.
- Yeah.
- That was the problem.
All that traveling to pool tournaments left me a lot of time to have some soul-searching, and one day, I could no longer ignore the real reason I liked having a stick sliding through my hands all the time balls smacking balls.
Stop explaining! Oh.
- I'm sorry.
- [sighs.]
No.
Don't be sorry.
I'm glad you finally figured out who you are.
Actually, I guess a very awkward congratulations - is in order.
- Thank you, babycakes.
[laughs.]
Wait.
Is that why we went to see Cher for your birthday? Why do you think I knew all the words? Seven weeks! No, you got to be able to replace an award quicker than that.
All right, look, I don't want to go over your head, but let me talk to this Tony guy.
Hello? Hey, did you find the bird? Forget about the stupid bird.
We got bigger problems.
So you have any luck in Times Square? Oh, yep.
Problem solution.
- World's greatest dad? - Yeah.
I thought we could replace the word "dad" with "performance in a musical or comedy.
" Wow.
You really did think this through.
What, are you "wacked?" We're not going to fool her with that! Thelma? Where's Thelma? I don't want to let her suffer anymore.
I'm ready for her to apologize.
- Well, she's not here.
- What? I saw her in the lobby, like, an hour ago.
She was all gussied up and talking about going to City Hall.
Oh, my god.
She's gonna elope with Duke, and this is all my fault.
Frank, get the car! We've got to stop her from being happy.
[applause.]
Oh, my gosh.
I am so nervous.
- I'll be right back.
- Hurry.
You had to say that? You know I have a shy bladder.
Thelma, I'm so glad you're here.
I never thought I'd say this, but that guy completes you.
Oh, my god.
No.
Thelma! Thelma! Thelma! Thelma! - Maddie.
- I object! - No one asked if anyone objected.
- But they will, and I do.
You are about to make a fool of yourself.
And I'm proud to do it.
You cannot marry these two people.
It is just wrong.
- Come on now.
- What? No, no, no, no, no.
Hear me out, hear me out.
My name is Madison Banks.
You might know me from stage and film.
Less so film.
Anyway, to marry these two people is a travesty, a mockery of the sacred institution of marriage.
Have they no shame? When I think of them in holy matrimony, it makes me want to vomit.
And who are you? This is Kevin, the man I'm about to marry.
- Big fan.
- Thank you.
- Wait.
He's - Super gay.
Well, then I take back most of what I just said.
So let's all join in together and congratulate Kevin and Duke in their new marriage.
[claps.]
Who-whoo! Yeah, up with gay marriage! Right, guys? Oh, sorry, ma'am.
[muttering.]
It was so nice to meet you, Thelma.
And thanks for the fish tureen.
I'll be right with you Mrs.
Bainbridge.
I swore you wouldn't make me cry.
Oh! Thelma, you're a great lady.
I swear, if I wasn't gay, I'd marry you all over again.
You always know the right thing to say.
And then you go past it.
Duke, I just want to say from the bottom of my heart Can it, ham bone.
[mouths silently.]
You better treat this little lady right, or I'll be back, and we'll fix these highlights too.
I told you you were gonna embarrass yourself.
Oh, just so you know, I was only looking out for you.
We're a lot like these other couples.
Well, not them.
But you know what I mean.
We've got kind of a marriage thing going on.
And you know what, sometimes, I can be a bit of a crappy husband.
Why are you the husband? Because I make more money, and I'm significantly taller.
But you know what? I'm not gonna take you for granted anymore.
And I'm gonna give you more vacation days.
- I'm even gonna unplug the Thelma cam.
- I'm sorry, the what? The point is that I don't want us to be unhappy.
I never said I was unhappy.
Crazy as it is, you're my [muffled.]
best friend.
Really? I'm your [muffled.]
best friend? Yeah.
We have a lot of laughs.
[laughs.]
Mostly at your expense.
- I got it pretty good.
- Oh.
Hey, hey.
As long as we're here, you want to make it legal? You mean get a restraining order against you? Already in the works.
A little super glue and tape and a little more super glue, huh? [clang.]
Well, I tried.
I should just pack my things.
Come on, Frank, she's not going to fire you.
Let me tell you a little story about the cleaning lady, Soledad.
She laid this Tony on its side while she was dusting the piano.
Next morning, she's on a slow boat to Managua.
Okay, well, that's a cleaning lady.
You're family.
You're family.
She got rid of you.
- Good point.
- Kid, you might not know this about your mother, but she's kind of insecure, and this little piece of metal validates her.
And it just kills me that I took that away from her.
[laughter.]
I turn around, you're standing there.
[laughs.]
- Hey.
You two okay? - We are terrific.
[laughs.]
Hey, Maddie, can I fix you a sandwich? Better yet, fix us both a sandwich.
So what are you two guys up to? Maddie, there's something I got to tell you.
No.
It was me.
I broke the Aah! Birds! [award clatters.]
Aah! Oh my god.
Oh.
My god.
Why? [screams.]
Why? Why should a dog, a horse, a rat have life, and thou, no breath at all? I'm good, huh? - But your Tony - Yes, my Tony.
you know, I usually only put the Real McCoy out during award season but it's right around the corner.
There we are.
Now all is right with the world.
Oh, what was it you were saying, Arlo? You broke something? - I broke my high score in Donkey Kong.
- Good.
You'll have something to put in the Christmas letter.
So where is that old ball and chain with my sandwich? Wow.
I can't believe you were gonna take a bullet for me.
Hey, when I came into this looney bin, you had my back.
I was just trying to repay the favor.
Why are you hugging me like that? Because I am super-glued to the piano.