Mork and Mindy (1978) s01e10 Episode Script

Nanu-nanu.
Shazbot! MAN: Say, I like your place.
Mmm thanks You know, I wasn't sure you'd ever want to see me again.
Now, Dan, do I look like the type of girl who would hold a little thing like a broken engagement against you? You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you do say will be held against you Mindy, Mindy, I didn't mean to hurt you.
I just wasn't ready to settle down.
Then why did you ask me to marry you? Well, I was young.
I didn't know what I wanted.
I have to admit I was surprised that you called.
I thought that you were probably out sowing your wild oats.
Well, now I think I'm more interested in rice.
Uh, which reminds me, there's a new Japanese restaurant I'd like to try for lunch tomorrow.
How does that sound to you? I'd love it.
Good.
I'll, uh, pick you up at noon.
Okay.
Then noon it is.
Thanks for goin' out, Mindy.
Well, thanks for asking me out, Dan.
It was fun.
It always was.
Tomorrow.
Bye.
( whistles ) Mindy! Mork! How was your mating? Dating! That's dating.
Oh.
And it was wonderful.
Dan took me to this great Danish restaurant.
Sounds interesting.
What do great Danes eat? And he's taking me to lunch tomorrow, too.
What is it about this earthling that makes you so hungry? Well, Dan and I are old friends.
As a matter of fact, our relationship had gotten pretty serious at one time.
Serious.
Ah, sounds like you need cheering up.
Come see my apartment.
I've just redecorated the attic, and it's scamp city and totally taste-free! Come on! ( speaking Orkan ) ( yells like Tarzan ) ( speaking Orkan ) What do you think? Well, what can I say except it's you? You like my bed? You sleep on that? Oh, it's not bad once you get the hang of it.
( honking bark ) What's this? Oh, it's a hide-a-bed for houseguests.
Now, I must say, I've never seen a lamp sticking out of the wall quite like that.
I like to read in bed.
Well, Mork, this place certainly is designed for your kind of living.
What an interesting wall covering! It's grass.
Mork, why do you have grass on your wall? Oh, the plants kept falling off.
Can I get you something to sit on? Here, here's my footstool.
Now, that's a great idea! A footstool shaped like a foot.
Wait'll you see the end tables I've ordered.
Well, Mork, I think you've done a fabulous job.
It looks really good.
( buzzing sound ) What's this? It looks like some sort of a calculator or something.
Oh, no, it's not a calculator.
It's an Orkan Age Machine.
A what? Actually, it's a small computer designed to alter our brain waves so we can achieve any age we want.
Uh, why would you want to do that? Well, if you're suffering from tension or feeling uptight, you set it for a certain age, set that, and it's like a vacation, kinda like our version of Fantasy Island.
You know, "Boss, the plane has landed.
" You're kidding.
Ah, "kidding", no.
That would be button 3.
Give it a go! Okay.
( as a child ): No, I don't want your cooties.
( computer buzzing ) ( as teen-ager ): Wow! Come on! All the other kids are in hyperspace.
I just want the keys to the egg.
It'd be really right on.
Where's Dave? ( computer buzzing ) ( chants in Orkan ) ( computer buzzing ) Whoa, I didn't know it went that far back.
Well, thanks for taking me to lunch, Dan.
How about dinner? Do you realize how many restaurants we've been to in these last three weeks? Uh, I see you're on to me.
You've figured out that I'm trying to get at your heart through your stomach.
( laughing ) Maybe that's why I like you so much.
Most guys immediately want to take the scenic route.
Hi, Dan.
Hi, Mr.
M.
Uh, pick you up at 8:00? Okay, I'll be ready.
All right, uh good-bye.
Excuse me.
I'd turn sideways, but I haven't got one.
Hi Mindy! How are you? Oh, Sally! Well, I see you're still hangin' in there! Yeah.
I feel just like the Post Office.
Neither of us deliver on time.
Well, hello, Sally, dear.
Can we do anything for you? Yeah, you could tell me if my shoes match.
Well, have you put in your request for a boy or a girl? Well, Cora, what difference does it make? With a mother like Sally that baby's gonna be beautiful either way.
Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Just for that, if it's a boy, I'm gonna name him after you.
Fascinating! A boy called Weiner! Oh, Cora Uh, nice to see you, Sally.
You, too.
Listen, you wouldn't happen to have The Little Engine That Could? I don't know.
Let me check in the children's section.
Oh, good.
You know, Sally, you look absolutely radiant.
Oh, come on.
You do.
I don't think I've ever seen you look this good.
It's motherhood.
You oughta try it sometime.
Well, maybe I will sometime.
I like kids, but I don't think I'm ready to be a mother yet.
Oh Mindy Oh, who's your fat friend? Mork! Oh, parallel universe! What a coincidence! My name's Mork, too.
Na-nu, na-nu! Um, Sally Freeman, this is my friend, Mork.
And Sally isn't fat; she's pregnant.
Oh, that's wonderful.
What's pregnant? Didn't your parents ever tell you anything? I don't have any parents.
I'm a test tube baby.
( laughing ) That's Mork.
Always with the jokes.
( honking bark ) I just felt a kick! Somebody kicked you? Must have been hit-and-run.
Mork, her baby kicked her.
Why, what did she do to it? She didn't do anything to it.
A baby always kicks when it's inside its mother.
There's a baby in there! You're tryin' to jive my socks off! There's a real live ( makes baby sounds ) Whoa, shazbat! Kids get in the darndest places.
SALLY: I can't wait till he's born so I can see what he looks like.
I'll bet he's round.
Sally, do you think that you'll go back to work after you have the baby? No, Mindy, I want to do all that hokey stuff.
You know, I want to build blocks and play peek-a-boo and take him for walks in the park, watch him grow up.
That's gonna be my career.
Oh, that's really nice.
Well, here's your record.
It's on the house.
It's, uh, a birthday present.
Oh, thanks a lot.
I'll see you later, Mindy.
Oh, good luck.
So long, Mork.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
Oh Whew Oh, you know, Mork, I really envy Sally.
She really knows what she wants.
And I envy her baby.
You envy her baby? Why? It has something I never had a mother.
Oh Good night, Mindy.
Good night, Dan.
Bye.
What are you doing up so late? Something was bothering me.
I couldn't sleep.
So I decided I'd relax by soaking in a hot tub.
Oh.
Yeah, that's what I always do.
Oh, Mork, is there anything you want to talk about? Mork, what are you doing? ( Mork talking underwater ) Mork! On Earth you don't soak your head in a tub like that.
You soak your feet! Are you kidding? If I soak my feet in there, I wouldn't last five minutes! Well, do you want to tell me what the problem is? All right.
Come on.
Sit down.
Ever since I met your friend Sally, I I always thought I was raised in the best possible way.
Oh, how were you raised? By a computer.
Computer! Oh, yes.
Her name was Nannivac 30.
But all the 8,000 kids in our warehouse used to just call her "Nanny.
" Every bleem she'd wash me, feed me, burp me, take care of all my needs.
Did she change you, too? Well, I'm a better person for having known her.
But somehow after seeing Sally and how happy she was, I feel like I'm missing something.
Oh, Mork, you missed being loved.
But Nanny was always there.
Every morning I'd roll past her on the conveyer belt.
She'd pick me up in her warm little metal claws, tickle me under the chin with a high-intensity laser and sing in that soft little voice ( hums melody from Close Encounters of the Third Kind ) If that's not love, what is it? Factory servicing.
Doesn't an Earth mother do the very same thing? Well, yeah, but she does it because she wants to, not because she's plugged in.
Oh, I see.
On Earth then, a mother's a very important job, too.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know a job more important.
Do you want to have babies someday? Well, you know, I I didn't think I did, but I think I might, yeah.
How about tomorrow? Mork, it isn't that easy.
I'll help.
Mork, I think there's something that you and I should talk about.
Oh, if it's about having babies, I know all about that.
First the bird lands and adds the pollen.
No.
You see, Mork, Dan has asked me to be his wife.
Dan! That guy you've been eating around with? Did you say yes? No Whew hey But I think I'm going to.
Oh I'm very happy for you.
MORK: Mindy, what's on your brain? I'm about to be married and I I feel like I just might be biting off more than I can chew.
Ooh, sounds like a marriage on Alpha Centauri.
There the bride and the groom eat the best man.
They eat the best man? Ah, but it's done in good taste, though.
I'm sure it is.
Oh, Mork, I I'm worried.
I just don't know what it would be like to have a child.
Yeah, and I'm sad because I don't know what it would be like to have a mother.
Well, at least I've got a way of finding out.
Wait.
( orkan humming ) I have a way we both can find out.
I'll set my age machine for three years old ( beeping ) for ten minutes.
( beeping ) That way I'll be your baby ( beeps ) and you'll be my ( computer bleeps ) ( baby voice ): Mommy! Mommy, hold me! Hold me! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! That was fun.
Let's do it again.
No, No, Mork, you're too heavy for that.
Me Morky, you Mommy.
No, me Mindy.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Aha.
Look here.
I know where my belly button is.
Oh, that's that's nice.
Can I see yours? No! Come on, Mork, now give me your age machine.
No, it's mine! ( blows raspberry ) ( laughs ) Now, Morky, Dan is gonna be here any minute and it'll be embarrassing to have a giant three- year-old running around, so give me your age machine.
No, no! Can't get it! Can't get it! Na, na, weiner, weiner, weiner! Now, come on.
Now you listen, young man, you give me that age machine right now.
( laughs ) ( doorbell rings ) That's Dan.
Morky, Mommy has company so why don't you take a nice nap? No.
Morky not sleepy.
I wanna stay up all night and drive Mommy shazbot.
Nyah, nyah, n-nyah! If Morky takes a nap, Mommy'll make him his favorite treat, and he knows what that is.
A baloney sundae! Yay! ( doorbell rings ) Oh, nice toys.
Nice toys.
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Shh.
I'll let you play with these if you promise to be quiet.
Promise? Yeah.
Okay, you be good.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
( cackles ) ( doorbell rings ) Hi.
Let's go.
Hi.
What's the rush? The movie doesn't start for an hour.
Oh.
Sure, come on in.
Oh Oh, is that for me? Uh, no, that is for our firstborn.
Dan, that's a little premature.
I haven't even made my mind up yet.
Oh, you will.
( Mork singing baby Orkan-talk ) Did you hear that? ( clunking ) It's probably squirrels.
Oh.
Anyway, when we get married, it is going to be so great.
I can hardly wait to hear the pitter-patter of little feet.
( loud, clunking pitter-patter ) ( Mork singing baby Orkan-talk ) Say, uh, are you sure we're alone? Well, yes.
Oh, no, uh there's a plumber in the attic.
( beads clicking ) ( baby talk ) It, uh looks like your plumber broke his necklace.
( chuckles nervously ) Yeah, well, I sure am glad he got those out of the pipes.
Uh, I'll just go up and see if he found the earrings, too.
Mork.
Mork ( singsongy ): Morky, where are you? ( shrieks ) ( laughs ) That is not funny.
Now come out of there.
You broke my pearls and rolled them all down the stairs.
Not all.
Now, Mork, you promised to be quiet.
( loud ): But I am being quiet! Shh! No, you're ( blows raspberry ) No, you're not.
Yes, I am! Yes, I am! Yes, I am! Shh! So there.
Besides I have nothing quiet to do and I'm not a mime.
Why don't why don't you just play? Can I play dress-up? DAN: Mindy? Uh, coming, Dan.
I don't care what you play but just play quiet.
Yay! A dog for a day, yay! Mork, just play quiet.
Okay? Okay? Answer me.
( loudly ): You said be quiet! Shh! Just play quiet.
Now, shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
( spits, bead tinkles ) ( laughs loudly ) Kids.
Is everything fixed? Well, uh, no, but everything will be back to normal in about, uh, six minutes.
( clinking ) You know, it sounds like you've got a plumber that's not too experienced.
Oh, he isn't.
But only the young ones will make house calls.
Here, I picked up your pearls.
You know, when we have kids you can't leave those laying around.
They'll put them in their mouths.
I've heard.
You know, I think I want about ten.
Ten kids?! That's inconceivable.
No, no, kids are great.
They are so much fun.
Just a joy to have around.
( crashing ) ( Mork crying ) The, uh, plumber is crying? Oh, uh, he brought his kid with him because he, uh, couldn't find a baby-sitter, so, uh, just wait here.
( Mork crying loudly ) ( crying ) Oh, what happened? Mommy, hurt.
Boo-boo.
Oh There, there.
No.
No.
Here, here.
( cries ) Oh It's gonna be all right.
It'll be all right.
Tell me what happened.
Moo-moo bit me! And then he came down, he attacked my knee.
Bad! ( crying ) Oh, you're right.
Bad moo-moo for hurting Morky.
There, Moo-Moo won't hurt you anymore.
Mommy, Mommy, you're protecting me against a bad moo-moo.
Yeah, now come over here and sit down.
I'll find something to dry your tears.
Morky Mommy can't dry your tears if you're sitting on them.
There, there.
( blows nose ) There.
Now everything's okay.
Will you always protect me and take care of me? Well, I will until you're old enough to take care of yourself.
Which will be in about one minute.
Uh, now, Mommy has to go downstairs if you're all right.
I'm all right.
I'm a big boy.
Okay, now, you be good.
Yeah.
I gotta go potty.
Number three.
The plumber's okay now.
I mean, I cheered up his kid.
Say, you're a real plumber's helper.
MORK ( as baby ): Oh, humor.
Aah, aah.
He has a well-developed sense of humor.
Well, he's kinda old for his age.
Let's go.
Mommy! ( baby talk ) Oh, toys.
Mommy! ( car engine starts ) ( crying ) ( cries ): Good-bye, Mommy.
Good-bye, Mommy.
( computer beeping ) ( normal voice ): Good-bye, Mindy.
( door opens ) Well, good night, Mindy.
Well, good-bye, Dan.
( TV playing ) ( TV music stops ) ( mumbles ) Oh, good-bye.
You must've fallen asleep while watching TV.
If I was asleep, then the TV was watching me.
How was your movie? We didn't go to the movies.
We just, uh, talked.
Actually, Dan talked, I listened.
I told him I'm not gonna marry him, Mork.
Bummer.
I guess you'll have to rent babies then.
No, that was just the point.
All night long Dan just kept talking about babies and then I realized that he never talked about us.
He wasn't into having a wife as much as he wanted a family.
And I want to be a couple before I'm a group.
I'm sorry you lost your husband.
Did my becoming a child affect your decision? Well, I have to admit it opened my eyes.
It's hard to be a mother.
Yeah, it's pretty tough being a kid, too.
But you made it easy.
You know something? You're gonna make a terrific mother.
Oh, Mork.
A toast.
To motherhood? Maybe.
To chickens with lips.
Mork calling Orson Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
What did you learn about Earth this time, Mork? For one thing, on Earth, babies aren't grown in test tubes.
They're grown in something wonderful called a mother.
That's the old- fashioned way, Mork.
did it up here, too, as part of a nostalgia craze.
Sometimes I think the old way is the best way, Orson.
Nap, nap.
Our method is much more efficient.
Orson, when you were a baby, don't you remember being held and cuddled, taken for walks? Nannivac 26 did that.
But on Earth, a mother does it.
And she does all sorts of other nice things for her children for her entire life.
Aw, it's a warm and wonderful thing.
How much does she get paid? Nothing.
Is it because her work is considered of no real value? Oh, no, it's because it's considered priceless.
Good night, Mork.
Orson, one more thing.
Can you tell me a bedtime story? I don't know any.
Too bad.
Good night, Your Immense-ness.
See you next week.
Nanu-nanu.