S#*! My Dad Says s01e10 Episode Script

- Hey, dad - Get down! What the hell are you doing? People are gonna think you're a pepingtom.
A pepingtom spy on young women getting dressed.
I'm spying on a 65 year ex-marine.
Who is eating a egg white omelet.
- Why? - High colesterol, I presume.
He had four heart attacks in 3 years.
Coast is clean.
You can get up.
What was going on last night? Sound like a cow was giving birth.
That was me.
I jacked up the neighbor's shed And shimmied it over 12 inches to the south.
I'm know I'm going to regret asking you this.
Why would you do that? 'cause that land-grabber built his shed Six inches over my property line.
So once a month, I go over there And I move it a foot the other way, And then the next night, That nasty bastard moves it back.
So, tell me, coyote, How long have you and the roadrunner been at this? Let's see.
What's today, Thursday? Roughly 25 years.
Oh, there he is.
Oh, this is the best part.
This is when he discovers it.
"oh, look! Somebody moved my shed!" [laughs.]
"i'm mr.
Campbell.
I make dumb faces when someone moves my shed!" This is insane, even for you.
I don't know why don't you just let him Keep his shed a little bit on your property.
Because it's on my property.
I earned it.
The trouble with your generation is You never had to fight for anything.
My generation fought so guys like you Can sit around on your ass all day, Living in the lap of luxury for free.
Are you kidding me? I live in a spider-infested attic, I can't use electricity after 9:00 p.
M.
, And I don't sit around all day.
I'm busting my ass trying to find a job, Which is very hard to do when I being woken up at 4:00 a.
M.
Because you're out in the yard playing the world's longest game Of "gotcha last.
" You can sleep through the noise of me moving a shed.
During the war, I slept through four years of shelling.
How did you hear shelling? You were a medic on a boat.
Corporal harry shelling.
We shared a cabin.
The bastard snored like a leaf blower.
Damn deviated septum.
Every night, in and out.
In and out.
"breathe through your nose, shelling! Breathe through your nose!" Anyway, look, I'm just saying, I think you should go talk to him.
I mean, he's stubborn, He was in the military, he's crazy.
I think you guys could be friends.
Why do you always have to be at war with someone? Mr.
Campbell, The paperboy, the mailman.
I'm not at war with the mailman.
That war is over.
I defeated him.
Yes, and now we have to walk to the post office To get our mail.
With our heads held high.
Guess what we brought for lunch? Tamales! Which is spanish for Uh, tamales.
We took a spanish class at the learning annex.
Uh, muy bien, vicente.
Como esta usted? Oh! Tamales! Well, the class was only nine bucks, And it came with a free sombrero, so Okay, get this, we just saw a great dog At the rescue down at the farmers' market, Which we're gonna adopt! Now, hold on, before you say anything, I know what you guys are thinking, But trust me, this is not a baby substitute.
I wasn't thinking that.
I wasn't even listening.
Why would you assume that's what they were thinking? I don't know.
They know that we're having trouble conceiving.
You guys are having trouble conceiving? Probably my fault.
I never gave him that sex talk.
He knows what goes where, And what doesn't.
It's fine.
It's nobody's fault.
We're fine.
Everyone's fine.
It's just some people take a little longer, You know, to conceive.
It's just Besides, we took some tests, And the good news is there is nothing wrong with my eggs.
Oh.
Huevos.
Oh.
Muy bien, vicente.
So we're getting a dog 'cause we want a dog, And that's all there is to it.
So what do you want from me? Well, pop, we're just wondering If you still have any of schwarzkopf's old dog stuff Because the woman who runs the animal rescue, She's gonna come over and inspect our place.
And we want to prove to her That we can be incredible parents.
- You mean "owners.
" - that's what I said.
Yeah, I got schwarzkopf's old leash And his dog bowl over here.
The rest of the stuff's upstairs.
Brings a tear to my eye when I think of that little guy.
Oh.
You know, schwarzkopf was a great animal.
He was a horrible animal.
He tried to kill mrs.
Cleator's dog.
'cause he was defending his bone, Her dog was trying to get it from him.
That's what you do when someone takes what's yours.
You don't talk it out.
That's why he was victorious.
He was wheeled away like hannibal lecter.
With his muzzled head held high.
What are you two talking about? Oh.
You don't know about the whole shed war Going on between dad and mr.
Campbell? Oh, you mean that insane ex-military freak? Yeah.
He's fighting with mr.
Campbell.
I remember mr.
Campbell.
You know, I-- I can't even talk about it.
He's going to talk about it.
I was ten years old, And my soccer ball went over our fence into his yard, And he took that garden claw he's always holding, And he stuck it in the ball, And then he held it up and laughed as it--and I--deflated.
It's been 25 years, And I still haven't been able to watch soccer.
I'll tell you what you missed: Three goals.
Excuse me, mr.
Campbell? What the hell do you want, hot dog? Why am I "hot dog"? 'cause your brother's "hamburger.
" I want to talk to you about the shed.
I know you and my father have been fighting, But I firmly believe that any problem Can be resolved by talking it out.
Look, I know he moved the shed, And he's very sorry and would like to make peace.
What do I care if he wants to make pizza? I said "peace.
" Oh, oh.
Talk into this ear.
My father would like to make peace.
Oh, well, that doesn't sound like him.
He sounds like this.
"oh, look at me.
I'm ed.
I move people's sheds, and I'm dumb.
" That's - Actually pretty close.
- Yep.
Look, what can we do To bring this whole shed thing to an end? It's about more than the shed.
Over the years, your father has done Unmentionable things to me.
He stole my angel away from me.
I loved her.
Oh, my god.
I kept her over there by the pond So the birds wouldn't poop on her.
Oh, a statue.
I thought you were talking about your wife.
I was.
That was a joke.
Look, if I get you that statue back, Will you be willing to at least talk to my dad? Fine, fine.
So we just had a very nice conversation, And afterwards, he said he wanted a truce.
It's a trap.
The man has a rock garden.
You can't trust that kind of crazy.
Dad, trust me.
I talked to him.
All he wants is his statue back.
Where the birds can poop on it.
So it's a deal? Not quite.
His hedge trimmers? That's going to cost him.
Bird feeder? Fine.
I hung it over the angel statue.
Fantastic.
So we'll do the exchange tomorrow at 6:00.
6:00? He knows perfectly well that's when I feed my koi.
6:05.
Busy.
Dad, how can you be free at 6:00 and then busy at 6:05? That's when I do my koi fishing.
Look, here's the deal: Tomorrow, 6:30, you and I will both meet here.
Cool? Cool.
Mr.
Campbell? I'm easy.
Okay.
Dad, here's your weed-whacker.
Bernice, I've missed you.
Uh-huh.
And, mr.
Campbell, here is your watering can, Which some bird has totally jackson pollocked.
All right, guys, I think that's about everything.
Well, campbell, it takes a big man to admit defeat.
I wasn't defeated.
You were.
What are you talking about? Henry says you were begging for a truce.
What? The hot dog told me you wanted the truce.
What? Hot dog, you tell him I wanted a truce? Well, I just-- you know what? My name isn't "hot dog.
" I knew you weren't man enough to admit you were wrong! What are you talking about? Your shed is six inches over on my property! The hell it is! I've got the survey! I don't care if you hate sorbet! I hate you! What are you talk-- I didn't say anything--"sorb--"? Listen with your good ear, Ya tin-eared jarhead! The truce is over! And that shed is going in the koi pond tomorrow! You'll move it off of your tomatoes first.
I'll tell you that right now! You put a step on my tomatoes, You'll get a tomato in the face! Hold on! Hold on! - You don't even understand-- - hold on! Hold on.
You better not come on my tomatoes.
Dad! - You come on my-- - stop it.
- You just stop it.
- Mr.
Campbell! - I've had enough-- - stop it! What is with you two? We've come this far.
Now shake hands and end this.
Come on.
For once, give peace a chance.
Listen, yoko I am not shaking that man's hand.
Dad Please.
For once, For me.
See? Was that so hard? It feels good, doesn't it? - Eh.
- Well Feels good, I guess.
Yeah, of course it does.
See, dad, by doing things my way, We were able to reach an agreement peacefully.
SoIs there, uh, Something you want to say to me? Yeah.
Get this crap off my lawn.
The sprinklers go on in three minutes.
It's not quite "you were right," But I know it's what you meant, dad.
Hey, mr.
Campbell.
Mr.
Campbell, I want to thank Hey, that's my old bike.
I thought it was stolen.
Well, not stolen.
Impounded.
It was left in front of my driveway 15 years ago, And it became mine.
Are you kidding me? My dad grounded me for two months for losing that bike.
I mean, I put flyers up everywhere.
I put a flyer on your tree.
That flyer became mine as well.
Come on, mr.
Campbell, I just want my bike back.
No, no, those were not the terms of the agreement.
Then I'm going to come over there and take it.
You do, and you'll get a face full of claw.
- But it's my bike! - And it's my claw.
Now, you make like a hot dog and kiss my ass.
That doesn't even make sense! Well, does this make any sense? - [air hissing.]
- oh! [laughs.]
That was not a nice thing to do, mr.
Campbell! That's it! This is war! And I'm gettin' my bike back.
You don't even know.
You think ed goodson's tough? Hot dog goodson's as tough as they come! Ooh! I am so pissed right now! Aw.
Who put the sand in your panties? Your arch nemesis.
The assistant manager at radio shack? - Mr.
Campbell.
- Oh.
Remember that summer when I was 12 And my bike got stolen? I can hardly remember your name.
How am I supposed to remember that? I'll never forget it.
I had to do my paper route on foot.
Six hours a day, dad, 95-degree heat.
You told me to strap a bell to my arm.
[chuckling.]
That I remember.
Back then, I could only visit you during the summertime.
All year long, I looked forward to it--and feared it-- But mainly looked forward to it.
And then that summer, all we did was argue about the bike.
I just found out it was all campbell's fault.
I left my bike in front of his place, And he just took it! [chuckles.]
I told you the guy was a jerk.
Totally.
We need to get him back.
Ohh! Jumping off the old peace train, are we, cat stevens? Sure you don't want to talk anymore? See? No.
No, no, no.
I see what you're doing, and this is different.
I didn't start anything with him, dad.
He just stole my bike.
Now you want to get him back, eh? Did you want to sneak over there And light up the old koi barbecue? Maybe drop trou and fertilize the rock garden.
Yeah, I haven't really thought about the details.
Mmm, fantasize about going over there one night, eh? Crawl over to his bunk and pick up a pillow And put it over his face And stop the snoring bastard once and for all? You can't breathe through your mouth now, Can you, shelling? Answer me! Answer me! Anyway Right.
So Here's what you're going to do: Absolutely nothing.
What? We have a truce, a truce you brokered.
And you know what my code is.
Treat a horse like a woman and a woman like a horse? That's my credo.
My code is a man never breaks his word.
- But, dad-- - no "buts," henry.
You never go back on your word, Not even if you haven't slept in three weeks, And you promised your commanding officer You wouldn't touch him.
Even though all you can think about Is what it would feel like To put your hands around shelling's neck And squeeze and squeeze and squeeze Until the only sound you hear Is the sound of your own panting.
[panting.]
Dad, is shelling still alive? He's my podiatrist.
A good foot man if you need one.
[knock at door.]
Oh, vince, the woman from the dog rescue's here! Be cool.
Don't be nervous.
Don't be obvious.
Don't be desperate.
What are you doing? Get out here! Hi.
Look out, everybody.
The weird dog lady's here.
[laughs.]
oh.
Come on in.
You must be roberta.
I'm bonnie.
Hope you don't mind, I let myself in through the people door.
That's funny.
Vince! Hi, I'm vince.
Oh, hi, I'm roberta.
Hope you don't mind, I let myself in through the people door.
Oh, my god, she did that for me, too.
So let's take a look around And see if this place is suitable for a dog.
Oh, it's entirely suitable.
We are going to be excellent parents.
Uh, owners? That's what I said.
We just want to make sure we cover all of our bases.
I even signed up for a "puppy and me" class.
The first week is yoga.
Yoga? What the heck is a puppy gonna do in a yoga class? Downward dog? So Okay, so you guys live on a great street, And you are five blocks from a terrific dog park.
But, you know, if you both work, One of you is going to have to come home For a mid-day walk.
Oh, yeah, yeah, we've planned for that.
And what are we going to walk him in? I don't know, maybe something from his new [sing-song.]
wardrobe! Great dane! What am I looking at here? Oh, just stuff I bought.
I like to go online at night and buy things for the dog.
You know, little rubber newspapers And little hats, Little backpacks, Those little shoes that if it rains They don't get their little feet wet.
- Okay, okay.
- What's going on? What? Yeah.
No, I think I see what's going on here.
Folks, I don't think I can approve you for this adoption.
Wait.
Why? All you're dealing with is two loving people - That want a dog.
- Baby.
- A dog.
- Baby.
- Dog.
- Baby.
Honey? Honey? Honey, stop.
- Dog! - Baby, baby, baby.
Folks, folks, look, When a couple adopts a dog, but they really want a baby, It always ends up being a problem for the dog.
Not in every case, of course, but in enough So that I can't approve you today for this dog.
This has nothing to do with a baby.
Come on, let's get real.
This is about as nutsy-cuckoo as it gets, And you're talking to someone who just came From a $50,000 bark-mitzvah.
I'm so sorry.
You guys seem like really nice people.
I'll let myself out.
Well, it's just one person's opinion.
I mean, you know, there's plenty of dog rescues in san diego, - If you want a dog-- - I want a baby, vince.
I know you do, bonnie, And we'll have one.
What if we can't? Honey, look at me.
We'll have one, okay? Come here.
uno, dos, tres y cuatro, cinco, seis siete, ocho-- Okay.
Vince's ball.
My bike.
The claw.
Who's out there? - Aah! - Aah! Ohh! Ooh! [siren wails.]
daaaaad! How does it feel to get cpr from a navy medic? Oh, the humiliation is crushing.
I suppose I owe you one.
I'll bet you do.
How about you give my boy back his bicycle, And we'll call it even? Who's steven? That's your bad ear.
My boy, give him his bike back.
Only if we go back to hating each other.
I'm way ahead of you.
"oh! Oh, look at me.
I'm ed goodson.
I'm dumb.
I just resuscitated my enemy.
" "oh, oh! Look at me.
I'm mr.
Campbell.
"i'm dumb.
I just had a minor heart attack Like a girl.
" Don't forget your aspirin, now.
Please feed my fish.
I'll feed your fish.
I'll feed them to the cat.
Okay, then.
See? It's all right to dislike people And have people dislike you.
You don't have to talk through everything.
Fine, I see your point, dad, But I still think you take things too far.
I mean, if you didn't do that, You might have a friend or two.
I have a friend.
You, stupid.
Right.
You're my friend, too.
Okay, now, time to feed the koi.
Oh.
Sit down.
I I bought you something.
- What is it? - A male stripper.
Open the damn box.
Ed, I don't really think I'm in the mood I wasn't in the mood to get you something, but I got it.
Open the box.
Oh, my god, ed.
It's a dog.
Yes.
I know what it is.
Oh.
No, no, none of that.
I don't know what to say.
Good.
Say nothing.