Lopez (2016) s01e10 Episode Script
George Needs Vegas
1 [upbeat Latin music.]
Step on it, Manolo.
I hate being late.
I am stepping on it.
Chebby's acting funny.
Thank you for coming in.
Yeah, we wanted to sit you down in person and let you know that the Vegas residency is looking very, very good.
With this Chebby deal, you have been really expanding your demo, mister.
Well, I didn't know Chebby had a demo, but that that's great.
And I don't usually pat myself on the back, but I must say that putting you in that roast was a real genius move on my part.
[laughs.]
It's blowing up, man.
I mean [imitates explosion.]
You know, the Live+7s are through the roof.
That's what we call the ratings for people are at home, watching on their DVRs within a week.
You do realize I've had several TV shows, right? - Of course we do, yeah.
- Yes.
And I have actually been fielding a lot of phone calls about TV for you.
Oh, about a new show? No, so just interest in re-running the first one.
Oh.
Well, you know what? That roast only went viral because every comedian in town was, like, just tearing me apart, and all I had to defend myself with were those stupid robot jokes.
Yeah, but all news is good news.
- They do say that.
- What? What does that mean? Okay, listen; I have to write a new act whether I get Las Vegas or not.
Oh, you're getting Vegas.
And your new material is gonna blow everyone away.
But, you know, I don't have anything yet, because you know, there's so much pressure that I haven't had a chance to write anything.
Then what the hell are you doing wasting time talking to us? - Get out there and go write! - You called me in.
Hey, but hey.
I'm here if you need me.
Okay.
All right.
Thanks.
- We believe, George.
- Yeah, yeah.
You think you guys could tweet something positive about me? You know, that can get traction? Like, you know, when I go feed old people at that house? - Yeah, we're on it, for sure.
- Okay.
Could something positive ever get traction? Never.
A whole new act.
That's that's tough, dude.
I mean, you have to write that from experience, but what's so funny about people being pissed off at you all the time? - Nothing.
- That's right, nothing.
You know, everybody did or said something funny the whole time I was married, but now that I need something, nothing.
How come you guys never do or say anything funny anymore? We do.
Maybe you're just too preoccupied to even notice.
Political acts are good.
Maybe you do more politics.
Trump's an ass.
But, hey, everyone's got one, right? [laughs.]
We're gonna be late.
[upbeat Latin music.]
People have water bottles.
They always carry water.
You know, I don't remember being thirsty all day.
What's gonna happen if you don't drink water all day? Ha! Damn, that's The grocery store, cookies That's not gonna work.
Riding a bike in traffic.
This is stupid.
I can't do it.
Why'd they used to be so easy? Cell phones.
Text.
People don't even talk on cell phones anymore.
They only they text.
This is sh that is crap, man.
That is stupid.
Oh! None of this is any good.
[knock at door.]
Stephen, I'm trying to get some work done in here.
Yeah, yeah.
George, you know, you and I are the type of friends that have had our ups and downs, right? But that's what makes it real, right? I don't know.
I just love how you have time to think of that stuff.
Yeah, I need you to keep an eye on my house for me.
All right.
Uh, you and Mrs.
Stephen going on a trip? I think Lauren is sleeping with someone.
Oh, man, I'm I'm sorry.
I didn't didn't know.
Yeah, just I just need you to keep an eye on my house, man, see who's destroying my marriage, you know? - I just I don't want to Ugh! - All right, I'll do that.
But right now, I'm working.
I have to write a whole new act.
Oh, yeah? Why? They don't think your stuff is funny? I thought that that's the whole point, you know, that unfunny humor is what's in now.
Mm.
That's funny.
All right, okay.
Let me get back at it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay? Right, right, right.
Right, yeah.
Hey.
You got stuff to I'm with you, man.
- Staying in there, okay? - [crying.]
It's a tough time for somebody to go through that.
I got you.
Too much.
[groans.]
I think I'm a little woozy.
A little help, George? I'm [groaning.]
Uh, I'm gonna be sick.
Ah.
Take that and get out of here.
Where to, jefe? I don't know.
Just get me out of here.
I know; take me to my land.
I'll call Alita.
Finally had to get the hell out of my house.
Oh, I thought we'd be further along on construction.
You know what I should do? Just set a desk out here, get some work done during the day.
You know, if your neighbor gets divorced and you play it right, you get three sales out of it.
Listen, original house plus two new ones, one for each of them.
We should have them over for dinner before it gets ugly.
So Stephen hired you as a private detective? No, he just wants me to catch his wife with some guy.
Wait a minute, yeah.
He kind of did hire me as a private detective.
Mexican "Magnum, P.
I.
" Oh, like a "Simón y Simón.
" You know, I don't think there has been a Latino private detective show.
I should do that, an hour.
That'd be very cool.
- I like it.
- They're animals! Filthy animals! We need to build a higher wall and have gun slits across the cap bricks.
Come, come, come, come.
Come.
Guns slits? What the hell's he talking about? I don't know.
"Lopez go home"? But this is my home.
Maybe it's not to you.
There are a lot of Lopezes around here.
Oh, so that's what we'll call them so we don't get in trouble? You know how to show the Lopezes you don't get scared? A checkpoint.
Sawhorses, couple of guys, some razor wire.
It sets up in an hour.
One call.
I guess people are upset you decided not to build a water park.
Okay, I didn't decide not to build a water park.
I was never building a water park! [bleep.]
George Lopez! I was gonna paint that, but I decided to wait and say it to your face.
Yeah, maybe you're just too lazy to go to the store and get some paint, actually do some work.
[spray paint cans rattling.]
- Do I need this? - Isn't this good? Because comedy comes from pain, and this has got to hurt.
All right, now I got to go try and sell a murder house to someone.
Having to disclose that to buyers sucks.
- Bye, Arton.
- Hey.
Wait a minute.
Where did you get that ring? At the pawn shop.
They have a whole bunch, if you want one.
It's right next to the jewelry store.
I know where it is! Okay, see that, Manolo? Everybody wants something from me Rings, a community garden, a water park.
What the hell is that? "Buy George"? Come on! Ha! Who would buy a house from George Lopez? I can't deal with this right now.
And when have I ever done a thumbs up in my life? I'm one of these right here.
I don't think it was your thumb, jefe.
They Photoshop a lot of that stuff.
You know, I just mean, like, if you're gonna use me, you want it to be something that's authentic.
I don't think people ever look at me like a thumbs up guy.
Maybe it's something you could start doing.
You know, change it up a bit, make it the hook of your act.
Like that guy who says, "What's the deal with that?" Jerry Sein feld.
- See, I know the difference now.
- Now you do.
Okay, so check this out.
There's never been a Latino detective show.
Like, a guy you don't expect.
He blends in.
He speaks two languages.
Like, "Oh, señora, pásale por aquÃ.
" Yeah, he's the one investigating her.
- I get it.
- Okay, go on.
Next weekend, he's at the car wash.
He's looking through.
They're getting forensics off the clothes that the people leave in the car.
Okay, wait, I thought this was a joke.
- It is, right? - No, it's not a joke.
This this is the show that I want to do.
Okay, so I thought we were meeting to talk about jokes that you were writing for the new act.
No, no, this is bigger than the new act.
Like, the guy's a retro detective, like a Magnum P.
I.
, like a Mexican P.
I.
And I'm watching if it's airing.
But what if you could just incorporate that into a joke for the new act that you're supposed to be writing? Yeah, like, "There's never been a Latino private detective show, because they're too busy running from the cops.
" [laughs.]
I like that, George.
You should use that.
- I could write more.
- I don't want you writing my act.
Yeah, he's right, you know? We don't need a Latino comic whose manager writes his material.
That'd be like Brian Wilson and Dr.
Eugene Landy.
Okay, look, it's just that, you know, I [sighs.]
I I don't I don't I don't have anything.
I don't I mean, I've been trying to work on a new act.
I don't think I could pull off coming up with a new act.
Say that again.
I don't think I can pull off writing a new act.
This, this, this.
This right here.
This is so Aziz.
- What's Aziz? - It's like he's self-aware, but we're not sure he knows he's self-aware.
Mm, no.
I mean, let's be realistic.
He's no Aziz.
But if you squint, he could be like a Louie CK? Okay, yeah.
Big idea.
Why don't you just do what Louie does? Yeah, George, do that.
That's a huge idea.
Wait a minute.
Do what Louie does? - What does that mean? - Exactly.
And yet he does it so effortlessly.
Yeah, he is tortured, and he's sad, but he makes that look effortless.
- This is the big idea? - Yeah.
You could just walk around eating pizza.
- Or a burrito.
- Better.
- How is that better? - Because pizza is to Louie as burrito is to you Okay, you know why it's better, George.
Don't make her say it.
Why don't I just walk downtown with a churro in both hands in the middle of the street? Good.
Lean into your brand.
I like that.
Look, the point is, George, is that no effort is the new trying hard, okay, whether your have a burrito or a churro.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Like this.
- No, keep it.
Go back.
Head back down.
- What? - What is - Less.
No, shh.
- I'm not doing anything! - Give me a little more than that.
- We got to be able to see it.
- I think less, because I think less.
Turn it down, down.
No, no, less anger.
Come on.
Let it go.
God damn it! You know what? I do not think he can pull this off.
Okay, listen! Louie CK does Louie CK.
That's what Louie CK does.
I'm George Lopez.
I just want to be George Lopez.
Ah, man! I waste my time coming in here.
Well, that was exactly like Louie.
Sad.
Come on, man.
Say something.
Can't think of anything.
You're making me nervous.
Come on, Eduardo.
You're always saying stupid stuff.
I just can't remember any of it.
Come on.
Fire it up.
Um I'm thinking of growing my hair out.
Seriously? Hey, tell him about your Mexican investigation show.
How's that going? Oh, man.
Come on.
That's a good idea, right? Okay, so I could be in Hawaii, or I could be in Alaska.
And you know how they sent Little Steven In that show, they sent him to Norway? They could send me to Iceland.
I'd be the only Chicano in Iceland.
But it's probably too cold, so I could be in the Everglades! With Jimmy Buffett as my side kick.
And right there in the beginning of the show, we'll be side by side on those airboats right there, right out of the alligators and go side by side, and the show starts like that.
Just don't forget about the crime-solving.
That's what it's really about.
Right? About the perfect criminal mastermind, my nemesis.
He don't have DNA, so he's always calling me on the phone to taunt me, saying that he can bleed all over the place and I'll never track him down.
Oh, and then in the middle of the night, he calls me, wakes me up, and he says he just pooped at the crime scene and that I'll only find out where he ate, not who he is.
He frustrates me, but then there's mutual admiration.
I don't even think it's mutual.
I just think I just admire him.
It's probably better if I admire him.
I'm confused.
Is this part of the new act you're supposed to be writing? [disgustedly.]
George Lopez.
Es hombre terrible! That's what the dude can say at the end of the show.
"George Lopez es un hombre terrible!" Trump.
Gonna build a wall.
Who's he gonna get to do the construction? Nah, that's played out.
Damn! [sighs.]
The permits.
Nah, that's no good.
That's just nowhere.
The Latino P.
I.
, that's what I should be doing.
Kissing the girls, saving the girls, cool-ass sports car, license plate that says, "Chingón.
" Racing down the street Everything about me is badass.
Boots made from exotic animals Sustainable, of course.
Big-ass belt buckle.
A shirt that says I mean business but also that I'm ready to party.
And the title says, uh, like, "George Lopez is "George Sanchez in 'Latino P.
I.
'" Yeah, yeah, and you know how they have, like, Dirty Harry? I could be Dirty Sanch Oh, uh, maybe not.
Nah, I'll just stick with "George Lopez.
" That's good.
Yeah, yeah.
And I'm always saving, like, widows and orphans, orphans that play volleyball but of legal age of consent.
And I could say something like Ladies, I think I have a lead on who murdered your coach.
And then the orphans say something like - That's great.
Who is it? - We can discuss that tonight at the opening of my cop bar that I'm opening because I recently retired to open it and to investigate.
What's the name of your bar? Wait, that is a good question.
What is the name of my bar? Oh, I know.
Alibi, young lady.
Kind of cliché, don't you think? No, she's right.
That that is kind of cliché.
How about 10-40 Ounce? That's a little stupid, huh? Too much exposition.
Needs more action.
Action.
Oh, yeah, action.
I need bad guys.
Oh, my God, the cartel! Ah, that's a little expected.
And why are you yelling? - [screams.]
- Oh, my God, the cartel! [brakes screech.]
My first thought is to save the orphans.
But I am curious.
I could stand my ground.
No, a cool dive That would be better.
[machine guns firing.]
And I'm like a Mexican MacGyver.
What could I make out of a gun and a volleyball? Wait, wait, wait a minute.
I'm so smart, I don't even use a gun.
I don't even need a gun, just the volleyball.
So while these fools are shooting, shooting, shooting, I start my master plan, the skillful art of misdirection.
[dramatic music.]
"Excuse me.
" And bam! I throw lots of punches.
Maybe I was a Navy SEAL where they taught me - how to throw that backward punch.
- [grunts.]
And all the orphans love me.
And then we share a joke together You know, because I don't want to lose my comedy fans.
- Why is it always the cartel? - [laughs.]
You know they're the only acceptable bad guys, George.
Yeah, but are they really worse than ISIS? [laughter.]
And we laugh and kiss and laugh and kiss, and we're out there kissing and laughing and laughing and kissing [kissing noise.]
[thud and rustling.]
Stephen? Hey.
George Lopez? Shh.
[lively percussive music.]
[car engine puttering.]
George! George.
- Oh, hey, Lauren.
- Hey.
I I know you saw something the other day.
- Oh, I didn't - And it's exactly what you're thinking.
- Okay.
- And the worst part is, I never signed a prenup with Stephen.
Really? 'Cause looking at him, I mean, he seems like somebody that you'd prenup.
I was young.
What can I say? Stephen swept me off my feet.
- He did? - This could ruin me.
All right.
Bye, Lauren.
[cell phone ringing.]
Hey, what's up, Arton? What? I got to deal with this right now? Oh, man, es gacho.
Villaraigosa's here? Does he live here too? See, Manolo? Everywhere I turn, everywhere I go.
I get it from all sides.
George Lopez came into this neighborhood like so many other outsiders.
What are you talking about? You can see my old house from here! Like so many other outsiders, he came here promising economic growth, community outreach, a water park for our children.
He will build a water park! He will build everything he said! George Lopez loves us! Okay, this is insane.
Come on! The Lopezes are getting restless, man.
Hey, shouldn't you be in school? This is for school.
Our social studies teacher is giving us extra credit for doing this.
George Lopez sucks! All: George Lopez sucks! George Lopez sucks! [bleep.]
George Lopez! Yeah, [bleep.]
George Lopez.
[all yelling.]
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
George Lopez! Ha ha ha ha! We made him run! [laughter and jeering.]
Oh, man, she's putting these damn things everywhere.
- What's up with these ads? - Oh, you like 'em? You don't think my face disappears too much, do you? Crowd: George Lopez sucks! Hey, so I don't think we're gonna do much better than your offer.
- So we're ready to sell to you.
- Fine.
We'll talk later.
Wait a minute.
You're buying my neighbor's property? Oh, yeah, she already bought Jamie's and the lot next to his.
Crowd: George Lopez sucks! All the Lopezes are moving.
That's a good thing.
- Okay, we need to talk.
- Okay, look.
George, I can explain.
I am always looking for smart investments.
You know that.
So it was just to make sure that if you wanted to expand, that no one would, you know, jack up the price to try to sell it to you.
You know what? I'm tired of you using me.
Using my name, using my face all to make a buck.
You know, I'm sick and tired of it, okay? You're not using me anymore.
I need to know where our relationship stands right now.
It's over.
That's where it stands.
Hey, you can't do this to me, George.
This is ridiculous.
Why? I'm tired of being protested and taken advantage of or somebody putting me in ads.
Unless I want them to.
Hey, and no more George Lopez puns.
"Buy George.
" Here's a pun for you: Bye.
Okay, George? Just so you know, I'm very good at separating personal from business.
I'll still rep the Pebble Beach house! [car door shuts.]
[phone chiming.]
Hey.
I got a bone to pick with you, funnyman.
Oh, yeah? Get in line.
I asked you, as a neighbor and a bro, as a neighbro, to keep an eye on Lauren.
All right, and I told you that I didn't want to be involved in that, but I guess nobody seems to care what I want.
Oh, come on.
Don't try and deflect, George.
I'm trying to own my anger here.
You know, you should be angry at Lauren.
No, she she told me about all of it, you know? - And we're we're working it out.
- Congratulations.
We're we're not working out, me and you, us.
There is no us, Stephen.
That's right! That's right, mister.
It's it's over.
You know, it's done.
She was honest with me when she thought my good friend George - was gonna tell me.
- How is that being honest? You knew and didn't tell.
That's way worse than telling when you think you're gonna get caught.
You know, I've been stemming the tide around here, you know, George, telling people, you know, "You don't know him like I do.
George is okay.
He knows Arsenio.
He knows Big Jake Steinfeld.
But anyway, he's all right.
" But, hey, hey, that's over.
That book is closed.
You're on your own, my friend.
Tied, unstemmed! And I want my AC unit back by 8:00 a.
m.
tomorrow morning, or I'm pressing I'm pressing charges! Pressing charges! Honey, did you see me? Did you see me go off on him? Oh.
George, where are you? I've got great news.
Call me.
Oh, my God, yes! Whoa! Man.
Oh, man.
George, good.
You got the residency show.
Oh, thank God! And thank me.
How's your act coming along? You know what? It's gonna be coming along great as soon as I get the hell out of here.
Perfect.
Hey, how quickly can you get to Vegas? They want you to play the main stage for three weeks while we're just still meeting and setting up the residency show.
I'm on my way.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Vegas! Whoo! Thank God.
I'm out of here.
Whoo!
Step on it, Manolo.
I hate being late.
I am stepping on it.
Chebby's acting funny.
Thank you for coming in.
Yeah, we wanted to sit you down in person and let you know that the Vegas residency is looking very, very good.
With this Chebby deal, you have been really expanding your demo, mister.
Well, I didn't know Chebby had a demo, but that that's great.
And I don't usually pat myself on the back, but I must say that putting you in that roast was a real genius move on my part.
[laughs.]
It's blowing up, man.
I mean [imitates explosion.]
You know, the Live+7s are through the roof.
That's what we call the ratings for people are at home, watching on their DVRs within a week.
You do realize I've had several TV shows, right? - Of course we do, yeah.
- Yes.
And I have actually been fielding a lot of phone calls about TV for you.
Oh, about a new show? No, so just interest in re-running the first one.
Oh.
Well, you know what? That roast only went viral because every comedian in town was, like, just tearing me apart, and all I had to defend myself with were those stupid robot jokes.
Yeah, but all news is good news.
- They do say that.
- What? What does that mean? Okay, listen; I have to write a new act whether I get Las Vegas or not.
Oh, you're getting Vegas.
And your new material is gonna blow everyone away.
But, you know, I don't have anything yet, because you know, there's so much pressure that I haven't had a chance to write anything.
Then what the hell are you doing wasting time talking to us? - Get out there and go write! - You called me in.
Hey, but hey.
I'm here if you need me.
Okay.
All right.
Thanks.
- We believe, George.
- Yeah, yeah.
You think you guys could tweet something positive about me? You know, that can get traction? Like, you know, when I go feed old people at that house? - Yeah, we're on it, for sure.
- Okay.
Could something positive ever get traction? Never.
A whole new act.
That's that's tough, dude.
I mean, you have to write that from experience, but what's so funny about people being pissed off at you all the time? - Nothing.
- That's right, nothing.
You know, everybody did or said something funny the whole time I was married, but now that I need something, nothing.
How come you guys never do or say anything funny anymore? We do.
Maybe you're just too preoccupied to even notice.
Political acts are good.
Maybe you do more politics.
Trump's an ass.
But, hey, everyone's got one, right? [laughs.]
We're gonna be late.
[upbeat Latin music.]
People have water bottles.
They always carry water.
You know, I don't remember being thirsty all day.
What's gonna happen if you don't drink water all day? Ha! Damn, that's The grocery store, cookies That's not gonna work.
Riding a bike in traffic.
This is stupid.
I can't do it.
Why'd they used to be so easy? Cell phones.
Text.
People don't even talk on cell phones anymore.
They only they text.
This is sh that is crap, man.
That is stupid.
Oh! None of this is any good.
[knock at door.]
Stephen, I'm trying to get some work done in here.
Yeah, yeah.
George, you know, you and I are the type of friends that have had our ups and downs, right? But that's what makes it real, right? I don't know.
I just love how you have time to think of that stuff.
Yeah, I need you to keep an eye on my house for me.
All right.
Uh, you and Mrs.
Stephen going on a trip? I think Lauren is sleeping with someone.
Oh, man, I'm I'm sorry.
I didn't didn't know.
Yeah, just I just need you to keep an eye on my house, man, see who's destroying my marriage, you know? - I just I don't want to Ugh! - All right, I'll do that.
But right now, I'm working.
I have to write a whole new act.
Oh, yeah? Why? They don't think your stuff is funny? I thought that that's the whole point, you know, that unfunny humor is what's in now.
Mm.
That's funny.
All right, okay.
Let me get back at it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay? Right, right, right.
Right, yeah.
Hey.
You got stuff to I'm with you, man.
- Staying in there, okay? - [crying.]
It's a tough time for somebody to go through that.
I got you.
Too much.
[groans.]
I think I'm a little woozy.
A little help, George? I'm [groaning.]
Uh, I'm gonna be sick.
Ah.
Take that and get out of here.
Where to, jefe? I don't know.
Just get me out of here.
I know; take me to my land.
I'll call Alita.
Finally had to get the hell out of my house.
Oh, I thought we'd be further along on construction.
You know what I should do? Just set a desk out here, get some work done during the day.
You know, if your neighbor gets divorced and you play it right, you get three sales out of it.
Listen, original house plus two new ones, one for each of them.
We should have them over for dinner before it gets ugly.
So Stephen hired you as a private detective? No, he just wants me to catch his wife with some guy.
Wait a minute, yeah.
He kind of did hire me as a private detective.
Mexican "Magnum, P.
I.
" Oh, like a "Simón y Simón.
" You know, I don't think there has been a Latino private detective show.
I should do that, an hour.
That'd be very cool.
- I like it.
- They're animals! Filthy animals! We need to build a higher wall and have gun slits across the cap bricks.
Come, come, come, come.
Come.
Guns slits? What the hell's he talking about? I don't know.
"Lopez go home"? But this is my home.
Maybe it's not to you.
There are a lot of Lopezes around here.
Oh, so that's what we'll call them so we don't get in trouble? You know how to show the Lopezes you don't get scared? A checkpoint.
Sawhorses, couple of guys, some razor wire.
It sets up in an hour.
One call.
I guess people are upset you decided not to build a water park.
Okay, I didn't decide not to build a water park.
I was never building a water park! [bleep.]
George Lopez! I was gonna paint that, but I decided to wait and say it to your face.
Yeah, maybe you're just too lazy to go to the store and get some paint, actually do some work.
[spray paint cans rattling.]
- Do I need this? - Isn't this good? Because comedy comes from pain, and this has got to hurt.
All right, now I got to go try and sell a murder house to someone.
Having to disclose that to buyers sucks.
- Bye, Arton.
- Hey.
Wait a minute.
Where did you get that ring? At the pawn shop.
They have a whole bunch, if you want one.
It's right next to the jewelry store.
I know where it is! Okay, see that, Manolo? Everybody wants something from me Rings, a community garden, a water park.
What the hell is that? "Buy George"? Come on! Ha! Who would buy a house from George Lopez? I can't deal with this right now.
And when have I ever done a thumbs up in my life? I'm one of these right here.
I don't think it was your thumb, jefe.
They Photoshop a lot of that stuff.
You know, I just mean, like, if you're gonna use me, you want it to be something that's authentic.
I don't think people ever look at me like a thumbs up guy.
Maybe it's something you could start doing.
You know, change it up a bit, make it the hook of your act.
Like that guy who says, "What's the deal with that?" Jerry Sein feld.
- See, I know the difference now.
- Now you do.
Okay, so check this out.
There's never been a Latino detective show.
Like, a guy you don't expect.
He blends in.
He speaks two languages.
Like, "Oh, señora, pásale por aquÃ.
" Yeah, he's the one investigating her.
- I get it.
- Okay, go on.
Next weekend, he's at the car wash.
He's looking through.
They're getting forensics off the clothes that the people leave in the car.
Okay, wait, I thought this was a joke.
- It is, right? - No, it's not a joke.
This this is the show that I want to do.
Okay, so I thought we were meeting to talk about jokes that you were writing for the new act.
No, no, this is bigger than the new act.
Like, the guy's a retro detective, like a Magnum P.
I.
, like a Mexican P.
I.
And I'm watching if it's airing.
But what if you could just incorporate that into a joke for the new act that you're supposed to be writing? Yeah, like, "There's never been a Latino private detective show, because they're too busy running from the cops.
" [laughs.]
I like that, George.
You should use that.
- I could write more.
- I don't want you writing my act.
Yeah, he's right, you know? We don't need a Latino comic whose manager writes his material.
That'd be like Brian Wilson and Dr.
Eugene Landy.
Okay, look, it's just that, you know, I [sighs.]
I I don't I don't I don't have anything.
I don't I mean, I've been trying to work on a new act.
I don't think I could pull off coming up with a new act.
Say that again.
I don't think I can pull off writing a new act.
This, this, this.
This right here.
This is so Aziz.
- What's Aziz? - It's like he's self-aware, but we're not sure he knows he's self-aware.
Mm, no.
I mean, let's be realistic.
He's no Aziz.
But if you squint, he could be like a Louie CK? Okay, yeah.
Big idea.
Why don't you just do what Louie does? Yeah, George, do that.
That's a huge idea.
Wait a minute.
Do what Louie does? - What does that mean? - Exactly.
And yet he does it so effortlessly.
Yeah, he is tortured, and he's sad, but he makes that look effortless.
- This is the big idea? - Yeah.
You could just walk around eating pizza.
- Or a burrito.
- Better.
- How is that better? - Because pizza is to Louie as burrito is to you Okay, you know why it's better, George.
Don't make her say it.
Why don't I just walk downtown with a churro in both hands in the middle of the street? Good.
Lean into your brand.
I like that.
Look, the point is, George, is that no effort is the new trying hard, okay, whether your have a burrito or a churro.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Like this.
- No, keep it.
Go back.
Head back down.
- What? - What is - Less.
No, shh.
- I'm not doing anything! - Give me a little more than that.
- We got to be able to see it.
- I think less, because I think less.
Turn it down, down.
No, no, less anger.
Come on.
Let it go.
God damn it! You know what? I do not think he can pull this off.
Okay, listen! Louie CK does Louie CK.
That's what Louie CK does.
I'm George Lopez.
I just want to be George Lopez.
Ah, man! I waste my time coming in here.
Well, that was exactly like Louie.
Sad.
Come on, man.
Say something.
Can't think of anything.
You're making me nervous.
Come on, Eduardo.
You're always saying stupid stuff.
I just can't remember any of it.
Come on.
Fire it up.
Um I'm thinking of growing my hair out.
Seriously? Hey, tell him about your Mexican investigation show.
How's that going? Oh, man.
Come on.
That's a good idea, right? Okay, so I could be in Hawaii, or I could be in Alaska.
And you know how they sent Little Steven In that show, they sent him to Norway? They could send me to Iceland.
I'd be the only Chicano in Iceland.
But it's probably too cold, so I could be in the Everglades! With Jimmy Buffett as my side kick.
And right there in the beginning of the show, we'll be side by side on those airboats right there, right out of the alligators and go side by side, and the show starts like that.
Just don't forget about the crime-solving.
That's what it's really about.
Right? About the perfect criminal mastermind, my nemesis.
He don't have DNA, so he's always calling me on the phone to taunt me, saying that he can bleed all over the place and I'll never track him down.
Oh, and then in the middle of the night, he calls me, wakes me up, and he says he just pooped at the crime scene and that I'll only find out where he ate, not who he is.
He frustrates me, but then there's mutual admiration.
I don't even think it's mutual.
I just think I just admire him.
It's probably better if I admire him.
I'm confused.
Is this part of the new act you're supposed to be writing? [disgustedly.]
George Lopez.
Es hombre terrible! That's what the dude can say at the end of the show.
"George Lopez es un hombre terrible!" Trump.
Gonna build a wall.
Who's he gonna get to do the construction? Nah, that's played out.
Damn! [sighs.]
The permits.
Nah, that's no good.
That's just nowhere.
The Latino P.
I.
, that's what I should be doing.
Kissing the girls, saving the girls, cool-ass sports car, license plate that says, "Chingón.
" Racing down the street Everything about me is badass.
Boots made from exotic animals Sustainable, of course.
Big-ass belt buckle.
A shirt that says I mean business but also that I'm ready to party.
And the title says, uh, like, "George Lopez is "George Sanchez in 'Latino P.
I.
'" Yeah, yeah, and you know how they have, like, Dirty Harry? I could be Dirty Sanch Oh, uh, maybe not.
Nah, I'll just stick with "George Lopez.
" That's good.
Yeah, yeah.
And I'm always saving, like, widows and orphans, orphans that play volleyball but of legal age of consent.
And I could say something like Ladies, I think I have a lead on who murdered your coach.
And then the orphans say something like - That's great.
Who is it? - We can discuss that tonight at the opening of my cop bar that I'm opening because I recently retired to open it and to investigate.
What's the name of your bar? Wait, that is a good question.
What is the name of my bar? Oh, I know.
Alibi, young lady.
Kind of cliché, don't you think? No, she's right.
That that is kind of cliché.
How about 10-40 Ounce? That's a little stupid, huh? Too much exposition.
Needs more action.
Action.
Oh, yeah, action.
I need bad guys.
Oh, my God, the cartel! Ah, that's a little expected.
And why are you yelling? - [screams.]
- Oh, my God, the cartel! [brakes screech.]
My first thought is to save the orphans.
But I am curious.
I could stand my ground.
No, a cool dive That would be better.
[machine guns firing.]
And I'm like a Mexican MacGyver.
What could I make out of a gun and a volleyball? Wait, wait, wait a minute.
I'm so smart, I don't even use a gun.
I don't even need a gun, just the volleyball.
So while these fools are shooting, shooting, shooting, I start my master plan, the skillful art of misdirection.
[dramatic music.]
"Excuse me.
" And bam! I throw lots of punches.
Maybe I was a Navy SEAL where they taught me - how to throw that backward punch.
- [grunts.]
And all the orphans love me.
And then we share a joke together You know, because I don't want to lose my comedy fans.
- Why is it always the cartel? - [laughs.]
You know they're the only acceptable bad guys, George.
Yeah, but are they really worse than ISIS? [laughter.]
And we laugh and kiss and laugh and kiss, and we're out there kissing and laughing and laughing and kissing [kissing noise.]
[thud and rustling.]
Stephen? Hey.
George Lopez? Shh.
[lively percussive music.]
[car engine puttering.]
George! George.
- Oh, hey, Lauren.
- Hey.
I I know you saw something the other day.
- Oh, I didn't - And it's exactly what you're thinking.
- Okay.
- And the worst part is, I never signed a prenup with Stephen.
Really? 'Cause looking at him, I mean, he seems like somebody that you'd prenup.
I was young.
What can I say? Stephen swept me off my feet.
- He did? - This could ruin me.
All right.
Bye, Lauren.
[cell phone ringing.]
Hey, what's up, Arton? What? I got to deal with this right now? Oh, man, es gacho.
Villaraigosa's here? Does he live here too? See, Manolo? Everywhere I turn, everywhere I go.
I get it from all sides.
George Lopez came into this neighborhood like so many other outsiders.
What are you talking about? You can see my old house from here! Like so many other outsiders, he came here promising economic growth, community outreach, a water park for our children.
He will build a water park! He will build everything he said! George Lopez loves us! Okay, this is insane.
Come on! The Lopezes are getting restless, man.
Hey, shouldn't you be in school? This is for school.
Our social studies teacher is giving us extra credit for doing this.
George Lopez sucks! All: George Lopez sucks! George Lopez sucks! [bleep.]
George Lopez! Yeah, [bleep.]
George Lopez.
[all yelling.]
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
George Lopez! Ha ha ha ha! We made him run! [laughter and jeering.]
Oh, man, she's putting these damn things everywhere.
- What's up with these ads? - Oh, you like 'em? You don't think my face disappears too much, do you? Crowd: George Lopez sucks! Hey, so I don't think we're gonna do much better than your offer.
- So we're ready to sell to you.
- Fine.
We'll talk later.
Wait a minute.
You're buying my neighbor's property? Oh, yeah, she already bought Jamie's and the lot next to his.
Crowd: George Lopez sucks! All the Lopezes are moving.
That's a good thing.
- Okay, we need to talk.
- Okay, look.
George, I can explain.
I am always looking for smart investments.
You know that.
So it was just to make sure that if you wanted to expand, that no one would, you know, jack up the price to try to sell it to you.
You know what? I'm tired of you using me.
Using my name, using my face all to make a buck.
You know, I'm sick and tired of it, okay? You're not using me anymore.
I need to know where our relationship stands right now.
It's over.
That's where it stands.
Hey, you can't do this to me, George.
This is ridiculous.
Why? I'm tired of being protested and taken advantage of or somebody putting me in ads.
Unless I want them to.
Hey, and no more George Lopez puns.
"Buy George.
" Here's a pun for you: Bye.
Okay, George? Just so you know, I'm very good at separating personal from business.
I'll still rep the Pebble Beach house! [car door shuts.]
[phone chiming.]
Hey.
I got a bone to pick with you, funnyman.
Oh, yeah? Get in line.
I asked you, as a neighbor and a bro, as a neighbro, to keep an eye on Lauren.
All right, and I told you that I didn't want to be involved in that, but I guess nobody seems to care what I want.
Oh, come on.
Don't try and deflect, George.
I'm trying to own my anger here.
You know, you should be angry at Lauren.
No, she she told me about all of it, you know? - And we're we're working it out.
- Congratulations.
We're we're not working out, me and you, us.
There is no us, Stephen.
That's right! That's right, mister.
It's it's over.
You know, it's done.
She was honest with me when she thought my good friend George - was gonna tell me.
- How is that being honest? You knew and didn't tell.
That's way worse than telling when you think you're gonna get caught.
You know, I've been stemming the tide around here, you know, George, telling people, you know, "You don't know him like I do.
George is okay.
He knows Arsenio.
He knows Big Jake Steinfeld.
But anyway, he's all right.
" But, hey, hey, that's over.
That book is closed.
You're on your own, my friend.
Tied, unstemmed! And I want my AC unit back by 8:00 a.
m.
tomorrow morning, or I'm pressing I'm pressing charges! Pressing charges! Honey, did you see me? Did you see me go off on him? Oh.
George, where are you? I've got great news.
Call me.
Oh, my God, yes! Whoa! Man.
Oh, man.
George, good.
You got the residency show.
Oh, thank God! And thank me.
How's your act coming along? You know what? It's gonna be coming along great as soon as I get the hell out of here.
Perfect.
Hey, how quickly can you get to Vegas? They want you to play the main stage for three weeks while we're just still meeting and setting up the residency show.
I'm on my way.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Vegas! Whoo! Thank God.
I'm out of here.
Whoo!