My Place (2009) s01e10 Episode Script

(INTRIGUING PIANO AND CELLO MUSIC) I'm a witch.
Brrrmmmm! I am the magician! I'm not weird.
You're gonna get in so much trouble! (LAUGHTER) GIRL: Oooh! (GIRL SQUEALS) (JAUNTY MUSIC) Good girl.
Good girl.
(GOAT BLEATS) BO Y: I'm Bert, and this is my place.
And this is Gertie.
She's giving up her milk to help the war effort.
Don't you know? We're Bert and Gert, the Milk Brigade.
Come on.
Come on.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Good girl.
(CLICKS TONGUE) (GERTIE BLEATS) I couldn't go to war 'cause I'm too young.
So my job is to cheer up everyone else.
(REPEATED THUDDING) Thanks, Bertie.
Thanks, Miss Miller.
Looking forward to your brother coming home, I expect.
Too right, Miss Miller.
(GERTIE BLEATS) Want to see some juggling, Miss Miller? I would love to, Bertie.
It'll cost you a penny.
Will it, indeed? Well, Bertie Forsythe, a penny it is - provided you do not drop one single item.
(JAUNTY MUSIC) (LAUGHS) (GERTIE BLEATS) (WHISTLES TUNE) (GERTIE BLEATS) (CONTINUES WHISTLING) (DOG BARKS) (PANTS) Hello! We're not open today.
I know, but I gotta see your dad.
Oh, hi, Charles.
Father says he'll be down presently.
It's good you're protecting him.
What? From those kids at school who want to eat him.
You're a loonie.
MAN: I can let you have that for a ha'penny.
Oh, no, thanks, Mr Watson.
I I've got some money.
We're closed today, Bertie.
I know.
But Eddie, my brother, is coming home on Monday.
His ship's early, so I've got to get him his present.
(SIGHS) Nine shillings and sixpence.
You've got a shilling to go.
Mr Watson, could I could we put the rest on tick? I'm sorry, Bertie, but I can only advance credit to a responsible adult.
But I give you almost a pound already.
It's a coming home present for a digger! I know that, Bertie.
But those are the rules.
(BLEATS) Thank you, Bert.
Would you tell Ev I won't be home till after six? Yep.
Yes, Mother.
Yes, Mother.
Now off you go.
And get some homework done.
Yes, Mum.
Hey, champ.
G'day, Sid.
Hey, champ.
You there, champ? Yeah, Mr Bracey.
Hello.
Hey, Bertie.
What's the joke of the day? You heard how the soldiers at Gallipoli got a change of underwear? No.
(LAUGHS) First Battalion got to change with the Second Battalion.
(BOTH LAUGH) You're a wag, Bertie.
(ALL LAUGH) (WHISTLES TUNE) (BLEATS) Bertie, have some breakfast.
I can't.
I'm on a mission.
It'll wait.
Come on.
You're smart, Ev.
Welcome home, Eddie.
Look.
You've got room for F and R in front so you can use it again.
EV: Oh.
What for? Freddie Miller.
He's your beau, isn't he? Ooh! (BOTH LAUGH) (TRAIN TOOTS) BERTIE: Eddie's a fighting Anzac and Mr Watson won't even let me pay off one shilling.
And he charges too much for everything.
If Dad were here, he would have given him a talking to.
(BIKE BELL RINGS) Fair dinkum, everybody's afraid of the telegraph boy.
(HORSE WHINNIES) (GASPS) Ev! Is it Eddie? No, it's Freddie.
I had to borrow cotton.
From next door.
I was there when she got the telegram.
He's dead.
SID: Hey, champ.
You better get your mum, eh? SID: Bert, get your mum, eh? Bert! I've gotta give my coal to Miss Miller.
Don't you dare! She's lost Tom and Freddie.
That's two.
Two boys.
Don't you dare go in there, Bertie Forsythe! It's not my fault he got killed! Everybody's getting killed and it's not my fault! I want my dad! I want my dad! Eddie give you that, did he? No, my dad.
Before the war killed him.
I want to get a present for Eddie.
That's good, mate! It's at Mr Watsors, but I still got a shilling to go.
I paid off almost a pound already.
(WHISTLES) Struth! What are you getting him? A little bit of gold? I gotta get it for him, Sid.
Why don't we send the hat around at the hospital? No.
It's my present.
It's from me.
Alright, fair enough, then.
You tell some jokes, eh? A lot of blokes would pay to see that.
Bit of a captive audience in the place, eh? You'll cheer 'em up properly.
What about a magic show? SID: Eh? Ah, you know some magic? I know where to get a magic book.
SID: Hey, champ.
Maybe I'll wait out the back, eh? Why? You should see his shop.
It's like Merlirs cave.
Hello! G'day, miss.
He's a nice, fat little fella.
Dad! Hello, Bert.
Hello, Mr Watson.
G'day, Mr Watson.
I'm Sid.
I'm a friend of Bertie.
What can I do for you? Can I get the magic book I saw earlier? The one for a ha'penny? Ah.
Changed your mind, have you? Yeah.
Alright.
You'd both better wait here.
(FRISKY MUSIC) (COIN CLINKS) (BERTIE RETCHES) (CONTINUES RETCHING) SID: Hey, hey.
BERTIE: The eight of diamonds.
Uh-uh.
Six of diamonds? Nah-uh.
Ace of spades? (LAUGHS) Want to see the coin trick? Go on.
Good one, champ.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (JAUNTY MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC FADES) Bert! It's gonna look stupid! You need to pull something out of the hat.
(FRISKY MUSIC) (DOOR CREAKS) (DOOR CREAKS) (FRISKY MUSIC) (PERSON COUGHS) Come on, miss.
We're here now.
Plenty of time for the waterworks later on.
(SPEAKS LOUDLY) Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, may I have your attention, please? I am the magician, Marmalade the Magnificent.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) (WHISTLING) Now, may I introduce to you my beautiful assistant! (LAUGHTER) MAN: Whoo! The card you hold in your hand Is it the eight of diamonds? He's right, mate.
He's got it.
Eight of diamonds.
AUDIENCE: Oh! (WOMAN LAUGHS) Some of you may know this trick.
Therefore, you can guess what's coming.
But what you don't know is how it's done.
It's a magical mystery.
Now, here's your chance.
Everybody watch closely.
(BERTIE CONTINUES DRUMMING HAT) Nothing inside.
(BLOWS LOUDLY) (LAUGHTER) (CONTINUES BLOWING) Here it is.
Did you see it? AUDIENCE: No.
No? I don't know how you missed it.
'Cause here we have (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (SCREAMS) Charles! I conjured him out of nothing.
Don't I get any thanks? This is outrageous.
(WHISTLING) MAN: Whoo-hoo! I'm sorry.
(WHISTLING) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CONTINUES) (JAUNTY MUSIC) Well? I'm I'm really sorry, Mr Watson.
It's not me you should apologise to, is it? Mr Watson, I was never going to hurt him.
I just I thought it was a joke.
Not a very funny joke though, was it? What would your father think of you at this moment? Anything else? I I got all the money, Mr Watson.
I got the shilling here You still expect me to sell it to you? Eddie's coming back today.
Hey, Mr Watson? You reckon this is a match? I can look out of it.
I can see left.
I can see right.
And left, and right.
And up, and down.
Truth is, Mr Watson, I don't mind too much that I lost this eye, 'cause I've seen too much with it.
Now, Bertie here, he just wants to give his brother a little present when he come home, eh? You should let him have it, Mr Watson, for a serviceman.
Give me the money.
Thank you, Mr Watson.
Thank you.
(BELL TINKLES) Arggh! EDNA: I thought he was dead! I thought he was dead! I thought they'd eaten him! Please, don't! Please! My dad gave me that! (SOBS) Please, don't! (SOBS) (HORSE SNORTS) "To get you back in the walk of life.
" Why didn't you wrap it last night? It's only five minutes, eh? Eddie's not going anywhere.
(LAUGHS) There he is.
Eddie! Eddie! SID: Come on, champ! You alright? What? Are me flies undone or something? Oh, Eddie! Oh, Eddie! Settle down, Mum.
(LAUGHS) I'm out of it now.
And how're you going, Sid? Good, mate.
Can't complain.
Yeah, course you can't.
'Cause who would flamir listen, eh? (ALL LAUGH) (THUD!) Snap.
I didn't want to open this without you.
Don't.
Why not? (LAUGHS) It's not funny! "To get you back in the walk of life.
" (LAUGHS) That's funny, mate.
It's a fine pair of shoes, Bert.
It's the best I ever owned.
And I know what you had to do to get 'em, so it means a lot to me.
It's stupid! Hey, I still need one shoe.
You can't buy singles.
You ever noticed that? Why didn't you tell us?! I did, mate.
I sent a letter, but no-one got it, though I don't know if that's much of a surprise.
Are you coming down from there, or do I have to come up and get ya? Alright.
(GRUNTS) (LAUGHS) (GRUNTS) Thank God for that.
(PANTS) It's just a leg, mate.
I didn't lose me arms, I didn't get gassed, I didn't get shell-shocked, I'm not blind, and I'm not dead.
I'm one of the lucky ones.
(SIGHS) Look at this, mate.
The world is a beautiful place.
SID: Eddie! Eddie! They've signed it! The armistice! It's over, mate.
The war's over! (SID AND EDDIE LAUGH) (BELL TOLLS) (SID AND EDDIE CONTINUE LAUGHING) (MEN OUTSIDE SING 'IT'S A LONG WAY TO TIPPERARY') (SIGHS) (MEN SING) @ It's a long, long way to Tipperary @ But my heart's right there @ G'day.
I'm sorry about your rabbit.
I wanted to get these shoes for Eddie, and Iook at him.
Well, at least now you look like a clown, as well as you act like one.
Wait on.
I made you a puppet.
(BERTIE SPEAKS AS PUPPET) Don't listen to him.
I made you a human.
But he got stuck to my bottom.
Can you get him off? Help! Help! He's after me! Help! Help! Oh, that's a relief.
He was giving me the pip.
@ to go @ It's a long way to Tipperary @ To the sweetest girl I know @ Goodbye, Piccadilly @ Farewell, Leicester Square @ It's a long, long way to Tipperary @ But my heart's right there.
@ MAN: Hey! (ALL SING) @ Pack up your troubles in your old kitbag @ And smile, smile, smile @ While you've a lucifer @ (SPEAKS AS PUPPET) You're a loonie.
@ Smile, boys, that's the style @ What's the use of worrying @ It never was won'thwhile @ So pack up your troubles in your old kitbag @ And smile, smile, smile.
@ (ALL CHEER) (INTRIGUING MUSIC) (GIRLS LAUGH) GIRL: Wait for me! GIRL: It's just like heaven.
(GIRL SQUEALS) Duck for cover! Cover!