Niko and the Sword of Light (2015) s01e10 Episode Script

Previously on Niko and the Sword of Light
A ping-beetle! That's gotta
be how Nar Est is tracking us!
Father had me learn 90 million
customs from around the world.
I truly wish I had
your faith in her, Sargous.
You have to sever the link.
You'd have no way
to contact us.
Corondolet would be cut off
from our source of magic.
Would you let humanity
fade to nothing?
Enough, Belatha.
We'll know when
they've succeeded.
For now, we wait.
At least there's nothing
in these parts
that's trying to crush us.
[roaring]
I am Niko, and this
is my Sword of Light!
I am here to free my people
and defeat the darkness
forever!
[roaring]
[screaming]
[loud stomping]
- Have no fear!
- No, Niko!
I shall dispatch this monster.
Monster?
Your group interrupts
my formal roaring practice,
and I'm the monster?
You offend me!
I was coming to see
if you were hurt.
Niko, put your sword away.
Sigurden,
I'm trying to practice
my formal roaring, ja?
Ja, apologies.
I came over to see
if these clumsy Shrufgumpers
were injured
and they call me names
and threaten me with a sword.
Ja? You should file
a complaint. Ja?
Ja! Please to come with
to Bureaucratis
where I can register offense.
It's protocol.
Of course, good creature.
Why don't you
lead the way?
- Hmm?
- Time to go.
Escape?
Wily Mandok!
An excellent idea!
No. Trying to run
would only make it worse.
These are Umlauti.
They can help us.
Stay cool.
"Cool?" It's freezing.
Colder than
an Ungamunt's breakfast.
The tribunal
is in session!
I am Secretary Offishiss.
One of you threatened
a citizen of Bureaucratis
with a weapon?
This is a grave offense.
Secretary Offishiss,
I am Princess Lyra
of Corondolet,
and this whole thing is
a big misunderstanding.
Corondolet? Truly?
[low snarling]
Are you here to re-establish
diplomatic relations?
Because, in that case,
you would have
diplomatic immunity.
What is this
"diplomatic immunity?"
It means you cannot be punished
for most infractions.
Oh really?
Diplomatic immunity!
Brave Umlauti!
You must aid us in our fight
against the evil Nar Est,
who has imprisoned Corondolet,
and casts an ever-darkening
shroud over the land!
- The nerve!
- Terrible protocol.
Niko!
[nervous chuckle]
He means we have much
to speak of
after our two great peoples
reestablish relations.
You may rest
in the Corondolet Suite.
It has not been used
in 768 years,
but we kept it tidy.
We shall have tea
in an hour, ja?
Tea! Um, ja. Great.
The accommodations
are most satisfactory.
Not too shabby.
Why are you so
ill at ease, Lyra?
This place has many rules,
and you do love rules.
We're having a tea ceremony!
You say those words
as if we were facing
a Mutanasaurus.
This is much worse.
The Umlauti are
real sticklers
for protocol.
If we offend them
in any way,
they'll throw us
in the Ice Caves
for an eternity.
We are having tea.
Is that not a beverage?
You'd be more worried
if you knew about
the Wrong Spoon War.
Or the Spilled Sugar Cubes
of Harvest Brunch,
or worst of all--
the Terrapinian
Hicca-Burping Incident.
Take a look.
This is the short version
of Umlauti customs and protocol.
The full version wouldn't
fit in this room.
Chapter 27, section 16,
paragraph 11, part C.
On meeting an Umlauti
wearing a hat,
in weather that does not
call for a hat,
it is best not to
comment on the hat.
Please do not make me read this.
Blast it, Niko! Blast it!
Read, if you need
something to do.
Whoa!
I have never seen myself
without pond ripples.
I am quite striking.
- Dark sorcery!
- Huh?
That's not sorcery, Niko.
That's home!
The palace of Corondolet!
How hard can it be to find
a pint-sized champion,
a bratty Princess,
and a rodent?
Especially when they
keep getting involved
in my master plan?
They do keep getting
involved in your business.
I just said that.
Were you not listening?
[groans]
Now, let's see.
Before my Ping-Beetle
went kaput--
Of course. They were
approaching the Peaks of Peril.
That's Umlauti territory.
If they manage to get
those beasts on their side,
it could tip the scales.
If you would just answer
the Umlauti diplomatic
questionnaire
Never!
I don't want allies, Rasper.
I want groveling subjects.
Like this Rabbitora.
Hey! I was gonna eat that!
You'll get nothing and like it.
Huh. That's a big fine
for shedding in public.
Come on, come on.
Staring at this seems
to not be the best use
of our time.
This is an opti-locutor.
I can't believe it's
still working.
If it's active on
the other side, it should--
There! Sargous! Belatha!
I told you the opti-locutor
had been activated!
Princess Lyra!
Thank goodness you're safe.
And the champion?
Is he with you?
Yes. I am Niko,
and I am honored
to serve.
There is no danger
I will not face,
no evil I will not fight,
and no water slide
I will not ride!
Niko and I are in Bureaucratis.
What are you doing there?
It's a long story,
but we're about to have tea
with the Secretary.
- Surely not!
- Oh, anguish and woe!
Yes. Never has sipping tea
been so treacherous.
Princess Lyra, the Umlauti
have the last great army
in the land.
You must gain them as allies.
I will do my best.
Wait.
Why is it so dark there?
Without the shard our
protective magic is weakening.
When it's gone,
the city and all
within it shall be lost.
We have but days left.
Provided that beastly bird
doesn't peck us to pieces
before that.
- I didn't know.
- You were right
to sever your link with us,
Princess.
Niko is truly
our last and only hope.
Fear not.
Nar Est will be defeated
and you shall be saved.
Act quickly, little champion.
For all our sakes.
And whatever you do
at the tea ceremony,
do not say thank you.
Sargous! Belatha!
Come back!
No matter.
It is up to us now.
Right. Get ready for
a crash course in tea
ceremony protocol, Niko.
You too, Mandok.
Did you know this thing
has a massage setting?
One minute of non-threatening
small talk begins now!
For the love of pudding
Secretary Offishiss
how has the weather been
in Bureaucratis?
[muttering]
Princess Lyra.
The weather here
has been
moderately nice.
Tea is served!
Wish I had diplomatic immunity
from people hollering.
You can do this.
A satisfactory start,
Princess of Corondolet.
Only twenty-eight steps
to go, ja?
Go and join my regiment
of evil, thus I command.
Some good work today.
When you love your job,
it's not really work.
[throat clear]
Umm, excuse me your
Lord High Evilness.
We have guards, right?
What? What now?
The hoo-man champion
de-cursed us again
with his horrible,
glowy stick.
We got hit by mistake.
Ohh, I said steak.
Now I'm hungry.
Evil Sir, we're sorry
for lettin' you down
and gettin' all
un-monsterized again.
We'd be real appreciative
for another chance.
Any other day,
I'd let Rasper eat you.
But today, I need you.
Yay, today!
Monsterize us!
[laughing]
And so, an alliance
against Nar Est would be
in our mutual interest.
If not, he will lay waste
to this beautiful,
functional city,
just as he did to Corondolet.
We cannot act
against Nar Est until
he declares
his intentions toward us,
by answering
our diplomatic query.
That's protocol.
What if he never answers,
and attacks while you wait?
What? No! He's not some
WayvernFjordinGordin.
As this matter stands,
our aid is limited to food,
shelter, washrooms,
and directions or maps
but not both,
and we may wish you well
on your journey.
Good luck on your journey.
What a rip.
Of course,
Secretary Offishiss.
Thank you.
- Oh, no.
- Thank you!
[roaring]
Good protocol means never
having to say thank you!
Seize them!
To the Ice Caves with you all!
For how long?
Five hundred years, of course!
On the plus side,
they are lovely
this time of year.
No! Our mission!
You can't do this!
Wait! While diplomatic immunity
doesn't excuse
a tea ceremony insult,
ipso daisy-o,
the insult can be nullified
by winning an
Obstacluge Challenge,
for which we volunteer
our champion, Niko.
That's right.
I read your rule book
and figured out
all the loopholes.
Ja. It is true.
Let it be so.
What is an Obstacluge Challenge?
I never got to that part.
It's a really big book.
It is a race down an ice slide
and obstacle course.
A frozen water slide?
Yes, yes!
A thousand times yes!
Wait! We don't even know
the rules!
Oh, you will.
Finally, section 46,
paragraph 81, subsection H--
Luge cupholders
may be no smaller
than five kronbits,
but no larger than seven.
Make it stop.
Whoa! I'm awake!
May I please go down
the frozen water slide now?
Pretty please?
Right after we choose our
representative for the race.
This should take
no more than two days.
Jackal:
Not necessarily.
As a second party
with a grievance
against the first party can take
the place of the Umlauti luger.
I know that voice.
It's Jackal.
How did you find us?
Ho, ho.
Careful where you drop
your Ping-Beetles.
This is highly irregular.
Who is this?
He was my treacherous sidekick!
Leave at once
or I shall thrash you,
ally of Nar Est!
You'll get your chance.
I declare a grievance.
This group stole a shard
from the crystal of Carondolet.
As a representative
of Nar Est,
I demand to race Niko
to take ownership
of his sword,
which the shard is a part of.
I did not see that coming.
Is this true, Princess Lyra?
Is Niko's weapon made
of stolen property?
That's a lie!
The sword is Niko's,
and it was Nar Est
that stole the jewel
of Carondolet
when he imprisoned our city,
then cast our lands into
darkness.
Note that the sword's
ownership is in dispute!
The challenge
to the Challenge
shall be allowed!
Niko, whatever you do,
don't use the sword in the race.
If you do,
you'll be disqualified and lose.
On my honor,
you will be defeated.
How are you still alive, kid?
- Hey, is your shoe untied?
- Hmm?
Hey!
Woo-hoo!
The track is solid ice,
of course.
The jumps and loops let
the lugers go at great speed
if they're skilled, ja?
It seems your champion
is not skilled, though.
Ja?
Too slow, kid!
I cannot hear you,
as I am so far in front!
Woo-hoo!
Yeah! Woo-hoo!
Yay, Niko!
Go!
Ha-ha!
I knew it was a good idea
for me to volunteer Niko
for something I knew
absolutely nothing about.
And now we release
the wolverseal.
Wolver-what?
Wolvie the wolverseal.
Official living obstacle
of the Obstacluge Challenge,
- and beloved by our kind.
- What does it do?
Why, eat any competitors
he catches, of course.
[snarling]
[roaring]
[screams]
Ice Caves here we come.
Nice reflexes.
It's almost gonna be
a shame to beat you.
I gave you a chance
to redeem yourself,
yet you remain
Nar Est's puppet.
How can you possess
so little honor?
Honor and redemption
are slogans, kid.
Make no mistake.
I'm in it for me.
[cries out]
Come on Niko!
I don't want to freeze
to death in the Ice Caves!
I mean, save yourself!
Secretary Offishiss,
why are you making that face?
Is something wrong?
No reason.
My face is always this way.
[chuckling]
I think they're laughing.
His skating style
is that of a one-antlered
YiminyShprunkinHeimer!
[chuckling]
[gasping]
-Did you see that?
-Ja!
Wolvie! Don't be a hero!
Protect yourself!
Whoa! Excuse me,
out of control beast.
Allow me to help us both!
Force Blast!
Now, let us win this race
together! What do you say?
[roaring]
They're closer than
two NortzGoofins
in a Vortz-crevasse!
Come on, Niko!
You can do it!
[chirping]
- Ha-ha!
- [groans]
Oh, havoc!
The race is over.
Judgment will
now be passed.
[muttering]
How can you side
with Nar Est, Jackal?
Now I get it.
You're where Niko gets
his weakness from.
Speak no ill of Lyra,
wily foe!
She is my strength.
I won the race,
so give me what rightfully
belongs to Nar Est.
I serve him, for the moment.
No!
This-- this-- is a--
a mockery of protocol!
Tell me I'm right.
Ja, you crossed
the finish line first,
but cheated as you tried
to harm Niko,
and more importantly, Wolvie.
You will go to the Ice Caves
for five hundred years
to think about
what you have done.
Hold on! Niko used
the disputed sword in the race!
He and his group should
also go to the Ice Caves!
[muttering]
While that is true,
the weapon was used
not to win or threaten you,
but to save Wolvie's life.
For that, we deem no penalty.
[cheering]
Good Secretary,
I believe Jackal has
been poisoned by Nar Est.
I beg you, show mercy
for his underhanded actions.
Niko is a fine choice
to represent Carondolet,
Princess Lyra.
Like a little scrappy
Wundergorn, but also noble.
Quite special, ja?
He is. Ja!
What do you have to say,
representative of Nar Est?
[gasps]
Wow, that guy is slippery.
As victor of the Obstacluge
Challenge,
for saving Wolvie,
and making us laugh
with your hilarious
clumsiness,
we give you this
everfrost medallion.
My gratitude, but I strongly
disagree about the clumsiness,
as I am not clumsy!
Know also that we are
displeased with Nar Est.
His representative
reflects poorly on him.
Please think over
what I have said
about joining with us.
As you did save Wolvie,
we shall.
You'll have an expedited
answer in six years,
so really quick, ja?
In the meantime,
this express luge
will take you to
the Mounds of Mania,
near the Cursed Volcano.
And within striking
distance of Nar Est.
Woo-hoo!
Uh-oh!
Jump!
I can't believe the Umlauti
would send us down something
so unsafe.
Oh, they didn't.
We did.
[laughs]
You barely beat us before.
How do you like us now?
Chirp