Mr. Iglesias (2019) s01e10 Episode Script
Academic Decathlon
1 Listen, tomorrow is the academic decathlon.
You boys ready to battle, mano a mano? Eh, más o menos.
I'm más, he's menos.
But Gabe just bet 50 bucks on his kids without even asking for odds.
Hey, man, American history is full of underdog stories.
That's right.
They said that Davy Crockett didn't stand a chance at the Alamo.
He died at the Alamo.
Oh, well I teach English.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Happy Decathlon Eve, everybody.
Yup, tomorrow is DÃa de los Muertos for Gabe's team.
- [ABBY.]
Oh! - That means "Day of the Dead" in Spanish.
Yeah, I know, Tony.
I'm not an idiot, I've seen Coco.
And I've got a spirit animal with all the answers, and her name is Marisol.
But that's Maris-all you got.
Hey, you see what I did there? Yeah, embarrass yourself? Yeah, I saw it.
Gabe, you've taken your kids on such a noble journey.
You've already won a moral victory.
Yeah, those aren't a lot of fun.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
"Hey, Skip, we're here in downtown Long Beach for this year's Moral Victory Parade.
As you can see, there's no one here 'cause those don't exist!" Gabe, my man Rakeem is so fired up for the decathlon tomorrow.
He'll dominate in long jump and high hurdles.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Uh, Coach? It's an academic decathlon.
What? [CHUCKLING.]
I don't even know what that is.
Our students answer questions on a variety of school subjects.
Oh, so sports for nerds.
- I got great news, gang.
- So great.
Turns out, the principal of Lakewood suddenly left to spend more time with his family.
You know what that means.
He loves his family? Sure, we'll go with that.
And I was just offered his job.
But you turned it down, right? Gabe, remember when Mo'Nique won the Academy Award for Precious? - Who? - For what? Exactly.
For some people, opportunities are few and far between.
But what about the opportunity you have here? You know they'll build you a statue if you green-light my flauta Fridays idea.
Gabe, as a wife, a mother, and educator, I have spent my entire life looking out for others.
- Feels pretty good, doesn't it? - Not particularly.
It's time to look out for me, and what I want is to be at an Elite 100 school.
You can't! We need you.
I need you.
Your wisdom, your guidance You taught me to use my bra as a purse.
Aww! Mine's more of a weekender bag.
We don't want you leaving for a weekend.
We don't want you leaving at all.
Relax, people.
The principal position here will be filled by a qualified person.
Some might even say more qualified.
[CHUCKLES.]
No one will say that, Carlos.
Sorry to disappoint everybody, but sometimes, this is what happens when you look out for yourself.
But giving ourselves what we want isn't always the right thing to do.
If it was, I'd be in a Jack in the Box drive-through right now.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias All right, you guys ready for tomorrow? Hells, yeah! You taught us everything about the history of our nation.
Yeah, and when Miss Mads subbed for you, she taught us everything about "Rhythm Nation.
" You know, I was so focused on the bad deeds of Andrew Jackson, I never made it to the Janet Jackson administration.
So, the white man is guilty of genocide, and they put his face on a $20 bill, but his sister has a nip slip, and now she working at Trader Joe's.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY, SIGHS.]
That's just what I read, you know? Okay, one [CHUCKLES.]
one last practice round.
Grace? Who breaks a tie in a Senate vote? Okay, uh, 100 senators, a fifty-fifty tie - Uh - [BLEATS.]
Goat: Greatest Of All Time, Tom Brady, MVP, VP.
Vice President! Whoo! That's a bit of a wobbly bicycle, but you made it.
All right, what was Eli Whitney famous for inventing? Walt? Oh, boy.
I should know this.
Hey, hey, you do know this.
Uh, do the Jedi mind trick, Marisol.
Oh, okay.
Walt [SIGHS.]
"Fo' shizzle my nizzle.
" - Mmm! - Oh Right.
Snoop Dogg, "Rollin' down the street, smokin' indo.
" "Gin and Juice.
" Cotton gin.
That's right.
Laid back.
[CHUCKLES.]
Great teamwork, Marisol.
Hey, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" for Marisol.
Hey, we still need a name for our team.
Uh, the other kids call us the drip tray.
Lorenzo, I think we could do much better than that, even though the drip tray is - where all the flavor collects.
- Hey, you know! How about the Academic De-latha-keets De-catheters.
Save the brainpower for the big dance, okay, Mikey? Well, the Three Musketeers' motto is "All for one and one for all.
" How about The Musketeers? Oh, I like it.
Written by Alexander Dumbass.
He actually pronounced it Doom-ah.
She's right.
I used to say it the same way as you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Until I got a call from a parent.
Hello, subordinates.
Why are you smiling like an idiot? Because with Paula decamping to Lakewood, I will be assuming full authority over this school.
Well, I know why you're smiling.
My question was, why are you smiling like an idiot? I'm not.
I'm smiling like your new boss.
Look at the new rules for next semester.
- Hey, y'all.
- [CHUCKLES.]
New faculty dress code: no shorts.
[LAUGHS.]
You're a monster.
A chupa-Carlos.
It's called professionalism, Mr.
Iglesias.
Hello, Mother.
Turns out you were wrong about me.
Relax, Gabe.
I'm sure Carlos will lighten up once he gets all the power.
Or I might have that backward.
Paula, you can't leave us.
You're my own private Oprah.
If you call me Oprah again, [IMITATING OPRAH.]
you're going to look under your chair and find a foot in your ass! Ha! Ahh! Oh, you even sound just like her! You know, I wish I loved anything as much as white women love Oprah.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Well, I don't need Oprah.
I already live with a strong black woman that tells me what to read.
Oh.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
So, Gabe, do you think your kids can keep it close tomorrow, or am I going to be MCing a blowout? Oh, is the Duchess of Lakewood gonna be gracing us with her presence? Okay, silly, that job does not start until after winter break.
Oh, but speaking of big opportunities, I heard Marisol Fuentes is going on the Stanford trip.
Yeah, I had to agree to go on a blind date with the Bingo caller from her mom's church.
Gabe, don't you think it's time for Marisol to be in the honors class? A decathlon win would look great on her transcript.
She might get it with me.
But even if she doesn't, Paula, she's gonna be just fine.
Oh.
Is "just fine" what you want for her? If I'd settled for "just fine," I'd still be traveling cross-country with my first husband, selling T-shirts after a Tracy Chapman concert.
You know, ain't no shame in moving merch.
Be honest, Gabe.
Do you want Marisol on your team because it's what's best for her, or because it's what's best for you? Paula, you can't do this to me.
I worked my butt off all year.
Don't I deserve a win? Mmm.
I just heard two "I"s, a "me," and a "my" come out of you.
That doesn't sound like Gabe, that sounds like Kanye.
You're right.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeezus.
[SIGHS.]
- Hey, Marisol.
- Hey.
You know what brilliant idea just occurred to me? A decathlon victory would look really good on your college applications.
Well, it's not out of the question.
All we need is Mikey to overcome his nerves, Lorenzo not to get the yips, and Walt to put his vape pen down.
Okay, it's a long shot.
Yeah.
But what if, and I mean, what if you were on the honors team instead of our team? What? I can't leave our team.
I'm the glue that holds it together.
Come on, let's be honest.
You're the glue, the staples, the paper, the answers Come on.
the office, the building, - the planet, the stars - Okay.
But, you wanna win as much as I do.
I know.
[CHUCKLES.]
And apparently, that's a bad thing.
You belong in the honors class with peers who will challenge you.
You don't think being on a team with Mikey is a challenge? He follows me around like a dog whose owner just came back from war.
Have you tried throwing a squeaky toy down the hall? Why are you doing this? Because I want what's best for you.
I know how hard you've worked for our team.
Isn't this decathlon important to you? It is, but not as important as you are to me.
Good morning, De-catheters.
How we feeling? Where's Marisol? You know she's never late.
Yeah, where is our team captain? Uh, that's a great question, Grace.
Uh Where is Marisol? Uh, it's a very interesting, kinda surprising turn of events.
Dude, just rip off the Band-Aid.
Marisol is an honor student, and she is now part of the honors team.
Now, where were we? What? Where were we? Where are we? We're doomed.
[STAMMERS.]
I hate to say this, but even my confidence is shaken.
And that never happens.
Look, look, nobody panic, okay? All we gotta do is clone Marisol.
Mikey, give me a piece of her hair.
I know you got one.
Look, Marisol was an important part of our team, but she's not our whole team, okay? You guys have put in the work, and you're gonna do a great job, with or without her.
This is impossible.
This is like the Blowfish without Hootie.
Nobody wants to see the Blowfish.
I miss Marisol.
You miss Marisol when she sharpens her pencil.
I sure do.
Okay, pencil sharpener is all the way over there.
But now, we can elect a new captain.
Lorenzo, what about you? Ha! Yeah, right.
That is a trap.
The last one vanished.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, look, man.
It's like we're on a game show.
Hey, wanna play some ghetto Family Feud? Oh, you mean, Family Feud? Okay.
[IMITATING STEVE HARVEY.]
Uh, Mr.
Ochoa, the top three answers is on the board.
Ways to not pay your electric bill.
[IMITATES BUZZER.]
Um Post-dated check, run an extension cord to your neighbors, put the bill in your baby's name.
[CHUCKLES.]
That is correct.
Uh, number one answer was, "Move out before they catch yo' ass.
" [CHUCKLES, IN NORMAL VOICE.]
This is cool.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! How about some ghetto Jeopardy? Okay, okay.
Okay, all right, here we go.
Uh-huh.
Time for the musical Daily Double.
Please complete this Cypress Hill lyric Okay.
"Who you trying to get crazy with, ese?" Oh! [IMITATES BUZZER.]
Uh, what is "Don't you know I'm loco?" - Correct.
- [LAUGHS.]
Hey, you see, bro? Look, no matter what happens, this decathlon is gonna be fun.
Are you still gonna have fun if I beat you? We got Marisol now, you're not gonna beat me.
[SIGHS.]
How is my girl? She fits right in with the honors kids.
- Hmm.
- She's motivated, she's smart.
Doesn't interrupt me while I'm busy reading the racing forum.
Bro, I know I did the right thing, so, uh, why doesn't it feel better? It never does.
That's why I never do it.
[PAULA SIGHS.]
My last academic decathlon at Wilson.
You know, my walk-out music needs to be dignified.
It should be befitting an Elite 100 administrator.
I'm thinking Ol' Dirty Bastard's "Baby, I Like It Raw.
" Well, nothing screams dignity like "Big Baby Jesus.
" Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
What you did with Marisol showed true leadership, Gabe.
She's gonna thank you when she graduates, from here and from Stanford.
I feel like I couldn't do what was best for Marisol and still take care of my other kids.
I just wish I could've seen my team at full strength, you know? Yeah, I wanna see my team at full strength too.
That's why I'm offering a leader like you a job at Lakewood.
How does head of history department sound? I don't know, Lakewood Lancer? Ooh.
Sounds fancy.
And lancy.
You did what was best for Marisol.
Now, you gotta do what's best for Gabe.
What's best for me is being where I can make the biggest difference.
You know how flight attendants tell parents to put their oxygen mask on first? - Mm-hmm.
- That's what you need to do.
Take care of Gabe, and you can make an even bigger difference for everyone else.
Well, the joke's on you, 'cause you already grabbed a parachute and jumped.
But this plane isn't going down.
Oh, really? Carlos is your new pilot.
[CHUCKLES.]
Mayday, Mayday! So, you ready to jump out that door into the safety of Lakewood? [SIGHS.]
I'm sorry, Paula, but if Carlos is getting your job, I need to be here to protect the kids from him.
And I need to be here to protect Carlos from those kids.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Do I smell sulfur? Ever notice how that smell kinda follows you around? I'm just lighting candles for my shrine to Paula to convince her to stay.
This is a clear violation of the fire code.
More like a violation of the "I want Paula's job" code, ladder-climbing jackass.
The only fire I like is firing obsolete employees.
A-boom.
But, Carlos, look what it spells.
[CARLOS.]
"Don't go.
" [GASPS.]
How adorkable.
Oh, candles.
Happy birthday No, Paula, Paula, I just want you to know how I feel.
And how much you mean to me.
Fire in the hole! Don't you dare, you mother-clucking son of a biscuit! What the hell are you doing, Carlos? Solving problems.
It's called leadership.
And I don't want anyone questioning my authority.
Well, if this is what it's gonna be like with you in charge, I'm retiring.
Margaritaville, here I come.
Congrats on joining the winning team.
Congrats on having me.
Here's a pro tip.
First rule of honors, every person for themselves.
Damn it! Does this mean we're not gonna be besties? It sure does.
[CHUCKLES.]
Backpack, let's roll.
Is her backpack a Tesla? If you came to ask how it's going, it blows.
Really? So, you think we have a chance at beating you? No, oh my God, honors is gonna crush you.
But they're not a team.
They're a bunch of selfish, catty snobs.
But the way they look out for themselves, I bet they're gonna get into their first-choice schools.
Who cares? They're so terrible, Whitney's the nice one.
Ew.
Look, I wanna win, but not with the honors kids.
It's like Harry Potter winning the Quidditch Cup with team Slytherin.
I'm sorry, I read the bootleg version from the swap meet.
I think it was called Geraldo Potter and the Chancla of Fire.
Look, you on the honors team is a sure thing.
Exactly, but it's not about winning and losing.
The best thing for me is being where I can make the biggest difference.
It's a good place to be.
But I thought we decided that, you know, you needed to put yourself first.
Well, I don't remember deciding that, but even if I did, I've changed my mind.
Ah.
Whose terrible idea was that? Some dummy.
Yeah, some pendejo who thought he was doing the right thing.
And now, he realizes he's gotta get you back to where you wanna be.
Only one problem: I don't think the Musketeers are gonna take you back.
Really? 'Cause I have like 75 texts from Mikey that say otherwise.
Well, then we got a decathlon to win, and you got a puppy who can't wait for his owner to get home.
- Marisol! - Mikey, down! [SIGHS.]
Oh, hey, Paula.
Hey, Gabe.
Um You're really going out on top.
That is my favorite position.
You know, I'm really gonna miss these awkward moments when you overshare.
Ah, but even by your high standards, you've had quite a semester.
I did.
My kids haven't stopped talking about when Miss Mads taught them.
If I'd have had another week, I would've covered Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat.
And don't forget, you and Coach Dixon, you put together quite the football program that finally beat Poly.
Yeah, I did do that.
And nobody hosts a decathlon or a talent show the way you do.
- Right? - Mm-hmm.
It's gonna be weird watching Carlos host those events.
Wait, what? And you know what the worst part's gonna be? What could be worse than Carlos hosting anything? All of those Paula's Pals getting counseled out by Principal Hernandez.
Damn it, Gabriel.
What? What did I do? I tried to convince you to come with me, and you twisted everything around.
Now I can't leave.
Yes! Paula I am just a teacher standing in front of an administrator asking her from the bottom of my heart: Please, stay.
Okay.
I did it! Yep, white girl magic.
[BELL DINGS.]
The ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter is pi.
Correct.
Man, I thought I knew everything about pie.
Whitney Carson representing.
You go, girl.
And the score is, the honors students, 50! And surprise, surprise, the non-honors students a mere 25.
Throwing shade at children, look at him go.
I just want you all to know, I couldn't be more proud of you than I am right now.
Really? We're down by 25.
Wouldn't you be more proud of us if we were up by 25? Yeah, "I couldn't be more proud of you" definitely means we're gonna lose.
Listen, you guys got this.
Look over there.
Those honors students are a really smart group of individuals.
But we're a team.
Exactly.
Believe in each other, and anything is possible.
It's time for the final round! Unless you're forfeiting and cutting straight to the crying.
[SILENTLY MOUTHING.]
See? Nobody thinks we can win this.
Everybody, bring it in.
On the count of three.
[ALL.]
One, two, three.
All for one and one for all! What is Emancipation Proclamation? Mikey, please phrase your answer in the form of an answer.
But that is correct! Yeah! Uh, Aphrodite's boo, Adonis.
I know that because that's what the ladies call me.
Correct.
Yeah! Come on! Bingo, Bango! Where did he come from? [BELL DINGS.]
The answer is SchrÃdinger's cat.
It is both alive and dead.
Chew on that.
Correct.
The answer is trinitrotoluene.
Wrong.
It's TNT.
And what do you think "TNT" stands for? She's right, Carlos.
And boom goes the dynamite! Come on, Mr.
Ochoa, say something inspiring.
Bring it in.
You're making me look bad, you're blowing it, and you cost me 50 bucks.
Now, break.
How many women have served as Supreme Court justice? Four.
Sandra Day O'Connor, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor, and Elena Kagan.
Correct! [CHUCKLES.]
All rise, all rise, all rise.
The score is 50-50, just like my divorce settlements.
[CHUCKLES.]
We are going to a tie-breaker.
How is this happening? This competition is tighter than my spanx after Sizzler.
Hey, if we win this, I'm taking you guys to Sizzler.
And the category is: classical composers.
Oh, man.
You got this, Walt.
What German composer's only opera was Fidelio? - [BELL DINGS.]
- Richard Wagner.
Incorrect.
[CHUCKLES.]
You've gotta be kidding me.
Do I look like someone who jokes during the tie-breaker of an academic decathlon? Mm-hmm.
Mr.
Dobbs, for the win.
Uh "No Women, No Cry.
" Bob Marley.
Marley and Me.
Dog movie, Beethoven! I got it.
Ludwig van Beethoven.
Goodnight, Long Beach! That is correct! [ALL CHEERING, CLAPPING.]
The Musketeers, AKA Paula's Pals, win! [MIC CLATTERS, FEEDBACK WHINES.]
I promise you, nonsense like this won't happen on my watch.
You know what? You're right, it won't.
Because your watch has just been canceled.
Paula's staying.
A-boom.
Hey, remember before when I said I couldn't be prouder of you guys? Well, turns out I could, and I am! Hey, get over here.
You did it.
Look at your team.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Sure feels good to make a big difference.
Ah, you didn't just make a difference, you were the difference.
No.
You were.
Thanks, Mr.
Iglesias.
[SIGHS.]
Don't gloat.
I'm very vulnerable.
Come on, bro.
I'm not here to gloat.
I think our Electric Slide in the parking lot already did that.
We had a great match.
No, we didn't.
My eggheads cracked when it mattered most.
But, hey, no more Mr.
Nice Guy.
Oh, wait, so, what are you saying? You're finally gonna start trying? Thank you.
Look, I gotta keep the honors gig.
Sure don't want to have to work as hard as you do.
So, let me get this straight.
You're gonna work harder so you can keep working less? I will work my butt off, as long as it means I can coast.
Do you ever listen to yourself? Hey, Gabe.
I wanna thank you for showing me a new side of Rakeem.
But when football season rolls around, all this teen Jeopardy doo-doo is over.
Coach, I think Rakeem is smart enough to do both.
And risk everything? No, gracias.
Answering questions at a podium isn't risky, it doesn't require a helmet.
Ha! Back when I was playing, our helmets barely had any padding.
That explains a lot.
Hey, can I get you a drink? Ooh, I'm all set.
Maybe a little more ice? Hey, Katie.
The usual.
We are here to celebrate Wilson's big victory.
Both teams were from Wilson, Paula.
Oh, I'm not talking about the kids, I'm talking about me.
Mama's staying, so we're gonna get turnt! It's a school night, maybe we sh-urnt.
Mr.
Iglesias, what you did with those delinquents was nothing short of a miracle.
What would be an even bigger miracle is if you stopped calling them delinquents.
Carlos, I know you didn't get your big promotion, but I do have good news.
I get to say the morning announcements.
No.
I've decided to reinstate the theater program.
I'm gonna call it Paula's Players.
And you're in charge.
Hello, Dolly! Barmaid, your finest sherry.
Her name's Katie.
Hey, listen, I'd like to make a toast.
To Paula, deciding to stay here at Wilson.
Well, a very special teacher gave me a compelling reason why.
Well, I don't wanna take all the credit, but you're welcome.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wilson would not be the same without you, Paula.
That's right.
So, here's to an epic fall semester and the best group of co-workers a guy could ask for.
- Yay! - Here, here.
Cheers.
Just because I'm not retiring doesn't mean I can't visit Margaritaville.
All right, everybody.
Let's bring it in.
I suppose you want me to take the photo? Are you kidding? You're in this picture.
Oh, hush that fuss.
Okay, smilesies, everybody.
We made it to the end.
Get in here.
[CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS.]
- Okay, what about People's Court? Okay.
- Okay.
[BOTH HUMMING THE PEOPLE'S COURT THEME.]
Hey, Your Honor, este he come home at two o'clock in the morning, smelling like Dos Equis and culo.
It's cologne, Your Honor, cologne.
Cologne spray for a horse! He come home with hickeys, Your Honor, hickeys.
I have eczema, Your Honor.
He also had the glitter, the glitter.
From the putas, Your Honor.
I was helping my kids with the arts and crafts.
That's why I stab him.
¡Malo! [THEME SONG PLAYING.]
You boys ready to battle, mano a mano? Eh, más o menos.
I'm más, he's menos.
But Gabe just bet 50 bucks on his kids without even asking for odds.
Hey, man, American history is full of underdog stories.
That's right.
They said that Davy Crockett didn't stand a chance at the Alamo.
He died at the Alamo.
Oh, well I teach English.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Happy Decathlon Eve, everybody.
Yup, tomorrow is DÃa de los Muertos for Gabe's team.
- [ABBY.]
Oh! - That means "Day of the Dead" in Spanish.
Yeah, I know, Tony.
I'm not an idiot, I've seen Coco.
And I've got a spirit animal with all the answers, and her name is Marisol.
But that's Maris-all you got.
Hey, you see what I did there? Yeah, embarrass yourself? Yeah, I saw it.
Gabe, you've taken your kids on such a noble journey.
You've already won a moral victory.
Yeah, those aren't a lot of fun.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
"Hey, Skip, we're here in downtown Long Beach for this year's Moral Victory Parade.
As you can see, there's no one here 'cause those don't exist!" Gabe, my man Rakeem is so fired up for the decathlon tomorrow.
He'll dominate in long jump and high hurdles.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Uh, Coach? It's an academic decathlon.
What? [CHUCKLING.]
I don't even know what that is.
Our students answer questions on a variety of school subjects.
Oh, so sports for nerds.
- I got great news, gang.
- So great.
Turns out, the principal of Lakewood suddenly left to spend more time with his family.
You know what that means.
He loves his family? Sure, we'll go with that.
And I was just offered his job.
But you turned it down, right? Gabe, remember when Mo'Nique won the Academy Award for Precious? - Who? - For what? Exactly.
For some people, opportunities are few and far between.
But what about the opportunity you have here? You know they'll build you a statue if you green-light my flauta Fridays idea.
Gabe, as a wife, a mother, and educator, I have spent my entire life looking out for others.
- Feels pretty good, doesn't it? - Not particularly.
It's time to look out for me, and what I want is to be at an Elite 100 school.
You can't! We need you.
I need you.
Your wisdom, your guidance You taught me to use my bra as a purse.
Aww! Mine's more of a weekender bag.
We don't want you leaving for a weekend.
We don't want you leaving at all.
Relax, people.
The principal position here will be filled by a qualified person.
Some might even say more qualified.
[CHUCKLES.]
No one will say that, Carlos.
Sorry to disappoint everybody, but sometimes, this is what happens when you look out for yourself.
But giving ourselves what we want isn't always the right thing to do.
If it was, I'd be in a Jack in the Box drive-through right now.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias All right, you guys ready for tomorrow? Hells, yeah! You taught us everything about the history of our nation.
Yeah, and when Miss Mads subbed for you, she taught us everything about "Rhythm Nation.
" You know, I was so focused on the bad deeds of Andrew Jackson, I never made it to the Janet Jackson administration.
So, the white man is guilty of genocide, and they put his face on a $20 bill, but his sister has a nip slip, and now she working at Trader Joe's.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY, SIGHS.]
That's just what I read, you know? Okay, one [CHUCKLES.]
one last practice round.
Grace? Who breaks a tie in a Senate vote? Okay, uh, 100 senators, a fifty-fifty tie - Uh - [BLEATS.]
Goat: Greatest Of All Time, Tom Brady, MVP, VP.
Vice President! Whoo! That's a bit of a wobbly bicycle, but you made it.
All right, what was Eli Whitney famous for inventing? Walt? Oh, boy.
I should know this.
Hey, hey, you do know this.
Uh, do the Jedi mind trick, Marisol.
Oh, okay.
Walt [SIGHS.]
"Fo' shizzle my nizzle.
" - Mmm! - Oh Right.
Snoop Dogg, "Rollin' down the street, smokin' indo.
" "Gin and Juice.
" Cotton gin.
That's right.
Laid back.
[CHUCKLES.]
Great teamwork, Marisol.
Hey, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" for Marisol.
Hey, we still need a name for our team.
Uh, the other kids call us the drip tray.
Lorenzo, I think we could do much better than that, even though the drip tray is - where all the flavor collects.
- Hey, you know! How about the Academic De-latha-keets De-catheters.
Save the brainpower for the big dance, okay, Mikey? Well, the Three Musketeers' motto is "All for one and one for all.
" How about The Musketeers? Oh, I like it.
Written by Alexander Dumbass.
He actually pronounced it Doom-ah.
She's right.
I used to say it the same way as you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Until I got a call from a parent.
Hello, subordinates.
Why are you smiling like an idiot? Because with Paula decamping to Lakewood, I will be assuming full authority over this school.
Well, I know why you're smiling.
My question was, why are you smiling like an idiot? I'm not.
I'm smiling like your new boss.
Look at the new rules for next semester.
- Hey, y'all.
- [CHUCKLES.]
New faculty dress code: no shorts.
[LAUGHS.]
You're a monster.
A chupa-Carlos.
It's called professionalism, Mr.
Iglesias.
Hello, Mother.
Turns out you were wrong about me.
Relax, Gabe.
I'm sure Carlos will lighten up once he gets all the power.
Or I might have that backward.
Paula, you can't leave us.
You're my own private Oprah.
If you call me Oprah again, [IMITATING OPRAH.]
you're going to look under your chair and find a foot in your ass! Ha! Ahh! Oh, you even sound just like her! You know, I wish I loved anything as much as white women love Oprah.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Well, I don't need Oprah.
I already live with a strong black woman that tells me what to read.
Oh.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
So, Gabe, do you think your kids can keep it close tomorrow, or am I going to be MCing a blowout? Oh, is the Duchess of Lakewood gonna be gracing us with her presence? Okay, silly, that job does not start until after winter break.
Oh, but speaking of big opportunities, I heard Marisol Fuentes is going on the Stanford trip.
Yeah, I had to agree to go on a blind date with the Bingo caller from her mom's church.
Gabe, don't you think it's time for Marisol to be in the honors class? A decathlon win would look great on her transcript.
She might get it with me.
But even if she doesn't, Paula, she's gonna be just fine.
Oh.
Is "just fine" what you want for her? If I'd settled for "just fine," I'd still be traveling cross-country with my first husband, selling T-shirts after a Tracy Chapman concert.
You know, ain't no shame in moving merch.
Be honest, Gabe.
Do you want Marisol on your team because it's what's best for her, or because it's what's best for you? Paula, you can't do this to me.
I worked my butt off all year.
Don't I deserve a win? Mmm.
I just heard two "I"s, a "me," and a "my" come out of you.
That doesn't sound like Gabe, that sounds like Kanye.
You're right.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeezus.
[SIGHS.]
- Hey, Marisol.
- Hey.
You know what brilliant idea just occurred to me? A decathlon victory would look really good on your college applications.
Well, it's not out of the question.
All we need is Mikey to overcome his nerves, Lorenzo not to get the yips, and Walt to put his vape pen down.
Okay, it's a long shot.
Yeah.
But what if, and I mean, what if you were on the honors team instead of our team? What? I can't leave our team.
I'm the glue that holds it together.
Come on, let's be honest.
You're the glue, the staples, the paper, the answers Come on.
the office, the building, - the planet, the stars - Okay.
But, you wanna win as much as I do.
I know.
[CHUCKLES.]
And apparently, that's a bad thing.
You belong in the honors class with peers who will challenge you.
You don't think being on a team with Mikey is a challenge? He follows me around like a dog whose owner just came back from war.
Have you tried throwing a squeaky toy down the hall? Why are you doing this? Because I want what's best for you.
I know how hard you've worked for our team.
Isn't this decathlon important to you? It is, but not as important as you are to me.
Good morning, De-catheters.
How we feeling? Where's Marisol? You know she's never late.
Yeah, where is our team captain? Uh, that's a great question, Grace.
Uh Where is Marisol? Uh, it's a very interesting, kinda surprising turn of events.
Dude, just rip off the Band-Aid.
Marisol is an honor student, and she is now part of the honors team.
Now, where were we? What? Where were we? Where are we? We're doomed.
[STAMMERS.]
I hate to say this, but even my confidence is shaken.
And that never happens.
Look, look, nobody panic, okay? All we gotta do is clone Marisol.
Mikey, give me a piece of her hair.
I know you got one.
Look, Marisol was an important part of our team, but she's not our whole team, okay? You guys have put in the work, and you're gonna do a great job, with or without her.
This is impossible.
This is like the Blowfish without Hootie.
Nobody wants to see the Blowfish.
I miss Marisol.
You miss Marisol when she sharpens her pencil.
I sure do.
Okay, pencil sharpener is all the way over there.
But now, we can elect a new captain.
Lorenzo, what about you? Ha! Yeah, right.
That is a trap.
The last one vanished.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, look, man.
It's like we're on a game show.
Hey, wanna play some ghetto Family Feud? Oh, you mean, Family Feud? Okay.
[IMITATING STEVE HARVEY.]
Uh, Mr.
Ochoa, the top three answers is on the board.
Ways to not pay your electric bill.
[IMITATES BUZZER.]
Um Post-dated check, run an extension cord to your neighbors, put the bill in your baby's name.
[CHUCKLES.]
That is correct.
Uh, number one answer was, "Move out before they catch yo' ass.
" [CHUCKLES, IN NORMAL VOICE.]
This is cool.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! How about some ghetto Jeopardy? Okay, okay.
Okay, all right, here we go.
Uh-huh.
Time for the musical Daily Double.
Please complete this Cypress Hill lyric Okay.
"Who you trying to get crazy with, ese?" Oh! [IMITATES BUZZER.]
Uh, what is "Don't you know I'm loco?" - Correct.
- [LAUGHS.]
Hey, you see, bro? Look, no matter what happens, this decathlon is gonna be fun.
Are you still gonna have fun if I beat you? We got Marisol now, you're not gonna beat me.
[SIGHS.]
How is my girl? She fits right in with the honors kids.
- Hmm.
- She's motivated, she's smart.
Doesn't interrupt me while I'm busy reading the racing forum.
Bro, I know I did the right thing, so, uh, why doesn't it feel better? It never does.
That's why I never do it.
[PAULA SIGHS.]
My last academic decathlon at Wilson.
You know, my walk-out music needs to be dignified.
It should be befitting an Elite 100 administrator.
I'm thinking Ol' Dirty Bastard's "Baby, I Like It Raw.
" Well, nothing screams dignity like "Big Baby Jesus.
" Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
What you did with Marisol showed true leadership, Gabe.
She's gonna thank you when she graduates, from here and from Stanford.
I feel like I couldn't do what was best for Marisol and still take care of my other kids.
I just wish I could've seen my team at full strength, you know? Yeah, I wanna see my team at full strength too.
That's why I'm offering a leader like you a job at Lakewood.
How does head of history department sound? I don't know, Lakewood Lancer? Ooh.
Sounds fancy.
And lancy.
You did what was best for Marisol.
Now, you gotta do what's best for Gabe.
What's best for me is being where I can make the biggest difference.
You know how flight attendants tell parents to put their oxygen mask on first? - Mm-hmm.
- That's what you need to do.
Take care of Gabe, and you can make an even bigger difference for everyone else.
Well, the joke's on you, 'cause you already grabbed a parachute and jumped.
But this plane isn't going down.
Oh, really? Carlos is your new pilot.
[CHUCKLES.]
Mayday, Mayday! So, you ready to jump out that door into the safety of Lakewood? [SIGHS.]
I'm sorry, Paula, but if Carlos is getting your job, I need to be here to protect the kids from him.
And I need to be here to protect Carlos from those kids.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Do I smell sulfur? Ever notice how that smell kinda follows you around? I'm just lighting candles for my shrine to Paula to convince her to stay.
This is a clear violation of the fire code.
More like a violation of the "I want Paula's job" code, ladder-climbing jackass.
The only fire I like is firing obsolete employees.
A-boom.
But, Carlos, look what it spells.
[CARLOS.]
"Don't go.
" [GASPS.]
How adorkable.
Oh, candles.
Happy birthday No, Paula, Paula, I just want you to know how I feel.
And how much you mean to me.
Fire in the hole! Don't you dare, you mother-clucking son of a biscuit! What the hell are you doing, Carlos? Solving problems.
It's called leadership.
And I don't want anyone questioning my authority.
Well, if this is what it's gonna be like with you in charge, I'm retiring.
Margaritaville, here I come.
Congrats on joining the winning team.
Congrats on having me.
Here's a pro tip.
First rule of honors, every person for themselves.
Damn it! Does this mean we're not gonna be besties? It sure does.
[CHUCKLES.]
Backpack, let's roll.
Is her backpack a Tesla? If you came to ask how it's going, it blows.
Really? So, you think we have a chance at beating you? No, oh my God, honors is gonna crush you.
But they're not a team.
They're a bunch of selfish, catty snobs.
But the way they look out for themselves, I bet they're gonna get into their first-choice schools.
Who cares? They're so terrible, Whitney's the nice one.
Ew.
Look, I wanna win, but not with the honors kids.
It's like Harry Potter winning the Quidditch Cup with team Slytherin.
I'm sorry, I read the bootleg version from the swap meet.
I think it was called Geraldo Potter and the Chancla of Fire.
Look, you on the honors team is a sure thing.
Exactly, but it's not about winning and losing.
The best thing for me is being where I can make the biggest difference.
It's a good place to be.
But I thought we decided that, you know, you needed to put yourself first.
Well, I don't remember deciding that, but even if I did, I've changed my mind.
Ah.
Whose terrible idea was that? Some dummy.
Yeah, some pendejo who thought he was doing the right thing.
And now, he realizes he's gotta get you back to where you wanna be.
Only one problem: I don't think the Musketeers are gonna take you back.
Really? 'Cause I have like 75 texts from Mikey that say otherwise.
Well, then we got a decathlon to win, and you got a puppy who can't wait for his owner to get home.
- Marisol! - Mikey, down! [SIGHS.]
Oh, hey, Paula.
Hey, Gabe.
Um You're really going out on top.
That is my favorite position.
You know, I'm really gonna miss these awkward moments when you overshare.
Ah, but even by your high standards, you've had quite a semester.
I did.
My kids haven't stopped talking about when Miss Mads taught them.
If I'd have had another week, I would've covered Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat.
And don't forget, you and Coach Dixon, you put together quite the football program that finally beat Poly.
Yeah, I did do that.
And nobody hosts a decathlon or a talent show the way you do.
- Right? - Mm-hmm.
It's gonna be weird watching Carlos host those events.
Wait, what? And you know what the worst part's gonna be? What could be worse than Carlos hosting anything? All of those Paula's Pals getting counseled out by Principal Hernandez.
Damn it, Gabriel.
What? What did I do? I tried to convince you to come with me, and you twisted everything around.
Now I can't leave.
Yes! Paula I am just a teacher standing in front of an administrator asking her from the bottom of my heart: Please, stay.
Okay.
I did it! Yep, white girl magic.
[BELL DINGS.]
The ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter is pi.
Correct.
Man, I thought I knew everything about pie.
Whitney Carson representing.
You go, girl.
And the score is, the honors students, 50! And surprise, surprise, the non-honors students a mere 25.
Throwing shade at children, look at him go.
I just want you all to know, I couldn't be more proud of you than I am right now.
Really? We're down by 25.
Wouldn't you be more proud of us if we were up by 25? Yeah, "I couldn't be more proud of you" definitely means we're gonna lose.
Listen, you guys got this.
Look over there.
Those honors students are a really smart group of individuals.
But we're a team.
Exactly.
Believe in each other, and anything is possible.
It's time for the final round! Unless you're forfeiting and cutting straight to the crying.
[SILENTLY MOUTHING.]
See? Nobody thinks we can win this.
Everybody, bring it in.
On the count of three.
[ALL.]
One, two, three.
All for one and one for all! What is Emancipation Proclamation? Mikey, please phrase your answer in the form of an answer.
But that is correct! Yeah! Uh, Aphrodite's boo, Adonis.
I know that because that's what the ladies call me.
Correct.
Yeah! Come on! Bingo, Bango! Where did he come from? [BELL DINGS.]
The answer is SchrÃdinger's cat.
It is both alive and dead.
Chew on that.
Correct.
The answer is trinitrotoluene.
Wrong.
It's TNT.
And what do you think "TNT" stands for? She's right, Carlos.
And boom goes the dynamite! Come on, Mr.
Ochoa, say something inspiring.
Bring it in.
You're making me look bad, you're blowing it, and you cost me 50 bucks.
Now, break.
How many women have served as Supreme Court justice? Four.
Sandra Day O'Connor, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor, and Elena Kagan.
Correct! [CHUCKLES.]
All rise, all rise, all rise.
The score is 50-50, just like my divorce settlements.
[CHUCKLES.]
We are going to a tie-breaker.
How is this happening? This competition is tighter than my spanx after Sizzler.
Hey, if we win this, I'm taking you guys to Sizzler.
And the category is: classical composers.
Oh, man.
You got this, Walt.
What German composer's only opera was Fidelio? - [BELL DINGS.]
- Richard Wagner.
Incorrect.
[CHUCKLES.]
You've gotta be kidding me.
Do I look like someone who jokes during the tie-breaker of an academic decathlon? Mm-hmm.
Mr.
Dobbs, for the win.
Uh "No Women, No Cry.
" Bob Marley.
Marley and Me.
Dog movie, Beethoven! I got it.
Ludwig van Beethoven.
Goodnight, Long Beach! That is correct! [ALL CHEERING, CLAPPING.]
The Musketeers, AKA Paula's Pals, win! [MIC CLATTERS, FEEDBACK WHINES.]
I promise you, nonsense like this won't happen on my watch.
You know what? You're right, it won't.
Because your watch has just been canceled.
Paula's staying.
A-boom.
Hey, remember before when I said I couldn't be prouder of you guys? Well, turns out I could, and I am! Hey, get over here.
You did it.
Look at your team.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Sure feels good to make a big difference.
Ah, you didn't just make a difference, you were the difference.
No.
You were.
Thanks, Mr.
Iglesias.
[SIGHS.]
Don't gloat.
I'm very vulnerable.
Come on, bro.
I'm not here to gloat.
I think our Electric Slide in the parking lot already did that.
We had a great match.
No, we didn't.
My eggheads cracked when it mattered most.
But, hey, no more Mr.
Nice Guy.
Oh, wait, so, what are you saying? You're finally gonna start trying? Thank you.
Look, I gotta keep the honors gig.
Sure don't want to have to work as hard as you do.
So, let me get this straight.
You're gonna work harder so you can keep working less? I will work my butt off, as long as it means I can coast.
Do you ever listen to yourself? Hey, Gabe.
I wanna thank you for showing me a new side of Rakeem.
But when football season rolls around, all this teen Jeopardy doo-doo is over.
Coach, I think Rakeem is smart enough to do both.
And risk everything? No, gracias.
Answering questions at a podium isn't risky, it doesn't require a helmet.
Ha! Back when I was playing, our helmets barely had any padding.
That explains a lot.
Hey, can I get you a drink? Ooh, I'm all set.
Maybe a little more ice? Hey, Katie.
The usual.
We are here to celebrate Wilson's big victory.
Both teams were from Wilson, Paula.
Oh, I'm not talking about the kids, I'm talking about me.
Mama's staying, so we're gonna get turnt! It's a school night, maybe we sh-urnt.
Mr.
Iglesias, what you did with those delinquents was nothing short of a miracle.
What would be an even bigger miracle is if you stopped calling them delinquents.
Carlos, I know you didn't get your big promotion, but I do have good news.
I get to say the morning announcements.
No.
I've decided to reinstate the theater program.
I'm gonna call it Paula's Players.
And you're in charge.
Hello, Dolly! Barmaid, your finest sherry.
Her name's Katie.
Hey, listen, I'd like to make a toast.
To Paula, deciding to stay here at Wilson.
Well, a very special teacher gave me a compelling reason why.
Well, I don't wanna take all the credit, but you're welcome.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wilson would not be the same without you, Paula.
That's right.
So, here's to an epic fall semester and the best group of co-workers a guy could ask for.
- Yay! - Here, here.
Cheers.
Just because I'm not retiring doesn't mean I can't visit Margaritaville.
All right, everybody.
Let's bring it in.
I suppose you want me to take the photo? Are you kidding? You're in this picture.
Oh, hush that fuss.
Okay, smilesies, everybody.
We made it to the end.
Get in here.
[CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS.]
- Okay, what about People's Court? Okay.
- Okay.
[BOTH HUMMING THE PEOPLE'S COURT THEME.]
Hey, Your Honor, este he come home at two o'clock in the morning, smelling like Dos Equis and culo.
It's cologne, Your Honor, cologne.
Cologne spray for a horse! He come home with hickeys, Your Honor, hickeys.
I have eczema, Your Honor.
He also had the glitter, the glitter.
From the putas, Your Honor.
I was helping my kids with the arts and crafts.
That's why I stab him.
¡Malo! [THEME SONG PLAYING.]