Night Court (1984) s01e10 Episode Script

- Hi.
- Hi.
Look at this.
Every year during a heat wave somebody always fries an egg on the sidewalk.
Then they print a picture of it in the newspaper.
This is the egg.
- Then what is this? - Oh, yeah.
I heard about that on the news.
How can anybody think skydiving is a safe sport? Hi, gang.
Hot enough for you? Have you noticed how he never sweats? I don't understand.
I think everybody sweats.
Except snakes.
- I read that.
- Where? At the dentist.
Hi, gang.
Hot enough for you? How many times have you heard that today? - You want a lick? - Pass.
- Harry, have you got any pants on? - No.
The radio said it's only gonna get down to the high 80s and the humidity - Harry.
- You really don't? - No.
Here.
Look.
- Shorts.
- With knee-high black socks they'll never know.
Here's the guy we're looking for.
Art, what's going on? How come no air conditioning? Yeah.
It's 20 degrees hotter in here than it is outside.
What is this? I don't get "hello" or a "how are you.
" I get complaints.
You people crack me up.
- Hello, Art.
How are you? - Fine, thanks.
Yourself? Not bad.
Just a little heatstroke.
Why not fix the air conditioning, Art? Nothing to fix.
The a.
c.
Is fine.
I just turned it off.
- What? - Hey, rules is rules.
I got a memo right here from the mayor himself.
He says, "We gotta lessen the burden on our already overtaxed electrical systems.
" - So to prevent a power failure - I'm taking out the light bulbs.
Right.
Hey, what the? Hey, yo, unplug that puppy right now.
The responsibility is awesome.
The court fines the defendant $50.
Next case, Your Honor.
- Art! - Yo! - What's going on? - I'm tapping the wall.
I can hear that.
Why? To be prepared for a brownout with the emergency generator on this floor so I gotta find a wall receptacle.
- I'll rip this place apart if I have to.
- Yeah.
- Just do it quietly, huh? - You won't even know I'm here.
I swear.
Next case, Miss Wagner.
State v.
Yakov Korolenko, Your Honor, Possession of stolen materials with intent to sell.
Watches.
- Yakov Korolenko.
- Hello, Joe.
Might we have a language problem here? We definitely might.
My client speaks only a few words of English and we haven't been able to find a Russian interpreter.
- But we are working on it.
- Yes, sir.
I understand you're looking for somebody that speaks Russian.
- Do you speak Russian? - No, but I'll give it a shot.
- Thanks.
We'll manage.
- I'm gonna run and get some flex cable.
Have a ball.
Considering the facts, there's nothing we can do but continue the case until we find an interpreter for Mr.
Korolenko.
Well, may I request that my client be released on bail until that time? - Mr.
Prosecutor? - I'm afraid the people can't agree.
As of yet, we don't know who he is or what he is.
Go, Yankees! Lou Pinella.
I rest my case.
I'm afraid the court must agree.
Until we can be sure of his reputation and responsibility I think the prudent course to take is clear.
Mr.
Korolenko.
- Yakov.
- Right.
Yaki.
Yes.
Mr.
Korolenko I know you don't understand a word I'm saying but it appears that you may have broken the law.
$29.
95.
Undoubtedly a fair price, but that is not the question before us.
I want you to receive a fair trial.
We do not want to send an innocent man to jail.
Jail? No jail.
No! No jail! I think we found another word he knows.
- No jail.
- You don't understand.
Look at him, Your Honor.
He's scared.
Of course he's scared.
I'm sure his concept of jail includes visions of midnight raids, secret police, torture.
Torture? No! No torture! No! Quite a little vocabulary he has there.
- Art! - Yo! - Is that gasoline? - Yeah.
- What's it for? - It's for the generator.
I figured I'd save a trip, especially since I shut the elevator down for the night.
We're on the 18th floor! Women just don't understand power consumption, do they? - I'm gonna put this over here, okay? - Quietly, please.
Miss Williams, I'm afraid there's nothing more I can do now but have Mr.
Korolenko wait in the holding pen.
- Holding pen? - It's like a little jail.
- Jail? No! - Bull.
- No jail! No! - Okay.
Come on, you.
Oh, no! Hey, put a lid on it, will you? - Cool it! - Bull, he does not speak English.
Listen, you.
I am gonna take you in there so just cut the chatter.
Oh, no! That poor man.
He's so terrified.
Remember that he comes from a system where anyone can be arrested on the street and, without valid explanation, be put behind bars for an indefinite amount of time without a trial.
Kind of like we just did.
- No! No jail! No! No! - Grab that guy! Mr.
Korolenko! - No! - Yakov! - Yakov.
- Harry, be careful.
I know things seem desperate right now, but believe me, it's not that bad.
Don't do anything foolish.
Okay.
Don't do anything else foolish.
All right.
Yakov, take it easy.
Everyone, take it easy.
We can work this thing out.
There is no danger here.
No danger? Don't make me laugh.
This whole building's like a tinder box.
- Art - One wrong flick of that pick and boom, we're history.
Please! See any film on the Hindenburg? Art, not now! Yakov, relax.
Take it easy.
Don't go bursting into flames on me now, okay? He wants to leave.
- No bang-bang.
You heard him.
Get out.
Put the bang-bangs away and get out.
- Bull, clear the courtroom.
- Okay.
Everybody out.
I wanna see those legs pumping, people.
We're just letting the innocent people go.
Just stay calm and be cool.
You got to admit, the kid is cool in a crisis.
Okay.
That's enough with the lighter already.
This whole place could become a blazing inferno.
This is turning into a maintenance man's nightmare.
All right.
Everyone, clear out of here.
We are not gonna leave you here alone.
I really don't think this is the time to question the judge's authority.
- I'm not leaving either.
- Will you listen to yourselves, people? - Liz! - This is my client and I'm staying.
What we have here is a frightened, lonely, confused human being.
A stranger in our land alone in his misery and I, for one, will not desert him in this, this desperate time of need.
Yakov Elizabeth is here until the end.
Cuckoo? Liz, for God's sake.
- My client.
I'm staying.
- My courtroom.
You're gone.
Bull, the key.
- Dan, he wants you to do it.
- Me? Why? Well, perhaps he feels you're less threatening.
Why? Because I didn't make any foolish moves toward him like everybody else? I'm 6'4".
I don't have to flaunt it.
Dan.
Give me the key.
Keep rolling us on the ground until the flames are out.
You've got to be kidding.
There.
There.
There.
You happy? Tony Curtis, Sidney Poitier.
What was the name of that movie? - Harry, he's taking them hostage.
- Hostage? No.
No hostage.
Yakov.
No Ayatollah Khomeini.
Oh, boy.
Those psychotic headaches, little voices telling him what to do stabbing pains in the temples.
Vamoose, buckaroos.
This stuff always happens after you finish buffing the floors.
I can hear the gasoline just eating the wax away.
All right, now, no questions.
Everyone, get out.
- The key? - Do you wanna search him? I'll get you out of those in a jiffy.
I got a power saw No power saw.
The energy crisis.
What am I thinking about? Is there anything I can do? - Speed up that search for an interpreter.
- You got it.
Selma, Bull, no one comes in here without my say-so.
Right.
Come on, Selma.
You know, I don't care what they say.
I haven't had a cigarette in a half-hour.
I don't feel any better.
Yakov let's talk.
All right.
Thank you.
There's no answer at the Russian consulate and the U.
N.
Thinks I'm crazy.
Find a Russian restaurant.
Somebody there must speak Russian.
- Great idea.
- Thanks.
I'll be right back.
I'm gonna get the Yellow Pages.
- I'm thirsty.
How about you? - No.
Thank you.
I must have had six, seven cups of coffee this evening.
Hey, listen, Dan, if you really have to Okay.
Just an offer.
Maybe I could wear a blindfold.
Hey, I'm sorry I took so long, but a pipe broke in the men's room.
I had to fix it.
It was really something.
Water gushing everywhere.
Everything dripping into pools all over the place.
Start cutting.
You know what really makes me crazy? Cocktail parties.
Don't you hate them? Idle conversation with people you got nothing in common with.
You know, even though we speak different languages I have a feeling that we're the same kind of person.
The only difference is that I speak English and you are covered with gasoline.
Since we're gonna be spending so much time together we might as well be pals.
I'm Harry.
Harry.
Yakov.
Harry.
That's it.
Very good.
Now give me the lighter.
No, no, Harry.
Right.
Yakov, what can I do to make you believe that I am your friend? - Friend.
- Yeah.
Friend.
Buddy.
Pal.
- Comrade.
- Comrade.
Yeah.
Comrade.
Harry, comrade.
Comrade, friend.
- Friend, tovarisch.
- Yeah.
Tovarisch, pal.
- Pal.
- Buddy.
- Buddy.
- Give me the lighter, buddy.
No way, Jose.
You've been saving that one, haven't you? Boy, these handcuffs must be made out of your hardened carbon steel.
And this was Sears' best.
You're a Russian restaurant.
I mean, surely there must be somebody there who speaks Russian.
Well, what about the owner? Perhaps you could call him and Sheik who? Look, relax, okay? Bull said he could have a duplicate key made by morning.
What? You mean like five, six hours? That morning? I'll be thinking about it.
If I come up with something, I'll come right back.
Excuse me.
I gotta fix the shower in the guards' lounge.
Been dripping for about a month.
I can't seem to get it.
Drip, drip, drip.
Must lose 30, 40 gallons per day.
You do? Great.
I've got somebody who can speak Russian.
Can you get down to the criminal courts building right away? We need a translator.
What? You're kidding.
- He'll only come if we place an order.
- Order.
Okay.
I'll take some borscht.
What? It's a $20 minimum on to-go orders.
Okay.
Order me some blintzes.
I'm starving.
Borscht and some blintzes and Anything to drink? Yakov, you've gotta put an end to this pretty soon.
Eventually you're just gonna get tired and fall asleep.
Or you're gonna get tired and accidentally kill us both.
Yeah.
I have seen the lighter, Yakov.
You got to put an end to this, if not for your sake, then for your family.
Now, surely you've got a family.
- Family.
- Family.
Look.
Here's mine.
See? That's my Aunt Ruthie and that's my Uncle Otto and that, that is Doris Day.
She came with the wallet.
You got any pictures? Pictures.
Family.
You.
Family.
Family.
Family.
May I? Oh, you've got a picture of Brezhnev.
Brezhnev? Sonya.
- Sonya? - Sonya.
Oh, your wife.
Sonya.
My, what a sturdy woman.
Is she in New York? No New York.
Sonya Leningrad.
- Sonya's in Leningrad.
- Leningrad.
Let me guess.
You came here to get a job and earn enough money to bring Sonya over to be with you but you couldn't find work, not speaking the language and then one day you met a man and he sold you some stuff.
You didn't know it was stolen.
He took advantage of you.
Am I close? Well, it's probably something like that.
Oh, I could be wrong.
You may have indeed known that the stuff was stolen but I don't think so.
I just can't believe that of a man who has such a woman as Sonya.
Sonya.
Sonya and three dumpy little kids.
Yakov's.
All right, all right.
Please, please, hurry.
The food will be here in 20 minutes.
I'm gonna let Harry know that the interpreter is on his way.
Sit tight.
- How you doing? - Fine.
It really is just mind over matter.
I'll be all right.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Say, Liz, what's that perfume you're wearing? - Soiree.
Like it? - It's all right.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Liz? - Yes? I'm ready now.
- I can't hear anything.
- It just quieted down.
The judge was talking up a storm before.
- About what? - Cocktail parties, ugly kids Doris Day.
Doris Day? - Hi.
- Hi.
Where are you guys going? We gotta I'm going to We gotta Whoa, hey, what a mess.
It broke again.
Nobody's gonna be using that men's room for quite a long time.
Yakov, what's the point? I can't make you understand.
I just hope that someday you realize that the people you met here who took advantage of you are not representative of this country because in spite of all its faults most of us truly believe that America works.
Most of the time.
Harry.
Harry! I'm right here, Yakov.
Harry? Harry.
The voltage commutator must have tripped the emergency cutoff.
We'll be dark for hours.
Go figure.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
Fine.
- What happened? - Someone gave me a lighter.
Now if you'll excuse us, Yakov and I are gonna go get cleaned up.
- Right, tovarish? - Okay, buddy.
Your Honor don't you want me to do something with him? No way, Jose.
You had to be there.
Pass the red stuff.
Yummy, yummy, yummy.
What did Yakov say these crunchy things were? Toad something or other.
Hey, Dan, help yourself.
There's plenty left.
Dan, how you feeling?