Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (2003) s01e10 Episode Script
Physical Fitness vs. Music Industry
1 What are these people running from? They're not, they're running to the world's toughest competition in town.
Tonight we have physical fitness experts against music industry workers.
Which team will be whistling a happy tune at the end of the day? We'll find out on MXZ, most extreme elimination challenge.
And now here our very own hard bodies Kenny Blankenship and Vick Romano.
VICK ROMANO: Welcome to MXC everybody.
We have got a great competition tonight, it's the music industry going up against the fitness industry.
The highly toned versus the highly tuned.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah, hot sweaty chicks wearing thongs.
VICK ROMANO: Kenny it's not just women, I mean men enjoy exercise as well.
I mean I myself enjoy a Pilates or spinning class.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: [LAUGHTER.]
Vick in a thong.
[LAUGHTER.]
VICK ROMANO: Wait a moment, it's called a [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
and lots of men wear them.
Let's go to Guy.
GUY LE DOUCHE: Thank you Victor and Kenneth.
Today we have a painfully emitted battle between two long time rivals, the health fanatics of America's fitness industry versus the burned out workers of the music business.
We begin today's competition with the turtle gut jet from those fun fiords we now play shaft grabbers, then we move onto the clear sphere of fear and finally finish with jerk and release.
Time to call the paramedics [LAUGHTER.]
.
Now to Captain Tennille.
CAPTAIN TENNEAL: Thanks Guy.
Now how many of you believe that being overweight or morbidly obese is caused by a genetic predisposition? Show of hands.
[GROUP CHEERING.]
CAPTAIN TENNEAL: Well you're wrong.
They're fat, lazy slobs who won't take responsibility for themselves.
Now look at this guy, you in the front row, you look fit and healthy, say something.
MALE 1: Yeah but I like my women big.
CAPTAIN TENNEAL: I could rock on a back porch all day too.
Hey speaking of big girls, look who we have here.
FEMALE 1: Uh, yeah, it's true we're not very active.
But that's on purpose because we heard men in the music industry like women with big booties like ours, you know, the kind of bootie you stuff into a pair of jeans but it spills over the top.
MALE 1: Wow.
You are a tease.
CAPTAIN TENNEAL: Hey I could get behind that.
Mm, hmm [LAUGHTER.]
.
Let's go.
VICK ROMANO: And they're off.
And our first challenge today is the turtle gut jet.
Based on the beloved bed time story the princess and the cleaver, the enchanting tale of a strapping young [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
who with the help of magical sleeping sea turtles travels to the tiny kingdom of Gazebo and rescues the royal conjoined virgin twins who were forcible separated by Rusty and Crusty unlicensed pirate surgeons.
CAPTAIN TENNEAL: Get it on.
WILFRED: Exercise.
VICK ROMANO: Okay starting things off for the fitness freaks, that's Wilfred Drake from Canton, Ohio.
He's an assistant towel boy at the Sweaty Rocks, a sauna café for men and he is down.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Oh it looks like he doesn't like being caught from behind.
VICK ROMANO: Who does Ken? Next up that's Curtis Bowman, he's a rap lyricist specializing in rhyming the words ending in I-G-G-A.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Wow I can't think of any.
VICK ROMANO: That's why Curtis has received the golden blade 16 times.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Oh he takes a knee at turtle nine.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken and here comes Crusty, he is right on his tail.
Coming up - - oh and there he gets a piece.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Hey look he's wearing an antennae, I think he's radio control.
DWAYNE: I have no life.
VICK ROMANO: Here he is, Dwayne Dwyer, he's not really into fitness, he just likes to hand out water at marathons.
There he goes.
Whoa, looks like he had some kind of seizure there, Ken.
And there goes Rusty right over the top.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: It was a nice move, he ducked.
VICK ROMANO: Absolutely, well maybe it was deliberate.
Let's see what he does here and there's Dwayne.
Oh and he spazzes into the water but don't worry his day's not over.
GUY LE DOUCHE: [LAUGHTER.]
What do you want to ask her? DWAYNE: Will you marry me? GUY: Well will you marry him? DWAYNE'S GIRL: No, why would I? He lost.
DWAYNE: Huh? GUY LE DOUCHE: Can't you think of anything nice to say, hmm? DWAYNE'S GIRL: Did you get any gift? JUDY: I can't swim.
VICK ROMANO: Well that could have went better.
And next up this is Judy Costello.
She's a vocal coach for boy bands, she gives them the unique harmonies and choreography that they're all known for and she's on her back.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: And no doubt a position she's used to, huh? Only a matter of time now.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken, there she's back up and let's see what she oh and there we all recognize that, that's the move she made famous in the restroom boys hit video I wanna lift the seat for you.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Hey I got the CD in my Jetta.
VICK ROMANO: Good for you Ken.
Oh and you can see there Crusty's having trouble and the reason is it's because those turtles secret a natural gel lubricant and it looks like Judy has got caught, she's slobbered out of that soft shell goo and Crusty's able to drag her into the water.
What a shame.
[ MUSIC .]
Let's take a look at in our MXC impact replay.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Well take a look right here.
The problem started at turtle five, she slipped in the goo, and she continues to have trouble on turtle six and she probably won't make it to turtle seven.
Oh - - oh look she's huggin' the turtle, she's a turtle hugger.
ROBBY: Stiffy's my boy.
VICK ROMANO: Here's Robby Lindon, he's a fitness surrogate.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah for a fee he'll lose your weight for you.
VICK ROMANO: Over the course of his career he's lost 17 metric tons and he is losing Crusty right now, he's across turtle ten, 11, and there he is into the pagoda of the conjoined virgins.
Let's take another look.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Hey I know those girls, they're not virgins.
VICK ROMANO: No, but they play virgins on MXC Ken.
And we can see there Robby puts the fitness folks up one zero.
JONATHAN: Thank you burn.
VICK ROMANO: And here's Jonathan Carpenter, he markets a series of work out videos for death row inmates called dead men spinning.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Now he's dead man drowning.
BILL: I'm a maniac.
VICK ROMANO: And here's Bill the shell, he's a headphone sanitizer at Megastore music centers.
Oh and he's in trouble right away.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Ooh nice move.
VICK ROMANO: Very nice move.
And it looks like he's heading back to the start there, Ken.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah why is he movin' his legs like that? VICK ROMANO: Because he's a maniac, Ken.
A maniac.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: On the floor.
And now he's runnin' like no one else has done before.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are but he's down again and there he's back up.
And he's almost down.
Uh oh, where's there's some slippery turtle bellies and oh - - didn't do a lot of good that time Ken.
TOMMY: Death to disco.
VICK ROMANO: And here's the last chance for the music team.
That's Tommy Norman, the bad boy of easy listening radio.
And there he goes he's scooting across, it looks like he could do it and oh - - to the last turtle and into the water.
And that concludes our first round.
And Robby Lindon has put the fitness freaks in good shape with a one, nothing lead.
ANNOUNCER: [ MUSIC .]
Coming up it's driver's ed or dead, MXC style.
Look out.
[ MUSIC .]
MXC is back with more fitness freaks and music geeks.
VICK ROMANO: And we are back.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yep.
VICK ROMANO: Kenny let's talk about our MXC challenges.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: All right.
VICK ROMANO: You know people are always saying how much they love 'em.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah the toughest games in reality sports.
VICK ROMANO: Now I understand that you've got some ideas for some new ones coming up? KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah first of all I'd like to give props to my research posse.
[ MUSIC .]
Yeah we spent hours developing these games.
VICK ROMANO: Oh let's take a look.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: And the first game, I call it beaver shots.
Yeah see the object is you fling balls at a giant beaver.
VICK ROMANO: Now who wouldn't wanna do that Ken? KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah the next one, you know how people like to walk on coals 'cause they're stupid? I thought it would be cool if you biked over coals.
I call it lava biking.
VICK ROMANO: How did that turn out Ken? KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Tenth degree burns.
VICK ROMANO: Well done.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah this is a good one.
It's a game where you stop the bronco with your head.
I call it head stop, you know, like head start, head stop.
VICK ROMANO: Got it, got it.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: It's not as easy as it looks.
VICK ROMANO: I bet it's not Ken.
Ah now this one looks interesting.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah this is a great one.
I call it big swingin' knockers.
I got the idea from watching women's volleyball.
VICK ROMANO: Ah, yes I think I see what you mean.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: See huh? They're swingin', they're big.
VICK ROMANO: And what have we got here? KENNY: Now this one's called name that stain.
I'm covered in jelly and Kool-Aid, mustard and then some stuff that squirted out of me when I hit the wall.
VICK ROMANO: I see, I see.
Oh what happened to your face? KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Oh I split my lip.
This next one I call Indian leg wrestling with horses.
VICK ROMANO: I see.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: This guy tore his sack and quit, though, what a whuss.
VICK ROMANO: Well Ken, some people just aren't cut out for reality sports.
MALE 2: Oh, you're separating the twins.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: And this one's called trouser snake.
The object's to chase that chick from PETA, surround her, then squeeze the life out of her [LAUGHTER.]
.
It's pretty cool, huh? Oh this game rules, it's called bored to death.
VICK ROMANO: It's promising.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Wait just like look - - look - - look.
Hey-hey, wait, wait - - wait, wait, wait, look, look again.
VICK ROMANO: Okay.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Keep lookin'.
VICK ROMANO: All right, all right.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: All right wait.
Right here - - we did it twice and that's the game.
VICK ROMANO: Well what's the object Ken? KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Who needs an object when a game's that cool? And this one I call road kill.
It was a really great elimination game until some idiot puts a ramp right in the middle.
VICK ROMANO: Oh I see yeah.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: We tried it again without the ramp but we can't show you that footage until the case is settled.
VICK ROMANO: Was that my car? KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Uh, let's go to Guy.
GUY LE DOUCHE: Once again Victor and Kenneth, our next game is shaft grabbers.
The object is to rush the other teams erect shaft, mount it and grab their flag.
Is it easy to grab the shaft? No it's coated with Guy's personal lubricant, the team will be playing against our MXC boys.
Two flags wins the round, skipper? CAPTAIN TENNEAL: Get it on.
VICK ROMANO: And the captain gives a single and there's the starting explosives and we are off.
The music industry team sends half of its players over.
The other half is holding up its shaft and flag.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Well those are the holders Vick and the ones going after the flag are called the flaggots.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken and it looks like the flaggots are making a good showing.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: They really know how to ride the pole.
VICK ROMANO: Indeed we do and we have a winner.
And the music biz takes a one nothin' lead.
Let's see how the fitness crowd does on their turn.
There we go, both teams lined up, the captain gives a signal.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: And the flag gets char jarred.
VICK ROMANO: Oh but look at the MXC staff, they're making a big move and they make quick work of the music guy's shaft and the game is theirs Ken.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: That's right Vick.
If the music men win the next turn the game is over.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken.
You can see the MX staffers really rubbin' it in.
Okay they're right up and there's the signal and there they go.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Oh nice grab at the pole here Vick.
VICK ROMANO: Right there you see Bet Clapton, a roadie for an air guitar band leading the charts for the musicians.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Nothin' like seeing a group of guys that really know how to work a pole, huh? VICK ROMANO: I tell you Ken their team work is really impressive.
And there goes Bet making his move up the shaft.
And here comes the pole and right there preschool music teacher Jeff Coulter and the music men have won the game Ken.
Impressive that is Coulter and as the rest of his musical chumps to their flaggoty victory dance, let's go to the MXC impact replay.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: [ MUSIC .]
And our replay is our staff flaggots who go horizontal and sacrifice their bodies and reputations for the love of the game.
But to no avail, shaft grabbing at it's best.
VICK ROMANO: And here it is Ken.
Hey thanks to the pole mongering flag jerkers of the music industry, their team has tied the game up as we head into round three.
ANNOUNCER: [ MUSIC .]
Comin' up on MXC, our battle stop, drop and roll.
Love it.
[ MUSIC .]
The mud slinging continues on MXC with our battle of music versus muscle.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Welcome back, we got a great competition.
Hey Vick what gives? VICK ROMANO: Well Kenny in all my years of broadcasting I've never been so touched by a network's generosity.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Well hey what - - what's this? VICK ROMANO: Well to show their appreciation the good folks at our network sent over this congratulatory box of sweets.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: But most network cheapos would never have done this, but the first ever for men knows what guys like to eat.
VICK ROMANO: Mm, that's tasty, that's manly chocolate Ken.
Mm, it's good [OVERLAP.]
.
Well look at this, stool softener.
And it's time to play the clear sphere of fear.
Contestants ride inside a plastic bubble and navigate through a series of obstacles to reach the gold at the bottom and avoid the scolds of doom.
But the real challenge is to make it to the end before the automatically sealed capsule runs out of air.
And starting things off for the fitness crew is Randy Bootlacer.
He's a fencing instructor for hemophiliacs.
For all good games Ken this was born out of tragedy.
When young Spunky Spunkerman, the boy in the plastic bubble on his way to a surprise party, when the flatbed truck he was tethered to hit a bump and catapulted little Spunky's orb of life into oncoming traffic.
And there Randy's into the scolds of doom.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Poor Spunk.
VICK ROMANO: Come on Ken, toughen up, there's no crying in reality sports.
And you can see here there's Randy as he gets hooked up on pegs A19 and A22.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: It looks like he's trying to guide his ball Vick.
VICK ROMANO: Right he's using a very subtle shift of body weight by clenching and unclenching his buttocks.
Ah but as you can see it was to no avail.
And we move onto our first music dude, it's Tyrell Youngblood.
Ty sells pirated dance remixes of eastern European polka tunes.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Polka rocks.
Good action over the pegs.
VICK ROMANO: Right, uh, it looks like he got pegged a little there.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Ooh, I think he's favoring his left cheek way too much and it puts him into the scolds of doom.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken.
And here comes Bud White, he's creator of the all new make it yourself sports drink, Urinade.
For the athlete on the go that needs to get going.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: I haven't tried Urinade, have you Vick? VICK ROMANO: Actually Ken I can't.
Unfortunately my catheter filters out most of the nutrients and oh we have got a gutter ball.
And Bud is flushed.
And here's Edgar Ivorykeys, he's a piano wire supplier with a booming side business with mafia hit men.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Nice job of avoiding those pointy things.
VICK ROMANO: Coming down.
And there he goes - - into the scolds of doom, what a shame.
Next up Stella Goss, she sells steroid laced fruit juice to young soccer players inspired to go for it.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah my favorites the anabolic apple and testosteroney.
VICK ROMANO: Mm, tasty stuff Ken and good for you.
But unfortunately not good for Stella, let's take another look.
Unfortunately Ken, Stella's a mother of two and women who've experienced natural childbirth are at a disadvantage in this game.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Why is that? VICK ROMANO: Well it's the extra body weight, the pelvic displacement makes for a lower center of gravity.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: In other words her butt's too big? VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken.
But a good effort none the less.
And here's Sharon Stanton, she's a reed licker for a geriatric marching band called the old body wood.
And there she goes Ken, starts off first and there was something we haven't seen, she's careening back across course.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Looks like she guzzled her Urinade.
VICK ROMANO: I think you're right Ken and she makes it past the scolds of doom.
Let's go now to hear what our winner has to say.
CAPTAIN TENNEAL: Nicely done, you won, tell me about the victory, hmm? SHARON: Oh it was really easy for me because when I was young my parents always kept me locked in a suitcase.
VICK ROMANO: And here's Will the Cyclops Weller.
He's a perform model for fitness magazines.
He's the last competitor, we'll see if he can tie things up.
Got a mike inside his ball, let's listen in.
WILL: [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
Somebody help me with this, get me out of here.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: [LAUGHTER.]
I think he's making some Urinade in there.
WILL: I can't take it any more, [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
.
VICK ROMANO: And let's see if he can make it and he - - no, and that's our MXC impact replay.
You can see right here he catches some good air but it's not good enough.
And the music biz takes another one.
Now leading two to one.
ANNOUNCER: [ MUSIC .]
Up next on MXC, stretch your imagination as they swoop, get through and try to score [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
.
[ MUSIC .]
MXC's blood bath between the song men and the strongmen wages on.
CHEERLEADERS: Hey Vick and Kenny, on M MXC, yeah MXC.
VICK ROMANO: Now we're back to MXC on the first network for men.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: [LAUGHTER.]
Dismount.
VICK ROMANO: Let's go to jerk and release.
Now in this game the players firmly grab their chain and yank it just at the right moment enabling them to grab their ball and shoot it into the hole.
GUY LE DOUCHE: [WHISTLE.]
Get it on.
VICK ROMANO: Here's music man Harold Hill, conducts a barber shop quartet for hairless men.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah they're the ones who sang sweet out of lies.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken and he's gonna be singing a different tune.
But don't worry that's Doctor Bill, he's our MXC mood enhancers and he's out there to cheer him up.
And let's go to our MXC impact replay.
You can see here Ken, nice jerk but no release.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: That's always frustrating.
VICK ROMANO: And first for the fitness folks it's Craig Jenny, adventure of slim trims.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: They're meat strips made from pork drippings.
VICK ROMANO: Right does a great job of [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
pick up but he [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
the underhand lob.
Don't worry Doctor Bill's gonna make everything all right.
JOANNE: Keeping it real.
VICK ROMANO: And next up, this is Joanne Harding.
Joanne's a groupie for a music file sharing server called spazz-on.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Looks like she had a little trouble with her download there.
VICK ROMANO: Indeed she did.
Don't worry Doctor Bill's gonna help her get her files in order.
Let's take another look on the replay Ken.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: And right there Vick, she jerked too late.
VICK ROMANO: I don't even know if that was much of a jerk Ken.
That was more like a yank or a half hearted tug.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: A lot of girls don't like jerking.
VICK ROMANO: Yeah right you are, their arms get tired.
Still no scores.
JACK: Back off fatties.
VICK ROMANO: Here's Jack Barland, author of Win with Jim, a fitness guide for alcoholics.
Oh he worked way too soon.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Classic case of premature deceleration.
VICK ROMANO: Let's take another look.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: You see right there, he's forced to use his left hand, most guys aren't real good at that.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken.
And here's Philippe Marenge, he's a great promoter for underground mariachi bands.
He's got the ball - - good shot, okay he makes it.
Philippe has given the music crew the early edge.
And here's Stanley Bear, inventor of the mic master, the only work out for multiple amputees.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: He looks a little light on his sneakers there.
VICK ROMANO: Oh he's way too wide on the release as he bounces completely over the ball, don't worry Doctor Bill is gonna console him.
JUSTIN: Let's go.
VICK ROMANO: Here's Justin Jason, former boy band member and now spokesman for power down malt liquor, for the drinker who can't waste time on a slow buzz.
And it looks like what is goin' on there? Looks like he might have been sampling some of his own product, Ken.
MELANIE: Smell my feet, they're really neat, yeah.
VICK ROMANO: Here's Melanie Meanie, inventor of the high heeled running shoe called street pokers.
For prostitutes who like to stay in shape.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Ooh, not in good shape right there.
VICK ROMANO: You think she'd be better grabbing balls.
GUY LE DOUCHE: So do you want to say something to our audience? MELANIE: Yeah I'm a dirty, dirty girl.
Call me.
GUY LE DOUCHE: Oh, ho-ho.
VICK ROMANO: Indeed she is Ken, but thanks to Philippe Marenge [ MUSIC .]
the music men and women have won this round and the entire competition three to one.
So Ken a great way to kick off our debut on the first network for men.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Only one manly thing missing Vick.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken, it's time for Kenny Blankenship's painful eliminations of the day.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: And kicking things off, number ten has to go to my upcoming game name that stain.
Talk about a brush with death.
And number nine goes to towel boy Wilfred Drake who gets it right in the butt from one of the lusty pirates.
Oh he should have thrown in the towel from the get go.
Jumping to number eight, here's the pithy Kelner Westpipe who comes flying in, jerks and realeases and tries to grab the ball with his mouth.
Oh that's nasty.
And number seven, looks like a posse of Iraqi homeboys taking down the head of that Saddam dude but it's actually my team of game testers who rode the bowl and came out on top.
And number six, Jack Barland who's a fitness instructor for alcoholics.
Here he falls off the wagon head first right into the MXC hall of fame.
And number five, we're back to turtle Dutch chuck, here's Jonathan Carpenter, bottom sides those turtles and takes a slippy, drippy, one legged ass smasher into the drink.
And number four, it's Cyclops Weller who plays human pinball.
Look at that air, this game is way over the top.
Coming in at number three it's the game we called bored to death, hey it may look like lots of fun but ask this dude, he'll tell you it hurts a little.
Keep smilin' you mud muncher.
Working our way to number two and I have to give myself props for havin' the balls and brains to come up with a future Olympic stop head stop.
Yippy yai oh kai a.
And my most painful elimination of the day goes to - - our former game tester Johnny Schumacher who had to have some balls to try this.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well he did before he tried it, oh by the way no horses were hurt during the making of this game.
But the dude was a human wishbone.
JOHNNY: Oh you're separating the twins.
VICK ROMANO: Well that was somethin'.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: You missed the best part, the horses started to run around in a circle.
VICK ROMANO: Right, right, right.
Kenny that's all well and good but, uh, we need to remind the folks at home never to try any of this stuff you see on MXC at home, you might get injured, okay? KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah - - yeah whatever, what do we always say? GROUP: Don't get eliminated.
[GROUP CHEERING.]
Tonight we have physical fitness experts against music industry workers.
Which team will be whistling a happy tune at the end of the day? We'll find out on MXZ, most extreme elimination challenge.
And now here our very own hard bodies Kenny Blankenship and Vick Romano.
VICK ROMANO: Welcome to MXC everybody.
We have got a great competition tonight, it's the music industry going up against the fitness industry.
The highly toned versus the highly tuned.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah, hot sweaty chicks wearing thongs.
VICK ROMANO: Kenny it's not just women, I mean men enjoy exercise as well.
I mean I myself enjoy a Pilates or spinning class.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: [LAUGHTER.]
Vick in a thong.
[LAUGHTER.]
VICK ROMANO: Wait a moment, it's called a [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
and lots of men wear them.
Let's go to Guy.
GUY LE DOUCHE: Thank you Victor and Kenneth.
Today we have a painfully emitted battle between two long time rivals, the health fanatics of America's fitness industry versus the burned out workers of the music business.
We begin today's competition with the turtle gut jet from those fun fiords we now play shaft grabbers, then we move onto the clear sphere of fear and finally finish with jerk and release.
Time to call the paramedics [LAUGHTER.]
.
Now to Captain Tennille.
CAPTAIN TENNEAL: Thanks Guy.
Now how many of you believe that being overweight or morbidly obese is caused by a genetic predisposition? Show of hands.
[GROUP CHEERING.]
CAPTAIN TENNEAL: Well you're wrong.
They're fat, lazy slobs who won't take responsibility for themselves.
Now look at this guy, you in the front row, you look fit and healthy, say something.
MALE 1: Yeah but I like my women big.
CAPTAIN TENNEAL: I could rock on a back porch all day too.
Hey speaking of big girls, look who we have here.
FEMALE 1: Uh, yeah, it's true we're not very active.
But that's on purpose because we heard men in the music industry like women with big booties like ours, you know, the kind of bootie you stuff into a pair of jeans but it spills over the top.
MALE 1: Wow.
You are a tease.
CAPTAIN TENNEAL: Hey I could get behind that.
Mm, hmm [LAUGHTER.]
.
Let's go.
VICK ROMANO: And they're off.
And our first challenge today is the turtle gut jet.
Based on the beloved bed time story the princess and the cleaver, the enchanting tale of a strapping young [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
who with the help of magical sleeping sea turtles travels to the tiny kingdom of Gazebo and rescues the royal conjoined virgin twins who were forcible separated by Rusty and Crusty unlicensed pirate surgeons.
CAPTAIN TENNEAL: Get it on.
WILFRED: Exercise.
VICK ROMANO: Okay starting things off for the fitness freaks, that's Wilfred Drake from Canton, Ohio.
He's an assistant towel boy at the Sweaty Rocks, a sauna café for men and he is down.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Oh it looks like he doesn't like being caught from behind.
VICK ROMANO: Who does Ken? Next up that's Curtis Bowman, he's a rap lyricist specializing in rhyming the words ending in I-G-G-A.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Wow I can't think of any.
VICK ROMANO: That's why Curtis has received the golden blade 16 times.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Oh he takes a knee at turtle nine.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken and here comes Crusty, he is right on his tail.
Coming up - - oh and there he gets a piece.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Hey look he's wearing an antennae, I think he's radio control.
DWAYNE: I have no life.
VICK ROMANO: Here he is, Dwayne Dwyer, he's not really into fitness, he just likes to hand out water at marathons.
There he goes.
Whoa, looks like he had some kind of seizure there, Ken.
And there goes Rusty right over the top.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: It was a nice move, he ducked.
VICK ROMANO: Absolutely, well maybe it was deliberate.
Let's see what he does here and there's Dwayne.
Oh and he spazzes into the water but don't worry his day's not over.
GUY LE DOUCHE: [LAUGHTER.]
What do you want to ask her? DWAYNE: Will you marry me? GUY: Well will you marry him? DWAYNE'S GIRL: No, why would I? He lost.
DWAYNE: Huh? GUY LE DOUCHE: Can't you think of anything nice to say, hmm? DWAYNE'S GIRL: Did you get any gift? JUDY: I can't swim.
VICK ROMANO: Well that could have went better.
And next up this is Judy Costello.
She's a vocal coach for boy bands, she gives them the unique harmonies and choreography that they're all known for and she's on her back.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: And no doubt a position she's used to, huh? Only a matter of time now.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken, there she's back up and let's see what she oh and there we all recognize that, that's the move she made famous in the restroom boys hit video I wanna lift the seat for you.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Hey I got the CD in my Jetta.
VICK ROMANO: Good for you Ken.
Oh and you can see there Crusty's having trouble and the reason is it's because those turtles secret a natural gel lubricant and it looks like Judy has got caught, she's slobbered out of that soft shell goo and Crusty's able to drag her into the water.
What a shame.
[ MUSIC .]
Let's take a look at in our MXC impact replay.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Well take a look right here.
The problem started at turtle five, she slipped in the goo, and she continues to have trouble on turtle six and she probably won't make it to turtle seven.
Oh - - oh look she's huggin' the turtle, she's a turtle hugger.
ROBBY: Stiffy's my boy.
VICK ROMANO: Here's Robby Lindon, he's a fitness surrogate.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah for a fee he'll lose your weight for you.
VICK ROMANO: Over the course of his career he's lost 17 metric tons and he is losing Crusty right now, he's across turtle ten, 11, and there he is into the pagoda of the conjoined virgins.
Let's take another look.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Hey I know those girls, they're not virgins.
VICK ROMANO: No, but they play virgins on MXC Ken.
And we can see there Robby puts the fitness folks up one zero.
JONATHAN: Thank you burn.
VICK ROMANO: And here's Jonathan Carpenter, he markets a series of work out videos for death row inmates called dead men spinning.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Now he's dead man drowning.
BILL: I'm a maniac.
VICK ROMANO: And here's Bill the shell, he's a headphone sanitizer at Megastore music centers.
Oh and he's in trouble right away.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Ooh nice move.
VICK ROMANO: Very nice move.
And it looks like he's heading back to the start there, Ken.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah why is he movin' his legs like that? VICK ROMANO: Because he's a maniac, Ken.
A maniac.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: On the floor.
And now he's runnin' like no one else has done before.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are but he's down again and there he's back up.
And he's almost down.
Uh oh, where's there's some slippery turtle bellies and oh - - didn't do a lot of good that time Ken.
TOMMY: Death to disco.
VICK ROMANO: And here's the last chance for the music team.
That's Tommy Norman, the bad boy of easy listening radio.
And there he goes he's scooting across, it looks like he could do it and oh - - to the last turtle and into the water.
And that concludes our first round.
And Robby Lindon has put the fitness freaks in good shape with a one, nothing lead.
ANNOUNCER: [ MUSIC .]
Coming up it's driver's ed or dead, MXC style.
Look out.
[ MUSIC .]
MXC is back with more fitness freaks and music geeks.
VICK ROMANO: And we are back.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yep.
VICK ROMANO: Kenny let's talk about our MXC challenges.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: All right.
VICK ROMANO: You know people are always saying how much they love 'em.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah the toughest games in reality sports.
VICK ROMANO: Now I understand that you've got some ideas for some new ones coming up? KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah first of all I'd like to give props to my research posse.
[ MUSIC .]
Yeah we spent hours developing these games.
VICK ROMANO: Oh let's take a look.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: And the first game, I call it beaver shots.
Yeah see the object is you fling balls at a giant beaver.
VICK ROMANO: Now who wouldn't wanna do that Ken? KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah the next one, you know how people like to walk on coals 'cause they're stupid? I thought it would be cool if you biked over coals.
I call it lava biking.
VICK ROMANO: How did that turn out Ken? KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Tenth degree burns.
VICK ROMANO: Well done.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah this is a good one.
It's a game where you stop the bronco with your head.
I call it head stop, you know, like head start, head stop.
VICK ROMANO: Got it, got it.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: It's not as easy as it looks.
VICK ROMANO: I bet it's not Ken.
Ah now this one looks interesting.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah this is a great one.
I call it big swingin' knockers.
I got the idea from watching women's volleyball.
VICK ROMANO: Ah, yes I think I see what you mean.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: See huh? They're swingin', they're big.
VICK ROMANO: And what have we got here? KENNY: Now this one's called name that stain.
I'm covered in jelly and Kool-Aid, mustard and then some stuff that squirted out of me when I hit the wall.
VICK ROMANO: I see, I see.
Oh what happened to your face? KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Oh I split my lip.
This next one I call Indian leg wrestling with horses.
VICK ROMANO: I see.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: This guy tore his sack and quit, though, what a whuss.
VICK ROMANO: Well Ken, some people just aren't cut out for reality sports.
MALE 2: Oh, you're separating the twins.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: And this one's called trouser snake.
The object's to chase that chick from PETA, surround her, then squeeze the life out of her [LAUGHTER.]
.
It's pretty cool, huh? Oh this game rules, it's called bored to death.
VICK ROMANO: It's promising.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Wait just like look - - look - - look.
Hey-hey, wait, wait - - wait, wait, wait, look, look again.
VICK ROMANO: Okay.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Keep lookin'.
VICK ROMANO: All right, all right.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: All right wait.
Right here - - we did it twice and that's the game.
VICK ROMANO: Well what's the object Ken? KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Who needs an object when a game's that cool? And this one I call road kill.
It was a really great elimination game until some idiot puts a ramp right in the middle.
VICK ROMANO: Oh I see yeah.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: We tried it again without the ramp but we can't show you that footage until the case is settled.
VICK ROMANO: Was that my car? KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Uh, let's go to Guy.
GUY LE DOUCHE: Once again Victor and Kenneth, our next game is shaft grabbers.
The object is to rush the other teams erect shaft, mount it and grab their flag.
Is it easy to grab the shaft? No it's coated with Guy's personal lubricant, the team will be playing against our MXC boys.
Two flags wins the round, skipper? CAPTAIN TENNEAL: Get it on.
VICK ROMANO: And the captain gives a single and there's the starting explosives and we are off.
The music industry team sends half of its players over.
The other half is holding up its shaft and flag.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Well those are the holders Vick and the ones going after the flag are called the flaggots.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken and it looks like the flaggots are making a good showing.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: They really know how to ride the pole.
VICK ROMANO: Indeed we do and we have a winner.
And the music biz takes a one nothin' lead.
Let's see how the fitness crowd does on their turn.
There we go, both teams lined up, the captain gives a signal.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: And the flag gets char jarred.
VICK ROMANO: Oh but look at the MXC staff, they're making a big move and they make quick work of the music guy's shaft and the game is theirs Ken.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: That's right Vick.
If the music men win the next turn the game is over.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken.
You can see the MX staffers really rubbin' it in.
Okay they're right up and there's the signal and there they go.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Oh nice grab at the pole here Vick.
VICK ROMANO: Right there you see Bet Clapton, a roadie for an air guitar band leading the charts for the musicians.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Nothin' like seeing a group of guys that really know how to work a pole, huh? VICK ROMANO: I tell you Ken their team work is really impressive.
And there goes Bet making his move up the shaft.
And here comes the pole and right there preschool music teacher Jeff Coulter and the music men have won the game Ken.
Impressive that is Coulter and as the rest of his musical chumps to their flaggoty victory dance, let's go to the MXC impact replay.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: [ MUSIC .]
And our replay is our staff flaggots who go horizontal and sacrifice their bodies and reputations for the love of the game.
But to no avail, shaft grabbing at it's best.
VICK ROMANO: And here it is Ken.
Hey thanks to the pole mongering flag jerkers of the music industry, their team has tied the game up as we head into round three.
ANNOUNCER: [ MUSIC .]
Comin' up on MXC, our battle stop, drop and roll.
Love it.
[ MUSIC .]
The mud slinging continues on MXC with our battle of music versus muscle.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Welcome back, we got a great competition.
Hey Vick what gives? VICK ROMANO: Well Kenny in all my years of broadcasting I've never been so touched by a network's generosity.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Well hey what - - what's this? VICK ROMANO: Well to show their appreciation the good folks at our network sent over this congratulatory box of sweets.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: But most network cheapos would never have done this, but the first ever for men knows what guys like to eat.
VICK ROMANO: Mm, that's tasty, that's manly chocolate Ken.
Mm, it's good [OVERLAP.]
.
Well look at this, stool softener.
And it's time to play the clear sphere of fear.
Contestants ride inside a plastic bubble and navigate through a series of obstacles to reach the gold at the bottom and avoid the scolds of doom.
But the real challenge is to make it to the end before the automatically sealed capsule runs out of air.
And starting things off for the fitness crew is Randy Bootlacer.
He's a fencing instructor for hemophiliacs.
For all good games Ken this was born out of tragedy.
When young Spunky Spunkerman, the boy in the plastic bubble on his way to a surprise party, when the flatbed truck he was tethered to hit a bump and catapulted little Spunky's orb of life into oncoming traffic.
And there Randy's into the scolds of doom.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Poor Spunk.
VICK ROMANO: Come on Ken, toughen up, there's no crying in reality sports.
And you can see here there's Randy as he gets hooked up on pegs A19 and A22.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: It looks like he's trying to guide his ball Vick.
VICK ROMANO: Right he's using a very subtle shift of body weight by clenching and unclenching his buttocks.
Ah but as you can see it was to no avail.
And we move onto our first music dude, it's Tyrell Youngblood.
Ty sells pirated dance remixes of eastern European polka tunes.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Polka rocks.
Good action over the pegs.
VICK ROMANO: Right, uh, it looks like he got pegged a little there.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Ooh, I think he's favoring his left cheek way too much and it puts him into the scolds of doom.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken.
And here comes Bud White, he's creator of the all new make it yourself sports drink, Urinade.
For the athlete on the go that needs to get going.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: I haven't tried Urinade, have you Vick? VICK ROMANO: Actually Ken I can't.
Unfortunately my catheter filters out most of the nutrients and oh we have got a gutter ball.
And Bud is flushed.
And here's Edgar Ivorykeys, he's a piano wire supplier with a booming side business with mafia hit men.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Nice job of avoiding those pointy things.
VICK ROMANO: Coming down.
And there he goes - - into the scolds of doom, what a shame.
Next up Stella Goss, she sells steroid laced fruit juice to young soccer players inspired to go for it.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah my favorites the anabolic apple and testosteroney.
VICK ROMANO: Mm, tasty stuff Ken and good for you.
But unfortunately not good for Stella, let's take another look.
Unfortunately Ken, Stella's a mother of two and women who've experienced natural childbirth are at a disadvantage in this game.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Why is that? VICK ROMANO: Well it's the extra body weight, the pelvic displacement makes for a lower center of gravity.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: In other words her butt's too big? VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken.
But a good effort none the less.
And here's Sharon Stanton, she's a reed licker for a geriatric marching band called the old body wood.
And there she goes Ken, starts off first and there was something we haven't seen, she's careening back across course.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Looks like she guzzled her Urinade.
VICK ROMANO: I think you're right Ken and she makes it past the scolds of doom.
Let's go now to hear what our winner has to say.
CAPTAIN TENNEAL: Nicely done, you won, tell me about the victory, hmm? SHARON: Oh it was really easy for me because when I was young my parents always kept me locked in a suitcase.
VICK ROMANO: And here's Will the Cyclops Weller.
He's a perform model for fitness magazines.
He's the last competitor, we'll see if he can tie things up.
Got a mike inside his ball, let's listen in.
WILL: [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
Somebody help me with this, get me out of here.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: [LAUGHTER.]
I think he's making some Urinade in there.
WILL: I can't take it any more, [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
.
VICK ROMANO: And let's see if he can make it and he - - no, and that's our MXC impact replay.
You can see right here he catches some good air but it's not good enough.
And the music biz takes another one.
Now leading two to one.
ANNOUNCER: [ MUSIC .]
Up next on MXC, stretch your imagination as they swoop, get through and try to score [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
.
[ MUSIC .]
MXC's blood bath between the song men and the strongmen wages on.
CHEERLEADERS: Hey Vick and Kenny, on M MXC, yeah MXC.
VICK ROMANO: Now we're back to MXC on the first network for men.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: [LAUGHTER.]
Dismount.
VICK ROMANO: Let's go to jerk and release.
Now in this game the players firmly grab their chain and yank it just at the right moment enabling them to grab their ball and shoot it into the hole.
GUY LE DOUCHE: [WHISTLE.]
Get it on.
VICK ROMANO: Here's music man Harold Hill, conducts a barber shop quartet for hairless men.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah they're the ones who sang sweet out of lies.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken and he's gonna be singing a different tune.
But don't worry that's Doctor Bill, he's our MXC mood enhancers and he's out there to cheer him up.
And let's go to our MXC impact replay.
You can see here Ken, nice jerk but no release.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: That's always frustrating.
VICK ROMANO: And first for the fitness folks it's Craig Jenny, adventure of slim trims.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: They're meat strips made from pork drippings.
VICK ROMANO: Right does a great job of [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
pick up but he [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
the underhand lob.
Don't worry Doctor Bill's gonna make everything all right.
JOANNE: Keeping it real.
VICK ROMANO: And next up, this is Joanne Harding.
Joanne's a groupie for a music file sharing server called spazz-on.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Looks like she had a little trouble with her download there.
VICK ROMANO: Indeed she did.
Don't worry Doctor Bill's gonna help her get her files in order.
Let's take another look on the replay Ken.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: And right there Vick, she jerked too late.
VICK ROMANO: I don't even know if that was much of a jerk Ken.
That was more like a yank or a half hearted tug.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: A lot of girls don't like jerking.
VICK ROMANO: Yeah right you are, their arms get tired.
Still no scores.
JACK: Back off fatties.
VICK ROMANO: Here's Jack Barland, author of Win with Jim, a fitness guide for alcoholics.
Oh he worked way too soon.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Classic case of premature deceleration.
VICK ROMANO: Let's take another look.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: You see right there, he's forced to use his left hand, most guys aren't real good at that.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken.
And here's Philippe Marenge, he's a great promoter for underground mariachi bands.
He's got the ball - - good shot, okay he makes it.
Philippe has given the music crew the early edge.
And here's Stanley Bear, inventor of the mic master, the only work out for multiple amputees.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: He looks a little light on his sneakers there.
VICK ROMANO: Oh he's way too wide on the release as he bounces completely over the ball, don't worry Doctor Bill is gonna console him.
JUSTIN: Let's go.
VICK ROMANO: Here's Justin Jason, former boy band member and now spokesman for power down malt liquor, for the drinker who can't waste time on a slow buzz.
And it looks like what is goin' on there? Looks like he might have been sampling some of his own product, Ken.
MELANIE: Smell my feet, they're really neat, yeah.
VICK ROMANO: Here's Melanie Meanie, inventor of the high heeled running shoe called street pokers.
For prostitutes who like to stay in shape.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Ooh, not in good shape right there.
VICK ROMANO: You think she'd be better grabbing balls.
GUY LE DOUCHE: So do you want to say something to our audience? MELANIE: Yeah I'm a dirty, dirty girl.
Call me.
GUY LE DOUCHE: Oh, ho-ho.
VICK ROMANO: Indeed she is Ken, but thanks to Philippe Marenge [ MUSIC .]
the music men and women have won this round and the entire competition three to one.
So Ken a great way to kick off our debut on the first network for men.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Only one manly thing missing Vick.
VICK ROMANO: Right you are Ken, it's time for Kenny Blankenship's painful eliminations of the day.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: And kicking things off, number ten has to go to my upcoming game name that stain.
Talk about a brush with death.
And number nine goes to towel boy Wilfred Drake who gets it right in the butt from one of the lusty pirates.
Oh he should have thrown in the towel from the get go.
Jumping to number eight, here's the pithy Kelner Westpipe who comes flying in, jerks and realeases and tries to grab the ball with his mouth.
Oh that's nasty.
And number seven, looks like a posse of Iraqi homeboys taking down the head of that Saddam dude but it's actually my team of game testers who rode the bowl and came out on top.
And number six, Jack Barland who's a fitness instructor for alcoholics.
Here he falls off the wagon head first right into the MXC hall of fame.
And number five, we're back to turtle Dutch chuck, here's Jonathan Carpenter, bottom sides those turtles and takes a slippy, drippy, one legged ass smasher into the drink.
And number four, it's Cyclops Weller who plays human pinball.
Look at that air, this game is way over the top.
Coming in at number three it's the game we called bored to death, hey it may look like lots of fun but ask this dude, he'll tell you it hurts a little.
Keep smilin' you mud muncher.
Working our way to number two and I have to give myself props for havin' the balls and brains to come up with a future Olympic stop head stop.
Yippy yai oh kai a.
And my most painful elimination of the day goes to - - our former game tester Johnny Schumacher who had to have some balls to try this.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well he did before he tried it, oh by the way no horses were hurt during the making of this game.
But the dude was a human wishbone.
JOHNNY: Oh you're separating the twins.
VICK ROMANO: Well that was somethin'.
KENNY BLANKENSHIP: You missed the best part, the horses started to run around in a circle.
VICK ROMANO: Right, right, right.
Kenny that's all well and good but, uh, we need to remind the folks at home never to try any of this stuff you see on MXC at home, you might get injured, okay? KENNY BLANKENSHIP: Yeah - - yeah whatever, what do we always say? GROUP: Don't get eliminated.
[GROUP CHEERING.]