Kite Man: Hell Yeah! (2024) s01e10 Episode Script

1
How's it going
down there, Chuck?
Real good, babe.
Is the Anti-Life Equation affecting you
the same way it did the chicken?
No, babe, but I am being
affected a teensy-weensy bit
From all the trees
you're slamming me into.
Oh. Sorry.
Sometimes I forget
you're down there.
As long as you don't say that in bed, babe.
I think you've run
long enough.
How did you find us?
I got this, babe.
Is it because I search
for highly rated Anti-Life Equation
disposal options near me?
Yes. And thank you.
- Knew it!
- Babe!
Sorry, babe.
I thought it was worth a shot.
Well, we're not giving you
the Anti-Life Equation.
Chuck and I
will die to protect it.
- Oh, dang it!
- Chuck!
I'm sorry, babe. I am so sorry.
If you want it back,
I have a price.
A talk with me, face to face.
- My robots will escort you.
- Oh, right, so you can kill us. No way.
I thought you might say that.
- Which is why I brought an olive branch.
- Pass.
All the olive branches, olive oils,
and pimento olives in the world
won't get us there because,
newsflash, I don't like olives!
Do you like this?
- My kite?
- I saved it from the fire,
which is what
I want to do for you.
You can't spend your life
on the run, Kite Man.
It's time you faced this.
Trust me.
We've run that simulation
millions of times.
And it always
comes out the same.
All life in the universe
is extinguished.
- The end of everything.
- Including my customers.
Which is why
I don't want this to happen.
It is inspiring how much
you care for your customers.
- Well, they're always right.
- Mmm, unless they're dead.
Precisely! Which is what
I'm trying to avoid.
No matter the variable,
the simulation
always ends that way.
With one exception.
You, Kite Man.
There's a scenario where
you use the Anti-Life Equation
and this doesn't happen.
Uh, cool.
- Why not?
- Yeah.
Why not?
I wish we knew.
But the fate of the world
is in your capab
Well, your hands.
But it won't be easy.
Lex wants the equation
to kill Superman,
and has no clue
he'll kill us all.
We've dealt with Lex before.
But you've never
dealt with Darkseid.
He's hunting you, too,
and if he gets the equation,
we're all dead.
So whatever you do,
do it quickly.
Okay
I can't believe I'm going
to fucking say this,
but godspeed, Kite Man!
Drinking light beer
these days, huh Gus?
Yeah. I just thought
I'd switch it up, Nooman.
- Nooman?
- Goddam it!
I've been tugging coffee
and prune juice,
but I'm stuffed up
like a hydroelectric dam.
Sometimes the best laxative
is a little thing
called patience.
Shove it, dickbag!
I have no time
for your patience.
I have to poop in the
Portal Potty right now
so I can go back to the '80s
and find Goldilocks!
She's probably 'lone and scared
and this close
to trying to get famous
by singing in a mall.
Yeah, kids are easy to lose.
I have one or two kiddos
wander off every field trip,
and perish.
That is weird
and not helpful.
Helen says
it's up to you to save us.
So, what's your plan?
Ooh, uh, I was kind of hoping
something would
hit me on the way over.
Uh Oh! I know.
Yes! That's my Chuck!
I'll take a shower.
That's where
I get my best ideas.
What kind of idea
we lookin' for?
Oh, you know, just one that allows us
to defeat two apex villains
while also destroying a heretofore
undestroyable cosmic weapon.
Anything coming to mind?
Just if we're making war plans,
we should adjourn
to the war room.
We have a basement?
This is why you use
a real estate agent.
And side to side!
And side to side!
And glute and chute!
And glute and chute!
Are you
Princess Rebecca Chen?
You look beautiful!
I better. If I'm gonna be
the next Sheena Easton,
I gotta up my leg game.
What do you want, kid?
You shit here from the future?
I went number two
and it sent me back in time.
And Baney told me
a story 'bout you.
Bane? What did he have to say?
It's a story about your daughter
on the run with the Anti-Life 'quation.
My daughter has something
called the Anti-Life Quation?
Mmm. Tell me more.
Sire, this chip
was torn from Chessure.
Now we have no way of tracking Malice
and the Anti-Life Equation.
How is that possible?
- That kid from Petigans, uh-
- Brandon! ♪
Right. Brandon.
He guaranteed
it would never dislodge.
He probably didn't anticipate
the giant chicken attack, sire.
I'm sorry. But do you know
what guarantee means?
A promise That certain conditions
Will be fulfilled ♪
A promise that certain conditions
will be fulfilled.
Yes. Well, Brandon broke
his fucking promise.
And now we don't know where
the Anti-Life Equation is.
But I do know
exactly where to go.
Okay, and do you have
a Petigans Plus account?
Brandon! You guaranteed me
this tracking chip
could never be dislodged
from my demon cat.
Oh, I remember you. Yeah.
You have your Petigans Plus card?
I could give you a refund.
A refund doesn't give me my fucking
Anti-Life Equation, does it, Brandon?
You broke a guarantee.
And the punishment for that
is torture for 1,000 years.
- Um, um, sire?
- Um, um, what, DeSaad?
We probably don't have 1,000 years
to find the Anti-Life Equation.
Well, I guess every party needs a pooper.
That's why we invited DeSaad.
Ha ha ha! ♪
But perhaps you're right.
Instead of being tortured
for 1,000 years,
you will serve me on
Apokolips for eternity.
Um 'Kay, I could
probably start Thursday.
I gotta tell Gary,
my boss here--
You'll start right now.
Yeah, so Helen says
I need to use it somehow.
That doesn't make sense.
How the hell do you use it?
Or destroy it when even
a nuclear blast couldn't?
We don't have any idea. Okay?
As far as I know,
there's no way to destroy it.
Hey, hey, you guys
ever seen The Exorcist?
That movie about the little girl
possessed by the demon
and nobody can figure out
how to get rid of it?
Yeah, right.
And then the old priest says,
"Hey, demon, when you're done
playing with the kids,
try and fuck with me."
Oh, yeah, and then
the demons like, "It's on!"
Right. And it jumps into him
and the priest is all like,
"Joke's on you demon.
I'm jumping out this window."
And he does.
And he slams into the stairs, kills himself
and the demon dies inside him.
Chuck, are you suggesting that you invite
the Anti-Life Equation inside you
and then kill yourself
to destroy it?
What? Holy shit.
No, I was just like, "The Exorcist,
that's a pretty good movie."
It was just suggested to me
on my Villigans Crime "Watch Next" list.
Kill myself?
How did you get that from that?
I'm glad you think so,
because that's just crazy.
So crazy,
it just might work.
Whoever reads the equation,
becomes the equation.
And like The Exorcist tells us,
if they die, it dies.
Newheart is right!
Kite Man should use
the Anti-Life Equation and kill himself.
Who's with me?
- I am.
- Of course.
- Uh what?
- - Thanks for dying, Kite Man.
- That's a classy way to die.
- Excuse me?
Looks like
the voters have spoken.
Okay, so
we're really doing this then.
Guess I'll, uh, have
to figure out the best thing
to, uh, throw myself
to the death off of--
Wait! What if once it's in him,
the Anti-Life Equation
won't let him kill himself?
Great point, Malice!
That That is the plan's Achilles heel.
- Well, back to the drawing board--
- Or I'll kill you.
That way you can't back out.
- Boom, bam, bing, dead!
- Ooh, fuck that! You're a terrible shot.
I'll throw the Evil Fairy
Godmother at him.
Kite Man, I'd be happy
to 'splode you if you'd like me to.
That is, uh, so helpful
of you guys.
So, uh, are we thinking
quick and painless or--
- Well, uh, quick--
- Okay, nobody's killing Chuck.
- Why not?
- Come on!
- Who calls the shots around here?
- - I don't mind really.
Chuck, don't let them
talk you into it.
- I won't lose you like this.
- Yeah.
You've always said
my power is my heart.
My kindness.
Which used to make me so mad.
But I didn't tell you 'cause
I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
But maybe you're right.
Maybe kindness is a key
that opens all doors,
but only locks one,
the door to the end of the universe.
Which is a dooz. So, Babe,
I have to ask.
Lisa Golden Glider Snart,
will you take silly old me
to have and to hold,
till death, at your hands,
do us part?
It's It's just,
it has to be you, babe.
Please.
Yes, Chuck. I'll do it.
I'd rather be dead myself
than live without you.
But if you can make
this sacrifice, then I can too.
We need a minute.
Hey, after all this
I know a guy you might like.
- And this pocket is too-
- Hot. I know. Jesus. Try this.
So what you're saying is my daughter
has the Anti-Life Equation?
Baney said it's the most
powerful weapon in the universe
and everybody wants it.
'cluding Darkseid.
- The end.
- Interesting.
Darkseid Choir auditions.
Very interesting.
This cuisine is too lean!
You know, kid,
you're a real cunt.
Uh, Darkseid?
They said your warranty voided as soon
as you took the chip out of the cat.
I didn't take
the fucking chip out!
They owe me a full refund!
Sire, perhaps your
unquenchable thirst for revenge
is proving a fatal flaw,
that may be distracting you from your
Fatal what?
Uh, let's remember
this is all because Malice lied.
Now I know the plan was to look
everywhere but Noonan's,
however, I took a chance.
- God-daddy!
- She was at Noonan's after all.
I'm hearing the most awful rumor
that you think I lied to you.
Malice! Kite Man and Golden Glider
have the Anti-Life Equation.
Not Lex Luthor and Helen Villigan,
like you told me.
- Or am I wrong?
- Okay, fine. They do.
But it doesn't matter,
because it's probably already destroyed.
So you'll just have to find
some other stupid math problem
to fuck or whatever
you want to do with it.
I don't want to fuck it.
And quite frankly, Malice,
that's just really crass.
No human can destroy it.
They already tried to nuke it.
Well, they're trying
a different way.
They're exorcist-ing it.
They're using exorcist rules.
Oh, yeah. Fuck, yeah.
Where the demon enters
the priest, he kills himself,
so the demon dies, too.
He's all like,
"Your mother sucks cocks in hell.
- Your mother sucks cocks--"
- Jesus Christ, Brandon!
- This throne room isn't rated NC-Brandon.
- Sorry.
Where Where did
Petigans find this kid?
Anyway, that's
what they're doing.
Sire, that might
actually destroy the Equation.
DeSaad, if you're at a party
and you can't tell
who the pooper is,
you're the pooper.
You're the pooper, DeSaad!
Your friends, where are they?
I won't tell you because
I won't let you kill them.
You just said
they're using exorcist rules.
Which means they're
trying to kill themselves.
Once I have the equation,
I'll let them live.
So it seems the only way
for you to save them
is to tell me where they are!
How much fiber is one supposed
to ingest before a goddam bowel-
- Hi, Baney!
- Goldi! I was worried sick!
I was in the '80s.
You cannot go wandering
by yourself into the '80s.
It is not safe.
There are no car seats.
No one wears sunblock.
I mean, the hairspray alone
could choke you to death.
I saw Princess Rebecca Chen!
Did you talk to her?
I told her the story
'bout the Anti-Life 'Quation.
Hmm, well,
hopefully, that's no big deal.
Well, I suppose this is as good
a spot as any for an ending.
Are you sure you wanna
go through with this?
I'm sure, babe, and the only
thing I'm even more sure of
is that Lisa Snart
is the prettiest,
funniest, smartiest
doggone girl I ever saw.
I will love you
for the rest of my life.
And I'm not just saying that 'cause
maybe there's like five minutes left in it.
I don't want
to kill you, Chuck.
I know you don't, babe.
That's what
makes it hero stuff.
Now remember, I'm the only one
who can read this thing.
If it falls into anyone
else's hands, even yours,
It is adios universe-io.
Words, babe!
It's starting to make words!
Okay, let's get
this party started.
Chuck, it's taking
kind of a long time.
- How's it going?
- I'm not gonna lie, babe.
Thought this equation
would have more pictures.
Yo, oh, darn it,
I lost my place.
Okay, I'm just
gonna start from the top.
- You've got to read faster, babe.
- No need!
The Anti-Life Equation
is mine now.
Get it!
Nuh, uh, uh.
If you want the briefcase,
you've got to go through us.
Fuck you, Lex Luthor!
It's story time!
Cookie!
Thanks.
This just isn't making any
Oh! Okay, look at that.
Reading the dang thing
upside down.
There we go. That's on me!
Sweetheart,
buy me a drink first--
Evil Fairy Godmother?
Give 'em a happily ever after.
Wow! Circle of life.
Darkseid! It's Darkseid! ♪
You're totally screwed now
'Cause it's Darkseid!
Finally!
The Anti-Life Equation is mine!
Malice, you sold us out?
Only because
I didn't want you to die. Okay?
It was a
What do you call it?
A Sally's choice!
Yeah!
Uh-oh he won't like that! ♪
Keep reading, Kite Man!
We can't hold him for long!
He'll kill you all
Just give up! ♪
Told ya! ♪
Almost there!
No! No!
Shit!
I don't wanna kill you, Chuck!
Don't make me do this!
Ah!
No. No.
Babe, hurry.
Rebecca Chen? ♪
- Mom?
- Oh, hi!
I traveled through time
when I heard you were messed up in this.
Don't say I never did
anything for you.
Aw! Sweet! ♪
Gotcha!
Get that fairy tale book!
- Give me that book!
- Bane! Bane! Here!
- Over here! Throw me that book!
- I'm afraid I can't do that.
Martian Manhunter?
Well, fuck!
Not today, Darkseid. Kite Man
and Golden Glider,
your bravery
has neutralized the threat.
Good job.
I'll take it from here.
What the
That motherfucker took my book!
Martian motherfucking
Manhunter.
There, there, Lex.
There'll be other most powerful
weapons in the universe.
Chuck, babe,
oh, I'm so glad
you're not dead.
Phew, me too, babe.
Wow. Gus really
came through for us.
Who would've guessed he was
a shape-shifting superhero?
Who thinks my name is Nooman.
You dumb shits.
He was just pretending to be Gus.
You know what? He's got that look
and voice down for sure.
I was so close.
Okay. Now, Lord Darkseid,
I know you're pretty steamed--
But the good news is,
I think
there's one fella
who can help us now.
- And his name is-
- Lee Trevino.
Hello, friend.
So, god-daddy,
about the little fib,
- I was only trying to--
- It's okay, Malice.
- You come by evil. Honestly.
- Great. Thanks.
And now that Martian Manhunter
has the briefcase,
I'll have to spend another
millennium looking for it.
So how long you think Gus
was Martian Manhunter?
I'd say about eight hours.
Good thing
somebody was smart enough
to take that
game piece off the board.
Hey, Noonan, hey, all,
sorry that I've been gone.
Got called in for a shift
at the old fulfillment center.
Working hard or hardly working.
Am I right?
I think I prefer the other guy.
Never thought a beer
could taste so sweet.
- I wasn't gonna do it, Chuck.
- What?
Kill you.
I know I said I would,
but I also knew I couldn't.
But babe,
what were you gonna do
once I finished
reading the thing?
I was still working on that
when my mom showed up.
Why do you think she did it?
To save me or to get
the Anti-Life Equation?
Well, if I had to wager,
I'd put everything on
to save you
because she loves you.
Yeah, She loves me.
Yeah. I can't think
of any other reason.
We have worlds to destroy
my fairy tale demons.
- Are you with me, Gingerbread Man?
- Ya!
Are you all with me?
Then let us begin.
Ah! There's something
about a man and a kite.
- Can I ask you something?
- Anything, babe.
The equation. What did it say?
It said blue skies ahead.
Aw, love that.
And love you.
Hell, yeah!
End of season one! ♪
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