Melissa & Joey s01e10 Episode Script

Melissa and Joey is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, aren't you supposed to turn the power off before you do that? What am I, a girl? It's nothing! Yeah, well, if you had hair it would standing up.
Hi! Yeah, we are just gonna be You know.
Did yosee that? Did you see that? I can already tell you really like them.
And did you see all those piercings? I'm pretty sure I could hear the wind whistling through them.
And they never say hello.
How come they never say hello? Because they're teenagers.
That's what they don't do.
You're also not allowed to sit at their lunch table either.
All right, well, I'm not gonna put up with it.
I'm going up to Lennox's room right now.
And lecture her in front of her friends? That'll be really effective.
- What am I supposed to do? - You'resking me? - I don't have kids.
- Neither do I.
They were abandoned by my sister.
That was my big mistake: Having a sister.
Relax, all right? Lennox is a good girl.
Yeah, but I'm just worried.
When I was her age, If someone told me not to do it, I would smoke it, drink it or date it.
Yes, we know.
When you graduated high school they retired your thong.
Look, the friends you have in high school are critical.
Good friends inspire you.
Bad friends teach you how to replace your dad's scotch with iced tea.
Mel, I seriously doubt all the poor choices you made in life - were because you had a bad friend.
- I didn't have a bad friend.
I was the bad friend.
Hey you! Surprise.
- What's with that? - Last time I wore it, you said you liked it - so I thought you might want it.
- Oh, it's so pretty! Does it come with an agenda? A little bit.
There's a party tonight at city hall that is gonna be off da hook.
Anyway, there's gonna be a bunch of young people And since you're a young people There's gonna be music.
Cute boys? Probably sushi.
Sure if I can borrow some shoes.
Like maybe those red peep-toes you said you'd die before you'd let me wear? Okay.
Cool.
But pantyhose are a must! Clean feet, not teen feet! - Very subtle, puppetmaster.
- What? In the old country when marriages were arranged, There was an exchange of beads and livestock.
This is just be a fun event with the added benefit That maybe Lennox can make a few new friends.
Ones that can't be conveniently threaded together.
You said sushi.
I like sushi.
What is this? It's pigs in a blanket.
It's e.
Coli in a blanket.
Give me that.
Don't ever eat those ever.
This is actually awesome.
It's the best funeral I've ever been to.
Are you kidding? This is a very exciti evening.
They're giving public service awards to the "future leaders of toledo," Or as they're known, the flots.
They used to be called the "toleaders," but they were mocked.
- No, really? - Go, mix, mingle.
Oh, so that's your game.
You're pimping me out to nerds.
This is a nice group of civic-minded, Clean-cut, optimistic teens.
So yes, nerds.
But some of these nerds are hotish.
Yeah, super foxy.
I'm gonna call a cab.
Hi, according to this dorky nametag, I'm Brett.
You must be "bite me.
" I'm Lennox.
My aunt dragged me here.
Mel Burke, representative for the 7th district And official niece-dragger.
And the engine behind funding for the two new animal shelters.
Yes, I might be that engine.
Oh good, I thought they were all gonna be raging geeks.
So has the decision been made whether or not these will be no-kill shelters? That is a very astute and handsome question.
But I will have to get back to you on that later Because I'm actually waiting to talk to the mayor If only those butt-kissing brown-nosing AssOciates of mine back off.
- Let me help you with that.
Hey, mayor, get over here! - What? - No oh my gosh.
- What are you yelling at? I'm sorry, sir.
Should I call security? - No, I think I can handle him.
- Dad, ms.
Burke wants to talk to you.
Oh, you're his dad! Of course.
Because a person can be both a mayor and a dad, And in that case that would be you, mayor dad.
- I'll introduce you around.
- So now that I have your ear, I wanted to talk to you about a critical health initiative Lighten up, councilwoman, this is a party.
Forget about work And ex-wives and alimony.
Enjoy yourself.
So I'm proposing a mobile clinic to bring free dental care To downtown toledo.
I like to call it the smilemobile.
Look at that.
The kids are hitting it off.
Those are tomorrow's toleaders Today.
Fills you with hope, doesn't it? Yup, I am covered in hope bumps.
Oh, thank you.
I just saved your life.
What was that, like five miles? Five minutes.
Give it to me in terms I can understand.
How many cookies can I eat now? Let's go.
Mrs.
Geller, hello.
Hello, Mel.
My, I haven't seen you Since that incident with the election sign on my lawn.
Mrs.
Geller, I was not removing my opponent's sign; It blew over in the wind.
The wind which you created by kicking it? Hi, Mrs.
Geller.
- You live across the street, remember? - I know that.
I'm meeting my date.
I'm going to call your daughter ellen right now.
Oh, there's my young man! Who's crazy now? We're gonna have a blast tonight, Mrs.
Geller.
Hey, what's with your great-grand-cougar? The school has this dumb rule that in order to "graduate" I need 40 hours of community service by the end of the term.
Which is Monday.
Mrs.
Geller's daughter needed Someone to keep her company while she went to vegas.
Since she's going to be staying for dinner, I'll set another plate.
Oh, I need 40 hours.
She's here till Monday.
Oh, lucky us.
Come on, Mrs.
G, you promised you'd teach me how to play pinochle.
Hopefully it's more fun than it sounds.
It's not.
- I'm going to the mall.
- Wait wait a second.
I don't think I like the idea of you wandering around aimlessly With your colorful group of friends.
As it happens, I'll be wandering around aimlessly With Brett and the other flots.
Oh, then fantastic.
Go, wander successfully.
Flot till you drop.
Will do.
Oh, smells delicious! Bananas foster? Back off my banana, lady.
These are personal consumption only.
Fire in the hole, everybody.
That's what I'm talking about! Yeah.
- Good night.
- Hey hey hey, wait! Come back over here.
So how did everything go with those crazy cool flot kids? Come on, girlfriend, share.
I just, you know, I didn't fit in.
Good night.
Whoa whoa, maybe not right away, But you should give those kids another chance.
Maybe start a wicked cool study group.
Burke, you know that line that iou don't want to cross? It's right there behind you.
So just scooch back a little bit.
They just aren't the kind of people I'm interested in spending time with.
Lennox, that is so judgmental.
You should be open to trying new things.
Really really? Like drinking and drugs? Fine, aunt Mel, next time I'll stick around for a shot and a hit.
"Shot"? "Hit"? Okay, what are you talking about? I want details Names, places, times.
Well, after the mall, a bunch of those crazy cool flot kids wanted to get drunk and high.
Oh my gosh, what about Brett? - Oh, he was pretty upset - Good.
Because he brought all the beer and nobody paid him back.
And then he got pissed because I didn't want to drink.
Oh, he's gonna get paid back all right.
So I called a cab.
- Was I wrong? - No! You were very very right.
- So good night? - Yes, good night.
Okay, so here's my plan: Step one, find boy.
Step two, beat boy senseless.
Step three, enjoy the satisfaction of steps one and tww.
Yeah, I have an even simpler plan.
Let boy hang with his crowd and be glad Lennox didn't want - To have anything to do with them.
- What? This little dweeb offers a 15-year-old drugs and alcohol - And he's gonna get away with it? - Nothing happened.
Lennox took care of herself.
This is a good thing.
What are you talking about? This guy is still out there.
Out there what? Offering girls beer they can refuse? I'm protecting Lennox, but I see you have a lot Of other things going on here, like work and stuff.
Wait, so you think I'm backing off because he's the mayor's son? - Is that something that I should think? - No! This is the way I'd handle the situation with anyone's son.
You think I don't care about Lennox? She's up there right now, clean and sober With her honor intact.
I don't know how I'm going to live with myself.
That boy's gonna pay With blood.
Okay, Joe, you know that line you shouldn't cross? I can't even see it from here.
You should scooch back about a mile or two.
Good night, Mel dear.
Good night, Mrs.
Geller.
All right, dear.
Am I a scrappy little tramp with a bowler hat and a mustache? No.
Am I will smith? I wish.
- Hey, Joe.
- Hey.
Joe! What the hell are you doing here? I'm here to talk to the mayor, work things out.
- You can't just walk in there.
- I know, I have an appointment.
How? I haven't been able to get on his calendar for weeks.
Hey, Lois.
Pretty Pencil cup.
Oh, thank you, ms.
Burke.
Listen, this gentleman doesn't really need to see the mayor, - So his appointment is canceled.
- Okay.
- No it's not.
- Okay.
Look, the mayor needs to know what's going on here, Mel.
No, he doesn't need to know what's going on.
He's the mayor.
What is going on out here? I'm trying to take a nap.
- Who are you? - Joe Longo, sir.
- Oh, are you the councilwoman's husband? - God no.
I'm her Nanny.
Okay.
Why don't you both come in? Lois, hold my calls And get me a falafel.
Okay.
So? I haven't got all day.
Well, sir, there's no easy way to bring this up We're here to talk about what happened with Lennox and your son at the party.
- Okay, one easy way.
- Oh, the party issue! Yeah, I guess we can't dodge it.
It's always tough when your own child is involved in something inappropriate.
I feel for you, councilwoman.
Because I know you took in those troubled kids - After their parents abandoned them.
- Please Don't make me out to be a hero.
I wasn't gonna.
Look, I'm sure you're doing the very best you can.
But teenagers with issues can be difficult to control.
They act out with rowdy behavior, They use drugs, experiment with sex I'm sorry, when you say "teenagers with issues," who are we talking about? Lennox.
It's my understanding she supplied the alcohol.
- I'm sorry, what? - Joe.
- We know there was alcohol there - My son Brett also reported that she was - Oh, how can I put this? - Very carefully.
Throwing herself at the boys.
Did you really just say that? That just doesn't sound like Lennox.
You need to pull your head out of your keister Before that little milk shake succeeds In getting one of those fine young men in trouble.
You should really just stop right there.
She may be willing to throw her life away, But she shouldn't drag one of those fine young men down with her.
- Son of a - Joe, Joe, Joe! Lois, security! Lois, Lois! You know these nannies today with their high levels of testosterone.
Hey, so, good news The mayor's not going to press any charges.
You know why? He felt sorry for us because we have a teenage sex addict living in our house.
You're lucky I didn't take that guy's head off.
- Joe, you acted crazy.
- Oh, I wasn't acting.
I had to protect Lennox from all these lies.
Yeah, about those lies I had this small unsettling feeling, As you were sailing across the mayor's desk like a bald eagle How do we know I mean how can we be sure that Lennox is telling the truth? Because she's Lennox.
Listen, I lied pretty much every moment of my teenage life.
Lying is like eyeshadow to teenage girls.
Once they discover it, they use it all the time.
- So you don't think she was telling the truth? - I don't know.
I'm just saying it's possible.
If she wasn't and then I went Oh boy.
Did I just assault the mayor for no reason? Look, I'm not saying Lennox was lying.
I'm just saying I don't know what I'm saying.
Can you figure it out before you start to say something? It'd be really helpful to other people in the room.
Okay, the truth is we're just not going to know what the truth is.
Oh, we're gonna know.
Mel, get in here.
- Oh, this is wrong! - Get in here, Come on! What is your plan, huh? What, live with the doubt and the constant gnawing anxiety? Yeah, you get used to it.
Okay? There's no problem too big that you can't sweep under an enormous rug.
Preferably with a vodka broom.
Maybe you can live like that, but I can't, all right? I need proof.
Okay, here we go.
Now look, her inbox is already open.
No.
If we read her emails, we're violating her trust.
She's never gonna know we're violating her trust.
So from her perspective, she's unviolated.
- Inviolate.
- Really? You're gonna do that now? Excuse me.
Hello, dear.
- Hi.
- Is the kitchen still open? Yeah, give me a minute.
I'll come down and cook you something.
- What, does she think she's on a cruise ship? - I don't know.
Nine hours and she's gone, okay? How about this? How about this: I'll open up the email, but I won't read it.
Then you can casually walk by and you can read it.
Yeah, how is that not violating her trust? Oh, it's definitely violating her trust big time.
- I'm not comfortable with this.
- Really? Okay well - Too late.
- No! Okay, this one's about the party.
Really? What is "aysos"? - Are you stupid or something? - I'm sorry, I don't speak this net lingo.
A.
Y.
S.
O.
S "Are you stupid or something?" Oh, thank you.
- Okay, here's one from Brett.
- No! Oh, what? "don't narc me out, Lennox.
If my dad finds out I was buying, He'll take away my car.
" That's great! That means Lennox was telling the truth.
- Oh, what a relief.
- I told you.
Anybody home? What are you doing in my room? Just checking out these lights.
Seeing how many Compact fluorescents we're going to have to put in here.
- One, two - Three.
- We're done.
- Yep, all good.
Hey Lennox, you got a lot of homework tonight? Did you hear that? Yeah, she knows we snooped.
That's it, I'm confessing.
Come here! You're never gonna do it again, so don't go ruin the relationship.
You're right, you're right! You know, if you'd just start every day with that premise, Your life would just be so much easier.
Dinner's ready, everybody.
Here we go, all righty.
Before we begin, I would like to say grace.
Dear God, please bless this bounty And these generous people Who have taken me into their home Temporarily.
But not for less than And please forgive our daily trespasses, particularly earlier today when Joe and Mel trespassed into Lennox's room and read her email.
- What?! - Oh, she's not all there.
That's a load of crap.
You two were snooping and you know it.
And you ate an entire bag of slim jims for breakfast, And you were looking at boobies on the internet.
Wow, nobody left standing.
I can't believe this! I thought you people trusted me.
Amen.
Another text from Lennox.
"I'm brushing my teeth.
" "I'm rinsing.
" "I'm spitting.
" Wow, she can type that fast with one hand? Yeah, she won't talk to me, but she's texts me every six seconds To protest her lack of privacy.
"I had an impure thought about Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
" This is great.
You know, I only read her email because you made me.
And that sentence should have ended with, "and I thank you, Joe.
I thank you for getting me the truth.
I never would have done it because I'm a big wuss.
" Thank you, Joe, for fixing everything so that Lennox hates me.
You just have this pathological need to be liked.
- Clearly you don't.
- No! You gotta repair the rupture.
So you go up there And you apologize and start mend your relationship.
You can do it.
You know, I don't need to be liked.
Mrs.
Geller hates me and I'm fine with that.
Why does she hate me? Lennox, can I come in? "Opening the door.
" Okay, you've made your point.
You can stop texting me now.
Oh really? Because I thought you needed to know What I'm doing every second of the day and night since you don't trust me.
Hey look, I was 15 once too And I did crazy things And I lied like a baseball player in front of congress.
But I didn't lie.
I'm not you, aunt Mel.
You know, that's true.
For starters you're a lot smarter than I was.
I made some bad choices and I'm not just talking about back then.
Today when I read your email that Joe opened I violated your trust.
You sure did.
So how about I even the score? I'll tell you a secret I've never told anyone.
It'd better be a good one.
Oh, it's a good one.
All right, I have a little cute tattoo On my left butt cheek That says, "Mel and simon forever.
" - So? - I have no idea who simon is.
That's terrible.
Seriously, Lennox, I do trust you and I don't want to lose what we have.
I know.
And it means a lot, you telling me that.
So simon will be our little secret? Pinky promise? Good night, Len.
Good night, aunt Mel.
So how'd it go? Good.
Pretty good.
I think we've reestablished our bond of trust.
I just got a message from Lennox.
"Mel Burke has a guy's name tattooed on her butt And she doesn't know who it is.
" That was supposed to be a secret! That's a really good bond you two got.
Very funny.
Delete that.
I'd be happy to.
Although I can't speak For the millions of other people who just read that on Twitter.
Hey! It's 1:30 in the morning.
I told you that game was gonna get you the ladies, dude.
Yeah, "Just Dance 2.
" It's got a ton of new songs.
Wanna try? No thanks.
Your 40 hours are up, Geller.
Go home! What a buzzkill.