Lady Dynamite (2016) s01e10 Episode Script
Knife Feelings
1 [Bruce.]
Maria, my sweet comedy warrior.
How would you like to make a whole shitload of money together with me? Uh, sure! That sounds good.
Let's talk merchandising.
How much money would you guess that Andy Kindler made on his concert t-shirts this past year? $13,000.
That's right.
How the heck did you get that? I think about money a lot.
Yeah.
Me, too.
So, picture this You on the t-shirt.
And then, in big pink letters, "Maria Bamford! Bam! Bam!" Well, I give you Bruce, look.
I need and love money, but if someone held a gun to my head and said I had to sell t-shirts, I would rather have my brains splattered against this wall.
- I'm not into it.
- [softly.]
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
- I understand completely.
So noted.
- [cell phone chiming.]
Bruce, I'm sorry, I have to get this.
Do you mind? That's fine.
Take your time, my sweet.
I just I met this guy.
I really like him.
And he really likes me.
Bruce, have you ever met someone and you had sex with them right away, and then they wanna have a real relationship? You know, what if they find out about who I really am, and then they run for the hills? Sex has never been easy for me.
I don't know what it is.
It physically clamps up, and it's psychological, physiological, I don't know.
But, with Scott he got it in there.
Did I remember to tell you that you're gonna be playing Flappers Comedy and Korean Bowling Barbecue on the 7th? That is what I should do.
I should have him go see my stand-up.
That way he sees all my garbage.
He'll know all my faults, all my demons.
Pull the Band-Aid off, and then he can leave, and I can just find somebody else who I like maybe a little less, but it's less scary.
This has been fascinating.
- You know, a journal - Yeah? is a great place for private thoughts.
[theme music playing.]
[Maria scatting.]
[audience chuckling.]
[Maria.]
You ever had a creepy thought, like, [gasping.]
"Oh, what if I licked a urinal? Oh, God, I can't believe I just thought that.
Oh, God! [gasping.]
I should probably do a complicated dance step and clench my fists at odd intervals, just in case I fell over and, by accident, I licked it.
" [audience laughing.]
That is a type of OCD and the great thing is that you get to go to therapy and you get to hear what other people are worried about "Maria, have you ever avoided going to a religious institution, 'cause you were worried that you would lose control, run up on the altar, take a shit, and yell, 'I am a promise keeper'?" No.
I mean, that seems reasonable, but [inhales sharply.]
"Okay, have you ever not wanted to be left alone at SeaWorld, 'cause you worry you'd go to the tide pool, take a baby starfish and try to kiss its poop hole?" [audience laughing.]
"Okay, have you ever not wanted to spend time with friends or family, 'cause you were worried you're gonna chop them up into chunks and bits, have sex with the chunks and bits, put the chunks and bits in a Cobb salad and feed it to others?" [scoffs.]
- Yes.
- [audience laughing.]
[scoffing.]
Anyways, thank you guys.
Thanks for listening.
- [applauding.]
- Okay.
That was great.
Oh, thanks, I So, I'll pick up my stuff tomorrow.
My sweatshirt and my LaserDiscs.
So, anyways, I'm a monster.
Great getting to know you, and I bid you good eve.
Wait.
Why are you leaving? Because I have showed you the horrors of my mind and, thusly, I don't blame you, but you are terrified, and need to run for the hills.
No, uh-uh, Maria.
I'm not leaving you.
But what about the horr-ars? Especially after the horr-ars.
It's gonna sound strange, but I like you even better now that I know you've got fantasies about choppin' up your family and having sex with their pieces.
[sighing and scoffing.]
What? I mean, it's no backwards smoker.
[inhaling.]
- [exhaling.]
- Okay, what is that? - Smoking backwards.
- Am I doin' it? Yeah, you're doin' it perfectly.
Oh, thank you.
I wanted to show you something.
While you were sleeping the other night, I did a bit of sketching.
Of my nuditity? No, no, it's It's all Bert.
[gasping.]
Oh, my God.
It's Bert and some Blueberry.
[Maria.]
That's Bert signing the Magna Carta! Bert and Blueberry in the Thelma & Louise car.
Of course, Blueberry's driving.
Bert and Blueberry in that TV show Melissa & Joey.
That is Bert's favorite show, and he is mostly alone with that, except for most of America.
These are gorgeous.
If you're cool with it I'd love to do a bunch of sketches of you choppin' up your family.
Maybe with charcoal.
I would love that I mean are you sure? Just because I I'm on a ton of medications.
I have a not-light tremor.
I don't know if you're ready for this jelly.
I think I'm ready for this jelly.
You know what? My grandma, when she went to the psych ward, she grew, like, a small beard.
- Do you do that? - What do you think? Yes, I did.
I'd shave your beard.
That is possibly the most romantic thing - that has ever been said to me.
- [both laughing.]
Hey, I've I've never asked a human this question.
Would you like to go on a nature walk with me tomorrow? - I'd like that.
- [chuckling.]
Okay.
Well, it'll be awesome.
- Well Well - [grunting.]
Oh.
[Chantrelle.]
Celebriteasers, celebrity look-alikes.
No, we're only seeing Captain Jack Sparrows today.
So, am I to understand that we are now well rid of those shirts of tee? Oh, yeah.
They'll be in South Sudan by tomorrow night.
Even though I'm sick of all things nautical, that seems treacherously fast for a cargo vessel.
Girl, you said to get them out of here, and I quote, "ASPCA!" So I overnighted them.
And, how much, pray tell, is that going to cost? - $32,000.
- Huh.
- [hyperventilating.]
- Are you all right? I'm kinda falling apart, I'm I'm broke.
I'm actually, sort of, finished.
Please hold all my calls, okay? I'm about to shed this mortal coil.
Excuse me.
[muffled screaming.]
Barbara! Oh, God! I'll cancel your lunch.
[in Swahili.]
Look at this.
That's a reference to comic Maria Bamford.
I saw her on Netflix.
[chuckles.]
She works really hard to destigmatize mental illness.
Really brave.
I don't know her.
I'm more of a Natasha Leggero guy.
Look, I love Natasha Leggero.
But you can't possibly put her on the same level as Bamford.
It's apples and oranges.
Don't be a dick, Ron.
You're the one being a dick.
- You're a dick.
- Dick.
[in English.]
Ron.
Don't.
[in Swahili.]
Dick.
[in English.]
Don't.
[Karen.]
Suck your own cock for me, okay? I love ya.
News flash.
The Pepper Stepper Pepper-bot is selling like whore-flavored hot cakes.
We've already sold four in Singapore.
Bachelor party.
Don't ask.
That's $11 in your pocket.
Next item.
Who is the biggest TV star today? - Charlie Sheen.
- [mimics buzzer.]
Wrong! It's Wendie Malick.
Check out these titties Ch check out these titties, ooh! Check out these titties - Ch Check out these titties! - Whoa.
Malick wants back in television.
Ten words Wendie Malick Pitchapalooza, sponsored by a major national sandwich chain, unnamed due to legal reasons.
Here's how it works Wendie Malick gives us an hour of her time at an undisclosed location Wendie Malick will hear pitches.
The winner will be taken to a major television network to pitch the winning show with Wendie Malick.
- [gasping.]
- It will be a huge hit.
The winner will buy a motherfucking Maui vacation home with the syndication profits, okay? Boom! - [gasping and laughing.]
- That is the power of Malick.
Maria, I want you to Pitchapalooza.
Okay, I'm not a writer.
- Neither was Shakespeare.
- Okay.
He was a handjobbing hobo.
Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein on a dare.
So I double dare you to take yourself out of your comfort zone.
And I don't wanna give you an unfair advantage, but since I represent both you and Malick, I will tell you this.
- She is a major fucking Bamhead.
- [gasping.]
I'm getting that out there.
Get used to it.
- How many people are pitching? - Forty-seven.
That's a lot in one hour.
That's It's so fast.
If you know what you're talking about, you can explain any hit show in three words.
They sold Friends with three words Whiny, coffee, Jews.
Friends, okay? This is leg number two of the three-legged stool of your success machine.
Are you ready to sit hard on your stool? Yes! I am.
I am so filled with energy! I could take your desk and throw it I love that.
But please don't, because I'll have to call security to have you escorted out, okay? Now, get the fuck out of my office.
- Okay.
- And I want you to give the world a hit fucking sandwich-oriented show! Go! Fade in, interior hospital, our star, Wendie Subs, as played by Wendie Malick.
Crime, punishment, commercial Buick commercial.
"That's not a Buick.
" Find out later, it is a Buick.
Side note, check real estate listings in Maui with Buick money.
[screaming.]
- Hey, Graham! - How you doin', Maria? Oh! I am just tearing the cover off the ball in there.
With writing.
They said Aaron Sorkin writes this way.
And he is a major star of writing.
Well, how was your day of stuntmanning? - Not great.
[groaning.]
- Okay.
- I twisted my ankle again.
- Oh They wouldn't let me crash my car through the fruit stand.
I have an idea.
Let's write together! I'm not a writer.
We have to write together.
We've moved in together far too early.
We got engaged instead of breaking up.
We have obliterated every natural boundary in a relationship.
Writing together is the next natural step.
I love your energy.
I do.
I love your everything! - Ow.
Ow! - Oh, God! [chuckling.]
- [groaning.]
- Malick! It's a children's musical, but it's also a screenplay with puppets.
And woodworking! Beat the wood with a club.
Club sandwich! Everyone loves bowling.
Bowl three strikes.
That's a turkey! [shrieking.]
That's a turkey! [laughing.]
Pigs.
Pigs driving a car filled with bacon.
Tragic irony! [moaning.]
Bacon, turkey, club.
Three words.
I got it.
[laughing.]
Thank you for doing this, Maria.
For doing what? For clowning around like this and cheerin' me up.
It's exactly what I need after the day I've had.
- Okay.
- I just found out Lauren wants full custody of the kids.
Oh.
Children.
[stuttering.]
Custody.
Custard.
Custard cakes! Then all the injuries.
And my ankle again.
All these young guys are stealing my crashes.
I'm getting scared that I'm too old for this.
And it's bumming me out, big time.
I've never told anybody this, but depression runs in my family.
I guess I've always outrun it by trying to stay super active, and everything's, sort of, keepin' the sadness at bay.
[gasping.]
Bay-oncé and Jay Z! Hava! My mom tried to kill herself when I was seven.
[chuckling.]
Jesus Christ, I've never told anybody that.
I never [stuttering.]
God, I feel so safe with you.
[softly.]
Oh, is it That's why I'm drawn to people like you, Maria.
You're always up and full of energy.
That's me! Up, up and away! Get out of my way, I gotta get up! - Gotta go - [groaning.]
I'll be back in a second.
[muffled crying.]
[mumbling.]
- Put this on.
- [Maria.]
Oh.
It'll vibrate when Miss Malick is ready for you.
You have 20 seconds to approach Ms.
Malick, then 60 seconds to pitch.
After 60 seconds, this necklace will act as a Taser.
Okay.
Thank you so much, I appreciated it.
[Karen.]
Maria! Ready to Ma-lick the competition, you glorious bitch? Gonna make these losers Ma-lick your beautiful stank pipe? I should be a writer.
I really should.
I mean, I could never do what you do.
You're a goddamn magician.
You are the fucking best.
There are a lot of people here.
These assholes? They're all pieces of shit.
You're pieces of shit! Don't worry about it, they're all my best friends.
- It's fine.
Hey, Garry.
- Okay.
I just blew him in the bathroom.
No big deal.
He may have directed Pretty Woman.
What a fucking hack.
What's the matter with you? You look nervous.
Wanna blow someone for luck? - Garry, get your balls back over here.
- [announcer over PA.]
Maria Bamford.
- Okay.
- Listen to me.
Sixty seconds, three words.
Pitchapalooza.
Let's do this.
Okay.
[panting.]
Turkey, bacon, club.
Jews, coffee, Friends, whiny.
Turkey, bacon, club.
[announcer.]
Maria Bamford, You have one minute to pitch.
You need help, Maria.
You're fine.
Don't listen to that tired old heeb! I had a rolling brown-out in those slacks at Ron Popeil's July 4th ceviche bar.
Honey, can you be a dear and buy 17 cases of Monistat for me, please? Maria, your entire act is based on you being a victim.
And you stole it all from me.
- [Trabajito.]
Trabajito's always watching.
- Maria! - Please.
- Mine! [overlapping chatter.]
Feels right! Sounds good! Feels right! [exploding.]
[yelling.]
Turkey, bacon, club! - [gasping.]
- Hey, hey.
I I think you might need to talk to someone.
[softly.]
I think you might be right, Wendie Malick.
I think I might need some help.
[whispering.]
Turkey, bacon, club.
Ending up in Wendie Malick's tan, toned arms was not my proudest moment.
But now, I found a guy who likes me despite my mentals.
In college, I shaved my head.
And I would only wear clothes that I found on the street.
[Scott.]
Oh, that's cool.
I hate shopping.
I get most of my clothes at gas stations.
God, this is so freeing.
It's, like I feel like you're the first guy I could share everything with.
My childhood was crazy, too.
My dad used to chase us with knives.
What? Sometimes he'd wake us up for school with knives.
He'd stab you awake? No, just the pillows.
But if you moved, you'd get it.
Haven't you noticed I don't move when I sleep? I thought you were at peace.
Sometimes he'd ask us, "Hey, who wants to get a knife thrown at them?" It didn't matter what the answer was, he'd throw them anyway.
We experimented with saying, "Me!" Any way we answered, the knives would fly.
[gasping and sniffling.]
Okay.
I might need to take a second.
- [breathing heavily.]
- Are you okay? I really don't like knives.
I [sighing.]
I suspect it must be some past life thing.
[chuckles nervously.]
- Know who else doesn't like knives? - Who? My brother, Dave.
He took one in the neck in grade school.
Just [mimicking blood splattering.]
bled all over my lunch box and my sandwich.
[chuckling and shuddering.]
[distorted.]
You okay? [yelling.]
Knife feelings! Maria? [Bruce.]
Well, actually, that snare drum has a great deal of sentimental value.
It was given to me by the lead singer of Two Ps L, Pure Prairie League, - when he hit my wire-haired terrier.
- [punchline rimshot.]
It wasn't funny.
The dog was seriously injured.
- Five bucks.
- You cretin! [panting.]
Bruce! Bruce, I need your help.
I screwed up.
I screwed up bad.
I'm so sorry, my sweet.
- Now is not the opportune time.
- Okay.
My crippling financial woes have forced me to put all my objects up for sale on Craigslist.
And, right now, this college-aged viper is squeezing my manhood with his pricing.
I'll give you 200 bucks for everything.
That is not a fair price, kind sir, and you know it.
I'm not the one who needs money, fuck-o.
You're living in your van? I thought you were parking out here to think.
I wouldn't call it living, - and I do my best not to think.
- Oh.
Throw in that mini fridge and I'll give you 40 dollars.
How am I supposed to keep my cheeses cold? Bruce, I really screwed up.
I really like Scott, but then I ran.
I'm a coward! What What should I do? Hey, fucknut, for every second you don't answer, I'm gonna shave $10 off my offer.
So, $230.
- No.
Just wait a second.
- So, what do I do? - $220.
- Just write him a note $210.
[Chantrelle.]
I overnighted them.
[Bruce.]
I'm broke.
I'm broke.
[Chantrelle.]
$32,000.
[Maria.]
Maybe I could e-mail Look, Maria! I I just can't handle your shit now! Okay? - Oh, God.
- [stuttering.]
Oh, I'm so sorry.
[Maria.]
Even though I was having trouble being in a relationship, I had come a long way from my days in recovery.
Oh, Maria, thank you so much for helping me with my project, Big Brother, Big Mother.
That's Howard.
He's done time.
And he's not exactly a sex offender, but he's not exactly not a sex offender, - if you catch my drift.
- No, I don't at all.
He's working very hard on communication, especially with women.
Anyway, here.
Honey, put this on.
I got it at the pet store.
- I thought it would be fun.
- Okay.
Howard, this is my daughter, Maria, our makeshift woman.
- Mom, I am a woman.
- I hear you roar, but, shh, hon-bun.
This is Howard's time.
Okay, and Howard, what I want you to do is talk to Maria just like you'd talk to any of your buddies.
And Maria, if you could try to listen to Howard.
[Maria.]
Okay, okay.
Hi, Maria.
I believe women are not second-class citizens.
- [Maria.]
Oh, okay.
- [softly.]
Good.
When I see Hillary Clinton on TV, I don't wanna strangle her.
I don't think a lot of people can say that.
Oh, that's great, Howard.
That is great.
Maria, do you have anything you'd like to say back to Howard? [clicking tongue.]
Uh [mumbling.]
I knew it.
She hates me! Every woman hates me.
- I can't do this.
- Hey! Howard! Relax.
- Take a slow, cleansing breath.
- [breathing deeply.]
Maria Elizabeth Sheldon Bamford, I'd like to see you over by the Hummels.
- What the H gives, Maria? - [sighing.]
- Why didn't you look him in the eyes? - I have been.
I look into people's eyes all all the time.
Okay, little lady.
Which of my eyes has conjunctivitis? - [mumbles.]
The right one.
- No, they both do! You would know that if you weren't shutting out the world.
Keep that chin up, little lady.
I'll try.
Try is will's lazy cousin.
Do it, okay? And wash that chin.
I'm pretty infected.
[Howard grunting.]
Howard! No! Come, come.
Howard, dining room only.
Di Oh, my gosh.
[whimpering.]
[Maria.]
What the hell has happened to me, Bert? Why can't I look into people's eyes anymore? Did a spirit vandal break my soul windows? [groaning.]
Why can't everyone be like you? You have the charming physical appeal of both a cute dog and an 80-year-old man.
And you're easy to talk to.
And to look at.
[Bert.]
That's because dogs can't read human beings' minds, Maria.
Exactly.
You can't judge me.
You can't even see all the horrible, unwanted thoughts that I'm thinking.
Ones that I would never say out loud.
[chuckling.]
Even if I did, you wouldn't care.
[Bert.]
I wouldn't even know how to test out that premise.
For I can't read your mind.
Would you like to take that logic further, my sweet queen? What do you mean? [Bert.]
Humans can't read your mind either, Maria.
Except that gypsy woman on the other side of town.
- She's actually got a gift.
- Oh.
Maria, you can't worry about putting your baggage on other people.
The ones who love you will love you, baggage and all.
Maybe this will help you understand.
[acoustic guitar playing.]
[Bert and Maria singing "If You Could Read My Mind".]
[narrator on TV.]
Feelings at the water hole run high.
Everyone has to deal with their own shit, you know.
Even the solitary capuchin monkey.
[gasping.]
But Bim Bim now has a mate.
His name is Simba and they are fighting.
Because when you're in a relationship, you're not just dealing with your own shit, you're also dealing with someone else's.
And in this case, Bim Bim is dealing with Simba's shit.
And he has a lot of it.
But Bim Bim is determined to handle it.
Because that's what relationships are all about.
For man, and for monkey.
Oh, my God! That's what happened with Scott.
And Bruce.
You guys, stay here, take notes.
I gotta go.
- Bruce! Ooh.
- Maria.
[gasping.]
Don't look at me, please.
I'm hideous! And your balloons aren't ready yet.
- Aw.
- [stuttering.]
I'm so sorry that I lost it today on you, my pet.
I lashed out at the one person who means more to me than anything else in the world.
Today, the world cut me in half.
And put me back together the wrong way.
I'm like a 21st-century, emotional Humpty Dumpty! [weeping.]
And I'm I'm so sorry, Maria.
- I'm sorry.
- No, Bruce.
Bruce, no.
What you did It was good for me.
- No, you're just saying that.
- Yes! Listen, I understand.
I I used the brown word in anger.
That's totally not acceptable! - No.
It - I'm so ashamed.
It was totally acceptable.
I put the brown word on you.
You couldn't handle my brown word, the same way I couldn't handle Scott's.
I don't understand what you're talking about.
It's getting me kind of scared.
Relationships.
You have to handle another person's brown word.
Like the capuchin monkey, I wanna handle your brown word, okay? I wanna handle your brown word all day long! [chuckling.]
Oh, my God.
I'm feeling all these different feelings! [chuckling.]
How about this feeling? [inhaling.]
[high-pitched.]
"I'm Stevie Nicks.
And I'm a talent mentor on [sing-song.]
'This is The Voice.
'" - Can I try? - Yes! [high-pitched.]
"I'm Stevie Nicks.
I've had a restraining order against you since you soiled yourself in my van back in 1975.
" - [both laughing.]
- Speaking of restraining orders, it's time for me to put out an APB on a giant, bearded, bear-man who has burglarized my heart.
[breathing heavily.]
Excuse me.
- [chuckling.]
- There you go.
It's time for me to catch my perp.
[chuckles.]
My love perp! Ha! [screaming.]
Perp! [tires squealing.]
Up against the fence, perp! Maria, what's going on? - Come on.
- Whoa.
I'm taking you down to the station - of my heart.
- What? I'd done a lot of work on my road to wellness, but I didn't count on a side street of trepidation that was unpaved.
I've been a solitary capuchin monkey for a while.
I haven't had a partner.
But now I'm gonna treat my partner like a perp.
And my perp is a capuchin monkey! Nature.
Noir.
Rico! Is this about the stories from my childhood? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Your stories about your father hitting you with knives scared the capuchin monkey poo out of me.
Your stuff about chopping up your family and having sex with their bits is way scarier.
- Exactly! - Yeah.
Because it's my shit.
Other people's baggage is always much worse than your own.
I thought I was making progress 'cause I was able to put my shit on other people.
But now I realize that's just half the ball game.
In a relationship, you need to be able to handle the shit of another person.
Scott, I want to handle your shit! I wanna handle your shit, Maria.
- No shit? - I shit you not.
Get that shit over here.
[both chuckling.]
[choir singing.]
I don't know what I'm doing [chittering.]
More than half of the time [funk music playing.]
Maria, my sweet comedy warrior.
How would you like to make a whole shitload of money together with me? Uh, sure! That sounds good.
Let's talk merchandising.
How much money would you guess that Andy Kindler made on his concert t-shirts this past year? $13,000.
That's right.
How the heck did you get that? I think about money a lot.
Yeah.
Me, too.
So, picture this You on the t-shirt.
And then, in big pink letters, "Maria Bamford! Bam! Bam!" Well, I give you Bruce, look.
I need and love money, but if someone held a gun to my head and said I had to sell t-shirts, I would rather have my brains splattered against this wall.
- I'm not into it.
- [softly.]
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
- I understand completely.
So noted.
- [cell phone chiming.]
Bruce, I'm sorry, I have to get this.
Do you mind? That's fine.
Take your time, my sweet.
I just I met this guy.
I really like him.
And he really likes me.
Bruce, have you ever met someone and you had sex with them right away, and then they wanna have a real relationship? You know, what if they find out about who I really am, and then they run for the hills? Sex has never been easy for me.
I don't know what it is.
It physically clamps up, and it's psychological, physiological, I don't know.
But, with Scott he got it in there.
Did I remember to tell you that you're gonna be playing Flappers Comedy and Korean Bowling Barbecue on the 7th? That is what I should do.
I should have him go see my stand-up.
That way he sees all my garbage.
He'll know all my faults, all my demons.
Pull the Band-Aid off, and then he can leave, and I can just find somebody else who I like maybe a little less, but it's less scary.
This has been fascinating.
- You know, a journal - Yeah? is a great place for private thoughts.
[theme music playing.]
[Maria scatting.]
[audience chuckling.]
[Maria.]
You ever had a creepy thought, like, [gasping.]
"Oh, what if I licked a urinal? Oh, God, I can't believe I just thought that.
Oh, God! [gasping.]
I should probably do a complicated dance step and clench my fists at odd intervals, just in case I fell over and, by accident, I licked it.
" [audience laughing.]
That is a type of OCD and the great thing is that you get to go to therapy and you get to hear what other people are worried about "Maria, have you ever avoided going to a religious institution, 'cause you were worried that you would lose control, run up on the altar, take a shit, and yell, 'I am a promise keeper'?" No.
I mean, that seems reasonable, but [inhales sharply.]
"Okay, have you ever not wanted to be left alone at SeaWorld, 'cause you worry you'd go to the tide pool, take a baby starfish and try to kiss its poop hole?" [audience laughing.]
"Okay, have you ever not wanted to spend time with friends or family, 'cause you were worried you're gonna chop them up into chunks and bits, have sex with the chunks and bits, put the chunks and bits in a Cobb salad and feed it to others?" [scoffs.]
- Yes.
- [audience laughing.]
[scoffing.]
Anyways, thank you guys.
Thanks for listening.
- [applauding.]
- Okay.
That was great.
Oh, thanks, I So, I'll pick up my stuff tomorrow.
My sweatshirt and my LaserDiscs.
So, anyways, I'm a monster.
Great getting to know you, and I bid you good eve.
Wait.
Why are you leaving? Because I have showed you the horrors of my mind and, thusly, I don't blame you, but you are terrified, and need to run for the hills.
No, uh-uh, Maria.
I'm not leaving you.
But what about the horr-ars? Especially after the horr-ars.
It's gonna sound strange, but I like you even better now that I know you've got fantasies about choppin' up your family and having sex with their pieces.
[sighing and scoffing.]
What? I mean, it's no backwards smoker.
[inhaling.]
- [exhaling.]
- Okay, what is that? - Smoking backwards.
- Am I doin' it? Yeah, you're doin' it perfectly.
Oh, thank you.
I wanted to show you something.
While you were sleeping the other night, I did a bit of sketching.
Of my nuditity? No, no, it's It's all Bert.
[gasping.]
Oh, my God.
It's Bert and some Blueberry.
[Maria.]
That's Bert signing the Magna Carta! Bert and Blueberry in the Thelma & Louise car.
Of course, Blueberry's driving.
Bert and Blueberry in that TV show Melissa & Joey.
That is Bert's favorite show, and he is mostly alone with that, except for most of America.
These are gorgeous.
If you're cool with it I'd love to do a bunch of sketches of you choppin' up your family.
Maybe with charcoal.
I would love that I mean are you sure? Just because I I'm on a ton of medications.
I have a not-light tremor.
I don't know if you're ready for this jelly.
I think I'm ready for this jelly.
You know what? My grandma, when she went to the psych ward, she grew, like, a small beard.
- Do you do that? - What do you think? Yes, I did.
I'd shave your beard.
That is possibly the most romantic thing - that has ever been said to me.
- [both laughing.]
Hey, I've I've never asked a human this question.
Would you like to go on a nature walk with me tomorrow? - I'd like that.
- [chuckling.]
Okay.
Well, it'll be awesome.
- Well Well - [grunting.]
Oh.
[Chantrelle.]
Celebriteasers, celebrity look-alikes.
No, we're only seeing Captain Jack Sparrows today.
So, am I to understand that we are now well rid of those shirts of tee? Oh, yeah.
They'll be in South Sudan by tomorrow night.
Even though I'm sick of all things nautical, that seems treacherously fast for a cargo vessel.
Girl, you said to get them out of here, and I quote, "ASPCA!" So I overnighted them.
And, how much, pray tell, is that going to cost? - $32,000.
- Huh.
- [hyperventilating.]
- Are you all right? I'm kinda falling apart, I'm I'm broke.
I'm actually, sort of, finished.
Please hold all my calls, okay? I'm about to shed this mortal coil.
Excuse me.
[muffled screaming.]
Barbara! Oh, God! I'll cancel your lunch.
[in Swahili.]
Look at this.
That's a reference to comic Maria Bamford.
I saw her on Netflix.
[chuckles.]
She works really hard to destigmatize mental illness.
Really brave.
I don't know her.
I'm more of a Natasha Leggero guy.
Look, I love Natasha Leggero.
But you can't possibly put her on the same level as Bamford.
It's apples and oranges.
Don't be a dick, Ron.
You're the one being a dick.
- You're a dick.
- Dick.
[in English.]
Ron.
Don't.
[in Swahili.]
Dick.
[in English.]
Don't.
[Karen.]
Suck your own cock for me, okay? I love ya.
News flash.
The Pepper Stepper Pepper-bot is selling like whore-flavored hot cakes.
We've already sold four in Singapore.
Bachelor party.
Don't ask.
That's $11 in your pocket.
Next item.
Who is the biggest TV star today? - Charlie Sheen.
- [mimics buzzer.]
Wrong! It's Wendie Malick.
Check out these titties Ch check out these titties, ooh! Check out these titties - Ch Check out these titties! - Whoa.
Malick wants back in television.
Ten words Wendie Malick Pitchapalooza, sponsored by a major national sandwich chain, unnamed due to legal reasons.
Here's how it works Wendie Malick gives us an hour of her time at an undisclosed location Wendie Malick will hear pitches.
The winner will be taken to a major television network to pitch the winning show with Wendie Malick.
- [gasping.]
- It will be a huge hit.
The winner will buy a motherfucking Maui vacation home with the syndication profits, okay? Boom! - [gasping and laughing.]
- That is the power of Malick.
Maria, I want you to Pitchapalooza.
Okay, I'm not a writer.
- Neither was Shakespeare.
- Okay.
He was a handjobbing hobo.
Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein on a dare.
So I double dare you to take yourself out of your comfort zone.
And I don't wanna give you an unfair advantage, but since I represent both you and Malick, I will tell you this.
- She is a major fucking Bamhead.
- [gasping.]
I'm getting that out there.
Get used to it.
- How many people are pitching? - Forty-seven.
That's a lot in one hour.
That's It's so fast.
If you know what you're talking about, you can explain any hit show in three words.
They sold Friends with three words Whiny, coffee, Jews.
Friends, okay? This is leg number two of the three-legged stool of your success machine.
Are you ready to sit hard on your stool? Yes! I am.
I am so filled with energy! I could take your desk and throw it I love that.
But please don't, because I'll have to call security to have you escorted out, okay? Now, get the fuck out of my office.
- Okay.
- And I want you to give the world a hit fucking sandwich-oriented show! Go! Fade in, interior hospital, our star, Wendie Subs, as played by Wendie Malick.
Crime, punishment, commercial Buick commercial.
"That's not a Buick.
" Find out later, it is a Buick.
Side note, check real estate listings in Maui with Buick money.
[screaming.]
- Hey, Graham! - How you doin', Maria? Oh! I am just tearing the cover off the ball in there.
With writing.
They said Aaron Sorkin writes this way.
And he is a major star of writing.
Well, how was your day of stuntmanning? - Not great.
[groaning.]
- Okay.
- I twisted my ankle again.
- Oh They wouldn't let me crash my car through the fruit stand.
I have an idea.
Let's write together! I'm not a writer.
We have to write together.
We've moved in together far too early.
We got engaged instead of breaking up.
We have obliterated every natural boundary in a relationship.
Writing together is the next natural step.
I love your energy.
I do.
I love your everything! - Ow.
Ow! - Oh, God! [chuckling.]
- [groaning.]
- Malick! It's a children's musical, but it's also a screenplay with puppets.
And woodworking! Beat the wood with a club.
Club sandwich! Everyone loves bowling.
Bowl three strikes.
That's a turkey! [shrieking.]
That's a turkey! [laughing.]
Pigs.
Pigs driving a car filled with bacon.
Tragic irony! [moaning.]
Bacon, turkey, club.
Three words.
I got it.
[laughing.]
Thank you for doing this, Maria.
For doing what? For clowning around like this and cheerin' me up.
It's exactly what I need after the day I've had.
- Okay.
- I just found out Lauren wants full custody of the kids.
Oh.
Children.
[stuttering.]
Custody.
Custard.
Custard cakes! Then all the injuries.
And my ankle again.
All these young guys are stealing my crashes.
I'm getting scared that I'm too old for this.
And it's bumming me out, big time.
I've never told anybody this, but depression runs in my family.
I guess I've always outrun it by trying to stay super active, and everything's, sort of, keepin' the sadness at bay.
[gasping.]
Bay-oncé and Jay Z! Hava! My mom tried to kill herself when I was seven.
[chuckling.]
Jesus Christ, I've never told anybody that.
I never [stuttering.]
God, I feel so safe with you.
[softly.]
Oh, is it That's why I'm drawn to people like you, Maria.
You're always up and full of energy.
That's me! Up, up and away! Get out of my way, I gotta get up! - Gotta go - [groaning.]
I'll be back in a second.
[muffled crying.]
[mumbling.]
- Put this on.
- [Maria.]
Oh.
It'll vibrate when Miss Malick is ready for you.
You have 20 seconds to approach Ms.
Malick, then 60 seconds to pitch.
After 60 seconds, this necklace will act as a Taser.
Okay.
Thank you so much, I appreciated it.
[Karen.]
Maria! Ready to Ma-lick the competition, you glorious bitch? Gonna make these losers Ma-lick your beautiful stank pipe? I should be a writer.
I really should.
I mean, I could never do what you do.
You're a goddamn magician.
You are the fucking best.
There are a lot of people here.
These assholes? They're all pieces of shit.
You're pieces of shit! Don't worry about it, they're all my best friends.
- It's fine.
Hey, Garry.
- Okay.
I just blew him in the bathroom.
No big deal.
He may have directed Pretty Woman.
What a fucking hack.
What's the matter with you? You look nervous.
Wanna blow someone for luck? - Garry, get your balls back over here.
- [announcer over PA.]
Maria Bamford.
- Okay.
- Listen to me.
Sixty seconds, three words.
Pitchapalooza.
Let's do this.
Okay.
[panting.]
Turkey, bacon, club.
Jews, coffee, Friends, whiny.
Turkey, bacon, club.
[announcer.]
Maria Bamford, You have one minute to pitch.
You need help, Maria.
You're fine.
Don't listen to that tired old heeb! I had a rolling brown-out in those slacks at Ron Popeil's July 4th ceviche bar.
Honey, can you be a dear and buy 17 cases of Monistat for me, please? Maria, your entire act is based on you being a victim.
And you stole it all from me.
- [Trabajito.]
Trabajito's always watching.
- Maria! - Please.
- Mine! [overlapping chatter.]
Feels right! Sounds good! Feels right! [exploding.]
[yelling.]
Turkey, bacon, club! - [gasping.]
- Hey, hey.
I I think you might need to talk to someone.
[softly.]
I think you might be right, Wendie Malick.
I think I might need some help.
[whispering.]
Turkey, bacon, club.
Ending up in Wendie Malick's tan, toned arms was not my proudest moment.
But now, I found a guy who likes me despite my mentals.
In college, I shaved my head.
And I would only wear clothes that I found on the street.
[Scott.]
Oh, that's cool.
I hate shopping.
I get most of my clothes at gas stations.
God, this is so freeing.
It's, like I feel like you're the first guy I could share everything with.
My childhood was crazy, too.
My dad used to chase us with knives.
What? Sometimes he'd wake us up for school with knives.
He'd stab you awake? No, just the pillows.
But if you moved, you'd get it.
Haven't you noticed I don't move when I sleep? I thought you were at peace.
Sometimes he'd ask us, "Hey, who wants to get a knife thrown at them?" It didn't matter what the answer was, he'd throw them anyway.
We experimented with saying, "Me!" Any way we answered, the knives would fly.
[gasping and sniffling.]
Okay.
I might need to take a second.
- [breathing heavily.]
- Are you okay? I really don't like knives.
I [sighing.]
I suspect it must be some past life thing.
[chuckles nervously.]
- Know who else doesn't like knives? - Who? My brother, Dave.
He took one in the neck in grade school.
Just [mimicking blood splattering.]
bled all over my lunch box and my sandwich.
[chuckling and shuddering.]
[distorted.]
You okay? [yelling.]
Knife feelings! Maria? [Bruce.]
Well, actually, that snare drum has a great deal of sentimental value.
It was given to me by the lead singer of Two Ps L, Pure Prairie League, - when he hit my wire-haired terrier.
- [punchline rimshot.]
It wasn't funny.
The dog was seriously injured.
- Five bucks.
- You cretin! [panting.]
Bruce! Bruce, I need your help.
I screwed up.
I screwed up bad.
I'm so sorry, my sweet.
- Now is not the opportune time.
- Okay.
My crippling financial woes have forced me to put all my objects up for sale on Craigslist.
And, right now, this college-aged viper is squeezing my manhood with his pricing.
I'll give you 200 bucks for everything.
That is not a fair price, kind sir, and you know it.
I'm not the one who needs money, fuck-o.
You're living in your van? I thought you were parking out here to think.
I wouldn't call it living, - and I do my best not to think.
- Oh.
Throw in that mini fridge and I'll give you 40 dollars.
How am I supposed to keep my cheeses cold? Bruce, I really screwed up.
I really like Scott, but then I ran.
I'm a coward! What What should I do? Hey, fucknut, for every second you don't answer, I'm gonna shave $10 off my offer.
So, $230.
- No.
Just wait a second.
- So, what do I do? - $220.
- Just write him a note $210.
[Chantrelle.]
I overnighted them.
[Bruce.]
I'm broke.
I'm broke.
[Chantrelle.]
$32,000.
[Maria.]
Maybe I could e-mail Look, Maria! I I just can't handle your shit now! Okay? - Oh, God.
- [stuttering.]
Oh, I'm so sorry.
[Maria.]
Even though I was having trouble being in a relationship, I had come a long way from my days in recovery.
Oh, Maria, thank you so much for helping me with my project, Big Brother, Big Mother.
That's Howard.
He's done time.
And he's not exactly a sex offender, but he's not exactly not a sex offender, - if you catch my drift.
- No, I don't at all.
He's working very hard on communication, especially with women.
Anyway, here.
Honey, put this on.
I got it at the pet store.
- I thought it would be fun.
- Okay.
Howard, this is my daughter, Maria, our makeshift woman.
- Mom, I am a woman.
- I hear you roar, but, shh, hon-bun.
This is Howard's time.
Okay, and Howard, what I want you to do is talk to Maria just like you'd talk to any of your buddies.
And Maria, if you could try to listen to Howard.
[Maria.]
Okay, okay.
Hi, Maria.
I believe women are not second-class citizens.
- [Maria.]
Oh, okay.
- [softly.]
Good.
When I see Hillary Clinton on TV, I don't wanna strangle her.
I don't think a lot of people can say that.
Oh, that's great, Howard.
That is great.
Maria, do you have anything you'd like to say back to Howard? [clicking tongue.]
Uh [mumbling.]
I knew it.
She hates me! Every woman hates me.
- I can't do this.
- Hey! Howard! Relax.
- Take a slow, cleansing breath.
- [breathing deeply.]
Maria Elizabeth Sheldon Bamford, I'd like to see you over by the Hummels.
- What the H gives, Maria? - [sighing.]
- Why didn't you look him in the eyes? - I have been.
I look into people's eyes all all the time.
Okay, little lady.
Which of my eyes has conjunctivitis? - [mumbles.]
The right one.
- No, they both do! You would know that if you weren't shutting out the world.
Keep that chin up, little lady.
I'll try.
Try is will's lazy cousin.
Do it, okay? And wash that chin.
I'm pretty infected.
[Howard grunting.]
Howard! No! Come, come.
Howard, dining room only.
Di Oh, my gosh.
[whimpering.]
[Maria.]
What the hell has happened to me, Bert? Why can't I look into people's eyes anymore? Did a spirit vandal break my soul windows? [groaning.]
Why can't everyone be like you? You have the charming physical appeal of both a cute dog and an 80-year-old man.
And you're easy to talk to.
And to look at.
[Bert.]
That's because dogs can't read human beings' minds, Maria.
Exactly.
You can't judge me.
You can't even see all the horrible, unwanted thoughts that I'm thinking.
Ones that I would never say out loud.
[chuckling.]
Even if I did, you wouldn't care.
[Bert.]
I wouldn't even know how to test out that premise.
For I can't read your mind.
Would you like to take that logic further, my sweet queen? What do you mean? [Bert.]
Humans can't read your mind either, Maria.
Except that gypsy woman on the other side of town.
- She's actually got a gift.
- Oh.
Maria, you can't worry about putting your baggage on other people.
The ones who love you will love you, baggage and all.
Maybe this will help you understand.
[acoustic guitar playing.]
[Bert and Maria singing "If You Could Read My Mind".]
[narrator on TV.]
Feelings at the water hole run high.
Everyone has to deal with their own shit, you know.
Even the solitary capuchin monkey.
[gasping.]
But Bim Bim now has a mate.
His name is Simba and they are fighting.
Because when you're in a relationship, you're not just dealing with your own shit, you're also dealing with someone else's.
And in this case, Bim Bim is dealing with Simba's shit.
And he has a lot of it.
But Bim Bim is determined to handle it.
Because that's what relationships are all about.
For man, and for monkey.
Oh, my God! That's what happened with Scott.
And Bruce.
You guys, stay here, take notes.
I gotta go.
- Bruce! Ooh.
- Maria.
[gasping.]
Don't look at me, please.
I'm hideous! And your balloons aren't ready yet.
- Aw.
- [stuttering.]
I'm so sorry that I lost it today on you, my pet.
I lashed out at the one person who means more to me than anything else in the world.
Today, the world cut me in half.
And put me back together the wrong way.
I'm like a 21st-century, emotional Humpty Dumpty! [weeping.]
And I'm I'm so sorry, Maria.
- I'm sorry.
- No, Bruce.
Bruce, no.
What you did It was good for me.
- No, you're just saying that.
- Yes! Listen, I understand.
I I used the brown word in anger.
That's totally not acceptable! - No.
It - I'm so ashamed.
It was totally acceptable.
I put the brown word on you.
You couldn't handle my brown word, the same way I couldn't handle Scott's.
I don't understand what you're talking about.
It's getting me kind of scared.
Relationships.
You have to handle another person's brown word.
Like the capuchin monkey, I wanna handle your brown word, okay? I wanna handle your brown word all day long! [chuckling.]
Oh, my God.
I'm feeling all these different feelings! [chuckling.]
How about this feeling? [inhaling.]
[high-pitched.]
"I'm Stevie Nicks.
And I'm a talent mentor on [sing-song.]
'This is The Voice.
'" - Can I try? - Yes! [high-pitched.]
"I'm Stevie Nicks.
I've had a restraining order against you since you soiled yourself in my van back in 1975.
" - [both laughing.]
- Speaking of restraining orders, it's time for me to put out an APB on a giant, bearded, bear-man who has burglarized my heart.
[breathing heavily.]
Excuse me.
- [chuckling.]
- There you go.
It's time for me to catch my perp.
[chuckles.]
My love perp! Ha! [screaming.]
Perp! [tires squealing.]
Up against the fence, perp! Maria, what's going on? - Come on.
- Whoa.
I'm taking you down to the station - of my heart.
- What? I'd done a lot of work on my road to wellness, but I didn't count on a side street of trepidation that was unpaved.
I've been a solitary capuchin monkey for a while.
I haven't had a partner.
But now I'm gonna treat my partner like a perp.
And my perp is a capuchin monkey! Nature.
Noir.
Rico! Is this about the stories from my childhood? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Your stories about your father hitting you with knives scared the capuchin monkey poo out of me.
Your stuff about chopping up your family and having sex with their bits is way scarier.
- Exactly! - Yeah.
Because it's my shit.
Other people's baggage is always much worse than your own.
I thought I was making progress 'cause I was able to put my shit on other people.
But now I realize that's just half the ball game.
In a relationship, you need to be able to handle the shit of another person.
Scott, I want to handle your shit! I wanna handle your shit, Maria.
- No shit? - I shit you not.
Get that shit over here.
[both chuckling.]
[choir singing.]
I don't know what I'm doing [chittering.]
More than half of the time [funk music playing.]