New Girl s01e10 Episode Script

- Fifty dollars in the douche bag jar? WlNSTON: Absolutely.
NlCK: Absolutely.
- Why so much? I feel like it should be more in the 100, 200 range - so that's a discount.
- Think about what you did, Schmidt.
I lost it.
I've lost the party bus.
- The party bus for your birthday party? SCHMlDT: Yeah.
Apparently, my business isn't as important as Frankie Muniz's.
They canceled.
There's nothing I can do.
The party's off.
You should torch them on Yelp.
I can do it.
I have an account under the name Fantastic Jacques.
He's a French diplomat with very little patience.
Or you could just get another bus.
In two days? Heh.
Okay.
Yeah, sure, Winston.
Why don't I just go down to the party bus store where all the party buses have a state-of-the-art sound system a stripper pole, a love grotto and a steering wheel in the shape of a boob.
You honk the nipple.
It's pretty awesome.
Just have the party at a bar.
Nick, this is it.
This is my 29th birthday party.
This is the year.
After this, I don't know, it's just Just all darkness.
Was he crying a little? [SlNGlNG.]
Hey, girl What you doing? Hey, girl Where you going? Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess.
[NlCK WHlSTLES.]
[MELLOW POP MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
Too hot, I'm too cold Hey, I just came to make sure you're okay.
I'm not okay, Jess.
I had to cancel my birthday party.
It's social suicide.
I can feel my "it" factor going away.
- What am I gonna tell Benjamin? - Why are you worried about Benjamin? - He's your friend.
- We have a very weird girl-style friendship where we kind of hate each other.
We're "bronemies.
" He's my "fremesis.
" I'm so confused right now.
Okay, Benjamin and l were suitemates in college.
I can't wait to get to L.
A.
We're gonna have so much sex.
In the morning, in the afternoon, at bedtime.
Mm, peanuts.
I'm telling you, I'm gonna run that town one day.
You'll see.
I'm gonna write you a check right now for a hundred million.
- Damn, dude.
- And this is a real check.
You can cash it when I'm rich and awesome.
Give me about four years.
Do the song.
[SlNGlNG.]
We built this Schmidty We built this Schmidty On Tootsie Rolls [BOTH LAUGHlNG.]
If it wasn't for Benjamin, I never would have become a Los Angeles baller.
Holla.
I changed everything about myself, Jess.
I lost all the weight, I changed my clothes.
I even dropped my voice half an octave but it wasn't enough.
I guess I'll just never be cool enough, Jess.
get sidetracked Okay, I've got it.
We are gonna throw Schmidt a birthday party.
- No.
- Yes, it's his 29th birthday and we care.
Schmidt's world is different than ours.
They speak a different language.
They shorten every word to one syllable.
Okay, he once called an oven an "ovs.
" He calls an airport "airp.
" - He called ketchup "ketch.
" - Last month he went to a party called "Bros Before Ho's on the Moon.
" What does that even mean? The dress code was "yacht flair.
" - What? - Schmidt has a friend who legally - changed his name to Doinit.
- Ted Doinit.
Just one word: Doinit.
You are not emotionally, mentally and spiritually prepared to throw these D-bags a party.
I'm gonna do some research.
Actually, I'm sorry, I do have to go.
Where you going? Why you wearing - jury-duty pants? - I'm not, man, I'm just-- Mumble, mumble.
Come on, it's a lawyer party, it's a classic fifth date.
What are you talking about? I'm not gonna apologize.
- Nothing to apologize for.
I owe you nothing.
- I'm having a fun time.
I love wearing a Bill Cosby sweater in front of lawyers younger than me.
[lMlTATES BlLL COSBY.]
Hello, I'm Bill Cosby.
Do you like pudding? My son's name is Theo and his best friend is Cockroach.
- That supposed to be Cosby? - [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
As good as I can do.
- Let's see yours.
- How he sounds? [lMlTATES BlLL COSBY.]
I want to get some more pudding.
That's the worst Bill Co-- How about this? [lMlTATES BlLL COSBY.]
I got a daughter named Rudy Huxtable, and she's the cutest of all my daughters.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
I'm really glad that you're here with me.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Yeah, I'm happy you let me be here.
No, I really am because I gotta kiss all the asses of these 24-year-old law students to try to get them to work here.
- I went to law school.
- You went to law school? Yes.
I quit.
- Quit law school, why? - Yes.
Because I realized I hated lawyers.
He says to the lawyer.
And for some reason, I find you ridiculously attractive for saying that.
Why don't you kiss my ass, then? Look, Julia, I got turned around.
I thought we were doing a flirty-- I'm just kidding.
I do want to do that.
Oh, you would? We can make that happen.
- Great.
- Let's go.
- Let's go to your place.
- Go to your place.
Do you mind? Are you married or what? No, no, no.
I'm not married.
I am the opposite of married.
Before you, there was nothing.
I've got, like, no girls on the horizon.
In a hot way.
Then why don't you ever invite me to your place? Or, like, tell me all that much about yourself? It's weird.
I don't even know where you live.
I'm 30 years old, and I live in a loft with three roommates.
In a hot way.
[lMlTATES BlLL COSBY.]
But maybe you can kiss my butt when I talk like Bill Cosby.
- All right, let's go.
Uh-huh.
- ls that gonna work? Weird stuff works with you.
Hi, yes, I'd like to order a last-minute stripper.
Oh, um, preferably of Asian heritage.
Very bendy, with a heart of gold.
And a crotch of gold.
Hmm? Yeah, I'll hold.
- Hey, this is Julia.
- Hi.
- We're just saying hi.
- Nice to meet you.
Welcome to our home.
One second.
We're doing a surprise party for Schmidt.
- Who is that? - I didn't tell you? - No.
- Heh.
That's our other roommate.
- Our other roommate.
- You should come Saturday.
- Yes.
JULlA: Cool.
Yeah.
- Stay as far from that party as possible.
- ls it a presents thing or more like a donations-to-charity situation? No? - Just bring yourself.
- You want to head to my room? Give you the rest of the tour.
- Great, yeah.
- Great.
JESS: Bye.
NlCK: Bye.
Okay, cool.
- Hey, Winston, why'd you do that? - Are you hiding her from us? Are you ashamed of your friends? A hundred percent.
You're not my friend now.
You're my enemy.
- Give me a kiss.
NlCK: My enemy.
NlCK: No, that's the problem.
- Give me a kiss.
Thank you, Ms.
Phatbooty, you're the best.
[JESS LAUGHS.]
Yes, I just hired my first stripper.
Anything else I should get? [SNlFFS.]
Do you like jazz cigarettes? Hi, Tanya.
Patti told me that-- Patti told you to break in my office to look for drugs? [LAUGHS.]
Hey, J.
K.
kidding.
J.
K.
kidding.
You can do whatever you want.
I didn't know you liked to shop at the confiscation station.
So, what are you looking for? Grass? - I can do locker search on Monday.
- Monday is too late because Oh.
So, what you got cooking this weekend? You have to tell me.
I'm your boss.
What is it? Listing? Paperless Post? I'm free Friday.
But I can also make Saturday or Sunday work.
What are you doing? I'm making an egg-yellows omelet.
The shallots and gouda are gonna congeal.
- I can't-- What is this? ALL: Happy birthday! - It's a party bus.
- I'm so excited.
Whoa, Jess, you really did all this for me? Okay, so over here is kosher yogurt and honey.
- Kosher yog? - We got some condoms over here.
- Small, large, whatever.
- I would use-- I don't wanna know.
And the R-rated section in the back with the stripper pole.
It's normally used for stability.
But tonight, it's gonna be used for 50-dollars' worth of semi-nudity.
Coincidentally, I'm wearing my lap dance pants.
- This is, like, your world, huh? - No.
It is.
It's you in your natural habitat.
It's fascinating.
I'm here for Schmidt.
I don't know these people.
- Nicholas.
What's up, N-word? - Don't call me "N-word.
" - I don't know this guy.
- How's your family in Chicago? They're really good, thanks for asking.
They're all healthy.
Oh, look at this big old pile of birthday Schmidt.
[BOTH LAUGHlNG.]
Mind if I get a ride on your school bus? I don't wanna be late for first period.
[ALL LAUGHlNG.]
Why you got to do me like that, Benjamin? - What's up, boys? - What up? Sing us your birthday song.
- Oh, you have a birthday song? - All right, guys, come on.
Sing it, come on.
[SlNGlNG.]
We built this Schmidty - We built this Schmidty - We built this Schmidty - On rock-- - On Tootsie Rolls JESS: Is that the lyric? - We used to make him sing that because he was fat.
- You know I'm just playing at you.
- Yeah, hilarity, my man.
Hilarity.
BENJAMlN: Come on, man.
- You really live with that guy, huh? - Yeah, I really do.
Does he, like, tuck his shiny jeans into boots when he goes out at night? The truth is I met Schmidt a long time ago when we were in college and he was this sweet, chubby communications major - who wore cargo shorts-- - I'm just messing with you.
Seriously, I think all of your friends seem completely awesome and nice and fun, so relax.
You don't have to say that.
You can tease them.
- I don't wanna tease them.
- I tease them.
Schmidt's a d-bag.
You know, not in a bad way.
And Jess is a total nut.
And Winston is like this competitive maniac who loves Sister, Sister and he's afraid of thunder.
I'm the voice of-- - He's behind you.
- Right now he is? Currently.
- And he's also one of my best friends.
- Oh, no, keep going.
- You wanna go on the bus? - Yeah, let's go on the bus.
I'm sorry, man, I was just saying that to show off for her.
- I am bringing you down.
Heh, heh.
- Don't bring me down.
[ALL CHATTERlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY.]
- Bro juice? - Vodka pom, right? - Winston said it was a tradish.
- Look, Benjamin's smiling.
- Jess, you did so good.
MARTlN: This stripper pole weight-bearing? Looks like some pretty shoddy workmanship on the cap flange.
- Can I help you? - Martin Fuller.
Grindpals.
com.
Hi, I'm Jessica Day.
I spoke with your supervisor on the telephone.
Oh, are you bringing the stripper? Because I'd really like to see her jugs first.
You know, just so I do right by my bro.
We have a little miscommunicado.
Did you make the call? Because if they hear a woman's voice, then they send me.
I'm your stripper, folks.
Hey, need to clear this aisle.
I gotta have perimeter-- JESS: No.
- Please, you can't-- - Are you the birthday boy? SCHMlDT: I am.
You are gonna love it.
I do wet-towel tricks.
- No, he does not like-- - I don't judge.
I just wanna have fun.
- Sir, you are not gonna-- - I don't want to be rude, but times are hard.
It is Saturday night, so if I get hired to take my clothes off I'm gonna get naked.
So I'll put my bag down - and I'll take my pants off.
- No, I'll handle this.
Fix it.
JESS: Hey.
Hey.
Mr.
Fuller.
Mr.
Fuller.
Mr.
Fuller? It's getting a little nippy out.
Not a good time to start turtling.
Come on out.
- Jess, make it stop.
- I'm gonna pay you $50 to never show us your penis.
What about tips? I make my living on tips.
Well, can you do anything else for money? I'm a baritone at my gospel choir at First Presbyterian.
ALL: Whoo! JESS: Everybody.
Hey.
Welcome to Schmidt's 29th! [ALL CHEERlNG.]
Safety is of the utmost importance so the person sitting next to you is gonna be your bus buddy.
Any time you're up and about, please wear one of these fashion helmets.
- And I brought drugs.
- Tanya has half a pot cookie so maybe she'll share if you're lucky.
Okay, everybody have fun! Martin, sing us out.
[SlNGlNG.]
Oh, when he comes And when he comes - He's gonna come for you - No stripping.
Oh, sweet salvation Oh, when he comes Fifty dollars.
I've never put $50 in the douchebag jar.
Well, that's really impressive, Schmidt, considering Someone's personalized condoms just came in the mail.
Hey.
Jar.
Twenty dollars.
Winston, did you know that NWA didn't stand for "Never Walk Alone"? Thirty dollars.
Jar.
- Hey, Nick.
- No! Jar, Schmidt! Jar! For what? Somehow, Schmidt, you've outdone yourself this time.
It was my birthday.
I was very drunk.
All right, everybody, I think we need to take shots.
A little bro-juice.
Shot for Benjamin.
- For Benjamin is the king.
- I'm the king! JESS: No, I think we need to take a shot for Schmidt because he is the birthday boy.
- Bro juice! Bro juice! Bro juice! - What's "bro juice"? - I have no idea.
- Really? Nick Miller invented bro juice on Schmidt's 22nd birthday.
- Remember that? - Double deuce.
ALL: Bro juice! Bro juice! Get over here and sip on your bro juice! ALL: Bro juice! Bro juice! All right, Schmidt.
This is not gonna be attractive.
- That's what I'm talking about.
WlNSTON: Yeah! Oh, yeah! NlCK: You know we're too old for this, don't you? Oh, definitely.
Happy birthday, brother.
I love you.
- Yeah! - Happy birthday, Schmidty! ALL: Whoo! [ALL CHEERlNG.]
- Bro juice! - Bro juice! [ST.
JOHN'S "GONNA FLY TONlGHT" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
When I say "Par," you say "Tay.
" - Par.
ALL: Tay! - Par.
ALL: Tay! Holla! Whoo! - What am I doing? - lt makes you think, huh? Twenties, they're almost over, man.
It's crazy.
- Are you hitting that? - Jess? - No.
- Well, then I think I'll help myself.
To sex with your friend.
No, Benjamin, you can't.
Not with Jess.
Please don't.
I can.
I can, and I will.
JESS: Good evening, night owls.
It's about to get bubonic in here.
That's right.
We're going to The Plague.
Sorry.
It's just "Plague.
" It's a discotheque.
We'll be going there next.
Whose list are you on? Tristan's? Isn't it just like a bar or something? [HlP HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
What do you pull down a year in the game? Ever since I started doing full frontal, I pull down seven K a year, easy.
Why? You interested in the life? Me? A male stripper? Come on.
You're too kind.
But you know, theoretically, if I were to get into the game what are they looking for, in the gator department? You know what I mean? Or is it just moving so fast that it doesn't really matter? It's all about storytelling, taking them on a journey.
Let me ask you some basics.
When you thrust what's your range of motion, side to side? Go left, fight right.
What about your testicles? Are they, more or less, symmetrical? Size, yes.
- Location, no.
- What about your persona? - Like, a fireman or a cop? - I didn't ask you your character.
Your persona.
- I'm a Wolf-Hawk.
What are you? - Luxury.
Dessert.
I'm a warrior poet, man.
That's it.
I got a number for you to call.
You ever hook up with the ladies? It's ladies, like, one out of 10 times, at most.
- You're dancing for dudes? - Yeah, I'm dancing for dudes.
All right, I'm sorry, okay? You're so quiet.
- You're having a terrible time.
- Don't mean-- I'm probably just intimidated.
I'm sitting next to the inventor of bro juice.
- I get it, okay? - That's-- I'm gonna brag about that.
I did.
I invented bro juice, okay? And now you want-- You're done.
- What? - When we get off the bus - it's over.
I blew it.
- Ridiculous.
I don't care about it.
I really don't.
Everyone's got embarrassing stuff.
- I have stuff that you don't know about.
- Like what? Just don't lie to me about stuff, and we'll be fine.
Fine.
When I work out, which isn't often I listen to Huey Lewis.
It pumps me up.
Not ironically.
Wanna hear something else? - Okay.
- I don't believe dinosaurs existed.
I don't believe it.
Wanna hear something else? I think I'm good.
And I believe you, and I appreciate all of this truth-telling.
- I don't think you have stuff.
- All right.
You're just perfect.
Ha, ha.
Yeah.
- Hey, scooch.
- Oh.
Okay.
Hi.
- So I texted Tristan.
- Oh.
Okay.
- He said he could get us into Plague.
JESS: Oh.
That's terrific.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Just you and me, of course.
So why don't you ditch that zero and get with the hero.
The hero is my penis.
Oh.
Uh - No.
BENJAMlN: Am I bad? Hey, Benjamin, come on, just leave her alone, man.
[SCOFFS.]
Whatever.
Schmidt, your party slugs, bro.
- All right, you know what-- - Schmidt, this party is the worst.
Come on, man.
This party is badass, all right? Don't act like I didn't see you over there eating all the charcut-- - The charcut-- - Charcuterie.
- Don't act like I didn't see you eating-- - Charcuterie.
WlNSTON: Charcuterie.
Know what, Curly? You don't like the bus, then get off it, pal.
- Schmidty's birthday, bud.
- You guys suck.
Let me talk to him.
I'm a lawyer.
Can I just have a word? Please.
- Why don't you say that one more time.
- Oh.
You guys suck-- ALL: Oh.
JESS: Look out! [GRUNTlNG.]
Hold on! Oh.
Is everyone okay? - Yes.
No worries, Jess.
- ls everybody okay? - I'm so sor-- - What are you, nuts? - Oh, God.
BENJAMlN: Aah! Who are you? TANYA: Ha, ha.
You like these? A- boom! JESS: Tanya, please stop flashing the driver.
Are you like the Bourne Identity person? I've got these-- Like, these anger-management issues.
- Anger management? - But I'm trying to fix it.
I go to all these class-- They're court-ordered classes.
- And what was, like, all this stuff? - It's martial arts.
I started doing martial arts ironically, because I thought it would give me a little bit more Zen in my life.
You must be really freaked out right now.
- Yes, I am really freaked out.
- I'm so sorry.
I hate that I'm so turned on by your craziness-- - Go with it.
- I'm going with it.
- You guys cool waiting for the tow truck? - Fine.
See you at the loft.
Bye, guys.
Happy birthday.
SCHMlDT: Thank you.
JESS: Bye, Julia.
Bye, Bro Juice.
- Thank you for that.
SCHMlDT: Bro J, my man.
So it's my birthday.
- Right now? - Right now.
- Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday, Schmidt.
I'm 29, folks! What's up? Twenty-nine! [JESS GlGGLES.]
Twenty-nine! Can you please not tell anybody I just did that? That feels embarrassing.
You know what? I don't care what people think.
Think I care too much about what people think? - Maybe a little bit.
- Maybe.
Did you have fun tonight? Because I know it was a little bit flawed.
Jess, are you kidding me? Tonight was tens across the board.
- No splash.
- Ha, ha.
Good.
No, for real.
Nobody's ever done that for me before.
Anytime, Schmidt.
Anytime.
Schmidt, why are you looking at me like that? Ooh.
Shh.
Because you had You had fuzz on your face.
- No, no, because I thought-- - Oh, my God.
- You had fuzz on-- A piece of-- - Jar.
Schmidt.
It was a piece of fuzz.
It was right there and just: - Just put it in the jar, Schmidt.
- Come on.
No excuses.
WlNSTON: You tried to kiss her.
- Okay.
For you guys.
NlCK: Okay.
Happy birthday.
- Twenty-nine! - Ten more.
[WlNSTON LAUGHS.]
Sorry about that.
SCHMlDT: Ugh.
Frankie Muniz.
Ooh, Jess, I just found a Groupon for hypnosis lessons.
Think about what you can do with that.
- Sex stuff.
JESS: Jar.
- Guys, has anyone seen my good pea coat? WlNSTON: Jar.
- Seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve? NlCK: Jar! Darn it.
Has anyone seen my croquet cleats? Hey, Jess, have you seen my other timepiece? I came up with the best name for an uncircumcised penis.
- Bishop in a turtleneck.
NlCK: Aah! Jar.
Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere!