Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s01e10 Episode Script
Untitled
1 IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
(music ends with quack) (sighs heavily) WELL, WHERE IS HE? HMM HMM.
WELL, WHAT IS IT, DEAR? IT'S FROM THE BBC.
THEY WANT TO KNOW IF I WAN TO BE IN A SKETCH ON TELLY.
OOH, THAT'S NICE.
WHY, IT'S ACTING, ISN'T IT? YES.
WELL, I'M A PLUMBER.
I CAN'T ACT.
OH, YOU NEVER KNOW TILL YOU TRY.
LOOK AT MRS.
BRANDO'S SON NEXT DOOR.
HE WAS MENDING THE FRIDGE WHEN THEY CAME AND ASKED HIM TO BE THE WILD ONE.
WHAT DO THEY WANT YOU TO DO? WELL, THEY JUST WANT ME TO STAND AT A COUNTER AND WHEN THE SKETCH STARTS, I'LL GO OUT.
OH, THAT SOUNDS NICE.
THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL A WALK-ON.
WALK-ON? THAT'S A WALK-OFF, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.
WHERE IS HE, GEORGIE? HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE HOURS AGO.
HE BLOODY SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
WHAT ELSE DID IT SAY? IT JUST SAYS "WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE IN A SKETCH.
"YOU ARE STANDING AT A COUNTER.
"WHEN THE SKETCH STARTS, YOU GO OFF.
YOURS FAITHFULLY, LORD HILL.
" OH, WELL, YOU BETTER BE OFF, THEN.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE CAT? OH, I'LL LOOK AFTER THE CAT.
GOODNESS ME, MRS.
NEWMAN'S OLDES NEVER WORRIED ABOUT THE CA WHEN HE WENT OFF TO DO THE SWEET BIRD OF YOUTH.
ALL RIGHT, THEN, ALL RIGHT.
BYE-BYE, DEAR.
BYE-BYE, AND MIND YOU, DON'T GET SEDUCED.
(audience laughter) IT'LL MAKE A CHANGE FROM PLUMBING.
DAD, FRANK'S GO A TELEVISION PART.
YOU MISSED HIM.
(light laughter) (laughter) (clears throat) (calmly): GOOD MORNING.
I'M A BANK ROBBER.
UH, PLEASE DON'T PANIC.
JUST HAND OVER ALL YOUR MONEY.
THIS IS A LINGERIE SHOP, SIR.
FINE, FINE.
FINE.
(exhales loudly) (laughter) ADOPT, ADAPT AND IMPROVE.
MOTTO OF THE ROUND TABLE.
WELL, UM WHAT HAVE YOU GOT? UH, WE'VE GOT CORSETS, STOCKINGS, SUSPENDER BELTS TIGHTS, BRAS, SLIPS, PETTICOATS KNICKERS, SOCKS AND GARTERS, SIR.
FINE, FINE.
FINE, FINE.
UM NO LARGE PILES OF MONEY IN SAFES? NO, SIR.
NO DEPOSIT ACCOUNTS? NO, SIR.
NO PILES OF CASH IN EASY-TO-CARRY BAGS? NONE AT ALL, SIR.
NO LUNCHEON VOUCHERS? NO, SIR.
FINE, FINE.
WELL, UM ADOPT, ADAPT AND IMPROVE.
JUST A PAIR OF KNICKERS THEN, PLEASE.
(chuckles) WELL, THAT WAS A BIT OF FUN, WASN'T IT? (chuckles) AND A SPECIAL GOOD EVENING TO YOU.
NOT JUS AN ORDINARY GOOD EVENING LIKE YOU GET FROM ALL THE OTHER ANNOUNCERS BUT A SPECIAL GOOD EVENING FROM ME TO YOU.
WELL, WHAT HAVE WE GOT NEXT? THIS IS FUN, ISN'T IT? (laughs) LOOK, I'M SORRY IF I'M INTERRUPTING ANYTHING THAT ANY OF YOU MAY BE DOING AT HOME BUT I WANT YOU TO THINK OF ME AS AN OLD QUEEN FRIEND.
(chortles) WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT NEXT.
IN A FEW MOMENTS, IT'S A TREE AND IN THE CHAIR AS USUAL IS ARTHUR TREE AND STARRING IN THE SHOW WILL BE A HOST OF STAR GUESTS AS HIS STAR GUESTS.
AND THEN AT 9:30, WE'VE GO ANOTHER ROLLICKING HALF HOUR OF LAUGHTER-PACKED SQUALOR WITH YES, IT'S THE SEWAGE FARM ATTENDANTS.
(laughter) AND THIS WEEK, DAN FALLS INTO A VAT OF HUMAN DUNG WITH HILARIOUS CONSEQUENCES.
(laughter) BUT NOW IT'S THE GLITTERING WORLD OF SHOW BUSINESS WITH ARTHUR TREE.
(bubbly theme music playing) HELLO, HELLO, PEOPLE, AND WELCOME TO IT'S A TREE.
WE HAVE SOME REALLY EXCITING GUESTS FOR YOU THIS EVENING A FABULOUS SPRUCE BACK FROM A TOUR OF HOLLAND; THREE GUM TREES MAKING THEIR FIRST APPEARANCE IN THIS COUNTRY; SCOTS PINE AND THE CONIFERS; AND ELM TREE BOLE THERE YOU GO, CAN'T BE BAD AN EXCITING NEW AMERICAN PLANK; A RAIN FORES AND A BUCKET OF SAWDUS GIVING THEIR VIEWS ON TEENAGE VIOLENCE; AND AN UNUSUAL GUES FOR THIS PROGRAM A PIECE OF LAMINATED PLASTIC.
HI THERE.
BUT FIRST, WILL YOU PLEASE, PLEASE WELCOME A BLOCK OF WOOD.
(applause) WELL, BLOCK, NICE TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW AGAIN.
WELL, UH, THANKS, TREE.
I GOT TO PAY THE RENT.
(Tree giggling) SUPER.
WELL, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, BLOCK? WELL, I'VE JUST BEEN STARRING IN SEVERAL MAJOR MULTIMILLION- DOLLAR INTERNATIONAL FILMS AND DURING BREAKS ON THE SET, I'VE BEEN DESIGNING A CATHEDRAL DOING WONDERFUL UNPUBLICIZED WORK FOR CHARITY UH, FINISHING MY HISTORY OF THE WORLD, OF COURSE PULLING THE BIRDS OH! UH, PHOTOGRAPHING ROYALTY ON THE LOO AVERTING WORLD WAR Ill CAN'T BE BAD AND, UH LEARNING TO READ.
THE FULL RENAISSANCE BIT, REALLY.
(giggling): SUPER, SUPER.
WELL, I'VE GOT TO STOP YOU THERE, BLOCK, I'M AFRAID BECAUSE WE'VE GOT SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN DOING CABARE IN THE NEW FOREST.
FROM AMERICA, WILL YOU WELCOME, PLEASE A CHIPPENDALE WRITING DESK.
THANK YOU, MR.
TREE.
I'D NOW LIKE TO DO A FEW IMPERSONATIONS OF SOME OF FIRST OFF, LONG JOHN SLIVER.
(drum roll) ARG, JIM BOY, ARG, ARG.
AND NOW, EDWARD HEATH.
HELLO, SAILOR.
(laughter, drum roll) NOW, A SHORT SCENE FROM A PLAY BY HAROLD SPLINTER.
(crash) (laughter) WASN'T THAT JUST GREAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN? BUT WAIT A MINUTE.
WE'VE GOT SOMETHING ELSE I JUS KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE.
(trumpet fanfare) (fanfare repeats) (fanfare repeats) (fanfare repeats) YES, SIR, COMING RIGHT UP THE VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR SKETCH.
(trumpet fanfare) (fanfare repeats) (fanfare continues) Barbershop quartet: VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.
(exhales) (whistles softly) AH, MR.
ANCHOVY.
DO SIT DOWN.
THANK YOU.
TAKE THE WEIGH OFF THE FEET, EH? YES, YES.
LOVELY WEATHER FOR THE TIME OF YEAR, I MUST SAY.
ENOUGH OF THIS GAY BANTER.
AND NOW, MR.
ANCHOVY YOU ASKED US TO ADVISE YOU WHICH JOB IN LIFE YOU WERE BEST SUITED FOR.
THAT IS CORRECT, YES.
WELL, I NOW HAVE THE RESULTS HERE OF THE INTERVIEWS AND THE APTITUDE TESTS THAT YOU TOOK LAST WEEK AND FROM THEM, WE'VE BUILT UP A PRETTY CLEAR PICTURE OF THE SORT OF PERSON THAT YOU ARE AND I THINK I CAN SAY WITHOUT FEAR OF CONTRADICTION THAT THE IDEAL JOB FOR YOU IS CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY.
BUT I AM A CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT.
JOLLY GOOD.
WELL, BACK TO THE OFFICE WITH YOU, THEN.
NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I'VE BEEN A CHARTERED ACCOUNTAN FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.
I WANT A NEW JOB SOMETHING EXCITING THAT WILL LET ME LIVE.
WELL, CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY'S RATHER EXCITING, ISN'T IT? EXCITING?! NO, IT'S NOT! IT'S DULL, DULL, DULL.
MY GOD, IT'S DULL.
IT'S SO DESPERATELY DULL AND TEDIOUS AND STUFFY AND BORING AND DESPERATELY DULL.
WELL, UH, YES, MR.
ANCHOVY BUT YOU SEE, YOUR REPORT HERE SAYS THAT YOU ARE AN EXTREMELY DULL PERSON.
YOU SEE, OUR EXPERTS DESCRIBE YOU AS AN APPALLINGLY DULL FELLOW UNIMAGINATIVE, TIMID, LACKING IN INITIATIVE SPINELESS, EASILY DOMINATED NO SENSE OF HUMOR, TEDIOUS COMPANY AND IRREPRESSIBLY DRAB AND AWFUL.
AND WHEREAS IN MOST PROFESSIONS THESE WOULD BE CONSIDERABLE DRAWBACKS IN CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY, THEY'RE A POSITIVE BOON.
BUT YOU SEE, I CAME HERE TO FIND A NEW JOB, A NEW LIFE A NEW MEANING TO MY EXISTENCE.
CAN'T YOU HELP ME? WELL, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHA YOU WANT TO DO? YES, YES, I HAVE.
WHAT? (exuberantly): LION TAMING.
YES, YES, OF COURSE, IT'S A BIT OF A JUMP, ISN'T IT? I MEAN, CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY TO LION TAMING IN ONE GO.
YOU DON'T THINK IT MIGHT BE BETTER IF YOU WORKED YOUR WAY TOWARDS LION TAMING SAY, VIA BANKING OR NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I DON'T WANT TO WAIT.
AT 9:00 TOMORROW I WANT TO BE IN THERE TAMING.
FINE, FINE, BUT DO YOU DO YOU HAVE ANY QUALIFICATIONS? YES, I'VE GOT A HAT.
(laughter) A HAT? YES, A HAT, A LION TAMING HAT.
A HAT WITH "LION TAMER" ON IT.
I GOT IT AT HARRODS.
AND IT LIGHTS UP, SAYING "LION TAMER" IN GREAT, BIG NEON LETTERS SO YOU CAN TAME THEM AFTER DARK WHEN THEY'RE LESS STROPPY.
I SEE, I SEE.
AND YOU CAN CLAIM REASONABLE WEAR AND TEAR SWITCH IT OFF DURING THE DAYTIME AS ALLOWABLE PROFESSIONAL EXPENSES YES, YES, YES I DO FOLLOW THE STRATEGY, BUT YOU SEE, THE SNAG IS IF I NOW CALL MR.
CHIPPERFIELD AND SAY TO HIM "LOOK HERE, I'VE GO "A 45-YEAR-OLD CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT WITH ME WHO WANTS TO BECOME A LION TAMER" HIS FIRST QUESTION IS NOT GOING TO BE "DOES HE HAVE HIS OWN HAT?" HE'S GOING TO ASK WHAT SORT OF EXPERIENCE YOU'VE HAD WITH LIONS.
WELL, I'VE SEEN THEM AT THE ZOO.
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
YES, THEY'RE BROWN, FURRY THINGS WITH SHORT, STUMPY LEGS AND GREAT, LONG NOSES.
I DON'T KNOW WHA ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.
I COULD TAME ONE OF THOSE.
THEY LOOK PRETTY TAME TO START WITH.
AND THESE, UM, THESE LIONS, HOW HIGH ARE THEY? WELL, THEY'RE ABOU SO HIGH, YOU KNOW.
THEY DON' FRIGHTEN ME AT ALL.
REALLY? AND DO THESE LIONS EAT ANTS? YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
(laughter) UH, WELL, MR.
ANCHOVY I'M AFRAID WHAT YOU'VE GO HOLD OF THERE IS AN ANTEATER.
A WHAT? AN ANTEATER, NOT A LION.
YOU SEE, A LION IS A HUGE, SAVAGE BEAS ABOUT FIVE FEET HIGH, TEN FEE LONG, WEIGHING ABOUT 400 POUNDS RUNNING 40 MILES AN HOUR WITH MASSES OF SHARP, POINTED TEETH AND NASTY, LONG, RAZOR-SHARP CLAWS THAT COULD RIP YOUR BELLY OPEN BEFORE YOU COULD SAY "ERIC ROBINSON.
" AND THEY LOOK LIKE THIS.
(growls ferociously) (shrieks) TIME ENOUGH, I THINK, FOR A PIECE OF WOOD.
Man: THE LARCH.
NOW, SHALL I CALL MR.
CHIPPERFIELD? UH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I THINK YOUR IDEA OF MAKING THE TRANSITION TO LION TAMING VIA EASY STAGES, SAY, VIA INSURANCE OR BANKING.
OR BANKING, BANKING, YES, BANKING.
THAT'S A MAN'S LIFE, ISN'T IT? BANKING TRAVEL, EXCITEMENT, ADVENTURE THRILLS, DECISIONS AFFECTING PEOPLE'S LIVES.
JOLLY GOOD.
SHALL I PUT YOU IN TOUCH WITH THE BANK? YES NO, NO, NO.
LOOK, IT'S A BIG DECISION.
I'D LIKE JUS A COUPLE OF WEEKS TO THINK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW? DON'T WANT TO JUMP INTO IT TOO QUICKLY.
MAYBE THREE WEEKS.
I COULD LET YOU KNOW DEFINITELY THEN.
WELL, THIS IS JUST ONE OF THE ALL-TOO-MANY CASES ON OUR BOOKS OF CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY.
THE ONLY WAY THAT WE CAN FIGH THIS TERRIBLE, DEBILITATING SOCIAL DISEASE IS BY INFORMING THE GENERAL PUBLIC OF ITS CONSEQUENCES BY SHOWING YOUNG PEOPLE PERHAPS I COULD DO IT, JUST FOR A BIT THAT IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT.
SO PLEASE, GIVE GENEROUSLY TO THIS ADDRESS: OH! (chuckles) WELL, THAT WAS FUN, WASN'T IT? NO, IT WASN'T, YOU FAIRY.
(effeminately): OH, HELLO, SAILOR.
HERE, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE GO ON ONE OF OUR VOYAGES.
THEY WERE ALL DEAD BUTCH.
MMM, THAT'S NOT WHAT I'VE HEARD.
Man: THERE IS AN EPIC QUALITY ABOUT THE SEA WHICH HAS THROUGHOUT HISTORY STIRRED THE HEARTS AND MINDS SIR FRANCIS DRAKE, CAPTAIN WEBB, NELSON OF TRAFALGAR AND SCOTT OF THE ANTARCTIC ALL ROSE TO THE CHALLENGE OF THE MIGHTY OCEAN.
MAY ADD HIS NAME TO THE GOLDEN ROLL OF HISTORY: MR.
RON OBVIOUS OF NEAPS END FOR TODAY, RON OBVIOUS HOPES TO BE THE FIRST MAN TO JUMP THE CHANNEL.
(laughter) RON, NOW, LET'S JUS GET THIS QUITE CLEAR YOU'RE INTENDING TO JUMP OH, YES, THAT IS CORRECT, YES.
AND JUST HOW FAR IS THAT? OH, WELL, IT'S 26 MILES FROM HERE TO CALAIS.
THAT'S TO THE BEACH AT CALAIS? WELL, NO, NO, PROVIDED I GET A GOOD LIFT-OFF AND MAYBE A GUST OF BREEZE OVER THE FRENCH COAS I SHALL BE JUMPING INTO THE CENTER OF CALAIS ITSELF.
ARE YOU USING ANY SPECIAL TECHNIQUES TO JUMP THIS GREAT DISTANCE? OH, NO, NO.
I SHALL BE USING AN ORDINARY TWO-FOOTED JUMP STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR AND ACROSS THE CHANNEL.
I SEE.
RON, WHAT IS THE FURTHEST DISTANCE THAT YOU'VE JUMPED SO FAR? OH, UH, 11 FOOT, SIX INCHES AT MOTSPUR PARK ON JULY 22.
BUT I HAVE DONE NEARLY 12 FEET UNOFFICIALLY.
I SEE, UH RON, RON, AREN'T YOU WORRIED RON, AREN'T YOU WORRIED JUMPING 26 MILES ACROSS THE SEA? OH, NO, NO, NO.
IT IS, IN FACT, EASIER TO JUMP OVER SEA THAN OVER DRY LAND.
WELL, HOW IS THAT? WELL, MY MANAGER EXPLAINED IT TO ME.
YOU SEE, IF YOU'RE FIVE MILES OU WITH NOTHING BU SEA UNDERNEATH YOU THERE IS A VERY GREAT IMPETUS TO STAY IN THE AIR.
(laughter) I SEE, WELL, UH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, RON AND THE VERY BEST OF LUCK.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THE MAN BEHIND RON'S CROSS-CHANNEL JUMP IS HIS MANAGER, MR.
LUIGI VERCOTTI.
MR.
VERCOTTI MR.
VERCOTTI.
MR.
VERCOTTI.
WHAT? MR.
VERCOTTI I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
UH, NO, WE'RE FROM THE BBC, MR.
VERCOTTI.
WHO? THE BBC.
OH, OH, I SEE.
I THOUGHT I THOUGH YOU WERE THE, UM I LIKE THE POLICE A LOT.
I'VE GOT LOTS OF TIME FOR THEM.
WELL, UH, MR.
VERCOTTI WHAT IS YOUR CHIEF TASK AS RON'S MANAGER? WELL, MY MAIN TASK IS TO FIX A SPONSOR FOR THE BIG JUMP.
AND WHO IS THE SPONSOR? THE CHIPPENHAM BRICK COMPANY.
THEY PAY ALL THE BILLS, IN RETURN FOR WHICH RON WILL BE CARRYING HALF A HUNDREDWEIGHT OF THEIR BRICKS.
(laughter) I SEE.
WELL, IT LOOKS AS IF RON IS READY NOW.
HE'S GOT THE BRICKS.
HE'S HAD HIS PASSPORT CHECKED AND HE'S ALL SET TO GO.
AND HE'S OFF ON THE FIRST-EVER CROSS-CHANNEL JUMP.
(laughter) WILL RON BE TRYING THE CROSS-CHANNEL JUMP AGAIN SOON? NO, NO, I'M TAKING HIM OFF THE JUMPS BECAUSE I'VE GOT SOMETHING LINED UP FOR RON NEXT WEEK THAT I THINK IS VERY MUCH MORE UP HIS STREET.
WHAT'S THAT? RON IS GOING TO EA CHICHESTER CATHEDRAL.
(laughter) (church bells ringing) WELL, THERE HE GOES, RON OBVIOUS OF NEAPS END IN AN ATTEMP WHICH COULD MAKE HIM THE FIRST MAN EVER TO EA AN ENTIRE ANGLICAN CATHEDRAL.
(laughter) (laughter) (cracking) (screaming) WELL, UH, I THINK, DAVID THIS IS SOMETHING WHICH RON AND I ARE REALLY KEEN ON.
RON IS GOING TO TUNNEL FROM GODALMING HERE TO JAVA HERE.
(laughter) JAVA.
YEAH, I PERSONALLY THINK THIS IS GOING TO MAKE RON A HOUSEHOLD NAME OVERNIGHT.
AND HOW FAR HAS HE GOT? WELL, HE'S QUITE FAR NOW, DAVE, UH, WELL ON THE WAY.
WELL ON THE WAY, YEAH.
WELL, WHERE IS HE, EXACTLY? YEAH.
WHERE? OH, WELL, UM, YOU KNOW IT'S DIFFICULT TO SAY, EXACTLY.
HE'S, YOU KNOW, IN THE AREA OF, UM RON, HOW FAR HAVE YOU GOT? OH, ABOUT TWO FOOT, SIX, MR.
VERCOTTI.
YEAH, WELL, KEEP DIGGING, LAD, KEEP DIGGING.
MR.
VERCOTTI, ARE YOU SURE THERE ISN'T A SPADE? UH, MR.
VERCOTTI, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE WHO ACCUSE YOU OF EXPLOITING RON FOR YOUR OWN PURPOSES? WELL, THAT'S TOTALLY UNTRUE, DAVID.
EVER SINCE I LEFT SICILY I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO THE BEST FOR RON.
I KNOW WHAT RON WANTS TO DO I BELIEVE IN HIM AND I'M JUS TRYING TO CREATE THE OPPORTUNITIES FOR RON TO DO THE KIND OF THINGS HE WANTS TO DO.
AND WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO TODAY? HE'S GOING TO SPLI A RAILWAY CARRIAGE WITH HIS NOSE.
(Ron screaming) THE ONLY DIFFICULT BIT FOR RON IS GETTING OU OF EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE.
ONCE HE'S IN ORBIT, HE'LL BE ABLE TO RUN STRAIGHT TO MERCURY.
(trumpet fanfare) (screaming) Vercotti: I AM NOW EXTREMELY HOPEFUL THAT RON WILL BREAK THE WORLD RECORD FOR REMAINING UNDERGROUND.
HE'S A WONDERFUL BOY, THIS AND HE'S GOT THIS REALLY ENORMOUS TALEN THIS REALLY HUGE TALENT.
Woman 1: THAT'S A BIT SAD, ISN'T IT? Woman 2: SHH, IT'S SATIRE.
NO, IT ISN'T, IT'S JUST ZANY MADCAP HUMOR.
OH, IS IT? (bell dinging) GOOD MORNING, I'D LIKE TO BUY A CAT.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
GOT A LOVELY TERRIER.
(laughter) NO, I WAN A CAT, REALLY.
OH, YEAH.
HOW ABOUT THAT? (laughter) WELL, THAT'S THE TERRIER.
WELL, IT'S AS NEAR AS DAMMIT.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I WANT A CAT.
LISTEN, TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL FILE HIS LEGS DOWN A BIT, TAKE HIS SNOUT OFF STICK A FEW WIRES THROUGH HIS CHEEKS THERE YOU ARE, LOVELY PUSSYCAT.
IT'S NOT A PROPER CAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HE WOULDN'T MEOW.
WELL, IT WOULD HOWL A BIT.
(laughter) NO, NO, NO, NO.
HAVE YOU GOT A PARROT? I'M AFRAID NOT, ACTUALLY, GUV, WE'RE FRESH OUT OF PARROTS.
TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH, I'LL LOP ITS BACK LEGS OFF, MAKE GOOD STRIP THE FUR, STICK A COUPLE OF WINGS ON AND STAPLE ON A BEAK OF YOUR OWN CHOICE.
NO PROBLEM, LOVELY PARROT.
HOW LONG WOULD THAT TAKE? OH, LET ME SEE STRIPPING THE FUR OFF, NO LEGS HARRY? Harry: YEAH.
CAN YOU DO A PARROT JOB ON THIS, UH CAN YOU DO A PARROT JOB ON THIS TERRIER STRAIGHT AWAY? Harry: NO, I'M STILL PUTTING A TUCK IN THE AIREDALE AND THEN I'VE GO THE FROGS TO LET OUT.
FRIDAY? NO, I NEED IT FOR TOMORROW; IT'S A PRESENT.
OH, DEAR, IT'S A LONG JOB, YOU SEE, PARROT CONVERSION.
UH, TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH, FOR FREE TERRIERS MAKE LOVELY FISH.
I MEAN, I WOULD DO THA FOR YOU STRAIGHT AWAY.
LEGS OFF, FINS ON, STICK A LITTLE PIPE THROUGH THE BACK OF ITS NECK SO HE CAN BREATHE A BIT OF GOLD PAINT.
MAKE GOOD.
YOU'D NEED A VERY BIG TANK.
IT'S A GREA CONVERSATION PIECE.
(laughter) YEAH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
BUT ONLY IF I CAN WATCH.
OH, I THOUGHT THAT WAS A BIT PREDICTABLE.
IT'S BEEN DONE BEFORE.
YEAH, WE DID I FOR CAESAR'S CHRISTMAS SHOW.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YOU DID JACKAND THE BEANSTALK.
HERE, WHAT WAS THAT PICTURE? SHH NEXT.
GOOD MORNING MR.
PHIPPS? THAT'S RIGHT, YES.
UM, DO TAKE A SEAT.
RIGHT, SIR.
NOW, COULD YOU TELL US, ROUGHLY WHY YOU WANT TO BECOME A LIBRARIAN? WELL, I'VE HAD A CERTAIN AMOUN OF EXPERIENCE RUNNING A LIBRARY AT SCHOOL.
YES, YES, WHAT SOR OF EXPERIENCE? WELL, FOR A TIME I RAN THE UPPER SCIENCE LIBRARY.
YES, YES.
NOW, MR.
PHIPPS, OF COURSE YOU DO REALIZE THAT THE POST OF LIBRARIAN CARRIES WITH I CERTAIN VERY IMPORTAN RESPONSIBILITIES.
I MEAN, THERE'S THE SELECTION OF BOOKS THE RECORD LIBRARY AND THE ART GALLERY.
NOW, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOUR GREATEST DISADVANTAGE IS YOUR LACK OF PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE COUPLED WITH THE FAC THAT BEING A GORILLA YOU WOULD TEND TO FRIGHTEN PEOPLE.
UH, IS HE A GORILLA? YES, HE IS.
WHY DOESN'T I SAY ON HIS FORM THAT HE'S A GORILLA? WELL, YOU SEE APPLICANTS ARE NOT REQUIRED TO FILL IN THEIR SPECIES.
WHAT WAS THAT PICTURE? SHH! MR.
PHIPPS, WHAT IS YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS CENSORSHIP IN THE PUBLIC LIBRARY? HOW DO YOU MEAN, SIR? WELL, I MEAN FOR INSTANCE WOULD YOU STOCK LAST EXI TO BROOKLYN OR GROUPIE? YES, I THINK SO.
GOOD.
YES, WELL, THAT SEEMS TO BE VERY SENSIBLE, MR.
PHIPPS.
I CAN'T PRETEND THAT THIS LIBRARY HASN'T HAD ITS DIFFICULTIES.
MR.
ROBERTSON YOUR PREDECESSOR AN EXCELLENT LIBRARIAN, SAVAGED THREE PEOPLE LAST WEEK AND HAD TO BE DESTROYED.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
OH, NO, DON'T BE SORRY.
YOU SEE, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT LIBRARIES SHOULD BE DRAB PLACES WHERE PEOPLE SIT IN SILENCE AND THAT'S BEEN THE MAIN REASON FOR OUR POLICY OF EMPLOYING WILD ANIMALS AS LIBRARIANS.
AND ALSO THEY'RE MUCH MORE PERMISSIVE.
PUMAS KEEP HANK JANSON ON OPEN SHELVES.
YES, MR.
PHIPPS.
MR.
PHIPPS, I LOVE SEEING THE CUSTOMERS WHEN THEY COME IN TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SOME BOOK BEING DAMAGED AND ASK TO SEE THE CHIEF LIBRARIAN AND THEN YOU SHOULD SEE THEIR FACES WHEN THE PROUD BEAST LEAPS FROM HIS TINY OFFICE SNATCHES THE BOOK FROM THEIR HANDS AND SINKS HIS FANGS INTO THEIR SOFT MR.
PHIPPS KONG YOU CAN BE OUR NEXT LIBRARIAN.
YOU'RE PROUD, MAJESTIC AND FIERCE ENOUGH.
WILL YOU DO IT? I DON'T THINK I CAN, SIR.
WHY NOT? I'M NOT REALLY A GORILLA.
I'M A LIBRARIAN IN A SKIN.
(laughter) WHY THIS DECEPTION? WELL, THEY SAID IT WOULD BE THE BEST WAY TO GET A JOB.
GET OUT, MR.
LIBRARIAN PHIPPS SEEING AS YOU'RE NOT A GORILLA BUT ONLY DRESSED UP AS ONE TRYING TO DECEIVE US IN ORDER TO FURTHER YOUR CAREER! NEXT? AH, MR.
PATTINSON, SIT! Man in falsetto: "DEAR MIRROR VIEW "I WOULD LIKE TO BE PAID FIVE GUINEAS "FOR SAYING SOMETHING STUPID ABOUT A TELEVISION SHOW.
YOURS SINCERELY, MRS.
SYBIL AGRO.
" Man: "DEAR DAVID JACOBS, EAST GRINSTEAD, FRIDAY.
"WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO PAY 64 GUINEAS EACH YEAR "FOR MY TELEVISION LICENSE WHEN I CAN BUY ONE FOR SIX? "YOURS, SINCERELY, CAPTAIN R.
H.
PRETTY.
"P.
S SUPPORT RHODESIA, CUT MOTOR TAXES SAVE THE ARGYLLS, RUNNING-IN PLEASE PASS.
" Man: "DEAR OLD CODGERS "SOME FRIENDS OF MINE AND I HAVE FORMED A CONSORTIUM "AND, WORKING WITH SOPHISTICATED DRILLING EQUIPMEN "WE HAVE DISCOVERED EXTENSIVE NICKEL DEPOSITS "OFF WESTERN SCOTLAND.
THE CINCINNATI MINING COMPANY.
" Men: "GOOD FOR YOU, MA'AM!" Man: "DEAR OLD CODGERS "I AM PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
YOURS TRULY, R.
M.
NIXON.
" Men: "PHEW! BET THAT'S A JOB AND A HALF, MA'AM.
" Man (in falsetto): "DEAR SIR, I AM OVER 3,000 YEARS OLD AND WOULD LIKE TO SEE ANY SCENE WITH TWO PEOPLE IN BED.
" Men: "BET THAT'S A LINK, MA'AM.
" Men: "BET THAT'S A LINK, MA'AM.
"
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
(music ends with quack) (sighs heavily) WELL, WHERE IS HE? HMM HMM.
WELL, WHAT IS IT, DEAR? IT'S FROM THE BBC.
THEY WANT TO KNOW IF I WAN TO BE IN A SKETCH ON TELLY.
OOH, THAT'S NICE.
WHY, IT'S ACTING, ISN'T IT? YES.
WELL, I'M A PLUMBER.
I CAN'T ACT.
OH, YOU NEVER KNOW TILL YOU TRY.
LOOK AT MRS.
BRANDO'S SON NEXT DOOR.
HE WAS MENDING THE FRIDGE WHEN THEY CAME AND ASKED HIM TO BE THE WILD ONE.
WHAT DO THEY WANT YOU TO DO? WELL, THEY JUST WANT ME TO STAND AT A COUNTER AND WHEN THE SKETCH STARTS, I'LL GO OUT.
OH, THAT SOUNDS NICE.
THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL A WALK-ON.
WALK-ON? THAT'S A WALK-OFF, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.
WHERE IS HE, GEORGIE? HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE HOURS AGO.
HE BLOODY SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
WHAT ELSE DID IT SAY? IT JUST SAYS "WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE IN A SKETCH.
"YOU ARE STANDING AT A COUNTER.
"WHEN THE SKETCH STARTS, YOU GO OFF.
YOURS FAITHFULLY, LORD HILL.
" OH, WELL, YOU BETTER BE OFF, THEN.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE CAT? OH, I'LL LOOK AFTER THE CAT.
GOODNESS ME, MRS.
NEWMAN'S OLDES NEVER WORRIED ABOUT THE CA WHEN HE WENT OFF TO DO THE SWEET BIRD OF YOUTH.
ALL RIGHT, THEN, ALL RIGHT.
BYE-BYE, DEAR.
BYE-BYE, AND MIND YOU, DON'T GET SEDUCED.
(audience laughter) IT'LL MAKE A CHANGE FROM PLUMBING.
DAD, FRANK'S GO A TELEVISION PART.
YOU MISSED HIM.
(light laughter) (laughter) (clears throat) (calmly): GOOD MORNING.
I'M A BANK ROBBER.
UH, PLEASE DON'T PANIC.
JUST HAND OVER ALL YOUR MONEY.
THIS IS A LINGERIE SHOP, SIR.
FINE, FINE.
FINE.
(exhales loudly) (laughter) ADOPT, ADAPT AND IMPROVE.
MOTTO OF THE ROUND TABLE.
WELL, UM WHAT HAVE YOU GOT? UH, WE'VE GOT CORSETS, STOCKINGS, SUSPENDER BELTS TIGHTS, BRAS, SLIPS, PETTICOATS KNICKERS, SOCKS AND GARTERS, SIR.
FINE, FINE.
FINE, FINE.
UM NO LARGE PILES OF MONEY IN SAFES? NO, SIR.
NO DEPOSIT ACCOUNTS? NO, SIR.
NO PILES OF CASH IN EASY-TO-CARRY BAGS? NONE AT ALL, SIR.
NO LUNCHEON VOUCHERS? NO, SIR.
FINE, FINE.
WELL, UM ADOPT, ADAPT AND IMPROVE.
JUST A PAIR OF KNICKERS THEN, PLEASE.
(chuckles) WELL, THAT WAS A BIT OF FUN, WASN'T IT? (chuckles) AND A SPECIAL GOOD EVENING TO YOU.
NOT JUS AN ORDINARY GOOD EVENING LIKE YOU GET FROM ALL THE OTHER ANNOUNCERS BUT A SPECIAL GOOD EVENING FROM ME TO YOU.
WELL, WHAT HAVE WE GOT NEXT? THIS IS FUN, ISN'T IT? (laughs) LOOK, I'M SORRY IF I'M INTERRUPTING ANYTHING THAT ANY OF YOU MAY BE DOING AT HOME BUT I WANT YOU TO THINK OF ME AS AN OLD QUEEN FRIEND.
(chortles) WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT NEXT.
IN A FEW MOMENTS, IT'S A TREE AND IN THE CHAIR AS USUAL IS ARTHUR TREE AND STARRING IN THE SHOW WILL BE A HOST OF STAR GUESTS AS HIS STAR GUESTS.
AND THEN AT 9:30, WE'VE GO ANOTHER ROLLICKING HALF HOUR OF LAUGHTER-PACKED SQUALOR WITH YES, IT'S THE SEWAGE FARM ATTENDANTS.
(laughter) AND THIS WEEK, DAN FALLS INTO A VAT OF HUMAN DUNG WITH HILARIOUS CONSEQUENCES.
(laughter) BUT NOW IT'S THE GLITTERING WORLD OF SHOW BUSINESS WITH ARTHUR TREE.
(bubbly theme music playing) HELLO, HELLO, PEOPLE, AND WELCOME TO IT'S A TREE.
WE HAVE SOME REALLY EXCITING GUESTS FOR YOU THIS EVENING A FABULOUS SPRUCE BACK FROM A TOUR OF HOLLAND; THREE GUM TREES MAKING THEIR FIRST APPEARANCE IN THIS COUNTRY; SCOTS PINE AND THE CONIFERS; AND ELM TREE BOLE THERE YOU GO, CAN'T BE BAD AN EXCITING NEW AMERICAN PLANK; A RAIN FORES AND A BUCKET OF SAWDUS GIVING THEIR VIEWS ON TEENAGE VIOLENCE; AND AN UNUSUAL GUES FOR THIS PROGRAM A PIECE OF LAMINATED PLASTIC.
HI THERE.
BUT FIRST, WILL YOU PLEASE, PLEASE WELCOME A BLOCK OF WOOD.
(applause) WELL, BLOCK, NICE TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW AGAIN.
WELL, UH, THANKS, TREE.
I GOT TO PAY THE RENT.
(Tree giggling) SUPER.
WELL, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, BLOCK? WELL, I'VE JUST BEEN STARRING IN SEVERAL MAJOR MULTIMILLION- DOLLAR INTERNATIONAL FILMS AND DURING BREAKS ON THE SET, I'VE BEEN DESIGNING A CATHEDRAL DOING WONDERFUL UNPUBLICIZED WORK FOR CHARITY UH, FINISHING MY HISTORY OF THE WORLD, OF COURSE PULLING THE BIRDS OH! UH, PHOTOGRAPHING ROYALTY ON THE LOO AVERTING WORLD WAR Ill CAN'T BE BAD AND, UH LEARNING TO READ.
THE FULL RENAISSANCE BIT, REALLY.
(giggling): SUPER, SUPER.
WELL, I'VE GOT TO STOP YOU THERE, BLOCK, I'M AFRAID BECAUSE WE'VE GOT SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN DOING CABARE IN THE NEW FOREST.
FROM AMERICA, WILL YOU WELCOME, PLEASE A CHIPPENDALE WRITING DESK.
THANK YOU, MR.
TREE.
I'D NOW LIKE TO DO A FEW IMPERSONATIONS OF SOME OF FIRST OFF, LONG JOHN SLIVER.
(drum roll) ARG, JIM BOY, ARG, ARG.
AND NOW, EDWARD HEATH.
HELLO, SAILOR.
(laughter, drum roll) NOW, A SHORT SCENE FROM A PLAY BY HAROLD SPLINTER.
(crash) (laughter) WASN'T THAT JUST GREAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN? BUT WAIT A MINUTE.
WE'VE GOT SOMETHING ELSE I JUS KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE.
(trumpet fanfare) (fanfare repeats) (fanfare repeats) (fanfare repeats) YES, SIR, COMING RIGHT UP THE VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR SKETCH.
(trumpet fanfare) (fanfare repeats) (fanfare continues) Barbershop quartet: VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.
(exhales) (whistles softly) AH, MR.
ANCHOVY.
DO SIT DOWN.
THANK YOU.
TAKE THE WEIGH OFF THE FEET, EH? YES, YES.
LOVELY WEATHER FOR THE TIME OF YEAR, I MUST SAY.
ENOUGH OF THIS GAY BANTER.
AND NOW, MR.
ANCHOVY YOU ASKED US TO ADVISE YOU WHICH JOB IN LIFE YOU WERE BEST SUITED FOR.
THAT IS CORRECT, YES.
WELL, I NOW HAVE THE RESULTS HERE OF THE INTERVIEWS AND THE APTITUDE TESTS THAT YOU TOOK LAST WEEK AND FROM THEM, WE'VE BUILT UP A PRETTY CLEAR PICTURE OF THE SORT OF PERSON THAT YOU ARE AND I THINK I CAN SAY WITHOUT FEAR OF CONTRADICTION THAT THE IDEAL JOB FOR YOU IS CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY.
BUT I AM A CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT.
JOLLY GOOD.
WELL, BACK TO THE OFFICE WITH YOU, THEN.
NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I'VE BEEN A CHARTERED ACCOUNTAN FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.
I WANT A NEW JOB SOMETHING EXCITING THAT WILL LET ME LIVE.
WELL, CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY'S RATHER EXCITING, ISN'T IT? EXCITING?! NO, IT'S NOT! IT'S DULL, DULL, DULL.
MY GOD, IT'S DULL.
IT'S SO DESPERATELY DULL AND TEDIOUS AND STUFFY AND BORING AND DESPERATELY DULL.
WELL, UH, YES, MR.
ANCHOVY BUT YOU SEE, YOUR REPORT HERE SAYS THAT YOU ARE AN EXTREMELY DULL PERSON.
YOU SEE, OUR EXPERTS DESCRIBE YOU AS AN APPALLINGLY DULL FELLOW UNIMAGINATIVE, TIMID, LACKING IN INITIATIVE SPINELESS, EASILY DOMINATED NO SENSE OF HUMOR, TEDIOUS COMPANY AND IRREPRESSIBLY DRAB AND AWFUL.
AND WHEREAS IN MOST PROFESSIONS THESE WOULD BE CONSIDERABLE DRAWBACKS IN CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY, THEY'RE A POSITIVE BOON.
BUT YOU SEE, I CAME HERE TO FIND A NEW JOB, A NEW LIFE A NEW MEANING TO MY EXISTENCE.
CAN'T YOU HELP ME? WELL, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHA YOU WANT TO DO? YES, YES, I HAVE.
WHAT? (exuberantly): LION TAMING.
YES, YES, OF COURSE, IT'S A BIT OF A JUMP, ISN'T IT? I MEAN, CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY TO LION TAMING IN ONE GO.
YOU DON'T THINK IT MIGHT BE BETTER IF YOU WORKED YOUR WAY TOWARDS LION TAMING SAY, VIA BANKING OR NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I DON'T WANT TO WAIT.
AT 9:00 TOMORROW I WANT TO BE IN THERE TAMING.
FINE, FINE, BUT DO YOU DO YOU HAVE ANY QUALIFICATIONS? YES, I'VE GOT A HAT.
(laughter) A HAT? YES, A HAT, A LION TAMING HAT.
A HAT WITH "LION TAMER" ON IT.
I GOT IT AT HARRODS.
AND IT LIGHTS UP, SAYING "LION TAMER" IN GREAT, BIG NEON LETTERS SO YOU CAN TAME THEM AFTER DARK WHEN THEY'RE LESS STROPPY.
I SEE, I SEE.
AND YOU CAN CLAIM REASONABLE WEAR AND TEAR SWITCH IT OFF DURING THE DAYTIME AS ALLOWABLE PROFESSIONAL EXPENSES YES, YES, YES I DO FOLLOW THE STRATEGY, BUT YOU SEE, THE SNAG IS IF I NOW CALL MR.
CHIPPERFIELD AND SAY TO HIM "LOOK HERE, I'VE GO "A 45-YEAR-OLD CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT WITH ME WHO WANTS TO BECOME A LION TAMER" HIS FIRST QUESTION IS NOT GOING TO BE "DOES HE HAVE HIS OWN HAT?" HE'S GOING TO ASK WHAT SORT OF EXPERIENCE YOU'VE HAD WITH LIONS.
WELL, I'VE SEEN THEM AT THE ZOO.
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
YES, THEY'RE BROWN, FURRY THINGS WITH SHORT, STUMPY LEGS AND GREAT, LONG NOSES.
I DON'T KNOW WHA ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.
I COULD TAME ONE OF THOSE.
THEY LOOK PRETTY TAME TO START WITH.
AND THESE, UM, THESE LIONS, HOW HIGH ARE THEY? WELL, THEY'RE ABOU SO HIGH, YOU KNOW.
THEY DON' FRIGHTEN ME AT ALL.
REALLY? AND DO THESE LIONS EAT ANTS? YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
(laughter) UH, WELL, MR.
ANCHOVY I'M AFRAID WHAT YOU'VE GO HOLD OF THERE IS AN ANTEATER.
A WHAT? AN ANTEATER, NOT A LION.
YOU SEE, A LION IS A HUGE, SAVAGE BEAS ABOUT FIVE FEET HIGH, TEN FEE LONG, WEIGHING ABOUT 400 POUNDS RUNNING 40 MILES AN HOUR WITH MASSES OF SHARP, POINTED TEETH AND NASTY, LONG, RAZOR-SHARP CLAWS THAT COULD RIP YOUR BELLY OPEN BEFORE YOU COULD SAY "ERIC ROBINSON.
" AND THEY LOOK LIKE THIS.
(growls ferociously) (shrieks) TIME ENOUGH, I THINK, FOR A PIECE OF WOOD.
Man: THE LARCH.
NOW, SHALL I CALL MR.
CHIPPERFIELD? UH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I THINK YOUR IDEA OF MAKING THE TRANSITION TO LION TAMING VIA EASY STAGES, SAY, VIA INSURANCE OR BANKING.
OR BANKING, BANKING, YES, BANKING.
THAT'S A MAN'S LIFE, ISN'T IT? BANKING TRAVEL, EXCITEMENT, ADVENTURE THRILLS, DECISIONS AFFECTING PEOPLE'S LIVES.
JOLLY GOOD.
SHALL I PUT YOU IN TOUCH WITH THE BANK? YES NO, NO, NO.
LOOK, IT'S A BIG DECISION.
I'D LIKE JUS A COUPLE OF WEEKS TO THINK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW? DON'T WANT TO JUMP INTO IT TOO QUICKLY.
MAYBE THREE WEEKS.
I COULD LET YOU KNOW DEFINITELY THEN.
WELL, THIS IS JUST ONE OF THE ALL-TOO-MANY CASES ON OUR BOOKS OF CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY.
THE ONLY WAY THAT WE CAN FIGH THIS TERRIBLE, DEBILITATING SOCIAL DISEASE IS BY INFORMING THE GENERAL PUBLIC OF ITS CONSEQUENCES BY SHOWING YOUNG PEOPLE PERHAPS I COULD DO IT, JUST FOR A BIT THAT IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT.
SO PLEASE, GIVE GENEROUSLY TO THIS ADDRESS: OH! (chuckles) WELL, THAT WAS FUN, WASN'T IT? NO, IT WASN'T, YOU FAIRY.
(effeminately): OH, HELLO, SAILOR.
HERE, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE GO ON ONE OF OUR VOYAGES.
THEY WERE ALL DEAD BUTCH.
MMM, THAT'S NOT WHAT I'VE HEARD.
Man: THERE IS AN EPIC QUALITY ABOUT THE SEA WHICH HAS THROUGHOUT HISTORY STIRRED THE HEARTS AND MINDS SIR FRANCIS DRAKE, CAPTAIN WEBB, NELSON OF TRAFALGAR AND SCOTT OF THE ANTARCTIC ALL ROSE TO THE CHALLENGE OF THE MIGHTY OCEAN.
MAY ADD HIS NAME TO THE GOLDEN ROLL OF HISTORY: MR.
RON OBVIOUS OF NEAPS END FOR TODAY, RON OBVIOUS HOPES TO BE THE FIRST MAN TO JUMP THE CHANNEL.
(laughter) RON, NOW, LET'S JUS GET THIS QUITE CLEAR YOU'RE INTENDING TO JUMP OH, YES, THAT IS CORRECT, YES.
AND JUST HOW FAR IS THAT? OH, WELL, IT'S 26 MILES FROM HERE TO CALAIS.
THAT'S TO THE BEACH AT CALAIS? WELL, NO, NO, PROVIDED I GET A GOOD LIFT-OFF AND MAYBE A GUST OF BREEZE OVER THE FRENCH COAS I SHALL BE JUMPING INTO THE CENTER OF CALAIS ITSELF.
ARE YOU USING ANY SPECIAL TECHNIQUES TO JUMP THIS GREAT DISTANCE? OH, NO, NO.
I SHALL BE USING AN ORDINARY TWO-FOOTED JUMP STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR AND ACROSS THE CHANNEL.
I SEE.
RON, WHAT IS THE FURTHEST DISTANCE THAT YOU'VE JUMPED SO FAR? OH, UH, 11 FOOT, SIX INCHES AT MOTSPUR PARK ON JULY 22.
BUT I HAVE DONE NEARLY 12 FEET UNOFFICIALLY.
I SEE, UH RON, RON, AREN'T YOU WORRIED RON, AREN'T YOU WORRIED JUMPING 26 MILES ACROSS THE SEA? OH, NO, NO, NO.
IT IS, IN FACT, EASIER TO JUMP OVER SEA THAN OVER DRY LAND.
WELL, HOW IS THAT? WELL, MY MANAGER EXPLAINED IT TO ME.
YOU SEE, IF YOU'RE FIVE MILES OU WITH NOTHING BU SEA UNDERNEATH YOU THERE IS A VERY GREAT IMPETUS TO STAY IN THE AIR.
(laughter) I SEE, WELL, UH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, RON AND THE VERY BEST OF LUCK.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THE MAN BEHIND RON'S CROSS-CHANNEL JUMP IS HIS MANAGER, MR.
LUIGI VERCOTTI.
MR.
VERCOTTI MR.
VERCOTTI.
MR.
VERCOTTI.
WHAT? MR.
VERCOTTI I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
UH, NO, WE'RE FROM THE BBC, MR.
VERCOTTI.
WHO? THE BBC.
OH, OH, I SEE.
I THOUGHT I THOUGH YOU WERE THE, UM I LIKE THE POLICE A LOT.
I'VE GOT LOTS OF TIME FOR THEM.
WELL, UH, MR.
VERCOTTI WHAT IS YOUR CHIEF TASK AS RON'S MANAGER? WELL, MY MAIN TASK IS TO FIX A SPONSOR FOR THE BIG JUMP.
AND WHO IS THE SPONSOR? THE CHIPPENHAM BRICK COMPANY.
THEY PAY ALL THE BILLS, IN RETURN FOR WHICH RON WILL BE CARRYING HALF A HUNDREDWEIGHT OF THEIR BRICKS.
(laughter) I SEE.
WELL, IT LOOKS AS IF RON IS READY NOW.
HE'S GOT THE BRICKS.
HE'S HAD HIS PASSPORT CHECKED AND HE'S ALL SET TO GO.
AND HE'S OFF ON THE FIRST-EVER CROSS-CHANNEL JUMP.
(laughter) WILL RON BE TRYING THE CROSS-CHANNEL JUMP AGAIN SOON? NO, NO, I'M TAKING HIM OFF THE JUMPS BECAUSE I'VE GOT SOMETHING LINED UP FOR RON NEXT WEEK THAT I THINK IS VERY MUCH MORE UP HIS STREET.
WHAT'S THAT? RON IS GOING TO EA CHICHESTER CATHEDRAL.
(laughter) (church bells ringing) WELL, THERE HE GOES, RON OBVIOUS OF NEAPS END IN AN ATTEMP WHICH COULD MAKE HIM THE FIRST MAN EVER TO EA AN ENTIRE ANGLICAN CATHEDRAL.
(laughter) (laughter) (cracking) (screaming) WELL, UH, I THINK, DAVID THIS IS SOMETHING WHICH RON AND I ARE REALLY KEEN ON.
RON IS GOING TO TUNNEL FROM GODALMING HERE TO JAVA HERE.
(laughter) JAVA.
YEAH, I PERSONALLY THINK THIS IS GOING TO MAKE RON A HOUSEHOLD NAME OVERNIGHT.
AND HOW FAR HAS HE GOT? WELL, HE'S QUITE FAR NOW, DAVE, UH, WELL ON THE WAY.
WELL ON THE WAY, YEAH.
WELL, WHERE IS HE, EXACTLY? YEAH.
WHERE? OH, WELL, UM, YOU KNOW IT'S DIFFICULT TO SAY, EXACTLY.
HE'S, YOU KNOW, IN THE AREA OF, UM RON, HOW FAR HAVE YOU GOT? OH, ABOUT TWO FOOT, SIX, MR.
VERCOTTI.
YEAH, WELL, KEEP DIGGING, LAD, KEEP DIGGING.
MR.
VERCOTTI, ARE YOU SURE THERE ISN'T A SPADE? UH, MR.
VERCOTTI, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE WHO ACCUSE YOU OF EXPLOITING RON FOR YOUR OWN PURPOSES? WELL, THAT'S TOTALLY UNTRUE, DAVID.
EVER SINCE I LEFT SICILY I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO THE BEST FOR RON.
I KNOW WHAT RON WANTS TO DO I BELIEVE IN HIM AND I'M JUS TRYING TO CREATE THE OPPORTUNITIES FOR RON TO DO THE KIND OF THINGS HE WANTS TO DO.
AND WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO TODAY? HE'S GOING TO SPLI A RAILWAY CARRIAGE WITH HIS NOSE.
(Ron screaming) THE ONLY DIFFICULT BIT FOR RON IS GETTING OU OF EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE.
ONCE HE'S IN ORBIT, HE'LL BE ABLE TO RUN STRAIGHT TO MERCURY.
(trumpet fanfare) (screaming) Vercotti: I AM NOW EXTREMELY HOPEFUL THAT RON WILL BREAK THE WORLD RECORD FOR REMAINING UNDERGROUND.
HE'S A WONDERFUL BOY, THIS AND HE'S GOT THIS REALLY ENORMOUS TALEN THIS REALLY HUGE TALENT.
Woman 1: THAT'S A BIT SAD, ISN'T IT? Woman 2: SHH, IT'S SATIRE.
NO, IT ISN'T, IT'S JUST ZANY MADCAP HUMOR.
OH, IS IT? (bell dinging) GOOD MORNING, I'D LIKE TO BUY A CAT.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
GOT A LOVELY TERRIER.
(laughter) NO, I WAN A CAT, REALLY.
OH, YEAH.
HOW ABOUT THAT? (laughter) WELL, THAT'S THE TERRIER.
WELL, IT'S AS NEAR AS DAMMIT.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I WANT A CAT.
LISTEN, TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL FILE HIS LEGS DOWN A BIT, TAKE HIS SNOUT OFF STICK A FEW WIRES THROUGH HIS CHEEKS THERE YOU ARE, LOVELY PUSSYCAT.
IT'S NOT A PROPER CAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HE WOULDN'T MEOW.
WELL, IT WOULD HOWL A BIT.
(laughter) NO, NO, NO, NO.
HAVE YOU GOT A PARROT? I'M AFRAID NOT, ACTUALLY, GUV, WE'RE FRESH OUT OF PARROTS.
TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH, I'LL LOP ITS BACK LEGS OFF, MAKE GOOD STRIP THE FUR, STICK A COUPLE OF WINGS ON AND STAPLE ON A BEAK OF YOUR OWN CHOICE.
NO PROBLEM, LOVELY PARROT.
HOW LONG WOULD THAT TAKE? OH, LET ME SEE STRIPPING THE FUR OFF, NO LEGS HARRY? Harry: YEAH.
CAN YOU DO A PARROT JOB ON THIS, UH CAN YOU DO A PARROT JOB ON THIS TERRIER STRAIGHT AWAY? Harry: NO, I'M STILL PUTTING A TUCK IN THE AIREDALE AND THEN I'VE GO THE FROGS TO LET OUT.
FRIDAY? NO, I NEED IT FOR TOMORROW; IT'S A PRESENT.
OH, DEAR, IT'S A LONG JOB, YOU SEE, PARROT CONVERSION.
UH, TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH, FOR FREE TERRIERS MAKE LOVELY FISH.
I MEAN, I WOULD DO THA FOR YOU STRAIGHT AWAY.
LEGS OFF, FINS ON, STICK A LITTLE PIPE THROUGH THE BACK OF ITS NECK SO HE CAN BREATHE A BIT OF GOLD PAINT.
MAKE GOOD.
YOU'D NEED A VERY BIG TANK.
IT'S A GREA CONVERSATION PIECE.
(laughter) YEAH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
BUT ONLY IF I CAN WATCH.
OH, I THOUGHT THAT WAS A BIT PREDICTABLE.
IT'S BEEN DONE BEFORE.
YEAH, WE DID I FOR CAESAR'S CHRISTMAS SHOW.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YOU DID JACKAND THE BEANSTALK.
HERE, WHAT WAS THAT PICTURE? SHH NEXT.
GOOD MORNING MR.
PHIPPS? THAT'S RIGHT, YES.
UM, DO TAKE A SEAT.
RIGHT, SIR.
NOW, COULD YOU TELL US, ROUGHLY WHY YOU WANT TO BECOME A LIBRARIAN? WELL, I'VE HAD A CERTAIN AMOUN OF EXPERIENCE RUNNING A LIBRARY AT SCHOOL.
YES, YES, WHAT SOR OF EXPERIENCE? WELL, FOR A TIME I RAN THE UPPER SCIENCE LIBRARY.
YES, YES.
NOW, MR.
PHIPPS, OF COURSE YOU DO REALIZE THAT THE POST OF LIBRARIAN CARRIES WITH I CERTAIN VERY IMPORTAN RESPONSIBILITIES.
I MEAN, THERE'S THE SELECTION OF BOOKS THE RECORD LIBRARY AND THE ART GALLERY.
NOW, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOUR GREATEST DISADVANTAGE IS YOUR LACK OF PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE COUPLED WITH THE FAC THAT BEING A GORILLA YOU WOULD TEND TO FRIGHTEN PEOPLE.
UH, IS HE A GORILLA? YES, HE IS.
WHY DOESN'T I SAY ON HIS FORM THAT HE'S A GORILLA? WELL, YOU SEE APPLICANTS ARE NOT REQUIRED TO FILL IN THEIR SPECIES.
WHAT WAS THAT PICTURE? SHH! MR.
PHIPPS, WHAT IS YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS CENSORSHIP IN THE PUBLIC LIBRARY? HOW DO YOU MEAN, SIR? WELL, I MEAN FOR INSTANCE WOULD YOU STOCK LAST EXI TO BROOKLYN OR GROUPIE? YES, I THINK SO.
GOOD.
YES, WELL, THAT SEEMS TO BE VERY SENSIBLE, MR.
PHIPPS.
I CAN'T PRETEND THAT THIS LIBRARY HASN'T HAD ITS DIFFICULTIES.
MR.
ROBERTSON YOUR PREDECESSOR AN EXCELLENT LIBRARIAN, SAVAGED THREE PEOPLE LAST WEEK AND HAD TO BE DESTROYED.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
OH, NO, DON'T BE SORRY.
YOU SEE, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT LIBRARIES SHOULD BE DRAB PLACES WHERE PEOPLE SIT IN SILENCE AND THAT'S BEEN THE MAIN REASON FOR OUR POLICY OF EMPLOYING WILD ANIMALS AS LIBRARIANS.
AND ALSO THEY'RE MUCH MORE PERMISSIVE.
PUMAS KEEP HANK JANSON ON OPEN SHELVES.
YES, MR.
PHIPPS.
MR.
PHIPPS, I LOVE SEEING THE CUSTOMERS WHEN THEY COME IN TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SOME BOOK BEING DAMAGED AND ASK TO SEE THE CHIEF LIBRARIAN AND THEN YOU SHOULD SEE THEIR FACES WHEN THE PROUD BEAST LEAPS FROM HIS TINY OFFICE SNATCHES THE BOOK FROM THEIR HANDS AND SINKS HIS FANGS INTO THEIR SOFT MR.
PHIPPS KONG YOU CAN BE OUR NEXT LIBRARIAN.
YOU'RE PROUD, MAJESTIC AND FIERCE ENOUGH.
WILL YOU DO IT? I DON'T THINK I CAN, SIR.
WHY NOT? I'M NOT REALLY A GORILLA.
I'M A LIBRARIAN IN A SKIN.
(laughter) WHY THIS DECEPTION? WELL, THEY SAID IT WOULD BE THE BEST WAY TO GET A JOB.
GET OUT, MR.
LIBRARIAN PHIPPS SEEING AS YOU'RE NOT A GORILLA BUT ONLY DRESSED UP AS ONE TRYING TO DECEIVE US IN ORDER TO FURTHER YOUR CAREER! NEXT? AH, MR.
PATTINSON, SIT! Man in falsetto: "DEAR MIRROR VIEW "I WOULD LIKE TO BE PAID FIVE GUINEAS "FOR SAYING SOMETHING STUPID ABOUT A TELEVISION SHOW.
YOURS SINCERELY, MRS.
SYBIL AGRO.
" Man: "DEAR DAVID JACOBS, EAST GRINSTEAD, FRIDAY.
"WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO PAY 64 GUINEAS EACH YEAR "FOR MY TELEVISION LICENSE WHEN I CAN BUY ONE FOR SIX? "YOURS, SINCERELY, CAPTAIN R.
H.
PRETTY.
"P.
S SUPPORT RHODESIA, CUT MOTOR TAXES SAVE THE ARGYLLS, RUNNING-IN PLEASE PASS.
" Man: "DEAR OLD CODGERS "SOME FRIENDS OF MINE AND I HAVE FORMED A CONSORTIUM "AND, WORKING WITH SOPHISTICATED DRILLING EQUIPMEN "WE HAVE DISCOVERED EXTENSIVE NICKEL DEPOSITS "OFF WESTERN SCOTLAND.
THE CINCINNATI MINING COMPANY.
" Men: "GOOD FOR YOU, MA'AM!" Man: "DEAR OLD CODGERS "I AM PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
YOURS TRULY, R.
M.
NIXON.
" Men: "PHEW! BET THAT'S A JOB AND A HALF, MA'AM.
" Man (in falsetto): "DEAR SIR, I AM OVER 3,000 YEARS OLD AND WOULD LIKE TO SEE ANY SCENE WITH TWO PEOPLE IN BED.
" Men: "BET THAT'S A LINK, MA'AM.
" Men: "BET THAT'S A LINK, MA'AM.
"