Maron (2013) s01e10 Episode Script

Oh, man.
Sweetbreads, Kale, rutabaga, and lemon-drop candy.
That is crazy.
What are they gonna do with the candy? Sauce.
Right.
They always do that.
It's gonna be like a lemon-drop reduction.
Or dressing.
Maybe a dressing.
Hmm.
Can I put my feet on you? Oh.
Stinky.
What is it? Tell me.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
It's so screwed up.
What is it, baby? I don't even want to tell you, because then you're gonna get freaked out, and you're gonna get me more freaked out, and we're gonna get in a stupid fight, and it's gonna make everything worse.
Oh, just tell me.
Maybe I can help you out.
Promise you won't get angry? No, I-I can't promise that.
Okay, you know that weird family that I'm renting a room from? Yeah.
Well, they are evicting me.
Jesus Christ! What, are you behind on the rent? See? I knew I shouldn't have told you.
No, I'm not freaked out.
I mean, just I can help you out.
How much do you need? What do you owe them? No, I paid the rent.
It's not about that.
They have some cousin that they want to give the room to.
Or I don't know there's some person from someplace that's Related in some way.
I don't know.
I didn't get the full story.
That doesn't even sound legal.
I mean, don't you have some sort of renters agreement or squatters rights or something? I don't have money for, like, a lawyer and all that bullshit.
I never liked it there, and I just want to get out.
Well, you know what we got to do? Find you a new place.
I can help you with the deposit.
Yeah.
That's cool.
Great.
Can I, um, move some of my stuff over here? Just temporarily.
I don't know.
What's the big deal? I'm over here all the time anyways.
Yeah, I know, but your stuff is somewhere else.
And that makes me feel less pressure.
You have your own life.
No, we live in your life, and I visit mine occasionally.
I think that's good, though, right? I mean, we We have boundaries.
There's space.
There's It's fine.
I'll sort it out.
Look, there's just not that much room here.
There's an empty bedroom.
I have a yoga mat in there.
And I I visit it occasionally.
You know what? I'll just I'm gonna get a storage space, and and I'm sure Stacy can help me out.
So I'm gonna go pack and make phone calls, and I am sorry I-I don't have time to finish watching this.
Just wait.
It's it's fine.
Are you sure? Yeah, I'll roll up the mat.
Wow.
I don't want to put you out or anything.
But we both agree that it's too soon for us to be living together, right? Sure.
Can you help me move all my stuff? Yeah.
Fine.
Whatever you need.
Oh! You're the best! Ohh, god.
The best Oh, boy.
Best, best boyfriend ever.
Won't fall for it you can't see and you can't tell I just can't drink from the poisoned well This place is creepy.
You say that like you've never been here before.
I was here? I must have blocked it out completely.
You know, it's illegal to kick someone out of their home without a notice.
Hello? Where's the humanity here? I know you can hear me.
I can get a lawyer involved, but I choose not to.
I can never tell whether they want to rape me or kill me.
I got that same feeling.
I don't know.
Is that racist or reasonable? No, it's just creepy here.
It's really cheap, though.
How did you find this place? Bulletin board at the laundromat.
Wow.
Surprising it didn't work out.
Um, I didn't really have time to clean.
Ohh.
You mean you didn't have the chance to clean ever? Well, I just haven't had a chance to get organized.
Oh.
I was gonna eat that.
When? Don't know.
A-are you a hoarder? Seriously.
I need to know.
Are we gonna find, like, a dead cat or bags of human poo in here? No, I just have a lot of stuff.
And by the time I get around to going through it, it just winds up in a pile again.
Oh, yeah.
That's called hoarding.
Please stop saying that.
But with you, it's adorable hoarding.
Look, it's not that much stuff, okay? We're gonna take the boxes out to the cars.
We'll throw everything else in a trash bag, and then we'll drive it over in two cars.
I vote for putting it in trash bags and then putting it in the trash.
Be nice to me! I am a displaced person in a crisis.
I am a refugee.
This is very traumatic for me.
Aw, don't be such a trauma queen.
Mwah.
All right.
Okay.
We'll take care of it.
Books.
Did you actually read all these? I have read some of all of them.
I need to finish them.
Wow.
I actually have this one.
It's nice we have the same taste in books we haven't read.
Magic markers and children's games.
Oh, my god.
Have you had this stuff since preschool? No, idiot.
It's for the kids I work with.
Oh, right.
Harry Potter legos? For the kids? No.
Mine.
I love Harry Potter.
That's good to know.
Well, there's no more room in either car, so we should probably just come back for it tomorrow.
Are you sure you need it? I mean, you don't really seem to put anything in cabinets or drawers.
Oh, my god.
Do you really need all this shit? Yes.
This is my life.
Honestly, I think she's a hoarder.
Oh.
You just found this out? Well, maybe I was in denial.
I don't know.
What does she hoard? She's got Harry Potter legos.
She's got unbuilt furniture in her room.
There's, like, uh, tupperware containers, like, a lot of them.
Mounds of clothing.
Like, mounds of clo Uh, pez dispensers.
Women have stuff.
Come on! Doesn't that seem like weird hoardy stuff to you, Adam? No, not really.
Well, she's got other problems.
Like she's, uh, very manipulative.
Like how? Like she, uh she wanted me to help her move Okay.
All of her stuff into my house, and I did it.
Oh.
So she's moving in.
I've only known her six weeks.
So she's not moving in.
I don't know, Adam.
I don't understand.
She's moved her stuff into my house "temporarily.
" So you are freaking out because she's temporarily keeping some of her stuff in your house.
Yes.
Marc, I think you might be the crazy one.
She sounds fine.
Really? Yeah.
Huh.
That makes me feel better.
Are you gonna interview me or? Hi, I'm, uh I'm here to pick up the dresser that's in Jen's room.
Uh I'll just go in and get it.
I just want to say again that I think it was wrong that you guys kicked Jen out.
And, actually, I think it was illegal.
All right, there.
I said it.
No one kicked her out.
Excuse me? She said she was moving in with her boyfriend.
That's not what she told me.
Are you the father? No.
I'm the boyfriend.
Hey, baby! Hey.
I had a breakthrough today.
It's pretty amazing.
You know that kid I work with just started using this program on his iPad to communicate with me, and he said, "thank you.
" He has very little communication skills, so "thank you" is a big deal.
Uh-huh.
What's wrong? Do I need to get you an iPad, too? Well, I don't know.
I guess I'm still pissed off at your landlord.
I mean, there's got to be a law about that stuff, right? Yes, I agree.
There should be.
But you know what? It's a family home, so I have no recourse.
I looked it all up online.
Really? You looked it up? Where did you look it up? Online.
Oh, could you shoot me that link? 'Cause I'd like to see that.
Yeah, if I can find it again.
You could just check your browser history.
It should be right there, right? Yeah, I guess so.
Anyways, isn't it great about the kid making progress? I am good at my job.
Yay me! I picked up, uh, your dresser.
Oh, god.
That's great.
Thank you.
I would have helped you.
Is it out in the car? Yeah.
Those two guys over at the house helped me with it.
Wow, I can't believe they stopped texting long enough to do anything.
They're really creepy pervy, right? Uh-huh.
Did you know, uh, one of them speaks English? Yes.
They told me that they didn't kick you out.
What? Yeah, he said that you told them that you were moving in with your boyfriend.
That's ridiculous.
Is it? Yes.
Why would I lie? To move in here! They're lying.
Those guys are assholes.
They were always hitting on me.
Why didn't you tell me that before? Because I can take care of myself.
Well, I could have helped you out.
How? You wouldn't have told me to move in here.
Yes! You just admitted it.
You wanted to move in here.
Yes, Marc! You're right! I am just some crazy, manipulative scam artist.
This is all just a long con.
I am in it for the cats.
I don't know, given our history.
You have problems, dude.
Look, if you're telling the truth, let's just go out to your computer, and we'll go to that site with the law info.
It's so amazing that you still don't believe me! Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go and stay at Stacy's, and I'm gonna find someplace else to stay tomorrow, okay?! Wait.
I hate when people leave, especially in the middle of a fight, because on some level, it's like interrupting sex.
I mean, in my mind, it's not over until somebody cries and I apologize.
Fighting, that is.
Not sex.
I don't know why, but I just can't tell if somebody loves me unless I can make them cry.
I know it's sick.
But it's like foreplay for emotionally unhealthy people.
But let's be honest.
There is no sex better than the sex had on a pile of clothing that's been taken out of drawers to leave you with, because everything depends on it.
What's going on, man? Sorry.
Is the music too loud? I can get someone to turn it down.
I don't know.
I'm looking for Jen.
Are You a cop? No, I'm not a cop.
Oh.
All right.
Oh, you're Jen's dad.
No! I'm Jen's boyfriend, man.
Boyfriend? Jen, can I talk to you, please? About what? Why are you even here? I was just starting to feel better.
You stormed out.
We were talking.
Yeah, I was finished talking, okay? You're making a scene.
Oh, I'm making a scene? You stormed out of my house.
We were in the middle of an argument.
You're embarrassing me, okay? These are my friends, so can you just not Can you go home, and we'll talk about this later, Marc? Yeah, fine.
Hey, let go of me.
Who the hell are you? Let's go for a walk.
I don't need an escort.
I'm just talking to Jen.
It's cool.
Let's just go outside.
She's obviously upset, okay? Yeah, I'm upset.
All right, well, that's why we're gonna go outside.
W-what, are we gonna fight? We'll see.
Yeah, coming outside was a good idea.
It's nice.
Yeah.
So, you guys were friends with her in college? Yeah.
Yep.
Crazy, right? So long ago.
It wasn't that long ago.
I-I can barely remember college.
What was she like then? She was cool.
She was cool.
She was a little nuts.
Yeah, tell me about that, the nuts thing.
'Cause we've been together a little while now, and she's starting to do shit that's freaking me out a bit.
Well, that's Jen.
No, seriously, man.
I mean, she's, like, watching murder shows all day long.
Like, I don't know if she thinks I'm gonna kill her or she's gonna kill me.
And and she plays video games like a dude.
And the mess.
I mean, is there something wrong with her? Is there something I should know about? No, man.
No, no, no, no.
No.
No.
I know tons of chicks like that.
You know, have you ever thought it might be the, uh The age difference? Mm.
No, I never think about that at all.
Yeah, well, maybe you should.
'Cause you're kind of an old guy.
Hey, take it easy, buddy.
She also just got evicted.
I mean, that's really messed up, you know.
Is that what she told you? Well, yeah.
'Cause that's what she told me, but I went over by the house, and those two guys said that she moved out to move in with me.
That's not what she said to us.
She said she was nervous about asking you if she could stay there, and then you flipped out on her.
I flipped out 'cause I thought she was lying.
Whoa.
Yeah.
I mean, that place was weird.
Yeah.
It was weird.
It was pretty sketchy.
But we helped her move in.
Hell, I would have lied to get out of there, too.
Well, you know, if if she were lying.
I mean, you want to be with her, right? Yeah, but but I'm not ready to move in with her.
I mean, I've I've had a rough couple years, and, you know, I don't know if I trust her, and I'm a little crazy.
Well, she really cares about you, man.
Mm-hmm.
Chicks are hard.
No shit.
Right? All right, I'm just gonna go in there, and I'm gonna talk to her.
No.
Come on.
Come on, man.
Come on.
Why don't you just go home and let her cool off? Yeah.
Y-you don't think I should apologize? Mnh-mnh.
You should give her a little space.
Yeah.
They love space.
Yeah.
But you'll tell her I talked to you guys, right? And then, you know, tell her that, like, you know, I feel bad or something.
Do you feel bad? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
We'll tell her all that stuff.
Yeah.
We'll tell her you're great.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
Good, good.
Thanks.
Good talk, Marc.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, hey, Marc? Yeah.
It's really good meeting you, man.
All right, thanks, fellas.
Hey, hold up.
Were you drinking tonight? No, I quit years ago.
Perfect.
Will you give this dude a ride home? Well, I guess.
All right, come on.
Got you a ride.
Come on.
Hey, dudes, I don't want him puking in my car.
No, no, man.
He's been in that back bathroom for like an hour.
He's empty.
Is he a friend of yours? No.
No.
No one knows who he is.
These are my friends.
Yeah.
All right, all right, come on, drunky.
Am I going to jail? No.
Just Walk.
Where you been? I crashed at Stacy's house.
I-I called.
Y-you didn't answer.
You didn't call back.
Oh, you did? I didn't even check my phone.
Really? You didn't think to To check your phone? You didn't think to call me? I've been sitting here waiting.
Why did you come to the party? To apologize.
Yeah, it didn't really seem like it.
What? I talked to your friends.
Yeah.
No, I heard.
So, you know, I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell my friends that I'm crazy.
What the hell is wrong with those guys? I didn't say you were crazy.
I said I was concerned.
Concerned?! What is that?! I mean, who are you? You're like my dad or something? We had a fight, Jen! We weren't talking.
I'm not really entirely sure what's real and what isn't, and now you're being belligerent.
Jesus, you are my dad.
Yeah, well, sometimes I feel that way.
Should I go to my room? Look, how How am I the asshole here? I'm not sure if I'm ready to live with you.
We haven't known each other that long.
How is that irrational? I am not living here, okay?! I am in between places.
I don't know how many times I have to tell you! That is not that big of a deal! Why are you yelling?! Because I am so sick of this! Were you really evicted from your place? Yes! Come on.
Be straight with me.
Yes! Okay?! Sort of! I don't know.
You know what? Let me just go, okay? Let me just get my shit and let me go.
What do you mean, "sort of"?! That house, okay, was creepy as shit.
Those guys were, like, watching me in the bathroom.
There's probably some sort of, like, Internet porn of me peeing somewhere.
There were three adults living in one room.
So I wanted to help them out.
They needed more space.
So you lied! Yes, Marc, okay?! I lied! I lied! Are you happy now?! Did you win?! You lied so you can live here! No, I lied because I didn't want you to talk me out of moving out of there because you were so afraid of me moving in! That is crazy bullshit! I'm so sick of how judgmental you are.
You're so condescending.
I think you're unstable.
Oh, who are you to judge?! Look, why don't you go find a guy your own age and get out of my life? Just get your shit and get out.
I love you! You don't love me.
You just have some shit to work out.
Oh, screw you! Don't project your bullshit onto me! I'm not crazy, okay?! Just shut up and just accept it! I don't have to shut up! You maneuvered yourself into my life, and now I want you out.
It's over! Stop talking! All right, just go back to Stacy's.
You can pick up your shit tomorrow.
I'm done with this.
Who's that? I don't know who that is.
I've never seen that guy before.
Just stay in the house.
What's going on, man? Please stop fighting.
Just put your hands down.
There's no guns here.
Just relax.
They're gonna call the cops up the street.
Oh, there's no need for that.
I'm not hitting her.
Just mutual emotional abuse.
Everything's cool.
I just lost my wife.
All right, man.
I'm sorry, man.
Mi amor.
D-do you love her? It's an awkward way for her to hear it the first time.
Well? Do you? Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Yeah, I love her.
Please be kind.
Please.
Okay, I get it.
I get it.
You're some kind of weird angel, all right? Message delivered.
All right, lesson learned here.
Okay, a-are we done? Hey, tell them not to call the police up the street, okay? Hey, I'm sorry about your loss.
I wish that they had called the police.
Why? So you would stop talking.
You know, in the future, if we're gonna do this, we really need to close the windows.
Definitely.
Or maybe we should try not to do this.
Yeah, I guess, if we want to have a healthy relationship.
Whoa.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves, now.
Does that mean I can stay? Yeah.
You really love me? Yeah.
Yeah? I do.
I love you.
Mm.
Yeah.
I'll try to I love you.
I okay.
Why can I accept love? I will do anything to insulate myself from taking real emotional risks.
I don't know why, but love is very threatening to me and so are the people that cause it.
Those bastards.
It's crazy.
But I guess what I have to accept is I-I I-I love crazy.
And love is crazy.
And I'm just gonna have to accept that.
Sub by mercurian2007, synced by santibone